Being a feminist is hard... or is it?
Staying warm is hard too!
Sometimes being a feminist is hard. I mean outside of the obvious stuff like the continual oppression and marginalization of women, our bodies, our opinions and all that. I am talking about the other stuff.
The things that I used to be able to enjoy because of a deliberate ignorance or wilful blindness to how it made women look or feel. Oh, yes, I hear you Katy Perry and even you Madonna, and you too, Juliette Binoche. There are days when it totally sucks to be a feminist.
Like when that new song by Maroon 5 comes on the radio, and I really do like that Adam Levine and his ability to pull off skin tight pleather and make it look sexy as hell, and then I listen a bit closer and catch the drift of the lyrics and it all seems rather aggressively stalker-ish to me. And then I watch the video and IT IS ABSOLUTELY ABOUT CREEPY STALKER ADAM! I get that it is art and meant to provoke and blah, blah, blah, but why does so much art always have to have as its subject the terrorizing, objectification, and/or attacking of women?
Or like when everyone is going on and on about how they can't wait for their annual viewing of everyone's favourite holiday movie, Love Actually, and all I can think of is how every single story line in that movie trots out a tired old misogynistic trope of the female movie character and none of the story lines has a women as the MAIN focus. Not once does this movie even veer in the vicinity of the Bechdel Test. Emma Thompson is the tired housewife whose husband is on the verge of cheating on her and she just has to suck it up like a good girl. Hugh Grant, charming as he is, has a crush on the "chubby" girl from the wrong side of the tracks. The weird and twisted obsession that Andrew Lincoln's character has with his best friend's wife - and then she KISSES him? Laura Linney may have a pseudo-main-story line, but it is just so bloody painful to watch, as she sacrifices any happiness of her own for her brother. And the "I'm going to America to get me some hot girls", well... do I really have to say anything about that story line?
These days, the only thing that saves the movie just a teeny bit for me is the relationship that Martin Freeman and Joanna Page strike up in the most awkward of circumstances and the fact that little Jojen Reed (Thomas Brodie-Sangster) looks like a ginger version of my kid. So, fine, I'll watch it. BUT, I am not going to like it that much and I will be rolling my eyes A LOT!
Being a feminist is hard when I am trying to watch a Disney movie with my kids. I grew up with Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty. I know all the words to all the songs for all the movies, I had a MAJOR crush on the Beast when he changed back to the handsome prince and have always loved the idea of having a Fairy Godmother to look out for me. Nowadays though, things are different. And even though I don't actually do this (for fear that they may never want to watch a movie with me again), I feel like I should be pausing these movies every few minutes for short feminist lessons. NO, it is not right that the Beast took Belle away from her father and locked her up - that's called kidnapping and it is illegal. NO, what Ursula is saying to Ariel is not the way to "get a guy to love you". Actually... let's just fast forward this whole bit.... because it is really quite awful. And while Frozen may have it's own feminist issues and is not perfect, Anna is right - you really CAN NOT marry a man you just met that day!
Now, of course I know that these instances of hardship while being feminist are not actually that hard. That there are women who have been murdered because of the simple fact that female is their gender, that being a woman and having an opinion on something makes you a target for threats and hate these days. That there still exists a pay gap between men and women doing the exact same job and that for most girls and women in the world, an education is a privilege and not a right.
But those little things, they do matter too. The choices that we make every day add up. Not listening to or buying music that is clearly about violence towards women is a choice you can make. Choosing to watch movies with your kids that don't relay the tired old messages of the prince saving the princess or that girls being pretty (or boys being strong and hard) is all that is needed to succeed, is a choice you can make. Saying something to that friend who is making a really sexist joke at a party, is a choice you can make. Supporting organizations that are working to provide education for girls around the world is a choice you can make.
It is not actually that hard to be a feminist. Because if you believe that all people are entitled to the same civil rights and liberties and can be intellectual equals regardless of gender, then guess what? You are a feminist.
Yes, some issues or habits or things that you used to not really care about, or perhaps didn't pay attention to or think about that deeply are going to come up right in your face and make you question both yourself and whatever that thing is. And while this may suck for a bit, trust me, in the end, we will all be better for it!
N~
Feminist Fare Friday: The Christmas Gift Guide Edition
Everyone's got one.
A Christmas Gift Guide that is.
I've got a few ideas that I hope you'll like, and that may make that someone special on your list very, very happy this coming Christmas morning.
So, without further ado, I am going to don my helper shopping elf hat, put on my sparkly shoes and get to it!
(Disclaimer: I have not received compensation for any of these recommendations, they are simply products/people/companies that I think are awesome.)
1. CanvasPop
CanvasPop is a Canadian company that will take any digital file (Instagram, Facebook photos, or from your camera/computer file) and make it into a brilliant piece of artwork for your walls. Get those great shots off your camera and Instagram feeds and display them on your walls. You can make a collage, do a tryptich of canvases, or think big and do a whole gallery wall or series of canvases. They even include the hanging hardware and those little bumper thingies with all of their canvases (it's the little things that make me such a fan). I have one huge wall in our Natural Urban Home that will soon be covered with 6 new canvases and I can't wait to see how it is going to look when they are all hung! And did I mention that their customer service is beyond exceptional? I had already received 3 of the canvases and while the quality of the printing and craftsmanship was excellent, I wasn't 100% satisfied with the size that I had ordered. I called them to see what could be done and within minutes, I had new proofs to approve, a small charge to my Paypal account and new canvases being reprinted for me, exactly as I want them!
If you use this link to order from CanvasPop you'll get a sweet little discount too!
2. Lostmy.Name
For the past few weeks I have been seeing the Facebook ads for this company popping up all over my timeline. I eventually clicked on it one day and it took me to the website where I discovered these super sweet personalized story books.
I love that this is a company of dads (and an uncle), that they started this as a DIY project, and that they are making magic and memories for kids all over the world. I have ordered one for my daughter and one for my nephew and can't wait to see the look on their faces when they realize that the books are about them! And bonus feature for bilingual kids, you can also order the books in French, Spanish and Dutch. You've still got a few days to get your order in for Christmas as the cut-off date is December 9th.
I have been a fan of this local #YEG company for years. They are one of the main reasons I visit our downtown Farmer's Market so often in the summer and because of those visits, The Consort and I have a nice little collection of their wearable art in our wardrobes. The two talented women behind Salgado Fenwick make t-shirts, sweatshirts, leggings and pillows featuring their original hand-drawn artwork. Everything is silkscreened in small batches right here in Edmonton, Alberta and sold online, at craft fairs, and at their newly opened brick and mortar store as well. I love that each season they create a new and limited edition collection and I know that I'll continue to add to ours as the years go by! Local, wearable, art - the trifecta of reasons to shop with them!
I call her Zena, eagle warrior.
Last weekend I attended the Royal Bison Art & Craft Fair and stumbled upon these soaps. The Consort is a notoriously hard man to buy for, as he is always saying things like, "I don't need anything" and "Don't worry about me"... Why doesn't he understand that I LIKE TO GIVE GIFTS! Anywho.... the one thing he does like is soap, nice smelling, manly soap. And you can't get any more manly then these BROBRICKS. With names like Cedar & Beer, Barber Shop, and Leather Scrub and a tag line that says "Smack the Filth Off!", you really can't go wrong putting a few of these in your man-dude's stocking this year!
BroBrick Soaps
5. One Red Bead
My friend Mandy is an inspiration to me and many others as well. She is also one of the driving forces behind the India Nepal Yoga Project, a grassroots organization that is working to heal the wounds of trafficked girls and women in that part of the world. One of the missions of the INYP is to assist in the creation of sustainable means for the financial future of those effected by trafficking and HIV/AIDS. On her most recent trip in Nepal, Mandy had a dream one night about one red balloon. The next day, after some brainstorming with the INYP group and the residents of an HIV/Aids hospice, they came up with the idea that blossomed into ONE RED BEAD.
One Red Bead
The red tibetan healing bead is crafted from yak bone and is representative of the precious girl, affected by the devastation that is human trafficking and HIV/AIDS. Not only do the women feel a sense of pride and purpose in hand-crafting these wonderful bracelets, but the bracelet itself offers awareness, hope and support. 100% of the profit from the sale of these bracelets goes directly to help those living with HIV/AIDS and girls rescued from trafficking. This is the kind of giving that truly makes Christmas wonderful. Give a beautiful gift to someone you love and give the gift of hope to a girl or woman a world away. Order HERE.
There you have it folks.
The 2014 Stay at Home Feminist Christmas Gift Guide!
Now, go get that shopping done so that everything arrives in time.
Merry, Happy!
Natasha*
notice anything?
I kinda moved.
I have been dreaming about having my site professionally designed for the last few years and I finally decided that this was the year to do it. And I knew from the get-go who I wanted to design it for me.
After a couple of very tangential Skype conversations with the uber-talented Elan Morgan of Schmutzie.com (we tend to catch up/shop/talk about ALL THE THINGS when we "see" each other), she managed to piece together the actual website designing parts of our "meetings" and build me a website that is SO MUCH ME, I seriously can't stop smiling when I look at it!
MY "LOOK AT MY NEW SITE" PERMA-GRIN!
Welcome to my new home on the internet. I really hope you like it as much as I do, although I am not sure if that is entirely possible, because I love, love, LOVE it!
Have a peek around. You can find past posts by Month, Tags or Categories by clicking on the picture of my little family of shadows, learn all kinds of quirky things about me by clicking on my lovely selfie (taken in the restroom at the Cookoo in Coombs Trattoria & Pizzaria restaurant because I was having a really good hair day!) and be sure to Subscribe to get new posts delivered right to your email or RSS feed by clicking on the kids and their real life hungry, hungry caterpillar friend!
Yesterday I wrote the Stay at Home Feminist's Christmas Gift Guide post and was all set to publish it on my Wordpress site as a kind of last hurrah over there. And then, like some kind of karmic message from the internet, WP ate my post. I guess it was just not meant to be anymore. As you can see, I am now working and writing on Squarespace and I am excited to figure out all the cool things that I can do on this platform.
Right now I am re-writng the Christmas Gift Guide and it will be posted tomorrow for Feminist Fare Friday.
Until then, Subscribe! Catch up on posts you've missed and please leave me (and Elan) comments and feedback on my new internet home!
'Til tomorrow!
Natasha~
Days that don't suck are a good thing.
Late last night I got an email from the little one's teacher asking if I could step in for a field trip in the morning. I knew Little L would be thrilled and so I agreed and then surprised her this morning when I told her I would be going on the trip with her class today. Of course, then I looked outside and saw the foot and a half of snow that we had to navigate through to actually get to school. I realized that the last time I was on a yellow school bus in a snow storm was sometime in late 1989 when my bus got stranded and stuck in traffic for 5 hours on our way home from school. This was going to be interesting.
And yet, despite the odds against us, the snowpocalypse, 50+ six year olds Grade One students going to see the ballet, and no time for me to get a coffee, it went remarkably well. My kid has the best teacher (I am not kidding, she is amazing and I am seriously worried that my kids are going to peak with their best teacher in Grade 1), and she had her class of 20 kids running like a well-oiled and extremely colourful snow-geared-up machine.
The ballet itself was so much fun. It was a production/adaptation of The Night Before Christmas put on by the students of Vimy Ridge Academy and I was incredibly impressed by the caliber of dance and performance that these kids have.
I watched Little L from my seat at the end of our aisle. She was the one kid who sat on the very edge of her seat, who clapped the loudest, and who noticed little details like the different costumes and different music used by the contemporary dancers versus the ballet dancers. I saw in her eyes that her love of dance is thoroughly entrenched and my life as a dance mom is all but inevitable.
After everyone had been safely bussed back to school and to a much needed "collation" (that's French for snack), I made a snap decision to go to the mall and check out Black Friday at a few of my favourite stores. It was a gamble to be sure; would I even make it there with the streets covered in snow? Would I find parking? How bad were the lines and how good were the sales?
In the end it was all worth it. I found a decent parking spot, the mall was surprisingly not as busy as I expected, and after circling Anthropologie a few times, I asked a sales person to find my lobster, the one item that I have been coveting in the catalogue for the past few months. She found it. I bought it - at 25% off too - and my day was officially made!
I am not sure what to call her yet (I am leaning towards Frida), but I do think I may be developing a little bit of a throw pillow problem...
Today was one of those days. One that defies (bad) expectations. One in which it feels like time is on your side, that there is plenty of it, and that all will be good in the world.
At least for today.
n~
folding to the panic and chaos
Last night, everything kind of hit me all at once. Some things I can talk and write about, others I can not.
I am trying to take care of everyone and everything and starting to feel very overwhelmed.
There is just too much going on and not enough of me to go around...
My reserves are severely tapped. I feel as if I am driving an old beat up car and just filling it up $5.00 at a time and never running on a full tank.
This is not a good way to live.
I spend my days daydreaming of sleeping for a whole day (or a whole weekend). Of taking off to a far away island somewhere to stand in the sun, like some kind of mom-version of Olivia Pope. Of not having to worry about anyone or anything for just a few hours.
It just doesn't seem to be the year for that.
We are in the height of flu season, I have had a head cold for over a week that I just can't shake, and I am perpetually paranoid about passing any kind of respiratory illness to my son. I know I am going to have a giant panic attack the day he gets his next fever and while I rationally know that this is ridiculous and that he will be fine, it's not something I can get away from yet.
Yesterday, he had a follow up appointment with the audiologist. It's an almost 2 hour appointment and halfway into the second hour, my phone rang. It was the kid's school. They were sending my daughter to the office and asking me to come pick her up because she had a fever and a tummy ache.
I froze. I didn't know what to do. I was on the other side of town, finding out that my son's hearing is not improving and may, for some reason, be getting worse, and my daughter was at school with a fever and a tummy ache and historically, these symptoms usually precede some kind of expelling of bodily fluids. I am fully aware that I have had far worse days than yesterday, and some quite recently, but it was just all too much. We cut the audiology appointment short and promised to follow up on another day for the debriefing part. We made it to the school within 25 minutes and I found her with a warm forehead, red cheeks, and a rumbling tummy, waiting quietly for me in the office. We all went home, changed into our pyjamas, laid out some towels on top of the bed (just in case) and had a nap.
Well, that was my plan at least. The kids "napped" for all of 15 minutes and then went off to play and demand things like snacks and Netflix access and reading of books and a bunch of other things that were not SLEEPING. And damn it, I was just so tired (and a certain someone got over her feverishness very quickly).
After dinner, The Consort and I managed to get the kids to bed early and then I planted myself in front of the TV in the living room and settled in for my version of a soothing, brainless, providing-order-when-I-feel-surrounded-by-chaos, activity: folding laundry. I sat and folded and surrounded myself with neat little piles of my family's perfectly folded wardrobes and felt a calm descend upon me.
And then I decided to watch Benjamin Button and cried all the tears.
{Sigh}
Maybe I should just take up colouring like my friend Elan has.
n~
Two things.
I spent the day in a room full of babies and baby carriers today at a local Babywearing Swap & Shop organized by a friend of mine. I had a bin full of demo carriers left over from my personal babywearing stash, the Natural Urban Mamas store and my babywearing educator days. I took along The Little Lady and we set up our table (she brought two of her doll carriers to sell) for a day of babywearing and de-stashing. This event confirmed a few things for me.
The first, is that I really am done with that phase of my life.
I don't long to hold every baby that comes my way, although I'll gladly do so if you need me to. I don't look at mamas with beautiful blossoming bellies and instinctively touch my own and wonder what it would be like again. Neither my ovaries, nor my boobs, feel any kind of twinge-ing or tingling when I hear a baby coo or cry. And surprisingly, I no longer yearn for the days of wearing my babies anymore - although I am almost 99% sure that my daughter would jump at the chance if I offered.
It's officially official. I am done with babyhood. So much so, that I didn't even wrap a baby on myself today OR take a babywearing selfie!
The second thing that was confirmed for me today, is that I am still really good at two things: educating and selling.
I love the look on a parent's face when I am able to show them how to use a carrier properly and it's like a whole new world has opened up for them. Or when a mama tells me that she has a ring sling, but her baby hates it and then I tweak it just a bit (upright positioning people!) and again that "OMG, I had no idea!" face happens. The best one today was the sweet, 8-week old, baby girl who fell asleep within 10 seconds of being put into a wrap carrier for the first time. That was the easiest $100 bucks I have ever made! Well, except for that one time at... oh, never mind. ;)
Sales has always been something that I am good at. In retail, as a pharmaceutical sales rep, and as an online boutique owner, it's just kind of what I do, and do really well. I catch myself doing it even when I am not making any money at it! Did I ever tell you about that time when we where building our first home and I spent a day at the show home office and sold two houses for our builder? Yup, that happened.
I once attended a brilliant talk by Arlene Dickinson (I highly recommend you go see her speak if you ever get the chance). Arlene talks about how marketing is all about story telling and there is a very good reason that Arlene is as successful as she is, she is a DAMN GOOD story teller! Sales is a bit different though. Selling is about listening to another person's story and asking questions and then finding the right product to fit into that story. Sometimes that product is what you have on your table and sometimes it isn't and you have to send them somewhere else to find what they need. To me, THAT is the sign of a good salesperson. Remember that next time you are shopping and/or trying to sell something.
~~~~~
It's nice to have days that affirm certain aspects of your life for you.
It feels good to not have that nagging feeling of what if following you around and taking your focus away from the currently IS.
It's also nice to have that "I've still got it" feeling too.
Now, I've just got to figure out how to work what I've still got into where I am now in my life...
That's the next challenge.
n~
Feminist Fare Friday: the Neil's Mom ROCKs! edition.
Somehow it is Friday yet again. I swear this week started super slow and then BAM! Friday, just like that. For the record, I am not complaining, just perhaps noticing the passing of time going way faster. Maybe that's what happens as we age, time seems to move differently.
Anywhooo... that's perhaps an existential discussion for another time.
Let's get to it.
~~~~~~
1. Neil Kramer is a fellow writer, Instagrammer and sometimes tweeter who asked his mom this past week if she is a feminist. He recorded this conversation and shared it on his blog, Citizen of the Month and over at The Broad Side. Here is a snippet for you.... Please go read the rest. I officially love Neil's Mom and look forward to meeting her one day.
Me: Will you vote for a woman president?
Me: Do you think a feminist should look a certain way? Like not wear lipstick or shave her legs?
Me: And what do you think about the different roles of mothers and fathers?
Mom: Well, I do believe that a parent should stay at home with a young child.
Me: Aha! Gotcha! So, you think a mother should stay at home?
~~~~~
2. Oh Barbie. Trying so hard to be whatever she wants to be and show girls that they can be that too, but still managing to somehow fuck it all up. In the latest instalment of Mattel trying to get us to believe that Barbie is actually a good role model for girls, comes the incredibly disappointing "Barbie, I can be a computer engineer" book.
~~~~~
3. Kim Kardashian was all over the internet last week trying to break it with her beautiful butt. But as any breastfeeding mom who has ever posted a picture on social media knows, you just have to be a woman being a woman to do that! Jessica Martin-Weber breaks it down for us in her HuffPo Parents piece this week:
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4. I've been thinking about the whole #Shirtstorm thing all week and trying to wrap my head around it. I mean in the grand scheme of things, ie: landing a spacecraft on a moving comet, it really did seem like it shouldn't have been such a big deal. And then I read the line below in a post on the blog Women in Astronomy and two things became very clear to me... 1) It was not and never has been about the damn shirt! and 2) I still have so much ingrained sexism to unlearn in this life.
N~
Measuring
The list of my city's Top 40 under 40 came out this month and I know about eight people on the list. Young, ambitious, go-getters, doing good things for our city and for the world, and all that jazz. And as I read the write ups on all of them, all I could feel was, "SHIT! Most of these folks are 10 years younger than me, what the heck have I done with my life?" I had to stop for a minute and think of what I have done with my life.
I put myself through university, paid off my student loans (eventually), had a successful career in the Pharmaceutical industry, jointly saved up and paid for our destination wedding, designed and built THREE houses in the past 10 years, birthed two children, started my own business, helped to create a community of and for like-minded parents online, (re)discovered my love of writing and embraced my feminist self. And all of this life experience, I am using to continue to write and opine and educate (myself and others) through my blog and on social media. It's really not that bad of a list... so far.
So much of what we do and see and say these days is so outwardly focused. We are online throughout our days seeing what other people are saying and doing, waiting to find out what the "right" response should be about world events and news, what charity to support, whose bandwagon to jump on this week, what new fandangle all the cool kids are doing (um... hello Ello!). It can get a bit overwhelming and sometimes even depressing, especially when we start feeling like we don't measure up to the these standards of success or status or "coolness" that we have given credence to.
One of the major lessons that I have learned in my life, and to be honest, probably just in the last few years (so, that would be AFTER 40) is that making a difference in the world or in someone's life, is not about doing the "volunteer all your time, give all your money, go to al the GALAs and do all the FLASHY things" stuff. It is about finding what speaks to your heart, being true to yourself, setting healthy boundaries and not living within a framework of fear, shame, and scarcity - which too often seem to be the default settings for many in our world.
It's the scarcity one that gets me all the time though. You may be more familiar with it as, " I am not ___________ enough.". And it is statements like these that can send me into a tailspin of self-doubt and negative self-talk faster than a room full of toddlers an hour after eating red-icing covered cupcakes. It is what happened as I was reading all the Top 40 nominees and their long lists of accomplishments. It's what happens when I read bios for other bloggers and presenters at social media conferences and yes, it even happens on the playground or school yard when I start hearing about all the extra curricular activities and programs other families have their kids enrolled in. I get out my imaginary measuring stick and it all goes downhill from there.
I sometimes feel like the scarcity issue is a double-edged sword too. One doesn't want to seem too cocky about oneself either and be all, I am enough, I have enough, I DO enough. Especially if there are those around you who actually don't have enough. There's this feeling that lurks around telling us that if we are TOO happy, then there must something wrong with us. This results in conversations that turn into a competition for who can out-misery the other. "Your kids won't eat their lunches? Well, that's nothing, MINE will only eat peanut butter, from the jar, with a special spoon." "You think you are busy with your two kids in hockey? HA! I have to balance hockey, piano lessons, KUMON classes AND gymnastics for three kids." In the end, there really are no winners in a misery war.
The thing with these imaginary measuring sticks is this. One - they are IMAGINARY! And two - there is no standard length for them. Everyone's is different and all of these things that we feel the need to measure: happiness, success, business, balance, etc..., they are subjective. Someone having a REALLY good day and saying so on Facebook, doesn't mean that your day is bad. Someone getting a writing gig with a magazine, while you still trudge away writing on your little blog doesn't mean that your writing sucks. And someone whose kids do ALL THE THINGS, doesn't mean that their kids are any happier than or are "getting an edge over", your kids. What all of this means is simply, different strokes for different folks.
I am sitting here looking over the Top 40 list again and doing so from a slightly different angle. One where I am not in the picture. One where I can be proud of the young, vibrant voices of the women and men that live and work in my community and my city and that are putting it on the map for the world to see.
I am putting away my measuring stick. Or repurposing it. I think I'll make it into my new walking stick and I'll take it with me along this path that is MY life. One in which I really am enough. One where I will walk beside my fellow humans, who also have their own walkings sticks. Some taller than mine, some made of a different wood, some decorated with fancy inlayed beads. And all the while, while we may admire each other's sticks, I'll know that my own stick is the one that keeps me upright, helps me navigate my footing in this world and is the one that is perfect, that is ENOUGH, for me.
n~