Cookies before dinner.

You tell yourself you are just going to try it. To see what all the fuss is about. I mean its free, right? So there is no harm done there and besides, all your friends are trying it too.

It's pretty fun actually. You have a good time, play some silly vampire vs werewolf games, find out your stripper name, poke some people, catch up with old friends and even find some new ones.

You start doing it more and more. You start adding pictures of your life. What you made for dinner, what you did that day, funny shots of the kids. You like more of your friend's stuff and your 'friends' like your stuff too. Soon you are sharing all kinds of things with all of these friends. Things that you like and things that you think they will like too. And they do, they really, really like YOU and all your things!

This all starts to feel really good. Whenever you share a picture or a status or a post, it gets liked and then YOU feel good and popular and LIKED. And repeat

and repeat

and repeat.

.

.

.

.

And then one day, somewhere between a healthy dose of keeping in touch with friends, obsessive ranting about EVERYTHING, and scrolling through your timeline to like as much as you can and see how many likes you have that day, it somehow becomes more important to constantly update your Facebook status and check on all your "friends", than it is to actually spend time with the real live people in your life.

.

.

.

This is your wake up call....

for you and your kids!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This past weekend I attended a lecture by Dr. Gordon Neufeld on Raising Children in a Digital World. My friend Nancy has been bugging me for years to go to one of his talks and I finally listened to her.

Dr. Neufeld is a clinical psychologist  and the author of the wonderful parenting book, Hold On to Your Kids. If this book is not in your possession yet, then I highly recommend it (just maybe wait for the updated edition coming out this summer). Dr. Neufeld's research and field of study is that of human attachment and how this affects development in our children. His book is all about why parents need to matter to our kids more so than their peers and his theories and practical application of them is even more relevant in the bright lights of the digital revolution than ever before.

Dr. Neufeld started his talk with a quote from Marshal McCluhan, who said that for every tool of the media that extends our reach (and I guess that would include social media these days), there is an equal and proportional amputation of something else.

What I learned at Dr. Neufeld's talk is that we, the parents of all of these "digital native" kids, are quite possibly that "something else" at risk of being amputated from our kids lives!

In his book and in his lectures, Dr. Neufeld talks about a phenomenon he calls peer orientation. Simply put, this means that children become more attached to their peers than to their parents or the adults responsible for them.

Attachment is the most significant and pre-eminent need of human beings. We need to connect with each other. This is true of the newborn baby needing closeness and proximity to their mothers and it is also true for the toddler who is having a complete temper tantrum and needs a hug far more than he needs a time-out. It is true for the teenager who is desperately looking to belong and to simultaneously be their own individual and it may very well be true of the grown-up on Facebook, trying to make connections with people who are like her, who understand her, and who can validate her life.

So what does this all mean? What are we, the parents, to do in this digital age when our kids have such easy access to their peers practically 24/7?

We can't turn back the clocks and take away all the digital media in our lives, so how do we make sure that it is not RUNNING or RUINING our lives and the lives of our children?

Dr. Neufeld gave a very simple analogy at his talk that made everything so very clear to me.

Cookies.

Yes, cookies.

Cookies are delicious treats and everyone likes them.

BUT...

There is an optimal time for cookies.

If we eat cookies before we eat dinner, than we will ruin our appetites for the real meal that fills us up with all the vitamins and nutrients that our body needs to grow and stay healthy.

In the digital world, cookies are the internet and all it's fudgeo, marshmallow-y, gooey chocolate chip fillings!

The cookies he is talking about refers to any form of digital media - Facebook, texting, gaming, Instagram or the new and in my opinion, kinda sketchy, Snapchat. The MEAL is the attachment we have with our children, our connection to the people in our lives that are closest to us. We need to fill our children with a good healthy meal of attachment, of love and trust and respect (for self and for others) before we let them out into the digital world to have cookies.

And even then, when we do let them out into that world, we have to make sure that they are not INGESTING more cookies (information) than they can actually DIGEST. This can be a tricky thing to figure out and is probably different for every kid, but one thing is certain, we are putting these devices into the hands of our kids, giving them unlimited access to all of this information and education, and what we are failing to realize is that they are then re-purposing them as a means of connection and attachment. If we are not filling them up with that kind of connection with US, that sense of belonging and sameness, then all we are doing is sending them out into this world hungry for those connections and that intimacy.

And intimacy they will find online. IN SPADES. It will be a superficial kind of connection though, one that is empty and does not actually provide any kind of lasting fulfilment. Just like cookies. They are delicious, but they don't fill you up properly and in an hour, you are just hungry for more cookies.

At the halfway mark of Dr. Neufeld's talk, I literally grabbed my head and gave it a shake, because what he was saying just then, quite literally BLEW MY MIND!!

He was talking about his sabbatical in a small town in Provence, France and how he coud not figure out why he and his wife where not getting good service from the local merchants in town. It wasn't until a resident told him that he was being "barbaric" in his interactions with people, that he understood the problem. He had not been making eye contact, getting a smile and a nod from the town merchants, before launching into his needs or wants from them. In other words, he was not using basic manners for human discourse! It wasn't until they understood this concept of "collecting", this face-to-face setting of the stage for human interaction, that things started to turn around for them in town.

Now take this concept and apply it to FACEBOOK!

There is no 'collecting' in social media. There is no eye contact, no smiling, no acknowledgment of 'Yes, I SEE you, I KNOW you.' Basic manners and rules of human interaction have left the building people! Trust me, I've been in one too many Facebook "conversations" to know that this is precisely the case. Digital intimacy is EMPTY because this simple attachment invitation does not get across. Nowadays parents, not only do we need to talk to our kids about unsafe intercourse, we have to talk to our children about the dangers of UNSAFE DISCOURSE!

Dr. Neufeld points out that the consequences of this kind of empty digital intimacy can be just as devastating for our children:

• it spoils the appetite for true intimacy and meaningful connection
• it takes them away from their parents who are meant to be their 'answers'
• it fuels obsessions and addictions (new research from Germany shows that digital addictions are more addictive than cigarettes and alcohol)
• the preoccupation arrests the maturing process, rendering them stuck in immaturity
• and ironically, it increases feelings of loneliness and frustration

And really, it's not just our kids who are in danger here. These kinds of empty and superficial connections are affecting grown-ups as well and perhaps this is the real danger. If we are spoiling our own appetites for meaningful connections, if we are not being fulfilled in our own relationships and are depending more and more on superficial ones via social media, than how on earth are we to be the example for our children and show them how to foster proper human attachments?

I went home Sunday night with my mind abuzz with so many swirling thoughts about my own dependency on social media, and what and how I can keep that attachment component of parenting alive within my life and with my family. The concept of attachment seems so easy when they are babies. You just keep them close to you physically. Wear them, breastfeed them, sleep with them - Easy peasy, lemon squeazy as my kids like to say!

The real challenge of parenting comes as they get older, as they start to learn that they are not the same as us and as they start to emerge as their own separate beings, with their own ideas and thoughts and intentions. This emergence does not signify a release from us and from attachment. It means that we need to work harder to keep those attachments viable, even when we are apart. BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT ATTACHMENT MEANS! It is EXACTLY about how to stay close, especially when we are apart.

We wonder all the time "what is wrong with kids these days?" Where is the empathy? Where are their manners? Where or when or how did things get so messed up?

You don't have to look far to figure some of this out. Dr. Neufeld points out that we are routinely use a child's need for proximity against them. We use time-outs for discipline, we do "123 Magic", we shun them when they misbehave and do the one thing that is the polar opposite of attachment and we send them away from our presence. We also use the things that children are attached to against them - do this or that/don't do this or that or I will take away your lovey, your soother, your leap-pad, your phone, MYSELF. This is a dangerous game we are playing, parents, and we are the ones courting a lack of attachment and empathy because of it.

But fear not! All is not lost and we CAN still make a difference for our little digital natives!

Dr. Neufeld finished his lecture with some key tools and behaviours for moving forward and parenting in this digital world of ours.

He says that we need to:

• Believe that we are what our children need (and not just as babies and toddlers, but well into the teenage years).
• Invite dependence in other ways. No one can compete with Google, so share something that only you can teach them, be it cooking, wood-working, drawing... Whatever it is, invite your kids into your world and give them a legacy that is from you and only you.
• Create rituals and rules that safeguard healthy attachment. Make family meals a priority, have a game night with no electronics, have weekly or monthly family date night, vacations together, etc...
• "immunize" our children by fulfilling their attachment hunger. Don't let them out into the world hungry and looking to fill up on cookies, because they will find them, they always do!
• Be the example for our children and take the lead with our own use of digital technology.

We all know that being a parent is a tough job. Throw the digital revolution into the mix and things just get that much more complicated. We can't stop our kids from being a part of the revolution, but we can equip them for it. And I don't mean by getting everyone their very own laptop, iPad, iPod, smart phone and Facebook account.

We must equip them with the knowledge of our love, our trust, and our respect, and by fulfilling their need for attachment TO US! So that when they are out there navigating their way through the digital world and they get lost, they always know where and who to come back to to reset the compass.

And you know what, we should probably put that jar of cookies away from us for a time too...

Natasha~

Photo credit: Henriksnet's Photo from Flickr, used under Creative Commons licence.

one year later. After the Mirena break up.

I feel like it is time for a follow up post about my Mirena experience. My original post receives between 700-1100+ visits daily and has generated over 200 comments from women from all over the world who have shared their own, sometimes very personal, struggles and experiences with this supposed innocuous form of birth control. I appreciate each and every one of these women for sharing their stories, for listening to their gut and for persevering for answers when they were not getting any from their health care professionals. It is proving difficult to answer every single comment, but there are some common questions within a good majority of them that I feel like I can answer, at least from my perspective and from my experiences at this point, one year post-Mirena. The dreaded "Mirena Crash".

Before I had my IUD removed, I too did a lot of research and reading on the Internet and the number one thing you hear about is the Mirena crash. This plummet in hormones can cause all kinds if symptoms ranging from general malaise and feeling unwell to outright rage, depression and severe mood swings. It seems to last for about a week in its most severe form and then tapers off. Thankfully, I do not believe that I suffered through any major crash after my removal and I honestly started feeling better within days of having it out.

Bleeding.

I did have some removal bleeding initially the first night and into the next day. It was very bright red, and I admit that after 3 years of not seeing that kind of blood with my 'sort of" periods, I was a bit concerned. Turns out that it really was nothing that a couple of sturdy panty liners couldn't handle and it stopped after that second day.

A return to normal menstrual cycles.

Since that initial visit from Aunt Flo 5 weeks after I had the Mirena removed, my periods have been like clockwork. I have a pretty nice 28 day cycle and a 3.5 day period. And all I use during that time is my Diva cup. THAT IS IT! I can't complain about anything on this front. I feel like a normal woman and aside from the fact that I think I may be a bit peri-menopausal now and experiencing an increase in emotional PMS symptoms, I feel good about all of it.

Hair loss.

The hair loss that I was experiencing while I had the Mirena was REE - diculous!! I would run my fingers through my hair in the shower every morning and they would come out completely COVERED in strands of my hair. Normal daily hair loss for women is between 50-100 strands a day, with new ones growing almost immediately to replace the ones lost. I estimate (based on what I removed in the shower and what I swept up off the bathroom floor every other day) that I was losing about triple this amount EVERY DAY. Luckily I have a lot of hair to begin with and wasn't noticing any balding patches, but I do know that some women are not that lucky. In my opinion, I believe I am back down to a normal hair loss pattern and did notice this difference within about 4 months post-removal.

Weight loss.

I'd love to tell you all that I had the Mirena removed and magically dropped 20 pounds. Alas, this did not happen. Unlike some of the brave women who have posted their stories and comments on the original post, I did not have a huge amount of weight gain while on Mirena. What I did have was an inability to LOSE any weight even with a pretty strict fitness routine and a healthy, balanced diet. One year after my Mirena removal and four months since I stopped nursing my daughter and finally, that extra 10-15 pounds of what I liked to call my "Milk Reserves" is slowly starting to come off.

EXTREME fatigue.

This was one of the side effects that disappeared the fastest. I went from not being able to keep my eyes open while DRIVING and absolutely NEEDING to nap every day, to sleeping better at night (no more night sweats either) and having more energy throughout the day. I am serious people, the level of fatigue I was experiencing was dangerous. I would literally fall asleep at red lights and I even think I somehow fell asleep with my eyes open a couple of times and jerked "AWAKE" just in time to avoid crashing the car with all of us in it.

Libido.

It's BAAA-aaack. And it was relatively soon after removal. The fact that I was not feeling like I could literally fall asleep at any given minute of any day had a lot do do with that. I had ENERGY again. To be with him, to care about my sensual and sexual needs again and to want to just get it ON! Now don't get me wrong, we are still a busy family with a lot going on in our lives and some nights I am thoroughly exhausted and it's a quick peck on the cheek and lights out, but now, I at least have my DESIRE back. While on the Mirena, it was as if that part of me was completely removed from my mind. And I am kind of a sexy beast, so this was very troubling for me! ;)

Abdominal Pain, Bloating, Cramping.

I am very happy to say that since my Mirena removal I have not had one bout of the severe abdominal cramping and the excruciating pain that was a monthly occurrence with it in. As it turns out, I do not have ovarian cysts, I do not have appendicitis or endometriosis and I do not have ridiculous levels of noxious gas in my bowels! Whether my doctor agrees with me or not, I truly believe that I had a device in my body that was poisoning me.

...................

The one thing that has bothered me the most about all of the comments and stories that have been shared with this post, is the fact that so many women (including myself) have had to FIGHT with their healthcare providers to be heard, to be believed and to have this device removed from their own bodies . This speaks volumes to me about the state of our society, where a woman's voice and decisions about her body own are constantly questioned, where the simplest answer is not even considered and where women are being bombarded with more and more medications to treat what may actually be the side effects of what is considered a fairly benign medication.

So benign in fact that last September, the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology made this statement in their Committee Opinion on Adolescent Health Care:

"Increasing adolescent access to long-acting reversible contraceptives is a clinical and public health opportunity for obstetrician-gynecologists. With top-tier effectiveness, high rates of satisfaction, and no need for daily adherence, long-acting reversible contraceptive methods should be first-line recommendations for all women and adolescents."

And while I understand that the issue that the College was addressing was the increasing rate of unwanted teen pregnancies, I wonder at the long-term effects of this kind of contraception (hormonal IUDs) on these teenage girls still developing bodies and hormonal systems. Will these long-acting contraceptive methods affect their future ability to conceive? We don't know the answers to these questions and I for one don't think it is a risk that I would want to take with my teenage daughter.

Of the 218 comments that have been shared on the original post, there are maybe 5 that reflect a positive Mirena experience. Granted, most women who find my post are doing so by using search terms like "Mirena IUD" and "Mirena side effects" (my post is second only to the official Mirena website on a Google search), the statistics of this small sample population make me feel very good about my decision to remove my IUD and return to a normal menstrual cycle. I am glad that my post has been helpful for so many women and I am grateful for all the shared stories. I feel for each and every one of you who have suffered so much because of this teeny tiny not-so-innocent device.

I can not tell anyone what to do in any given situation, even though a lot of you have asked. I can only tell you to trust your gut, trust your body, and TRUST yourself. If this form of birth control is causing you more problems than it is worth, than try to find an alternative. (For anyone wondering, my husband and I are condom users and NO, he still has not booked his vasectomy!) And if your health care provider is not listening to you, find one who will.

I have one last thing to say to those of you who have decided to have your IUD removed. Please don't let your family doctor or OB/GYN tell you that you shouldn't have it removed or make a big deal about the removal or tell you to go to the doctor who inserted it. If the strings are visible and reachable with a simple pelvic exam, then removal is a 10 second procedure that requires nothing more than a speculum and some medical tweezers. It pinches a bit, but if you have had babies already, well,... enough said.

I hope this follow-up post about my experience with Mirena proves as helpful as the first one has been. I am very happy that one year later, I can say without a doubt, that life has been a lot better since I broke up with my Mirena IUD.

selfie

Take care of yourselves ladies,

Natasha~

the ordinary life of a {closet} loner

This is what I love doing. I am sitting alone at one end of a dining room table that can easily sit 10-12 people. A cup of tea to my right and the Tar Beach Lullabies playlist from Songza playing on my iPad to my left and my sleeping pup at my feet (keeping them warm). The lights are mostly off and I am writing by the glow of my laptop and the still light dusk of a Northern Alberta spring night.

Today, I took my children to a birthday party at one of those jumpy castle play place establishments that are all the rage these days. I knew most of the parents and kids at the party and while it was nice to visit with everyone, I felt this strange urge to escape from this social situation. I wanted to hightail it out of there and run off for the two hours of the party, or at least plunk myself down in a corner and read a book, or pull out my iPad and get lost in the long list of Favourited links from my Twitter stream. I did manage to escape for about 45 minutes and ran a few errands (ie, went to Anthropologie and bought a new top. Shopping, also something that I love to do by myself.)

I know this is going to sound a bit crazy to those of you who know me, but I think I am a bit of a loner.

I sometimes dream of being that woman who hosts perfect big dinner parties or the one who has that group of Ya-Ya Sisterhood friends that meet on a regular basis and tell each other everything and know all of each others secrets - the good, the bad and the ugly. I dream of going on holidays with another family (or families) that we are so close to, our kids are more like brothers and sisters than friends. I think that these are the things that I should be dreaming about.

I just don't know if I am that person.

In one week, we will have been in our Natural Urban Home for exactly one year and we have yet to have an official house warming party. To be perfectly honest, I have only had a handful of friends over and never all at once. I am not ashamed of my house at all, it's just the opposite. I love this place so much and we worked so hard to make it 100% us and ours, that sometimes it feels strange to have other people here. And it's not just me, my husband has always been one to consider his home his sanctuary from the world and on any given day, my kids are usually 70/30 when it comes to going home to play or going out. This is our centre, our starting point and our end every day and walking through our door often feels like exhaling after having held one's breath for a long time.

Now, I know what you are all thinking, "Natasha, you are not a loner. We've seen you work a room! Your the most social of the social butterflies!" I won't deny that I feed off of the energy in a room and yes, I do like to be social, but at most events that I attend I am just that, a butterfly, flitting from one conversation to another, stopping in for a sip of the nectar from this group and then flying off to the next.  I know why I seem like the social, extroverted one. I know the reason behind my flitting about and social insect behaviours.

I fear depth.

I fear that if I spend too much time with people, that they will see deeper into the real me and then not really want to be around me. And I can feel it. I can physically feel the wall that I put up when things get serious. It's both a defence mechanism and a protective shield. I am defending myself from the inside out and protecting myself from any {perceived} attack from afar. If she could, my therapist would tell you that this all goes back to my very early childhood and my feelings of never being good enough, of always being an outsider, of always dealing better with other people's feelings and problems than facing my own. This all makes me think that perhaps then my home, my concrete walled home, and the sense of relief I feel when I walk through it's doors, is a physical manifestation of this fear.

Commander Chris Hadfield of the Iternational Space Station, tweeted this photo and caption today.

 

That is how I feel some days, like mostly liquid rock covered by a thin crust. For the most part I can control the hot spots and keep everyone {including myself} safe and sound on the surface. If anyone tries to crack that surface though, my biggest fear it that it is gonna get really ugly. Everyone will see the messy, not so pretty parts of me, and will head off running in the other direction. I know that this is not likely true of most people and that I should give folks more credit, but hey, it's fear! It messes with our minds!

I also saw this tweet from Maria at @boredmommy earlier tonight. It is what sparked this rambling train of thought and post.

I thought about this and then came to the realization that I wouldn't change anything. I have a really wonderful life. One that I am incredibly grateful for. I don't want to go back to the career that I had pre-children, it just wouldn't work for our family and I don't foresee myself getting back into the 9-5 workforce anytime soon. I made a choice to be the at-home parent for my children, not just for when they were babies and in the safety of my arms, but for when they are leaving them and beginning to navigate the world beyond the walls of our home. This is when I think they are going to need me the most. I believe that part of my fear in the aforementioned social situations is that someone is going to ask me the dreaded "What do you DO?" question. I am afraid that I won't have an answer that is good enough for them. That me being a stay at home mom and yes, a sometimes blogger/writer too, will not be interesting or extraordinary enough for them.

As it happens when I am tackling issues of fear and vulnerability, I defer to the expert on these things, the wonderful Brene Brown. Please watch this 2010 TEDx talk she gave. At 6:34 she kind of blows my mind (as she has a tendency to do to a lot of people I am sure) and takes ALL THE WORDS FROM MY HEAD and puts them up on her screen!

[youtube]http://youtu.be/_UoMXF73j0c[/youtube]

I am an ordinary woman, living an ordinary life, loving my ordinary husband and raising my ordinary kids. And I like to write alone, at the end of my huge table, in my big beautiful sanctuary of a home.

And I am trying not to be afraid of scarcity anymore.

Maybe one day you can come over for coffee and we can talk about ordinary things together.

natasha~

#40SilverLinings: Happy Easter!

I did not post one every day, but having the thought of my #40silverlinings posts in my head, made me focus more on the good things going on in my life. It was a good exercise in positive thinking, in seeing the happy moments in days that can sometimes seem overwhelming. So here you have my last list to wrap up all 40 of my silver linings for Lent.

31. A hot bath after a long day, a real book (I don't do e-readers) and a husband who brings me a glass of wine after I am all settled in the tub!

32. The "Oh My Darling" twisted London fog tea latte from my neighbourhood cafe. Darjeeling tea, almond milk and coconut flavouring. It just makes everything better, I swear.

33. Date night. The best bowl of Pho in the city followed by chilling at what my husband is calling his new favourite cafe. {So much so, that he wants to use it as the blueprint for our basement development!}

34. Sprinter. It's what I am calling this ridiculous Spring/Winter season in Edmonton. It means rubber boots and mitts and sometimes a toque and sometimes just a fleece vest and FINALLY being able to have some outdoor play time!

35. Picking up my puppy after day surgery at the vet. She hasn't wanted that much cuddling in a long time and I didn't realize how much I missed it too.

36. That moment when every piece of laundry is clean, folded and put away. I am dead serious, this is total happy dance time around here!

37. Napping with my baby nephew. {Even though he cried for 20 minutes before actually falling asleep.}

38. Women all over the world (and very close to me) standing up for themselves, breaking the cycles in their  lives and knowing that they are worthy of happiness. XO.

39. The Toca Tailor stylings and designs of my four year old daughter!

40. A long weekend surrounded by the family that I love. A movie date with the little cousins, girls night out with my sisters {in-law} and making a special Easter dinner for my mom, my sister and her family.

I am truly blessed in this life. Maybe that is the true lesson of Lent. Perhaps it is not so much about sacrifice and giving something up ,as it is looking closely and really appreciating all that we have. All the little things we likely take for granted in our day to day lives can add up to a whole lot of silver linings and happy moments. It is up to us to choose to see them, to live in those moments, to take a deep breath and thank whomever or whatever you believe in for that special moment in time.

And then it is up to us to take that attitude of grace and gratitude and spread it around...

...it's the best kind of infection you can pass on to anyone.

Love and light to you all,

natasha~

When the landscape changes, so must we

I wasn't going to read it. There has been so much in the news and on blogs and all over the internets about the Steubenville rape case that I was just not going to read another article that would A) raise my blood pressure to toxic levels again or B) make me physically sick to my stomach. Watching CNN's Candy Crowley and Poppy Harlow report on the verdict in this case nearly did me in!

A few days ago, I reacted to a tweet by a local news anchor who had just read Barbara Amiel's Maclean's article, the one I was NOT going to read. I had already seen excerpts from it in a few posts earlier this week and I really did not want to read more of it and get upset again.

But I had to. I had to give context to the tweet I reacted to and a solid reason for my reaction. So I read the article, and as predicted, my blood pressure rose to earth's core erupting levels and as expected, I immediately felt the bile rushing up from the pit of my stomach.

There has been much knee-jerk reaction to Ms. Amiel's article (as witnessed by a quick perusal of the heavily populated comment section) and my tweet was no exception. Upon further reading I decided that instead of the visceral gut reaction that came from reading her article, I needed to take some deep breaths and respond to it more succinctly.

I want to address each of the incidents that Ms. Amiel discusses in her article and why her opinion (ie, why are we making such a big deal out of them?) is an outdated one, rank with flagrant patriarchy and one has no place in our world today. A world that I want to leave better, more transparent, and more RESPECTFUL of all human beings for my own children to grow up in and feel safe in. So here I go, after much thought and consideration, my response to Barbara Amiel's op-ed piece on our "anything goes sexual society."

....................

1. The Steubenville Rape Case.

Ms. Amiel writes about the case and reminisces about her U of T campus days:

"This is a party ending that reminds me of my days living in Whitney Hall residence at the University of Toronto in the early ’60s, kitty-corner to the Zetes fraternity house, which specialized in drunken binges and the noisy smashing of bottles all weekend long. The girls wore more clothes, flip flops had not been popularized and, crucially, no such thing as cellphones and social media existed. But the end result looked much the same from my third-floor window." (Emphasis mine.)

"The end result looked much the same..." and it very likely was the same. A young college girl, excited that the popular frat house boys on campus had invited her to their party. Maybe she drank too much, maybe was taken into a room or a car or behind a shed and quite possibly she was sexually assaulted to some degree. The problem as I see it here, is that in the 1960's, the legal definition of rape and the very likely the cultural perception of rape was very different that it is today. And it had very little to do with how much or how little clothes the girl was wearing or how much "boys will be boys".

We don't live in the 1960's anymore. "Good girls" who watch from their dorm windows, "bad girls" who get too drunk at frat parties, it doesn't matter who you are, consent is consent and too drunk to give it means NO. The "girls should know better" attitude is plain and ugly victim-blaming and "boys being boys" statement is indicative of a much larger problem in our society.

Ms. Amiel's says that"In a normal society, the girl’s mother would have locked her up for a week and all boys present would have been suspended from school and their beloved football team." This statement is so misguided and indicative of the pervasiveness of rape-culture in our world as to make one feel hopeless and/or want to slam their heads onto their desks, present company included.WHAT kind of normal society is she talking about? One where boys can drag around a helpless girl (whether or not she is the master of that helplessness), finger her repeatedly (and YES, that is RAPE), urinate on her helpless body, laugh about it with their buddies who clearly know WHAT RAPE IS (that video is 12:29 minutes that are now burned into my memory forever) and then continue to enjoy their celebrity football star status with a mere slap on the wrist? One where the girl, THE VICTIM OF THIS CRIME, should be locked up for a week? What for? To learn her lesson? So her mother can school her on how to be a "good girl" from now on? Please Ms. Amiel, wake up and smell the 21st Century. The Internet is forever, someone will videotape you doing stupid, (criminal) shit and women and girls of all ages are not going to let the popular boys get away with the same sexual shenanigans of the past. So yes, the landscape has changed here and no longer are we sweeping high school or college frat party antics gone awry under the carpet of "Shush now, you don't want to ruin your reputation and marriageability now do you?".

A young girl was raped, her rapists were caught, tried and are being punished for their crime. Would anyone have done or wanted anything less had Jane Doe been their daughter? I think not.

2. Toronto Mayor Tom Ford's alleged inappropriate sexual comments to Sarah Thomson.

I am pretty certain that we have all been in this situation at some point in our adult lives. A corporate function, an open bar, spouses not in attendance and everyone having a good time. Someone says something inappropriate, a butt gets grabbed, a comment gets made that makes someone uncomfortable, and for the most part, usually there is some awkward laughing-off of the comment or incident or a more sober person takes the offender or offended away from the situation for a cup of coffee and/or an escort to their hotel room.

This time though, Sarah Thomson did not laugh it off. She tweeted about it. Which in our day and age (again, the 21st Century) is a very commonplace thing to do. In hindsight, should she have taken Mayor Ford aside and said, "Hey, I know you've had a bit to drink, but what you just said and did made me feel very uncomfortable."? Maybe. Would it have made a difference? We will never know.

What I find appalling about Ms. Amiel's commentary about this incident is her opinion of sexual harrasment as a whole. A term she says was invented in the 1970s and one "that ought to have been strangled at birth." WHAT? Because women in the workplace or at corporate  or political functions should be subjected to inappropriate touching, suggestive comments, drunk dudes just "being one of the guys" again? No thanks, I choose to thank my lucky stars for Catherine MacKinnon and what she did for the women's movement in "inventing" the words to describe and make illegal this kind of behaviour, mainly towards women.

I remember distinctly a point in my career when I thought I was being groomed for a management role. I was at a regional sales meeting at a gorgeous hotel in the mountains and I was being invited to sit at upper management tables, to meet with the marketing teams from head office and was feeling really good about myself and my future within this company. On the night of our big wrap-up celebration, I was invited to one of my managers hotel suites for some pre-party drinks, with what I assumed was a group of other sales reps. What I walked into was something completely different. I entered a room of about 5-7 men, all in managerial positions (ie, above my pay-grade), all of whom had been drinking already, and who where taking turns getting photos taken with a full sized blow-up sex doll. I was the only woman in the room. I think that a few of them saw how inappropriate this was, but most just continued to laugh it off as I was offered a drink and a photo-op. I declined both and left the room. A few hours later once the outdoor tent celebration was in full sling, I headed out to the porta-potties. I was followed, and once in the tiny pee booth, two people started shaking and trying to tip the unit. I pulled up my pants as quickly as I could and burst out of the door screaming a stream of expletives that I thought were aimed at fellow (drunk) team members. What I was not prepared for was to see that it was in fact my Regional Sales Manager and the Regional Accounts Manager, both of whom where in that suite earlier in the evening, who were the perpetrators. Again, I was angry and offended and just walked it off. In the sober light of the morning, I was taken aside by my immediate manager and told NOT TO SAY A WORD TO ANYONE about what had happened the night before.

Was I sexually harassed by these men? I think so. It wasn't a typical ass grab and sexual innuendo kind of harrassement that we associate with an episode of Mad Men (or perhaps a political event in Toronto), but I do believe that this kind of behaviour created an intimidating, hostile and offensive work environment for me. I was not sad, nor surprised, to see most of this management team leave the company within the year.

I wish I could go back to that time, be as strong as I am now and have had the courage to say, GUYS, this is NOT OK! I know that they would have probably brushed it off or accused me of not having a sense of humour and not being capable of taking a joke, but I also wonder how many other women felt the same way that I did and no one EVER said anything. Maybe they too were told to keep their mouths shut - with the implied "or else" hanging at the end of that statement.

Ms Amiel says that "The same action that is generally welcome from a person you like is sexual harassment from one you don’t." And she is absolutely correct in this. The key word in the legal definition of sexual harassment is UNWELCOME. If you are a consenting participant in a conversation of a sexual nature, regardless of how offensive or objectionable it is, that is not sexual harassment. I do believe that Ms. Amiel's comments make it very clear what era she grew up in and spent a good part of her career in, another 'Good Ol' Boys' club, where you just accepted that slap on the ass and smiled pretty. Once again, 'tis the dawn of a new era, and if we are all to lean-in a little more these days, we must also lean-ON this kind of behaviour in workplaces and professional settings so as to make them welcoming for all.

3. Professor Tom Flanagan's remarks that private viewing of child pornography is an issue of personal liberty and "doesn't really hurt anyone".

{Deep breath} This is a tough topic for me. I am a mother of two beautiful young children; I was sexually assaulted by both a trusted neighbour and a favourite teacher when I was a child; and without getting into details that would hurt people that I love, the topic of child pornography is a sensitive one for me.

It is very hard to look at this issue from a censorship and personal liberty perspective when the words that proceed those are CHILD and PORNOGRAPHY. The point being made by Ms. Amiel and Mr. Flanagan, is that the viewers of child pornography are not hurting anyone. They are simply viewing "squalid pictures" on their internet connections in the privacy of their own homes.

No, no they are not. These child pornography voyeurs are the end user of a supply and demand system much like any other. The pictures they are looking at are pictures and videos of children, some of them extremely young children, being abused, being sexualized, being used for their tiny little bodies. They are paying for these pictures, they are funding an industry that relies on the exploitation and abuse of our youngest citizens all for the simple "private viewing" of others.  I don't think so.

Ms Amiel says that "You cannot end a disease by arresting the infected." and she may be right. But I know a bit about infectious diseases and I know that the earlier an infection is caught and treated, the less likely it is going to invade further and cause even more damage to the system. How slippery a slope is it to go from viewing child pornography, to taking pictures of kids yourself, to luring them via the internet, to straight up sexual abuse and pedophilia? I don't know that this is a straight line or a natural progression of this particular disease, but I do know that I don't want to wait around and let the infected ride out their contamination to find out.

Is harsher sentencing for possession of child pornography the cure here? Is it more counselling and some kind of rehabilitation? Again, I don't know. Just don't go telling me that looking at a few pictures of naked kids, forced to do grown-up things they have no understanding of, for the pleasure of GROWN UPS on the Internet doesn't hurt anyone. What if that was a picture or video of your kidnapped or abused or lured child that your friendly neighbour was getting off to every night in the privacy of his own home? How far would your defence of the sanctity of one's civil liberties extend to then?

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I propose to Ms. Amiel that it is not that our sexual landscape is riddled with landmines, it is that our sexual landscape has changed. The tectonic plates have shifted us out of the Pangaea (or Patriarchy) that was, where women and children were seen as possessions and things, into the Present Day world we live in today. A world where everyone has a voice, everyone has a right to be respected and have their bodies respected as well. No, we have not created an anything-goes sexual society. We have just stopped sweeping all the nasties under the rug, turning a blind eye to it all and we have EVOLVED as a species.

Or at least some of us have.

natasha~

Image source: Kevin M. Gill on Flickr

The book.

My son LOVES dinosaurs. He always has. His second and third birthdays were Dinosaur themed and by the age of 2.5 could recite all of the names of the dinosaurs in his Encyclopedia of Dinosaurs book that at the time, was almost heavier than he was. He has multiple dinosaur books, numerous figurines, every Playmobil dinosaur ever created and a custom dinosaur quilt as well. Our visits to the library involve him parking himself in the aisle with all the dinosaur books and devouring them one by one. And every day he talks about and asks me when are we going to go to the Royal Tyrrell Museum in Drumheller again.

He likes facts about dinosaurs. He needs to know as much as he can about the dinosaur-du-jour and I get asked on a daily basis a minimum of 10 questions about dinosaurs. Mom, How long is 5 meters? How much is 10 tonnes? How fast can {insert dinosaur name here} run? Where did this dinosaur live?

He has watched and re-watched every dinosaur documentary on Netflix and recognizes the paleontologists now in the different shows!

Lately his obsession love of dinosaurs has taken a new turn and all he wants to do now is draw the dinosaurs that he loves. And he needs specifics for his art and details about the dinosaurs he is drawing and is very particular about getting it right (I blame his perfectionist streak on his dad!)

He has recently had quite the breakthrough in his drawing technique and has discovered sketching.

This is a Spinosaurus drawing from about two months ago:

And this is one he did two weeks ago:

Tonight when I got home from the Leslea Newman Human Rights Lecture at the U of A, this is what was waiting for me.

My son's first dinosaur book all about his current favourite, the Torvosaurus. Dictated to his father and coloured blue and red because not only is this a book, this is a 3D book! (Somehow he made the connection that his 3D glasses are blue and red and thinks that is what makes things 3D, so then logic follows that to colour his dinosaurs blue and red makes them 3D as well!)

I love how the beautiful minds of children work!

I am so proud of my budding artist/paleontologist/dinosaur hunter/author/illustrator.

At least someone in this family is writing a book!

natasha~

An interview with Lesléa Newman: Feminism, diversity, freedom

Last night, my husband and I watched the movie, Jeff, Who Lives at Home.  It is a poignant little film that explores the concept that everything happens for a reason, something that I have long believed in myself. A few weeks ago, I got an email inviting me to interview Lesléa Newman before her upcoming Visiting Lectureship in Human Rights at the University of Alberta. I'll be honest, I did not know who she was before receiving this email. An extensive google search and a visit to the library changed all of that and then I got VERY excited about this opportunity!

Lesléa Newman is a prolific writer, poet, and human rights activist. She is the author of over 60 books and edited collections including the groundbreaking children’s book Heather Has Two Mommies, the first children’s book to portray lesbian families in a positive way, and the award-winning short story A Letter to Harvey Milk.

As equal marriage is enshrined across North America, the struggle for LGBT rights will shift from fighting unjust laws, to building an inclusive, LGBT-friendly culture. This work begins with our children, in our nation’s great libraries and classrooms. For several decades, Lesléa has been building the foundations of this inclusive culture. She has published board books, children's books, poetry for teens and short stories for adults. She introduces lesbian and gay characters into her kids books in a completely organic way, without being didactic or heavy-handed.

Lesléa’s poetry and short stories are loved by older audiences too. Her latest, the Stonewall Honour Book October Mourning: A Song for Matthew Shepard, is a poem cycle commemorating Matthew Shepard's impact in the years since his tragic murder. Last year, A Letter To Harvey Milk was adapted for the stage at the New York Musical Theatre Festival. A student of Allen Ginsberg, she is now a professor at Spalding University's brief-residency MFA where she teaches writing for children and young adults.

As intimidated as I was interviewing a writer with over 60 published books to her name, I was so thrilled to do it and am excited to share our exchange with all of you.

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NC. Your upcoming talk is titled "It takes a village to raise an activist". Without giving away all of the lecture, what does this mean? Is there a way to be or raise an activist, without conjuring up the image of someone being militant on their stance on important issues and turning people away from the issue versus towards finding a solution and common ground?

LN. Being an activist means being active in the world, taking a stand for what you believe is right, and more often than not, joining with others who share your vision, and standing on the shoulders of those who came before you. Activism can be extremely effective and every single one of us can make a difference. There is a South African provberb that says, "if you believe that one person cannot make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito in the room." I think that's absolutely true.

NC. What does being a feminist mean to you? And what would you say to women who back away from that word for fear of its negative (militant) connotations or to those who feel that it leaves one with a chip on her shoulder?

LN. I grew up in the golden years of feminism. I still remember when the first issue of Ms. Magazine was published! Specifically, I was very active in the feminist publishing and bookstore movement, and would not have a career without it. I have always loved this quote about feminism, attributed to Rebecca West: “I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.” I am proud of being a feminist, and truly baffled by those, especially women, who don't embrace the term.

NC. How important do you think it is having books like Heather has Two Mommies or Donovan's Big Day in school libraries and available to all kids, not just those with same sex parents?

LN. I think HEATHER and DONOVAN are important to have available to any child, teacher, or family, who wants to be inclusive in his or her reading and/or teaching in the same way that I think children, families, and teachers of all races should read about people of all races. Our planet is diverse and there is great beauty in that diversity. Wouldn't it be great if we all celebrated one another?

NC. You write for such a wide age span, from children's books, to YA, to adult fiction. How easy is it to flow from writing for one audience to the next and know just how to reach each of them?

LN. When I sit down to start something new, I never know if it's going to be something for young children, teens or adults. I also never know if it's going to be poetry or prose. I don't find any difference in the process--writing is writing and I'm always happy and grateful when something worthwhile comes out of my pen.

NC. As a writer (and fellow activist) I have to ask... What keeps you going? How do you keep the creative juices flowing for your writing and keep fighting the good fight as an activist as well?

LN. I keep writing because I'm happier writing than not writing. When the great cellist Pablo Casals was asked when he was in his nineties why he still practiced every day, he said, "Because I think I might be improving." I never know, when I sit down to write, if I am going to write my best work on any given day. What I do know is, I'm not going to write anything if I don't sit down and pick up my pen (and yes, I still do write with a pen). So curiosity keeps me going. As for activisim, outrage, frustration, and sadness keep me going. And hope of course. As Emma Lazarus said, "None of us is free until all of us are free." I look forward to the day when all of us are free.

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I will be attending Lesléa's lecture this week at the University of Alberta and I encourage you to as well. Everything really does happen for a reason. Her words have inspired me already and this was just a few questions that we exchanged over email! I can't wait to hear her speak in person and be even more motivated to continue my personal growth as an feminist, a human rights activist and a writer.

I too look forward to the day when all of us are free to be who we are, no holds barred!

natasha~

430,000.00 Silver Linings

I am exhausted. A really good exhausted.

Today I spent the whole day moving my butt, shaking my groove thang and busting some moves with over 400 other people at the 2nd annual Bust a Move for Breast Health.

I was part of the BamBassadors Social Media team with the lovely @JenBanksYeg, the superb @realturkeylady, our at-home-with-a-concussion tweeter, @AprilWiens and the ever a good sport, wearing his pink tutu with pride, @ChrisTse_ . We are Team Hello Titties and we all had a blast today tweeting, Vine-ing, Instagram-ing, and Facebook-ing all about this amazing event (and we managed to get the #bamyeg hashtag into the top trending topics for Edmonton too)!

Bust a Move for Breast Health is a six hour fitness extravaganza that will have you move more than your feet to raise valuable funds for the Cross Cancer Institute. One small step for events, on large step for all breastkind!

And raise funds everyone sure did this year!  Over $430,000.00 to be exact! THAT IS A LOT OF RESEARCH DOLLARS FOLKS! It really hit me today during the yoga session, just what we were all doing there. We unwrapped our yoga mats and while most of us had purple ones, the pink ones stood out. These were the cancer survivors, the ones who beat the odds. What really made me pause and appreciate all that was going on around me was the fact that every survivor that I could see around me was younger than me. Breast cancer does not discriminate based on age, race, religion or otherwise. It affects us all, either directly or indirectly and we can and need to make a difference and do what we can for all the pink mats out there.

I am grateful to have been a participant and volunteer at the event today and I can't wait for next years BAMtastic day of fun and fitness! And you know what, YOU too can join our team! We are going to be bigger, better and have even more fun (if that is at all possible, because my abs hurt just as much from the Bootcamp session as they do from laughing today)! Or make your own team! Do it for all the women battling breast cancer, do it for someone close to you, do it FOR YOURSELF!

Most of all do it because, I may be exhausted and sore and in need of a good gluteal massage, but I'll take this kind of pain ANY DAY over the pain and suffering that breast cancer causes to 1 in 9 women's bodies. And I will do whatever I can to help lower that number until it is ZERO!

Oh yeah, and we met Richard Simmons too! He REALLY liked Chris! A LOT!

This was one day so full of silver linings, that I lost count! Let's call this one #30.

I am so tired....

natasha~