Am I pretty? And other ways we use the internet...
A couple of weeks ago I came across something on the internet that made my heart and my head hurt. It made me hurt for the awkward, unpopular, misunderstood, lost teenage girl that I was oh so many years ago, and it made me hurt for all the awkward, unpopular, misunderstood, and lost teenage girls that are doing this THING today.. The thing I am talking about is a YouTube phenomenon called, " Am I Pretty or Ugly?". Girls, many of them young teenagers, upload a video of themselves and ask the collective opinion of the brutally honest (read: cruel) YouTube commenters to tell them if they are, you guessed it, pretty or ugly.
I am simultaneously saddened that hundreds of girls are doing this (There are almost 600,000 results when you search for "am I pretty or ugly" on Youtube) and I am curious as to how this phenomenon differs from our culture of sharing/oversharing/liking/+1'ing/RTing and so on that we do everyday on all our various social media sites. If you really think about this, have we actually progressed that far from that insecure teenager looking for some kind of validation?
And if we are also being brutally honest here and the answer is not really, then why is that?
We post multiple different kinds of selfies all over the internet. We post pictures of cakes we have baked and delicious meals we have prepared. We post before and after pictures of our house cleaning. We post pictures of our fancy new nail polish application. We post our #NewDo pics. We post our sweaty faces after a good workout. And then we wait. We wait for the validation of our efforts. We wait for the likes, the <3, the fancy emoticon hearts. We wait for the comments. We wait to be told from friends and strangers alike that, "Yes, yes indeed, you are pretty, talented, organized, creative, sparkly, strong, brilliant, hilarious!" We would all be lying through our teeth if we didn't admit to feeling that validation, that sense of "they like me, they really, really LIKE me" every time there is a new like or comment or favourite or RT on any of the different ways we broadcast ourselves each and every day.
I think we are all guilty of doing a bit of the "am I pretty or ugly" game. We just frame it differently now that we are grown-ups and are, of course, fully confident in ourselves and our lives (ha!). For the most part, we also choose our audience better too (although I suppose this is debatable depending on your followers or friends lists).
Is it any wonder that our children are now using these tools and these sites to seek validation about themselves? Think of the examples we are setting for them all the time. We record all of their special moments and tell ourselves that we are going to go home and make a wonderful video montage of their lives for posterity and what do we do instead? We upload it to Vine or Instagram or Facebook and wait for the "OMG!! So much CUTENESS!!!" comments. We lose the pure thrill of the moment and wait for the thrill of "sharing" that moment with everyone else. We are essentially showing our children that they exist for others entertainment, for mommy and daddy to broadcast to the world and we are telling them that the internet gets a say in their lives. So, it begs the question then, why wouldn't they then take control of this into their own hands once they are able to and seek that validation on their own?
Look, I am not trying to be a hypocrite. I post A LOT of pictures and videos of my kids online. As they get older though, I am becoming more and more aware of how this can and WILL affect them in the future. They will see their photos on the internet and they will see the comments. They will see MY comments and they will read what others have said about them too, the good and the bad.
Something in all of this brings me back to what I learned from Gordon Neufeld last year at his "Raising Kids in a Digital Age" lecture. I went back and had a look at my notes and his slides and found the one I was thinking about.
Dr. Neufeld calls this diagram the "roots of attachment". These roots are the things that all children, all human beings, need to feel like they belong, that they are loved, that they have a strong home base that they are attached to. It's our job as parents to provide all of these things, to ensure that these "roots" have a good strong hold in the ground before the "plant" can grow to its full potential. Yet if you take a closer look at all of these things, most of them can be associated with or superficially fulfilled by one form of Social Media or another. Contact and connection - Friend Request and Follow. Approval and significance - LIKE and RT. Belonging and loyalty - Groups and Lists and Circles. Warmth and Love - comments and <3 and :-) faces!
Listen, you don't have to be a renowned child psychologist to figure out that the internet in all its glorious connectivity, is actually removing us from true human connection and attachment. That in our attempts to give our children all they need to be independent and "successful" in this world, we are actually letting them loose into a world that, for the most part, does not CARE about their best interests, that can and will judge them anonymously for every flaw and every wrinkle in the pattern of their being. Unless we really start to think about how we are raising our children (and how we ourselves are behaving and using Social Media) in this digital age, we are running the risk that our children will see themselves through the distorted and superficial lens of something that, try as they might (through asking questions like "Am I pretty or ugly?) will never fill up their basic human need for connection and attachment and a true sense of self-worth.
I realize that Youtube and social media and the internet are not going anywhere. I just hope that I am setting a good example for my children about how to use it responsibly and also making sure that overall, the roots of their budding trees are getting all the watering and nutrients that they need to thrive in this world, both online and off.
natasha~
*For more information about the 'Am I pretty or ugly?' phenomenon, check out the website and project that performance artist Louise Orwin has started about it.
skinny mirrors, curves and entitlement.
I am washing my hands in the washroom of a greasy spoon diner.
I look up and see myself in the mirror.
I back up a few steps to get a better look at all of me and the outfit of the day.
Hmm... not bad.
And then I decide that this must be one of those 'skinny mirrors'.
..............
This is what it has come to. I am a 41 year old woman, pretty secure in who and what I am and I still have a hard time looking at myself in a mirror without sucking in my cheeks, holding by breath as I suck in my belly and standing up on my tippy toes to create something that I have been taught to believe everyone else thinks is beautiful.
If I do happen to think that I look nice on any particular day, my automatic assumption isn't "Natasha- YOU are beautiful!" it is "what's wrong with this mirror?".
How's that for some messed up thinking?
And I am not sure how, but this insidious thinking is seeping into my little girl's brain too. Yesterday we were getting ready to go outside to do some yard work and she wanted to wear one of her skirts. I said no, that she needed to change into pants. She proceeded to dramatically crumple to the ground in tears claiming that if she was to wear pants that "no one will think I am beautiful!" My BRILLIANT response? "Don't worry honey, Mommy is wearing sweats, so I am not beautiful today either." Thank goodness parenting is a two-person job in our house, as my husband quickly came to the rescue before I inadvertently killed all her self-esteem and said "EVERYONE here is beautiful, we need to wear pants to stay warm. End of story." Logic, that's what my husband brings to the party.
It is no secret that we have a messed up vision of what beauty is in our society. Fashion magazines, TV commercials, giant billboards, all of these things are bombarding us on a daily basis and no matter how hard we try to block it out, this kind of marketing, this perpetual visual reminder of all the "beautiful people" gets into our brains. And into the brains of our little ones too.
Last week the talented, hilarious and beautiful actress Melissa McCarthy was featured on the cover of ELLE magazine in their 'Women in Hollywood' issue. She was photographed in one of fall's hot trends, the oversized jacket and the internet went bonkers! Why? Because she was TOO covered up! Because the photographer did not highlight her curves. Because it can't be a cover shot if there is no skin showing DAMNIT!!
I get it. I get that this is not what we are accustomed to seeing on the cover of magazines. We're used to seeing the thin women in barely there outfits with every supposed 'flaw', every extra pound, every wrinkle, zit, or oversized pore airbrushed to oblivion, (mis)representing the "beautiful people". We all then compare ourselves to this flawless (and photoshopped) ideal that we inevitably are never able to measure up to, you know, because we are not all made from the same human perfection mold.
I looked at that shot of Melissa and thought, 'DAMN girl, you look amazing!' I felt more of a kinship to someone on the cover of a fashion mag than I have in a long time. And then I read a bunch of articles shaming ELLE for covering her up, and tweets from people wanting to see more skin, more of her body and all I could think was how seriously EFF'ed up a society we are that we feel somehow ENTITLED to a woman's body and cheated when we don't get to see as much of it as we want!
I know that the point of all the internet hullabaloo is the double standard. That the thinner women get the skimpy outfits and the full-figured women get covered up. That seems to be the message and the point that everyone from xoJane to HuffPo to Slate and beyond are making in their critique of the cover, but I think this issue goes deeper than that. How is it that somehow if a full-figured woman is in a magazine that she automatically becomes the poster child for curvy ladies everywhere? You don't think that these same media outlets and all the folks demanding to see more of her curves wouldn't be as critical (in a totally different way of course) if she was photographed in a swimsuit?
And do I have to point out as well, that not two weeks before everyone was all, "OMG, don't cover up Melissa, we should see more of her", EVERYONE was telling Miley to "PUT SOME DAMN CLOTHES ON GIRL!!" It seems that we just can't win, so matter what size we are or how much or little we are wearing.
I am a curvy girl, I've got the proverbial junk in my trunk, a 32F bra size and somewhat of a leftover belly from having my babies. And I can tell you that I feel ten times sexier rocking an oversized sweater, jeans and a gorgeous pair of boots, or a maxi dress with some awesome earrings than I ever do in a bathing suit or a skin tight dress that is supposed to "celebrate" all those luscious curves of mine. I know that I would much rather define my beauty according to my standards and comfort in my own skin, than one dictated by a messed up society looking for some skin and a bit more cleavage!
I also have a daughter who, although she shares my husbands and my DNA equally, is my physical mini-clone. And she is the most beautiful creature I have ever set my eyes on. There is no way I am going to let her believe that there is only one way to be beautiful and I am going to make damn sure she knows that no one, and I mean absolutely NO ONE is entitled to seeing, touching or being privy to any part of her body at any time in her life. I don't care what magazine she may or may not eventually be gracing the cover of (crosses all the things and hopes it is Forbes).
Love yourselves my fellow beautiful women, and know that NO, that is not a "skinny mirror", that is all you baby, no airbrushing required!
natasha~
To tweet or not to tweet: That is the question.
I have been active on Twitter for almost 4 years. I was @naturalurbanmom for most of that, @SAHFeminist for a bit and now you can find me @NatashaChiam. I have sent almost 28,000 tweets in that time, have just over 4000 followers and am following ~1900 folks myself. I use Twitter in a few different ways. It is a way for me to stay up to date with news and world events (I follow a few trusted news agencies), to know what's going on in circles that matter to me (feminism, parenting, #YEG), to share my writing and blog with a larger audience and to stay in contact with friends near and far.
I LIKE Twitter. A LOT. I like that it is a real-time social tool and I like a lot of the people I have "met" via this platform. And on Twitter, I am ME. Yes, it also says Stay@HomeFeminist on my profile, and I live that reality every day, online and off.
But like anything in our highly digital world these days, Twitter has an ugly side. Or rather, Twitter allows for the ugly side of humanity to manifest itself a little bit easier.
We see it time and time again. A beautiful woman of colour wins the Miss America pageant and BOOM! The VERY ugly side of Twitter erupts. A woman wants to talk about Tropes in video games/pop culture and her life is threatened. And you can find countless awful examples of sexism and racism all over social media. These days Twitter is the no-holds-barred medium of the troll, the bully, the poor-priveledged-me's and the NIMBY's of the world and you can actually fit quite a few mean and hateful words into 140 characters.
Twitter seems to also be the place for people to have "personas". There is a whole subculture of Twitter, the so-called 'Weird Twitter', where people have anonymous accounts to which they can post all kinds of wacky, often highly inappropriate for everyday conversation things and they get to be all, well... weird. I am not knocking it, I just really don't get it.
And then there are the people who are "really nice IRL (in real life) or offline, but assholes online." To be perfectly honest, these are the ones that I have a hard time wrapping my brain around and the ones that piss me off the most. These are the subtweeters, the "I am not saying anything directly to you, or about you, but I'll just tweet MY OPINION about this topic and you can't get offended because it is only my opinion and it's not my fault if you don't like it." These online assholes are the subtle or not so subtle mockers of the internet. The ones that for some reason actually believe that their ONLINE personas do not represent the 'real' them and because of this and to keep up the act, think that it is totally acceptable for them to be assholes online.
The problem as I see it is this. An asshole is an asshole is an asshole. Whether you are online or off, 140 characters or 1200 words or face-to-face. And you can replace asshole with bully, or someone who plays the victim all the time, or any number of folks who insist on maintaining that their online 'personas' are separate from the real them.
This clip from Louis CK on Conan has been making the rounds this week and I am going to post it again. And while he is talking about why cell phones (and by extension what kids are doing on said cell phones) are toxic for our children, I think that too much of anything is toxic for ANYONE and that too much social media puts us all at risk of losing some of our empathy and turning into the "stupid kids".
[youtube]http://youtu.be/5HbYScltf1c[/youtube]
The validation that people get with a RT or an LMAO or a 'LIKE' is NOT real. The mean words that people write on any social media platform are and can have profound effects on others and for the most part, there are no real world consequences for them. Often these exchanges get chalked up to, "You misinterpreted my TONE' , and/or the apology of the bully, 'I'm sorry you felt bad and misunderstood my words, but that is on you, not me'. Yeah, online or IRL, that shit doesn't fly with me (and for me that kind of behaviour online often results in an unfollow and/or block).
Like she was reading my mind today, Glennon at The Momastery wrote about the dangers of social media (and cereal). She took a 40 day hiatus from social media and learned some life lessons that I definitely needed reminding of today.
And I'd go one step further and say that social media is also a breeding ground for those that like to bulldoze over others in the name of "having an opinion" and for people to let their inner asshole out to play with little to no regard for others or the consequences of their 140 characters.
It's enough to make a girl want to go on an internet fast of her own.
Which is what I just might do.
Maybe.
Starting in about 10 days.
You know, after I get back from that, ahem... social media/blogging conference thing.
{I know, I know, I have a problem.}
Signing off
{for today},
natasha~
I didn't cry.
Even when this happened right in front of me!
My babies are both going to school.
Their classrooms are in the same hallway,
they see each other at recess and they are out there navigating their world without me.
For a few hours at least.
I am left with feelings of pride, some fear, MUCH love,
and much to my surprise,
very little sadness.
And really, it's just too hard to be sad about something that she is so excited about!
Yay School!!
Natasha~
P.S. I went for a massage this morning. NOT sad about being able to do that!
Feminist Fare Fridays: Edition #4
Phew! Is anyone else exhausted after the first week of school? And I don't mean the kids! This was my first week of making lunches everyday, of walking to school and starting to figure out our new one in full-day and one in half-day routines. And so, with school in mind, I give you somewhat of an education-based round up of feminist fare this week!
....................
1. I have a couple of blogging heroes and one of them is the wonderful Annie Urban at Phd in Parenting. (She is one hell of a dance partner too!) And just in case you need to know why, just check out her post on all the back to school and back to gender-role stereotyping that we are inundated with at this time of year. I personally have made a strong effort to stay away from and not buy clothing that turns my kids into walking brand advertisements and reinforces the pink/blue world that we live in! And while I may have favourited a bunch of those "what to make for my kid's lunch" posts" for future reference, the assumption and reinforcement of parental gender roles by mass media is maddening! And PLEASE, make sure you also click on that last link in her post and read up on why mothers shouldn't have opinions.
2. And speaking of mothers and their opinions. There were PLENTY this week in the world of the "mommy bloggers". One particular blogger, we'll call her Mrs. Hall, had a lot to say to all the girls tempting her teenage sons with their racy pyjama'd and {ahem} bra-less Instagram pictures. And then the internet quite literally exploded with various other "open letters" to Mrs. Hall, to the teenage girls she is supposedly addressing and to anyone and everyone who read her post and had an "Uhh, what the...?" kind of reaction to it. I don't have much to add to the conversation that has not been said in the above posts, but suffice it to say I believe that it is this kind of perpetuating of our sexual stereotypes that leads to....
3. THIS! A university's frosh week with 80 student leaders, "leading" 300-400 students into their new lives on campus with a chant about rape. Seriously people, I wish I was kidding. I wish the St. Mary's student union president had not called this chant an "oversight". I wish that just because something has been done "for years" doesn't mean that is is OK and should be continued. I wish that sending a daughter to university didn't mean having to send her with a rape-whistle and a talk about NEVER walking back to her room at residence alone at night. And I hope that this is indeed a teachable moment for these students and for all of us about the pervasiveness of sexism and rape-culture in our {children's} worlds!
4. And then I read something like this and my faith is somewhat restored and I know that the daughters we are all raising will be stronger. That one day very soon, they will be the confident, wonderful, intelligent and fierce women that this world needs!
5. This one has nothing to do with feminism. I just think that this might be the most ridiculously awesome thing I have seen on the internet in ages. And I like foxes!
[youtube]http://youtu.be/jofNR_WkoCE[/youtube]
Happy Friday everyone!
natasha~
(Update: If you have a few hours, Jenna Hatfield at Blogher did a nice round-up of most of the responses to the original post in #2.)
Back to School Worries
School brings out the scared, picked-on, not very popular, always in hand-me down clothes, gap-toothed, insecure, child of a broken home, 12 year old in me. In my mind I time travel back almost 30 years and walk down that long lonely hallway lined with army green lockers and ridiculous construction paper themed bulletin boards feeling the eyes of the more popular kids looking at me and judging, pointing, laughing. It's never a fun trip, I assure you.
So you can imagine my apprehension as the start of a new school year approaches. My oldest is entering grade 1 and my baby is going to kindergarten and I am a bit of a basket case right now.
Now, I am not a basket case in the unprepared and procrastinating kind of way. Nope. All school supplies are purchased, backpacks procured, new outfits and indoor shoe needs are all taken care of. I am instead worried about who their teachers are, who they are going to be in their classes with, how they are going to mesh with their friends, new and old, if anyone is going to pick on them, and how they are going to navigate the big bad world of life away from me and the sometimes brutal 'Game of Thrones' that is the playground at recess.
The problem is that while I am internally freaking out about this, externally, I am exhibiting all of these issues that are completely mine as frustration and exasperation with my children. I am yelling more, I am not actually being present for them RIGHT NOW, as I am too worried about what will be happening a month from now. This in turn is making them incredibly sensitive to everything I say or do. My poor girl thinks that every time I tell her something or correct her about anything that she is in deep trouble and then there are tears, lots and lots of tears. 'Not so Little Anymore' C just goes straight to tuning out almost anything I say, in what I assume is a pre-emptive move before he hears me try to say something that he just doesn't want to hear or tell him to do something that he doesn't want to do. If I had a SASS-o-Meter for that one, it would be out the roof right now!
What I am essentially saying is that the level of communication I have with my children at the moment is seriously lacking. I don't really have an excuse for it either, aside from the incessant worrying and my own internal bullies that keep threatening to drag me back to that hallway to be slammed into a locker once again. I worried back then that I was never good enough for anything or anyone, that I was unlovable (yes, yes, I know, I have abandonment issues), and that I would never have any friends who liked me for who I really was. And now, I am afraid I am projecting these fears onto my kids.
I worry that my behaviour as of late, is making them worried that I don't love and accept them for who and what they are. C is always seeking my approval and asking me if I am proud of him, and L worries that if I say I love you to someone other than her that I don't love her anymore. Somehow I have neglected to let them know or tell them the following. I am ridiculously proud of my son. He amazes me everyday with his artwork and illustrations and his incredible grasp of numbers and the basic physics of his world. I love that he is such a sensitive kid and is not afraid to show his emotions, it's the part of him that I know he got from me. And my daughter? She is so much me that sometimes it is a bit scary. She is a goof, has her own incredible sense of style, is carefree and easy with her love and blows me away with her daily silliness and her imagination. I am not sure I could love her more if I tried.
All this worrying and the worrying about worrying going on around here over has everyone functioning at such a heightened level of tension that it really doesn't take much for any one of us to snap. And trust me, you'd think this was a house full of crocodiles with the amount of snapping going on and it is high time for it all to stop.
And I am the only one who can actually do that. (Being a grown-up sucks!)
My kids are not me. They won't have the same experiences that I did growing up and no amount of me worrying about what happened 30 years ago is going to A) make it go away and B) make my relationships with my children any better today. I need to focus all of that energy that I am wasting on worrying, on letting them know all of the ways that I love them and on ensuring that they are secure, confident, kind human beings, who will be able to navigate their worlds better than I was ever able to do way back when. It's time for a good heart to heart with my children and for us to hit the reset button before school starts and I COMPLETELY lose my shit!
Natasha~
If only the people who worry about their liabilities would think about the riches they do possess,
they would stop worrying.
~Dale Carnegie
Photo Credit: abbmona on Flickr
P.S. ...this may or may not be the first post for the 2013 #SummerBlogChallenge.
hope > fear
In 2005, my husband and I took a trip to Tanzania. It was primarily to attend the wedding of one of his best friends and since we were half way around the world we decided to explore a part of the world we had never experienced before and booked a tour through Northern Tanzania and a safari as well. And while being 10 feet away from mating lions was indeed a highlight of the trip (ask me for the pics some other time), the experience that stood out the most for me was our friend's wedding.
It was the most amazing, joyous, vibrant ceremony of love that I have ever attended. It was also the first time that my husband (a first generation Chinese-Canadian) and I had to deal with questions about our inter-racial relationship. For the most part the questions were not offensive, just more curious and mostly from the younger crowd. How did we deal with people not approving of our being together? Do we hold hands and/or kiss when out in public? What did our parents think of our union? In those moments and conversations, the bubble of our privileged lives in Canada was effectively POPPED! We heard stories of interracial couples being spit on in the streets of Johannesburg. Of them having to leave places at different times so as to not arouse suspicion. Of not being able to share with their families their happiness in finding love. It broke our hearts to hear these stories and all we could offer these young couples was our hope that someday this would not be the case for them.
That somehow racism would cease to exist.
That trip was almost 6 years ago.
I am trying not to give up hope.
I am trying not to let it get over-run by fear.
A fear that is on television, in the news and in our faces EVERY SINGLE DAY.
That fear that feeds itself and grows exponentially in the wake of every incident of horror or injustice in our society.
This past week the verdict in the Trayvon Martin case fed this voracious fear one hell of a hearty meal. And once again, my heart was broken and my head hurt from trying to understand how this could happen in our world. I can't and won't speak for the millions of women of colour whose own fears for their sons were confirmed on the day Trayvon was shot dead and again on the day his killer was acquitted of his death. I refer you to The Feminist Wire to read Christen Smith's open love note to her son and to Ebony.com to read Asha French's A Time for Tantrums and to Heather Greenwood-Davis's post over at Embrace the Chaos. To read their words and too know that no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you imagine yourself in their shoes, you will likely never know that kind of fear for your child.
What the Trayvon case has done for me is make me question the things I haven't talked to my kids about. Specifically the topics of race and racism. We haven't really talked about our Canadian (and their Chinese) history and how we all came to be where we are today. And we certainly haven't come remotely close to discussing oppression in the Americas.
One of the many wonderful feminists that I follow on twitter had this to say the other day:
What followed was a great discussion about how to start this conversation with kids and a few others joined in to give ideas and suggestions on age appropriate books and materials as well. This was one of the posts shared, with links to some great books as well. I also picked up "If the World Were a Village" yesterday at our local library to start these conversations in our house.
[youtube]http://youtu.be/FtYjUv2x65g[/youtube]
And while we often hear parents saying things like, "Oh, they are just kids, they don't see the differences in skin colour, they just see another friend to play with" or some variant of the rhetoric of "colour-blindness" in children, I think that we need to help our children recognize and appreciate the differences in all their friends. Everyone is unique and special and instead of pretending that these differences do not exist, we need to teach our children to understand those differences and to accept those differences in each other. Because like it or not, at a certain point, they do see them, especially if they are the different ones. I have already started to notice that far too often there are not a lot of girls in stories and books that look like my daughter. Dark haired, dark eyed, slightly darker skin tone. And what pains me a bit every time it happens is that she chooses the books (and toys) with the girls with long blond hair over the ones that look more like her. One of her favourite movies is Disney's Tangled, but do you think you can easily find a Rapunzel doll with her great (and much more practical) AFTER hair cut? No, you can not. It is up to me to make sure my children see themselves as valuable and beautiful and worthy of their own stories and adventures.
I am not even going to pretend to understand the levels of hate and racism that continue to exist in our world. All I can do is teach my children to love themselves for who they are and to accept and love others for who they are regardless of size, colour, gender or orientation. And I will continue to work hard, and be an example in my life and as a parent and guide in my children's lives, so that one day, love and hope will drown out the fear.
Natasha~
Have you discussed the Trayvon Martin case with your children? How do you address issues of racism in your house? Please share any books or ressources you may have. Thank you.
**UPDATE**
Please read this post from Mahogany Motherhood with more links to the parenting community's conversations and posts about racism. Please read them to help you understand their stories and Trayvon's tragic one too..
Why I don't think anyone should regret being a Stay At Home Mom.
As I am writing this I feel like I need to have a few disclaimers.
1. I am a teensy bit pre-menstrual (read-ranty!). My nose is on the fritz, everything REEKS today and my "geez-lady-sensitive-much?-o-meter" is kind of off the charts.
2. I am not, nor would I ever judge another person for their CHOICES in life and I applaud anyone who writes with a realness and honesty the likes of "OMG, I can't believe she just said that!".
3. You MUST read the linked article FIRST to fully understand this post. It's OK, I don't mind giving HuffPo some linky love! Maybe one day, they'll return the favor. ;)
..............................
Now that being said, I just read an article written by a woman who is at least 15 years down the mothering road from me that has every hair on my body bristling. Lisa Endlich Heffernan from Grown and Flown just published a post with a laundry list of the reasons she regrets being a SAHM for the last 20 years. Now again, I am not judging her for her life choices or diminishing her feelings about them. What I would like to do is maybe offer a different perspective on her list. Maybe things are different as a SAHM in 2013 than they were in the '80s and '90s. Then again, I may read this post in 15 years and be all, "Yeah, RIGHT! Little did you know back then smart ass!" Either way, here is what I think.
"I let down those who went before me." Lisa read The Feminine Mystique in the '70s. I read How to be a Woman in 2013. Both contain strong messages about feminism and what that means to each individual reader is up to them. Betty Freidan was preaching for woman to dream big and beyond the confines of being a housewife and a mother. Caitlin Moran was preaching (with lots of colourful words) to a new generation of women on taking ownership of our bodies, our minds and our work, whatever that work may be! I am a stay at home mom by choice. I have the privilege to make that choice and I stand on the shoulders of the women who came before me that gave me the right to actually have a choice in this matter and so many others in my life!
"I used my driver's license far more than my degree." I can't disagree with her on this one. I live in an urban setting that requires a vehicle to get around and so yes, I drive a lot. I have also graduated high school and I too spent 6 years in university and have a B.Sc. in Medical Lab Sciences. My years of education taught me many things: how to splice genes, how to diagnose a parasitic infection and how to match someones blood-type for an emergency blood transfusion. It also taught me how to interact with all kinds of people, how to WRITE, how to look at situations critically and analytically, how to manage projects and people and most importantly, it taught me to always have an inquisitive and open mind. My driver's test taught me how to parallel park.
"My kids think I did nothing." OK, I am sorry, I have to get a bit judge-y here. Who's fault is this? Lisa says her kids knew what a job looked like and that she didn't have one. Hmmm... Raising three boys and not helping them to understand that what you are doing as a stay at home mom is indeed a job and a damn valuable one at that is not anyone's fault but her own. Little C and I had this very conversation yesterday when he was about to have a meltdown because I had to go to the bank. We talked about how my job is to look after the family and then we discussed all the different ways that I do that. Daddy may go to an office for his job, but my job is everywhere my family is and without me doing it, things would get really messy around here. And I am not just talking about the piles of laundry!
"My world narrowed." I get this. When your world all of a sudden becomes about the frequency and consistency of someone else's bowel movements, you want to be able to talk to people who are also concerned with these type of things. It makes the experience less isolating and far less scary. I too have made many "mommy" friends in the past six years that I hope to have for many years to come. AND, even though I am still wiping bums at home, I have also started getting myself out there in the world to meet other people too. Multiple events in my city get me out of the comforts of my inner circle and into the far-less-scary-than-I-thought circles of many others. Circles in which the talk is substantially less about poop and more with and about people of all genders and all walks of life lifting each other up and trying to make our world a better place for all of us.
"I got sucked into a mountain of volunteer work." ME TOO! Because, you know what, I too have the time. And for a lot of the volunteer work that I do, I also have the skills (See above, re: my degree). I can also say NO to the things that don't work for me. It's really that simple and the thing with volunteer work is that it is not a job, it is something you do freely, without any expectation of payment or recognition. Some of it sucks (think 6 PM to 3 AM shift at a Casino fundraiser), some of it is ridiculously fun (sitting with 5 year olds making rainbow fossil rubbings) and some of it helps keep great programs and organizations GREAT. You do what you can with your time and skills, say no when it doesn't work for you and make the best out of all of it. Kind of like anything in life!
"I worried more." I don't know about this one. Can anyone really say they worry about their kids more than another parent? It's all rather subjective. I don't think being in their presence makes the worries any less "substantive". If you click on the link to Lisa's Overparenting post, you'll see the lengths to which she has gone in this regard. Would I do anything less? Perhaps not. I am a fan of natural consequences though and eventually some cute girl will comment on how stinky a college boy who doesn't do his own laundry is and that problem will be solved and mama bear will have one less thing to worry about!
"I slipped into a more traditional marriage." I guess this depends on what one means by "traditional". If, like the author, you tend to see things in a very narrow 1950's way with the mom at home and the dad at work, and the division of labour as simple as that, then yes, I suppose that is what happens. What actually happens inside the houses of these traditional looking marriages may be very different. My husband is a very active part of our household maintenance and cleanliness and has changed just as many dirty diapers and wiped as many bums and snotty noses as I have. He is not off the hook from being a parent because his "work day" is over and we divide our household responsibilities based on our strengths and weaknesses. (Apparently, my weakness is my ability to properly clean a toilet. A task I GLADLY gave up! On the other hand, my husband's weakness is shopping in any way , shape or form, and this is something that I am very, VERY good at!)
"I became outdated." I think this is another way of saying "I got old." Sorry hon, it happens to all of us! Our parents got outdated the minute we figured out how to get the damn blinking 12:00 off of the VCR at 7 years old and still have to go over and help them change the message on their answering machines (aka, voicemail) AND remind them that the beeping sound they hear when they are on the phone means that they have call waiting. Technology is moving light years faster than human beings are evolving and it is as inevitable as the laser disc was a bad idea that our children will be more technologically adept than us a some point in our lives. In ten years from now when everyone has an actual EYE phone, I'll be clutching my dear old 4S like it is a long lost lover from my past, while my kids roll their "phones"at me!
"I lowered my sights and lost my confidence." Nothing, and I mean NOT ONE DAMN THING in my life has shaken my confidence in myself like motherhood has. I believe this is what happens when someone else's life is actually in your hands and it takes all the effort one can muster to not totally mess it up! Add to that all the outside pressure that exists for all of us to be "mom enough" or this or that kind of parent and the limited value society as a whole places on motherhood, and really, the cards are quite stacked against us and any self-confidence we may have had. It's why we surround ourselves with others in the same boat. We support each other and we give one another booster shots of confidence when our titres are low.
As for lowering one's sights, I am not sure that is the right way to look at this part of life. I like to think of it more as a matter of changing the line of sight and having different goals for this particular project. It's no longer the corner office and the big fat bonus check that I lean-in to and work for. It's the ridiculously tight full arms and leg hug that I get at the end of a long day letting me know that I rocked it at "work" that day. My bonus check is seeing a big brother help his little sister learn her letters and encouraging her when she is losing her confidence. The payments I receive for my "job" are infinite and for the most part invisible. And the view from my "corner office" (the dining room table) is damn sweet!
One particular line in Lisa's post really struck me and I am not sure what to make of it. At the end she says....
"And despite it being obvious, I did not focus on the inevitable obsolescence that my job as mom held."
Unlike Lisa, I am not at this perceived tail end of motherhood. I feel it is unfair of me to comment on an impending empty nest and lack of marketable skills to re-enter the workforce. I may very well feel her same sense of remorse in 15 years time. I do know one thing though and it is something that my kids and I talk about all the time...
Motherhood is NEVER obsolete!
Natasha~