everything always changes
The only constant in a woman’s life is how much she changes. With time, with life events, with love - of self and for others. I think about this phenomenon of change often. Of how much women evolve over a lifetime. Physically, mentally, and emotionally; and how this dictates our relationships with both our own bodies and the world we live in.
In less than 3 months, I will be 49 years old.
That number looks strange to me. It’s not the age of the person looking back at me in the mirror. She is 27, or 32, …maybe 38. Definitely not almost 50.
And yet, the truth is what it is.
There are changes happening once again to my body, I can feel them coming. I glance down at my fingers typing right now and I see glimpses of my mother’s and grandmother's hands. I walk naked past a mirror and see more dimpled cellulite on my legs and bottom, and the increasing softness of my midriff and breasts. Some days it feels like I am teetering madly on the edge of this time in my life, between welcoming these changes with wide open arms, and fighting them off with every fibre of my being.
Most days though I feel gratitude. I am thankful for the abilities that still exist for me and my body. I am grateful for every inch of this body - even the few more that have made me their home over the past couple of years. I am grateful for the man who still looks at me with both love and lust in his eyes after 20 years of witnessing all of these changes, and the children who still manage to fit and find solace in the softness of my arms.
I know that right now, today, I am stronger than I have ever been - both physically and mentally. Age, experience, and half of this life living with a chronic disease have made me an expert in my body and listening to the subtle cues and signs she gives me indicating her needs. Needs that I no longer ignore while I am taking care of everyone else’s. She is fed when she is hungry, touched when she is desired, moved when she feels stagnant.
I no longer say mean things about or to my body, or list off the things I would change about her. I no longer buy into the cult of youth that women are force-fed incessantly by media and culture, and I remind myself that the only gaze that matters is my own.
I do keep a tally of all the amazing things my body has done - growing life within her, birthing said lives, knitting herself back together after multiple surgeries, and all that she continues to allow me to do. I celebrate all that we have gone through in our time together and make bucket lists for our future adventures. And again, I am reminded of how much I do actually and truly love her.
Me.
Of how much I love me.
Right now. In this version of my body.
N~
I participated in a photoshoot with Deanna Slusar of Moss and Moon Photography here in Edmonton a few weeks ago. It’s a series called #MillworkWomen and she asked us to write a few words about womanhood and body image. This was my contribution. Check out her work on Instagram - it’s beautiful and witchy and lovely in so many ways!