everything always changes
The only constant in a woman’s life is how much she changes. With time, with life events, with love - of self and for others. I think about this phenomenon of change often. Of how much women evolve over a lifetime. Physically, mentally, and emotionally; and how this dictates our relationships with both our own bodies and the world we live in.
In less than 3 months, I will be 49 years old.
That number looks strange to me. It’s not the age of the person looking back at me in the mirror. She is 27, or 32, …maybe 38. Definitely not almost 50.
And yet, the truth is what it is.
There are changes happening once again to my body, I can feel them coming. I glance down at my fingers typing right now and I see glimpses of my mother’s and grandmother's hands. I walk naked past a mirror and see more dimpled cellulite on my legs and bottom, and the increasing softness of my midriff and breasts. Some days it feels like I am teetering madly on the edge of this time in my life, between welcoming these changes with wide open arms, and fighting them off with every fibre of my being.
Most days though I feel gratitude. I am thankful for the abilities that still exist for me and my body. I am grateful for every inch of this body - even the few more that have made me their home over the past couple of years. I am grateful for the man who still looks at me with both love and lust in his eyes after 20 years of witnessing all of these changes, and the children who still manage to fit and find solace in the softness of my arms.
I know that right now, today, I am stronger than I have ever been - both physically and mentally. Age, experience, and half of this life living with a chronic disease have made me an expert in my body and listening to the subtle cues and signs she gives me indicating her needs. Needs that I no longer ignore while I am taking care of everyone else’s. She is fed when she is hungry, touched when she is desired, moved when she feels stagnant.
I no longer say mean things about or to my body, or list off the things I would change about her. I no longer buy into the cult of youth that women are force-fed incessantly by media and culture, and I remind myself that the only gaze that matters is my own.
I do keep a tally of all the amazing things my body has done - growing life within her, birthing said lives, knitting herself back together after multiple surgeries, and all that she continues to allow me to do. I celebrate all that we have gone through in our time together and make bucket lists for our future adventures. And again, I am reminded of how much I do actually and truly love her.
Me.
Of how much I love me.
Right now. In this version of my body.
N~
I participated in a photoshoot with Deanna Slusar of Moss and Moon Photography here in Edmonton a few weeks ago. It’s a series called #MillworkWomen and she asked us to write a few words about womanhood and body image. This was my contribution. Check out her work on Instagram - it’s beautiful and witchy and lovely in so many ways!
(This post was written on October 10, 2020, I am republishing it here as part of the transfer of my posts from the newsletter platform I am no longer using. I am getting closer to the big 5-0 and still feel all of this and then some! )
Sharing
In an effort to become a more organized and cohesive family unit, my husband and I have started sharing our iCalendars. We now know exactly where we are at all times, what activities the kids have, when any and all appointments are, and, as of last night, when my menstrual cycle starts. Yes. You read that right. My menstrual cycle is now in my husbands calendar and "in the Cloud".
The past few weeks have been particularly tough for me and I honestly couldn't figure out why. I have been extremely moody, irritable and VERY emotionally volatile. I mean, I almost burst into tears at soccer registration because C has to play on the Under-8 team and not the Under -6 team with all his school friends. That incident alone should have clued me in to what was going on.
But no, I just kept thinking I was staring at the beginning of my mid-life crisis and was slowly losing my mind. My poor husband even told me last week that he was afraid to say anything to me for fear of my response or interpretation of his {innocent} words. My kids noticed too and one day my 4 year old said to me that she thought I needed a nap because I was so grumpy. :(
In the past 24 hours, I started putting two and two together thanks to the like-clockwork arrival of dear Aunt Flo.
Have you seen that new Poise commercial? The one with various women of my {ahem} age range, talking about "the change"? Here it is for those of you who haven't.
The women in the commercial talk about having a "second talk". About how your body is changing yet again and that we should really be having another open and honest chat about it. I for one, am all for this. I don't know if I am truly going through any kind of change at the moment, but I am probably at the beginning of it and SOMETHING is going on.
Hormone changes, body changes, hair growing in new places (just ask Tanis about that one!). These things happen and no one really talks about it! It's not like our moms are sitting us down with a nice cup of tea and some mini muffins and saying to us, "Now dear, let me tell you why you are going to need a really big tub of lube these days."
And the PMS!! Oh dear GAWD! I have never been one to experience really bad PMS. I was on the pill for a good portion of my {ahem} teen and adult life and then I had babies. I refuse to go back on any kind of hormonal birth control after my IUD experience and so here I am. Forty-one years old and expereincing real PMS for the first time in my life. Or as I have just found out, what could very well be PERImenopause.
You didn't know about that pre-phase of the change now did you? SEE, we really do need to have that second talk!!
Perimenopause is the phase that happens 1-5 years BEFORE actual menopause. And it can wreak havoc on all kinds of hormones; your estrogen levels, stress hormones, insulin hormones... ALL of them!
This stage of life is difficult to diagnose because most symptoms of perimenopause match up with those of PMS, or even just a bad day: Anger, anxiety, backache, bloating, mood swings, fuzzy thinking, loss of sexual desire, and irritability are a few examples. Women who don’t know they’re going through perimenopause may experience these symptoms for years and years without even considering that dropping hormone levels may be to blame. In the meantime, they may simply feel like there’s “something wrong” with them or that they’re going crazy. They may attribute their extra stress and irritability to the increasing pressures of advancing in their career or raising growing children.
I read the above paragraph and a light bulb went off in my head. OMG!! This is me! (See last post, where I reiterate the "what is wrong with me, I think I am going crazy" thoughts as stated above!)
So there you have it folks.
My name is Natasha and I am perimenopausal!
And in an effort to track this, keep an eye out for the mood swings, fuzzy thinking and irritability and to ensure the continued functioning of my family and my marriage, my husband now has this in his calendar for next month. He says he is good with it, because now he knows exactly when he is more likely to get some action! I love how he sees the silver lining in this (even if AF is arriving on Date Night and will be the awkward third wheel).
Feeling better, yet also, very old,
natasha~