Fairy Tales & PIE: why we need both in a marriage.

I am a sucker for a good love story. I love a happy ending when the girl gets the boy of her dreams or vice-versa or the girl gets the girl of her dream, or the boy the boy of his dreams. I am, of course, an equal opportunity love story junkie.

The problem with most love stories is that they end at the "and then they lived happily ever after" and we just assume that this is exactly the case. That love conquers all and it is all they need to keep them happy and together until the end of time.

Imagine if we could see the rest of the story. What happens after the Beast turns back to the Prince and he and Belle start having babies. Or after Ariel loses her fins and becomes human to be with Eric and then decides to take a job that requires her to be away a lot. What happens to all that fairy tale love when reality sets in?

In the past six months it has become painfully evident to me that I am in a phase in my life where I am starting to see the statistics about marriage play out around me. I don't know if it is the 'seven year itch' phenomenon or the 8, 9, 10 or 12 year itch... it just seems to be happening  more and more. Every couple is different and has their own struggles to overcome, but I do see a little bit of a recurring theme in a lot of relationships.

It sounds so bloody cliché, but having kids really does change your life. And until it happens to you, it is hard for anyone around you to really "get it".  Everything for the next few years (read FOREVER) is all about the kids. This is not all terrible, it is after all, what you signed up for. You and your partner created these little humans together and now it is your job to love and provide for them. Your focus gets easily pulled to nurturing these new relationships with your children and it can be a steep learning curve to figure out how to love them, love yourself and love your partner all at the same time. Life is about growth and development and it is not only our babies who are doing the growing. We are too - as parents, as partners, and as individuals. If we don't recognize this growth, if we stop paying attention to our life partners, a vital connection can be lost. And then, one day, there is a very sobering realization that we don't recognize the person sitting across the table from us or even the person (ourselves) looking across the table anymore.

I am a huge proponent of the attachment theory of parenting and how important it is for our babies to have that strong sense of attachment and bonding with us from the get go. Dr. Gordon Neufeld, and many others who study human psychology and development, say that attachment is THE most significant and pre-eminent need of human beings. Connections and a sense of belonging are what make us human. And if we lose those connections in our most important and intimate relationships, if we try to replace them with things or focus our connections away from our partners, we risk losing those relationships altogether.

If life and the kids and the laundry and the yard work and work work and Facebook time and gaming and working out and taking everyone to their activities and whatever else you've got going on, is taking up ALL OF YOU, it is doing so at an expense. We may think that that expense is being tired all the time and not having time for ourselves, let alone our partners, but I am telling you now, that NO, that is not it. The expense is the subtle, slipping away of trust and confidence and the very foundation that supports our relationships.

It is very easy to fall into patterns of behaviour when our babies and toddlers are small and require so much from us. We have a schedule for naps and for feedings, a routine for bedtime, a weekly colour-coded calendar full of music/swim/parent&me/gymnastics/art classes. Not to mention all the rest of the work that needs to be done at home, at the office, at the home-office or what have you. I don't know about you, but I remember so many days that I would forgot to even feed myself, let alone have a conversation or a meal with my husband. Being an attached and connected parent is a wonderful thing, but if you don't continue to nurture the original connection and attachment that MADE your child(ren), then where does that leave you?

I just finished reading Brené Brown's book, "Daring Greatly". In the chapter about Debunking the Vulnerability Myths, one paragraph really struck me. In it Brené talks about the betrayal of disengagement:

"When the people we love or with whom we have a deep connection stop caring, stop paying attention, stop investing and stop fighting for the relationship, trust begins to slip away and hurt starts seeping in. Disengagement triggers shame and our greatest fears - the fears of being abandoned, unworthy, unlovable. What can make this covert betrayal so much more dangerous than something like a lie or an affair is that we can't point to the source of our pain - there's no event, no obvious evidence of brokenness. It can feel crazy-making."

My husband and I have always had a little bit of a relationship radar in place that lets us know when life is getting the best of us. I am pretty sure that everyone has some kind of early warning system in their own relationship. It all comes down to how much or how little attention is paid to it. The increased bickering, the loss of physical connection, the muttering under the breath, being super sensitive to every little thing said to each other - these are the warnings that we can sometimes overlook or not really think too much about, but this is just a small list of the tiny betrayals that can build on each other. And if no one is paying attention to the physical, intellectual and emotional needs of their partner (I think I'll call that P.I.E.!) than going through the motions of a marriage or life partnership will never leave anyone feeling fulfilled. Every little hurt starts to adds up and disconnection is the sum result.

We've all heard it said before, love takes work. It is a choice we have to make every day. It takes a fair amount of vulnerability too. And for a lot of people, accessing that vulnerable place in themselves is a major hurdle. It's a risk to say to the person you are supposed to be totally in love with that something is off. That THIS, the way things are RIGHT NOW, is not working for you. We'll do a lot to avoid these kinds of conversations and our fears only serve to push us further away from each other. We work more, take extra shifts, spend more time on Facebook/Pinterest/Twitter. We become obsessed with perfection and our focus becomes on how we look, how the house looks, and how the world sees us. We drown our fears in booze or food. We live with what Brené Brown calls "scarcity" and become governed by self-talk and thoughts of never being "enough" of anything to anyone. It's the mother of all shame spirals and the only way out of it is to face those fears, be your most vulnerable self and start paying attention.

For me, that meant finding a good therapist to help me face my own negative self-talk and the ways that I avoid my own vulnerability. Jane* has made me realize that I can choose to change the way I think and I don't have to revert to my default avoidance setting of "fixing" everyone else's lives around me and ignoring my own problems. It has also meant having some very honest conversations with my husband and of us sharing our greatest fears within our relationship with each other. Trust me, this was not an easy task for either of us, but I truly believe that it has made all the difference. We are both more aware and focused on making sure that we are both getting our fair share of the P.I.E. more so now than ever before.

I said it above, but it bears repeating:

Attachment, connection and belonging are the pre-eminent needs of all human beings.

We are all doing our very best to ensure that we are nurturing that kind of relationship with and for our children and most of us are getting pretty good at this attachment parenting stuff. We need to remember that we too are humans and have those same basic and vital needs. To satisfy them within our significant and intimate relationships, we all need to remember to keep working on our ATTACHMENT MARRIAGE-ING and keep the focus on our own happily ever afters!

Natasha~

P.S. You all know how much I love Pink and she always know exactly what to say way better in song version...

[youtube]http://youtu.be/OpQFFLBMEPI[/youtube]

legacy

I just spent the last 2 hours in a cramped 3-bed hospital room with my 82-year-old Godmother.

This is the woman my daughter is named after. The woman who was a best friend to my grandmother, a kind of surrogate mother for my own mother and the woman at whose home I have the fondest memories of my childhood.

She is a pretty amazing woman and I am so incredibly thankful that she has always been a part of my life.

Talking with her today, we covered the usual. How the kids and Natural Urban Dad are doing, how goes the progress on the new house, and the usual chit-chat. And then the conversation took a turn that it often does with her.

She is ready to die. She actually wants to die.

Seven years ago this December, the love of her life, the man she was married to for 60 years, the man who left her a love note tucked under her pillow every day, passed away.

She wants to be with him again.

A few months ago, she had a fall at her home and her son found her unconscious on the floor (he woke up suddenly at 3 AM and told his wife he had to go check on his mom). She told me that during those few hours that she was technically in a coma, that she was at peace. She was floating. She was on her way to see her love.

And then she woke up.

Today we also talked a lot about her life in Europe as a child, how her mom died suddenly at the age of 38 when she was only nine and of her life during and after the war. She showed me her engagement ring and told me the story of how my Godfather had to buy the gold on the black market and designed the bow-shaped ring himself. She told me of all the love notes and little presents that he would leave for her under her pillow, for no other reason than just because he loved her so much.

This is the stuff that great love stories are made of people!

And then we started talking about my grandmother. Helen (we never called her Grandma) was also an amazing woman. All 90 pounds of her.  My Godparents where the closest thing to family that she had and they know the most about her life. I only know tidbits. If I have one regret in this life it is that I did not spend more time with her and get her to tell me more about her life.

You see, I do not know who my grandfather is. Neither does my mother. Helen was a governess in the late 1940's for a rich family in the south of France. She fell in love with the married chauffeur and proceeded to get herself knocked up at the spinster-y age of 42. This is as much as I know. And as I found out today, this seems to be as much as anyone knows. I assume this situation was quite the scandal in those days and in 1952, two years after my mother was born my grandmother and my mother immigrated to Canada. Once here, I do know that there was a short marriage to another man, who died of a heart attack and then I think Helen just swore of off men forever.

What I found out today, is that my dear grandmother, this tiny woman whom I have held on such a pedestal my whole life, who expected so much from me, who was always so prim and proper, was actually quite the goof. My Godmother regaled me today with stories about Helen. I heard about her walking around nude all the time. Answering the door with nothing on and with nary a care in the world. We had quite the giggle today about her many naked antics.

Why am I going on and on about all of this?

Legacy.

That is why.

I still only have tidbits of my grandmother's life. I wish that she had journaled more, that she had written down her thoughts, her experiences, her perspective of being a single mother in the 1950's and 60's. I wish I could have known her more, understood her more and that I had more of her to remember.

My Godfather wrote his memoirs and his children had them bound into a hardcover book for him before he passed away. I asked my Godmother for a copy of that book today. It was all written in French, so it might take me a while to read it. But read it I will.

Sometimes I hear people make disparaging remarks about being a blogger. Oh, you are not a writer, you are just a blogger. And I realized something today. I am both. And I am neither.  I write not only for myself, but for future generations too.

And this is my legacy.

This blog is the way that MY grand children will know me when I am not around anymore. They will know the funny me, the sad me, the advocate me, the Mommy me and the rant-y me! They will be able to read about how their parents were born, read about how and why we did things "in the old days" and see their parents through my eyes (and my camera lens).

They will be able to see how we built our dream home, the home that their parents grew up in, the one that they will get to come to for sleep-overs and holidays and birthdays and anniversaries.

Maybe one day I or the kids will take this blog and make it into a book. Not necessarily for mass production, just for the family to have  a tangible connection to the woman I am/will be/was. So I will write. I will write for me, for my kids and for my grand kids. I will write for the women who came before me, for my mother and for my grandmother...

...and I will write  for my Godmother. May she soon find peace and her one true love waiting for her with open arms and an eternal love note.

Natasha~

Bizarro World and a Foot Rub

Something weird happened last Sunday. And by weird I mean, like bizarro world, everything is backwards weird.

I worked the Mommylicious trade show in Edmonton on Sunday. I was on my feet from 9 Am until 4:30 PM fitting mamas and daddies with beautiful baby carriers and running the show's stroller check (check in your stroller and 'check out' a baby carrier while you shop). I also got to have some amazing sleepy 6-week-old snuggles with my friend's sweet baby girl who slept on me for about 2 hours! It was a great day.

And a long day.

Natural Urban Dad was home with the kids all day and I got a few texts from him as the day went on about what they were doing. Seems the kids were having a day of "let's not listen to Daddy and therefore not get to go to "Fish Mouth" with him." (Fish Mouth is what they call the undersea adventure area at West Edmonton Mall).

I know that he too was having a long day with the kids.

We all met for dinner at our favourite neighborhood sushi place after I was all done at the show, the kids behaved themselves rather well and then we headed home.

Once in the house, Natural Urban Dad proceeded to immersed himself into cleaning the kitchen.

All I wanted to do was sit down and put up my feet (which were totally KILLING ME) for five minutes and close my eyes after a long day, but no, the kids needed some mommy time.

And it was bath time and someone obviously wanted to be alone with the dishes.

And then it hit me!!

Like a weird bizarro world smack up side the head!

Natural Urban Dad was doing exactly what I usually do when he gets home.

I turn over the kids to him with an "I am DONE!" expression on my face and start cleaning up or cooking dinner.  And I fully admit that for the most part I don't even think about how long or hard his day has been.

So I sucked it up, bathed the kids, got them ready for bed, read them a story and tucked them in.

And then I sat on the couch and asked for a foot rub.

I don't know if I have a real point to this post, except to say that NO ONE EVER WINS in this. Men and women have always had and will continue to have the "you have no idea how hard I work all day" discussions no matter who is with the kids and who is on the job. For me, I guess this day just really emphasized this dynamic in what we do at our house and made me realize that I need to appreciate my partner and what his day is like just as much as I expect him to appreciate all that I do in and around the house and with the kids every day.

We made our choices as a family. I would be the stay at home parent and he would be the working one. A lot of couples make this choice. It is important to keep the gratitude in our lives and for each other and remember to not take one another for granted. Each of us has an important job to do for the well-being and success of this family.

This past weekend was my reminder of this. Did Natural Urban Dad see the same thing? Maybe he did.

'Cause it was one very long and very nice foot rub!!

 Natasha~

It's decision time....

As you may know, the past few months have been a struggle for me.

Personally, I have been dealing with my yearly seasonal blues demons and just barely keeping them at bay. It is getting better though and I have my fabulous little family and some really great friends (new and old) to thank for that. And a healthy dose of Vitamin D every day seems to be helping too!

Professionally, it has been a struggle as well. Working as a solo entrepreneur is hard work.  Actually, it is VERY hard work. And doing so while also being the stay-at-home parent to two preschool-aged children makes it even harder. Somehow they NEED me more now then they ever have before (more on this later) and finding the time to focus on ALL of my babies is getting harder and harder.

Please understand that I love what I do.

I love being able to introduce parents to the incredible world of babywearing. I love helping anyone who asks about breastfeeding, natural birth, and the many aspects of 'green' parenting that I have garnered some knowledge of over the years. It makes my heart happy when I see the look of sheer relief and the physical relaxation of a mama's shoulders when she puts her baby in a proper, safe and beautiful baby carrier. And I seriously almost want to do a happy dance of joy when said baby is asleep in under 5 minutes of being in a new carrier.

I also love being able to find great products from both local and not-so-local mama-made and baby-inspired small businesses. It has always been part of my mission at Natural Urban Mamas to support local Canadian manufacturers and mainly mama-owned or family run smaller companies in North America and Europe. I have stayed true to this throughout the life of my business and I am so honoured to now call quite a few of these manufacturers and mamas some of my dearest friends.

I love the community of mamas that I have on the Natural Urban Mamas Facebook and Twitter pages. All 3800+ of you!! This is simply amazing to me! I appreciate your comments, feedback, funny posts, beautiful pictures and all the questions that you feel comfortable asking me. I love sharing wonderful and informative posts with you and introducing you to some of my favourite blogger friends, cool sites and general internet happy places!  I also love how you all share so freely with me and with each other when questions are asked. This to me is a true community. We may not always see things the same way, but sharing ideas and learning from each other makes us all better! Thank YOU!

So why the struggle?

Running a retail company on your own (and on the internet) is a 24 hours a day, 7 days a week kind of job. You are the CEO, COO, CFO, Marketing department, Sales force, Purchaser, Accounting/Book-keeping department, Shipper/Receiver, often the IT department and the SEO/Social Media/Communications department as well. There is always something that needs doing to keep the business running smoothly and often this involves an investment of time or money. It is exhausting and to be completely honest, most of the time I am running low of both time AND money!

Here's the thing. When my business partner and I went our separate ways in late 2009, for the sake of simplicity and to avoid the addition of more legal fees (and to keep things from getting ugly), I had to pay her out. I don't really want to get into all the ridiculous details of this transaction (because I will just get angry again), but essentially Natural Urban Mamas has not yet been able to climb out of the hole that this 'pay-out' created. And I don't see it doing so anytime soon. You know that old saying, "you need to spend money to make money", well, at this point, there is just not enough money to spend!

So at this point I am NOT loving the day-to-day running of Natural Urban Mamas, the business. And not just because of the financial factor. It is the time factor too.

Like I mentioned above, my children need me more now than they have before. Little C will be 5 years old in two weeks and he is more inquisitive than ever. He has questions that need well thought out answers!  LOTS of questions. Princess L is in the weird and wonderful transition phase from toddler to preschooler and is figuring out that she is not a baby anymore. There is a lot of independence and then very strong attachment going on at our house these days. I need to be there for my littles. It is not just my physical presence that they need, it is more of my mental and emotional presence too and I don't want to deny them any of this. Unfortunately, because I squeeze in work hours when and where I can throughout the day, I feel like I am doing just that.

And it is not just the kids, my husband needs me too.

We both knew that this year was going to be a tough one for us. Financing and building a new house can be rough on any relationship. And although yes, this is our third time doing it, I fully admit that it seems way harder this time around. I think we are both feeling a lot of pressure to really GET IT RIGHT with this house and have a lot of our heart and soul and hopes and dreams wrapped up in this little construction project. And a lot of the decisions about the house come down to me. I am the one visiting the site almost every day to ensure that our dream is taking shape as we planned. I am the one talking to the trades people (I am there so often, that the guys have all started calling me Nat, it's my site nickname). I am the one trying to keep us all on budget. So you see, I have yet another job to add to the list -- unofficial Construction Site Supervisor!

You can imagine that with all of this going on - the store, the kids, and the house - Natural Urban Dad and I don't get a whole heck of a lot of alone time together. And we NEED it! All marriages need this. For us we especially need our time together because of all that is going on! Even if it is just an hour a week at Starbucks or a walk through the mall holding hands, we need that time to reconnect and know that WE matter as a team, a couple and yes, as lovers too! (oh, he is so going to love that!) We are the foundation that all else is built on and we have to keep that foundation strong.

Over the past few weeks, it has become glaringly apparent to me that certain things in my life need to change. I need to change. I am no longer completely happy with the path I am on and I need to find a new way, a better way to keep living my purpose and my passion without losing my mind! This week I sought the advice of a fellow entrepreneur I recently met IRL and for whom I have always had mad respect for... and then she posted THIS! I swear to God, it was like she jumped into my head and then wrote her post. And I can't thank her enough. (Big Super Hugs for Alex from @Clippo!!)

And so here is what is going to happen now. I am taking a page from Alex's book.

Natural Urban Mamas, the store,  will be closed from December 12, 2011 until January 31, 2012. 

During this time I will be figuring out what is best for me and my family and also for Natural Urban Mamas. I will continue to write on the blog (I have a couple of carrier reviews coming up and some step-by-step carrier instructional posts too) and also keep the Facebook page current. I will be available for babywearing or baby carrier advice via Facebook or Twitter, but will not be running any babywearing workshops during December or January.

I appreciate your patience and understanding and your continued support while I work through this challenge and transition in my life and my business.

Thank you,

Natasha~

All work and no play makes for...

....late nights alone with your computer!

The other night a fellow blogger posted on her Facebook page that she gets all her best writing and work done between the hours of 10 PM and 1 AM.

I totally agree with her, as this also happens to be my most creative and focused time of the day as well.

BUT....

..this kind of schedule.... well.....

It does nothing for one's love life!

Let's face it. We are up at the crack of dawn with little ones (often after an interrupted night's sleep, because of said littles). We feed them all day, play with them, take them to play dates and the park and various other activities. Some of us work full-time jobs, some of us work from home. We make dinner for the family, give baths, read books and finally put them all to bed. And then it is grown-up time....

Or so we think.

For those of us who work from home, or write a blog, or try to maintain some kind of social media presence, after this kids are down and the dishes washed and the laundry sorted, it is often time to get down to business.

And if we are working till the wee hours on most nights, well, there goes any shot of spending quality time with our spouses.

And as I sit here and write this, I .....

....actually, you know what? I'm not.

I am going to make a choice tonight. I choose NOT to stay up until 1 AM. I choose to actually go to bed at the same time as Natural Urban Dad and {ahem} cherish some time with him (at least until one of the kids wakes up!) So this is all you get tonight!

Good night everyone, get off your computers and go snuggle with your loved ones!

I mean it!

Natasha~

~~~~~~~~~~

Summer Blog Challenge posts for August 14, 2011

• Peter celebrates, appreciates, and berates: Crazy Wookie Cookies
• Shaun mourns his loss of freedom: Expedition of Truths
• Disco Earl don’t advertise: My Name is Earl (J. Woods)
• Zita on success in business: Ignite Strategic Solutions
• Brad on new furniture and computers: Kick Me Out Soon
• Natasha says “Get off” um… oh yeah “your computer”: Natural Urban Mamas
• Kim gives you some space: Nature Baby Bloggings
• Cliff details a board game: Peer Pressure Works
• Tammy is hesitant about some movie remakes: Tam I Am
• Vlad sings his daughter a song: Analog Coast
• Chad shakes his fist at jerks on the road: The Daily Grind
• Liam persists in re-reading a bad book (or twelve): In The Now

Natasha's Pick of the Week: Vancouver

This past weekend was a first for our little family. It was the first time Natural Urban Dad and I have escaped from left both our kids and the first time they had a sleep over at NaiNai and YeYe's house.  We headed off for a nice romantic getaway to the lovely city of Vancouver and they set up their sleeping bags in the family room at my in-laws place and had a camp out with their grandfather. To be completely honest, I thought that leaving them for the weekend would have been harder on me, but it really wasn't. They gave me enthusiastic hugs and kisses goodbye and then went back to jumping around on their new sleeping bags. The dog cried more the day before when I left her with my sister!

Vancouver was the perfect spot for us to go to for our first little getaway by ourselves. For one thing, we did not pay a thing for our flights or hotel thanks to all our unused air miles points (SCORE!), and we did not need a car thanks to the lovely Canada Line Skytrain system that runs from the YVR airport all the way downtown to the Waterfront Station and Canada Place. We stayed at the Delta Vancouver Suites hotel, a decent place smack dab in the middle of downtown and well within walking distance to everywhere we wanted to go.

Natural Urban Dad did his undergraduate degree at the University of British Columbia and so Vancouver holds a very special place in his heart. He has told me over and over that every time he is there he feels the pull of this city and its metropolitan essence.  Maybe it is the tides??

I do know what he means though, we are both Capricorns. We love the water and the mountains and were else (in Canada at least) do you get the majesty and tranquility of both?

We spent most of our time in the happening downtown neighborhoods of Gastown and Yaletown.  Good eats, good shopping and some pretty cool architecture as well. On Friday night we had dinner at Chill Winston, a restaurant and lounge/bar in Gastown that has a lot going for it. Great location, great food, cute servers and a super fun atmosphere with a very eclectic and diverse clientele. We walked around after dinner, checked out the view into the harbour and then found a nice little organic cafe and had some tea and very yummy key-lime cheesecake.

Saturday we SLEPT IN!! It was lovely! When we finally got out of bed and ready for the day we headed out to Howe Street upon the recommendations from the hotel staff and had breakfast at a great mom & pop restaurant called Scoozis. It was so good and quaint and just what we wanted and I am not exaggerating--THE BEST HAM I have ever tasted!! Check it out next time you are there.

We then headed off down Granville Street and ended up doing some shoe shopping at the Fluevog store. It was a nice score, because it just happened to be the weekend of the World Famous Fluevog Sample Sale. Natural Urban Dad choose some very dapper blue suede shoes (yes, he picked them all by himself) and I scored these babies!!

Next we had an awesome sushi lunch at ShuRaku. You have to go to this place, the food was amazing, the very boisterous welcome you get when you walk in the door, in Japanese of course, was a very nice touch AND the Chef made me my favourite maki roll even though it was not on the main lunch menu! After lunch we toodled around some more and browsed the many furniture and design houses we passed, always on the look out for great signature pieces for our eventual new house!

We did a loop back to Gastown and hit the main Fluevog Shop and to my utter surprise, Natural Urban Dad bought me another pair of shoes!! Seriously people, LOOK at how awesome they are!! CHERRY RED Mary Janes and the Fluevog name for them is "The Benatar". I HAD to have them!

We went back to the hotel for a quick change and 'nap' and then headed out again, this time to Yaletown, where we had reservations for dinner. We strolled down the streets in Yaletown and passed many a small shop specializing in various forms of personal grooming. There is the Bombay Brow Bar, the blo Blow Dry Bar, Frilly Lilly for all your waxing needs, NOIR Lash Lounge and so many others, offering every kind of grooming you can imagine, including the "manzilian" for the very brave boys out there! I guess in Yaletown, you must be rather hairless (except for the lashes) to be a hipster!

We found a great store on Hamilton Street called Bernstein & Gold and stuck up a conversation with the owner, also a father of 2 who has never been away from his kids. He has a very eclectic shop, selling everything from imported (and very cool) bicycles, to Italian glass chandeliers and bamboo tables. He ships worldwide too!

Now I do love me a good hat and could not resist heading into the Goorin Bros hat shop. I found a great modern cloche hat that will be perfect for summer and we also discovered that Natural Urban Dad is really not a hat guy.

Dinner was the highlight of our Saturday! We ate at the amazing Blue Water Cafe. I can't say enough good things about this fine dining establishment. For one thing we had an absolutely amazing server. She suggested the yummiest cocktail for me, the Jacob's Ladder, our first ever raw oyster tasting (not icky at all!) and an absolutely delicious white wine to accompany my halibut meal (The Noble Blend from JoieFarm Wines). The food was delicious, the atmosphere relaxed (we were in one of the private dining rooms, so it was a lot quieter than in the main dining room), the backgorund music perfect and the company rather sexy. It was the perfect date night and one that we really needed to have!

After dinner we headed back to Chill Winston because I really wanted to have their Banana Split feature dessert (hello coconut ice cream and salted caramel sauce!!). And see, it really hit the spot!

We walked back to our hotel arm in arm, I got a lovely foot massage, we watched Kill Bill Volume 1 on Tv (yeah, yeah, not that romantic I know) and went to bed a very happy couple ;).

Sorry for the super long post, but it really was a great weekend and I highly recommend getting away, even for just a night if you can. It does a marriage good!!

Thank you Vancouver! <3

Intervention

It is 10 PM and I have 2 hours to get this post published! This post is about Natural Urban Dad. More specifically about the two of us. And Social Media. And how it all fits together. Sort of. I tend to throw myself into everything I do whole-heartedly. Social Media is no exception. I love connecting with my followers and those I follow both on Facebook and on Twitter. I have met some amazing people through these sites and have some great relationships with these folks both online and in real life.

Here is the problem. My relationship with my one TRUE fan is suffering. And it all came to a head this past weekend.

We have not had the most fabulous 2011 so far. I have been laid up twice since January with injury or surgery and our household routine was basically thrown out the window because of this. And not to mention that recovering from two consecutive leg injuries does not make it easy to be uhm....sexy.... with your husband, so there is that too.

I have also made a big effort updating my website and my blog this year (what else was I supposed to do when I was all laid up!!) and that takes time (especially the damn SEO part)!

So, here is what a typical day has looked like for a while around here.

Mama gets woken up at 6 AM every day by a toddler looking for a boob wakes up.

Make breakfast for the kids, get everyone dressed, check email/Facebook/Twitter while kids are eating.

Forget to eat MY breakfast.

Take C to school.

Come home or head to Cafe O'Play for 1.5 hours so L can play and I can blog/update SEO/add website content.

Pick up C from school.

Home for lunch and some playtime.

Naptime for the kids (yes, they both still nap)!!

Back ONLINE to check Twitter/Facebook and answer messages and emails.

Kids get up, more playtime.

Get dinner ready.

Natural Urban Dad comes home and kids attack him and then go crazy for an hour!! (Does this happen to everyone's kids at this witching hour?)

Cajole and bribe 4 year old and 2 year old to Eat Dinner.

Bathtime and bedtime routine.

Kids try to stay up and find every excuse possible not to go to sleep.

Natural Urban Dad walks the dog.

I grab my computer and engage and check in with my Facebook and Twitter community for chats and the rush hour(s) of online traffic.

Or we watch TV and I have my iPhone beside me to stay 'connected' to everyone online so I don't 'miss' anything.

Natural Urban Dad goes to bed.

I do not, for at least another hour. I work and write and tweet and I like to watch Jon Stewart on The Daily Show at midnight.

And then I go to bed.

AND....repeat.

So, as you can clearly see, I need to do better here. I need to realize who and what my priorities are and be present for my family and for my husband FIRST.

Here is part of the problem as I see it. Natural Urban Dad does not GET social media. Yes, he has a Facebook account, but he checks it maybe once a month. He does not get that what I am doing on Twitter and on Facebook is working, he hears me laughing at a tweet or watching a YouTube video that someone posted and to him it looks like I am just having fun (with everyone else but him).

Social Media is about making connections, building relationships and growing your brand. It truly is networking gold for small business owners, especially those not afraid to JUMP right in!

But here it is...

You need to use it RIGHT! I personally need to start setting limits for myself and sticking to them. You can read a whole slew of other great tips here for managing your time online. Natural Urban Dad and I had a big LONG intervention talk about all of this the other night and we have some new grown-up rules that we are going to be applying around here (dedicated US time every night, a strict bedtime together and a ban on anyone being online during family time).

I leave you now with this video. It is bloody hilarious and hit a little too close to home for me this week.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQ8AUBn-4DY]

And it is now bedtime, so I bid you all a very good night.

Now, after you read this of course....turn of your computer/iPad/iPhone/BB and GO to bed and hug your spouse/partner/kid/dog!

XO,

Natasha~

Scrubber Sponges, Chinese Philosophy and my husband...

We sort of have an unwritten rule in our house, no writing about Natural Urban Dada. I am a blogger, yes, and I am very open about my feelings and my life here, but he has veto power about anything that crosses that unwritten "line in the sand" and is about him. Today however, he has given me carte blanche to blog about him! (It may not be exactly what he had in mind).

This was our conversation last night as I was cleaning up and washing dishes after dinner.

"What are you doing? Why do you wash away all the soap you just put on the scrubber? Wha....You just did it again!"

"Whatever, the dishes get cleaned don't they?", I said glibly.

"But, you aren't doing it right. You're wasting too much soap and water. I can't believe you call yourself green!"

"I just do it differently than you."

"No, you do it wrong. Put the soap on the sponge part and let it run through to the scrub side. I need a blog, then maybe I can educate more people like you about how to do things properly."

At this point I put the soap on the sponge as he has instructed me and say (with not a hint of sarcasm, I swear), "You mean like this honey?"

"Yes, that is better. I'll just stand here and watch for a bit and make sure you are doing it right."

And so I humor him and do it 'the right way' while he is watching. He eventually walks away  shaking his head and muttering something about "it just makes sense, I don't understand..."

Here is the thing. My husband and I have very different ways of doing things. Pretty much ALL things. I mean fundamentally we have the same values and morals and all that, but we are pretty much exact opposites on the surface.

I am loud and extroverted. He is not.

I cry at the drop of a dime. He never cries (not once in the 11 years I have known him or according to him, not since Spock uttered those classic words to Kirk in Wrath of Khan "I have been and always shall be your friend.")

I like to pile my clothes on the chair in the corner of our room. He puts his away right away.

I cook and make a mess and THEN clean up when I am finished. He likes to clean as he goes.

I never go to the bathroom with the door closed. He never goes with it open. EVER.

I would go happily pack up the kids and the dog and go on a two week camping trip through the Rockies. He would happily book a hotel with running water, toilets and little to no risk of ants in his bed.

I need to be able to have a fight and get out my emotions and let it go. He needs to figure out what his feelings are, go away and assess for a while and then discuss. (This is very frustrating BTW!!)

Maybe part of the reason we are so different has to do with our upbringing. Him by a very typical Chinese Tiger Mom, and me by more of a "Single with 4 kids trying to keep a roof over our heads" Mom. Both ways seem to have had good results. He is a very driven man, who works hard to provide for his family and knows how to clean a toilet (score!). And I am a very strong-willed woman, who has learned a lot the hard way and knows that I could do it all by myself if I had to, but am so, so grateful that I do not!

I am not sure why or how we work, but we do. We complement each other and we balance each other out. And it seems to be working well. We have managed to stay together for 11 years, we still laugh at each others jokes and maybe sometimes just at each other and we are very much in love.

Wikipedia describes Yin and Yang as this:

Yin yang are complementary opposites that interact within a greater whole, as part of a dynamic system. Everything has both yin and yang aspects, but either of these aspects may manifest more strongly in particular objects and situations, and may ebb or flow over time.

So as the water was flowing over the dishes, and we were having the silly discussion about my scrubber-sponge technique, it was all good. Because tomorrow, or maybe the next day my Yin will manifest more strongly and ebb all over his neat-freak Yang butt!

Natasha~