How to relieve tension: A list.
I feel like today is a list day. The past few days (weeks?) have been trying ones around here. I have an almost 7 year old son who wishes he was a grown up so he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants, who thinks he KNOWS everything and who likes to speak at a volume that most people reserve for the front row of an ACDC concert.
So because of all the yelling that I have been doing, all the frustrations I am feeling, all the tension in my upper back, I give you the following:
The top 15 reasons my kid is the BEST EVER!
1. He gives full body hugs. Arms, legs, all of him is in it.
2. Regardless of how crappy our day is, he tells me how much he loves me before he goes to sleep at night. Most of the time it is "more than all the grains of sand on all the beaches in all the world".
3. He knows more about dinosaurs than any other person I know, big or little!
4. He still crawls into bed with me every morning for a snuggle and sleeps in my arms exactly like he did when he was an infant.
5. He has the core strength of an Olympic gymnast and could likely shame a grown man with his plank and one handed push ups!
6. He has some MAD illustrating skills and can draw a wicked Godzilla (circa 1998).
7. When he laughs, he does so with his whole body and soul!
8. He bugs her mercilessly every day, but on the playground, NO ONE messes with his baby sister.
9. He can climb anything. And scares the SHIT out of me doing so!
10. He wears his heart on his sleeve and is not afraid of his emotions or of showing them. It's the part of him I know he got from me.
11. We have a secret mom and kid handshake that means "I love you".
12. He will eat almost anything at least once!
13. He calls me on my bad language or when I break any of our house rules.
14. He is not fearless, but will push himself to face his fears and overcome them.
15. He is and always will be my baby boy!
I do love this kid!
natasha~
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Summer Blog Challenge: Updated List Here!
Back to School Worries
School brings out the scared, picked-on, not very popular, always in hand-me down clothes, gap-toothed, insecure, child of a broken home, 12 year old in me. In my mind I time travel back almost 30 years and walk down that long lonely hallway lined with army green lockers and ridiculous construction paper themed bulletin boards feeling the eyes of the more popular kids looking at me and judging, pointing, laughing. It's never a fun trip, I assure you.
So you can imagine my apprehension as the start of a new school year approaches. My oldest is entering grade 1 and my baby is going to kindergarten and I am a bit of a basket case right now.
Now, I am not a basket case in the unprepared and procrastinating kind of way. Nope. All school supplies are purchased, backpacks procured, new outfits and indoor shoe needs are all taken care of. I am instead worried about who their teachers are, who they are going to be in their classes with, how they are going to mesh with their friends, new and old, if anyone is going to pick on them, and how they are going to navigate the big bad world of life away from me and the sometimes brutal 'Game of Thrones' that is the playground at recess.
The problem is that while I am internally freaking out about this, externally, I am exhibiting all of these issues that are completely mine as frustration and exasperation with my children. I am yelling more, I am not actually being present for them RIGHT NOW, as I am too worried about what will be happening a month from now. This in turn is making them incredibly sensitive to everything I say or do. My poor girl thinks that every time I tell her something or correct her about anything that she is in deep trouble and then there are tears, lots and lots of tears. 'Not so Little Anymore' C just goes straight to tuning out almost anything I say, in what I assume is a pre-emptive move before he hears me try to say something that he just doesn't want to hear or tell him to do something that he doesn't want to do. If I had a SASS-o-Meter for that one, it would be out the roof right now!
What I am essentially saying is that the level of communication I have with my children at the moment is seriously lacking. I don't really have an excuse for it either, aside from the incessant worrying and my own internal bullies that keep threatening to drag me back to that hallway to be slammed into a locker once again. I worried back then that I was never good enough for anything or anyone, that I was unlovable (yes, yes, I know, I have abandonment issues), and that I would never have any friends who liked me for who I really was. And now, I am afraid I am projecting these fears onto my kids.
I worry that my behaviour as of late, is making them worried that I don't love and accept them for who and what they are. C is always seeking my approval and asking me if I am proud of him, and L worries that if I say I love you to someone other than her that I don't love her anymore. Somehow I have neglected to let them know or tell them the following. I am ridiculously proud of my son. He amazes me everyday with his artwork and illustrations and his incredible grasp of numbers and the basic physics of his world. I love that he is such a sensitive kid and is not afraid to show his emotions, it's the part of him that I know he got from me. And my daughter? She is so much me that sometimes it is a bit scary. She is a goof, has her own incredible sense of style, is carefree and easy with her love and blows me away with her daily silliness and her imagination. I am not sure I could love her more if I tried.
All this worrying and the worrying about worrying going on around here over has everyone functioning at such a heightened level of tension that it really doesn't take much for any one of us to snap. And trust me, you'd think this was a house full of crocodiles with the amount of snapping going on and it is high time for it all to stop.
And I am the only one who can actually do that. (Being a grown-up sucks!)
My kids are not me. They won't have the same experiences that I did growing up and no amount of me worrying about what happened 30 years ago is going to A) make it go away and B) make my relationships with my children any better today. I need to focus all of that energy that I am wasting on worrying, on letting them know all of the ways that I love them and on ensuring that they are secure, confident, kind human beings, who will be able to navigate their worlds better than I was ever able to do way back when. It's time for a good heart to heart with my children and for us to hit the reset button before school starts and I COMPLETELY lose my shit!
Natasha~
If only the people who worry about their liabilities would think about the riches they do possess,
they would stop worrying.
~Dale Carnegie
Photo Credit: abbmona on Flickr
P.S. ...this may or may not be the first post for the 2013 #SummerBlogChallenge.
Ding dong, the witch....
...has Bell's Palsy. Last Thursday was C's last day of school. As I dropped him off in the morning for his end of year field trip, I mentioned to a friend that my tongue felt weird. It was kind of numb on both sides and that my coffee tasted "off" that morning. I didn't think much about it for the rest of the day (although the taste thing was still wonky) and we finished the school year with a bang and a slushy drink and a farewell to most until next year.
That night after dinner, I already had the beginnings of a headache and an hour later was in full migraine mode. I popped some meds, had a hot shower and hit the hay pretty hard. When I woke up in the morning, the headache was still there. I gave the kids full reign of Netflix on my iPad a carefully screened movie to watch and fell asleep for another hour. When I finally dragged by sorry head out of bed, I went straight to the shower and spent another 20 minutes trying to steam/soak/spray the ache-y pain away.
When I was finally fully awake and looked at myself in the mirror, it wasn't pretty. I figured things just looked a little "off" because of the massive post-migraine bags under my eyes. And then I went to lick my lips and well, I kind of couldn't. It felt as if I had just had dental work done and the freezing was slowing starting to come out. I could feel touch, but there was some weird numbness and a definite lack of movement in parts of my face.
I chalked up all of these wonky symptoms to the migraine, text-ed my husband about it and just hoped they would go away soon enough.
They did not. And I started to freak out a bit. I checked in with Dr. Google and I was all of a sudden on a medMD page about Hemiplegic Migraines and starting to get more and more concerned. I text-ed B again, proceeded with our plans for the day and took the kids to their summer hair cut appointment.
My anxiety was growing as was the numbness in my face and after a few calls back and forth between B, myself, and my in-laws, within the hour the kids had new do's, they were hanging out with my brother-in-law and I was registered in the emergency room of the hospital. Neurology was called and I was starting to calm down.
By this point, between Dr. Google, my husband and the help of some Twitter pals, I was pretty sure about what was going on and just needed the "official" diagnosis from Neurology. Which came after a relatively short stay in the emergency room and a nice nap thanks to the "courtesy" migraine cocktail the emergency doctor thought couldn't really hurt.
I did indeed have Bell's Palsy.
What exactly is Bell's Palsy you ask? Well, here you go (info from the National Institute of Neurological Disorders)...
Bell's palsy is a form of temporary facial paralysis resulting from damage or trauma to the facial nerves. The facial nerve-also called the 7th cranial nerve-travels through a narrow, bony canal (called the Fallopian canal) in the skull, beneath the ear, to the muscles on each side of the face. For most of its journey, the nerve is encased in this bony shell.
Each facial nerve directs the muscles on one side of the face, including those that control eye blinking and closing, and facial expressions such as smiling and frowning. Additionally, the facial nerve carries nerve impulses to the lacrimal or tear glands, the saliva glands, and the muscles of a small bone in the middle of the ear called the stapes. The facial nerve also transmits taste sensations from the tongue.
When Bell's palsy occurs, the function of the facial nerve is disrupted, causing an interruption in the messages the brain sends to the facial muscles. This interruption results in facial weakness or paralysis.
....
Bell's palsy occurs when the nerve that controls the facial muscles is swollen, inflamed, or compressed, resulting in facial weakness or paralysis. Exactly what causes this damage, however, is unknown.
Most scientists believe that a viral infection such as viral meningitis or the common cold sore virus—herpes simplex—causes the disorder. They believe that the facial nerve swells and becomes inflamed in reaction to the infection, causing pressure within the Fallopian canal and leading to ischemia (the restriction of blood and oxygen to the nerve cells). In some mild cases (where recovery is rapid), there is damage only to the myelin sheath of the nerve. The myelin sheath is the fatty covering-which acts as an insulator-on nerve fibers in the brain.
....
The prognosis for individuals with Bell's palsy is generally very good. The extent of nerve damage determines the extent of recovery. Improvement is gradual and recovery times vary. With or without treatment, most individuals begin to get better within 2 weeks after the initial onset of symptoms and most recover completely, returning to normal function within 3 to 6 months. For some, however, the symptoms may last longer. In a few cases, the symptoms may never completely disappear. In rare cases, the disorder may recur, either on the same or the opposite side of the face.
It's been a week. It has not gotten any worse, which the neurologist says is the best news. He also laughed at me when I told him I was frustrated that it has not gotten any better yet. Seems THAT is not going to happen for a few weeks (or months). Treatment has been some pretty high dose steroids and anti-virals and I am going to go see my acupuncturist this week for some pain relief and general help to, as she puts it, "move the wind".
The most important factor in treatment is protection of the affected eye. I don't know if it will get worse at this point and if I will need to upgrade to an eyepatch, but since wearing contact lenses (and thus sunglasses) is out for the summer, I have been stocking up on hats this week to keep my eye protected while out and about. I have also invested in a fancy pair of over the glasses granny goggles for driving. Oh, yes, people, BP is all kinds of sexy!!
On the plus side, drinking wine (or any beverage for that matter) now involves a straw, so I bought a jumbo pack of rainbow ones just for me! And as I found out last weekend, half a bottle of Skinny Girl, plus another glass or two of white wine makes both sides of my face feel almost equally numb!
So if you see me and I am covering my mouth or trying not to laugh too much (seriously, it hurts to laugh and I look positively evil when I do and then I laugh harder, and look even more like a deranged monkey, so really, it's just not pleasant for anyone), please excuse me.
I have the Palsy.
And NO, I am not winking at you!
Natasha~
Fairy Tales & PIE: why we need both in a marriage.
I am a sucker for a good love story. I love a happy ending when the girl gets the boy of her dreams or vice-versa or the girl gets the girl of her dream, or the boy the boy of his dreams. I am, of course, an equal opportunity love story junkie.
The problem with most love stories is that they end at the "and then they lived happily ever after" and we just assume that this is exactly the case. That love conquers all and it is all they need to keep them happy and together until the end of time.
Imagine if we could see the rest of the story. What happens after the Beast turns back to the Prince and he and Belle start having babies. Or after Ariel loses her fins and becomes human to be with Eric and then decides to take a job that requires her to be away a lot. What happens to all that fairy tale love when reality sets in?
In the past six months it has become painfully evident to me that I am in a phase in my life where I am starting to see the statistics about marriage play out around me. I don't know if it is the 'seven year itch' phenomenon or the 8, 9, 10 or 12 year itch... it just seems to be happening more and more. Every couple is different and has their own struggles to overcome, but I do see a little bit of a recurring theme in a lot of relationships.
It sounds so bloody cliché, but having kids really does change your life. And until it happens to you, it is hard for anyone around you to really "get it". Everything for the next few years (read FOREVER) is all about the kids. This is not all terrible, it is after all, what you signed up for. You and your partner created these little humans together and now it is your job to love and provide for them. Your focus gets easily pulled to nurturing these new relationships with your children and it can be a steep learning curve to figure out how to love them, love yourself and love your partner all at the same time. Life is about growth and development and it is not only our babies who are doing the growing. We are too - as parents, as partners, and as individuals. If we don't recognize this growth, if we stop paying attention to our life partners, a vital connection can be lost. And then, one day, there is a very sobering realization that we don't recognize the person sitting across the table from us or even the person (ourselves) looking across the table anymore.
I am a huge proponent of the attachment theory of parenting and how important it is for our babies to have that strong sense of attachment and bonding with us from the get go. Dr. Gordon Neufeld, and many others who study human psychology and development, say that attachment is THE most significant and pre-eminent need of human beings. Connections and a sense of belonging are what make us human. And if we lose those connections in our most important and intimate relationships, if we try to replace them with things or focus our connections away from our partners, we risk losing those relationships altogether.
If life and the kids and the laundry and the yard work and work work and Facebook time and gaming and working out and taking everyone to their activities and whatever else you've got going on, is taking up ALL OF YOU, it is doing so at an expense. We may think that that expense is being tired all the time and not having time for ourselves, let alone our partners, but I am telling you now, that NO, that is not it. The expense is the subtle, slipping away of trust and confidence and the very foundation that supports our relationships.
It is very easy to fall into patterns of behaviour when our babies and toddlers are small and require so much from us. We have a schedule for naps and for feedings, a routine for bedtime, a weekly colour-coded calendar full of music/swim/parent&me/gymnastics/art classes. Not to mention all the rest of the work that needs to be done at home, at the office, at the home-office or what have you. I don't know about you, but I remember so many days that I would forgot to even feed myself, let alone have a conversation or a meal with my husband. Being an attached and connected parent is a wonderful thing, but if you don't continue to nurture the original connection and attachment that MADE your child(ren), then where does that leave you?
I just finished reading Brené Brown's book, "Daring Greatly". In the chapter about Debunking the Vulnerability Myths, one paragraph really struck me. In it Brené talks about the betrayal of disengagement:
"When the people we love or with whom we have a deep connection stop caring, stop paying attention, stop investing and stop fighting for the relationship, trust begins to slip away and hurt starts seeping in. Disengagement triggers shame and our greatest fears - the fears of being abandoned, unworthy, unlovable. What can make this covert betrayal so much more dangerous than something like a lie or an affair is that we can't point to the source of our pain - there's no event, no obvious evidence of brokenness. It can feel crazy-making."
My husband and I have always had a little bit of a relationship radar in place that lets us know when life is getting the best of us. I am pretty sure that everyone has some kind of early warning system in their own relationship. It all comes down to how much or how little attention is paid to it. The increased bickering, the loss of physical connection, the muttering under the breath, being super sensitive to every little thing said to each other - these are the warnings that we can sometimes overlook or not really think too much about, but this is just a small list of the tiny betrayals that can build on each other. And if no one is paying attention to the physical, intellectual and emotional needs of their partner (I think I'll call that P.I.E.!) than going through the motions of a marriage or life partnership will never leave anyone feeling fulfilled. Every little hurt starts to adds up and disconnection is the sum result.
We've all heard it said before, love takes work. It is a choice we have to make every day. It takes a fair amount of vulnerability too. And for a lot of people, accessing that vulnerable place in themselves is a major hurdle. It's a risk to say to the person you are supposed to be totally in love with that something is off. That THIS, the way things are RIGHT NOW, is not working for you. We'll do a lot to avoid these kinds of conversations and our fears only serve to push us further away from each other. We work more, take extra shifts, spend more time on Facebook/Pinterest/Twitter. We become obsessed with perfection and our focus becomes on how we look, how the house looks, and how the world sees us. We drown our fears in booze or food. We live with what Brené Brown calls "scarcity" and become governed by self-talk and thoughts of never being "enough" of anything to anyone. It's the mother of all shame spirals and the only way out of it is to face those fears, be your most vulnerable self and start paying attention.
For me, that meant finding a good therapist to help me face my own negative self-talk and the ways that I avoid my own vulnerability. Jane* has made me realize that I can choose to change the way I think and I don't have to revert to my default avoidance setting of "fixing" everyone else's lives around me and ignoring my own problems. It has also meant having some very honest conversations with my husband and of us sharing our greatest fears within our relationship with each other. Trust me, this was not an easy task for either of us, but I truly believe that it has made all the difference. We are both more aware and focused on making sure that we are both getting our fair share of the P.I.E. more so now than ever before.
I said it above, but it bears repeating:
Attachment, connection and belonging are the pre-eminent needs of all human beings.
We are all doing our very best to ensure that we are nurturing that kind of relationship with and for our children and most of us are getting pretty good at this attachment parenting stuff. We need to remember that we too are humans and have those same basic and vital needs. To satisfy them within our significant and intimate relationships, we all need to remember to keep working on our ATTACHMENT MARRIAGE-ING and keep the focus on our own happily ever afters!
Natasha~
P.S. You all know how much I love Pink and she always know exactly what to say way better in song version...
[youtube]http://youtu.be/OpQFFLBMEPI[/youtube]
make your bed and be on time
Happiness is a funny thing. Sometimes it hits you just as hard as its arch-nemesis, sadness and/or depression.
And then you don't know what to do about it.
You don't want to talk about it, because then you'll *JINX* it. You don't want to celebrate anything too wildly, because you don't want to seem boastful or like you are rubbing it in anyone's face. And because of the nature of our often cruel and spiteful world, you hold your breath, silently enjoying your happy, while at the same time, constantly looking over your shoulder, waiting for that ominous other shoe to drop.
But why should anyone feel ashamed of being happy? That just seems incredibly counter intuitive to the whole concept.
Yet, there it is.
I'd like to blame the Internet for this shame (or more specifically, Facebook), but that's not quite right. The Internet, for all that we capitalize the word, it not an identity, not a person or persons that we can "blame" for our happiness, our sadness, or any emotion that we feel. The Internet is a means of communicating, of connecting and of sharing information. How we FEEL about that information is completely up to us. We are in charge of our use of it and of how much or how little of it we filter.
Last week, I read about tech journalist Paul Miller's return to the Internet after 365 days offline. I think most people, including Paul, expected this grand epiphany to occur during his time away from the digital world. He left the internet to find the 'Real Paul', because he thought that being online had somehow 'corrupted' him. What he in fact ended up realizing was not quite what he had in mind.
What I do know is that I can't blame the internet, or any circumstance, for my problems. I have many of the same priorities I had before I left the internet: family, friends, work, learning. And I have no guarantee I'll stick with them when I get back on the internet — I probably won't, to be honest. But at least I'll know that it's not the internet's fault. I'll know who's responsible, and who can fix it.
Right now, at this moment in my life, I am happier than I have been in months.
Life does not feel overwhelming to me right now. Maybe it is because I have slowed down and am paying closer attention to the little things more. Maybe it's because I am paying someone a crap-load of money to let me cry buckets in her office and leave all of the sadness there before our time is up. Maybe it's because I have FINALLY realized that flying by the seat of one's pants is not always the best way to go about one's life, especially when you are the one responsible for other, smaller people's lives as well.
I believe that a strange combination of a lot of little things has added up to me being a happier, more calm, more zen version of me than I have ever been before. Some of these things may seem silly, but here are just a few examples of what makes me feel happy these days.
All the beds are made every morning in our house. I never thought of unmade beds as a big deal before. We were just going to go to sleep in them again in 12-16 hours, so why bother making them? Well, I am here to tell you that it does make a difference. A made bed looks better, it makes you feel ORGANIZED and it gives you a good jumping off point in the mornings. And why spend all that money on a fancy duvet cover only to crumple it up in a ball every day?
Being on time. For those of you who don't know me very well, punctuality is NOT one of my virtues. It's a running joke within my family that I am told to arrive at least 30 minutes before the actual start time for any important events. My clock in my car is set 17 minutes ahead for the same reason. It got to the point that the one time a few months ago when we were early for an appointment and I mentioned this to the kids, my son looked at me and said, "Mom, what does early mean?" I vowed then and there to change that and for the most part, I have. Now he asks me if we are going to be TOO early everywhere we go.
Date nights. My husband and I have always had date nights, but we used to fill them with things to do. We would go to a movie or shop or stroll through Ikea or go for a drive. Date nights now are dinner at a new restaurant we haven't tried before. They are a minimum of three hours long and we eat wonderful food and we TALK. We talk about our life, we talk about others, we discuss plans for the future, we people watch and and *sometimes* we make up funny stories about the folks at the next table. We sit across the table and give each other our undivided attention. It's not just about getting out of the house and away from the kids, it's about growing together and discovering all over again why we love each other so much. And... *ahem*... all that intellectual stimulation makes for great foreplay!
No more Facebook. I know it seems silly and according to Paul, was not what was making him unhappy, but for me, not engaging on Facebook has somehow given me a release from something that was holding me back. I can't quite articulate what that something was just yet, but I do know that it is not there anymore. I admit that I do creep on FB sometimes and have to keep my account active to manage the page for the Natural Urban Mamas community, but I do not LIKE or COMMENT on anything. It simply doesn't seem genuine to me anymore and although I can see and love all the new baby/new house/new car/fabulous vacations that you are all posting about, I really would rather we went for coffee or I popped over to see you and the baby/house/car/pictures in person.
Losing the fear of just being ME. The other day, my good friend Jen Banks asked me to present an award at The Yeggies, a celebration of all the local and amazing social media folks in my fair city. I was thrilled to do so and immediately said yes. The wonderful Tanis Miller won for Best in Family and Parenting and it was an honour to present the woman who inspired me to blog this well-deserved award. Afterwards someone asked me if I was scared speaking in front of a room full of so many people. I said no, not at all. I may have been nervous right before I hit the stage, but I was not afraid. A few weeks ago, I changed my Twitter handle from @SAHFeminist to @NatashaChiam. And while it is a bit scary to put one's REAL name out there for all the Internet to see, it felt right. Just like being up on a stage with a microphone in front of me does.
It's a strange thing to be fearless. I don't think that it means to fear nothing. That would just be silly, because if a tiger escaped from the zoo and made its way to my back yard, trust me, there would be FEAR (and possibly some soiled underpants as well). I think fearless means to be brave and the dictionary defines brave as "being able to face fear and danger without flinching." *I* say being brave and fearless means being able to face LIFE without flinching.
And in that regard, I believe that fearlessness is a direct line to happiness. If we can face our lives without flinching, if we can own who we are, the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly, and if we can do so honestly, than one day, without you even seeing it coming, HAPPINESS is going to come right up to you, smack you in the face and say,
HA!!
GOTCHA!!
Natasha~
Photo Credit: Sparklerawk on Flickr
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What about you? How do you define happiness? Or fearlessness?
Everyone needs a good coach in their life...
I have Jessica Zapata of Infinite Fitness. And she is going to help me to LOSE....
A LOT!
Food.
Jessica has told me for years now that in order to lose weight, it doesn’t really matter how much I work out, if I don’t change my eating habits, it will be all for naught.
And so here is where I get to tell you that I have some pretty bad eating habits.
Not so bad that I am putting junk food in my mouth every chance I get and hitting the McD’s drive-thru every other day, but bad enough that I don’t even think I realize how detrimental all the “little” things that I do are to my body and my health and fitness goals.
What are all these little things you ask?
Well, first of all, I eat fast. I have two kids who are in two different schools and also in various activities across the city and in order to get to where we need to be at whatever time we need to be there, MY meals tend to be rushed and not really MEALS at all. A banana here, a handful of carrots there, whatever the kids don’t eat off of their plates or whatever I can grab to eat in the car. Trust me folks, a grande skinny vanilla latte and honey-glazed almonds do not a good breakfast make.
Hitting {my} milestones
***As I was cleaning up my ridiculous draft folder full of half-written, what the heck was I thinking, random thoughts posts and I came across this one. I wrote it more than a year ago and can’t for the life of me figure out why I never hit publish on it.
So here you go… Oh and look at how LONG my hair was!!!***
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Milestones.
We all have them.
Your first tooth.
Your first haircut.
Your first step.
Your first day of school.
Your first kiss.
High School Graduation.
Your first REAL job!
Your first time.
Your first vote.
Your first love.
Your first car. (Note to the guys that this is not the same as the milestone above!)
And all of a sudden you are a full-fledged adult.
You have a job, bills to pay, an apartment to clean, friends you can count on and perhaps someone special to love as well.
Your life is all before you and is really is your oyster!
You have dreams of your life and what you want it to look like....
You hit another major life milestone, turn thirty and there it all is laid out before you.
The career that gives you freedom and power and travel and perks and one heck of a nice salary.
The man who will sweep you off your feet and be the one who stands so far out of the crowd that you can't help but fall in love with him.
The perfect wedding in the mountains, surrounded by so many that love you.
The starter home that you build together.
The trips and travelling that will take you to amazing and exotic places.
The beautiful babies your love will create.
When I hit my 30th birthday I was excited. I had all of these amazing life experiences to look forward to.
The past 10 years have been the most fulfilling, challenging, character developing ones of my existence. They have {re} defined me as a woman, a wife, a mother, a sister and a daughter.
If you asked 30-year old me what 40-year old me would look like or be doing with her life, I am pretty sure THIS would not be it.
Not that what I am doing is a bad thing, just probably not what the newly-engaged, childless, career-focused, younger me would have envisioned.
I would have never seen myself being a stay-at-home mom. I didn't have one, so I just sort of thought I would never be one.
I would never in a million years have seen myself as a breastfeeding, natural birthing, babywearing, attachment parenting advocate. It's was not what I was brought up with or witnessed growing up and really, who ever REALLY thinks about all of these things before they even get pregnant. I assure you I did not!
I never imagined I would leave a career that I fought for and worked so hard at. One that gave me such satisfaction and great opportunities for moving up in the corporate world. I had my palms read sometime in my twenties and at that time the reader told me that I would always be a 'career' woman. I truly believed her. I guess I just ended up choosing a different kind of career.
Why all this retrospection you ask?
Last week I read a post by a mama on Twitter about her thoughts on turning 30 and it got me thinking about how our lives are so much the same yet so much different. A lot of what she has accomplished before her 30's, I did IN my thirties. I really do think it was my best decade. I entered it in 2002 a very different woman than the one I was when I exited it in 2011. I GREW so much in those 10 years. I also happened to grow people in those years and I know that those two amazing events accounted for a lot of the growth in me.
On January 1st of 2012, I hit yet another major life milestone.
I turned forty.
Up to that point I had all these thoughts of what this year would be like for me.
I wanted to have a BIG Birthday party to celebrate, but in the end, it just didn't really happen and I let the day come and go without it being a big deal.
I have been wanting to write about my year of being 40 here on the blog, sort of like what @CoffeewithJulie did for her 40th with her #MonthofMe posts in October 2011. You know, a diary of sorts letting you all know how wonderful it is and how yes, of course 40 is the new 20. (Side note: Can someone PLEASE tell me what that means? Because I may have done some things in my 20's that I am not overly proud of and could seriously not even attempt at this point in my life without a paramedic crew waiting in the wings!!)
My sweet dear husband has indulged my desires to make this the year of me and on the 1st of every month, he has been making me AWESOME cards and giving me a small present. He has been calling this year the "10th Anniversary of my 30th Birthday!" And man, do I ever love him for all that he is doing to make this year easy on me and so special. But I think herein lies the crux of my problem with forty so far.
I can't continue on like this, trying to relive or dwell on my past and think that my thirties where my best decade. I may be getting old{er}, but in this thing called LIFE, I am a far cry from DONE! If my thirties where so much better than my twenties, then what is stopping my forties from being that much more than my thirties?
Aside from myself that is....
You see, I may be having somewhat of a mid-life crisis right now. Okay fine, crisis may be too strong a word. Let's call it a mid-life, "oh-my-god-what-do-I-do-now?" moment. I really am having a tough time setting, or even figuring out what my life goals are right now.
The last ten years have been filled with so many goals and projects and such that I just kept going and going. Marry the boy, have the babies, build the houses, build the business, build a brand, be a baby mommy, plan the holidays, meals, activities, school, etc... It has all been so very non-stop. Until now.
The business was closed. The dream home was built. The babies are growing up {way too fast for my liking} and everything is good.
But...
If you asked me for my five year plan or that ever annoying "where do you see yourself in 5-10 years" question, you would get a big ol' blank stare from me. Because I really DON'T KNOW.
Now, I am not saying that everyone needs to have a very set and specific life plan, but it helps to have some goals and aspirations right?
I bought this back book in January and must have packed it away shortly thereafter. Looks like it might be high time to crack this baby open and figure out what exactly it is I want to do with the rest of my life!
I do know one thing for sure. My 40's are not going to be like my 20's or my 30's... they are going to better.
That is a goal right?
Natasha~