space
I should really write something.
Like a post about Blissdom Canada and my first speaking gig. Or a post about the bullshit that is going on with Gamergate and the horrendous abuse that women in the gaming world continue to be subjected to. Or how my much younger and newly single cousin just showed me what Tinder is and OH MY GOD!! I am so thankful that I am not in the dating world right now. Or how I have the best friends ever, because upon learning of my first trip to Victoria, my friend Sarah sent me TEN texts in a row full of restaurant and shopping recommendations. Apparently, we will be eating non-stop for three days!
Instead of writing though, lately, I have been organizing. Tidying. De-cluttering. De-STUFF-ING. I came home from Blissdom and cleared out 50% of my wardrobe (and posted most of it HERE). Today I tackled the linen closet and shoes. The kids toys are an ongoing project and get done once every three months. There is just too much stuff. And we don't need it. All of this unused or just-in-case stuff just sits in closets and boxes and drawers and the case never arises? It has to go.
~~~~~
Did I mention that I started meditating regularly? I think I did. And I think this new practice of mine may be part of why I am feeling this need to clear space. Literally. And while I am clearing all of these spaces, I am noticing that I am starting to feel lighter. The mind is a wonderful thing and when we use it to actually become mindful of our everyday thoughts and behaviours, the perspective this can provide is... well, for lack of a better word, kind of mind-boggling.
What I have learned is that when I stopped telling myself the same, tired old story over and over about myself, that is when I start to see the kind of changes I want in my life. When I stopped saying "I am just an impulsive person", I stopped making impulsive choices. Be they about food, shopping, work-out trends, over-volunteering, etc... When I stopped thinking that people only wanted to talk to me/be my friend because I am a "fixer", I stopped feeling the need to fix everyone and was more able to just be with people and accept them as they accept me.
The kids are even starting to get in on this mindfulness business as well. They have asked if they can meditate with me (I've found a few nice bedtime guided meditation videos on Youtube) and we regularly practice mindful eating at the dinner table. This is as simple as just taking a bite of food, putting down your utensil, closing your eyes and chewing and really tasting your meal. Bite by bite until your body tells you it is full. And really, isn't this how we should eat and enjoy all of our meals?
~~~~~
I was reading about the meaning of Mercury being in retrograde this morning and came across this explanation:
Mercury retrograde gives us time to catch up with ourselves, and reflect. Something from the past returns in a different form. People, ideas or buried insights that are keys to moving forward, float to the surface. Often it's felt as a slowed down, contemplative time, and depending on the sign, a chance to go over old ground again, to claim what you missed the first time.
Mercury has been in retrograde since October 4th and that seems to coincide with all of what I have been feeling and contemplating since I returned from my trip to Ontario. I've slowed down. I've needed this time to catch up with myself. I've cleared my spaces and perhaps after this weekend (Mercury moves out of retrograde on the 25th), I'll be ready to get all of those words and ideas floating to the surface once again.
I know this is a weird post and I swear, I had no idea where it was going when I sat down and typed that first sentence. But here is where I am. Breathing, clearing space, making room for all that is to come.
Namaste my friends.
N~
rocket science
Momentum. In physics it is defined as the property or tendency of a moving object to continue moving. In life, and figuratively, momentum can refer to the tendency of a person or group to repeat recent success. And in both, it can come to an abrupt stop when a large obstacle is placed in front of the moving object and it can be difficult to regain that momentum again.
This in how I have been feeling lately. Like I just can't get my momentum back. I feel like I am free-falling like Sandra Bullock in Gravity, floating and spinning in space with no way to get back to the space station. Basically, I need George Clooney to tether me and tell me what to do.
(Okay, so I don't really need George to tell me what to do, but as I type this, I suddenly see a whole new internet meme starting...)
At one point in the movie, when telling her about the re-entry vessel, George says to Sandra, "You just point the damned thing at Earth and go. It is not rocket science."
This summer we had a huge obstacle placed in front of us and normal life stopped. Thankfully, we all made it through that time and are now getting back to normal, but it is a new normal for all of us. There is a weird kind of comfort to being in hospital and having that cocoon of professionals and therapy schedules and routines protecting everyone from the real world. And then one day, you are officially 'discharged" and forced out of that cocoon to figure out how to fly on your own with your new wings. The rush and excitement and anxiety of getting ready for back to school and then the actual getting back to school has passed. Our new routines, the kids new activities and our new normals are starting to establish themselves in our lives. And yet, *I* still feel untethered.
A lot of my life feels like it is in auto-pilot and while I am doing all the things that need doing, I am not necessarily doing them, to use a term both my therapist and my yoga teacher like to use a lot, MINDFULLY. I get up, I get everyone ready for school, I drive them to school, I do the errands, I pick up the kids from school and take them to activities, I make dinner, I clean up, I do laundry, I watch TV/play Candy Crush/read, I go to bed. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I am finding it difficult to switch off that dial that has been on at full strength for the past four months. You know, the 'take care of all the things and all the people' one. Granted, as a mother, it is one that is never fully off, but I think I have to figure out how to at least dial it down a bit and turn up the one beside it called "take care of YOU". The trick is actually doing that and then not feeling guilty about it. Because the thing is, while I still have a role as mom and protector and wife and home-keeper to do, I have a larger role as Natasha too. And without her, all those other roles can't and won't be done with any sense of fulfilment and joy.
So.
Even though my momentum and personal growth journey may have come to a hard stop a few months ago due to circumstances beyond my control, now it is time to get going again. To pick up where things stopped and start/continue moving again.
Because George is right.
Okay George, whatever you say.
n~
R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
Tonight's post was going to be about respect. Respect for people. Respect for our world. Respect for another person's piece of it.
And yet somehow, going off on a rant about my dumb-ass neighbours who let their giant dogs run willy-nilly all over the neighbourhood, peeing all over everyones shrubs doesn't seem right.
It doesn't seem right when in a small town in America, a man was shot six times and it is not called murder. Where the people of this town are living in a police state with a curfew in place and folks are getting tear-gassed and arrested for peacefully protesting.
My dog issues are nothing compared to the fact that in Gaza tonight, even the animals at the zoo are not safe from the crossfire of the Israel-Hamas conflict and the cease-fire deadline is approaching with no clear resolution in sight.
When a whole country is essentially on lock-down because of an Ebola epidemic, my privileged little first world problems becoming glaringly apparent as such and petty.
So, no, I won't get on my "be a responsible dog owner/neighbour" soap box tonight.
But I will say something about respect.
It's a common conversation in and around our house right now (and always). Respect for ourselves and how we talk about ourselves, respect for our possessions and the home that we have built for our family, and respect for others, in how we speak to them and about them and how we want to be spoken to as well. We talk about how we can be more respectful to Mother Earth and my kids are big into recycling, not wasting energy or water and thanks to the Kratt brothers, are all up to date on animal conservation as well. The concept and application of respect is truly a daily topic in our house. As it should be.
I came across this quote from Dwight D. Eisenhower and it seems to fit tonight.
"This world of ours...
must avoid becoming a community of dreadful fear and hate, and be, instead,
a proud confederation of mutual trust and respect."
The problem as I see it right now, is that in this world of ours, the pendulum has swung so far over to the fear and hate side of things, that we can't figure out how to get back to the mutual trust and respect side.
I don't know how exactly to swing that pendulum back, but I'll start small. At home, and in my neighbourhood, and in my communities both online and off. I will listen, I will speak with respect, I will not let hate into my mind or my heart and I will teach and model this behaviour for my children. Maybe if we all started small, we would eventually overpower all of that fear and drown out the hate.
Maybe...
n~
A challenge and change and channelling my anxiety.
Ask me to drink 3 litres of water a day and I'll make it to maybe day four. Ask me to wake up one hour earlier than usual to meditate/workout/write and realistically I'll do it a few times and then be back to hitting the snooze button until small people insist that I wake up to feed them.
But...
Challenge me {for the third year in a row} to write a blog post a day for a month for the 2014 Summer Blog Challenge, and BAM! I am in. Again.
To be honest, I need a kick in the pants to get my writing mojo back. It has been lost for a while now as we were dealing with other life altering events this summer.
Daily blogging definitely is a challenge. And with school starting in a couple of weeks and the regular and some new {our first year with an IPP} challenges that this will bring to my life, will likely make it even more so.
So why do I do this then?
That is a very good question.
Because it is tradition now. Because I like to prove to myself that I can do it. And because every now and then, amongst the silly, last minute, "oh crap, I need to get a post out today" drivel that yes, I fully admit, you will get, sometimes a shot of brilliance will shine through. I'll have an epiphany and some divine power will guide my hand and I'll bang out something fan-freaking-tastic.
Today I spent most of the day cleaning the house and clearing it of the debris of life that has been collecting in unaddressed piles since June. The bags of all of my son's school work that his teacher lovingly packed up for us, the mail that has been sitting on my desk unopened along with all the unfiled bills and papers, the toys and books that have accumulated in all the tiny spaces that they can find to play together just like before. We tackled it all today ,and while it may not have seemed like it for everyone around here (read: there was much whining about when we would be doooooonnnnne), for me, it was a mixture of purging and nesting and wiping the slate clean to ready ourselves for the next chapter in our lives.
I am the most prepared that I have ever been for back to school this year. A couple of new outfits each and all the school supplies have been bought sorted and are ready to go. Every year, the beginning of the school year is like walking into a bit of an unknown (we don't get to find out who the kid's teachers are until that first day), but this year it feels even more so. Most people know that C was very sick and in the hospital, but few know the full extend of his illness or about his stroke/brain injury. He has expressed his concern to his therapists and to me about going back to school and having people ask him all about what happened and what he will say to them and he now has a list of answers that they came up with together and wrote down. I think I may have to follow suit as I am realizing that I too am feeling quite anxious about this as well. And when I get anxious about events or situations that are outside of my realm of control, I re-organize. I control my immediate environment and make it orderly and pretty.
Seriously people, my closet and my office have never looked better.
All ready to welcome back both me and my mojo!
So.... Here we go!
Subscribe to my RSS feed, sign up to get my posts delivered directly in your email every day (see box over there on your right), or find me on Facebook or Instagram (and maybe Twitter too, although my presence there has been sporadic lately - more on that in another post) because you never know which one of these posts is going to be the brilliant one!
XO,
n~
P.S. There are quite a few bloggers from all walks of life participating in the #SummerBlogChallenge. On social media we usually hashtag it as such or #SBC2014 or just #SBC. I'll have the full list of participants for you tomorrow if you'd like to check out some of their writing as well.
Cleaning out the draft folder: a year of random posts started, but not finished
Words were just not coming to me today, so I decided to go check on the 20+ posts I had sitting in my drafts folder. Some where just junk, a few words jotted down, an idea come and gone. Others I think could have been really good, but fizzled for one reason or another. Here is a sampling of some of those "could have been" posts from the last year....
..........
Nothing makes me feel more weak and useless than when my body is rebelling against me. I know that this is part of living with a chronic disease, but trust me, it doesn't make it any easier. This past month has been particularly tough. All the things that I want to do, the things that make me feel good and happy and calm and centered, are all things that I can't do right now. There has been no yoga, no personal training, no spin classes.
My knees have made an executive decision to be royally effed-up right now and they are taking the whole system down with them. It's been a while since I have had such a long flare of my Rheumatoid Arthritis and all my coping methods seem to have left on some tropical vacation and didn't tell me they were going away!
Bitches.
(may, 2013)
..........
L -"Mommy, do boys want to be beautiful?"
Me -"Of course, honey, everyone is beautiful in their own unique way."
L -"Mommy, do boys want to be responsible for their kids?"
Me -"Yes, daddies and mommies are both responsible for looking after their kids."
L -"Mommy, do daddies want to eat their kids brains?"
Me - "Ummm.....only if they are zombies."
These are the types of conversations I am having lately with my almost 5 year old daughter.
She is an observant little thing and notices everything around her.
Observations about a woman in full burka. "Look mama, a ninja girl" Observations about a boy with Cerebral Palsy. "He has cool robot legs"
(july, 2013)
..........
As of this week I have one child in grade one and one in kindergarten. According to everyone, everywhere, I should be an emotional wreck of a mother right about now. Crying and wailing as my babies leave me and I realize that I won't be there if they fall and scrape their knees, if someone says something to hurt their feelings or if they need help doing ANYTHING!
The thing is, I am not that mother. Not anymore.
The past few mornings at school as my daughters class lines up to go inside, there are a couple of kids who just don't really get the routine just yet. This is totally understandable, it's their first week, it's all new to everyone and it's a bit of a zoo in the mornings as everyone rushes in after the first bell rings. As I looked over to one mama I know, I could see the tension in her face and I asked her what was wrong?
"Oh, its just {kid's name here}, she is so spaced out and distracted about everything."
I grabbed this mom by the shoulders and I said, "YOU need to relax. She is feeding off of your energy and if she sees you calm and focused, she is going to get there too."
And there you have it Mamas (and daddies). If there is one lesson of parenting that I can impart to this world it is this.
Take a deep breath, slow your anxious heart rate and CALM THE FUCK DOWN!!
(september, 2013)
..........
I feel like the human race has lost its way.
That we are de-evolving as a species.
That Skynet or something like it is not that distant a reality if we are not careful.
The internet makes us all next door neighbours and it is harder and harder to live in our safe little bubbles when we can easily access each others bubbles 24/7. Our social networks make it hard to hide our indiscretions, our little (or big) faux pas of life, our oops moments and all those things that people used to say "behind closed doors" are now out there, for everyone to hear/read/watch.
It also makes it hard for people to hide their racism, their sexism, their ageism, their sizism... all the ISMs really. And I am not sure that we actually have MORE of it now then we have had in the past, I just think that we are FACED with it more each and every day via Facebook, or Twitter, or whatever other means of social networking people are using. And since we all know that the internet is forever, so to is everyone's memory of that time you totally wore "blackface" for Halloween and didn't get why that was such a big deal. Or that time you texted a picture of your penis to a much younger woman behind your wife and your constituents backs. Or that time you actually made a hashtag called #whitegirlsrock, in response to one called #blackgirlsrock because... I can't even think of a reason why?
I am pretty convinced that most of the world has been living in somewhat of a delusional state for quite a while now. Slavery was abolished, women got the vote, everyone has a Pride Parade these days and fat girls can even make it on the cover of fashion magazines. It's all good. No need to fight for anything anymore, the world is just hunky-dory.
Yeah, right...
(november, 2013)
..........
I spent 2 hours glued to my couch on Sunday night to watch the finale of the 27th season of Survivor. It was kind of a done deal for this season's winner, Tyson O, but I watched nonetheless, as I have every season for the past 13 years.
And because I have watched Survivor for over a decade, I kinda GET this show. I get how you play it and I get how you win it. I have a visceral response to EVERY tribal council and my body actually shakes uncontrollably. It's weird, I know.
This week's final tribal council was an interesting one to watch. Tyson, Monica and Gervase gave their final speeches to the seven voted-out jury members and they in turn asked their questions of the final three. What I found interesting were the questions that everyone was asking of Monica. At least three of the jury members asked Monica to reveal something vulnerable, something REAL and authentic about herself and her game play. I admit that it was a bit painful to watch her struggle to answer these questions. At one point she asked everyone, "Have you all never met a nice person?"
And so, this got me thinking, what does a nice person look like? Sound like?
And when we do see one of these strange beings, why are we so leery of them?
(december, 2013)
..........
I went to a yoga class this morning at my friend Mandy's studio. It is this small, peaceful, perfect space and myself and five other ladies had a wonderful yoga practice together. The energy that flows from Mandy is serene and this morning's practice was one of those things that I didn't really know I needed until it was over.
It is amazing what opening up your body physically can do to your mind and opening it up as well. So today, I am open to possibility, to wonder and to listening to my own needs and giving myself what I need to be a better human being for those who need me.
(may, 2014)
..........
I had no new words today, but I do have some very pretty flowering trees blooming in my yard and that makes me happy!
Newness will come when it is ready.
natasha~
Go to blogging conference. Make a list.
I am tired.
Not like, "Oh, the kids didn't sleep well and I may have stayed up too late to watch whatever I had on the PVR" tired. I am 'OH MY GOD, I spent 72 hours with 600 of the most wicked people on the internet this past weekend" tired!
THAT my friends, is exhausting, but in the most amazing way possible.
I am still processing my weekend at the Mom 2.0 Summit in Atlanta, but I did want to write down some of my top moments of the conference. Here they are, in no particular order and so I too don't forget how awesome a weekend it was...
1. Arriving at the hotel and seeing so many beautiful and familiar (Canadian) faces made it feel not so scary being a newbie amongst the 600 attendees at Mom 2.0. Thank you Annie, Elan, Shannon, Jennifer, and Connie for providing me with a that sense of "home" away from home.
2. I REALLY had to pee towards the end of the first keynote session on Friday morning. I was packing up my bag and about to sneak out when Derreck Kayongo took the stage. And then I couldn't move. Maybe it was the bright pink flower he was wearing on his jacket lapel, maybe it was his beautiful Ugandan accent, or it could have been the energy with which he bounded onto the stage. Whatever it was, I was not going anywhere. Watch this and you'll understand why. A simple thing. A bar of soap. And idea. This is the power of story and of being a change maker in our world!
[youtube]http://youtu.be/sauWSDPBV3g[/youtube]
3. This weekend, I got schooled. We ALL got schooled. I learned the true meaning of 'leaning in' and found myself doing just that. As Kelly Wickham, aka Mocha Momma, read her post "Calling out my sisters", there I was physically leaning forward to truly hear her words. Leaning in to the discomfort that is a conversation about race, about real solidarity and about truly, publicly being there for each other when things get rough. (Please read her post and lean in to this with me.)
4. And then, this one time at Mom 2.0 Summit, I sat down with Heather Armstrong (yes, THAT Heather Dooce Armstrong) for 10 minutes, told her how much I love what she does and how she writes and tells stories and asked her for her advice about how to keep doing just that while the landscape of the blogging world shifts - or as she said, "is completely destroyed" - beneath our feet. It was a good chat. (So good that I did not get any photographic evidence of our time together. Total rookie fangirl mistake.)
5. Mint Julips from the Minted folks. Let me just say this: bourbon is the devil's drink and therefore I can not be held responsible for whatever I said/did after drinking it!
6. Shoe shopping and dinner and thought-provoking and brilliant conversations about blogging and feminism and life. With Annie @PhDinParenting, Shannon @Shasherslife, and Jennifer @HartGalla.
7. Trying to be in two places at the same time on Saturday morning for two amazing sessions. While this in fact did not quite work out, I did find Elizabeth Jayne Lui of FlourishinProgress.com in one of them and for that alone, it may have been all worth the frantic running around the conference centre at the hotel. She is by far the tiniest, and quite possibly one of the funniest bloggers I met this weekend.
8. Front row keenering (totally a word) at the rest of the sessions on Saturday. So much change-maker/writing/story-tellng/hot-topics/sexy beasts blogging goodness!
The panelists (from L to R).
The #sexybeasts are: @laflowers, @schmutzie, @bostonmamas @titaniajordon @justicefergie
The #changemakers are: @mamanongrata @ElenaSonnino @postpartumprog @HeatherBarmore and @morraam (not pictured)
9. When Karen @chookooloonks Walrund, totally Kanye'd Jenny @thebloggess Lawson at The Iris Awards ceremony.
10. And then, 10 minutes later when I stood less than 12 inches from Jenny at the back of the theatre while holding another woman's very adorable baby, I managed to spit out the words, "This is the baby that pooped during your acceptance speech." Cause, you know, WORDS is what I do y'all! #facepalm
11. This photo. And this woman. Outfits totally not planned, I swear. Damn we look good!
12. Having only ONE degree of separation from Amy Poehler because of meeting the amazing Meredith Walker of @smrtgirls!
13. The panels. The painted bellies. The party. The people. MY People! I found them, we talked, we danced, we knew each other before we had even met, and then when we did meet, it was good. It was very, very, good.
Selfies from top to bottom with:
@lifewithroozle, @phdinparenting and @dresdenplaid, @schmutzie, @DebontheRocks and @farrahbrannif.
Bonus #14: Having the best conference roomie = She who takes #365feministselfie shots with a lovely butt bomb from yours truly!
{photo credit: Annie @phdinparenting}
Now, I really do need to catch up on some more sleep.
Goodnight lovelies,
natasha~
making time for practice
Everything is a practice these days. We must practice gratitude, practice meditating, practice writing (or whatever your creative outlet is), practice our sport/yoga/fitness regime of choice, practice healthy eating, practice drinking more water and on and on.
I know it, you know it, but damn it, sometimes it just feels like NO ONE HAS TIME FOR ALL OF THAT PRACTICING!
In an effort to be a better practitioner of LIFE and all the things in it that give me joy and meaning, I am making a conscious effort to make time to practice some gratitude.
Right here. Right now.
Ok, here goes...
On Sunday, my family let me sleep in until 10 AM. My husband got up with the kids, fed everyone, walked the dog and then they just let me be. I eventually got out of bed, had a nice long shower and meandered out of my room around 10:30AM. It was glorious!
.....
And then, my daughter went into the play room, made 4 animal puppets from a foam craft kit ALL BY HERSELF and proceeded to cast herself and her brother in a puppet show for my enjoyment. I sat back, drank a cup of the new Goddess tea that I picked up at the Make It show and enjoyed my children's imaginations!
.....
Later that day, they asked if we could go to the library, "...the one with the fancy roof Mom." So off we went. I brought my laptop and my notebook and while the kids were off choosing books and playing phonics games on the library computers, I started to write and catch up on some #YearofWriting assignments (I am terribly behind in these!). The funny thing is, I haven't stopped writing since then. Either in the notebook (some things really are just for me) or here on my blog.
.....
Hmmmm.... maybe there is some truth to this practice thing. I'll keep going.
I have a hard time remembering or enjoying drinking 8+ glasses of water a day. So I made a deal with myself. I'll drink more of it IF it is bubbly. I bought a case of San Pellegrino at Costco and for the past few weeks have been happily drinking all the sparkly water I can! And just in case you were wondering, no, it is not bad for me and yes, it is just as hydrating as flat water.
.....
I do not like doing laundry. I will procrastinate doing this task until someone runs out of a critical piece of clothing and then starts asking me about it. I will then reluctantly start the sorting and washing and drying of said clothing. This usually drags out for a few days (Ok, fine, a week or more) and then, just as I have finally folded all the laundry from one week, I have to start on another weeks worth. Yesterday, I did 5 loads of laundry, folded 4 of them, put them away and now only have the towels left to finish folding today. The sense of accomplishment I have over this simple thing is completely ridiculous and yes, it is something that I could get used to. With practice. ;)
.....
OK, I don't want to overdo it here...
I'll keep this up and start a little bit of a weekly #gratitude post because...
PRACTICE!!
with gratitude,
n~
Operation Hermit
I saw this meme on Facebook the other day and thought about how perfect it was for how I am feeling lately.
I may not be hermiting (yes, I made it a verb) in the truest sense of the word, as I can't seem to stay away from the mall and/or Anthropologie when it is "Extra 25% off" day, but I am spending a lot of my time by myself, with myself and on myself. Or with my family or my dog.
Most people who meet me think that I am an extrovert. The life of the party, the loud, obnoxious one, the social butterfly. I am not going to lie, I love a room full of people. Conversations buzzing, laughter erupting, everyone connecting and sharing and coming together. That kind of energy is wonderful and contagious and I get caught up in it and I usually come down with an acute case of extrovertedness at these times. Promises of "we should do this more often" are made and "let's go for coffee" is said more times than I can count. And then I go home, take some Advil, have a good rest and after a few days of social media love bombs back and forth to everyone, am fully recovered from said attack. I return to my hermit cave (real or virtual) and retreat into myself and my little life and I feel safe. I feel unencumbered, happy to just be folding laundry or reading a book or playing Candy Crush, or doing all the mundane little things that make up my daily life.
My first assignment for the Year or Writing course that I am taking was to write down 20 ideas. It's harder than it sounds, trust me! One of my ideas for an essay or post or poem or something, was this statement:
Alone is freeing.
Maybe it is because I am a mom and being truly alone is often times a luxury. Maybe it is because I come from a family of four kids and I didn't grow up knowing a lot of alone time. And maybe alone is a way to not have to deal with a lot of the often nasty, mean, and bewildering world around me. Whatever the reason, I find being alone, with my thoughts, or with no thoughts, a very peaceful, soul {re}filling, calming way to be. When I am alone, I feel free. Free to figure out what going on in my head and in my heart and free of all the things in life that sometimes weigh me down.
My favourite moment in my days right now is right after I drop the kids off at school. I then head to the dog park with Willow and at that time of day, we are often the first ones there. It is an especially peaceful place right now, in the middle of winter; white and grey, somewhat bleak, not a soul in sight and all I hear is the crunching of my boots on the trail, the running of four legs zipping by me at top speed, and the intermittent knock-knock-knocking of the local woodpecker trying to find his breakfast. I find myself breathing deeper, walking taller and appreciating this space and time away from everything and everyone more and more every day. I like to think of it as my daily moment of meditation. Me, Mother Nature and my puppy, all together in that moment and yet all alone.
It's not that I don't want to see my friends or be around people. Quite the opposite really, I love being around people. I just like being around people and pretending that I am doing so enclosed in some kind of bubble. I can see and hear everyone around me, but I don't necessarily have to interact with anyone. I can immerse myself in my book or my laptop or in eavesdropping on strangers conversations, while still feeling like I am part of the world. I do this bubble thing a lot. I think it is probably a bit of a coping mechanism. I can truly enjoy a trip to a busy mall or to Costco or the grocery store with two kids in tow, because I enclose all of us in the bubble and continue on like no one else is around and we have the place all to ourselves. I liken this bubble strategy to that scene in a movie when a couple falls in love or has a big dance/kissing scene and everything and everyone else just fades away and the music swells and nothing else matters. If you ever see me out and about and I am in "the bubble", I probably won't see you until you come up really close and actually pop it. I will then be a bit disoriented and likely forget your name and say something particularly stupid and incoherent and then walk away from you while you try to figure out why I am being such a bitch? It's not you, I promise, it's just me readjusting to the sudden shift in air pressure outside of my hermit-bubble. It takes a few minutes... Expect a text later with an apology for my flightiness.
Last week I had lunch with a friend that I haven't seen in a long time. It was nice. She is a really wonderful woman, someone I admire and a truly gifted artist. It's sometimes funny how life works. People come into your life when you need them the most and I didn't know it at the time, but I really needed to spend some time with this person. I feel like she gets me on a different level than my other (younger) friends. We talked about this "hermit-ness" that both of us sometimes do and decided that we needed to have a club for all of us "Closet Introverts". After lunch, as I thought about this a bit more, I realized the irony of this plan.
Here's the thing. I know who my friends are. I know that no one is sitting around saying, "Damn, that Natasha is sure being a bitch for not calling me or making an effort lately!". I know that if anyone IS thinking that, then they are likely not really my friend. My friends know that I need to be a hermit now and then in order to get my brain to work properly. My friends know that a true connection is not based on the amount of hours spent together. Like anything really meaningful in life, I firmly believe that friendship is a quality versus quantity thing.
So you know what Internet Meme, NO, I am NOT being a bad friend lately, I am being a really GOOD friend to myself. I am giving myself what I need to live a wholehearted life and what I need right now is to be a really AWESOME hermit! And I thank every one of my true friends for letting me do that and for never judging me for it.
In gratitude,
natasha~
P.S. (Update) Look what I found tonight! I do love that Audrey Hepburn gal.
