space
I should really write something.
Like a post about Blissdom Canada and my first speaking gig. Or a post about the bullshit that is going on with Gamergate and the horrendous abuse that women in the gaming world continue to be subjected to. Or how my much younger and newly single cousin just showed me what Tinder is and OH MY GOD!! I am so thankful that I am not in the dating world right now. Or how I have the best friends ever, because upon learning of my first trip to Victoria, my friend Sarah sent me TEN texts in a row full of restaurant and shopping recommendations. Apparently, we will be eating non-stop for three days!
Instead of writing though, lately, I have been organizing. Tidying. De-cluttering. De-STUFF-ING. I came home from Blissdom and cleared out 50% of my wardrobe (and posted most of it HERE). Today I tackled the linen closet and shoes. The kids toys are an ongoing project and get done once every three months. There is just too much stuff. And we don't need it. All of this unused or just-in-case stuff just sits in closets and boxes and drawers and the case never arises? It has to go.
~~~~~
Did I mention that I started meditating regularly? I think I did. And I think this new practice of mine may be part of why I am feeling this need to clear space. Literally. And while I am clearing all of these spaces, I am noticing that I am starting to feel lighter. The mind is a wonderful thing and when we use it to actually become mindful of our everyday thoughts and behaviours, the perspective this can provide is... well, for lack of a better word, kind of mind-boggling.
What I have learned is that when I stopped telling myself the same, tired old story over and over about myself, that is when I start to see the kind of changes I want in my life. When I stopped saying "I am just an impulsive person", I stopped making impulsive choices. Be they about food, shopping, work-out trends, over-volunteering, etc... When I stopped thinking that people only wanted to talk to me/be my friend because I am a "fixer", I stopped feeling the need to fix everyone and was more able to just be with people and accept them as they accept me.
The kids are even starting to get in on this mindfulness business as well. They have asked if they can meditate with me (I've found a few nice bedtime guided meditation videos on Youtube) and we regularly practice mindful eating at the dinner table. This is as simple as just taking a bite of food, putting down your utensil, closing your eyes and chewing and really tasting your meal. Bite by bite until your body tells you it is full. And really, isn't this how we should eat and enjoy all of our meals?
~~~~~
I was reading about the meaning of Mercury being in retrograde this morning and came across this explanation:
Mercury retrograde gives us time to catch up with ourselves, and reflect. Something from the past returns in a different form. People, ideas or buried insights that are keys to moving forward, float to the surface. Often it's felt as a slowed down, contemplative time, and depending on the sign, a chance to go over old ground again, to claim what you missed the first time.
Mercury has been in retrograde since October 4th and that seems to coincide with all of what I have been feeling and contemplating since I returned from my trip to Ontario. I've slowed down. I've needed this time to catch up with myself. I've cleared my spaces and perhaps after this weekend (Mercury moves out of retrograde on the 25th), I'll be ready to get all of those words and ideas floating to the surface once again.
I know this is a weird post and I swear, I had no idea where it was going when I sat down and typed that first sentence. But here is where I am. Breathing, clearing space, making room for all that is to come.
Namaste my friends.
N~
this is six: the reboot
Six years ago to the minute (it is now 8:55 PM), after about 7 hours of labour, I was fully dilated and about to start pushing. By 9:05 pm, I had delivered my second child, a girl. Our perfect, full-term, straight to the breast, easy-peasy girl. When my husband first told me that she was a girl, I felt two things. Panic and complete and utter surprise.
And then panic again.
How was I going to raise a girl? I only know boy stuff. I have a house full of boy stuff. I know how to change boy diapers. I can DO boy. And I fully expected to be doing all that boy stuff again with our second one - hence the surprise part of my feelings.
Under the surprise and the joy was the panic though. That first night, she latched on to my breast within 45 minutes of being born and only came off for a quick wipe down and check by the nurses. She suckled all night long (her big brother had kept my supply going throughout my pregnancy so there was no real waiting for my milk to come in). And while she did, I stared at her. I stared and marvelled and traced every inch of her tinyness and fell in love.
And yet, the panic was still there.
It wasn't so much the logistics of caring for a newborn girl baby that had me all tied up in knots (although the amount of dirty diaper wiping needed for girl babies versus boy babies is vastly under-reported in all the baby books!), it was the whole concept of RAISING a girl in this world that had me feeling ALL the anxiety. It was the feeling of being a previously (and most likely still) slightly broken girl raising another girl. That first night, all the thoughts of what her life would be consumed me. I thought of how I was going to manage to not pass on to her all of my own issues with self-esteem and self-worth? Of how I would be able to help her navigate a world that automatically sees her as an other, just for being born a girl? Of how I was going to be able to help her through the mean girl years - teaching her both how to not be one and how not be picked on by one? But mostly, I thought of how this was the universe telling me that what goes around comes around. That she was going to be my mini-me and I had better be prepared for that.
Dear Universe. I do so hate it when you are right.
She is a mini me.
Except, it's in all the best ways possible.
And while I still panic every now and then about raising my daughter in this messed up world of ours, it is somewhat less than what it was on that first day when I held her and stared at her for 24 hours straight. Not because our world is any less messed up than it was then, but because I am. And because I am fixing the broken parts of me, the ones that tell me that I am not good enough, not strong enough, not {insert ingrained pattern of belief here) enough, I am in turn raising a girl child whom I hope will never internalize those kinds of beliefs about herself.
At six years old, my own world came crashing down around me as my parents split up. No one was able to tell me why in a way that made sense to my then six-year old brain, and the messages about myself that I have carried with me ever since have been ones of low self-worth and un-lovableness. It is hard to unlearn 30-plus years of patterned beliefs about one's self. BUT... Because I see so much of myself when I look at my daughter now, in those hard parenting moments {and in the good ones too}, I get to stop and think of what six-year old me needed to hear those very many years ago and say those things to my own child.
I want the words that my daughter hears me speak to and about her now, to become the voice that she hears in her head as she grows up.
Loving words. Forgiving words. Kind words.
That is my birthday wish for her today and all her days.
My beautiful life lesson.
My gift from the Universe.
My girl.
XO,
n~
Sharing is nice.
Sometimes I like to share new things that I find with everyone. This is one of those times.
~~
These are quite possibly the most comfortable and flattering (on anyone) dresses I have ever owned. I have this one that I have worn at least 3 times since it arrived in my mailbox a week and a half ago and another one on the way! They have pockets that fit your phone/keys, come in great colours and patterns, and are made in the USA in small batches by a women-run company. I could go on and on, but really, just check out their website and get yourself one. I promise, you won't be disappointed. I only wish I had gotten this red one in my size before it sold out :(
Poppy King is The Lipstick Queen and in her own words,
"FOR ME, NOTHING IS AS GLAMOROUS OR AS EMPOWERING AS LIPSTICK.
It doesn’t just brighten up my face, it fires up my confidence, making me feel like I can take on the world! My mission is to help you feel the same way! Ever since I fell in love with the transformational power of a simple slick of lipstick, I’ve been obsessed with finding the perfect textures and shades to express every facet of a woman’s personality. There’s a lipstick for every mood, every occasion and every outfit and I am devoted to helping you find them.
So stick with me and my lipstick will stick with you!
Like Poppy, lately I too have been on the hunt for the perfect red lipstick shade that will work for me. I tried MAC, I tried Bobby Brown and then I went to my favourite local store, LUX Beauty Boutique, and was introduced to Lipstick Queen. And just like that, I have suddenly become a lipstick girl. Which my kids think is hilarious and have started insisting that I kiss them on the cheek to leave my lip marks on them.
I opted to get the Discovery Kit with three shades in it (Retail price $54.00 CDN) and I love all of them. The lipsticks are more of a mix between a gloss and a full coverage lipstick and don't feel overwhelming for a lipstick newbie like me. The Medieval shade is their universal red and I bought the red liner too, so I can intensify it for more of an evening look when I want to. I think the new red lips kind of go with all the fall leaves changing colours around here too.
Consignment Store Shopping
In the past week, I have shopped at two different consignment stores. While this is not really a big deal, it was a new thing for me. I usually like my new clothes or shoes fresh of the shelves with the perfect fold creases still on them or that distinctive "new" smell to them. I was getting frustrated by not being able to find a nice fall jacket anywhere, I remembered a friend telling me about the consignment store where she got her jacket last year and decided to check it out. While I didn't find a jacket that day, I did find a great Guinevere by Free People sweater for $34.00. Two days later at another store I scored a practically brand new pair of MizMooz booties and a turquoise Matt&Nat purse, and spent under $75.00 for both. Lesson learned; one woman's "not quite me anymore" is another's "these are PERFECT and half the price"!
My 10 minute morning meditation video.
I have been doing this thing where I choose one new habit to work on every week. Last week it was waking up 1/2 hour earlier than usual and doing some mediation and/or a quick workout before the rest of my family wakes up. I am happy to report that 4/5 days I did in fact get up and do this and already this week getting up earlier doesn't feel like a struggle. I found this quick guided meditation video on Youtube (it was literally the first one on the search list) and I liked it and it has now become my new way to welcome the day and get going.
~~
XO,
natasha~
rocket science
Momentum. In physics it is defined as the property or tendency of a moving object to continue moving. In life, and figuratively, momentum can refer to the tendency of a person or group to repeat recent success. And in both, it can come to an abrupt stop when a large obstacle is placed in front of the moving object and it can be difficult to regain that momentum again.
This in how I have been feeling lately. Like I just can't get my momentum back. I feel like I am free-falling like Sandra Bullock in Gravity, floating and spinning in space with no way to get back to the space station. Basically, I need George Clooney to tether me and tell me what to do.
(Okay, so I don't really need George to tell me what to do, but as I type this, I suddenly see a whole new internet meme starting...)
At one point in the movie, when telling her about the re-entry vessel, George says to Sandra, "You just point the damned thing at Earth and go. It is not rocket science."
This summer we had a huge obstacle placed in front of us and normal life stopped. Thankfully, we all made it through that time and are now getting back to normal, but it is a new normal for all of us. There is a weird kind of comfort to being in hospital and having that cocoon of professionals and therapy schedules and routines protecting everyone from the real world. And then one day, you are officially 'discharged" and forced out of that cocoon to figure out how to fly on your own with your new wings. The rush and excitement and anxiety of getting ready for back to school and then the actual getting back to school has passed. Our new routines, the kids new activities and our new normals are starting to establish themselves in our lives. And yet, *I* still feel untethered.
A lot of my life feels like it is in auto-pilot and while I am doing all the things that need doing, I am not necessarily doing them, to use a term both my therapist and my yoga teacher like to use a lot, MINDFULLY. I get up, I get everyone ready for school, I drive them to school, I do the errands, I pick up the kids from school and take them to activities, I make dinner, I clean up, I do laundry, I watch TV/play Candy Crush/read, I go to bed. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I am finding it difficult to switch off that dial that has been on at full strength for the past four months. You know, the 'take care of all the things and all the people' one. Granted, as a mother, it is one that is never fully off, but I think I have to figure out how to at least dial it down a bit and turn up the one beside it called "take care of YOU". The trick is actually doing that and then not feeling guilty about it. Because the thing is, while I still have a role as mom and protector and wife and home-keeper to do, I have a larger role as Natasha too. And without her, all those other roles can't and won't be done with any sense of fulfilment and joy.
So.
Even though my momentum and personal growth journey may have come to a hard stop a few months ago due to circumstances beyond my control, now it is time to get going again. To pick up where things stopped and start/continue moving again.
Because George is right.
Okay George, whatever you say.
n~
willow
I have this beautiful girl in my life. She is my constant. She loves me like no one else, is always happy to see me and somehow knows just what to do whenever I am feeling blue. She is my companion, my protector, my goof, my comfort and yes, sometimes my headache too. And since the very first day that we met, and she put her head on my lap and looked at me with those big brown eyes, she set up camp in my heart and has occupied it without fail every day of her life. This week marks the tenth year of that life and of our lives together.
This is my Willow.
~~~~~
We didn't know her when she was this teeny, but look at what a cutie she was. The runt of her litter, with what our breeder called a bit of an anxiety issue (which she still has), we fell in love with her the day we met her at 12 weeks old and two weeks later, we brought her home with us.
Then the fun started. Crate training, puppy school, 2 AM pee-pee walks and that time when we woke up in the middle of the night and panicked because we couldn't find her - she was stuck under our bed. You know, regular new dog parent stuff. Then, there was that other time when I went to work and she chewed her way out of her metal crate and proceeded to pee and poop on the floor in front of my desk in my home office, as if she was telling me how NOT cool it was to leave her.
She came on road trips to the mountains and hiked our favourite trails with us. She learned how to swim in a river in B.C. and then we couldn't get her out of any body of water, EVER! She had a boyfriend across the back alley who was the biggest and most beautiful Bernese Mountain dog you have ever seen and the sight of them playing together and then spooning and cuddling after they had tuckered themselves out is still one of my favourite memories of all time.
She used to like to sleep in very um... interesting positions.
When I was pregnant with my first child and on bed rest, she became VERY protective of me and would always stand/sit/lay down between me and anyone else coming to the door or visiting. And when we finally brought home the baby, would do the same with him. She was and has always been very gentle with her little people. Her name was my daughter's first word, besides Mama and Dada.
She knows she dropped some on the totem pole with the arrival of each kid, but she also knows that she is now loved beyond compare by twice as many humans. Two more bi-pedals to walk and run with her, to throw the ball with her and to rub her belly for her. Yes, they dress her up every now and then, but this is the price you pay for being so loveable and so loved.
She is our family dog, but let's be honest, she is mine and I am hers and we all know it. I am the one whose side of the bed she wants to sleep on. I am the one who gets the jumping up and down crazy paws dance when it is time for a walk, I am the one who gives her ear medicine when she needs it and then all the treats and puppy massages afterwards. I am the one she cries for whenever I have to leave her anywhere (sorry doggie daycare workers and pet groomers and people outside the cafe while I get a coffee for our morning walks) and I am the one whose lap she jumps on to at the vet.
I am her mommy and she is my baby and if that makes me some kind of crazy dog lady than so be it! Because there is nothing in the world that is like the unconditional love of a dog. And this one, she loves me. And I love her. How else do you explain my willingness to go for a walk with her in -40° C in the middle of an Alberta winter?
Happy Birthday my girl!
Mama loves you.
n~
What the tides keep at bay
There is a sacredness to the tides, stepping your feet in the waters of the ocean and having it wash away the sand on your feet, only for more sand to be washed back upon them as the waves keep coming back towards you. The ocean's edge has always been a blissful place for me and it hurts my soul to leave it every time. I am a Capricorn, I am drawn towards bodies of water and to the heights of mountains and I wonder sometimes at the seemingly opposite pull of these two places. It is as if my body craves the solitude that exists in both, that my mind needs it and that I am most at peace when I am either dipping my feet in the waters that connect us all or breathing in the pure air of a mountain top.
Every time we go away to either the ocean or the mountains, I can't help but start planning for our next vacation.The next time I will get to dip my feet in the waters that wash everything away and make things new again, whether those waters come from the top of a mountain or the depths of the earth.
Maybe I am just feeling the effects of the full moon, the tides of our lives that pull us in certain directions, that help us to see things that we haven't seen before. The tides clean off the old dust and wash away what we no longer need, tumble us around to smooth out the rough edges and make us new again.
Maybe it is because I just finished reading The Alchemist and it too pulled at my soul. It made me think of the omens in my life and whether or not I always listen to them or am even aware of them. What would happen to this world we live in if we all did that? If we all listened the the Soul of the World and followed the signs it leaves for us. What if we trusted in love and followed our instincts, instead of constantly getting fooled by our fears?
I know this is all a bit trippy, but the last few days and weeks have made me really look at my life, my fears, the things I say to my kids over and over and the messages and fears that I am passing down to them. My daughter wants to be a ballet dancer and I am stressing over this because of my own fears and insecurities and issues about having a "perfect" dancer's body. The stress I am feeling is not about finding the best dance school for her, it is all about me, projecting my own fears of rejection and ridicule onto her. I am killing her dream before it even begins and I know this and I can't stop the panic I feel about it.
Panic and fear.
I have had enough of both in my life as of late and I so want out of this cycle. Being on the island for our holidays gave me that feeling of peace and a quiet in my soul that has not been there for a long time. I laid in the waters of the Pacific Ocean and the panic and fear was washed away. My family was whole and happy and together and I stepped into those waters every day and felt my connection to the earth and both the smallness and infiniteness of my being and my place in this world.
Now to figure out how to replicate that feeling here, at home, in my every day life, before the panic and fear start creeping in again.
n~
Thoughts on a plane.
I woke this morning with little legs intertwined with mine and wispy fine hair tickling my nose. I don't remember what time she came over, but L snuck into our bed once again last night. Not that I really mind though. After all these years of some form of bed-sharing, it has somehow become the norm for us to all figure out how we fit together and sleep.
We are like a little four person jigsaw puzzle and somehow we manage to fit all the pieces together on our queen-sized bed. No small feat, let me tell you! L’s internal alarm clock woke us all up at 6:44 AM as she slid out of the bed and declared to everyone her need to pee.
.....
I joined a yoga class last week. My friend Mandy has a beautiful little studio in her equally beautiful house and has been teaching yoga and meditation for over 15 years. She is the kind of person in whose company you can't help but feel a sense of calm and serenity.
All of this week, amongst the preparation and angst of me going away for four days to MOM 2.0 Summit, all I could think about was going to yoga with Mandy again. Class was this morning and it was a glorious and much needed hour of practice! And I am not just saying that because she gives all of us a neck massage as we lay in our final savasana. I had rushed into the studio after dropping of the kids at school with a raging storm of pre-travel and pre-conference anxiety nestled in my solar plexus and what I can only describe as angry moths (as opposed to butterflies) in my tummy. I set my intention for my practice of 'calming the storm within' and for the next hour I breathed and moved my way to a place of calm waters, glorious sunshine and openness of mind, body and spirit.
Mandy spoke of the Hindu Goddess Shiva, who is known as the destroyer. How destruction is not always a negative thing and that it is often necessary in life in order to clear away the old and make room for new things to flourish. It reminded me of the forest fire video that the kids and I watch at the museum that shows the time-lapsed regrowth of the forest after the devastation and destruction of the fire. There is beauty in this process and it takes looking at it from a little bit of a different angle to see this and to know that the fire had to happen for the life of the forest to be sustained. I started thinking about all of the things/feelings/ways of thinking that we hold on to in our own lives, for whatever reason (safety, habit, tradition), that no longer serve us. Perhaps it is time to let Shiva in to do her thing, so that we can make room for and create the right nurturing environment for new things to take root.
.....
Airports make me nervous. Granted more often than not it is more of an excited nervous, but still it is there. I get anxious about getting there on time, I am worried that I forgot to pack something, I worry about losing my boarding pass and saying goodbye and "please dear God be on the other end" to my checked luggage. I remind myself about a dozen times to go to the bathroom before getting on the plane - because, hello - men and airplane bathrooms - Duh! I start to relax a bit after I've passed through security, which, by the way, is always a special full body pat-down treat when one had metal implants.
The first leg of my trip this weekend is to the Twin Citiies. One of the things I also do when flying is play the "I wonder where they are going" game about all of the other travellers on my flight. I am on a small plane, an E170-CP, that is full to capacity and if I were to hazard a guess, I'd say 75% of the passengers are men who look like they are travelling for work - briefcases, laptops and androids abound. I mention this because I am sitting in the window seat surrounded on all three sides by said business men. Once we were up in the air, I tried to recline my seat and the man behind me got a bit agnry about it and gave me a big, "JESUS, lady"! It seems my comfort was infringing upon his very important newspaper reading. I apologized and brought my seat back upright and then noticed two things that I was doing. One, I was physically making myself smaller, trying not to take up to much space from the 'important' people around me, and two, I had to consciously STOP the self-talk that started in my head about me being "just" the silly little housewife going away to her silly little blogging conference.
That was the moment I pulled out my laptop and started writing. All of the men and women on this plane are doing important things in their lives, of this I have no doubt. And not one of them is without his or her own fears or worries or insecurities (even though some may not be as kind as others).
All of these thoughts have led me to want to set an intention for my time at the Mom 2.014 Summit this weekend and this is it:
I intend to see beyond myself and to recognize the connections we all have to each other. The needs we all have to be seen, to be valued and to know that whatever we choose to "do" for a living, or for a life, is important, is worthwhile and is done as uniquely as we all are ourselves.
.....
Let the conferencing, connecting and celebrating begin!
natasha~
making time for practice
Everything is a practice these days. We must practice gratitude, practice meditating, practice writing (or whatever your creative outlet is), practice our sport/yoga/fitness regime of choice, practice healthy eating, practice drinking more water and on and on.
I know it, you know it, but damn it, sometimes it just feels like NO ONE HAS TIME FOR ALL OF THAT PRACTICING!
In an effort to be a better practitioner of LIFE and all the things in it that give me joy and meaning, I am making a conscious effort to make time to practice some gratitude.
Right here. Right now.
Ok, here goes...
On Sunday, my family let me sleep in until 10 AM. My husband got up with the kids, fed everyone, walked the dog and then they just let me be. I eventually got out of bed, had a nice long shower and meandered out of my room around 10:30AM. It was glorious!
.....
And then, my daughter went into the play room, made 4 animal puppets from a foam craft kit ALL BY HERSELF and proceeded to cast herself and her brother in a puppet show for my enjoyment. I sat back, drank a cup of the new Goddess tea that I picked up at the Make It show and enjoyed my children's imaginations!
.....
Later that day, they asked if we could go to the library, "...the one with the fancy roof Mom." So off we went. I brought my laptop and my notebook and while the kids were off choosing books and playing phonics games on the library computers, I started to write and catch up on some #YearofWriting assignments (I am terribly behind in these!). The funny thing is, I haven't stopped writing since then. Either in the notebook (some things really are just for me) or here on my blog.
.....
Hmmmm.... maybe there is some truth to this practice thing. I'll keep going.
I have a hard time remembering or enjoying drinking 8+ glasses of water a day. So I made a deal with myself. I'll drink more of it IF it is bubbly. I bought a case of San Pellegrino at Costco and for the past few weeks have been happily drinking all the sparkly water I can! And just in case you were wondering, no, it is not bad for me and yes, it is just as hydrating as flat water.
.....
I do not like doing laundry. I will procrastinate doing this task until someone runs out of a critical piece of clothing and then starts asking me about it. I will then reluctantly start the sorting and washing and drying of said clothing. This usually drags out for a few days (Ok, fine, a week or more) and then, just as I have finally folded all the laundry from one week, I have to start on another weeks worth. Yesterday, I did 5 loads of laundry, folded 4 of them, put them away and now only have the towels left to finish folding today. The sense of accomplishment I have over this simple thing is completely ridiculous and yes, it is something that I could get used to. With practice. ;)
.....
OK, I don't want to overdo it here...
I'll keep this up and start a little bit of a weekly #gratitude post because...
PRACTICE!!
with gratitude,
n~