seven year old me
You know the old adage, "Fake it till you make it"? Well, this week, I have come to the conclusion that while this can be a motivating and confidence building statement for some, I think it can be a dangerously slippery slope as well. How do you know when you've made it? When do you stop faking it? What if you have done some form of faking it your whole life and are at a point where you can't differentiate the real you from the fake you? What if faking it was a coping mechanism you needed to use in the past to get yourself through difficult circumstances, and now this kind of behaviour no longer serves you? What do you do when you've been faking it for so long, that you end up constantly feeling like you are a fraud? Like you don't truly belong. Like your just not supposed to be or to be doing {insert almost ANYTHING here}.
I feel this sense of unease in my world. Every. Single. Day.
When I go to the pool to swim lengths and choose the "fast" swimming lane, I am on edge waiting for the lifeguard to come over and tell me that I can't be in that lane, that I am not "fast" enough.
I call myself a feminist, a writer, and an advocate for women and children and yet, I live in constant fear that someone is going to call me out and say, "Na-uh, not so fast there chickie." I fear that people are going to see right through me and know that I am a capital F, fraud.
I am extremely sensitive to 'The Rules' and terrified of getting in trouble for breaking them. My daughter and I were at the library the other day, enjoying some quiet time together, choosing books, watching the babies cooing and drooling in their Baby Lap-Time program and playing a few games on the library computer. Two police officers walked in and instead of pointing out to my daughter that the police are helpers and protectors, I said, "Uh-oh, the police are here, what did you do?" Because that is how my brain works. My first thought was that I had actually done something wrong. That my car was illegally parked or I had committed some other imagined transgression that required police intervention. That I did something wrong.
There is a deeply set pathway in my brain that lets me think all of these things and yesterday, talking this out with my therapist, I figured out when this pathway was established and why. I truly can not remember a time in my life when I didn't feel like an outsider and there has never been a time that I have ever felt in with whatever "IN" crowd there is. I have always felt "other", on the fringe, trying to fit in, but never quite getting there.
Yesterday, I was reunited with seven year old me. She's a beautiful kid, but so, so scared. Her life has just been turned upside down. Her parents separated without any warning, she moved from a small town to a big city and she transferred from an even smaller school to one where she was quite literally thrown into a french-immersion program with kids who have already been together for four years. She has a mom who is working nights and a grandmother who expects a lot from her. She has three younger siblings to help take care of and she has no one to talk to about all of this. She's struggling to fit in at school, but kids are mean and they make fun of her for not knowing the language and for crying a lot. She's trying to understand why her family doesn't live with her daddy anymore, but no one is telling her anything other than he just didn't want them anymore. She feels alone, scared, and not sure exactly where she belongs.
MRquote
Yesterday was a day full of sharp pains. I joked with my therapist that she should gauge the level of success of a session based on how many used tissues are in the small garbage can beside her couch. It was empty when I arrived and at least half-full when I left. I cried tears of pain for seven year old me, tears of frustration and brutal self-awareness for 42 year old me and then I simply couldn't turn them off. Years of feeling like I don't belong, like I am faking it and yet, not quite making it (ie, I am not 'enough'), poured out of me. Yesterday, I talked to that little seven year old me and told her she does in fact belong somewhere and that somewhere was with me. That I am here for her, that is is OK to be scared and that she is NEVER alone. I gave her the biggest hug I could imagine and just held her {in my heart} for a long time. Both of us crying, filling up that garbage can with soggy tissues, trying to let go of the 35 years of feeling scared and alone and never belonging that stands between us.
I am still processing a lot of what I discovered about myself -both past and present- yesterday and am what some would call 'fragile' at the moment. I prefer to call it real, undeniably messy, definitely not perfect and very, very REAL. (Warning: do not ask me how I am doing, unless you A-have a lot of tissue on you and B-are a hugger). I can't fake it anymore and more importantly, I don't want to. If I don't "make it" (and I am still not exactly sure what that looks like), I think I am OK with that, as long as I continue to be true to myself, to accept where I have been, and to know that I don't have to keep going back and beating myself up for the past or reverting to damaging ways of thinking that don't serve me in my present life. Further understanding of how the pathways in my brain were created and why helps me to be mindful of how I talk to myself, how I react in various situations and how I see myself in my world. There is a powerful lesson to be learned for being gentle on myself as I picture seven year old me (or my own seven year old) and think about the words that I use in my daily self-talk. Because there is no way, that I would ever, EVER tell any child that he or she is stupid, fat, not good enough, not smart enough, not worthy of love or a total FAKE and yet I have said or thought all of these things about myself.
Feminist Fare Friday: Edition #18
A funny thing happens when you decide to quit most of your social media outlets for a month. LIFE.
Or at least one that is your own.
Feminist Fare Fridays has been on a bit of a hiatus this month while I readjusted and re-prioritized and reclaimed MY life. In doing so, I have had time to reflect on how I react to issues and people online, how this can negatively {and positively} affect me and what I want to do about all of it.
What I do know, is that I want to continue with Feminist Fare Fridays and this week I am sharing some of the things that have touched me this past month. Some have enlightened me, some made me think about my choices in life, both big and small, and some are just good food for thought for all of us.
Enjoy.
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1. Privilege. It's something that we hear a lot about these days, but is still often a hard concept for people to A) explain and B) understand. Robot Hugs made this lovely little comic strip about 'Managing Privilege' that is, in my opinion, rather brilliant. I think everyone should read it.
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2. I am not a religious person. I believe in God, but over the years, our relationship has become complicated. I grew up in a very Catholic household and Jesus and his teachings were in everything. They are a part of me, even though it is a part I don't talk about a lot. And never, ever, EVER, in all those years of church going and altar serving and Sunday schooling, did I hear from him or his Father, "Thou shalt not bake for the homosexuals!" In fact, I am pretty sure Jesus probably would have turned some boring unleavened bread into a fabulous rainbow cake, because, you know, he was JESUS! With no intent of getting preachy on you, I thought I would share what Rachel Held Evans has to say about the very strong Christian belief in "religious freedom" and the "threats" to it and what everyone needs to remember about what Jesus did for ALL people and what he called us to do too.
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3. This weekend is Oscar weekend and I have seen NONE of the films in the Best Picture category and THREE of the five in the Best Animated Film category.This qualifies as a "You know you are a mom when..." moment and I'm gonna go with Frozen as my pick for that one. As for the Best Picture category, all I really hope is that Wolf of Wall Street does not win. No, I have not seen the movie, I don't need to see it to know the kind of utter devastation Jordan Belfort wreaked on people's lives. The movie seems like a celebration, not a condemnation of Belfort's behaviour and Tom Watson ponders the question for the Ms. Magazine blog; "Is a vote for Leo's "Wolf" a vote for sexism?" I can't help but think that yes, yes it is.
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4. When was the last time someone gave you a compliment and you simply looked them in the eye and said "Thank you"? It's tough right? How often do you instead, say something along the lines of "Oh, this old thing?" when someone tells you they like your shirt or "I didn't do a thing to it today" when someone comments on how great your hair looks. I know I do this ALL. THE. TIME. Michelle Cove writing for Blogher tells us why learning to accept a compliment is an important lesson to teach our daughters {and ourselves}:
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5. March 8th, 2014 is International Women's Day. I will be celebrating women around the world by watching the documentary film Girl Rising and then listening to the incredible Laverne Cox {yes, THAT Laverne Cox from OITNB!!). I can't think of a better way to spend that day! If you want to join me for either of these events in Edmonton, please comment on my "The Value of a Girl" post to win tickets to Girl Rising or check out the Facebook event pages for Girl Rising Edmonton or the Laverne Cox presentation sponsored by the University of Alberta's Gender Based Violence Prevention Project.
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Have a wonderful weekend everyone!
Stay warm Prairie folks. :/
natasha~
the value of a girl
Last night I registered my 5 yr old girl for soccer. I registered her brother too, but for now let's just think about her. She started Kindergarten this past September. Five days a week, for half a day, she is at school, learning, playing, having a healthy snack,and doing a whole lot of other things with a classroom of other girls and boys. Where we live, school is not a get to do thing, it is a must do thing for all children, whether you do so in the public school system, at a private school or through homeschooling or another alternative learning program. School for our kids, for our girls, is simply a given in our lives.
This is not the case in a lot of other parts of our world. I know that you know this, but think for a minute about your own daughter at 5 or 6 years old and then, instead of sending her to school, think about sending her out to walk MILES every day to get clean water for your family. Think about arranging a marriage for your 11 or 13 year old daughter. Think about there being no time for school in your daughter's day because she is a bonded servant (fancy name for slave) for your rich neighbours. It's all rather unthinkable right?
And yet for many, MANY girls in our world, this is their reality. For millions of girls the world over, education is a privilege - often a hard fought one (think Malala) - not a right. Girls around the world face barriers to education that boys do not. Barriers such as early marriage, gender-based violence, domestic slavery and sex-trafficking. Removing these barriers not only means a better life for these girls, it means a safer and more prosperous world for all. And the solution to removing them is simple: educate girls.
Educated girls stand up for their rights, marry and have children later, educate their own children, and their families and communities thrive. Educating girls can break cycles of poverty in just one generation.
GirlRising is a global campaign for girls education. It is a documentary film, it's a movement, it's a powerful teaching tool and it's a call to action for policy makers and educators and change-makers and regular everyday people the world over. GirlRising's mission is to change the way the world values a girl. ALL girls.
The powerful Girl Rising documentary is a feature film about nine girls across the world demonstrating inspiring strength and spirit and who are all fighting in various ways for their voices to be heard, for their education and for a better life for all girls.
[youtube]http://youtu.be/BJsvklXhYaE[/youtube]
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Join me and Girl Rising Edmonton on International Women's Day, Saturday, March 8th, 2014 for a special screening of this powerful documentary. Details and tickets can be found here.
For two of you, I have a t-shirt and 2 ticket combo prize to give away! Comment below and let me know what Girl Rising and educating girls means to you! Winners will be chosen at random on March 5th, 2014.
Because...
Rise up les filles!
Natasha~
Why do we fall?
I live with superheroes. Seriously, I literally have superheroes all over my house.
A life-sized Captain America shield - check. Thor's Hammer - check. Collectors edition Superman and Spiderman figurines - check. Silver Surfer doing a drop-in off the top of my bed - check. And this is not even the tip of the superhero iceberg. There are toys, lego sets, books, anthologies, DVDs and boxes full of vintage comic books.
All of this is my husband's doing. He grew up reading comic books with his father and brother and learning life lessons from his heroes. He is now passing down that love and those lessons to our children and I have to admit, to me as well.
So, it came as no surprise to me that in thinking about vulnerability and doing some of the "homework" assignments for the Brene Brown Gifts of Imperfection course that I am doing, that one particular lesson from a superhero movie came to mind.
I have been taking a wee break from some of my social media sites this month and have had some time to really think about what effect social media has on me personally. Specifically, I have been staying off of Twitter and severely limiting my time on Facebook and Instagram. The effects of this tiny break have already been seen by my family and have given me some new perspective on how I interact and with whom on the internet.
There has been much written in the past few months about the toxicity of Twitter, especially within the circles of feminism. Michelle Goldberg's piece in The Nation on Feminism's Toxic Twitter Wars set of a veritable toxicity shit-storm across the interwebs and spawned yet another catchy, let's all be sarcastically and aggressively passive aggressive, hashtag called #whitefeministrants. Which, when you sit back and look, in my humble {and yes, white, feminist} opinion, does nothing more than add to the growing vat of toxic "talk" going back and forth. Many a post has been written in response to Goldberg's piece, but what Jessica Wakeman at the Frisky wrote struck me as the closest to the way I see things.
"The toxicity in online feminism contributes to the tuning out of the privileged folks who we all want to be listening. It’s a despairing twist after white feminists have shut out WOC feminist for so long, straight cis women have shut out trans and lesbian women for so long, and men have shut us all out for so long. The solidarity that I believe in is one where we make an effort, for our own betterment and each other’s. It’s one where we listen and learn and don’t jump to conclusions or interpretations of bad faith. It’s one where people who make a good faith effort — be they male or female, straight or gay, cis or trans, white or biracial or WOC — are given the benefit of the doubt. It’s a solidarity that is, above all, kind."
Kindness. There's a thought. What ever happened to that? Can it truly exist online?
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The so-called "Mommy Wars" are waged silently and not so silently all over the place, with judgement canons shot daily from all camps. Gasps of "Oh, no she did not!" and "OMG, I would never" and "what the heck is she trying to prove" are heard/read/interpreted and internalized all over Facebook/Pinterest/Instagram and Twitter. Myths abound about doing it all, having it all and finding that mythical land called "Work-Life-Balance" and/or the peaceful island of "ME-time". Media images of being "mom enough" bomb us from every corner, while various labels of what kind of mom you are make it easy for new recruits to pick a side.
We make fun of celebrities choice of clothing, how much weight they gain during pregnancies and what they name their children. We jump all over a mom who writes a post reflecting her value system when teaching her sons about responsible Facebook use or crucify a woman for breastfeeding a three year old and judge her with ridiculous puritanical outrage while simultaneously 'liking' every naked-but-body-painted Swimsuit Illustrated image. And we @ and hashtag to death anyone who dares write something online (however well-researched it may be) that doesn't somehow address all of our collective experiences, cultures, identities and privilege or lack thereof. Our righteous indignation over the most minute of things becomes entangled with true outrage over really important issues, the result of which is a flattening of our response to people, a deadening of our compassion and a alarming foray away from empathy and kindness towards our fellow humans.
In other words, I can't help but feel like no one is allowed to fall anymore.
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We have to fall. Like Thomas Wayne says, it's the only way we learn how to get back up. We teach this to our kids everyday. When they fall of their bikes, we teach them to brush themselves off, treat that little bit of road rash as a wicked cool battle wound and get back on their bikes. When they don't get something right the first time, we encourage them to try again. To figure out what went wrong and make the necessary changes to do it better. We teach them that anything worth doing takes practice and patience and perseverance and that in the end they will be rewarded for their efforts. We don't expect perfection from them and when they fall -- and they will fall -- we are there to help them up, to show them kindness and compassion and to encourage them to try again.
But if you are a grown up? Well, it seems the world has different expectations past a certain age.
Somehow as grown-ups we are expected to know it all. We are expected to know how to handle any and all people, situations and life events that come our way. We are constantly being told that "we should know better", but not allowed to make the mistakes that would enable us to learn those important lessons of knowing better. We are all human and we make mistakes. We mess up. We say the wrong thing. And sometimes we make the wrong choice. We simply can't know everything about everyone and every situation and so, we fall.
It is in this falling that we learn. We learn more about who we are, we learn more about the people, places and things in our world, and we learn how to get back up and try again, this time with our new knowledge to help guide us. In falling we recognize our own humanity and that we must be kind to ourselves, speak encouraging words to our inner 'kid who just fell off her bike', brush ourselves off, take a deep breath and get back up. And when we see someone else fall, we must resist the urge to point and pass judgement and announce to everyone around us just how bad a fall it was. We must instead, reach out a hand, help them up and recognize ourselves in that person and their fall. We have to let them know that they are not the only ones who fall and practice a level of compassion and kindness that we would want given to us in a similar situation.
In our overly-critical, hyper-sensitive, online world it's very easy to become afraid to fall for fear of the backlash and instant judgement that our connectedness enables. We are afraid to take a stand on something, because it may not be a popular one. Afraid to admit to doing something that breaks the illusion of perfection and put-togetheredness that we feel we must portray for the world. Afraid to call yourself a feminist because, while you believe in equality and the concept of feminism, you do not want to be lumped in with "that" group. Afraid to admit that you sleep with your kid most nights because that is the only way anyone gets any sleep, because that would make you one of those crazy hippy-dippy co-sleeping moms. This fear can be overwhelming for some and I fully admit that I have felt it more lately than at any other time on the internet and it's made me question what I 'put out there'. For the first time in a long time, I am afraid of being vulnerable (of falling) and that is not ME.
In the end, I have to tell myself that all falling really is, is admitting that I don't know it all, that I will always have more to learn in my lives and that it is OK to actually do that. That it is actually imperative for all of us to do that. And yes, sometimes when we fall, we'll get a bit beat up and a bit of road rash under our skin. Those are the battle wounds and scars that remind us of our falls, of how we got back up again and what we learned through it all.
Because really, where would the world be if Bruce Wayne never learned to pick himself up?
Natasha~
Feminist Fare Friday: Edition #17
Today's edition comes with a BIG trigger warning. Some of the posts from this week are about childhood sexual abuse and how the Dylan Farrow/Woody Allen situation has brought this topic WAY out from under the carpets that it is often swept under in the name of "it's in the past, time to move on", "allegedly", "but he/she is the nicest person in the world", and all the other ways that society will more often than not choose a blissful shield of ignorance, rather than listen to or hear what happens to 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys in our world (Canadian Statistics). ***If you are not in a place to read these articles, please know this; it is OK, you don't have to. Skip #1. As an alternative, I give you cute baby animals instead! XOXO ****
*****For the record and in the spirit of full disclosure, I believe Dylan Farrow. I am one of the 1 in 3 girls that was sexually abused as a child by a trusted neighbour and there are still people in my life who do not know about it or who don't quite understand what that means to my life now.****
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1. Dylan Farrow's incredibly raw open letter to to the world about her sexual abuse at the hands of one of the most revered Hollywood directors of our time started a virtual whirlwind of he said/she said, opinions, analysis and thoughtful and not so thoughtful inspection of all aspects of this particular case and of the topic in general all over the internet. Film biographer, Robert B. Weide posted an account on The Daily Beast of what he claims are all the details that everyone was getting so, so wrong about Mr. Woody Allen and his relationships with the women and children in his life 20+ years ago.
Seems to me a closer examination reveals more about corporate media and Hollywood going to bat for their stars and protecting the mighty, then it does about believing victims, protecting victims and providing any kind of justice for victims of sexual abuse at the hands of these "stars". Jennifer Pozner outlines corporate media's rapist problem in very great detail in this post for Salon.
One of the most powerful pieces that I read this week (and for better or for worse, the one that was the most triggering for me personally) was Andrea Grimes look at what exactly would make someone believe a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I can't really say much more about it other than I called my therapist the next morning to book an appointment and simultaneously decided to take a wee break from social media for the rest of the month.
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On to lighter topics now....
2. Pussy Riot was on the Colbert Report this week. You'd think two years in a Russian prison would break someone's spirit. Apparently not if you are Nadya Tolokonnikova and Masha Alyokhin. It's a great interview to watch, especially as the ladies give as good as they get from Mr. Colbert, who had a hard time keeping a straight face at times.
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3. You know I am a sucker for anything with boobs! Especially when those boobs are feeding babies. This little diddy from Australian duo Sparrow Folk is sure to "ruin your day" (ie, MAKE your day!)
[youtube]http://youtu.be/-dw2XHMUnyE[/youtube]
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4. Do you know about GIRL Rising? Well you should. And you should know that I will be talking a lot more about this incredible film and the upcoming screening of it in Edmonton on March 8th, which is also International Women's Day 2014. Watch the trailer below and look for a screening in your area too.
[youtube]http://youtu.be/BJsvklXhYaE[/youtube]
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5. Who knew how much power women yield over all the poor menfolk out there, with the simple snip of a pair of scissors! JLaw cut her hair and the collective gasp from men was heard the world over. And now Felicia Day, poster-girl for geekdom, has done the same and this is NEWS people. A woman got a haircut and it is newsworthy.... just let that sink in for a minute.... thanks sexism!
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Have a wonderful weekend and be kind to each other and to yourself,
N~
The value of MOTHER.
It's started to happen already. The question whispered on people's lips or straight up asked right to my face. Next year both of my children will be in school full-time and some people are wondering...
"What are you going to do then?"
"What is your plan?"
This full-time school thing is a time of transition for everyone in the family. It is a time of letting go, of lunches packed with love, of good-bye kisses on cheeks, and wishes of having a good day, one that, for the first time, is going to be primarily without each other. I won't deny that it is a time that I am simultaneously dreading and dreaming of; dreading because I won't be the central person safeguarding my babies throughout their days anymore, and dreaming of because it has been seven years since I've had more than 3-4 hours all to myself on a regular basis to do whatever the hell I want!
And I get it. I get why the questions are asked of many, many mothers, who like me, are in stay-at-home roles. The kids are good now, right? They don't need you as much. They can DO all the things for themselves now and for 6-7 hours of the day they will be in the care of other people and learning about their worlds.
The problem I am having with this "the kids don't need me anymore" logic, is that it feels like some kind of default assumption that, as a mother, what I have been doing for the past 7 years is nothing more than providing childcare for my children. That while it is true that I have given them all the basics to function on their own and they truly do not need me for said basics anymore (bum wipes, snotty noses, help with eating, zipping up jackets, etc...), I can now be relieved of my childcare duties. Now that they are school-aged, I can send them off for someone else to watch over for the day and then I can finally get back to being a regular, contributing member of society. You know, one with a 'real' job, and a purpose, and some kind of economic -and therefore societal- VALUE.
In her 2001 bestseller, The Price of Motherhood, Anne Crittenden discusses this concept in depth and shows us that although women may be liberated and on the path to economic equality, mothers are decidedly not.
"The idea that time spent with one's child is time wasted is embedded in traditional economic thinking. People who are not formally employed may create human capital, but they themselves are said to suffer a deterioration of the stuff, as if they were so many pieces of equipment left out to rust."
Don't get me wrong. Motherhood is not all sunshine and beautiful moments and crafting until your fingers bleed, but it is MUCH more than glorified babysitting. It is a long-term commitment to building human character and developing the beings who will be the future of our world. It is about maintaining a healthy sense of attachment with our children so that they can confidently venture out into the world on their own and be caring human beings. Yet for reasons we still can't fully understand or correct, there is no dollar value that society can attach to this 'human capital' development and therefore no value in the people, primarily mothers, doing this work.
I am no fool. I know that if I decided to try to go back to work full-time, it would be a challenge for me from the get go. I'd have to explain my 8 year absence from the workforce. I'd have to somehow bump up my resume with my volunteer work , my writing and the various new skills acquired as a stay-at-home parent (and there are plenty!). Then I would somehow have to make the math add up, fitting an 8 hour work day into a 6 hour school day. This of course leads me to the search for before/after school childcare and the cost of this for two children, which, upon a quick perusal of various programs, would be a minimum of about $800/month. In the few hours between school and bedtime and interspersed with any extra-curricular activities, is where time spent with the children occurs and then after bedtime is when household care occurs. Yeesh! I am exhausted just thinking about this!
Yes, I know that for a lot of families, the choice to work or not is not one that they can make and the scenario above is their reality. I am fully aware of the level of privilege that I have in my life. Single or married, many, many people figure this all out and make it work for their families, and for that they have my utmost respect and admiration. I grew up with a single working mother and three younger siblings and she did make it work. How exactly she did this, I still don't know, but growing up, I was always in awe of her strength and character and how much she sacrificed for us and for the people and institutions that she worked for. Yet as I got older and then had children myself, I wondered just how much of her own self and happiness she sacrificed for us.
In that first year of parenting, the reality of what me going back to work would mean to our family didn't quite hit my husband and I until a few months before the end of that year. That in two months time we would be handing our infant son over to a child-care worker to care for him for most of the day, all of a sudden didn't sit quite so well with either of us. That I would have to stop breastfeeding him on demand and either pump or switch to formula for his nutritional needs wasn't something I was prepared to do. And that the logistics of my job would require me to be away for upwards of 3 days to a week's time at least quarterly and the implications of what this would mean for all of us seemed too daunting. When I found out I was pregnant again around the same time I was to return to work, the decision for me to be the stay at home parent seemed to be the option we were most comfortable with and the one that worked the best for our family. So at the age of 36, and at a point of really starting to climb the proverbial corporate ladder of my career, to use the vernacular of the day, I "opted out".
It is a decision that I do not regret in the least. And of note, it is also a world that I have no desire to "lean {back} in" to either.
Recently I have had two close friends, who are in the same stay-at-home parental boat as me, tell me that they are going back to work later this year. They both have a multitude of reasons for doing so and I completely support these women and understand their reasons for making this decision for themselves and their families.
All except one.
Both have told me that going back to work will allow them to feel like they can finally DO THINGS for themselves without feeling guilty about it.
Here is the thing. I love both of these ladies and have seen them raise their children first hand for the past four years. Like most mothers I know, these are extremely dedicated women, who take care of house, home, children and spouses and all the logistics that go along with that. They have taken on the roles of economist and financial planner for their families, of early childhood educator, of artist/designer/house project manager, of cook/cleaner/chauffeur and mediator of family relations and the list goes on and on. If there were ever two people who deserved to do things for themselves, these two are IT (and yes, they are both probably reading this). They left their careers to be the primary at home caregiver for their families. A 40-hour work week traded in for one that is 24/7, that comes with no pay, no sick days, no health benefits and NO WEEKENDS OFF. Some will argue, "Well, that was their choice, so suck it up ladies!", but that argument falls apart when you take a closer look at the ridiculous expectations and societal parameters that are placed on mothers.
When you have a society that is constantly giving you the mixed messages that what you do as a mother is "the most important job on the planet" and glorifies you to semi-deity status and then simultaneously punishes you economically for leaving the workforce and shames you into sacrificing your very being to the glory that is Mother, it is no surprise that women feel a sense of guilt for wanting something that is just for them. That so many women echo the sentiments of losing themselves in motherhood and not feeling fulfilled in this role, despite all the wonderful praise capital "M" Motherhood elicits, is further testament to how undervalued a role it is, even by those fully entrenched in it. After all of this, the message that does get through is not "you are worth it", it is more often "you didn't earn it"," you don't deserve it", "IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU" and the ever popular "What exactly do you DO all day?".
I fully support all mothers, in all of their choices, and especially my dear friends on their decision to return to the workforce. I am actually quite excited for them both. My only wish for them and for any of you reading this is that whatever you choose to do in your life, be it working, staying at home, learning to paint, taking a yoga class, hiring a cleaning service, having a nanny, using a day care, getting a pedicure, going for a run or taking an hour long shower BY YOURSELF, that you make these choices with your agency intact and with full knowledge that you are worth it, that you should not feel guilty for wanting something just for you and that your work as Mother is not all of WHO YOU ARE. And even if, for a few years, it sorta-kinda is, please know that your work more than entitles you to being your own person, with her own needs and wants and that you can and should take care of yourself, however that may be. Do it for yourself and do it for your children as well. Let them see the value that you place on yourself, and let them take that message of self-care with them into the world that will one day be theirs.
In case anyone is still wondering what my plan is for next year, I plan on continuing to ensure the attachment and belonging that my children are growing up knowing with me as their mother. My "thing" is my writing and perhaps next year is the year of the great novel/screenplay/manifesto. I may even delve into some painting while I'm at it. Throughout it all though, please know that I support you in your choices, even though they may be different than mine, and that we all are deserving of doing the things that feed our souls.
{Psst.... I'll probably be getting a pedicure and a massage on a regular basis too.}
Take CARE of YOU,
natasha~
Feminist Fare Friday: Edition #16.
This week has been a BU-SY one in the online feminist world. I've read some things that have made me want to pull my hair out, others that had me on the brink of waving my Diversity Bingo card (I didn't) and even more that has made me want to actually jump up and yell. YES!! THIS!! DAMNIT!
In case you haven't already guessed, you're getting the latter in today's edition of Feminist Fare Friday.
Enjoy!
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1. Laci Green is a very candid, very outspoken, and very refreshing (if sometimes shockingly) frank vlogger and peer sex educator. She hosts a video series on Youtube called SEX+ and her recent video on sexual objectification is a must watch.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_4dPB9MVS8&feature=share&list=PLTXiNEUzXWKTfNYKThSk-kmJdf7AJRP5K[/youtube]
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2. Sometimes when I read something, I start judging within the first few sentences if I am going to like it or not (just call me Judgey-McJudgerson-it's been done before) and to be honest, I really was not sure about this one. A married with no-kids 30-something takes a week off work to try out being a "housewife". This one has to be taken with a grain (barrel) of white-middle-class-cisgender-privilege, but she does manage to pull it together in the end. At least that is what this "housewife" thinks. And for the record, if anyone ever refers to me as a housewife, I will throat-punch them.
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3. Another day. Another article written about the {online} feminism wars and how toxic it all is for everyone. Le GRAND SIGH!
While processing this latest iteration and scrolling through the reactions online, another of my favourite vloggers, Jay Smooth of Ill Doctrine, started retweeting tweets from Latoya Peterson. And then he Storify'd her timeline because she was saying some REALLY, really amazing things that I hope many, MANY people were able to read and really digest. EVERYTHING that she tweeted yesterday, made me think about what it is that I am trying to do as a feminist/activist and for that I thank her!
P.S. I think the tweets above probably work in all kinds of situations. And then I found this gem from the late, great Pete Seeger.
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4. File this one under "mansplaining". A man's critique of the #365feministselfie project, has blown UP the closed Facebook group that was created to celebrate and share all our images of ourselves. And while a lot of us have tried to respond to this dude (and to Babble-which pains me to give them the traffic-Grrrr....), the comments on his post are being heavily moderated. So what's a gal to do? Write a poem? Look up a new writer to discuss? Um. NO. One writes a post. Thanks to Darlena at Paretwin for this piece for the Babble dad who thinks he gets to tell us how to DO feminism properly!
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5. And finally, something that continues to boggle my mind. Gendered products. Trust me, I still get sucked into this marketing madness just as much as the next person. Yesterday, while talking to my kids about colouring, I told L she could use "boy" colours. Immediately C, my seven year old son, corrected me and said, "Mom, there is no such thing as "boy" colours." GAH! Yes, kid, you are so right! So, while I hang my head in shame and without further ado.... 21 things that really do not need to be gendered.
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Kung Hei Fat Choy Everyone! Happy Year of the Horse.
natasha~
Feminist Fare Friday: Edition #15
I am calling this week's (return of) Feminist Fare Friday, "Things I Wish I had Written or Recorded". All of these incredible women have beautiful voices (written and spoken) and I am happy to say that most of them I can call friend (some IRL, some of the internet kind and some I hope to one day meet and befriend).
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1. First up is this fabulous post by Shannon at The Radical Housewife. Seems I am not the only one who got struck with the too busy to blog bug over the holidays. Luckily Shannon was able to sum up all the shenanigans that happened, especially on Twitter, and managed to wrap it all up in a "how to be a white lady feminist and not stick your foot in it" pretty sparkly bow!
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2. I think most of us bloggers have developed somewhat of a tough skin. We kind of have to in this realm where we put "it" out there for all to read and expect a certain amount of discourse, the good and the bad. For the most part it is easy to ignore the "haters" and use the delete button with impunity when someone comes into our space and spouts off. Every once in a while though, a button gets pushed and one has to respond. This week Avital at The Mamafesto got her button pushed and she responded in the most wonderful and brilliant way. 'Cause that's how she rolls, yo! (And her kid is pretty darn awesome too!)
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3. In the last FFF post, I wrote about my friend Joanne Minaker doing her debut TEDx talk last month at TEDx Garneau Women and the video is finally up on Youtube and the TEDx site. You can also read more from Joanne about her new endeavours to create a Care*Full world. And I am with you lady! I am so proud to call you my friend and an incredible example of how to truly practice what one preaches.
[youtube]http://youtu.be/DRUPRF5SnxE[/youtube]
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4. Of course I do not know Chimamamda Adichie, but in my mind, I think we would be great friends. And I needed to hear this from my imaginary author/story teller/feminist friend this week. The Single Story. Really think about this. Think about how much we judge everyone around us based on the singular story that we know about them and how much harm this does to us all...
[youtube]http://youtu.be/D9Ihs241zeg[/youtube]
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*Bonus Recommendation - "The Motherload". This new documentary from the CBC is a brutally honest look at what the reality is for working mothers in North America in the 21st century. From trying to "have it all" to barely getting by, it profiles Canadian and American women from different walks of life navigating the expectations of everyone around them. The question is, at what cost?
Seriously, please take 30 minutes out of your day and watch it. One particular quote from the show really hit home for me:
"...in the feminist fight for equality, something was left out of the equation: children."
Have a wonderful weekend everyone,
Natasha~