rocket science
Momentum. In physics it is defined as the property or tendency of a moving object to continue moving. In life, and figuratively, momentum can refer to the tendency of a person or group to repeat recent success. And in both, it can come to an abrupt stop when a large obstacle is placed in front of the moving object and it can be difficult to regain that momentum again.
This in how I have been feeling lately. Like I just can't get my momentum back. I feel like I am free-falling like Sandra Bullock in Gravity, floating and spinning in space with no way to get back to the space station. Basically, I need George Clooney to tether me and tell me what to do.
(Okay, so I don't really need George to tell me what to do, but as I type this, I suddenly see a whole new internet meme starting...)
At one point in the movie, when telling her about the re-entry vessel, George says to Sandra, "You just point the damned thing at Earth and go. It is not rocket science."
This summer we had a huge obstacle placed in front of us and normal life stopped. Thankfully, we all made it through that time and are now getting back to normal, but it is a new normal for all of us. There is a weird kind of comfort to being in hospital and having that cocoon of professionals and therapy schedules and routines protecting everyone from the real world. And then one day, you are officially 'discharged" and forced out of that cocoon to figure out how to fly on your own with your new wings. The rush and excitement and anxiety of getting ready for back to school and then the actual getting back to school has passed. Our new routines, the kids new activities and our new normals are starting to establish themselves in our lives. And yet, *I* still feel untethered.
A lot of my life feels like it is in auto-pilot and while I am doing all the things that need doing, I am not necessarily doing them, to use a term both my therapist and my yoga teacher like to use a lot, MINDFULLY. I get up, I get everyone ready for school, I drive them to school, I do the errands, I pick up the kids from school and take them to activities, I make dinner, I clean up, I do laundry, I watch TV/play Candy Crush/read, I go to bed. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I am finding it difficult to switch off that dial that has been on at full strength for the past four months. You know, the 'take care of all the things and all the people' one. Granted, as a mother, it is one that is never fully off, but I think I have to figure out how to at least dial it down a bit and turn up the one beside it called "take care of YOU". The trick is actually doing that and then not feeling guilty about it. Because the thing is, while I still have a role as mom and protector and wife and home-keeper to do, I have a larger role as Natasha too. And without her, all those other roles can't and won't be done with any sense of fulfilment and joy.
So.
Even though my momentum and personal growth journey may have come to a hard stop a few months ago due to circumstances beyond my control, now it is time to get going again. To pick up where things stopped and start/continue moving again.
Because George is right.
Okay George, whatever you say.
n~
willow
I have this beautiful girl in my life. She is my constant. She loves me like no one else, is always happy to see me and somehow knows just what to do whenever I am feeling blue. She is my companion, my protector, my goof, my comfort and yes, sometimes my headache too. And since the very first day that we met, and she put her head on my lap and looked at me with those big brown eyes, she set up camp in my heart and has occupied it without fail every day of her life. This week marks the tenth year of that life and of our lives together.
This is my Willow.
~~~~~
We didn't know her when she was this teeny, but look at what a cutie she was. The runt of her litter, with what our breeder called a bit of an anxiety issue (which she still has), we fell in love with her the day we met her at 12 weeks old and two weeks later, we brought her home with us.
Then the fun started. Crate training, puppy school, 2 AM pee-pee walks and that time when we woke up in the middle of the night and panicked because we couldn't find her - she was stuck under our bed. You know, regular new dog parent stuff. Then, there was that other time when I went to work and she chewed her way out of her metal crate and proceeded to pee and poop on the floor in front of my desk in my home office, as if she was telling me how NOT cool it was to leave her.
She came on road trips to the mountains and hiked our favourite trails with us. She learned how to swim in a river in B.C. and then we couldn't get her out of any body of water, EVER! She had a boyfriend across the back alley who was the biggest and most beautiful Bernese Mountain dog you have ever seen and the sight of them playing together and then spooning and cuddling after they had tuckered themselves out is still one of my favourite memories of all time.
She used to like to sleep in very um... interesting positions.
When I was pregnant with my first child and on bed rest, she became VERY protective of me and would always stand/sit/lay down between me and anyone else coming to the door or visiting. And when we finally brought home the baby, would do the same with him. She was and has always been very gentle with her little people. Her name was my daughter's first word, besides Mama and Dada.
She knows she dropped some on the totem pole with the arrival of each kid, but she also knows that she is now loved beyond compare by twice as many humans. Two more bi-pedals to walk and run with her, to throw the ball with her and to rub her belly for her. Yes, they dress her up every now and then, but this is the price you pay for being so loveable and so loved.
She is our family dog, but let's be honest, she is mine and I am hers and we all know it. I am the one whose side of the bed she wants to sleep on. I am the one who gets the jumping up and down crazy paws dance when it is time for a walk, I am the one who gives her ear medicine when she needs it and then all the treats and puppy massages afterwards. I am the one she cries for whenever I have to leave her anywhere (sorry doggie daycare workers and pet groomers and people outside the cafe while I get a coffee for our morning walks) and I am the one whose lap she jumps on to at the vet.
I am her mommy and she is my baby and if that makes me some kind of crazy dog lady than so be it! Because there is nothing in the world that is like the unconditional love of a dog. And this one, she loves me. And I love her. How else do you explain my willingness to go for a walk with her in -40° C in the middle of an Alberta winter?
Happy Birthday my girl!
Mama loves you.
n~
Pillows
While we were on Vancouver Island for our holidays recently, we visited more than one craft/street/farmer's market in the towns and areas surrounding us. It's one of my favourite things to do while we are there and I look forward to it every year. This year while at the market in Qualicum Beach, my daughter saw a super cute puppy pillow and really wanted it. It was $20 and I looked at it and thought, I can totally make that and proceeded to tell her this. And every day since we have been back she has asked me if today is the day we are going to make her puppy pillow. At this point my stalling seemed to be getting a bit cruel, and so I decided that yes, today was indeed that day.
Frst we had to go to Michael's and get supplies, and I don't know about you, but I can never get out of there without spending at least $100.00. Then we had to drive the 45 minutes to my mom's place to borrow her sewing machine, and being as it is now 12:35 AM, I have poked myself innumerable times with a sewing needle, had to go and check Youtube for a bunch of tutorials on how to actually use my mother's sewing machine and I am finally done and just put everything away, all I can think of is, "Damn it woman, buy the bloody $20 pillow next time!"
Also, this is what the house of a non-crafter looks like when she decides to go against her nature for the day! Don't ask about the hammer...
And this is the hand that had to undo way too many stitches today, because... NON-crafter!!
And after many hours, this is the final (non-stuffed) product. I gotta say, despite it all, I am feeling quite proud of myself. Yes, the whole thing cost way more than the $20 bucks I would have spent at the market, and yes, it took me all of the day to actually finish the damn thing, but I can't wait to see the look on her face when she sees this little guy sitting on her bedside table waiting for her tomorrow morning!
Here is the tutorial I found for the puppy pillow from Lisa over at The Red Thread. And since I was kind of on a roll and found some old quarter pieces of fabric that I had tucked away in the laundry room, I busted out this guy too. Yeah, C's gonna be stoked too! 
And now it is almost 1 AM. I have to be up in less than 6 hours and I believe that I have officially fulfilled my crafty-mama quota for this year! And to all you people who do this kind of thing for a living, I salute you! And I will never, ever again try to haggle with you over the cost of your products! Because if someone wanted to buy one of my pillows today, with the amount of time and effort and injury to my poor fingers that went into them, these babies would be $500 EACH!
n~
What the tides keep at bay
There is a sacredness to the tides, stepping your feet in the waters of the ocean and having it wash away the sand on your feet, only for more sand to be washed back upon them as the waves keep coming back towards you. The ocean's edge has always been a blissful place for me and it hurts my soul to leave it every time. I am a Capricorn, I am drawn towards bodies of water and to the heights of mountains and I wonder sometimes at the seemingly opposite pull of these two places. It is as if my body craves the solitude that exists in both, that my mind needs it and that I am most at peace when I am either dipping my feet in the waters that connect us all or breathing in the pure air of a mountain top.
Every time we go away to either the ocean or the mountains, I can't help but start planning for our next vacation.The next time I will get to dip my feet in the waters that wash everything away and make things new again, whether those waters come from the top of a mountain or the depths of the earth.
Maybe I am just feeling the effects of the full moon, the tides of our lives that pull us in certain directions, that help us to see things that we haven't seen before. The tides clean off the old dust and wash away what we no longer need, tumble us around to smooth out the rough edges and make us new again.
Maybe it is because I just finished reading The Alchemist and it too pulled at my soul. It made me think of the omens in my life and whether or not I always listen to them or am even aware of them. What would happen to this world we live in if we all did that? If we all listened the the Soul of the World and followed the signs it leaves for us. What if we trusted in love and followed our instincts, instead of constantly getting fooled by our fears?
I know this is all a bit trippy, but the last few days and weeks have made me really look at my life, my fears, the things I say to my kids over and over and the messages and fears that I am passing down to them. My daughter wants to be a ballet dancer and I am stressing over this because of my own fears and insecurities and issues about having a "perfect" dancer's body. The stress I am feeling is not about finding the best dance school for her, it is all about me, projecting my own fears of rejection and ridicule onto her. I am killing her dream before it even begins and I know this and I can't stop the panic I feel about it.
Panic and fear.
I have had enough of both in my life as of late and I so want out of this cycle. Being on the island for our holidays gave me that feeling of peace and a quiet in my soul that has not been there for a long time. I laid in the waters of the Pacific Ocean and the panic and fear was washed away. My family was whole and happy and together and I stepped into those waters every day and felt my connection to the earth and both the smallness and infiniteness of my being and my place in this world.
Now to figure out how to replicate that feeling here, at home, in my every day life, before the panic and fear start creeping in again.
n~
so what?
Sometimes you see or hear something and it just speaks to you on so many levels, it's impossible not to share it. Today Mary Lambert is IN MY HEAD! And for some reason, I have a feeling that many of you might feel the same way.
Am I wrong?
I don't care either Mary. Thank you for this!
n~
Cleaning out the draft folder: a year of random posts started, but not finished
Words were just not coming to me today, so I decided to go check on the 20+ posts I had sitting in my drafts folder. Some where just junk, a few words jotted down, an idea come and gone. Others I think could have been really good, but fizzled for one reason or another. Here is a sampling of some of those "could have been" posts from the last year....
..........
Nothing makes me feel more weak and useless than when my body is rebelling against me. I know that this is part of living with a chronic disease, but trust me, it doesn't make it any easier. This past month has been particularly tough. All the things that I want to do, the things that make me feel good and happy and calm and centered, are all things that I can't do right now. There has been no yoga, no personal training, no spin classes.
My knees have made an executive decision to be royally effed-up right now and they are taking the whole system down with them. It's been a while since I have had such a long flare of my Rheumatoid Arthritis and all my coping methods seem to have left on some tropical vacation and didn't tell me they were going away!
Bitches.
(may, 2013)
..........
L -"Mommy, do boys want to be beautiful?"
Me -"Of course, honey, everyone is beautiful in their own unique way."
L -"Mommy, do boys want to be responsible for their kids?"
Me -"Yes, daddies and mommies are both responsible for looking after their kids."
L -"Mommy, do daddies want to eat their kids brains?"
Me - "Ummm.....only if they are zombies."
These are the types of conversations I am having lately with my almost 5 year old daughter.
She is an observant little thing and notices everything around her.
Observations about a woman in full burka. "Look mama, a ninja girl" Observations about a boy with Cerebral Palsy. "He has cool robot legs"
(july, 2013)
..........
As of this week I have one child in grade one and one in kindergarten. According to everyone, everywhere, I should be an emotional wreck of a mother right about now. Crying and wailing as my babies leave me and I realize that I won't be there if they fall and scrape their knees, if someone says something to hurt their feelings or if they need help doing ANYTHING!
The thing is, I am not that mother. Not anymore.
The past few mornings at school as my daughters class lines up to go inside, there are a couple of kids who just don't really get the routine just yet. This is totally understandable, it's their first week, it's all new to everyone and it's a bit of a zoo in the mornings as everyone rushes in after the first bell rings. As I looked over to one mama I know, I could see the tension in her face and I asked her what was wrong?
"Oh, its just {kid's name here}, she is so spaced out and distracted about everything."
I grabbed this mom by the shoulders and I said, "YOU need to relax. She is feeding off of your energy and if she sees you calm and focused, she is going to get there too."
And there you have it Mamas (and daddies). If there is one lesson of parenting that I can impart to this world it is this.
Take a deep breath, slow your anxious heart rate and CALM THE FUCK DOWN!!
(september, 2013)
..........
I feel like the human race has lost its way.
That we are de-evolving as a species.
That Skynet or something like it is not that distant a reality if we are not careful.
The internet makes us all next door neighbours and it is harder and harder to live in our safe little bubbles when we can easily access each others bubbles 24/7. Our social networks make it hard to hide our indiscretions, our little (or big) faux pas of life, our oops moments and all those things that people used to say "behind closed doors" are now out there, for everyone to hear/read/watch.
It also makes it hard for people to hide their racism, their sexism, their ageism, their sizism... all the ISMs really. And I am not sure that we actually have MORE of it now then we have had in the past, I just think that we are FACED with it more each and every day via Facebook, or Twitter, or whatever other means of social networking people are using. And since we all know that the internet is forever, so to is everyone's memory of that time you totally wore "blackface" for Halloween and didn't get why that was such a big deal. Or that time you texted a picture of your penis to a much younger woman behind your wife and your constituents backs. Or that time you actually made a hashtag called #whitegirlsrock, in response to one called #blackgirlsrock because... I can't even think of a reason why?
I am pretty convinced that most of the world has been living in somewhat of a delusional state for quite a while now. Slavery was abolished, women got the vote, everyone has a Pride Parade these days and fat girls can even make it on the cover of fashion magazines. It's all good. No need to fight for anything anymore, the world is just hunky-dory.
Yeah, right...
(november, 2013)
..........
I spent 2 hours glued to my couch on Sunday night to watch the finale of the 27th season of Survivor. It was kind of a done deal for this season's winner, Tyson O, but I watched nonetheless, as I have every season for the past 13 years.
And because I have watched Survivor for over a decade, I kinda GET this show. I get how you play it and I get how you win it. I have a visceral response to EVERY tribal council and my body actually shakes uncontrollably. It's weird, I know.
This week's final tribal council was an interesting one to watch. Tyson, Monica and Gervase gave their final speeches to the seven voted-out jury members and they in turn asked their questions of the final three. What I found interesting were the questions that everyone was asking of Monica. At least three of the jury members asked Monica to reveal something vulnerable, something REAL and authentic about herself and her game play. I admit that it was a bit painful to watch her struggle to answer these questions. At one point she asked everyone, "Have you all never met a nice person?"
And so, this got me thinking, what does a nice person look like? Sound like?
And when we do see one of these strange beings, why are we so leery of them?
(december, 2013)
..........
I went to a yoga class this morning at my friend Mandy's studio. It is this small, peaceful, perfect space and myself and five other ladies had a wonderful yoga practice together. The energy that flows from Mandy is serene and this morning's practice was one of those things that I didn't really know I needed until it was over.
It is amazing what opening up your body physically can do to your mind and opening it up as well. So today, I am open to possibility, to wonder and to listening to my own needs and giving myself what I need to be a better human being for those who need me.
(may, 2014)
..........
I had no new words today, but I do have some very pretty flowering trees blooming in my yard and that makes me happy!
Newness will come when it is ready.
natasha~
Thoughts on a plane.
I woke this morning with little legs intertwined with mine and wispy fine hair tickling my nose. I don't remember what time she came over, but L snuck into our bed once again last night. Not that I really mind though. After all these years of some form of bed-sharing, it has somehow become the norm for us to all figure out how we fit together and sleep.
We are like a little four person jigsaw puzzle and somehow we manage to fit all the pieces together on our queen-sized bed. No small feat, let me tell you! L’s internal alarm clock woke us all up at 6:44 AM as she slid out of the bed and declared to everyone her need to pee.
.....
I joined a yoga class last week. My friend Mandy has a beautiful little studio in her equally beautiful house and has been teaching yoga and meditation for over 15 years. She is the kind of person in whose company you can't help but feel a sense of calm and serenity.
All of this week, amongst the preparation and angst of me going away for four days to MOM 2.0 Summit, all I could think about was going to yoga with Mandy again. Class was this morning and it was a glorious and much needed hour of practice! And I am not just saying that because she gives all of us a neck massage as we lay in our final savasana. I had rushed into the studio after dropping of the kids at school with a raging storm of pre-travel and pre-conference anxiety nestled in my solar plexus and what I can only describe as angry moths (as opposed to butterflies) in my tummy. I set my intention for my practice of 'calming the storm within' and for the next hour I breathed and moved my way to a place of calm waters, glorious sunshine and openness of mind, body and spirit.
Mandy spoke of the Hindu Goddess Shiva, who is known as the destroyer. How destruction is not always a negative thing and that it is often necessary in life in order to clear away the old and make room for new things to flourish. It reminded me of the forest fire video that the kids and I watch at the museum that shows the time-lapsed regrowth of the forest after the devastation and destruction of the fire. There is beauty in this process and it takes looking at it from a little bit of a different angle to see this and to know that the fire had to happen for the life of the forest to be sustained. I started thinking about all of the things/feelings/ways of thinking that we hold on to in our own lives, for whatever reason (safety, habit, tradition), that no longer serve us. Perhaps it is time to let Shiva in to do her thing, so that we can make room for and create the right nurturing environment for new things to take root.
.....
Airports make me nervous. Granted more often than not it is more of an excited nervous, but still it is there. I get anxious about getting there on time, I am worried that I forgot to pack something, I worry about losing my boarding pass and saying goodbye and "please dear God be on the other end" to my checked luggage. I remind myself about a dozen times to go to the bathroom before getting on the plane - because, hello - men and airplane bathrooms - Duh! I start to relax a bit after I've passed through security, which, by the way, is always a special full body pat-down treat when one had metal implants.
The first leg of my trip this weekend is to the Twin Citiies. One of the things I also do when flying is play the "I wonder where they are going" game about all of the other travellers on my flight. I am on a small plane, an E170-CP, that is full to capacity and if I were to hazard a guess, I'd say 75% of the passengers are men who look like they are travelling for work - briefcases, laptops and androids abound. I mention this because I am sitting in the window seat surrounded on all three sides by said business men. Once we were up in the air, I tried to recline my seat and the man behind me got a bit agnry about it and gave me a big, "JESUS, lady"! It seems my comfort was infringing upon his very important newspaper reading. I apologized and brought my seat back upright and then noticed two things that I was doing. One, I was physically making myself smaller, trying not to take up to much space from the 'important' people around me, and two, I had to consciously STOP the self-talk that started in my head about me being "just" the silly little housewife going away to her silly little blogging conference.
That was the moment I pulled out my laptop and started writing. All of the men and women on this plane are doing important things in their lives, of this I have no doubt. And not one of them is without his or her own fears or worries or insecurities (even though some may not be as kind as others).
All of these thoughts have led me to want to set an intention for my time at the Mom 2.014 Summit this weekend and this is it:
I intend to see beyond myself and to recognize the connections we all have to each other. The needs we all have to be seen, to be valued and to know that whatever we choose to "do" for a living, or for a life, is important, is worthwhile and is done as uniquely as we all are ourselves.
.....
Let the conferencing, connecting and celebrating begin!
natasha~
making time for practice
Everything is a practice these days. We must practice gratitude, practice meditating, practice writing (or whatever your creative outlet is), practice our sport/yoga/fitness regime of choice, practice healthy eating, practice drinking more water and on and on.
I know it, you know it, but damn it, sometimes it just feels like NO ONE HAS TIME FOR ALL OF THAT PRACTICING!
In an effort to be a better practitioner of LIFE and all the things in it that give me joy and meaning, I am making a conscious effort to make time to practice some gratitude.
Right here. Right now.
Ok, here goes...
On Sunday, my family let me sleep in until 10 AM. My husband got up with the kids, fed everyone, walked the dog and then they just let me be. I eventually got out of bed, had a nice long shower and meandered out of my room around 10:30AM. It was glorious!
.....
And then, my daughter went into the play room, made 4 animal puppets from a foam craft kit ALL BY HERSELF and proceeded to cast herself and her brother in a puppet show for my enjoyment. I sat back, drank a cup of the new Goddess tea that I picked up at the Make It show and enjoyed my children's imaginations!
.....
Later that day, they asked if we could go to the library, "...the one with the fancy roof Mom." So off we went. I brought my laptop and my notebook and while the kids were off choosing books and playing phonics games on the library computers, I started to write and catch up on some #YearofWriting assignments (I am terribly behind in these!). The funny thing is, I haven't stopped writing since then. Either in the notebook (some things really are just for me) or here on my blog.
.....
Hmmmm.... maybe there is some truth to this practice thing. I'll keep going.
I have a hard time remembering or enjoying drinking 8+ glasses of water a day. So I made a deal with myself. I'll drink more of it IF it is bubbly. I bought a case of San Pellegrino at Costco and for the past few weeks have been happily drinking all the sparkly water I can! And just in case you were wondering, no, it is not bad for me and yes, it is just as hydrating as flat water.
.....
I do not like doing laundry. I will procrastinate doing this task until someone runs out of a critical piece of clothing and then starts asking me about it. I will then reluctantly start the sorting and washing and drying of said clothing. This usually drags out for a few days (Ok, fine, a week or more) and then, just as I have finally folded all the laundry from one week, I have to start on another weeks worth. Yesterday, I did 5 loads of laundry, folded 4 of them, put them away and now only have the towels left to finish folding today. The sense of accomplishment I have over this simple thing is completely ridiculous and yes, it is something that I could get used to. With practice. ;)
.....
OK, I don't want to overdo it here...
I'll keep this up and start a little bit of a weekly #gratitude post because...
PRACTICE!!
with gratitude,
n~