Feminist Fare Friday: the Neil's Mom ROCKs! edition.
Somehow it is Friday yet again. I swear this week started super slow and then BAM! Friday, just like that. For the record, I am not complaining, just perhaps noticing the passing of time going way faster. Maybe that's what happens as we age, time seems to move differently.
Anywhooo... that's perhaps an existential discussion for another time.
Let's get to it.
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1. Neil Kramer is a fellow writer, Instagrammer and sometimes tweeter who asked his mom this past week if she is a feminist. He recorded this conversation and shared it on his blog, Citizen of the Month and over at The Broad Side. Here is a snippet for you.... Please go read the rest. I officially love Neil's Mom and look forward to meeting her one day.
Me: Will you vote for a woman president?
Me: Do you think a feminist should look a certain way? Like not wear lipstick or shave her legs?
Me: And what do you think about the different roles of mothers and fathers?
Mom: Well, I do believe that a parent should stay at home with a young child.
Me: Aha! Gotcha! So, you think a mother should stay at home?
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2. Oh Barbie. Trying so hard to be whatever she wants to be and show girls that they can be that too, but still managing to somehow fuck it all up. In the latest instalment of Mattel trying to get us to believe that Barbie is actually a good role model for girls, comes the incredibly disappointing "Barbie, I can be a computer engineer" book.
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3. Kim Kardashian was all over the internet last week trying to break it with her beautiful butt. But as any breastfeeding mom who has ever posted a picture on social media knows, you just have to be a woman being a woman to do that! Jessica Martin-Weber breaks it down for us in her HuffPo Parents piece this week:
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4. I've been thinking about the whole #Shirtstorm thing all week and trying to wrap my head around it. I mean in the grand scheme of things, ie: landing a spacecraft on a moving comet, it really did seem like it shouldn't have been such a big deal. And then I read the line below in a post on the blog Women in Astronomy and two things became very clear to me... 1) It was not and never has been about the damn shirt! and 2) I still have so much ingrained sexism to unlearn in this life.
N~
Measuring
The list of my city's Top 40 under 40 came out this month and I know about eight people on the list. Young, ambitious, go-getters, doing good things for our city and for the world, and all that jazz. And as I read the write ups on all of them, all I could feel was, "SHIT! Most of these folks are 10 years younger than me, what the heck have I done with my life?" I had to stop for a minute and think of what I have done with my life.
I put myself through university, paid off my student loans (eventually), had a successful career in the Pharmaceutical industry, jointly saved up and paid for our destination wedding, designed and built THREE houses in the past 10 years, birthed two children, started my own business, helped to create a community of and for like-minded parents online, (re)discovered my love of writing and embraced my feminist self. And all of this life experience, I am using to continue to write and opine and educate (myself and others) through my blog and on social media. It's really not that bad of a list... so far.
So much of what we do and see and say these days is so outwardly focused. We are online throughout our days seeing what other people are saying and doing, waiting to find out what the "right" response should be about world events and news, what charity to support, whose bandwagon to jump on this week, what new fandangle all the cool kids are doing (um... hello Ello!). It can get a bit overwhelming and sometimes even depressing, especially when we start feeling like we don't measure up to the these standards of success or status or "coolness" that we have given credence to.
One of the major lessons that I have learned in my life, and to be honest, probably just in the last few years (so, that would be AFTER 40) is that making a difference in the world or in someone's life, is not about doing the "volunteer all your time, give all your money, go to al the GALAs and do all the FLASHY things" stuff. It is about finding what speaks to your heart, being true to yourself, setting healthy boundaries and not living within a framework of fear, shame, and scarcity - which too often seem to be the default settings for many in our world.
It's the scarcity one that gets me all the time though. You may be more familiar with it as, " I am not ___________ enough.". And it is statements like these that can send me into a tailspin of self-doubt and negative self-talk faster than a room full of toddlers an hour after eating red-icing covered cupcakes. It is what happened as I was reading all the Top 40 nominees and their long lists of accomplishments. It's what happens when I read bios for other bloggers and presenters at social media conferences and yes, it even happens on the playground or school yard when I start hearing about all the extra curricular activities and programs other families have their kids enrolled in. I get out my imaginary measuring stick and it all goes downhill from there.
I sometimes feel like the scarcity issue is a double-edged sword too. One doesn't want to seem too cocky about oneself either and be all, I am enough, I have enough, I DO enough. Especially if there are those around you who actually don't have enough. There's this feeling that lurks around telling us that if we are TOO happy, then there must something wrong with us. This results in conversations that turn into a competition for who can out-misery the other. "Your kids won't eat their lunches? Well, that's nothing, MINE will only eat peanut butter, from the jar, with a special spoon." "You think you are busy with your two kids in hockey? HA! I have to balance hockey, piano lessons, KUMON classes AND gymnastics for three kids." In the end, there really are no winners in a misery war.
The thing with these imaginary measuring sticks is this. One - they are IMAGINARY! And two - there is no standard length for them. Everyone's is different and all of these things that we feel the need to measure: happiness, success, business, balance, etc..., they are subjective. Someone having a REALLY good day and saying so on Facebook, doesn't mean that your day is bad. Someone getting a writing gig with a magazine, while you still trudge away writing on your little blog doesn't mean that your writing sucks. And someone whose kids do ALL THE THINGS, doesn't mean that their kids are any happier than or are "getting an edge over", your kids. What all of this means is simply, different strokes for different folks.
I am sitting here looking over the Top 40 list again and doing so from a slightly different angle. One where I am not in the picture. One where I can be proud of the young, vibrant voices of the women and men that live and work in my community and my city and that are putting it on the map for the world to see.
I am putting away my measuring stick. Or repurposing it. I think I'll make it into my new walking stick and I'll take it with me along this path that is MY life. One in which I really am enough. One where I will walk beside my fellow humans, who also have their own walkings sticks. Some taller than mine, some made of a different wood, some decorated with fancy inlayed beads. And all the while, while we may admire each other's sticks, I'll know that my own stick is the one that keeps me upright, helps me navigate my footing in this world and is the one that is perfect, that is ENOUGH, for me.
n~
Midway
At the beginning of the month, I had this strong urge to do all the daily things. Writing, picture taking, meditation, yoga-ing.
I signed up for my first official #NaBloPoMo, found a lovely little daily photo challenge on Instagram called #thedailybon and made a promise to myself to get at least one 15-20 minute session of meditation in each day.
So, how's it going you ask? Because I know you're all just sitting around waiting for me to hit publish every day, right. RIGHT??!
Well, it's day 15 of #NaBloPoMo and I missed days 9, 10 and 11. I have to chalk that up to the disappointing cancelled mountain getaway weekend and then frantically trying to make up for it by doing ALL THE THINGS with my family over three days. Movies, dinners out, a trip to Toys R Us.... Oh, yes, the guilt was strong in those few days. I swear I have a couple of heavier pieces in the works and a guest post coming up this week.
I am really enjoying #thedailybon photo challenge over on Instagram. I am pushing myself artistically with my iPhoneography and trying to remember all the things that I learned from @motherbumper at Blissdom Canada this year. I case you are wondering, I take most of my shots with Camera+ and then edit with Snapseed.
Here are my faves so far:
Follow me on Instagram at @StayAtHomeFeminist.
Daily blogging is tough, some days you just really don't want to, others you literally have nothing to write, and sometimes, yes, you get posts that don't have much substance to them. This thing is about more than just churning out words on the screen just because, it's about sifting through the words in our heads and turning them into something with meaning. It's about practice. For me it's about making a conscious effort to carve out my "writing time", and really explore different ideas about writing and actually getting good at this thing.
Thank you for tagging along with me this month.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I haven't meditated yet today.
Namaste,
natasha~
Feminist Fare Friday: The #DUH Edition
If it is not clear as bloody day yet that I AM A FEMINIST, then I am so doing this whole blogging and online activism thing very, very poorly!
Sometimes I am an angry feminist, sometimes a happy, lipstick wearing one, sometimes a barefoot-in-my-kitchen-making-dinner-for-my-family one and sometimes a loud, "what the holy heck is wrong with this world!!", activist-y one! But it is always a part of me, a BIG part....
Natasha - Writer, Feminist, Mother, Partner, Advocate, Activist. These are the words that I use to describe myself.
This week TIME magazine published their list of words that should be "banned" in 2015 and included FEMINIST on that list (Time Editor Nancy Gibb has since written an apology for this). It took all my strength on Wednesday to not curl up in a ball on my couch, repeating to myself, "why do I bother? why do I bother? why do I bother?".
And then I remembered why I bother.
BECAUSE (obviously) THE WORK IS NOT DONE YET!
So for today, all I want you to do is watch this video from my friend Jenni Chiu of Mommy Nani Booboo.
Because she too wants more of us say it loud and proud and truly UNDERSTAND what the word means!
[youtube]http://youtu.be/rXR9bPwCGKY[/youtube]
Feminist Fare Friday: The Day 7 of NaBloPoMo Edition.
It is Friday, I have read some really, really good shit on the web this week.
And you know how I like to share...
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In response to the now viral Hollaback catcalling video, Elon James White, the CEO of This Week in Blackness responded in the best way... By creating the #DudesGreetingDudes Twitter hashtag. And even with some of the absolute hilarity of some of the tweets, there was a strong point to be made about the very nature of catcalling and street harassment...
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And speaking of that catcalling video... The eye gymnastics that Amanda Seales had to perform in her CNN interview with her fellow "mansplaining" guest was seriously Olympic status worthy! She recalls that particularly trying routine for us at XOJane this week...
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Also this week, excerpts from Lena Dunham's new memoir have thrown everyone for another really, REALLY, uncomfortable loop. I have an upcoming post that will address some of the issues arising from this in more depth, but for now, I want you all to read what Elan Morgan had to say about it. Because it is powerful and made me really take a step back and think. AS WE ALL SHOULD in these situations.
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There is a conversation that needs to be happening more in the parenting world and it is one that goes far beyond normalizing breastfeeding and breastfeeding in public. It is one about mothering and race. Because as this past week has shown, a white woman breastfeeding in her cap and gown is "adorable", while a few months ago, a black women breastfeeding in her cap and gown is "ratchett and ghetto". Yup, we really are such an enlightened bunch. LE GRAND SIGH... come on people, we can do so much better than this!
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And finally, this video.
Because, OH MY GO....
[youtube]http://youtu.be/hR3ctoLrOHk[/youtube]
Happy Friday Everyone!
n~
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Welcome to my guest house.
Sometimes life is hard.
The news is not good. People are awful to each other. Fear and hate seem to be winning and love and compassion become afterthoughts to feelings being expressed in 140 characters or 1000 word blog posts. There seems to always be a "spin" being put on the information we receive and deciphering this coded language is enough to make even the most hardy of folks weary and tired.
When life is hard, when the world feels like it is going to hell in a hand basket, I tend to curl up in a ball like a southern three-banded armadillo and wait for the "threat" to pass. I shut myself away from everyone and everything until I feel like I can come out and deal with it all again.
But today, I didn't.
Today was an odd day for me.
Today I looked outside of myself and tried to really see others around me and let them see me. Just regular people that I interact with in my day to day life. And yet today, because I opened up my shell a crack to let some of them in, they let me into their lives a bit too. Today was filled with moments with these people. Moments of clarity, of love, of acceptance. Moments when, for just a second, we recognized in each other that same scared little child, that hopeful kid, that barely-holding-it-together adult and said a silent, "I see you. You matter. Right here. Right now." to each other.
In yoga class, my friend Mandy shared this Rumi poem with us:
THE GUEST HOUSE
This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
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So be hard World.
I can take it.
I will welcome the pain and fear, because beyond that is healing and courage.
Take all you want from my house, so I can make room for new guests, new thoughts, new paths to forge ahead on.
Spin all your news however you think it will matter. I won't let it spin me, or my conscience, or my convictions.
Today I learned that curling up in a ball may protect me for a time, but opening up and letting people in, that is what is going to really change my world.
And maybe,
in some small way,
eventually,
I'll change the the Big Bad World out there too.
Peace,
n~
#ethicsshmethics
"Ethics is knowing the difference between what you have a right to do and what is right to do."
~ Potter Stewart
A few weeks ago, I was on stage with three wonderful women in front of a full conference room at the annual Blissdom Canada blogging conference. We were speaking on a much ignored, yet incredibly important topic in the blogging world.
Ethics.
It's a heavy topic to be sure, but it is time for it to take centre stage and be openly spoken about at conferences and amongst ourselves. Together with my fellow panel members, Elan Morgan, Shannon McKarney and Karen Green, we touched on the surface of this iceberg of a topic. In hindsight, what I think we all realize now, is that a one hour "Ethics in Blogging" panel was just not enough time and we could have easily made this into a 2-3 hour workshop. That being said, I wanted to follow up with some key points from our discussion that day and some of the points that we didn't have time to delve in to.
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1. Have your own Code of Ethics.
This doesn't have to be a pages long manifesto or a list of black and white rules that you must follow at all times, but it is a good idea to have something written down. It also doesn't have to be something that is published on your blog, although you can totally do that if you want. Think of it more as something for you. As your moral blogging compass to keep you on the track that you have set out for yourself in this online, over-sharing, publishing, and marketing world. It can be a list of companies that you will (or more importantly, ones that you will NOT work with), how/if/when you use and share pictures of your kids, yourself, or your spouse/partner online. The kinds of stories and topics that are taboo for you. For example, I personally tend to stay away from writing about vaccines and circumcision-need I say more?. This code is often made up of all the thoughts that we always have at the back of our minds, but writing them down and having them tucked away in a drawer in your desk or on your office bulletin board, or as an easily accessible file, can help keep you on track.
2. Get yourself a third party "Gut-checker".
Think of this person or group of people as your real life spell checker, not just for grammar, but for your content and any potential consequences it may have as well. We all have a tendency to get caught up in our own worlds (and words) and sometimes, can't see the forest for the trees. As writers, getting our words and feelings out on the page or screen is very often how we deal with situations in our lives. BUT, before hitting that publish button in a fit of frustration or ranty rantingness (totally a word BTW), have someone you trust, who knows you and the world that you live in, both online and off, give you that third party perspective. This can go a long way towards saving you from embarrassment, haters, hurt feelings and burnt bridges. Karen made reference to the "feel the fear and do it anyways" philosophy of life, but sometimes, feeling the fear, listening to that little nagging voice in your head and getting a second opinion might actually be your best course of action.
3. Talk to your kids about what you do.
Tell them that you are a story writer. That you write stories about them, about your life and if it is the case, about the products and services that you use. Tell them why people want to read your stories and why it is important for you to write them. Many of us are leaving a legacy behind for our children via our blogs and online writing. Make sure it is a good one. Be respectful of the little people in your life and their rights. When my son had recovered from his sudden and critical illness this past summer and I was finally able to write about it, I sat him down and talked to him. I asked him if it was okay that I wanted to write about what happened to him and to all of us. I showed him the pictures that I wanted to use in the post and he had final approval for the ones in it. I explained how so many people, from so many places had been praying and sending us love and get well messages while he was in the hospital and that this was a way for me to say thank you and to let them all know that he was getting better every day. It has opened a whole new door of communication between my children and I, and as they get older and become more aware of their own online presences, these conversations will be vital to our relationships and to my writing as well.
4. Do disclosure right.
**Full disclosure: I don't really do a whole lot of sponsored posts or product review posts.**
What I do though, is read a lot of blog posts from a lot of different kinds of bloggers. I am a consumer. A consumer of the content that is written and often times a consumer of the products being written about. And as such, I can tell you this, consumers do not like to be duped. Do not write a sentimental post about the fabulous vacation you've just had with your beautiful family, complete with all the pictures, the travel tips, the great amenities and then at the very bottom of the post let me know that the whole trip was sponsored and part of a marketing initiative. Do not write a heart wrenching post about a charity or socially conscious issue you are extremely passionate about, only to say in the last paragraph that it is part of a bigger campaign and then ask for support for said campaign. This kind of "disclosure" is akin to reading one of those great viral stories that get sent around via email or on Facebook and then at the end, implore or shame you into "sharing" it with 10 of your closest friends or else a pox will fall on your household. It is simply bad form. Out of respect for your readers, the ones who are part of the reason you are getting paid to do this work, please put all disclosure statements at the very top of your posts. In the end, you'll get more respect (and loyalty) from said readers. For a couple of examples of what I mean, check out what Jessica at Momma's Gone City did here or what Heather did with this post at Dooce. I read and loved both of those posts, because I love both of these ladies and the writing that they do, but I knew going in that there was a product being talked about. Let your readers make the decision to continue reading after your sponsorship or product review disclosure, don't fool them into it.
5. DO NOT STEAL! EVER!
It sucks that this even has to be said, but it really does. No, you can not Google a picture of an elephant and then just take the one that looks best from the images that you find in your search. No, you can not copy a complete blog post and repost it to a different site, even if you give credit to the author. No, you can not download photos from Facebook that are not yours and use them in your posts without permission. Copyright exists on a kind of spectrum and it is a good idea to read up and get a good handle on Fair Use and Copyright basics, so that you don't run into any trouble. And understand that the laws are somewhat different in Canada and the US. To be safe, take your own photos for your posts, or buy them from a stock photo site, or check the Creative Commons photos on flickr, which you can use, but require credit to the creator. And above all else, do not steal someone's words or ideas. As writers, these words are who we are, they are the product that we create, the stories that we tell and they are ours.
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I have way more to say about this year's expereince at Blissdom Canada, but I'll save that for another day. And there is so much more to say on the topic of blogging and ethics that this post could go on and on and on. What I am very happy about it that this conversation is happening and as the internet evolves, so must we in the way we behave online, how we share our content and the responsibility we have to both ourselves and our readers.
What more would you add to the conversation about ethics in blogging?
Natasha~
Photo Credit: Anna Epp Photography
If you build her....
Where are all the feminists?
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What was it that Kevin Costner heard whispered to him in that baseball movie? Oh, right. "If you build it, they will come."*
Well, apparently, according to Heather Mallick at the Toronto Star; Canada needs to get on with building itself a better, more prominent/famous** feminist. Because apparently, there are none, NONE, in this vast country of ours.
Now granted, earlier this week Heather sat in a sold out crowd, watching PROMINENT British humourist and feminist, Cailtin Moran, do her schtick and promote her new book, How to Build a Girl, hot on the heels of the best-selling success of her 2011 book, How to be a Woman. Heather's enthusiasm and desire for a loud, in your face, this is the best time to be a woman, empowerment for all, ra-rah feminist is not surprising, Moran's wit and humour can be very infectious. I myself have had a bad case of Moran-itis in the past and thankfully, so very, very thankfully, have developed an immunity to it. So, I am going to give Heather a bit of a break, due to a possible fever and some delirium post-Moran, so to speak.
Because Canada does indeed have some very effective, and somewhat famous, feminists living and working and doing the hard job of actually BEING a feminist in our country and I have the great honour of being friends with some of them!
We have feminists like Annie from Phd in Parenting being asked to write for the NY Times. We have feminists like Lyndsay Kirkham, with her giant head, and outing of the continued misogynist culture in the tech world, being featured on The View. There is Danielle Paradis, whose a regular contributor at Policy Mic and whose writing has been published, well, pretty much everywhere (but, hmmm... not so much by many Canadian media outlets). We have feminists working to end violence against women, we have feminists working hard to pressure our government into making formal inquiries into missing and murdered indigenous women in our country, we have feminists who are raising the bar for everyone in the fight against street harassment.
What we don't have is a token "rock star" feminist. We don't have a Caitlin Moran telling/yelling at everyone, "If you have a vagina and want to be in charge of it, you are a feminist!" We don't have a Beyoncé with her glowing giant proclamation of FEMINIST behind her at the VMAs, we don't have an distinctively Canadian iconic feminist similar to Gloria Steinem, passing the torch to the younger generation and the next wave of feminism.
The thing is, I don't think we should have just one go-to feminist. That in and of itself is problematic. No one person can encompass all of the differences and intersections and individuals that make up modern day feminism. I can hear the critics now, "But Natasha, why not? Feminism just means equality for all and if we are all on the same team, why can't we have a team captain?" Because. We can't. No one person will experience and practice feminism exactly the same as the next. My white, cis-gendered, middle class feminism, is not the same as that of a person of colour or indigenous woman, it is not the same as a new immigrant's feminism and it is not the same as a LGBTQ person's feminism. It would be selfish, extremely self-centered, and irresponsible of me or any one feminist to claim to speak for or represent all feminists in Canada. What we can do though, is speak of our experiences and create a feminist collective. What I can do is speak about my life experiences, give my opinions within my frame of reference and when I can, amplify the stories of others to the audience I have and on the platforms that I have built for myself.
And that right there is the round about long way of coming by the simple answer to the question that Heather Mallick originally asked. "Why can't Canada build a prominent/famous** feminist?" Because Heather, most of the mainstream media in Canadian, does not really care to bother themselves with us. Canadian feminists for the most part are doing their work, being advocates and activists, and getting the message out via personal blogs and Facebook groups and grass-roots, non-profit, academic and non-academic organizations. They are doing their feminist work by being an example for and influencing, either directly or indirectly, people in their families and in their communities (online and IRL), their groups of friends, their children and their children's friends too. And that kind of feminism is just not that flashy and in-your-face, it is not the firebrand-rock-star-famous-making kind of feminism and therefore not usually deemed worthy of any kind of serious media attention.
Just like there is no one way to be a feminist, even though many will try to tell you otherwise, there is no one Canadian feminist that can lead us to the great land of milk and equality. Collectively though, we are a force, we may not be a nationally or internationally recognized one, we many not have best-selling books and go around telling folks that "I literally couldn't give a shit about it" and have an I'll be as crude and ableist and transphobic as I please attitude about one's feminism, we choose the more polite, inclusive and distinctively Canadian way. We pick ourselves up by our bootstraps (we all have boots) and get to doing the work that needs doing in whatever way we can. Not for the glory and the fame...
Because it is the right thing to do. And because as this GoodReads reviewer puts it in her analysis of How to Be a Woman,
Feminism doesn't need to be rock and roll, it's much better than that.
Cheers,
A not very famous Canadian Feminist doing her part.
(AND who would definitely consider a nationally syndicated column in which I could feature and profile our collective Canadian feminist voices. I'm just saying...)
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What do you think?
Who are your favourite Canadian Feminists?
Please share your answers here and on Twitter with the hashtags #canfem and #BraveCanadianFeminist
*The actual quote from Field of Dreams is "If you build it, HE will come."
**The original title of the Toronto Star article was "Why can't Canada build a feminist?" and after much backlash online, the editors changed it to read, "Why can't Canada build a famous feminist?"