introverting my way to connection
My kids always find it funny that I consider myself an introvert. I guess I can’t blame them, I am a very friendly introvert. I talk to strangers, I stop to talk to any and all neighbours that walk by or that we see on our walks. It takes me forever to leave a party because I have to see everyone individually to say goodbye (I may be an introvert, but I am not RUDE). And in a crowded situation, I admit, sometimes I do like to be the centre of attention. Or at least be the one making people either laugh or think. Can one be a passionate extroverted introvert?
I am also painfully shy, and I really, really like my house and not wearing a bra. So, as the kids say, the struggle is real…
I believe I suffer from a form of FOMO where I want to be invited to all the things, but then I don’t actually want to go to them. Or if I do, I just want to be a fly on the wall and find the other FOMO/shy fly there and sit in a corner and watch all the people. Not in a judge-y way, just in an appreciation of people doing people-y things way. I really do LOVE people watching. I’ll make up stories about the strangers around me in my head. Are they on a date? Do they really want to be here? What are they really thinking? Where did they get those amazing shoes?
The pandemic has been both easy and hard for me. At this point, and depending on a few different factors, this back and forth feeling is on a weekly (or sometimes daily) rotation. I am used to working from home. I have been doing it in some form or another for more than 13 years. The difference this time is that everyone else in my household has been “working from home” too and this increase is people/square foot/time at home ratio has really messed with my flow! I haven’t spent more than an hour alone, in my house, with my own damn thoughts, since March 15th, 2020 and it is starting to show.
forever expressing myself in mug form
I know I am not taking care of my own needs at this time and its becoming very apparent that if I don’t do so VERY SOON, I am not the only one who will suffer. Twice in the last week, I’ve gotten so irrationally angry that I have almost blacked out with rage. Both times, I remember how I got to the point, but it’s as if a line was crossed and then I wasn’t in control of my actions or words. Both times I recovered almost immediately and was horrified with myself.
I’ve alluded to this change in my coping abilities a few times with my husband and his response so far has been, “let’s go for a walk”. And while I appreciate a little change of scenery and his efforts to remove me from a situation, I know I need something more. My friends think I need to get away for 24-48 hours and they may be right. The problem is, I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to take off and be unavailable to the people who rely on me. I mean, I left the house for a few hours to go to a friend’s to watch the Folk Fest Documentary the other night and within minutes my daughter texted me to ask me what TV show she should watch. And yes, her father was in the room next to her and not 5 blocks away. {sigh}
Maybe I’ve done this to myself. I’ve made myself so indispensable to them that a simple decision can not be made without me. Maybe this is even more reason for me to take off and let them figure some shit out. I love my family to bits, but I don’t think the level of co-dependence that is growing is healthy for any of us. They can’t make decisions without me and I can’t leave because they can’t make decisions without me. It’s a vicious cycle and not one conducive to raising capable young human beings!
Okay, that’s it, I really do have to get away. The people watching situation is getting rather stale in this house and/or walking around my block, and my own mental health is suffering. 48 hours, a cabin in the woods, a large charcuterie board and a bottle of wine. This is not too much to ask for.
And really, that is what being an introvert ACTUALLY means. It’s not someone who is shy and doesn’t want to socialize, its someone who needs time alone to recover from too much people-ing, too much doing, too much labour - be it emotional or physical. I think after 5 months, I can take a couple of days just for me and my brain and my heart and fill them up again.
Maybe some of you reading this are feeling like I am. I hope in some way you can find a way to fill your tanks BEFORE you too are panicking and running on fumes. Trust me, that is no way to live.
Take care my friends,
N~