world's toughest job - I don't have it!
Mother's Day is less than a month away. Cue all the cheesy videos, montages and clever ads telling you how motherhood is the hardest job in the world... and of course, the most rewarding one too. You'll probably tear up while watching these videos, you won't necessarily want to, but the magic of the ad-man is that they know how to get to you!
The most recent (and instantly viral - 1.5 million views as of today) of these videos is this one from CardStore.com describing and interviewing people for the position of Director of Operations at Rehtom, Inc., AKA, the toughest job in the world.
[youtube]http://youtu.be/HB3xM93rXbY[/youtube]
Here are a few quotes from the "interview" that really stuck out for me, and as a mother and current Director of Operations for my own household, I would like to address these points.
"Constantly on your feet, constantly bending over, a high level of stamina..."
Right now I am sitting on my butt at Starbucks drinking a chai latte. I've got my favourite Songza playlist playing in my earphones and sure, I may be bent over my laptop typing, but it's really not requiring a lot out of me. Motherhood is a marathon people, not a sprint. You've got to pace yourself. I am not sure where this "constantly on your feet and then bending over" imagery comes from (perhaps here), but it's just plain silly. I sit and play with my kids, I sit down for meals with my family (more on that in a bit), I took the "sleep when baby sleeps" message to heart and did just that. I am assuming the bending over is related to picking up little children, or picking up AFTER little children, but even in that regard, I'm pretty sure I have never been all, "Phew... this sure takes a lot of stamina!" (Unless it's picking up LEGO, that shit requires stamina, patience and a whole new SFK (safe-for-kids) vocabulary for when you step on it.) And I won't even start on moms who have mobility issues or are in wheelchairs... because obviously they need not apply!
"No, there are no breaks available."
Oh please. OK, fine, NO, there are no breaks from motherhood. Once a mother, always a mother. Yeah, yeah, I hear you, but know this, there are also choices in motherhood. There is the choice to be the martyr mom, the one who never does take a break, and who is constantly complaining about said lack of breaks, yet never does anything about that (hello - it's called self-care folks and it is a thing!). I think that the bigger problem here is that some people actually do look at motherhood like a JOB, as if it is something that has parameters to it. Like it is some kind of 18-year contract work that comes with a policy and procedures manual. I am here to tell you (and I probably don't need to if in fact you ARE a mother), there is no manual, AND THIS IS NOT A JOB. It is a life choice. Some call it a role or a vocation, others call it a biological imperative and some would even call it a divine plan. Whatever you call it, understand this, motherhood is not a job. You don't get your two 15 minutes breaks, a 45 minute lunch and overtime after you've put in your 37.5 hours per week. You do however, get to choose how and when you do take your breaks and recharge yourself and leave all that martyrdom behind!
"You can have lunch, after the associate has had their lunch."
I'll admit that yes, I do make sure that everyone else if fed before I feed myself. As all mothers know, this is often done out of necessity... to stave of the wrath of The Hangry Toddler. What I also do is insist on everyone sitting down together for at least one meal a day. In our house, that is dinner. We all contribute to this time together, whether it is choosing the meal, setting the table, or helping to prepare the food. Even when my kids were little and just starting to sit up and eat solid food, we did this with them at the table, as a family at meal times. The problem with the "feed everyone before you feed yourself" mentality is that, once the "associates" have eaten, they want to go and do other things and there is no time for you to eat. Then your left with the second most terrifying thing next to The Hangry Toddler, The Hangry {Over-Caffeinated} Mother.
"The candidate must have a degree in medicine, finance and the culinary arts."
I have a degree in laboratory medicine and one in business management. My husband actually does have a degree in medicine. Not one of these academic degrees gives either of us any more qualifications to be a mother or father than anyone else walking around with degrees is psychology, education, the fine arts, chemical engineering or what-have-you. Parenting is not a degree you earn. It is hands-on learning and perhaps what having a degree in ANYTHING does for parents, is give them the tools and skills to figure shit out! (A university or college degree is in now way a prerequisite here.) Parents need a good amount of critical thinking skills, a whole lot of "flying by the seat of your pants" skills and a good measure of imagination and improvisational skills too. Add all of that up and maybe, just maybe you'll get an imaginary Doctorate in Parenting, but just remember that your advanced degree is primarily going to apply only to those attending the U of YOF (Your Own Family).
"If you had a life, we would ask that you give that life up."
This is the moment in the video that I wanted to say a big, Eff OFF! Mothers (and fathers) do not give up their lives when they have kids! They make choices, they make sacrifices, they grow. Their lives change, they don't END. Now, if by life, the video meant JOB or CAREER, then yes, some parents do give those up. This line of thinking just furthers the notion that a person is valued not by who they are, but by what they do for a living. And if you need a reminder of the value of a MOTHER, well, then this post could go on for a LONG time!
"No vacations. No time to sleep."
This is just a continuation of the no life thing. Guess what Moms, you CAN take vacations! You can take them with your kids and yes, you can even take them without the kids. Now, if you are like me, it may take you a few years to work up to the whole leaving the kids for more than a day thing, but I promise you it will be worth it and you can take baby steps all the way up to that lovely week long tropical getaway for you and your significant other or your closest girlfriends.
The whole sleep thing is a different story. All I have to say about this is that my kids are 5 and 7 and some nights I may not be sleeping in my own bed... BUT, I am sleeping. Do what works for you and yours and do try to get some sleep!
"The position is going to pay absolutely nothing. Completely pro bono."
The reaction of the interviewees to this information is spot on. Who in their right mind would accept a job as all encompassing as the one described and not expect to get paid and paid quite handsomely at that? NO ONE! No, not even a mother. Why? I'll say this again... slowly.
MOTHERHOOD. IS. NOT. A. JOB.
Yes, sometimes it is tedious. Sometimes it is drudgery and you feel like you are drowning under piles of laundry, dishes, toys and expectations. Sometimes you can't even remember the last time you ate, showered, or pee'd by yourself and/or behind a closed door. Most of the time the little things that you do all day, the things that actually make up your day are thankless tasks that no one notices but you. Even with all of this, it is still not a job.
You are not paid by the hour or have a yearly salary. There is no HR department for you to go complain to about your lack of break time or all the overtime you've been putting in without anyone acknowledging it or all the things that you do that were not in the "job description" (clean poop off of ceiling comes to mind for some reason). And above all, you do not get to go home after a long day "on the job".
This whole idea of motherhood martyrdom or the equally damaging deification of "capital M" mother is getting out of hand. It further pushes the value we place on mothers into a separate realm of unattainable or untouchable (and therefore immeasurable). It is not empowering, nor is it glorifying. All this kind of advertising does is turn motherhood into a commodity. Our lives become a simple thing that someone else can make a profit from simply by pushing some emotional buttons, and letting you know just how damn hard and unrewarding and relentless and all consuming this "job" is.
And in that regard, well done CardStore Ad agency, well done.
Now go and make your mother an effin' card, you ingrate!
(and put a BILLION dollars in it!)
Natasha~
Oh Hi! It's just me... you know, sitting down "on the job"!
The value of MOTHER.
It's started to happen already. The question whispered on people's lips or straight up asked right to my face. Next year both of my children will be in school full-time and some people are wondering...
"What are you going to do then?"
"What is your plan?"
This full-time school thing is a time of transition for everyone in the family. It is a time of letting go, of lunches packed with love, of good-bye kisses on cheeks, and wishes of having a good day, one that, for the first time, is going to be primarily without each other. I won't deny that it is a time that I am simultaneously dreading and dreaming of; dreading because I won't be the central person safeguarding my babies throughout their days anymore, and dreaming of because it has been seven years since I've had more than 3-4 hours all to myself on a regular basis to do whatever the hell I want!
And I get it. I get why the questions are asked of many, many mothers, who like me, are in stay-at-home roles. The kids are good now, right? They don't need you as much. They can DO all the things for themselves now and for 6-7 hours of the day they will be in the care of other people and learning about their worlds.
The problem I am having with this "the kids don't need me anymore" logic, is that it feels like some kind of default assumption that, as a mother, what I have been doing for the past 7 years is nothing more than providing childcare for my children. That while it is true that I have given them all the basics to function on their own and they truly do not need me for said basics anymore (bum wipes, snotty noses, help with eating, zipping up jackets, etc...), I can now be relieved of my childcare duties. Now that they are school-aged, I can send them off for someone else to watch over for the day and then I can finally get back to being a regular, contributing member of society. You know, one with a 'real' job, and a purpose, and some kind of economic -and therefore societal- VALUE.
In her 2001 bestseller, The Price of Motherhood, Anne Crittenden discusses this concept in depth and shows us that although women may be liberated and on the path to economic equality, mothers are decidedly not.
"The idea that time spent with one's child is time wasted is embedded in traditional economic thinking. People who are not formally employed may create human capital, but they themselves are said to suffer a deterioration of the stuff, as if they were so many pieces of equipment left out to rust."
Don't get me wrong. Motherhood is not all sunshine and beautiful moments and crafting until your fingers bleed, but it is MUCH more than glorified babysitting. It is a long-term commitment to building human character and developing the beings who will be the future of our world. It is about maintaining a healthy sense of attachment with our children so that they can confidently venture out into the world on their own and be caring human beings. Yet for reasons we still can't fully understand or correct, there is no dollar value that society can attach to this 'human capital' development and therefore no value in the people, primarily mothers, doing this work.
I am no fool. I know that if I decided to try to go back to work full-time, it would be a challenge for me from the get go. I'd have to explain my 8 year absence from the workforce. I'd have to somehow bump up my resume with my volunteer work , my writing and the various new skills acquired as a stay-at-home parent (and there are plenty!). Then I would somehow have to make the math add up, fitting an 8 hour work day into a 6 hour school day. This of course leads me to the search for before/after school childcare and the cost of this for two children, which, upon a quick perusal of various programs, would be a minimum of about $800/month. In the few hours between school and bedtime and interspersed with any extra-curricular activities, is where time spent with the children occurs and then after bedtime is when household care occurs. Yeesh! I am exhausted just thinking about this!
Yes, I know that for a lot of families, the choice to work or not is not one that they can make and the scenario above is their reality. I am fully aware of the level of privilege that I have in my life. Single or married, many, many people figure this all out and make it work for their families, and for that they have my utmost respect and admiration. I grew up with a single working mother and three younger siblings and she did make it work. How exactly she did this, I still don't know, but growing up, I was always in awe of her strength and character and how much she sacrificed for us and for the people and institutions that she worked for. Yet as I got older and then had children myself, I wondered just how much of her own self and happiness she sacrificed for us.
In that first year of parenting, the reality of what me going back to work would mean to our family didn't quite hit my husband and I until a few months before the end of that year. That in two months time we would be handing our infant son over to a child-care worker to care for him for most of the day, all of a sudden didn't sit quite so well with either of us. That I would have to stop breastfeeding him on demand and either pump or switch to formula for his nutritional needs wasn't something I was prepared to do. And that the logistics of my job would require me to be away for upwards of 3 days to a week's time at least quarterly and the implications of what this would mean for all of us seemed too daunting. When I found out I was pregnant again around the same time I was to return to work, the decision for me to be the stay at home parent seemed to be the option we were most comfortable with and the one that worked the best for our family. So at the age of 36, and at a point of really starting to climb the proverbial corporate ladder of my career, to use the vernacular of the day, I "opted out".
It is a decision that I do not regret in the least. And of note, it is also a world that I have no desire to "lean {back} in" to either.
Recently I have had two close friends, who are in the same stay-at-home parental boat as me, tell me that they are going back to work later this year. They both have a multitude of reasons for doing so and I completely support these women and understand their reasons for making this decision for themselves and their families.
All except one.
Both have told me that going back to work will allow them to feel like they can finally DO THINGS for themselves without feeling guilty about it.
Here is the thing. I love both of these ladies and have seen them raise their children first hand for the past four years. Like most mothers I know, these are extremely dedicated women, who take care of house, home, children and spouses and all the logistics that go along with that. They have taken on the roles of economist and financial planner for their families, of early childhood educator, of artist/designer/house project manager, of cook/cleaner/chauffeur and mediator of family relations and the list goes on and on. If there were ever two people who deserved to do things for themselves, these two are IT (and yes, they are both probably reading this). They left their careers to be the primary at home caregiver for their families. A 40-hour work week traded in for one that is 24/7, that comes with no pay, no sick days, no health benefits and NO WEEKENDS OFF. Some will argue, "Well, that was their choice, so suck it up ladies!", but that argument falls apart when you take a closer look at the ridiculous expectations and societal parameters that are placed on mothers.
When you have a society that is constantly giving you the mixed messages that what you do as a mother is "the most important job on the planet" and glorifies you to semi-deity status and then simultaneously punishes you economically for leaving the workforce and shames you into sacrificing your very being to the glory that is Mother, it is no surprise that women feel a sense of guilt for wanting something that is just for them. That so many women echo the sentiments of losing themselves in motherhood and not feeling fulfilled in this role, despite all the wonderful praise capital "M" Motherhood elicits, is further testament to how undervalued a role it is, even by those fully entrenched in it. After all of this, the message that does get through is not "you are worth it", it is more often "you didn't earn it"," you don't deserve it", "IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU" and the ever popular "What exactly do you DO all day?".
I fully support all mothers, in all of their choices, and especially my dear friends on their decision to return to the workforce. I am actually quite excited for them both. My only wish for them and for any of you reading this is that whatever you choose to do in your life, be it working, staying at home, learning to paint, taking a yoga class, hiring a cleaning service, having a nanny, using a day care, getting a pedicure, going for a run or taking an hour long shower BY YOURSELF, that you make these choices with your agency intact and with full knowledge that you are worth it, that you should not feel guilty for wanting something just for you and that your work as Mother is not all of WHO YOU ARE. And even if, for a few years, it sorta-kinda is, please know that your work more than entitles you to being your own person, with her own needs and wants and that you can and should take care of yourself, however that may be. Do it for yourself and do it for your children as well. Let them see the value that you place on yourself, and let them take that message of self-care with them into the world that will one day be theirs.
In case anyone is still wondering what my plan is for next year, I plan on continuing to ensure the attachment and belonging that my children are growing up knowing with me as their mother. My "thing" is my writing and perhaps next year is the year of the great novel/screenplay/manifesto. I may even delve into some painting while I'm at it. Throughout it all though, please know that I support you in your choices, even though they may be different than mine, and that we all are deserving of doing the things that feed our souls.
{Psst.... I'll probably be getting a pedicure and a massage on a regular basis too.}
Take CARE of YOU,
natasha~
first instincts
As you may or may not know, my first foray into motherhood was not a smooth road. It was more like the Dakar Rally to be honest. At twenty-six weeks pregnant I was diagnosed with gestational hypertension and immediately admitted to hospital. And what followed for the next nine weeks was an uphill battle to grow a healthy baby, while flat on my back. Did I mention that we were building a house at the same time too? Yeah, this time in our lives was quite the opposite of stress-free and relaxed.
At our 35 week ultrasound we heard the words we had been preparing for, "It is time." Our baby was the size of a 30-week fetus and my body just wasn't giving him enough sustenance anymore and he needed to be delivered. On the evening of December 11, 2006, after a surprisingly fast induction, our tiny, fuzzy, 3 lb, 13 oz, skinny little baby, quite literally flopped his way into the world and onto the delivery room bed. I gave him one kiss and he disappeared with his father and a brigade of nurses and residents into the bowels of the NICU.
Our days and nights blurred and became about life in the neanatal intensive care unit. Wires, tubes, beeps, blips and alarms, blue lights, an emergency transfer to another hospital to see a specialist and back again the next day. I honestly can't remember much of those first few weeks of my child's life. I spent about 18 hours a day at the hospital and Christmas 2006 didn't really happen that year. I had one focus, and one focus alone; feed my baby, help him grow and bring him home.
I was a tired, stressed, on edge, first-time mother, with a tiny baby, who needed so much of me and from me and once we got him home, this did not change. He needed to be held constantly (or I needed to hold him constantly) and fed almost every hour. I did not sleep, I am sure I forgot to eat most days and I spent countless nights with tears streaming down my face and onto my sore nipples every time I got up and moved to another room to feed him, so as not to wake my husband.
I have the pictures from this time in our lives and in most of them I am smiling, but for the life of me, right at this moment, I can't remember half of what happened in those first 4-5 months. I know that at least once a day I would be breastfeeding him in our chair and then wake up 20 to 30 minutes later, with a kink in my neck, not able to remember falling asleep or knowing how long we had been there and thankful that I hadn't dropped the baby.
I was obsessed with my little preemie's weight and became a regular weekly fixture at the public health clinic. I charted his pees and poops and I timed how long he fed on each breast and the intervals between feedings. I scheduled his naps like a drill sergeant and I had a three ring binder to house all my colour-coded charts. My poor baby was slowly becoming a set of numbers that somehow I had to make sure all added up.
And then, probably around the same time that I was about to lose my mind and a friend suggested I attend a La Leche League meeting, something clicked. I realized that I was reading too many books and blogs and forums about how to do this mothering thing. I was listening to the advice and good intentions of everyone around me and I had not even considered listening to myself or to my child.
I threw away all the charts and the ugly binder. I got rid of the timers and gadgets to remind me which breast was up next and I let go of trying to control every aspect of our new life. I came to realize that doing so just meant that I ended up frustrated and depressed that I couldn't actually control any of it.
I looked at my baby and not the charts that I had assumed he had to measure up to. I listened to him. I fed him when he wanted to be fed. More often than not, in bed, lying down with him. We slept together. Better than we both had in MONTHS. I wore him in our favourite sling and we found our comfort zone with nursing in public. We started to go out more, made new friends and I continued to let go of my need to control and schedule every moment of his life.
I started to worry less and relaxed into motherhood more and a natural rhythm to our days and nights started to emerge. I admit that sleep was still our most difficult hurdle. My husband wanted our baby to sleep in his own room and my son wanted none of that! I believe that had we not pushed back on this so much and just let him continue to sleep with us (as we ended up doing most nights anyhow), we might have avoided all the nights of trying all the different no-cry-gentle-shushing-sleeping-on-the-floor-sleep solutions and whatever other tactics suggested in the sleep-book-du-jour we happened to be reading. Yet despite this, I finally felt like I was doing motherhood the way I was meant to.
Why all this reminiscing about early motherhood you ask?
I wrote this with a friend in mind. I think she may be struggling a bit with being a new mom and trying to figure it all out and get it right. The sleep, the breastfeeding, all the other stuff that still needs doing, all of it is overwhelming. I want to remind her, and all new mamas, that motherhood is in us. It is written in our mitochondrial DNA from our grandmothers, grandmothers, grandmothers and we just need to trust in our nature, our instincts, to access it.
Think of a mama cat who has her first litter of kittens. She has never done this before, but she makes a nest, she births her babies all by herself, she licks them out of their caul, chews off the umbilical cords, starts nursing the first one even before the next one is delivered and will eventually eat the afterbirth and placenta. No one taught her to do these things and she didn't read "What to Expect when you are Expecting a Litter of Kittens." She is following her instincts and doing what in in her nature to do and what her babies need her to do.
Perhaps, for some, the charts and the books and the schedules help to make the transition to motherhood easier. It makes sense to want an Operations Manual or Policy and Procedures binder for a new job, and in this regard, there is no lack of written material out there to read and use as our manuals for motherhood.
I would like to propose that we look deeper within ourselves for our own motherhood manual. It is there, just waiting to be accessed. And what I have learned is that the best way to access it, is to throw away all the other books, focus on your baby and listen to what your heart, your body and your mind are telling you do to.
If your child is crying and "the book" says don't pick him/her up, but your gut is twisting up with anxiety and the cries are like knives in your brain... LISTEN TO YOUR GUT and hold your child!
If you know what your baby does when he/she is hungry, but "the book" says to wait 3 hours between feedings to get a good schedule going... throw away that book, watch for these hunger cues and FEED YOUR BABY!
If you know that the only way your baby is going to sleep is safe and warm in your arms and against your chest and beating heart... then establish a safe place to co-sleep and SLEEP WITH YOUR CHILD! ( I am almost certain that you will get more sleep too!)
Trust your instincts mamas. They are there for a reason. And as it was for our grandmothers, grandmothers grandmothers, it is and always will be about survival. These days it may not be a saber-toothed tiger that is the main threat, but the constant bombardment of images and information about 'how to be the good mother" can be just as devastating to us!
Take a deep breath and relax.
You got this one, Mama!
[youtube]http://youtu.be/Vw4KVoEVcr0[/youtube]
natasha~
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I took a teeny little hiatus from the Summer Blog Challenge these past few days. I am sorry, but life trumps blogging and really, if I have no life, I have nothing to write about, so it is actually a win-win for everyone!
Be sure to check out the other fine #summerblogchallenge writers who have no lives... JUST kidding! Liam, Zita, MagzD, Peter, Christine, Cliff, Hethr, April, Karen, and Kim all have wonderful lives that you can go read all about on their blogs!
On motherhood: the ultimate vulnerability.
I had coffee with a friend the other day. A pregnant friend who is in that "second-trimester, starting to feel uncomfortable in her own changing body, slightly grumpy about the restrictions it is placing on her" friend. We are relatively new friends (and yes, we did "meet" via social media), but our stories are quite similar. She could be me seven years ago. A woman in her mid-30's with a burgeoning career, life experiences and accomplishments that she is proud of and someone who is pretty sure of who she is in this world.
And she is afraid.
Afraid of what becoming a mother means.
Afraid of losing herself to this new role in her life.
Afraid of following in the footsteps of the mothers in her life, who became wholly consumed by motherhood and whom she feels lost all of who they were before then.
So I told her what motherhood did for me as a woman.
I told her that becoming a mother has taught me more about being a woman and has opened me up more to the world around me than any other life experience I have ever had.
And then she looked at me with the wide-eyed look of someone whose fears had just been confirmed!
So for my friend, and for everyone else who may have these fears about motherhood and losing themselves in it, I felt the need to explore this more. This is what I have come up with...
~~~~~~~~~~
You can read every "what to expect" pregnancy and new baby book on the library shelves, watch every TLC show about babies and childbirth, listen to all your friends tell you all their tips and tricks for being a new mom, and it won't matter one bit. The minute you have a child, the moment you open your eyes after that last big push, or you finally hold your baby in your arms after a long adoption wait, or you wake up after your c-section to see your baby sleeping cuddled with your partner in one of those uncomfortable hospital chairs... you have new eyes.
And they see everything differently.
All of a sudden, everything takes on a slightly different tinge, has a more sweeping scope, uses a different filter.
I was not a "natural urban" anything before I had kids. I was Natasha, and all I really had to worry about was me. Yes, I was married and we were (and are) a great team and we were as inseparable then as we are now, but my life really was primarily about me. My career, my promotions, my wants, my needs, my whims...
When we started planning a family, in that plan was me going back to work after six months, a list of recommended daycares and day homes and a career to get back to ASAP. We decided to start "trying" in earnest after a trip to Tanzania in 2005 and we got pregnant within three months. All was going according to the plan.
Half-way through my second trimester, all the shit hit all the fans!! I had dangerously high blood pressure. I was admitted to hospital within an hour of a routine OB appointment and 24 hours later we were having a discussion of "fetal viability" with a neonatologist.
THIS WAS NOT IN THE PLAN PEOPLE!!
We had to make some big decisions. I had to take a medical leave from work immediately and was kept in hospital for two weeks. After I was finally allowed to go home, our life became about daily Non-Stress Tests (which is a really ironic name for them by the way!), weekly ultrasounds, perinatologist appointments and ultimately full bed-rest. We lived each week holding our breath until after the ultrasound to hear whether or not our baby would have to be delivered then or if he would get another week to grow and develop in utero.
Maybe it was because my "vision" changed earlier than some. Maybe it was because I "saw" my baby every week from 26 weeks until 3 days before his birth through the lens of the ultrasound wand. Maybe because I had to read different kinds of "what to expect" books (ie, what to expect in the NICU, how to care for a premature baby, what long term complications we might encounter, etc...). Whatever the case, from that first moment of panic, nothing in my life was about ME anymore.
And here is the plain truth of it all.
Yes, motherhood is an all-encompassing endeavour and yes, one does become consumed by it, but in my opinion, that is more biology than it is sociology. A human child needs its mother to survive. She provides it with warmth, love, nourishment, protection. Our bodies and the systems within them, adjust to the post-natal state and function perfectly to do all of this. A mother and child will breath in sync while sleeping together, a baby will imprint on the mother's scent and will be primarily soothed by her nearness. The hormones released by both mother and child during breastfeeding, not only serve to perpetuate this amazing feedback loop of supply and demand, they also provide both with a sense of calm and an endorphin rush of happy. In essence the mother and child are really just two parts of one beautiful and biological machine of great complexity. It does no one any good, especially mothers, to fight that part of our nature.
I did not and I do not see this initial all-consuming part of motherhood as a surrendering of one's self. I see it more as an opportunity to explore a deeper part of one's self that has not been readily evident before. Motherhood teaches us the true inventory of our bodies, our minds and our souls. Motherhood made me look very closely at every aspect of my life. From the obvious ones, like getting the safest car seat and making sure I knew how to install it properly and using non-VOC paint when decorating his room, to farther reaching environmental issues like choosing to cloth diaper and researching every product that touched his tiny little body. I was relentless in all of this and I spent hours on parenting forums (remember those days?). I was a sponge for all things mothering. I wanted to be GOOD at this. Really, really, good!
What I discovered through all of this was that in order to be 'good' at it, I had to let go. Let go of plans, of schedules, of ridiculous expectations (both mine and those of others), of doing things a certain way without exception. This was hard for me. I am a creature of habit and I like a certain amount of order in my life. Having children has taught me that sometimes a nap is just as important, if not more so, than a shower some days. It has taught me that what I say and do with my children and to my children is going to have a lasting impact on them and therefore on this world. It has made me so much more aware of global reproductive rights and how much work there is to be done right here in our own back yards, let alone across the globe. It has made me painfully aware of all of the misinformation that exists in our world with regards to both breastfeeding and formula feeding. Motherhood opened me up to the most amazing parenting practice ever - babywearing. And through babywearing, motherhood made me an entrepreneur. Motherhood made me an advocate for women and in turn a voice for many... and yes, it made me an ACTIVIST and a FEMINIST too.
Some would look at my life and say that I have indeed surrendered my former self to motherhood. I mean, look at me, I am a stay-at-home mom, I drive a micro-van, I arrange play-dates and go to yoga while my kids are in school. AND I did some of those "extreme" parenting things too, like extended breastfeeding, elimination communication and co-sleeping. Oh, and I have a blog too! They might as well slap a MOMMY sticker right on my forehead and move on to the next person in line to ask what they "do" for a living. It's got the be way more interesting that motherhood, right?
To these people, I would say look closer. Motherhood has opened my eyes to a world far beyond my front door. Seriously people, giving birth (without drugs to boot!) is an experience that tests you both mentally and physically, and I passed that test. TWICE. There is nothing I can't do now! The world has opened up to me, and not just because of the internet (although it has helped immensely), but because I have let so much more of it in! My children are going to inherit this world after me and I will do my part, however small it may be, to ensure that not only is it a better one for them, but that they in turn will see my example and want to make it an even better world for their children.
You know that iceberg picture that everyone shows at every presentation you have ever been too? (Go here to see the one I am talking about). I think of that image when I reflect on my life. I was the tip of the iceberg before I was a mother. Like my pregnant friend, I had a full life, I had adventures, I had a career, I was proud of what I had accomplished and felt I was a valuable, contributing member of society. Motherhood didn't make me forget about all that, nor do I think that it consumed me. Motherhood just opened up my life to boundless possibilities and to the depths of my mind and my soul that existed below the surface. It has made me grow and has pushed me and made me take risks and venture far out of my confort zone way more than anything else in my life. Motherhood has made me accept my vulnerabilities as a human being and see them not as a weakness of character, but as a path to create more goodness, more beauty and more LOVE in my world.
In a nutshell (and 1700 words later-Ha!), motherhood was the beginning of my legacy. I have actually birthed three babies that will live on after me and carry a part of me with them always and forever. My son with his thirst for knowledge and attention to detail, my daughter with her quirky sense of humour and love of all living things, and finally my writing. My story... their story...
My evolution as a mother
and as a woman.
Both sides of the same coin.
And as I have learned, it serves no one to fear or resist either one!
natasha~
this side of pro-choice
***Trigger warning: The following post covers the topic of abortion.
Please be aware of this while reading and sharing.***
** It also comes with some book spoilers too.**
I am part of a book club. Really, who isn't these days?
We are a bunch of women from all walks of life that meet once every 6-8 weeks and drink wine and eat chocolate and cheese and yes, we even discuss books!
This past week was Book Club Week and I was especially looking forward to it, because, 1) I really needed a night out and said wine and chocolate and 2) I actually finished this month's book choice a whole week ahead of time.
The book was Caitlin Moran's half autobiography, half feminist manifesto, "How to be a Woman". And if you haven't read it already, then I highly recommend you get yourself in the queue for the e-book from your local library ASAP! (See what I did there? Talking like a Brit. QUEUE!)
I am not going to lie, I really LOVED this book. It has already inspired this post a few weeks ago and after the many discussions had at book club last week, I can't help but write even more.
Once we had all settled in with our wine and chocolate and a hand-full of mini Licorice Allsorts (SCORE!!), it was time to get the formal discussion part of the night underway. I wasn't surprised that the first question, "Do you consider yourself a feminist?", caused some in the room to hesitate with an answer. I think the definition of feminism (we had the 39-page Wikipedia print out) has undergone so many waves and permutations that most women are confused by its meaning and as such find it hard identifying with it as part of who they are. This was a good a place as any to get the discussion going and go it did!
And while the topic of feminism and it's definition generated a lot of good idea sharing and clarification for some, the one chapter that got the most air time and perhaps evoked the most emotion in all of us, was Caitlin's very candid, brutally honest chapter on abortion.
I had to read this chapter twice to really absorb it and to understand what she was trying to say in it. It is a touchy subject, no matter how you frame it and Caitlin forced me to reexamine my views on the subject from all angles. All I could think of afterwards was how much respect I had for this woman. Caitlin writes that in the few minutes after she learns of the pregnancy, the minutes that pass in which she imagines this baby, this boy's whole life, she says:
"I can't have you," I tell him sadly. "The world will fall in if I have you."
She goes on to describe her abortion in detail and also how easy this decision was for her to make. Some in my group saw this as narcissistic and selfish, and I would suspect they thought it very unmotherly of her. Everyone around the room claimed to be pro-choice, but a lot of them had a very hard time with the way that she described her unborn child, the abortion itself, and the speed with which Caitlin made her choice to have one.
But I got it.
And when I was reading this chapter all I could think about was two years ago, when B and I were discussing whether or not to have another child (also known as me insisting that I "had a feeling that I wasn't done" and him telling me that he didn't have it in him again), HE got it too. Way before I did.
..........
I believe that as mothers, we are programmed (and to varying extents, expected) to give and give and give. We have a child and all of a sudden the weight of the world is literally on our shoulders and God forbid you have an unmotherly thought in your mind or do something that does not fully acknowledge you as the self-sacrificing martyr that you somehow have now become. Sometimes we lose sight of how much of ourselves we are constantly giving. That for some it gets to the point that we are no longer happy, no longer fulfilled, feeling resentment, suffering in silence from anxiety and depression and just going through the motions of our lives. Why do we do this to ourselves? There is no prize for who sacrificed the most, who is the most giving, who loses themselves the most in this gig.
So why on earth would we ever tell a woman that all zygotes conceived must be born, or that she should not have that choice, especially if it indeed does mean that her world will fall in?
One of the mamas in our club said that the reason she wanted to have three children was because she wanted that sense of happy chaos in her family and not just the easiness of two kids. I understood what she meant, but her comments gave me pause and got me thinking more about this.
Who decides what level of chaos is "happy" for any family?
For some that may be three children, for others it is one child, for others still it may be 5 or 6, or if you are the Duggars it is 20+. Whatever your number is, what is important is that YOU know what that threshold is, that you know your capacity for love, for giving, for, as Caitlin so aptly puts it, "...being life support to someone who weeps for me and rages against me..." Because when it comes down to it, no matter how much we are told that it is, that capacity is NOT without its limits and without sacrificing something in return.
I left this chapter with a new understanding of what pro-choice means to me. It is not just about choosing to have an abortion or not, it is about choosing a life that is versus a life that may be. I have a deep respect for Caitlin and all other women like her, who are strong enough to make a choice that says, "THIS. This is all the family that I WANT, all that I NEED and I simply can not do more than this." Her words and her story and her ease with which she made her decision, a decision based on her threshold for keeping her world together, keeping herself whole and sane, and made with no guilt or shame, made it very clear to me that so many of our choices in life (and especially in motherhood) are not made like that.
Last week Annie at Phd in Parenting took a closer look at the issue of choice and why it is seen as stalling feminism these days. The one line in her post that struck me the most was when she said,
"Shame is a barrier to social change, in feminism and in many other spaces."
And this is what was bothering me that night at book club. I was in the minority in my feelings about Caitlin's chapter and opinions on abortion and I couldn't understand why. Then I read Annie's post and it hit me, the other women in the room did not feel that Caitlin showed enough shame or guilt about her decision. That she was too flippant about it. That is was callous of her to describe this child and imagine his life, knowing full well that he was never to be born. The problem was that everyone was thinking about the potential child in this situation and not the ACTUAL WOMAN LIVING HER LIFE RIGHT NOW, who showed no shame in her decision and made it with a certainty that made a lot of people uncomfortable.
And then, two more very important questions and issues arose for me that night that I am realizing are quite complex and quite possibly rooted in some deep, deep patriarchy.
Why do we always question (and judge) the motives of a woman's decisions when it comes to her body and those she brings forth from it?
AND
Why are decisions made out of love (and knowledge) of ourselves as women and mothers almost always seen as inherently selfish?
I would love to hear what you have to say on this.
Natasha~
this side of pro-choice
***Trigger warning: The following post covers the topic of abortion.
Please be aware of this while reading and sharing.***
** It also comes with some book spoilers too.**
I am part of a book club. Really, who isn't these days?
We are a bunch of women from all walks of life that meet once every 6-8 weeks and drink wine and eat chocolate and cheese and yes, we even discuss books!
This past week was Book Club Week and I was especially looking forward to it, because, 1) I really needed a night out and said wine and chocolate and 2) I actually finished this month's book choice a whole week ahead of time.
The book was Caitlin Moran's half autobiography, half feminist manifesto, "How to be a Woman". And if you haven't read it already, then I highly recommend you get yourself in the queue for the e-book from your local library ASAP! (See what I did there? Talking like a Brit. QUEUE!)
I am not going to lie, I really LOVED this book. It has already inspired this post a few weeks ago and after the many discussions had at book club last week, I can't help but write even more.
Once we had all settled in with our wine and chocolate and a hand-full of mini Licorice Allsorts (SCORE!!), it was time to get the formal discussion part of the night underway. I wasn't surprised that the first question, "Do you consider yourself a feminist?", caused some in the room to hesitate with an answer. I think the definition of feminism (we had the 39-page Wikipedia print out) has undergone so many waves and permutations that most women are confused by its meaning and as such find it hard identifying with it as part of who they are. This was a good a place as any to get the discussion going and go it did!
And while the topic of feminism and it's definition generated a lot of good idea sharing and clarification for some, the one chapter that got the most air time and perhaps evoked the most emotion in all of us, was Caitlin's very candid, brutally honest chapter on abortion.
I had to read this chapter twice to really absorb it and to understand what she was trying to say in it. It is a touchy subject, no matter how you frame it and Caitlin forced me to reexamine my views on the subject from all angles. All I could think of afterwards was how much respect I had for this woman. Caitlin writes that in the few minutes after she learns of the pregnancy, the minutes that pass in which she imagines this baby, this boy's whole life, she says:
"I can't have you," I tell him sadly. "The world will fall in if I have you."
She goes on to describe her abortion in detail and also how easy this decision was for her to make. Some in my group saw this as narcissistic and selfish, and I would suspect they thought it very unmotherly of her. Everyone around the room claimed to be pro-choice, but a lot of them had a very hard time with the way that she described her unborn child, the abortion itself, and the speed with which Caitlin made her choice to have one.
But I got it.
And when I was reading this chapter all I could think about was two years ago, when B and I were discussing whether or not to have another child (also known as me insisting that I "had a feeling that I wasn't done" and him telling me that he didn't have it in him again), HE got it too. Way before I did.
..........
I believe that as mothers, we are programmed (and to varying extents, expected) to give and give and give. We have a child and all of a sudden the weight of the world is literally on our shoulders and God forbid you have an unmotherly thought in your mind or do something that does not fully acknowledge you as the self-sacrificing martyr that you somehow have now become. Sometimes we lose sight of how much of ourselves we are constantly giving. That for some it gets to the point that we are no longer happy, no longer fulfilled, feeling resentment, suffering in silence from anxiety and depression and just going through the motions of our lives. Why do we do this to ourselves? There is no prize for who sacrificed the most, who is the most giving, who loses themselves the most in this gig.
So why on earth would we ever tell a woman that all zygotes conceived must be born, or that she should not have that choice, especially if it indeed does mean that her world will fall in?
One of the mamas in our club said that the reason she wanted to have three children was because she wanted that sense of happy chaos in her family and not just the easiness of two kids. I understood what she meant, but her comments gave me pause and got me thinking more about this.
Who decides what level of chaos is "happy" for any family?
For some that may be three children, for others it is one child, for others still it may be 5 or 6, or if you are the Duggars it is 20+. Whatever your number is, what is important is that YOU know what that threshold is, that you know your capacity for love, for giving, for, as Caitlin so aptly puts it, "...being life support to someone who weeps for me and rages against me..." Because when it comes down to it, no matter how much we are told that it is, that capacity is NOT without its limits and without sacrificing something in return.
I left this chapter with a new understanding of what pro-choice means to me. It is not just about choosing to have an abortion or not, it is about choosing a life that is versus a life that may be. I have a deep respect for Caitlin and all other women like her, who are strong enough to make a choice that says, "THIS. This is all the family that I WANT, all that I NEED and I simply can not do more than this." Her words and her story and her ease with which she made her decision, a decision based on her threshold for keeping her world together, keeping herself whole and sane, and made with no guilt or shame, made it very clear to me that so many of our choices in life (and especially in motherhood) are not made like that.
Last week Annie at Phd in Parenting took a closer look at the issue of choice and why it is seen as stalling feminism these days. The one line in her post that struck me the most was when she said,
"Shame is a barrier to social change, in feminism and in many other spaces."
And this is what was bothering me that night at book club. I was in the minority in my feelings about Caitlin's chapter and opinions on abortion and I couldn't understand why. Then I read Annie's post and it hit me, the other women in the room did not feel that Caitlin showed enough shame or guilt about her decision. That she was too flippant about it. That is was callous of her to describe this child and imagine his life, knowing full well that he was never to be born. The problem was that everyone was thinking about the potential child in this situation and not the ACTUAL WOMAN LIVING HER LIFE RIGHT NOW, who showed no shame in her decision and made it with a certainty that made a lot of people uncomfortable.
And then, two more very important questions and issues arose for me that night that I am realizing are quite complex and quite possibly rooted in some deep, deep patriarchy.
Why do we always question (and judge) the motives of a woman's decisions when it comes to her body and those she brings forth from it?
AND
Why are decisions made out of love (and knowledge) of ourselves as women and mothers almost always seen as inherently selfish?
I would love to hear what you have to say on this.
Natasha~
motherhood mountaineering
Why is it that every few months someone gets it in their head to go on a rant against motherhood? It's as if these people forget that they actually have mothers and in most cases are themselves mothers too. This week's target was none other than 'the mommy blogger'. Her crime you ask? Taking feminism a step back because she has discovered a hidden talent for making crafts out of paint swatches or finding the best homemade organic baby food mix for her fussy little eater and subsequently blogging about it.
In her Huffpo piece this past week, Amana Manori of The Purple Fig says that the problem (as she sees it) is this:
"... many of these blogs perpetuate gender stereotypes and generalize female behaviour. Intentionally or unintentionally, many mommy bloggers do one of two things. First, many mommy bloggers may be living very fulfilling and well-rounded lives that you don't get to see through their blogs. However, when all they talk about is such things as making homemade organic-only baby food, they disregard these other aspects of their lives resulting in a partial portrayal of motherhood.
On the flip side, it is true that some mommy bloggers are solely occupied with such tasks as canning baby food yet; their blogs suggest their lives are deeply fulfilling and they wouldn't want to be doing anything else. This type of blog not only perpetuates the false notion that women are only happy to be in the home and would prefer to spend their days fussing over things related to the house; but also, inadvertently isolates other mothers who don't measure up."
To me this sounds like nothing more than another mom feeling some kind of inadequacy in her life and looking for someone else to blame for that. Oh and for page views, she wraps it all up with keywords like anti-feminism. Correct me if I am wrong but anyone who starts a post with the words, "I consider myself a feminist." and then proceeds to condemn other women for their choices, seems to me, decidedly NOT very feminist.
Aside from that though, let's consider her argument for a minute. Is it really so bad to fully immerse oneself into a new position or role? Would we expect anything less from someone in the workforce starting a new job, or managing a new project? Why, oh why, are mothers {and specifically the stay-at-home type} always put into a completely different (undervalued, yet overly judged) category than anyone else, male or female?
Think about it. No other group or subsection of society has so much scrutiny placed on them, so much pressure to NOT SCREW THINGS UP, than mothers. From the moment of conception, everything we eat, everything we do to ourselves is up for comment and general concern. That is a lot of pressure folks! And even if you do manage to DO everything perfectly, eat all the right foods, take all the right vitamins, rest, work out, whatever, none of that is a guarantee that something won't go wrong.
And then you give birth (in whatever way is best for you or you know the most about) to this new little human. And the pressure mounts and life as you have known it, changes forever. Having done this twice, I have this to say to Ms. Manori, YES, everything I was before that moment, the woman I was, Natasha A.B. (ante-baby), flew right out the window.
And then I became MORE.
I became a true citizen of the earth, with newfound cares and thoughts for more than just me and my life and comforts. I will be the first to admit that before I had kids I was selfish. I lived my life for me and my concern for others was not as great. I had the tunnel vision of a lot of DINC (double income no children), upwardly mobile thirty-somethings. Yes, my husband and I were planning for a family, but we had things on our bucket list to check off first and even then, we really did not think that life would be that much different once kids entered the picture. He would take a few weeks off, I would go back to work after six months and life would be peachy keen.
HA!
Having a child is akin to coming out of a very long tunnel under a mountain {pun TOTALLY intended}. One one side of the mountain, you have the hilly (pre-baby) side. Everything is nice and pretty and the trails are relatively easy to manoeuvre around. You can take long leisurely walks and picnic by the stream whenever you want. Then, one day, you decide to try going over to the other side. You get in your car, turn on your lights and enter the tunnel and drive for a while. After a bit, you finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and you come out of it and...
BAM!!!
The terrain has completely changed.
Now you are faced with this jagged, wild, uncharted territory. Their are no easy trails in this side of the mountain, you have to hack through some pretty thick brush and make your own. Sometimes you are going to go the wrong way and end up at the edge of a cliff or up against a wall of rock. Other times you will blaze a new trail to the most amazing waterfall full of rainbows and find treasures you did not know existed. Either way, you learn. You learn what works, what doesn't and what it takes to keep going.
Along the way, you may also learn that you are really, really good at things that previously did not exist in your life {on the other side of the mountain}. For some that may be uncovering their inner craft-onista and getting your grandma's old sewing machine or knitting needles out. For others, like myself, it may be discovering a whole new world of parenting through babywearing and building a community around that. And yes, for some it is even about turning their kitchens into tiny testing grounds for every conceivable mix of pureed organic baby food.
And because we live in an era of online sharing and often find our parenting "villages" or community through our internet connections, some moms like to blog about these new things that they have discovered about themselves and on this new terrain. What Ms. Manori failed to recognize in her post, is that for some of these mommy bloggers, their crafting and puree-ing and babywearing and sharing of these activities through their blogs and social media, leads some of them to be incredible business women, entrepreneurs and leaders in their communities.
I don't have to look far to find the likes of such mommies in my own community. We have an organic-food-pureeing mom to thank for the wonderful, and very successful Baby Gourmet line of products that often satisfy even the fussiest of eaters. Or the ever crafty DIY Mommy, who took her craftiness and creativity to global levels with the creation of Golly Gee Baby, a kids clothing line that is now manufactured with a fair trade cooperative in Nicaragua. This list goes on and on and really, there is no shortage of "mommy bloggers" out there who are making their mark in this world and forging new trails on this side of the mountain.
So, no, I do not think that mommy bloggers are not a step back for feminism. I think they are brave mothers navigating their way across the rough terrain of the Motherhood Mountain Range.
And sometimes they leave breadcrumbs {or blog posts} for those of us following behind to help us on our own journeys across the range too.
The incredible Koolau Mountain Range, Oahu, Hawaii.
Happy Trailblazing,
natasha~
make it stop
**Trigger ALERT**
Please be aware that this post is about things that may or may not trigger deep emotions and reactions in some people, especially those with a history of Post Partum Depression. If you feel that you are not ready to read this post, please don't.
Today I am full of so many emotions, that the only way I seem to be able to cope with any of them is to kind of turn them all off and be numb. And when I do find the strength to deal with my feelings, the one emotion that keeps rising to the top is ANGER!
I AM MAD!
REALLY, REALLY MAD!!
You see... {brace yourself}
I found out today that a girl I once knew, a girl I worked with, a girl whose wedding I attended...
Smothered and killed her four-month old baby boy.
I am sorry, but yes, this tragedy happened yesterday. I don't have all the details. All I know is that a child is dead, another has lost a baby brother and likely a mother too and a husband and father is grieving so much that my heart is breaking into a million pieces for him.
Am I mad at this girl that I once knew?
NO.
No, I really am not. I feel such profound sadness for her that I hardly know what to do.
So who exactly am I mad at?
Well, let's see...
How about MAINSTREAM MEDIA!
This morning when I first saw the cover of the May edition of TIME Magazine, I was a bit angry. Now, I am SPITTING ANGRY! Are you fucking kidding me TIME editors?
"Are you MOM ENOUGH?"
WHY? Why are you asking this question? Why do mothers have to prove themselves? Why do we have to be perfect? Is there a quiz at the end of this gig that I was not aware of? WHO THE FUCK IS KEEPING SCORE?
And why?
Whose ideals are moms supposed to be living up to? Since when do we all have to be the 'yummy mummy'? Or the stay-at-home, make all the perfect snacks and crafts on Pinterest, make sure my kids are all in the right classes, have the right clothes, are in the right diapers, eating the right foods, I-am-going-to-go-insane-if-I-have-to-keep-up-with-this-facade-of-perfection-and-plaster-this-stupid-smile-on-my-face-all-the-time MOMMY!!
Because you know what, this IS exactly what is happening.
Moms are suffering. And a lot of them are doing so in silence. We get told it is normal to feel the 'baby blues', that this is OK and it should pass. We are supposed to be tired, that is what waking up every 2 hours to feed a tiny new person does to you. But what if it is more? What if the blues don't pass? What if you don't feel that immediate connection with your baby? What if you are so far gone into that deep, dark place that you don't even realize the harm you may be doing to yourself and potentially to your child? What if you are one of the 1 in 5 mothers that has post partum depression and really NEEDS HELP?
And yet, you still put on a happy face. You still tell everyone that you are fine. That the baby is fine. You go through the motions and forget the emotions, because they are too much for you. Too much guilt, too much pain, too much stress, too many diapers, too much crying, too much EVERYTHING.
And compounding this is what?
Magazine covers asking you if you are "MOM ENOUGH?"
Book covers telling you that motherhood is undermining your status as a women.
Newspaper articles and blog posts constantly pitting one group of moms against another, fuelling these so-called "mommy wars".
Don't they get it?
Don't they know that there is already a war being fought by so many? Up to 20% of new moms are fighting a war that many are not even fully aware is even happening.
And deep, dark, horrific battles are being lost by the most unfortunate of these brave warriors.
So tonight I am asking everyone...
CAN WE PLEASE STOP FIGHTING WITH EACH OTHER!!
Stop comparing your way to my way.
Stop looking at that other mom and thinking that you should be anything LIKE her or that your child should be anything like hers.
Stop posting 'link bait' on your sites or Facebook to get the page views and comments that inevitably start more battles in this useless war.
Can we please instead....
START to really see each other for what we are.
Start LISTENING to the answers we get when we ask a new mom how she is doing. Is she really 'fine'?
Start LOOKING at each other without the veil of judgement clouding our vision.
Start SHARING our mothering journeys, the good roads and the bad ones, without fear or shame or guilt.
Mamas, if I have learned anything in my journey through motherhood so far, it is this.
While it may indeed take a village to raise a child, it takes a whole TRIBE to raise a MOTHER!
And whether that tribe is an online one or a local moms-group or a family, that tribe can lift her up or they can tear her down. With their words, their comments, their actions and yes, even their inactions.
I choose tonight to be part of the TRIBE that lifts mothers up.
I choose to LISTEN, to SUPPORT, and to SEE mothers. In all their beautiful glory and yes, in all their not so perfect and glorious times too.
Because, in those not so glorious times...
THAT IS WHEN A MOTHER REALLY NEEDS TO BE SEEN AND HEARD!
So tonight, I don't care about what is on the cover of TIME or who is shocked by it and all the rest of the noise that is cluttering my online spaces.
And I am not mad anymore.
Tonight I am mourning the loss of a little baby boy and the tragedy that surrounds his family.
And I am wondering if his mother had a tribe of her own really listening to her and seeing what was going on, before it was too late.
All I ask is that we do a bit of a better job taking care of each other.
That is what the Tribe of Motherhood is to me.
Love and light to you all,
Natasha~