Attachment Parenting... Not as 'fringe' as you may think.

Kooky. Fringe. Unhealthy. Enslaving. Controversial. These are just a few of the terms I have heard this week to describe Attachment Parenting.

All of this in the wake of Mayim Bialik's new book, "Beyond the Sling: A real life guide to raising confident, loving children the Attachment Parenting way." being released.

Mayim tackles and explores the many aspects of attachment parenting in her book, including babywearing, baby-led weaning, elimination communication and co-sleeping.

I went to Chapter's earlier this week to see if I could get my hands on the book, but they had not received their shipment yet. :(

I am really looking forward to reading this book. I think that Mayim has a lot to offer the parenting world and not just the 'kooky' attachment parenting world. I mean, the woman does have a PhD in neuroscience and did her thesis on the properties of human attachment, outside of her own experiences as a parent, I think this gives her some definite cred in this regard.

What is getting me all hot and bothered about this though is that all the conversations, articles and interviews on this topic are treating these attachment parenting options as some kind of weird and crazy way to parent. Words like DIVISIVE and UNHEALTHY are being bandied around and people seem to be of the opinion that in attachment parenting, we are literally ATTACHED to our kids at all times.

I think what I have decided this week is that I really dislike the terminology being used here. If the attachment parenting style is a fringe style of parenting is the opposite of it, the so-called mainstream style, then DE-tached parenting? If you do not see yourself at an AP parent, would you want this detached moniker be the one that describes you and the way that you parent? I know I sure wouldn't, the implications just seem way too severe. As I believe they are at the other extreme too.

Because seriously mamas, how many of you have NEVER, EVER, slept with your child? If you have, guess what? You were co-sleeping! Anyone ever carry your baby in ANY kind of baby carrier? Baby Bjorn, Snugli, frame backpack, sling? That's right, you were babywearing! How many of you tell me or tell others that your baby decided he just didn't want to nurse anymore at 8 months or 10 months or 14 months? That kind of sounds like baby-led weaning to me, but I am no expert.

Now I completely understand that some things in the attachment parenting continuum may seem extreme to some, but in the grand scheme of things, maybe not so much. The resurgence of cloth diapering and subsequently elimination communication (babies peeing and pooping on a potty with the help of mommy/daddy)  is not just for the 'hippies' anymore. Plenty of "mainstream" mamas are looking at cloth as a better alternative not only for their babies bottoms, but also for the environment. And to be perfectly frank, the leap from cloth diapering to EC is not that big a jump. And trust me, it can be a lot easier to get a 9 month old to sit still on the potty than to convince a kid after three years of pooping in one place to all of a sudden start doing so in another!

Breastfeeding is a whole other beast of a topic on its own, but the more we learn about breast milk and yes, formula too, the more information we have to make the decision that is right for our family and ourselves.

I am in no way telling you that AP is the way to go and that "my" way is the right way here. I mean really, this IS parenting after all and we all have to find a way to do it, enjoy it and yes, even survive it some days! But, what I do want to say is this. Parenting (or heck, LIFE for that matter) cannot be accomplished by trying to fit in a box of someone else's choosing. And parents, mamas especially, you really shouldn't live your lives being defined by how you do or do not do things or feel ashamed of any of your choices.

I mean if Beyonce can babywear and breastfeed Baby Blue (in public no less) and one of the queens of the blogosphere, the wonderful Pioneer Woman herself, is a homeschooler, the principles of attachment parenting can't really be all that 'fringe'. Can they?

Don't be the mama whose "secret" weapon to getting her kid to sleep is actually co-sleeping. Just do what you have to do. So what if you have a baby who needs to be held constantly? Find a good comfortable baby carrier and carry and hold your baby and do what you need to do to keep both of you happy (and NO, you will not spoil your baby). So you want to try out cloth diapering but still use disposable diapers some of the time, go right ahead! There is no need to feel ashamed of your choices and there is no need to EXPLAIN any of them to anyone.

A smile and a 'thank you for your opinion', a la Mayim will suffice and then you can go on your merry parenting way.

The best way that you see fit for you and your family!

Much Mama Love to all of you,

Natasha~

P.S. I promise a full review of Mayim's book, "Beyond the Sling", as soon as I get my kookie AP hands on it!

a few of my "least" favourite things

A few things have me all riled up today. ~ When I am really, really wrong. Like having no problem swearing in front of my kids, saying that I don't care if they swear as long as it is in context and then having them swear totally IN CONTEXTand realizing that I was WAY OFF BASE with this one. (Oops!)

~ Bad editing. Whether it be in a movie, a TV Show (Hello Once Upon a Time, I am talking to you), or a blog post. Especially a blog post. Spell Check people, know it, use it, love it! And please read and re-read your posts before you hit publish.

~ People trying to pass off someone else's work, research or pictures as their own. Show some respect and give credit where it is due. (PS. Not only is this not very nice, it is often illegal!

~ Laundry. (Not so much riled up about it, I just really don't like it and have about 5 loads that need folding right now.)

~ Oh yeah. And THIS.

The "Mommy Wars", "Judge-y McJudgertons", "Complainiacs", SAHM, WAHM, WOHM, "Walk a mile in my shoes", "You are so lucky, no YOU are so lucky" conversations, status updates, posts, and general going on and on and on, etc, etc, etc....

PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!

Rodney King said it best. "Can't we all just get along?"

Or as my mother has always said (and I am sure EVERYONE else's mother too), "If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all."

Oh wait, maybe I shouldn't say any of this....none of it is very nice.

SHIT....

um, crap....

I mean son of a ...

Oh poop, I am in trouble!

Also, I saw this video on a friend's Facebook feed today. (See how I did that.... giving credit to where I found something? Even if I didn't name my friend because I am not sure if she would want me too.)

Any who....

I really liked it, and I thought you might too.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eR7-AUmiNcA[/youtube]

OK.

Enough of that...

...back to happy things.

Natasha~

P.S. If you ever find a spelling error in my posts, please let me know so I can correct it! Thanks. ;)

village people

My children and I are "regulars" at our own mommy and toddler version of Cheers. Yup, it is true.

We go to a place where everybody knows our names, they're always glad we came, and very often the people and our troubles are all the same.

They have even named a drink after me! (And I may have been sitting there, without kids, drinking one while I wrote this!)

I am of course speaking of our local cafe and play place, the wonderful Cafe O'Play.

This parent's dream of a cafe was the first of its kind in our fair city and it is a very busy, bustling and yes, often chaotic place to be. There are kids ranging from 0-5 years of age running around, playing, eating, sometimes crying, and otherwise behaving as kids of that age often do. And their parents all sit and sip yummy lattes and watch them play (or play themselves on their various mobile devices)!

With that many kids around there are bound to be some tussles, there will be hitting and/or pushing, play car crashes will occur and someone will fight over a toy. Really, it is all to be expected if you ask me (if you need some insight into toddler behaviour, check out my guest post over at PhD in Parenting).

But I have a beef. Not with Cafe O'Play, nor any of their great staff.

Nor is it with all the crazy, cute and chaos-inducing kids running around.

I have a beef with the parents.

Let me explain.

When we go to the cafe, we go in and get settled at a table. I then do a 30 second assessment of who is there. I check out the kids and try to match them up with their parents. If my kids start playing with or around another kid or group of kids, I try to make eye contact with their parents, so that we all know who is with who.

For the most part the layout of the cafe is great. The play area is in the middle and the tables and chairs surround it. You can see most of the action from just about any seat in the house. But there are a few blind spots, and kids go in and out of the play structures and you may not be able to see them 100% of the time.

Yesterday, about 5 minutes before we were about to leave, I heard my 3-year-old screaming. I could not immediately see her (she was behind one of the play structures), but I knew it was more than just a "someone hurt my feelings' cry, this was an "I am HURT" cry. And as I got up to go get her, I took a look around and saw a room full of blank stares. Everyone could HEAR her and some parents were very close to her, yet, no one DID anything.

When I finally got her calmed down enough to tell me what happened and also found her brother for corroborating evidence, I found out that another child had pushed her off the top of the stairs going on to one of the play structures.

And here is the crux of my beef...

Did not at least ONE of the parents on that side of the cafe see this happen?

Quite possible they did not, but when L started screaming and crying AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS, you would think that someone would pay attention, perhaps see what the problem was and oh, I don't know, check to see if she was OK??!!

Have we become so far removed from the 'it takes a village' mentality that we can not even make the effort to say or do something when a child is hurt or crying?

I don't know.

Maybe it is just me.

Motherhood changed me. A LOT.

Sometimes I feel like it made me a universal mother of sorts.

I don't mean that to sound all high and mighty.

What I mean is this.

If I see a kid about to do something dangerous or stupid and there is no other responsible adult around to stop them, I WILL.

If I see a kid about to hurt, hit, push or otherwise do something to another child (especially mine) and I am within reaching or reacting distance, I will remove one or the other from said situation.

If I see a dad with two older kids and a set of infant twins waiting to get a table at the cafe and trying to wrangle all of them and their winter gear together when they finally get called to go in, I will walk over and offer to help carry a kid, a car seat or a handful of coats and boots in for him.

If I see a mama struggling with her toddler while also trying to calm a crying newborn, I will offer to take the baby for a few minutes.

If I see a child stuck in a play car, about to fall off a play structure, who has slipped and fallen on the floor, or whatever else may happen RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, I will check to see if he or she is OK and look around to make sure mommy or daddy is coming over or take said kid over to them.

I will say something to an older child if I feel that he or she is consistently breaking the "house rules" and no one else seems to want to intervene.

Some may think this makes me a busy body.

Some may think that I should never say things, especially disciplinary type things to children that are not my own.

I just don't agree.

I believe that it does take a village to raise our children. At a large play date or at our beloved Cafe I think this concept applies even more.

Why?

Because quite often we are outnumbered!

There are always more kids than adults and although the effort is made to keep an eye on them while they play and wreak havoc have fun, another parent's eyes and ears can easily become the ones you have always wanted in the back of  your head. I say use them!

Now, don't get me wrong. My kids are not perfect angels and more than a few times, I have had fellow moms come up to me at the cafe to tell me that one or the other was starting to get a little aggressive. Am I slightly embarrassed by this? Kind of. But more so, I appreciate that they took the time to find me and let me know what was up.

Letting a kid know that biting or hitting or pushing or whatever is not acceptable behaviour is NOT a judgment on your parenting skills. They are kids and mostly toddlers for that matter and certain behaviours are age-expected. Any discipline that occurs likely involves removal, re-focus and often a snack break. And I don't know about you, but hearing another mama say something about behaviour or rule breaking seems to have a lot more credibility with my kids and makes them sit up an listen just a little bit harder!

I think we would all benefit from more of a village mentality and if we all made the effort to looked out for each other and each other's children more, especially when we are sharing a space together.

What do you think?

Natasha~

Photo Credit: Toddler fight over the Car from joannamarieharris on Flickr

pointing out rainbows

This post has been a long time coming. And I don't really know how to write it.

So here goes...

I have come to a realization over the past few months. (You Mamas out there with little babies, listen up!)

What I have realized is this. We have all been duped.

We have been duped into believing that our babies need us the most when they are brand new. And while, yes, it is true that they do need us to clothe, feed, soothe, love and protect them while they are so tiny and vulnerable, once you get into a routine and you find your mama-baby rhythm, things can get relatively easy at this point. Yes, I know, I am making some big generalizations here, but stick with me on this.

Last year I went to visit a friend in Toronto who had just had her third daughter. Her two older girls were 4 and 6 at the time. When I asked her if she was going to go back to work again after her maternity leave, I was very surprised to hear her say no, that now she needed to stay home with the girls. I assumed she meant because of the baby, but she told me that it was more for the older two. At that point I really did not understand what she meant.

Now I do.

My kids are 22 months apart. And while this was a challenge when they were say teeny babies and then at 6 and 28 months old and then again at 1 and 3, it is NOTHING compared to right this very minute when they are 3 and 5 years old.

They NEED me!

A LOT.

The questions they have need answers. They need to DO more. With their growing bodies and with their expanding minds. They are both in play school now and are starting to navigate the world of friends who are not always of my choosing.  And all this means we have activities to attend, playdates to go to, new skills to hone and way more emotions to deal with on a daily, if not hourly basis.

So I need to be here for them, while they are still little. I know, that to some degree they will always need me, I just can't let them down right now. These years are important ones, the degree to which they are learning and growing and becoming little individuals with their own opinions and feelings is astounding and I need to be giving them my full attention. It's my job to help them navigate through this time in their lives and it is the most precious and MOST IMPORTANT job that I have.

In the past year I have spent way too much time saying the following phrases over and over to my kids,

"Just one more email and then Mommy will come and play with you."

"I just need to pack up these orders and then we can go to the park."

" Please wait...."

"Just five more minutes..."

The list goes on.

And it is not only that. As a family, Natural Urban Dad and I made the decision that I would be the stay-at-home parent. We did not want to have both of us working, have our kids in daycare and have our money go to someone else to spend most of the day with our kids. We are very fortunate that we can make that choice and it is one that I never, ever want to take for granted or lose sight of why we made it in the first place.

In the past six months I have been increasing our babysitter's hours on a regular basis to the point that I might as well just call her our nanny and be done with it. Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE my babysitter, like, REALLY love her. And so do my kids. But for the months before Christmas, every time I would have to go to a meeting or an event or just lock myself in the office to get some work done, I would come home to kids who missed me the whole time I was gone, who became super clingy for the rest of the day and night and who kept saying over and over how much they wish I didn't have to go away so much. The guilt that I was feeling and the mounting childcare bill where getting to the point that I was starting to feel ridiculously overwhelmed. And I started questioning whether 'having it all' or 'trying to do it all' was really worth it anymore.

Turns out it is not.

And the time has come for me to make a few changes in my life.

The first of which is that...

Natural Urban Mamas, THE STORE, will be closing its virtual doors.

This was a very long and hard decision to make, but one that I know is right for me and for my family at this time. I want to thank each and every one of you who has supported me on this journey. I have learned so much about life, about business, about myself and about the strength and determination that lives in so many of you through this adventure called entrepreneurship. I have made some life long friends and probably a few frenemies along the way too. I thank you all for lifting me up and making me want to be a better person, a better mother and a better business woman.

I want you to know that I am not going away. I have spent a lot of time and effort in educating myself about and being an advocate for babywearing and breastfeeding and all kinds of aspects of natural parenting. This part of Natural Urban Mamas will remain. I will still be doing workshops and speaking engagements and you will be able to find me here on the Natural Urban Mama blog or on Twitter or Facebook whenever you need to. Just know that I may not respond as quickly as I have in the past, because I will likely be watching someone learn to float on their back all by themselves or I'll be hanging out at the museum with a certain bug-crazy small individual.

“The work will wait while you show your child the rainbow, but the rainbow won't wait while you do the work.”

Patricia Clafford

I want my kids to remember these years and our time spent together and I want to know that I did all that I could to make it memorable for all of us.

Thank you all!

Much Love,

Natasha~

And lucky YOU! Starting on January 30th and while supplies last,

Our "UNTIL IT IS ALL GONE" Blow-out Sale will be happening at Natural Urban Mamas.com!

Something I adore...

Day Three of the January Photo a Day Challenge. #JANphotoaday

The sweet, sweet silence of bedtime!!

Toddlers and Heros!

Call me silly, but I am SO, so excited tonight.

A week and a half ago Annie at Phd in Parenting asked me to guest post for her awesome Carnival of Toddlers this month.

And I really can't lie, I may have done a few internal cartwheels when she sent me that tweet! Because here is the thing, Annie is kind of one of my heros. I have so much respect for her as an activist, a parent and a writer. I even sometimes think in my head when confronted with certain parenting and/or ethical questions..."What would Annie Do?"

I had the immense pleasure of meeting her at Blissdom Canada this past October and she really is as awesome in person as she is online!

So without further ado, here is the link to my guest post all about 'Toddler Survival 101'!

I do hope you like it and that you can get some tips from it to help you make it through these often trying but really quite terrific toddler years!!

Giddy as all heck,

Natasha~

Bizarro World and a Foot Rub

Something weird happened last Sunday. And by weird I mean, like bizarro world, everything is backwards weird.

I worked the Mommylicious trade show in Edmonton on Sunday. I was on my feet from 9 Am until 4:30 PM fitting mamas and daddies with beautiful baby carriers and running the show's stroller check (check in your stroller and 'check out' a baby carrier while you shop). I also got to have some amazing sleepy 6-week-old snuggles with my friend's sweet baby girl who slept on me for about 2 hours! It was a great day.

And a long day.

Natural Urban Dad was home with the kids all day and I got a few texts from him as the day went on about what they were doing. Seems the kids were having a day of "let's not listen to Daddy and therefore not get to go to "Fish Mouth" with him." (Fish Mouth is what they call the undersea adventure area at West Edmonton Mall).

I know that he too was having a long day with the kids.

We all met for dinner at our favourite neighborhood sushi place after I was all done at the show, the kids behaved themselves rather well and then we headed home.

Once in the house, Natural Urban Dad proceeded to immersed himself into cleaning the kitchen.

All I wanted to do was sit down and put up my feet (which were totally KILLING ME) for five minutes and close my eyes after a long day, but no, the kids needed some mommy time.

And it was bath time and someone obviously wanted to be alone with the dishes.

And then it hit me!!

Like a weird bizarro world smack up side the head!

Natural Urban Dad was doing exactly what I usually do when he gets home.

I turn over the kids to him with an "I am DONE!" expression on my face and start cleaning up or cooking dinner.  And I fully admit that for the most part I don't even think about how long or hard his day has been.

So I sucked it up, bathed the kids, got them ready for bed, read them a story and tucked them in.

And then I sat on the couch and asked for a foot rub.

I don't know if I have a real point to this post, except to say that NO ONE EVER WINS in this. Men and women have always had and will continue to have the "you have no idea how hard I work all day" discussions no matter who is with the kids and who is on the job. For me, I guess this day just really emphasized this dynamic in what we do at our house and made me realize that I need to appreciate my partner and what his day is like just as much as I expect him to appreciate all that I do in and around the house and with the kids every day.

We made our choices as a family. I would be the stay at home parent and he would be the working one. A lot of couples make this choice. It is important to keep the gratitude in our lives and for each other and remember to not take one another for granted. Each of us has an important job to do for the well-being and success of this family.

This past weekend was my reminder of this. Did Natural Urban Dad see the same thing? Maybe he did.

'Cause it was one very long and very nice foot rub!!

 Natasha~

Perspective

 The ability to perceive things in their actual interrelations or comparative importance.

I have been reluctant to write anything either here or on Mom Nation for the last few weeks. My last few posts brought out some strong emotions in a few people and some of the comments made either directly to me or indirectly and very passive aggressively on various social media platforms gave me my first taste of the dreaded 'trolls'.

And although I heeded the advice of many a blogger who has walked that bridge before me and did not feed the trolls, I would be lying if I said that the comments that got personal, the ones that questioned my integrity, my compassion and my right to say what I mean and mean what I say, well... they got to me.

Now don't get me wrong, I knew when I wrote that particular post that what I had to say might make some people uncomfortable. I am not a subtle woman, never have been, and never will be. I do not like to play games or mince words (I am way too old for that!). I did appreciate that my words made people think, that they did indeed illicit an emotional response and that perhaps they made some people look at themselves or others in a different light, be it good or bad.

I love a lively debate as much as the next person and these days, what better way is there to connect online and discourse than within the "blogosphere". A blog post is the starting point and the comments are the conversation. I truly do love that about this medium!

And also, it can totally suck! People can hide behind pseudonyms and anonymous comments. They can completely miss the point of a post and forget to click on the links to get the whole story or background information needed to understand what is being written and why. They can have knee-jerk reactions, spurred by their own feelings of resentment or guilt or regret or what-have-you THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH what was written by the blogger and they send out into the universe words, tweets or comments, that are personal attacks and that live on in perpetuity.

This whole aspect of blogging, and social media in general, the part where it gets ugly, really makes a person rethink why they are doing this, why they are putting themselves out there for all the world to see and read.

And then comes some perspective for (and from) the writer.  In this case, me.

If you had asked me two years ago if I considered myself a writer of anything, I would have given you a funny look and said, "Uh, no, NOT at all!" When the Natural Urban Mama blog was started in 2009 it was a struggle for me to write anything. And to be perfectly honest, I had not really written anything of substance since my university days in the late 1990's, and what I was writing then was mostly scientific in nature (yes, I once had aspirations of being a lab/research geek).

It wasn't until I was invited to participate in the Breastfeeding Cafe Carnival of Blogging in the Summer of 2010 and had to write a post a day for 14 days about my nursing experiences and thoughts and advice about breastfeeding that I really started to find my writing 'voice'. I realized then what blogging is about.

It is about telling a story. My story.

And what I found was that my story resonated with others. People started commenting on my posts, asking me questions, thanking me for sharing and in turn sharing my posts with others. And that felt good.

Here is the thing...I became the parent I am and by extension the parenting advocate I am very organically . I did not 'plan' to do a lot of the parenting practices that I now think are very important and yes, even essential in our world and definitely in our household. I was not a cloth diapering mama, I did not have a ridiculous baby carrier collection, let alone a babywearing business. And I had planned on breastfeeding for 6 months max!! Oh, how these little beings we bring into the world change us...

And so I began telling my story and sharing my passions and my experiences and my learnings here on my blog.

And more and more, my story has evolved, as have I as a person...and a mother, a business owner and a writer.

I blog for me, to get my thoughts about life and parenting out of my head and onto the screen. To make these thoughts and ideas more clear to me and perhaps to others too. It is a very public journal of sorts!

I blog for my readers and customers. I want to share my experiences. I want others to learn from my mistakes and my triumphs. I want to share my expertise and educate others about the things that I am passionate about like babywearing and breastfeeding and natural childbirth and cloth diapering and elimination communication and gentle discipline. Parenting practices that, believe it or not, can be done without trading in your designer boots for a pair of Birkenstocks and signing up for your Hippie-Mom Card.

I blog for a cause. What is that cause you ask? I blog for women. For mothers, for girls, for daughters, for wives, for women of all colours, creeds and yes, parenting 'styles'. I write to empower others to find their own voices, to live their dreams, to own their choices in life and live without regret. To be the kind of people they want their children to be.

I don't believe in hiding behind a facade of perfection. I don't believe in striving for a life/work balance just to be constantly disappointed and exhausted. I don't believe in being a fake friend or pretending that we all must get along just for the sake of appearances. I don't believe in living with regret or allowing negativity to permeate my head space or my online space!

I was in Canmore this weekend for my sister-in-law's wedding. Canmore is my happy place, where I witness magic and majesty at every turn and where I can just stop and breath and appreciate all the beauty that is around me. We took the kids to our favourite tea shop for lunch and on our way out I saw this card.

And it hit me to my core....

It was as if the universe was speaking to me and about me.

THESE are the things that I strive for in my life. How I choose to live and how I want my children to live too.

This is perspective to me and what matters and why I will not let the noise of a mere handful of people, drown out my inner or my outer voice!

Natasha~