A year of endings.

Since everyone else is doing it, I guess I'll jump on the bandwagon too. You guessed it, this is my "Year in Review" and also my Birthday post rolled into one.

Oh, don't worry, I wont recant all of my previous posts from this past year for you, that's what that handy dandy "Archives" button is for over there to your right and part way down the page. Click on it, choose a month and peruse at your leisure, I promise you, some of those posts were really, really good!

If we back up 365 days, turning 40 on this day last year was not as traumatic as I expected. I was with the three people I love the most in the world. I was spoiled with everything I asked for and more and it was a beautiful sunny winter day. It was perfection.

I had also made up my mind at that point to make some drastic changes in my world and all was well in my mind and in my heart with regards to my decisions. I did not make resolutions for 2012, I made choices that I needed to to be happy, healthy and present in my life and for my family.

Before I go one though, a word on 40th Birthdays.

They are a BIG deal. They should be celebrated with all due largesse and magnanimity. AND, in my opinion, that celebration should not just be for one day. I took some inspiration from a fellow blogger, Julie Harrison, and her #MonthofMe 40th Birthday celebration, and decided to stretch out my 40th birthday ALL YEAR LONG! My sweet husband indulged my desires (and my cheeziness) and surprised me on the 1st of every month in 2012 with a silly, yet totally AWESOME card and a small gift. Some months it was a night out to one of my favourite restaurants, one month a cool new camera lens for my iPhone, and another month it was the full Hunger Games series. Little things that he knew I wanted and that let me know that he actually does listen to me! It was fantastic and something I highly recommend you tell all your significant others about for your 40th birthdays (Just tell them Natasha said it is a thing, so they have to do it!).

{My dear husband also understood my trepidation with this rather BIG number and found a nice way to ease my transition into my fifth decade on this earth!}

What stuck me the most in the last few days of 2012, (and trust me, I had a lot of time to think about this as I was sitting here suffering from the zombie flu and blowing chunks of my brains out through my nostrils) is that I started out thinking that 40 was going to be a year of new beginnings for me. What it was, in so many ways, was in fact, a year of endings.

In February, I ended my foray into the online world of e-commerce with the closing of Natural Urban Mamas, the store. I've talked and blogged about this decision ad nauseum already, but just like a good party, it's always best to leave while you are still enjoying the night, and before you'll regret anything in the morning. I loved what I did with my business. I loved all of the mamas and babies and families that I helped. I have no regrets. It was a good party.

In April, as a family, we ended our time in our first home. A home that we designed and built for our growing family. One that bore the scratches and scuff marks of our puppy and our baby boy and then his little sister. The house that both our kids took their first steps in and the house where we celebrated our first family Christmas. The house that hosted many dinners with family and friends, birthday parties, massive playdates, mother blessings and kiddie pool parties alike. It was a good house. A home that we will remember fondly and forever.

Spring and summer were spent moving into our new home and finishing up all the bits and pieces that go along with that. Furnishing, decorating, landscaping, and getting to know our new neighbours and neighbourhood. Its been a big year and after building three houses in less than 10 years, I can most definitely say that we are finally done. Done, done, DONE!  I could not ask for more in a home and to be honest, don't have it in me to move or build EVER AGAIN! This home is the END to our construction bug! (Someone please be sure to remind either myself or my husband of this if ever our eyes or minds start to wander!)

My babies have grown so much this past year. Little C is not so little anymore and is so independent. He gives me a swift kiss and takes off to play with his buddies when I drop him off for kindergarten every day. And my shy little girl has come out of her shell and is a regular chip of the ol' block, kooky personality and all! And without even knowing it or realizing that it happened, our days of regular babywearing slowly came to an end this year.  With riding bikes and running like the wind and wanting to do everything on their own, we just didn't have the time or, as much as it pains me to say, the need for it anymore. The last time I got to wear L, my lovely friend Kyla came by and snapped a few shots of us and I am forever grateful that she captured these last beautiful babywearing moments. And while my days of wearing my own babies may be at an end, my arms are always open and my baby carriers always available to snuggle any and all babies that come my way!

Photo courtesy of Feschuk Photography

2012 was quite the banner year for breastfeeding. It was in the news, A LOT. From Facebook's continued witch hunt for and discrimination against mother's breastfeeding photos, to Jamie Grumet's cover shot on TIME Magazine, to celebrities talking about it and taking and posting their own beautiful photos. And in our house too, it was still a regular occurrence. Unlike her brother, who stopped at age three, L showed no desire to be done breastfeeding and so we kept going. I think that the concept of this part of our relationship being done was difficult for both of us and through lots of cuddles and discussions, my little girl and I came to the decision that we would stop on her fourth birthday in October.

Well. October came and we tried to stop and some days we nursed and others we did not. It went on like that for a while longer and then this past month, we are just... done. Another beautiful ending that came of its own accord and on its own time. She doesn't ask to nurse anymore, but does want to cuddle with 'her boobies' every now and then. I thought I would be a lot more sad about this ending than any of the others in my parenting journey, but I am not. I feel like I gave both my children all that they needed in this regard and I respected their needs and my own. Two children and six years is a lot to ask of my breasts, but they did their job and did it well. I am proud of myself, proud of my children and yes, I'll say it, proud of my "girls" too!

{You gotta love when they play with your 'waddle' while nursing!}

So you see. It really has been a year of endings.

The final ending of course being the chapter that is/was NaturalUrbanMamas.com, and you can read all about that in my previous post.

I saw a post and picture on Facebook today that said, "Chapter 2013, Page 1 of 365."

For me this is Chapter 41, Page 1 of 365. Many of those pages will get published here and some will not, but this year....

This is the one that will be all about new beginnings.

Happy 2013 Everyone!

Big Birthday Love and Kisses for all of you,

Natasha~

not too late

Last month, I took a writing course with Alice Bradley, aka @finslippy and this was one of our assignments. To write about family.  A lot of the 'class' (we were all online) said that the hardest thing or the most taboo thing to write about was family. This was my homework and is part of what I am dealing with and processing at the moment.

Family.

I don’t have a lot of childhood memories. I dont’ have the 'big family Christmas dinner' memories, the 'super-fun camping in the mountains' vacation memories, or the 'mom and dad taking me to this or that sport or activity and cheering me on' memories.

I have 'packing up a house full of four kids and leaving while daddy is at work' memories. I have 'watching my daddy crying in the doorway of our new house because he doesn't understand why' memories. I have 'getting mad at daddy for reasons to this day I can’t even remember and promising never to talk to him again' memories.

I know there must have been good times in my life before {and after} these memories. I have seen the pictures. I know that my father was not a bad man. I know he was not a terrible daddy. I think he was a young one and that he was working hard to try to support his young and ever growing family and may have bitten off more than he could chew.

Or it could have been that it really was all my grandmother’s fault. My mother’s mother was not a fan of men. It’s hard to blame her really, when every single man in her life broke her heart or her body in unfathomable ways. It was her and her daughter against the world. So when this young man came into their lives and knocked up her one and only daughter, her PERSON, I think she panicked. And then slowly, over the next six years, like someone administering small doses of arsenic, I believe she poisoned my mother into thinking that he was just not good enough for her. That he wasn't a good husband, he wasn't a good father, and he wasn't a good provider.

So my mother left my father. With four kids under the age of seven.

And over the years of listening to my grandmother’s poisonous rantings, I too came to believe that he was the dead beat he was made out to be. Why didn't he call? Why didn't he want to be with us? What did I do to make him not want me?

My child’s mind made a rash decision at the age of 12 to never speak to him again. And the sad reality is that I truly did not speak to him until 11 years later at my baby brother’s funeral. And now, another whopping 19 years later, we still have not seen each other more than 3 times since that sad day.

My daddy.

My daddy who now has ALS.

And now I don’t know what do to?

He IS my father, but who is he really? A relative stranger to me and to my own children. Yet, his time on earth is limited. He is suffering and I am wondering why we have never 'fixed' this, why he stayed away and why I never asked for more from him?

And I am kicking my 12-year-old self for being such a fucking brat! And then again my 23-year-old self for being so god-damn selfish. Yes, I lost a brother that day, but he lost a CHILD.

Maybe I see this all more clearly now that I am a parent.

I have never spoken to him about ANY of this. About what he was feeling when mom left or why we stopped talking. We barely spoke when my brother died. I did not invite him to my wedding and I haven’t ever been to see him to introduce him to his grandchildren.

And now he is dying. A slow, painful, agonizing death that is going to rob him of his body and leave him his mind. A mind that is perhaps wondering all of these things as well.

I am a 40-year old woman and all I want is for my daddy to be just that.

My Daddy.

For what little time we have left.

This past weekend I spent some time with my father and we have started the healing of our relationship together. I just hope that we get the time we need to do and say all that we need to to each other, because in case you don't know, ALS is a cruel, cruel thief, robbing him blind daily.

Natasha~

I am not weak.

I am having a quicksand week. Or perhaps month. I started noticing it more after the time change. My kids were a mess and more so than ever, I was a mess. And I still am.

I am tired. Bone weary, not sure I should be driving some days, can't keep a thought in my head tired.

And I am irritable. I blame it on the tiredness, but I know it is more than that. I know I am disconnected from my life, from the people and things that are important to me. The schedule gets followed and I keep going, but there is little joy in it these days.

This is all leaving me with the slowly sinking into quicksand feeling. I can't struggle, because it will only make it worse. I will only get more tired and more irritable and I'll yell even more and grind my teeth and lose my patience and... and so I sink. I am not writing, I don't go to yoga, I don't play with my kids, I ignore others and I lose myself and hours in the mindless online black-hole that is social media.

I am not in a good place and I know it.

So I made a call.

I have an appointment in two weeks with someone to finally talk about all of this.

I am terrified.

And hopeful.

But mostly terrified.

Today, all I could think about was finding some inspiration to just keep going. To keep on my path, even though I am not 100% sure of that path and even though at the moment it looks like one fraught with thorny vines, brambles and lots of fallen logs. And quicksand.

My first stop was my go-to lady for inspiration, Elan Morgan of Schmutzie.com. Elan gave a TEDx talk in Regina last year and I had not watched it yet. So I did. And now I am telling you (and making is super easy for you) to go and watch it yourself. I love that she managed to incorporate one of her awesome lists in her talk. One that I want to copy and paste all over my walls and my brain and everywhere else I can think of.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MkaBXs9aPBU[/youtube]

Elan quoted Brene Brown in her talk, so next, I headed over to Brene's TED talks and was utterly and completely blown away. The tiredness left me for a moment. My brain perked up and paid attention and so much in my life just started to make sense to me. I am still terrified, but after watching Brene's videos, I feel like the hopefulness might have gained a bit of ground.

I can't stress how much I think EVERYONE, man and woman, NEEDS to watch all of these videos. Watch them, then get your husband to watch them and then send them to your sisters, your best friends, your mom.... EVERYONE.

Here they are.

Watch this one first.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Qm9cGRub0[/youtube]

Then this one.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0[/youtube]

Brene says that "Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativily and change."

Well, it's about to get all crazy-ass vulnerable around here for me and I am so ready for things to change. I really can't sink much further into this sand on my way to a breakdown spiritual awakening.

Please stick around until I come out on the other side of this.

{trying to} dare greatly,

Natasha~

Lose your mommy buts

This post has been brewing in my head for a few days now and I finally have some time to get it onto the screen. Last week I read this post from Rachel Martin at Finding Joy. In it, she talks about why it is OK to take a mom break.

You run on empty. I run on empty. It's the nature of our society to push everything until the last drop - and then we are beyond worn out. We wait to get gas till the light warns us that the tank is empty, we save the last drops of milk, we scrape the peanut butter from the sides of the jar - and we do the same with our self. We push, and give, and push, and give, and we often ignore the warning lights telling us to refuel.

And then shortly after I posted her link on my Facebook page, I asked the following question.

"What are you biggest barriers/obstacles to actually taking a break and taking care of yourself? (tangible ones and maybe the not so tangible as well.)"

And although I shouldn't be surprised, the overwhelming theme in all of the responses was one of guilt. Mamas feeling guilty for taking time for themselves, for spending money on themselves, for asking someone else to watch their kids so they can go do something for themselves. There were other reasons as well, but this is what really stuck out for me and to be perfectly honest, made me a little bit angry!

Yes, angry.

Which is probably why it has taken me a few days to figure out how to write this. I don't want to come across all angry bitch telling you what to do, but be warned, that I do have some brutally honest things to say on this topic (after many years of being the guilty-feeling one myself).

First of all, go back up and read Rachel's full post if  you haven't all ready.

Go ahead. I'll wait.

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.

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OK, so you get what she is saying right? Let your tank run on empty too long and you are just going to burn off those fumes and be DONE. Nothing left to give. Burned out. Finito. Kaput!

And then who is going to look after the kids? Who is going to breastfeed the baby? Who is going to clean the house? Who is going to get the other ones to school? Do the laundry? Have any kind of relationship with their partner? Have any kind of relationship with their kids for that matter? And one that doesn't involve resentment, or like Rachel says, that heavy feeling of drudgery?

Guilt is a self-inflicted feeling, Mamas. It is the feeling you get when you feel you have done something WRONG.

I am going to say that again.

GUILT is the feeling you get when you feel you have done something WRONG.

Can we, for a minute, examine exactly what is wrong in the situation where you feel guilty for looking after yourself?

NOTHING!

You are a human being and you have needs, just like your kids and anyone else you feel responsible for and to.

What you are not, is a super human. You need sleep. You need food. You need restoration. And for God's sake woman, you need a bloody haircut!

In all seriousness though, you need space (be it physical or mental) that is JUST FOR YOU.

I know that you are all agreeing with me 100% up to this point. I also know that you have a ridiculously LONG LIST of BUTS that you want to throw at me.

So, I thought I would address of few of the more common BUTS of mother guilt and give you some suggestions for how to remove them.

"But, I can't leave my baby because he is exclusively breastfed and he won't take a bottle from anyone."

Nurse the baby and get him nice and full. Give the baby to daddy (or grandma or auntie or babysitter), put on your big girl shoes and head out the door. Go to your favourite cafe and read a book for an hour. Go to the mall and just walk around and do some window or actual shopping for something JUST FOR YOU. Go for a walk. Go for a nap (with earplugs and explicit instructions to NOT OPEN THE DOOR FOR A FULL 60 MINUTES)! Set a timer. Be back in an hour. Do it after your partner gets home from work or on the weekend if you have to. Try not to worry, it is only an hour. And if that seems like too much, start smaller and build up to it.

You CAN do this. And really, you need to do this.

"But, I feel bad spending money on things for me (yoga, haircuts, massage) when that money could go towards something else for the family."

You do realize that you are a member of this family you speak of right?  That YOUR needs and yes, your wants, matter too? I know that maternity leave puts a crink in the finances for a lot of families and if you now have to budget a bit more carefully for these type of things, then by all means do that. Just don't erase them completely from your family budget. Make time for you and set aside the funds that you need to accomplish all that you want to do with that time as well.

And then STOP the guilt. Get that fabulous new cut and color and get to that class that you want to take. Try not to look at these necessities as things that you merely want to do, they are things that you NEED to do. For your peace of mind and to feel good about yourself. Never underestimate the power of a good haircut/massage/pedicure/run/ "insert your THING here", Mamas! Never.

"But, I don't have any childcare."

This is a biggie folks and one I am no stranger to as well. Leaving your kids with someone else is a very difficult thing to do. Finding the 'right' person can be very challenging, especially if you do not have family that lives close by or is able to help out. But, you have to try. Go to the babysitter mixers that are put on by various mom groups in your city, check the local babysitter registries, check the boards at your local grocery store, find a neighbourhood teenager who had taken their babysitting course, ask your neighbours or other moms in your playgroups if they know of anyone or can share their contacts.

And then give it a trial run. I always bring a new sitter over at a time when I will be home to let them get acquainted with my kids and our environment (and for me to see how they interact with my kids too). I know it will be tough, but once you do find someone, you have to bite the bullet and leave the house. Start out small, make it just an hour to get some errands done or to go to a class or again go to bed with those earplugs and instructions. You have to recognize that not everything is going to be done exactly as you would do it and that THIS IS OK.

And for any of you who say you can't leave your husband with the kids because he is afraid, or can't do it alone, or whatever... All I have to say to this is TOUGH PATOOTIES! This is what he signed up for and he has got to figure this shit out and yes, sometimes by himself. Show him how that baby carrier you bought him works, where the diapers are, the detailed instructions for how to prepare a bottle of breastmilk or formula and walk out the door. He has your number if he really needs you for anything.

..........

Mamas, taking time for you is not only important for your well-being and peace of mind, it is good for your kids too. You are their primary example in this world. If you never take care of yourself, how are these little people ever going to learn to do so for themselves? They need to know that you have needs to and that you too are "listening to your body" just like you tell them to listen to their's when they are tired, hungry, need to use the bathroom or just plain DONE.

My kids know how much better I feel after I go to my yoga class and they always tell me to have a good time as I walk out the door. My husband and I have regular date nights and we now make it a priority in our family schedule (this was not something we always did, but we are learning). The kids are starting to see the value in the time we spend together and have started requesting their own one-on-one "dates" with us as well.

Furthermore, kids need to know how to adapt and adjust to different situations and different people. It is a life skill and one that can not be taught in a bubble. So find that babysitter or get your crazy younger brother to come over and babysit for you and get out of the house and let them all figure a few things out by themselves. Uncle Bubbles and the babysitter from down the block are not going to read stories the same way that you do or play games the way you do and in the end, this really is a good thing.

So Mamas...

No more buts.

Take a break. Refuel. Recharge and replenish your mind, your body and your soul. Maybe you won't be able to do it all in one day, but please make it a priority and add your needs and wants to your To-Do lists and schedules and family budgets!

Do it for you, do it for your kids, and please mamas...

PLEASE.

Kick that damn guilt to the bloody curb already.

It has no business keeping you from a fabulous new haircut or that pair of leather boots or that invincible feeling you get after a really good workout!

{This is my "I just finished doing 90 minutes of Bikram yoga, don't mess with me, I am in the ZONE" face!}

Go find YOUR zone.

Love,

Natasha~

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

OK. I have had enough.

No, not of parenting or motherhood or the never ending to-do lists that exist in my head and on my fancy new iPhone 5. Although that is a lot and it has been a full moon week.

I have kind of had it with women.

Not all women, mind you, just the ones who say they are all about empowering women and then go and do the exact opposite of that. It hurts my feminist heart to no end when it looks like the thing that undermine's the status of women and our ability to actually ever be equals, is not men, it is other WOMEN!

Feminism.

The other F-word.

At least that is how a lot of the world sees it.

If you call yourself a feminist, there is an automatic assumption that you are an opinionated, man-hating, bitch with an agenda. And you like to wear flannel...

Let me clarify a few things for you then.

I am VERY OPINIONATED.

I LOVE men, one in particular quite a bit actually.

On more than one occasion, I have indeed been called a BITCH. I am OK with that.

I HAVE an agenda. A BIG ONE!

And I live in Alberta, flannel is just not an option some days!

This week in my own fair {OK, fine, completely snow-covered!} city, feminists young and old (I am one of the old ones, in case you were wondering) are up in arms over being silenced by OTHER WOMEN. And by silenced, I mean deleted. The complete and utter removal of a whole Facebook conversation that happened in response to the marketing of an event that in an of itself was so incredibly patriarchal that at first most of us thought it was a joke.

I really want you to understand the context here and so I would like you to head over to Brittany's blog and read about this particular public relations fiasco (click the links within her post for the transcript of the erased Facebook posts). And I would like to say that it was Brittany who alerted me to this event in the first place and put the bug in a lot of ears about it's validity and intentions.

At first, I thought this might be a prank. What I understood the event to be was an all-male panel, moderated by a male host, discussing gender politics in the workplace (“the old boys network”) and providing career advice (“nuances of climbing the corporate ladder”) to a audience of women. Oh, and with an opportunity to donate to a men’s cancer charity.

Again,  please CLICK HERE and take a moment to go and read her post, she makes some very excellent points about what the "default perspective" is in most anything in this world, which I thought was most insightful.

Here is the thing.

Gender issues are hot button issues. If you don't believe that, than you have not been paying attention to the US Presidential race lately and/or you many be living under a rock. Whenever there is a blatant line in the sand drawn regarding gender, things get heated. The conversation that happened the other night on this particular Facebook event page was no exception. I was kind of riveted to the page because I was amazed by the quality of the arguments and discussion points being made both about the event itself and about feminism in general. I am happy to also say that I made a few new friends that night!

I went to bed that night with lots of thoughts in my head. What I came to realize was that I was not completely opposed to the event. Quite a few of the men on the panel are ones that I have a lot of respect for and I think having a conversation with them about gender issues would make for an interesting lunch hour. I was sorely disappointed by the marketing of the event, as were many others and while I appreciate that words where changed, I did not believe for one minute that intent was. As one of the organizers so eloquently pointed out, she "hopes that anyone with gender issues can see past the penises on the panel and take away some valuable information..."

Hmmm....

Fast forward to the next morning and I awoke to another Facebook message informing me that all of that awesome conversation was completely deleted and that no one was able to post anything to the event wall anymore.

Say what?

The irony of this action was not lost on anyone, of this I can assure you.

The marketing company in charge of an event, being put on by the Edmonton chapter of Canadian Women in Communications, targeted to women, with the intent of talking about the glass ceiling and succeeding in the corporate world, DELETED all comments from women communicating their opinions about said event.

It was too much for my feminist brain to handle!

Silenced.

Being told, explicitly or implicitly, that what we had to say had NO VALUE.

Two steps back people. Two VERY BIG steps back!

And then today, this happened.

A blog post. Written by Tamara Plant of YouAreFierce.com (she is also on the Board of Directors for CWC in Edmonton and part of the committee behind the aforementioned event).

A post in which she is concerned with the toxic energy on the Internet this week and goes on to quote Jenny McCarthy on her rather simplistic view of "projected identification". Coles notes version, everyone is a mirror of you, if you hate yourself, you are going to hate others and vice versa, love yourself and then you will love others. The problem is that not 10 lines later, Tamara says that "All of this catty malicious bullshit needs to stop now. It is a reflection on you..."

But you just said that negative feelings are a mirror of myself? You calling people catty and malicious and full of BS  is kind of toxic and negative. I am confused.

Maybe I just don't get how this mirror stuff works...? And while I realize that the Internet is  a big place, in Edmonton this week, it really is not.

And then THIS happened.

Another blog post. Written by Zita Dube-Lockhart, one of the silenced.

Zita is probably one of the smartest women I know. Like UBER-smart people and she writes with all her bad-ass smartness backing her up. Seriously, go read her blog!

You SILENCED us. You CENSORED us. You TOLD US that our voices are irrelevant and that WE ARE MEAN PEOPLE for thinking differently from you.

So yeah...we're pretty freaking pissed. And understandably so.

There’s no “projection” here. There are only facts. You are accountable to your own damn actions- stop trying to blame us for your mistakes.

I’ve said it before, in this discussion and in others, and I will say it again:

The greatest trick patriarchy ever pulled was convincing women that we are each other’s enemies.

And now I’ll add to that by saying, the greatest lie we’ve ever told ourselves is that we are not accountable for our own decisions and our own actions.

I get very confused and tongue-bite-y every time someone has a differing opinion than another person, or dares to call someone out for making a mistake (be it on social media or in real life) and then in the next breath is called a bully (or cyber-bully) for doing so. It has happened before on this very blog, simple because I said that NO, I do not actually have to BE NICE to or like everyone around me. I got called a lot of names and was maligned on social media as a bully. And I did not DELETE a single one of those comments! (See how that works around here, everyone gets an opinion, a voice.)

But up to about an hour ago, I was still not sure why this whole ongoing two day debacle had me so enraged.

And then THIS happened.

A note was published on Facebook by one of the few men who waded into the original discussion. I don't know this man personally, but he just explained to me why I am so upset about this. Thank you Reece.

In my view, what Zita is speaking to is, to put it bluntly, antifeminism in action.  As Andrea Dworkin put it so eloquently: “The breaking down of women into the insults used to describe women, the use of these insults to describe or intimidate or discredit, granting validity to these critiques of a female’s posture, pose, stance, attitude, or act, are all expressions of both antifeminism and woman hating.”  We need look no further than the description of a woman as being “catty” to see an implicit act of dehumanization, suggesting that their activities are somehow animal-like and uncivilized, versus well-reasoned and intelligently argued.

Anti-feminism. The other A-word.

By women towards women.

Wow!

To anyone who has witnessed these exchanges over the last few days on Facebook and on Twitter, and who thinks that this is just a bunch of chicks getting our panties in a knot over nothing...

TAKE A LOOK IN YOUR MAGIC MIRROR!

Look at your daughter, your sister, your best friend, your co-worker, your mother. What would you do if someone silenced them for having an opinion? For speaking their mind? For not being afraid to stand up and say to someone, "HEY, what you are doing is wrong?"

What would you tell them if they had made a mistake? Don't worry honey, we'll just erase that or shove it under the rug, no one is going to look under there anyway? 'Cause, I hate to break it to you, but that is not how the internet works people!

And it is not how REAL LIFE works either.

I said in my previous post that I wanted to be an example to the younger generation. That I wanted to be a voice for women in my community and yes, on the interwebs too!

Tonight I am being that voice. I am speaking up and adding my thoughts and my words to the many who are stepping up to say that we won't stand for this kind of behaviour from anyone and that NO, you can not simply delete us with the press of a button.

My name is Natasha Chiam and I will not be SILENCED!

Will you?

**I will not erase any comments posted here, but I do reserve the right to edit any profanity or straight up hateful ones. Peace out y'all!**

The #good100 experiment

About a month ago I had a very long and interesting conversation on Twitter with a few people whom I respect and admire. At the end of this convo (which, in case you are wondering, was about gender equality and relationships), my Twitter pal @DebMerriam invited me to a fabulous local event. The Good Hundred Experiment.

In the words of the day's organizers, it was "An unsectored gathering of Edmonton’s savviest do-gooders, with the objective of connecting with future partners & collaborators, getting meaningful & actionable feedback on your project (from people who know what they're talking about) and being inspired by some of YEG's most bad ass do-gooders."

I was honoured to be invited and also wondered if in fact, I was sufficiently qualified as a do-gooder to attend this event. I mean, one look at the list of attendees and I was inspired (and somewhat intimidated) just reading their bios, what on earth would it be like actually being in a room with all these folks!

Well, I can tell you.

IT WAS AMAZING!!

Do you have any idea how many awesome people are doing good things in our city?

Let me give you a couple of examples.

There is Catherine from iHuman, a fabulous non-profit organization helping at risk youth through the arts. And if you head on over to THIS LINK, they have partnered with Telus Empower You and every Facebook Like and Share and every Tweet is a further $2 that Telus gives to the iHuman program. Get clicking people!

Then there is Joey from Knottycase.com. Joey and his brother are the amazing and HIGHLY energetic team behind this fantastic company and they make beautiful, unique and environmentally sustainable iPhone cases from salvaged and reclaimed woods. And the best part--all the manufacturing is done right here in Edmonton! The energy that flows off of this man is infectious and his intensity makes you believe wholeheartedly in what he is doing and then some. Not only is he an environmental do-gooder, he is a true DO-ER!

For me, though, the person who made the biggest impact on me (and what I see my role is as a do-gooder) was the one and only Brittney Leblanc. If you don't already know or follow Brittney on the tweeter, then get on that. This 26-year-old woman is smart, funny, civic-minded and so, so darn cute. And she is on a mission. Well, actually, she is on a couple of missions, but of everyone there I think I learned the most from her. Not necessarily about Brit (cause I kind of have the great privilege of knowing her already), but about what it means to be a woman who wants to make a difference in this city, and by extension, in this world.

Throughout the day's workshop we were discussing some of the BIG PICTURE themes that kept coming up within our smaller groups and not surprisingly, women's issues and women's engagement were biggies. The last round table discussion at the end of the day was to find your theme and discuss what is being done, what needs to be done and how to collaborate together to get things done around those themes. Seven women and two men sat at the Women's Issues table and what happened next was... well... to be perfectly honest, less than stellar. The conversation quickly moved to women's rights in regards to reproduction and birthing and all things mother-focused. And across the table from me, I could see Brittney bristling. And I knew why.

Brittney is not a mother. And neither were a couple of other folks at the table. And all we were talking about at the table were issues that may or may not affect mainly mothers. All day long, my 30-second pitch to people was about how I want to help women to embrace all sides of themselves and break out of the "I am just a mom" talk that we do oh, so, well, and here we were at this table, discussing birthing options, infant feeding options, and the usual rhetoric that ensues whenever someone brings up women's, or as it turns out, MOTHER issues! And for all the talking that we did, we did not even get close to answering any of the what needs to be done or how to collaborate questions and this was frustrating for a lot of us.

Later that night at the #good100party at the very cool Kazbar, Brittney, the incomparable Jennifer Banks and I sat down, had some super yummy hummus and had a chance to discuss this topic some more. And what Brittney said to me was this. "As a young woman, I want to have women in my city who are visible, who are making a difference and who I can look up to as role models."

And that is when it hit me. HARD.

I talk about being an advocate for women, but in reality I have been primarily using my voice as one for mothers. I seem to have forgotten the main tenet of my do-goodery, that before we are all mothers, we are women first! And Ladies, we are SO MUCH MORE than the sum of what we can do with our uteruses and our breasts!

Motherhood may be one of the most rewarding and at the same time difficult roles of all time, but to think that all that we are, all that we have learned in this life as a girl and then a woman, serves only to prepare us for that role is completely narrow-sighted (and somewhat patriarchal too). If we forget what we have accomplished or can accomplish and reduce ourselves to being "JUST a mom", not only does this do a disservice to us, but it also does a disservice to the generations of girls following us who need role models and strong women to look up to and see that being a voice for ALL of our community is possible, that being a woman means more than just getting paid the same wage as a man and that our opinions in all things, be it work or home or politics, MATTER.

Later that night, Jen sent me the link to this TED talk by Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Facebook. Now while this talk is primarily about women in the workforce and why we don't see more of them in C-level jobs (CEO, COO, CFO, etc..) I believe the themes are kind of universal. Women need to step up more and sit at the damn table!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18uDutylDa4[/youtube]

What became very evident for me this past weekend is that I myself have been limiting myself and my voice. Lately, I have said (more often than I would like to admit) to people who ask me what I do, that I am a 'Mommy Blogger'. Now, you all know how I feel about these kinds of terms, but with the name Natural Urban Mama, it is kind of hard to escape this kind of labeling.

In my opinion, the #good100 experiment was a successful day on many levels. So many connections were made in that room and I foresee a  lot more do-goodery forthcoming in our beautiful city. I know that another workshop is being planned for the spring, and I hope that I get the privilege of being invited once again.

Personally, my take-aways from the day were three-fold.

1 - I really need to open my eyes to all of the good things that are happening here and be an advocate for the city that I have called home for every one of my almost 41 years on this Earth! Like Brittney very eloquently said in her recent Pecha Kutcha presentation, I need to bragg more about where I am from! It's EDMONTON y'all and it is AWESOME!!

2 - I need to broaden my definitions of what being an advocate for women and children means to me and to those around me. I need to use my voice and my passion to inspire and empower more women to get involved and to be heard and to break out of their own self-imposed insular lives of 'just' this or 'just' that. My hope is that one day, maybe I will be one of the role models that the female generations to come are looking for and looking up to.

3 - I may need to rethink my personal brand. Is Natural Urban Mama all that she can be? Is this name, this site, still a true reflection of me and what I need to be to do #2. This is something that I am seriously pondering people and I may need to get your input about this in a future post.

So, that was my weekend. My brain is still spinning from all of it and I can't wait to follow up on the connections I made and the ones I want to make for some of the people who were at this great do-gooder event. I highly encourage everyone to look for the good things being done in your own communities and find a way, however big or small, to contribute.

"Do your little bit of good where you are;

it's those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world"

~Desmond Tutu 

Natasha~

Moments...

Being a mom is the most amazing job/vocation/calling/responsibility/LIFE in the entire world. Except when it isn't.

And then you just want to crawl into a hole or if you happen to be having a particularly awful mama moment in public, have the ground open and swallow  you up, right then and there!

BUT...

Then you read something that makes you sit up and think, THAT! That is the kind of mom, no... correction, the kind of PERSON, that I want to be. All the time. Every day.

Earlier tonight I read a note on my friend Stefani's Facebook page and with her permission, I am posting it here.

To the parents of the autistic girl in the party store:

Hi. It's okay. No, really; it's okay. I know your daughter swatted my baby, who was sleeping in my sling, but I'm not mad. Babies are fascinating. They're people, but tiny. They have little hands and little feet and huge eyes. They are delicate, yes, but your daughter either didn't remember or didn't know that. And that's okay. It might come with time. Don't apologise. I get it. She just wanted to see him. She was excited. So as you tried to hurry off, to get your daughter away from my baby before she woke him or hurt him, I called to her.

"Hey... Hey, sweetie. Do you want to see the baby?" You froze, and then apologised some more. It must be hard. You must have people getting angry with you all the time. But not me.

"Here, look. He's sleeping. Isn't he cute?"

You daughter's face lit up in excitement as she swatted near his face. You stopped her hand, I dodged a little and came back to centre.

"Gentle, sweetie." I brought my baby close. Close enough for her to really see him. She tilted her head and looked at the ceiling and then back somewhere over my shoulder. Then she smiled.

I haven't been there, but I understand. I know you will struggle, your daughter will struggle, her brother will struggle. Some people will get angry at you when your daughter yells at dinner, when she won't sit still or runs where she shouldn't.. When she gets too excited and swats a baby...

But not me.

..................

Because those moments when you want to run and hide, when you think the world is looking and judging, they are just that.

Moments.

And sometimes all it takes is someone else to see that moment, recognize it for what it is and make it better.

Like Stefani did today.

<3

Giving Thanks

It's October. And for some reason Thanksgiving is THIS coming weekend. Which  seems odd to me because 9 years ago I got married on Thanksgiving weekend, but my anniversary is not until next weekend.

And this whole not doing Daylight Savings time until November thing is throwing me for a loop too. We set our alarms a half-hour earlier this morning and the kids refused to believe that it was indeed time to get up, because it was still so dark outside.

Anyways...

As I was saying, it is October and because I like a challenge and because I like my friends AND because I really do have so much to be thankful for in my life, I am joining Zita and Kevin and blogging all month long about THANKFULNESS.

And forgive me if this is not really in the spirit of things, but man, oh, man, am I thankful that September is DONE! That was a long, hard month and it zoomed by so quickly that I don't even remember most of it!

We have all finally settled into our routines and things have calmed down and I feel like I can start to breath again.

Which brings me to my thankfulness today.

My kids are in a fabulous dance/yoga class. The teacher is fantastic, the yoga studio where it is held is wonderful and my kids are learning about different cultures and cultural dances and movement and they are both loving it.

And in their class is an amazing little girl. She is 3 years old and has the energy of at least 3 other kids. She is bright and fun and GO, GO, GO.

And she is losing her hair.

Her long strawberry blond locks are falling out because she has Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. Her mama told me yesterday that her chances for remission are very good (like 97% good), but she still has 2 years of chemotherapy ahead of her.

I have been thinking about this little girl for the past 24 hours and the thing that I can't get out of my mind is her spirit and her energy. And then today, it hit me and I finally understood why I could not stop thinking about her.

She is 3 years old!

She is like my own little girl. She runs, she plays, she sings, she dances, she fights with her older sibling and at times she does not listen to her mama and gets into trouble.

She is just a kid, being a regular kid , doing regular kid things and who, on some days, also happens to have to deal with some highly irregular cancer treatment stuff.

I am thankful to be able to see this little person's incredible joie de vivre once a week. Because that is what it is like for most three year olds, right? The sheer JOY OF LIVING!

Not the constant worrying about every little thing and all the craziness that we subject ourselves to and the rushing from here to there and back again, just to get it all done, just to have days or months or years fly by without really living them.

Today I am thankful for that little whirlwind of a girl, who is a reminder to me to celebrate the JOY that is this life I am living and all the wonderful (big and small) that is in it!

Natasha~

And baby turkeys, I am also thankful for baby turkeys!