Sunday

Sundays around here are usually our lazy days.

Except when they are not.

Like today, when The Consort and I go into some kind of weird deep cleaning marital pas de deux. He vacuums and does the toilets and takes care of small repairs or hanging of things that have otherwise just been resting up against the wall; while I wash the floors, change bed sheets, do all the laundry and dust all of the tiny things on the kids shelves in their rooms.

The kids kind of stand back and wonder what the heck has gotten into us, or find a channel that is playing back to back kids movies and try their best to stay out of our way. They have yet to catch this same kind of cleaning bug.

In the midst of it all though, I have to stop obsessing about washing all the water drop stains that my dog leaves on the floors every time she drinks from her bowl and sit back and be thankful for all that we have.

So I stopped. And here you go...

Today I am grateful for the following:

1. A husband that washes toilets - all 5 of them in this house! Seriously... in my books this is a major win and quite possibly one of the reasons I agreed to marry the guy. (And yes, I know, we have way too many bathrooms for a family of 4.)

2. Slow cooker meals that I can start at 10 AM, that fill my house with beautiful aromas, and that convince my mother-in-law that I am a genius in the kitchen!

3. My kids being just tall enough to give me what I think are the best, super-tight-around-the-waist, hugs a mother could ever ask for.

4. Persimmons.

5. My husband holding my hand while we watch Walking Dead, because he knows that even though the show terrifies me, I can't look away!

~~~~~

Grace. It is a simple thing, but still a practice. Take care of and notice the small things too.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I really must get out those damn spots!

n~

how many joy units is that?

The Consort has been hounding me for months (or possibly years) to read a book. Not just any book, because I do read a lot of them, but one particular book. This one.

And this weekend I caved. I had just finished a different book and was looking to start another and he, ever so nonchalantly, went to my bedside table, grabbed this book and placed it beside me on the couch.

OK, dude. I get it. I'll read the damn thing.

We all have those books that transform us or speak to us in ways others do not. When my husband was leaving his family home and taking off to the adult world of undergraduate studies at the ripe age of 17, the original "Wealthy Barber" book was given to him by his father. This is HIS book.

I am pretty sure when TC is doing anything financially-related in any way, the voice he hears in his head is David Chilton's. "Is this worth it? Are the joy units going to last long with this purchase? Have you saved FIRST?"

I fully admit that I am the spender in our family and The Consort is the saver. I do the clothes shopping for most of us, all of the grocery shopping and I am the one who buys the gifts for all the birthdays, anniversaries and holidays. Yes, we do have a family budget, that I stick to - about 87% of the time. It's that other 13% that gets TC's knickers in a knot and why he wants me to read what Mr. Chilton has to say about finances.

The funny thing is, that in the past year, I truly believe that my spending habits have changed. Or more specifically, my shopping habits have changed.

I know that part of the change has been a response to the life-altering time we experienced this past summer and from that has come much reflection on the things that truly matter in our lives. And you know what? More stuff is not IT. Another part of why my shopping habits have changed, is that I am much more aware of the influence that marketing has on us as consumers. Years of being a breastfeeding advocate and seeing the ways that infant formula is marketed has rubbed off and has me looking a lot more closely at the way ALL products are marketed. Being a blogger and a mother, I've also seen the way that marketing has taken hold in this age of new media and I am VERY sensitive to this in the blogging world. I am more aware now about the message I am hearing and who that message is coming from as well.

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This past weekend, we were supposed to go away for a short little mountain getaway. That didn't happen, mainly because  it snowed and I have crap for tires on my car and we couldn't even get out of our little neighbourhood, let alone make it 300 kilometres to the lodge in the mountains. For the next four days we had to use my husband's compact car (which thankfully has AWD and all-season tires) for all our outings. What we both noticed over the weekend is how surprisingly easy it was to function with less car. And this included multiple errands, grocery shopping, and hauling all four of us around to various activities to make up for our missed trip to the mountains.

I have also recently purged every single closet in this house. My wardrobe alone is roughly HALF of what it was a month ago (if you know me at all, this is HUGE!). I am not quite down to Capsule Wardrobe numbers, but the philosophy behind this concept is guiding me right now in regards to what I keep, what goes and how I look at clothes shopping now. It's definitely a change. Especially for one like me, an admitted shopaholic, who gets greeted at Anthropologie BY NAME!

All of these things - reading David Chilton, surviving a week as a family of four with one compact vehicle, minimalizing our wardrobes - have happened at the same time and have caused a kind of cosmic convergence in my mind about how I want to live my life and about the lessons about money and spending and the value of what we HAVE versus the value of what we DO, that we are modelling for our children.

My family lives a very comfortable life, one that I am so very grateful for each and every day. It's just time for me take stock of all that we have, not get caught up in the game of keeping up with the proverbial Jones's and resist the messaging that we are bombarded with each day that we need MORE! More car, more house, more toys, more clothes, more STUFF.

Because we really do not.

My kid is not going to remember the expensive brand name winter boots he was wearing when he was eight years old or what kind of car I drove him to school in. He is more likely going to remember that his Mom bought new snow pants for herself that year, so that she could play outside and build a snow fort with him.

And trust me Mr. Chilton, the "joy units" from that purchase will never depreciate!

n~

Filling up on and in Victoria, B.C.

Three days. It's not a long time, but three days with no schedule, no place to be except with each other and nothing but our own feet to take us wherever we felt like going was perfection. Downtown Victoria, British Columbia was the backdrop for our mini wanderlust. It was my first trip to this fair Canadian city and our first time away from both kids in a very long time. I fully admit that I almost bailed in the airport security line up on Thursday. I do not like leaving my babies, but there were too many people in the line behind me and I had my new LUG Weekender bag to break in so... on the plane I went.

When we were planning this trip a few weeks ago, I crowdsourced my friends on Facebook for recommended hotel accommodations. They came through like I knew they would, and we decided on the beautiful waterfront Inn at Laurel Point. Our room was huge, we had a nice big balcony overlooking Fisherman's Wharf and could watch the float planes take off and land every morning in the harbour. We ate dinner at Aura, the in-house hotel restaurant Thursday night and it was delicious! Scallops cooked to perfection and a creamy mushroom risotto for me and the pork sampler for The Consort (my new nickname for my husband, which I might shorten to TC in the very near future-see below).

Friday morning we woke up and headed out to explore our surroundings. One of the nice things about downtown Victoria (and there are a lot of nice things) is that you don't have to go far to find a place to eat. And most places in the downtown core are well within walking distance from the major hotels. Our very friendly airport shuttle driver told us that Victoria has the second highest restaurant count per capita in North America (after San Francisco) and after walking a good part of the downtown area for three days, I believe him.

We ate at some very cool and funky places. Breakfast and coffee at Wild Coffee. A place that spoke to my soul with the handmade wood furniture and giant Buddha head greeting you as you walked in. Lunch and chai at the family owned Varsha in Victoria's historic Chinatown district (which is really just one block). A waterfront walk and dinner at the Blue Crab, complete with, you guessed it, ALL THE CRAB!!

But I really want to tell you about Rebar. This restaurant, located downtown in Bastion Square, was recommended to us twice. Once by my friend Sarah, who raved about it and then again by a very friendly Victoria local who, upon seeing our obvious touristy-ness, stopped his morning bike ride, pulled up beside us and proceeded to give us recommendations for breakfast, lunch AND dinner for Saturday.

One block later we walked into Rebar and I swear to God, this place will be forever etched into my palate. I knew I was going to like it immediately because of the floral oilcloth tablecloths and the garage-sale-Elvis-tile-collage art piece on the wall. TC and I both ordered the Smoked Salmon, Dill and Creamcheese omelette and the juice of the day, a Smiling Buddha. I have no other way of describing this gastronomic experience other than this: every bite of this meal, and drink of the juice was like having multiple mini food-gasms in my mouth. I am not kidding, I actually moaned it was so good.

And then our waiter brought over their house-made peach and pear jam to accompany the sourdough toast and their spicy ketchup for the roasted potatoes and I moaned some more and may have thrown in an 'Oh my GOD!" for good measure. It really was that good people and I may have had dreams about it that night as well. Moral of the story, go eat at Rebar whenever you are in Victoria.

Our friendly cyclist recommended two restaurants for dinner. Zambri's for, as he put it, "The best italian food in all of Canada. " or Cafe Brio, a Canadian/Italian/local fusion cuisine, with an awesome wine list. I liked the look of Cafe Brio on their website and TC called and made us a late dinner reservation . The cafe had a wonderful old world ambiance to it and it did not disappoint. I chose one of their featured wines, the Trebella Meritage blend from the local BC winery, Church and State Wines. It was a beautiful wine, deep, fruity and smooth, just the way I like my reds. I may be hitting up their wine shop soon and ordering some online! The other nice option at Cafe Brio was that all of their dishes, from small plates to entrees, are available as half-sizes and half price as well. I ended up having half-orders of the Romaine Hearts salad and the Roast Duck Breast. The Consort had the Mixed Green Salad (with a surprise pickled celery ingredient) and the Seared Rare Albacore Tuna. Having the half orders also ensures that you leave plenty of room for desert, and you HAVE to have the Poached Pear and Chocolate Ganache. Trust me.

The food, the wine and the company was so good at Cafe Brio that I neglected to even think about getting pictures of anything. By the time we were done eating, the rain had stopped outside and we decided to walk the 20 minutes back to our hotel and soak up our last bit of Victoria. It was a bit of a chilly night, but full bellies, a warm hand to hold and loving hearts made for a beautiful walk along the waterfront.

Just so you know, we did do other things besides eat while in Victoria. We shopped at great local stores like Sitka and The Milkman's Daughter. We picked up some tea at Silk Road and a sampling of their new spa line as well. We found little gems like Fan Tan Alley in Chinatown and a local leathersmith who is now making TC a custom leather key holder. On a whim we walked into Miniature World located in the Empress Hotel and were rather blown away by this weird and wonderful attraction. And we took no less than a bajillion photos of all the teeny dioramas.

Victoria really was exactly what The Consort and I needed. A short getaway to fill our buckets right to the brim, to focus on ourselves, talk about how this past year has changed us, and make plans for a future that has four simple rules:

Simple, loving, graceful, and grateful.

n~

Why I don't think anyone should regret being a Stay At Home Mom.

As I am writing this I feel like I need to have a few disclaimers.

1. I am a teensy bit pre-menstrual (read-ranty!). My nose is on the fritz, everything REEKS today and my "geez-lady-sensitive-much?-o-meter" is kind of off the charts.

2. I am not, nor would I ever judge another person for their CHOICES in life and I applaud anyone who writes with a realness and honesty the likes of "OMG, I can't believe she just said that!".

3. You MUST read the linked article FIRST to fully understand this post. It's OK, I don't mind giving HuffPo some linky love! Maybe one day, they'll return the favor. ;)

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Now that being said, I just read an article written by a woman who is at least 15 years down the mothering road from me that has every hair on my body bristling. Lisa Endlich Heffernan from Grown and Flown just published a post with a laundry list of the reasons she regrets being a SAHM for the last 20 years. Now again, I am not judging her for her life choices or diminishing her feelings about them. What I would like to do is maybe offer a different perspective on her list. Maybe things are different as a SAHM in 2013 than they were in the '80s and '90s. Then again, I may read this post in 15 years and be all, "Yeah, RIGHT! Little did you know back then smart ass!" Either way, here is what I think.

"I let down those who went before me."  Lisa read The Feminine Mystique in the '70s. I read How to be a Woman in 2013. Both contain strong messages about feminism and what that means to each individual reader is up to them. Betty Freidan was preaching for woman to dream big and beyond the confines of being a housewife and a mother. Caitlin Moran was preaching (with lots of colourful words) to a new generation of women on taking ownership of our bodies, our minds and our work, whatever that work may be! I am a stay at home mom by choice. I have the privilege to make that choice and I stand on the shoulders of the women who came before me that gave me the right to actually have a choice in this matter and so many others in my life!

"I used my driver's license far more than my degree."  I can't disagree with her on this one. I live in an urban setting that requires a vehicle to get around and so yes, I drive a lot. I have also graduated high school and I too spent 6 years in university and have a B.Sc. in Medical Lab Sciences. My years of education taught me many things: how to splice genes, how to diagnose a parasitic infection and how to match someones blood-type for an emergency blood transfusion. It also taught me how to interact with all kinds of people, how to WRITE, how to look at situations critically and analytically, how to manage projects and people and most importantly, it taught me to always have an inquisitive and open mind. My driver's test taught me how to parallel park.

"My kids think I did nothing." OK, I am sorry, I have to get a bit judge-y here. Who's fault is this? Lisa says her kids knew what a job looked like and that she didn't have one. Hmmm... Raising three boys and not helping them to understand that what you are doing as a stay at home mom is indeed a job and a damn valuable one at that is not anyone's fault but her own. Little C and I had this very conversation yesterday when he was about to have a meltdown because I had to go to the bank. We talked about how my job is to look after the family and then we discussed all the different ways that I do that. Daddy may go to an office for his job, but my job is everywhere my family is and without me doing it, things would get really messy around here. And I am not just talking about the piles of laundry!

"My world narrowed." I get this. When your world all of a sudden becomes about the frequency and consistency of someone else's bowel movements, you want to be able to talk to people who are also concerned with these type of things. It makes the experience less isolating and far less scary. I too have made many "mommy" friends in the past six years that I hope to have for many years to come. AND, even though I am still wiping bums at home, I have also started getting myself out there in the world to meet other people too. Multiple events in my city get me out of the comforts of my inner circle and into the far-less-scary-than-I-thought circles of many others. Circles in which the talk is substantially less about poop and more with and about people of all genders and all walks of life lifting each other up and trying to make our world a better place for all of us.

"I got sucked into a mountain of volunteer work." ME TOO! Because, you know what, I too have the time. And for a lot of the volunteer work that I do, I also have the skills (See above, re: my degree). I can also say NO to the things that don't work for me. It's really that simple and the thing with volunteer work is that it is not a job, it is something you do freely, without any expectation of payment or recognition. Some of it sucks (think 6 PM to 3 AM shift at a Casino fundraiser), some of it is ridiculously fun (sitting with 5 year olds making rainbow fossil rubbings) and some of it helps keep great programs and organizations GREAT. You do what you can with your time and skills, say no when it doesn't work for you and make the best out of all of it. Kind of like anything in life!

"I worried more." I don't know about this one. Can anyone really say they worry about their kids more than another parent? It's all rather subjective. I don't think being in their presence makes the worries any less "substantive". If you click on the link to Lisa's Overparenting post, you'll see the lengths to which she has gone in this regard. Would I do anything less? Perhaps not. I am a fan of natural consequences though and eventually some cute girl will comment on how stinky a college boy who doesn't do his own laundry is and that problem will be solved and mama bear will have one less thing to worry about!

"I slipped into a more traditional marriage." I guess this depends on what one means by "traditional". If, like the author, you tend to see things in a very narrow 1950's way with the mom at home and the dad at work, and the division of labour as simple as that, then yes, I suppose that is what happens. What actually happens inside the houses of these traditional looking marriages may be very different. My husband is a very active part of our household maintenance and cleanliness and has changed just as many dirty diapers and wiped as many bums and snotty noses as I have. He is not off the hook from being a parent because his "work day" is over and we divide our household responsibilities based on our strengths and weaknesses. (Apparently, my weakness is my ability to properly clean a toilet. A task I GLADLY gave up! On the other hand, my husband's weakness is shopping in any way , shape or form, and this is something that I am very, VERY good at!)

"I became outdated." I think this is another way of saying "I got old." Sorry hon, it happens to all of us! Our parents got outdated the minute we figured out how to get the damn blinking 12:00 off of the VCR at 7 years old and still have to go over and help them change the message on their answering machines (aka, voicemail) AND remind them that the beeping sound they hear when they are on the phone means that they have call waiting. Technology is moving light years faster than human beings are evolving and it is as inevitable as the laser disc was a bad idea that our children will be more technologically adept than us a some point in our lives. In ten years from now when everyone has an actual EYE phone, I'll be clutching my dear old 4S like it is a long lost lover from my past, while my kids roll their "phones"at me!

"I lowered my sights and lost my confidence." Nothing, and I mean NOT ONE DAMN THING in my life has shaken my confidence in myself like motherhood has. I believe this is what happens when someone else's life is actually in your hands and it takes all the effort one can muster to not totally mess it up! Add to that all the outside pressure that exists for all of us to be "mom enough" or this or that kind of parent and the limited value society as a whole places on motherhood, and really, the cards are quite stacked against us and any self-confidence we may have had. It's why we surround ourselves with others in the same boat. We support each other and we give one another booster shots of confidence when our titres are low.

As for lowering one's sights, I am not sure that is the right way to look at this part of life. I like to think of it more as a matter of changing the line of sight and having different goals for this particular project. It's no longer the corner office and the big fat bonus check that I lean-in to and work for. It's the ridiculously tight full arms and leg hug that I get at the end of a long day letting me know that I rocked it at "work" that day. My bonus check is seeing a big brother help his little sister learn her letters and encouraging her when she is losing her confidence. The payments I receive for my "job" are infinite and for the most part invisible. And the view from my "corner office" (the dining room table) is damn sweet!

One particular line in Lisa's post really struck me and I am not sure what to make of it. At the end she says....

"And despite it being obvious, I did not focus on the inevitable obsolescence that my job as mom held."

Unlike Lisa, I am not at this perceived tail end of motherhood. I feel it is unfair of me to comment on an impending empty nest and lack of marketable skills to re-enter the workforce. I may very well feel her same sense of remorse in 15 years time. I do know one thing though and it is something that my kids and I talk about all the time...

Motherhood is NEVER obsolete!

Natasha~

Fairy Tales & PIE: why we need both in a marriage.

I am a sucker for a good love story. I love a happy ending when the girl gets the boy of her dreams or vice-versa or the girl gets the girl of her dream, or the boy the boy of his dreams. I am, of course, an equal opportunity love story junkie.

The problem with most love stories is that they end at the "and then they lived happily ever after" and we just assume that this is exactly the case. That love conquers all and it is all they need to keep them happy and together until the end of time.

Imagine if we could see the rest of the story. What happens after the Beast turns back to the Prince and he and Belle start having babies. Or after Ariel loses her fins and becomes human to be with Eric and then decides to take a job that requires her to be away a lot. What happens to all that fairy tale love when reality sets in?

In the past six months it has become painfully evident to me that I am in a phase in my life where I am starting to see the statistics about marriage play out around me. I don't know if it is the 'seven year itch' phenomenon or the 8, 9, 10 or 12 year itch... it just seems to be happening  more and more. Every couple is different and has their own struggles to overcome, but I do see a little bit of a recurring theme in a lot of relationships.

It sounds so bloody cliché, but having kids really does change your life. And until it happens to you, it is hard for anyone around you to really "get it".  Everything for the next few years (read FOREVER) is all about the kids. This is not all terrible, it is after all, what you signed up for. You and your partner created these little humans together and now it is your job to love and provide for them. Your focus gets easily pulled to nurturing these new relationships with your children and it can be a steep learning curve to figure out how to love them, love yourself and love your partner all at the same time. Life is about growth and development and it is not only our babies who are doing the growing. We are too - as parents, as partners, and as individuals. If we don't recognize this growth, if we stop paying attention to our life partners, a vital connection can be lost. And then, one day, there is a very sobering realization that we don't recognize the person sitting across the table from us or even the person (ourselves) looking across the table anymore.

I am a huge proponent of the attachment theory of parenting and how important it is for our babies to have that strong sense of attachment and bonding with us from the get go. Dr. Gordon Neufeld, and many others who study human psychology and development, say that attachment is THE most significant and pre-eminent need of human beings. Connections and a sense of belonging are what make us human. And if we lose those connections in our most important and intimate relationships, if we try to replace them with things or focus our connections away from our partners, we risk losing those relationships altogether.

If life and the kids and the laundry and the yard work and work work and Facebook time and gaming and working out and taking everyone to their activities and whatever else you've got going on, is taking up ALL OF YOU, it is doing so at an expense. We may think that that expense is being tired all the time and not having time for ourselves, let alone our partners, but I am telling you now, that NO, that is not it. The expense is the subtle, slipping away of trust and confidence and the very foundation that supports our relationships.

It is very easy to fall into patterns of behaviour when our babies and toddlers are small and require so much from us. We have a schedule for naps and for feedings, a routine for bedtime, a weekly colour-coded calendar full of music/swim/parent&me/gymnastics/art classes. Not to mention all the rest of the work that needs to be done at home, at the office, at the home-office or what have you. I don't know about you, but I remember so many days that I would forgot to even feed myself, let alone have a conversation or a meal with my husband. Being an attached and connected parent is a wonderful thing, but if you don't continue to nurture the original connection and attachment that MADE your child(ren), then where does that leave you?

I just finished reading Brené Brown's book, "Daring Greatly". In the chapter about Debunking the Vulnerability Myths, one paragraph really struck me. In it Brené talks about the betrayal of disengagement:

"When the people we love or with whom we have a deep connection stop caring, stop paying attention, stop investing and stop fighting for the relationship, trust begins to slip away and hurt starts seeping in. Disengagement triggers shame and our greatest fears - the fears of being abandoned, unworthy, unlovable. What can make this covert betrayal so much more dangerous than something like a lie or an affair is that we can't point to the source of our pain - there's no event, no obvious evidence of brokenness. It can feel crazy-making."

My husband and I have always had a little bit of a relationship radar in place that lets us know when life is getting the best of us. I am pretty sure that everyone has some kind of early warning system in their own relationship. It all comes down to how much or how little attention is paid to it. The increased bickering, the loss of physical connection, the muttering under the breath, being super sensitive to every little thing said to each other - these are the warnings that we can sometimes overlook or not really think too much about, but this is just a small list of the tiny betrayals that can build on each other. And if no one is paying attention to the physical, intellectual and emotional needs of their partner (I think I'll call that P.I.E.!) than going through the motions of a marriage or life partnership will never leave anyone feeling fulfilled. Every little hurt starts to adds up and disconnection is the sum result.

We've all heard it said before, love takes work. It is a choice we have to make every day. It takes a fair amount of vulnerability too. And for a lot of people, accessing that vulnerable place in themselves is a major hurdle. It's a risk to say to the person you are supposed to be totally in love with that something is off. That THIS, the way things are RIGHT NOW, is not working for you. We'll do a lot to avoid these kinds of conversations and our fears only serve to push us further away from each other. We work more, take extra shifts, spend more time on Facebook/Pinterest/Twitter. We become obsessed with perfection and our focus becomes on how we look, how the house looks, and how the world sees us. We drown our fears in booze or food. We live with what Brené Brown calls "scarcity" and become governed by self-talk and thoughts of never being "enough" of anything to anyone. It's the mother of all shame spirals and the only way out of it is to face those fears, be your most vulnerable self and start paying attention.

For me, that meant finding a good therapist to help me face my own negative self-talk and the ways that I avoid my own vulnerability. Jane* has made me realize that I can choose to change the way I think and I don't have to revert to my default avoidance setting of "fixing" everyone else's lives around me and ignoring my own problems. It has also meant having some very honest conversations with my husband and of us sharing our greatest fears within our relationship with each other. Trust me, this was not an easy task for either of us, but I truly believe that it has made all the difference. We are both more aware and focused on making sure that we are both getting our fair share of the P.I.E. more so now than ever before.

I said it above, but it bears repeating:

Attachment, connection and belonging are the pre-eminent needs of all human beings.

We are all doing our very best to ensure that we are nurturing that kind of relationship with and for our children and most of us are getting pretty good at this attachment parenting stuff. We need to remember that we too are humans and have those same basic and vital needs. To satisfy them within our significant and intimate relationships, we all need to remember to keep working on our ATTACHMENT MARRIAGE-ING and keep the focus on our own happily ever afters!

Natasha~

P.S. You all know how much I love Pink and she always know exactly what to say way better in song version...

[youtube]http://youtu.be/OpQFFLBMEPI[/youtube]

An interview with Lesléa Newman: Feminism, diversity, freedom

Last night, my husband and I watched the movie, Jeff, Who Lives at Home.  It is a poignant little film that explores the concept that everything happens for a reason, something that I have long believed in myself. A few weeks ago, I got an email inviting me to interview Lesléa Newman before her upcoming Visiting Lectureship in Human Rights at the University of Alberta. I'll be honest, I did not know who she was before receiving this email. An extensive google search and a visit to the library changed all of that and then I got VERY excited about this opportunity!

Lesléa Newman is a prolific writer, poet, and human rights activist. She is the author of over 60 books and edited collections including the groundbreaking children’s book Heather Has Two Mommies, the first children’s book to portray lesbian families in a positive way, and the award-winning short story A Letter to Harvey Milk.

As equal marriage is enshrined across North America, the struggle for LGBT rights will shift from fighting unjust laws, to building an inclusive, LGBT-friendly culture. This work begins with our children, in our nation’s great libraries and classrooms. For several decades, Lesléa has been building the foundations of this inclusive culture. She has published board books, children's books, poetry for teens and short stories for adults. She introduces lesbian and gay characters into her kids books in a completely organic way, without being didactic or heavy-handed.

Lesléa’s poetry and short stories are loved by older audiences too. Her latest, the Stonewall Honour Book October Mourning: A Song for Matthew Shepard, is a poem cycle commemorating Matthew Shepard's impact in the years since his tragic murder. Last year, A Letter To Harvey Milk was adapted for the stage at the New York Musical Theatre Festival. A student of Allen Ginsberg, she is now a professor at Spalding University's brief-residency MFA where she teaches writing for children and young adults.

As intimidated as I was interviewing a writer with over 60 published books to her name, I was so thrilled to do it and am excited to share our exchange with all of you.

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NC. Your upcoming talk is titled "It takes a village to raise an activist". Without giving away all of the lecture, what does this mean? Is there a way to be or raise an activist, without conjuring up the image of someone being militant on their stance on important issues and turning people away from the issue versus towards finding a solution and common ground?

LN. Being an activist means being active in the world, taking a stand for what you believe is right, and more often than not, joining with others who share your vision, and standing on the shoulders of those who came before you. Activism can be extremely effective and every single one of us can make a difference. There is a South African provberb that says, "if you believe that one person cannot make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito in the room." I think that's absolutely true.

NC. What does being a feminist mean to you? And what would you say to women who back away from that word for fear of its negative (militant) connotations or to those who feel that it leaves one with a chip on her shoulder?

LN. I grew up in the golden years of feminism. I still remember when the first issue of Ms. Magazine was published! Specifically, I was very active in the feminist publishing and bookstore movement, and would not have a career without it. I have always loved this quote about feminism, attributed to Rebecca West: “I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.” I am proud of being a feminist, and truly baffled by those, especially women, who don't embrace the term.

NC. How important do you think it is having books like Heather has Two Mommies or Donovan's Big Day in school libraries and available to all kids, not just those with same sex parents?

LN. I think HEATHER and DONOVAN are important to have available to any child, teacher, or family, who wants to be inclusive in his or her reading and/or teaching in the same way that I think children, families, and teachers of all races should read about people of all races. Our planet is diverse and there is great beauty in that diversity. Wouldn't it be great if we all celebrated one another?

NC. You write for such a wide age span, from children's books, to YA, to adult fiction. How easy is it to flow from writing for one audience to the next and know just how to reach each of them?

LN. When I sit down to start something new, I never know if it's going to be something for young children, teens or adults. I also never know if it's going to be poetry or prose. I don't find any difference in the process--writing is writing and I'm always happy and grateful when something worthwhile comes out of my pen.

NC. As a writer (and fellow activist) I have to ask... What keeps you going? How do you keep the creative juices flowing for your writing and keep fighting the good fight as an activist as well?

LN. I keep writing because I'm happier writing than not writing. When the great cellist Pablo Casals was asked when he was in his nineties why he still practiced every day, he said, "Because I think I might be improving." I never know, when I sit down to write, if I am going to write my best work on any given day. What I do know is, I'm not going to write anything if I don't sit down and pick up my pen (and yes, I still do write with a pen). So curiosity keeps me going. As for activisim, outrage, frustration, and sadness keep me going. And hope of course. As Emma Lazarus said, "None of us is free until all of us are free." I look forward to the day when all of us are free.

.....................

I will be attending Lesléa's lecture this week at the University of Alberta and I encourage you to as well. Everything really does happen for a reason. Her words have inspired me already and this was just a few questions that we exchanged over email! I can't wait to hear her speak in person and be even more motivated to continue my personal growth as an feminist, a human rights activist and a writer.

I too look forward to the day when all of us are free to be who we are, no holds barred!

natasha~

Sharing

In an effort to become a more organized and cohesive family unit, my husband and I have started sharing our iCalendars. We now know exactly where we are at all times, what activities the kids have, when any and all appointments are, and, as of last night, when my menstrual cycle starts. Yes. You read that right. My menstrual cycle is now in my husbands calendar and "in the Cloud".

The past few weeks have been particularly tough for me and I honestly couldn't figure out why. I have been extremely moody, irritable and VERY emotionally volatile. I mean, I almost burst into tears at soccer registration because C has to play on the Under-8 team and not the Under -6 team with all his school friends. That incident alone should have clued me in to what was going on.

But no, I just kept thinking I was staring at the beginning of my mid-life crisis and was slowly losing my mind. My poor husband even told me last week that he was afraid to say anything to me for fear of my response or interpretation of his {innocent} words. My kids noticed too and one day my 4 year old said to me that she thought I needed a nap because I was so grumpy. :(

In the past 24 hours, I started putting two and two together thanks to the like-clockwork arrival of dear Aunt Flo.

Have you seen that new Poise commercial? The one with various women of my {ahem} age range, talking about "the change"? Here it is for those of you who haven't.

The women in the commercial talk about having a "second talk". About how your body is changing yet again and that we should really be having another open and honest chat about it. I for one, am all for this. I don't know if I am truly going through any kind of change at the moment, but I am probably at the beginning of it and SOMETHING is going on.

Hormone changes, body changes, hair growing in new places (just ask Tanis about that one!).  These things happen and no one really talks about it! It's not like our moms are sitting us down with a nice cup of tea and some mini muffins and saying to us, "Now dear, let me tell you why you are going to need a really big tub of lube these days."

And the PMS!! Oh dear GAWD! I have never been one to experience really bad PMS. I was on the pill for a good portion of my {ahem} teen and adult life and then I had babies. I refuse to go back on any kind of hormonal birth control after my IUD experience and so here I am. Forty-one years old and expereincing real PMS for the first time in my life. Or as I have just found out, what could very well be PERImenopause. 

You didn't know about that pre-phase of the change now did you?  SEE, we really do need to have that second talk!!

Perimenopause is the phase that happens 1-5 years BEFORE actual menopause. And it can wreak havoc on all kinds of hormones; your estrogen levels, stress hormones, insulin hormones... ALL of them!

This stage of life is difficult to diagnose because most symptoms of perimenopause match up with those of PMS, or even just a bad day: Anger, anxiety, backache, bloating, mood swings, fuzzy thinking, loss of sexual desire, and irritability are a few examples. Women who don’t know they’re going through perimenopause may experience these symptoms for years and years without even considering that dropping hormone levels may be to blame. In the meantime, they may simply feel like there’s “something wrong” with them or that they’re going crazy. They may attribute their extra stress and irritability to the increasing pressures of advancing in their career or raising growing children.

I read the above paragraph and a light bulb went off in my head. OMG!! This is me! (See last post, where I reiterate the  "what is wrong with me, I think I am going crazy" thoughts as stated above!)

So there you have it folks.

My name is Natasha and I am perimenopausal!

And in an effort to track this, keep an eye out for the mood swings, fuzzy thinking and irritability and to ensure the continued functioning of my family and my marriage, my husband now has this in his calendar for next month. He says he is good with it, because now he knows exactly when he is more likely to get some action! I love how he sees the silver lining in this (even if AF is arriving on Date Night and will be the awkward third wheel).

Feeling better, yet also, very old,

natasha~

Prince Charmings need not apply

Last night I was up until 1:00 AM having a very interesting conversation with a few people on a friend's Facebook wall. Kevin posted this status update to his page and his blog and then let the chips fall (and as you can see, they did indeed fall... 115 times).

The conversation got off to a quick start when another commenter posted that he disagreed, did not love 'bitches' and then said this,

And I think a lot of modern female culture is just an excuse for bad behaviour and out of control narcissism.....

I couldn't resist, at that point I HAD to say something.

I asked him for clarification on what he thought "modern female culture" was and after some initial back and forth and outright and admitted ignoring of my question, he finally answered.

Natasha - modern female culture: a couple of weeks ago I met with a public relations strategist. Years of data and research led him to conclude that the only demographic that makes sense these days is women 30-55. They make 47% of all family decisions alone, 33% of family decisions in collaboration with their partner but they are dominant in the discussion, and men make 20% of the decisions (most of which revolve around golf and cars). The conclusion? Men have become functionally irrelevant in modern society. Women rule. Male presidents and prime ministers and CEOs only mask much deeper and profound changes of the past two decades. Your gender is now dominant.

He went on to state a bunch of other anecdotal evidence of the above as well. That most of his male friends admit that their wives and girlfriends are the dominant ones in their relationships and that they are unhappy about this and that in general, men don't like to date women who are dominant.

While in this day and age the concept of one party being dominant in any relationship, especially a marriage/life partnership, smacks of some severe dysfunctionality to me, I was really trying to understand this person's point of view. Why, you ask? Because lately, I have witnessed some of this very behaviour in a few relationships around me and I am trying to figure out why this is happening.

Have men truly become 'functionally irrelevant' in our society?

A woman does not NEED a man these days. A woman can support herself financially, can train in any profession or trade she chooses, and can even have children without a man. Women make 85% of consumer purchasing decisions and 75% of women identify themselves as the primary purchaser for their households.

Women continue to seek equality in terms of jobs and salaries paid (we are still a ways off from this as the most recent statistics from Stats Canada reveal that women are still only making 83.3% of what a man makes). We want our relationships to be true partnerships, with each person having their strengths (and weaknesses) complimented  by those of the other person.

We have come a long way from the fairy tales of princesses needing knights in shining armour to save and protect us from all things. And although that "princess culture" still exists, we fight it, some of us more fervently than others. We tell our daughters that they can be anything they want to be, that there is more to life than being a pretty princess waiting for her prince charming to come along.

But where does this leave all those Prince Charmings? All those boys who are now men, who heard the same stories and grew up believing that it is their job to take care of the princesses, move them into their own castles and live happily ever after? Is there a whole generation of men who really don't know how to have functional relationships with women who have brains as well as beauty? Women who refuse to BE the princesses, who don't tow the old lines of "honor and obey thy husband" or society's historical expectations of what a proper woman is or does (IE, shut up, smile and look pretty)?

From what I read and contributed last night on my friend's Facebook thread and from what I have witnessed recently in my own world, I think that for some men, this may indeed be the case. They need to be the dominant ones in their relationships, the one pulling the strings, making all the major decisions and the one being the knight who has the pretty, helpless (and quiet) princess on his arm at the ball.

I don't think they make up a lot of our society and I do think that this may be limited to men of a certain generation (40+). I highly doubt we will see this in the next few generations of boys and men who are being brought up by strong women who no longer buy into all of this princess/prince charming culture, but are strong, intelligent and independent Queens who are running their own kingdoms, with or without a King of equally valuable strength, intelligence, love and compassion at their sides!

What do you think? Are the middle-aged Prince Charmings of the world struggling with their role in modern society? 

Natasha~

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This is Post #29 of the Summer Blog Challenge that ENDS TODAY!

Please visit these other sites and congratulate all of the challenge participants for getting through this month

and giving you all some great reading!

Zita at The Dulock Diaries.

Meaghan at MagzD Life

April at This Mom’s Got Something to Say

Aramelle at One Wheeler’s World

 Jessica at 2plus2X2

and Liam at In the Now