Am I pretty? And other ways we use the internet...
A couple of weeks ago I came across something on the internet that made my heart and my head hurt. It made me hurt for the awkward, unpopular, misunderstood, lost teenage girl that I was oh so many years ago, and it made me hurt for all the awkward, unpopular, misunderstood, and lost teenage girls that are doing this THING today.. The thing I am talking about is a YouTube phenomenon called, " Am I Pretty or Ugly?". Girls, many of them young teenagers, upload a video of themselves and ask the collective opinion of the brutally honest (read: cruel) YouTube commenters to tell them if they are, you guessed it, pretty or ugly.
I am simultaneously saddened that hundreds of girls are doing this (There are almost 600,000 results when you search for "am I pretty or ugly" on Youtube) and I am curious as to how this phenomenon differs from our culture of sharing/oversharing/liking/+1'ing/RTing and so on that we do everyday on all our various social media sites. If you really think about this, have we actually progressed that far from that insecure teenager looking for some kind of validation?
And if we are also being brutally honest here and the answer is not really, then why is that?
We post multiple different kinds of selfies all over the internet. We post pictures of cakes we have baked and delicious meals we have prepared. We post before and after pictures of our house cleaning. We post pictures of our fancy new nail polish application. We post our #NewDo pics. We post our sweaty faces after a good workout. And then we wait. We wait for the validation of our efforts. We wait for the likes, the <3, the fancy emoticon hearts. We wait for the comments. We wait to be told from friends and strangers alike that, "Yes, yes indeed, you are pretty, talented, organized, creative, sparkly, strong, brilliant, hilarious!" We would all be lying through our teeth if we didn't admit to feeling that validation, that sense of "they like me, they really, really LIKE me" every time there is a new like or comment or favourite or RT on any of the different ways we broadcast ourselves each and every day.
I think we are all guilty of doing a bit of the "am I pretty or ugly" game. We just frame it differently now that we are grown-ups and are, of course, fully confident in ourselves and our lives (ha!). For the most part, we also choose our audience better too (although I suppose this is debatable depending on your followers or friends lists).
Is it any wonder that our children are now using these tools and these sites to seek validation about themselves? Think of the examples we are setting for them all the time. We record all of their special moments and tell ourselves that we are going to go home and make a wonderful video montage of their lives for posterity and what do we do instead? We upload it to Vine or Instagram or Facebook and wait for the "OMG!! So much CUTENESS!!!" comments. We lose the pure thrill of the moment and wait for the thrill of "sharing" that moment with everyone else. We are essentially showing our children that they exist for others entertainment, for mommy and daddy to broadcast to the world and we are telling them that the internet gets a say in their lives. So, it begs the question then, why wouldn't they then take control of this into their own hands once they are able to and seek that validation on their own?
Look, I am not trying to be a hypocrite. I post A LOT of pictures and videos of my kids online. As they get older though, I am becoming more and more aware of how this can and WILL affect them in the future. They will see their photos on the internet and they will see the comments. They will see MY comments and they will read what others have said about them too, the good and the bad.
Something in all of this brings me back to what I learned from Gordon Neufeld last year at his "Raising Kids in a Digital Age" lecture. I went back and had a look at my notes and his slides and found the one I was thinking about.
Dr. Neufeld calls this diagram the "roots of attachment". These roots are the things that all children, all human beings, need to feel like they belong, that they are loved, that they have a strong home base that they are attached to. It's our job as parents to provide all of these things, to ensure that these "roots" have a good strong hold in the ground before the "plant" can grow to its full potential. Yet if you take a closer look at all of these things, most of them can be associated with or superficially fulfilled by one form of Social Media or another. Contact and connection - Friend Request and Follow. Approval and significance - LIKE and RT. Belonging and loyalty - Groups and Lists and Circles. Warmth and Love - comments and <3 and :-) faces!
Listen, you don't have to be a renowned child psychologist to figure out that the internet in all its glorious connectivity, is actually removing us from true human connection and attachment. That in our attempts to give our children all they need to be independent and "successful" in this world, we are actually letting them loose into a world that, for the most part, does not CARE about their best interests, that can and will judge them anonymously for every flaw and every wrinkle in the pattern of their being. Unless we really start to think about how we are raising our children (and how we ourselves are behaving and using Social Media) in this digital age, we are running the risk that our children will see themselves through the distorted and superficial lens of something that, try as they might (through asking questions like "Am I pretty or ugly?) will never fill up their basic human need for connection and attachment and a true sense of self-worth.
I realize that Youtube and social media and the internet are not going anywhere. I just hope that I am setting a good example for my children about how to use it responsibly and also making sure that overall, the roots of their budding trees are getting all the watering and nutrients that they need to thrive in this world, both online and off.
natasha~
*For more information about the 'Am I pretty or ugly?' phenomenon, check out the website and project that performance artist Louise Orwin has started about it.
To tweet or not to tweet: That is the question.
I have been active on Twitter for almost 4 years. I was @naturalurbanmom for most of that, @SAHFeminist for a bit and now you can find me @NatashaChiam. I have sent almost 28,000 tweets in that time, have just over 4000 followers and am following ~1900 folks myself. I use Twitter in a few different ways. It is a way for me to stay up to date with news and world events (I follow a few trusted news agencies), to know what's going on in circles that matter to me (feminism, parenting, #YEG), to share my writing and blog with a larger audience and to stay in contact with friends near and far.
I LIKE Twitter. A LOT. I like that it is a real-time social tool and I like a lot of the people I have "met" via this platform. And on Twitter, I am ME. Yes, it also says Stay@HomeFeminist on my profile, and I live that reality every day, online and off.
But like anything in our highly digital world these days, Twitter has an ugly side. Or rather, Twitter allows for the ugly side of humanity to manifest itself a little bit easier.
We see it time and time again. A beautiful woman of colour wins the Miss America pageant and BOOM! The VERY ugly side of Twitter erupts. A woman wants to talk about Tropes in video games/pop culture and her life is threatened. And you can find countless awful examples of sexism and racism all over social media. These days Twitter is the no-holds-barred medium of the troll, the bully, the poor-priveledged-me's and the NIMBY's of the world and you can actually fit quite a few mean and hateful words into 140 characters.
Twitter seems to also be the place for people to have "personas". There is a whole subculture of Twitter, the so-called 'Weird Twitter', where people have anonymous accounts to which they can post all kinds of wacky, often highly inappropriate for everyday conversation things and they get to be all, well... weird. I am not knocking it, I just really don't get it.
And then there are the people who are "really nice IRL (in real life) or offline, but assholes online." To be perfectly honest, these are the ones that I have a hard time wrapping my brain around and the ones that piss me off the most. These are the subtweeters, the "I am not saying anything directly to you, or about you, but I'll just tweet MY OPINION about this topic and you can't get offended because it is only my opinion and it's not my fault if you don't like it." These online assholes are the subtle or not so subtle mockers of the internet. The ones that for some reason actually believe that their ONLINE personas do not represent the 'real' them and because of this and to keep up the act, think that it is totally acceptable for them to be assholes online.
The problem as I see it is this. An asshole is an asshole is an asshole. Whether you are online or off, 140 characters or 1200 words or face-to-face. And you can replace asshole with bully, or someone who plays the victim all the time, or any number of folks who insist on maintaining that their online 'personas' are separate from the real them.
This clip from Louis CK on Conan has been making the rounds this week and I am going to post it again. And while he is talking about why cell phones (and by extension what kids are doing on said cell phones) are toxic for our children, I think that too much of anything is toxic for ANYONE and that too much social media puts us all at risk of losing some of our empathy and turning into the "stupid kids".
[youtube]http://youtu.be/5HbYScltf1c[/youtube]
The validation that people get with a RT or an LMAO or a 'LIKE' is NOT real. The mean words that people write on any social media platform are and can have profound effects on others and for the most part, there are no real world consequences for them. Often these exchanges get chalked up to, "You misinterpreted my TONE' , and/or the apology of the bully, 'I'm sorry you felt bad and misunderstood my words, but that is on you, not me'. Yeah, online or IRL, that shit doesn't fly with me (and for me that kind of behaviour online often results in an unfollow and/or block).
Like she was reading my mind today, Glennon at The Momastery wrote about the dangers of social media (and cereal). She took a 40 day hiatus from social media and learned some life lessons that I definitely needed reminding of today.
And I'd go one step further and say that social media is also a breeding ground for those that like to bulldoze over others in the name of "having an opinion" and for people to let their inner asshole out to play with little to no regard for others or the consequences of their 140 characters.
It's enough to make a girl want to go on an internet fast of her own.
Which is what I just might do.
Maybe.
Starting in about 10 days.
You know, after I get back from that, ahem... social media/blogging conference thing.
{I know, I know, I have a problem.}
Signing off
{for today},
natasha~
make your bed and be on time
Happiness is a funny thing. Sometimes it hits you just as hard as its arch-nemesis, sadness and/or depression.
And then you don't know what to do about it.
You don't want to talk about it, because then you'll *JINX* it. You don't want to celebrate anything too wildly, because you don't want to seem boastful or like you are rubbing it in anyone's face. And because of the nature of our often cruel and spiteful world, you hold your breath, silently enjoying your happy, while at the same time, constantly looking over your shoulder, waiting for that ominous other shoe to drop.
But why should anyone feel ashamed of being happy? That just seems incredibly counter intuitive to the whole concept.
Yet, there it is.
I'd like to blame the Internet for this shame (or more specifically, Facebook), but that's not quite right. The Internet, for all that we capitalize the word, it not an identity, not a person or persons that we can "blame" for our happiness, our sadness, or any emotion that we feel. The Internet is a means of communicating, of connecting and of sharing information. How we FEEL about that information is completely up to us. We are in charge of our use of it and of how much or how little of it we filter.
Last week, I read about tech journalist Paul Miller's return to the Internet after 365 days offline. I think most people, including Paul, expected this grand epiphany to occur during his time away from the digital world. He left the internet to find the 'Real Paul', because he thought that being online had somehow 'corrupted' him. What he in fact ended up realizing was not quite what he had in mind.
What I do know is that I can't blame the internet, or any circumstance, for my problems. I have many of the same priorities I had before I left the internet: family, friends, work, learning. And I have no guarantee I'll stick with them when I get back on the internet — I probably won't, to be honest. But at least I'll know that it's not the internet's fault. I'll know who's responsible, and who can fix it.
Right now, at this moment in my life, I am happier than I have been in months.
Life does not feel overwhelming to me right now. Maybe it is because I have slowed down and am paying closer attention to the little things more. Maybe it's because I am paying someone a crap-load of money to let me cry buckets in her office and leave all of the sadness there before our time is up. Maybe it's because I have FINALLY realized that flying by the seat of one's pants is not always the best way to go about one's life, especially when you are the one responsible for other, smaller people's lives as well.
I believe that a strange combination of a lot of little things has added up to me being a happier, more calm, more zen version of me than I have ever been before. Some of these things may seem silly, but here are just a few examples of what makes me feel happy these days.
All the beds are made every morning in our house. I never thought of unmade beds as a big deal before. We were just going to go to sleep in them again in 12-16 hours, so why bother making them? Well, I am here to tell you that it does make a difference. A made bed looks better, it makes you feel ORGANIZED and it gives you a good jumping off point in the mornings. And why spend all that money on a fancy duvet cover only to crumple it up in a ball every day?
Being on time. For those of you who don't know me very well, punctuality is NOT one of my virtues. It's a running joke within my family that I am told to arrive at least 30 minutes before the actual start time for any important events. My clock in my car is set 17 minutes ahead for the same reason. It got to the point that the one time a few months ago when we were early for an appointment and I mentioned this to the kids, my son looked at me and said, "Mom, what does early mean?" I vowed then and there to change that and for the most part, I have. Now he asks me if we are going to be TOO early everywhere we go.
Date nights. My husband and I have always had date nights, but we used to fill them with things to do. We would go to a movie or shop or stroll through Ikea or go for a drive. Date nights now are dinner at a new restaurant we haven't tried before. They are a minimum of three hours long and we eat wonderful food and we TALK. We talk about our life, we talk about others, we discuss plans for the future, we people watch and and *sometimes* we make up funny stories about the folks at the next table. We sit across the table and give each other our undivided attention. It's not just about getting out of the house and away from the kids, it's about growing together and discovering all over again why we love each other so much. And... *ahem*... all that intellectual stimulation makes for great foreplay!
No more Facebook. I know it seems silly and according to Paul, was not what was making him unhappy, but for me, not engaging on Facebook has somehow given me a release from something that was holding me back. I can't quite articulate what that something was just yet, but I do know that it is not there anymore. I admit that I do creep on FB sometimes and have to keep my account active to manage the page for the Natural Urban Mamas community, but I do not LIKE or COMMENT on anything. It simply doesn't seem genuine to me anymore and although I can see and love all the new baby/new house/new car/fabulous vacations that you are all posting about, I really would rather we went for coffee or I popped over to see you and the baby/house/car/pictures in person.
Losing the fear of just being ME. The other day, my good friend Jen Banks asked me to present an award at The Yeggies, a celebration of all the local and amazing social media folks in my fair city. I was thrilled to do so and immediately said yes. The wonderful Tanis Miller won for Best in Family and Parenting and it was an honour to present the woman who inspired me to blog this well-deserved award. Afterwards someone asked me if I was scared speaking in front of a room full of so many people. I said no, not at all. I may have been nervous right before I hit the stage, but I was not afraid. A few weeks ago, I changed my Twitter handle from @SAHFeminist to @NatashaChiam. And while it is a bit scary to put one's REAL name out there for all the Internet to see, it felt right. Just like being up on a stage with a microphone in front of me does.
It's a strange thing to be fearless. I don't think that it means to fear nothing. That would just be silly, because if a tiger escaped from the zoo and made its way to my back yard, trust me, there would be FEAR (and possibly some soiled underpants as well). I think fearless means to be brave and the dictionary defines brave as "being able to face fear and danger without flinching." *I* say being brave and fearless means being able to face LIFE without flinching.
And in that regard, I believe that fearlessness is a direct line to happiness. If we can face our lives without flinching, if we can own who we are, the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly, and if we can do so honestly, than one day, without you even seeing it coming, HAPPINESS is going to come right up to you, smack you in the face and say,
HA!!
GOTCHA!!
Natasha~
Photo Credit: Sparklerawk on Flickr
~~~~~~~~~~~~
What about you? How do you define happiness? Or fearlessness?
Feeding the wolves
A Cherokee Legend
An old Grandfather said to his grandson, who came to him with anger at a friend who had done him an injustice, "Let me tell you a story.
I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do.
But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times." He continued, "It is as if there are two wolves inside me. One is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him, and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.
But the other wolf, ah! He is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger,for his anger will change nothing.
Sometimes, it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit."
The boy looked intently into his Grandfather's eyes and asked, "Which one wins, Grandfather?"
The Grandfather smiled and quietly said, "The one I feed."
~~~~~
I read this tonight and it really made me stop and think.
Which wolf am I feeding?
I woke up this morning, dead tired from a wonderful weekend at Folk Fest and ready to get back to real life. We had swimming lessons to get to, the neglected laundry to wash/dry/fold/put away and I had some calls to make on the never ending house and landscaping to do list.
As I usually do in the morning while the kids are eating breakfast, I checked in on my social media sites. And I saw something on my Facebook feed that immediately pissed me off. It's been something that has been bugging me for a few weeks and I really shouldn't care about it, but I do. I am human, I have an ego and we were both feeling hurt. It is a "little thing" and it was starting to "set me into a fit of temper".
I REALLY wanted to be passive aggressive and post something scathing about this thing that is bugging me on Twitter or Facebook. I wanted to say that some of the people involved don't deserve to be there and that I am just as worthy. (And, no, I am not going to tell you what it is. This is all you are going to get from me about it.) I did not post these thoughts that I was having anywhere and the reason for that was becauseI realized that the real issue here is...
That I was jealous.
Jealous that I was not asked to be part of something and others were.
And these feelings, this jealousy, this negativity, this anger that I am feeling is FEEDING THE WRONG WOLF!
So, instead of going on a public feeding frenzy, I shut it down. I logged out of my social media sites, the kids and I had lunch, and then we all snuggled together in my bed and had a much needed two and a half hour nap.
I don't know about you, but I am seeing WAY too much of these kinds of wolf feeding patterns EVERYWHERE on the Internet lately and the Big Bad Wolf population is getting a bit out of hand.
Don't like how someone is raising their kid--feed the bad wolf!
Don't like the mama breastfeeding her child at the restaurant - FEED the bad wolf!
Don't like pictures of babies on the Internet - feed the bad wolf! (Or just download a ridiculous App for that.)
Don't like the way a company or a group is running their business - feed the bad wolf!
Don't like a certain group of anyone in particular for whatever ridiculous reason - feed the bad wolf!
This list could go on and on and on. It seems that as human beings, we have no shortage of things that piss us off. Things that make us angry and hateful and overly critical and judgmental and yes, jealous too. The Internet and social media, for all the amazing things that they can do in terms of connecting us all, they are also havens for these big bad wolves just waiting for feeding time!
Today I made a decision. I looked inside of myself at the two wolves fighting for dominion over my spirit.
And I chose the Good Wolf.
I chose to feed her, to let go of the hurt that I know was never intended to hurt and to find harmony with those around me. I chose to find harmony with myself as well. When feeding the good wolf today, I really thought about why I do the things that I do, particularly blogging. I realized that although recognition and accolades and sponsorships and all the rest of it is nice, it is not what keeps me here.
This chronicle of my life and my thoughts and my journey, it is what it is and it is for ME. I write to become a better writer. I write to share thoughts that otherwise clog up my brain and keep me awake at night. I write to share my experiences in the hopes that others will be inspired, will laugh, will cry and will perhaps take some grain of knowledge or wisdom or silliness away with them into their own lives.
I write to feed the Good Wolf.
And that is enough for me.
Natasha~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is Day 13 of the 31 Days of Summer Blog Challenge.
Not quite half-way, but it is practically all downhill from here. Right?
Please keep reading and encouraging the other participants as well.
Zita at The Dulock Diaries.
Meaghan at MagzD Life
April at This Mom’s Got Something to Say
Aramelle at One Wheeler’s World
Jessica at 2plus2X2
and Liam at In the Now
Repeat after me... Breastfeeding is not OBSCENE!!
...and yet, the breastfeeding witch hunt rages on... And very strongly on Facebook again!
More breastfeeding pictures have been removed, people's accounts have been blocked or suspended and there is much confusion about what Facebook's actual policy on breastfeeding photos is or if they even have one.
You would think that they do have one based on this response from Facebook's own Help Centre.
But in an article published in the Vancouver Sun yesterday, Facebook's Canadian publicist said that,
"...although Facebook does not have a specific policy regarding breastfeeding images but given that Facebook’s policy is no nudity it would be best not to post (breastfeeding images),.."
The mixed messages from Facebook are enough to make my head spin!
For the whole back story and media updates I will direct you to my friend Jodine Chase's blog. She has been chronicling this most recent battle daily since it all started on Sunday when Emma Kwasnica, founder of the Human Milk 4 Human Babies milk-sharing network (which ironically started on Facebook), had her breastfeeding pictures flagged, removed and her Facebook account suspended for 24 hours and then another 72 hours after that.
In a show of solidarity with Emma and ALL breastfeeding mamas and their rights to post these photos on Facebook and as a kind of virtual nurse-in (and yes, I will re-address my stance on nurse-ins in general in another post), I asked my fellow mamas and followers on the Natural Urban Mamas Facebook page to post their breastfeeding photos.
And the response was amazing...
All night long and well into Monday mamas posted amazing, beautiful, funny, newborn, toddler and everything in between BREASTFEEDING photos all over the Natural Urban Mamas wall!
But I wanted to do more.
And so I made this.
I hope you like it.
I hope you will share it.
And I hope that not one of you backs down or ever feels like you need to cover up or "do that somewhere else" while breastfeeding, whether in real life or virtually by not posting or removing your nursing photos from social media sites like Facebook.
This is for you Emma and for all of the breastfeeding mamas out there fighting this battle and working tirelessly every day to make the sight of a breastfeeding mother the normal, commonplace, not-really-a-big-deal, just-a-baby-eating, thing that it really is!
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdvVVAtTo4Y[/youtube]
Give those babies some Booby Snacks Mamas!
Natasha~
Video music credit goes to:
The Star Wars Theme by John Williams
Booby Snacks by Moorea Mallat, www.songsforbreastfeeding.com
Dog Days are Over by Florence and the Machine, www.florenceandthemachine.net
Friend?
You know when you write a word over and over and over and over...and eventually it starts to look somehow wrong?
Or when you use a word over and over and over and over, like "OMG, I love that sweater!", "I love that movie!", "I love that couch!", "I love these socks", "I love pomegranate lip gloss!" and eventually the word LOVE loses some of its true meaning and meaningfulness?
I think this is what has happened to the word and perhaps by extension, the concept of a FRIEND. Quite specifically in the realm of social media.
I write this after almost a month of not writing a whole lot because of personal issues and insecurities about myself and my place in this online world and with my friends within it.
Recently on Facebook, I was 'un-friended' and blocked from someones personal page. I did not think this was a big deal. We are not very close and have more of a professional relationship than a personal one. I read her status update before she removed me (and quite a few other people too) and I respected her decision to keep her page personal and for her close friends and family members.
Remember when that was what we used Facebook for? To keep our friends and family updated on our lives. Remember how fun it was to post pictures of the kids and our vacations for all our friends and family to oooh and ahhh over? When we could write personal messages on our pages and not worry about who was lurking about to see where we are and who we are with and who we are talking to? When no one was taking screen shots of our pages and forwarding them on in emails to other people for God knows what reasons? When every App on earth wasn't asking to 'GeoTag' you and announce to the world where you are "checking-in"?
Back then (a whole two years ago, if that even), you had maybe about 67 friends on your Facebook page and hadn't even heard of Twitter. And every one of those friends was either AT your wedding or at one of your birthday parties in the past 5 years!
So, {at least in my mind}, this begs the question....
Has the inescapable realm of Wifi, and unlimited data plans and Twitter and Facebook and Google+ and FourSquare and... and... and... completely wrecked our understanding, interpretation and definition of FRIENDSHIP?
Think about this for a minute.
How many of your {insert number here} Facebook friends would drop everything and come over to watch your kids if you were stuck in bed with the worst flu of your life? How many would dog-sit for you in an emergency? How many would buy you coffee and give you an ACTUAL hug if you were having a really bad day? How many would pick up the phone and call you....or even have your direct phone number for that matter?
What then constitutes a true friend? The Merriam-Webster Dictionary definition of the word is this:
Definition of FRIEND
1 a: one attached to another by affection or esteemb:acquaintance2 a: one that is not hostileb: one that is of the same nation, party, or group3 : one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)4 : a favored companion
I do believe that there are levels of friendship and some friendships are closer than others. Some are deeper. Some are based on a long history together, some on mutual life experiences, some on similar belief systems and some on the simple foundation of a love of all things shoes. And these days, some are IRL and some are SOF (strictly online friend - I think I just made that up).
For the sake of full disclosure, I have ONE Best Friend. I have known her for over 20 years and she has seen me in all my good, bad, ugly, beautiful, sick, elated, sad-beyond-belief and so-excited-I-could-fly glory! And I hers. And we RARELY talk via social media.
On the other hand, I have 190 Facebook Friends. And if I sat down and set up some form of criteria for who and what I truly believe a friend is, I know that this number would decrease significantly. Or at least be divided into categories.
I found this post by Kristen Tennant about the four levels of friendship and I think she does a pretty good job of describing these levels or categories.
Category 4 friends are people you say hello to and maybe stop and chat for a while if you run into them at the cafe or bar. They’re probably friends of yours on Facebook, but if it weren’t for Facebook, they would have almost no clue what’s going on in your day-to-day life.
Category 3 friends encompass a lot of people like co-workers, members of your church or community, the parents of your kids’ friends, and others you see and talk to regularly but don’t necessarily go out of your way to get together with. Every once in a while, you might decide to call them up and see if they want to meet you for lunch, or you might invite them to a big party you’re having, but the expectations of your relationship are low and the interactions are casual.
Category 2 friends can get more complicated, because the relationship is deeper, but the expectations often aren’t clear. They’re your go-to friends when you feel like getting a group of people together on a Saturday night, or you want to go out to dinner to celebrate a birthday, or you feel like inviting someone over for dinner. These are the friends you spend time with once or twice a month, but I also think we keep ourselves (or our hearts?) at a bit of a distance, to protect ourselves from feeling left out, hurt, or disappointed when they don’t come through.
And Category 1 friends? I think I would describe them exactly the way my nine-year-old daughter would: They understand you—they get who you are at your core, which means you can completely be yourself around them, without worrying what they will think. Category 1 friends like to spend time doing the things that you like doing best. And they always want to see you. Whenever you feel the urge to see them, they’re ready and waiting, thrilled to see you if they can possibly make it happen.
Now, no, I am not about to go and categorize everyone on my Facebook page, but I will make the case for having Lists on Twitter and Facebook and deciding how much you want to interact or share with these lists. You can set these criteria in your account privacy and settings pages on both platforms and on Facebook, no one knows when they are added/removed from one of your lists and on Twitter you can make both private and public lists.
How you use social media is of course your prerogative. These are after all your pages and what you do with them is your choice. So if you want to remove me, un-friend me, un-follow or block me from your friend list or your feed because we really are not much more than acquaintances or we have more of a business relationship than a personal one, go ahead, it is OK.
I will not be offended and I will respect your wishes.
And if need be, I generally know how to get in touch with you outside of stalking ...uhm, I mean, social media.
Natasha~
P.S. And now for my favourite song about Facebook by the incredible Kate Miller-Heidke. (WARNING: EXPLICIT LYRICS-NOT FOR THE KIDDIES!!)
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0FdR7dEAYU[/youtube]
P.P.S. I'm BaaaAAAAACK!!!
Photo Credit: Wonderbra Print Ad. 2009. Reza Behnam-photographer.
Finding my Blogging Bliss
Two weeks ago I went to my first big blogging conference.
And I learned a few things about myself.
I am a writer.
And a business woman.
And a mom.
And a wife.
A friend. A fan. A partner.
A very bad singer.
And one hell of a One Man Wolf Pack.
I was very excited about going to Blissdom Canada 2011. I bought my ticket the hour they went on sale and suspect that I might have gotten THE last one available that day! And fresh off of my time at ShesConnected two weeks prior, I thought I had a 'plan' going into this one. Yet once again, what I came out with was so much more and not really what I had planned at all. And to be perfectly honest, in reading some of the other attendees posts after the conference, I have learned and discovered even more. About myself and what it is that I want to give and get in this world we call the "blogosphere".
First and foremost what I want is hours and hours more to sit and talk with a few very special people who I met. I have been doing a lot of back reading this week of some pretty amazing blogs and wishing with all my heart that I had more time with their writers. Thank goodness for Twitter and comments and all the multiple ways we can still 'talk' to each other online. Otherwise, I think I might descend into a deep depression!
Secondly what I want or maybe what I got was perspective. As in, what we think we want is not always what we need. On day one of the conference at the CBC Live Welcome Reception, I was interviewed by Social Media Week and was quoted in their #BlissdomCanada post this past week. In it I am referred to as the Healthy Business Blogger and when I spoke to the interviewer I was focused on my 'plan', I talked about how I was at Blissdom to build momentum for my blog and interest from the brands and sponsors present to get them to venture West to the great Prairie plains that we blog from! This may still be part of the plan, but after the two days of sessions, the screening of the documentary MissRepresentation and the many conversations with my fellow bloggers, with the brands and sponsors present and with other small business owners like myself that walk a fine and often very different social media line that others, the 'plan' has been refined.
I think there are some really great companies out there that I am very excited to work with. And essentially what I took away from Blissdom and from reading some great post-conference posts from the likes of Alex from @Clippo, @BonStewart and Annie from @PhdinParenting, is that at Natural Urban Mamas, I am here for YOU. And I will NEVER compromise my voice, my talent, my writing or my opinions for the almighty dollar. If and when I do work with brands, they will be in line with my values, they will ADD value to you, my readers and they will be fun people to work with! You know...like you and me! ;)
Once I wrapped my brain around this and took a step away from the "Business" track of the conference, I was able to connect and get to know some rather amazing women and a few cool dudes too and focus on the 'why we do what we do' part of blogging.
I ended up attending more of the Art Track sessions at the conference than the Commerce Track (not what I thought I would do, but these were the people and rooms that I was drawn to). The 'Social Media for Social Good" session was a very big reminder of how we can change the world and how a simple harnessing of the power of social media and directing it to "do good" for others can really affect change. I had a hard time keeping the tears from streaming down my face as I sat at my table with the incredible Heather Hamilton (@tjzmommy) and watched a video of her sweet baby boy Zach, who is gone now, but who lives on in the hearts and on the Twitter avatars of so many with that tiny little Elmo. The most powerful message that I got from that session was that it is not always about doing big things and changing the world, sometimes it is simply about doing something to change even one person's life. And we can all do that.
Next up was the session on 'Taking your Craft to the Next Level'. This session appealed to the perfectionist in me. Spelling and grammar matter to me, and it seems that I need to get myself a writing Style Guide too!! Seriously--if you ever find a typo in my posts, please send me a DM or email so I can fix it! The panel consisted of some great writers, including the very funny Karen Green (@Karengreeners) who had one of my favourite lines of the day..."I am not interested in winning the internet, I want to win a Pulitzer!" and the every witty Aidan Morgan (@palinode) who gave us a fabulous 30 second writing for search engines tutorial (which we all made him repeat very s-l0-w-l-y). And yet another of my online super-crushes, Elan Morgan, Aidan's wife and the woman better known as Schmutzie, was sitting at the table next to me. Needless to say, I felt like the kid who just walked into the "gifted" class by accident. I may have also Googled one or two of the bigger words used that day! Thank Gawd for the Merriam-Webster online dictionary!
I then managed to squeeze into the standing room only session about "Defining Yourself and Your Creative Work", the beast also known as 'personal branding'. This particular panel did not disappoint their audience and kept their moderator, Julie Cole from Mabel's Labels on her toes! Dee Brun (@CocktailDeeva), Gail Vaz-Oxlade, Kimberly Seldon and Patti Sullivan all showed us just why they are who they are and why we love them so much. The overall message I got from this session is that it is OK to be you, just know then that YOU may not be what everyone is looking for. Having conviction, knowing who YOU are and not compromising your integrity, your values or your voice matters, not only to those hearing or reading you, but to your kids, your community and most of all to YOU! This was a good session for me and um...why yes, it did end with Gail giving me a big old smooch...right on the mouth!!!
I would be remiss if I did not give a shout out to some of the great women I met that weekend. The highlight for me may have been meeting and spending time with a woman whose writing, whose insight, and whose activism is an inspiration to me every day.. yes, I am talking about the amazing Annie Urban of Phd in Parenting. And she is one heck of a dance partner too!!
To Hollie Pollard (@commoncentsmom) for welcoming me with open arms first at #SCCTO and then for being the first familiar and friendly face I saw when I arrived at Blissdom Canada. This woman is truly one of the kindest, most genuine human beings that I have ever met and I am honoured to count her as a friend! Thank you Hollie for taking me 'under your wing' and for facilitating some very important introductions!
To Tilley from @Preshusme for giving me my baby and babywearing fix while away from my littles! Seriously woman, you make some damn cute babies and that little Peanut of yours practically stole every heart at Blissdom Canada this year. I swear I can still hear his crazy babbling and sweet baby laughs!!
And finally to my incredible friend and fellow Edmonton Blogger, the amazing Jennifer Banks (@JenBanksYeg). Thanks for being my roomie, for kicking me under the table when I was talking too loud, for being the Yin to my Yang in practically all that we do and for well...just being the ever so awesome YOU! I am so glad that we got to share this experience together and were able to actually have time to just hang out, meet some great people and come away with a whole new plan for our little corners of the interwebs!
Refreshed and with a new plan,
Natasha~
What I believe...
I believe that in order to be a star, you have to shine your light on others. I believe that what you put out to the world comes back to you three-fold (good and bad).
I believe that we all have a purpose. Some of us are better than others at uncovering what exactly that is.
I believe that like attracts like, on a very DEEP level.
I believe in the power of connections through word of mouth and personal experiences.
I believe in being passionate about life, love and work.
I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt, even if I do end up getting burned.
I believe in collaboration and cooperation, not competition. (Although I do like a well-deserved WIN!)
I believe that ALL things in our lives happen for a reason. (Not the first time I have said this.)
I believe in taking a leap of faith, making the first move and going for it. (Even though I always think I am going to totally pee my pants right before I actually DO anything!)
And every time I look at THIS picture of myself,
I feel incredible and BELIEVE that I can DO anything!
This photo is my professional head shot. It was taken last summer, by the ever so talented Linda Patterson of Timeless Edge Photography.
Linda has a gift. She also believes passionately in her purpose as a photographer and story-teller. And she gets goosebumps when she takes the perfect shot. And quite frankly people, if she can make one dawg-tired mama look this good, it is a seriously awesome gift!
This picture of me is EVERYWHERE. My website, my facebook page, twitter, here on the blog, you name it!
It is my mark, my signature, my way of saying 'Hey there, this is ME!' to everyone in the ever-expanding world of Social Media. And it is very important to have an image like this that truly reflects who YOU are in this online world.
To that end, Linda is offering a fabulous deal to local Edmonton men and women who NEED to get a really good or a new and updated head shot/avatar/Gravatar/profile picture. Trust me people, it does make a difference!
It was not until I changed my profile picture on 'the tweeter' to the above picture of myself, that the venerable and oh, so awesome @unmarketing, Mr. Scott Stratten himself, started following me!
So, take the leap and go for it. Get your head shots done with Linda this month and trust me, you won't be disappointed.
And who knows what kind of increased and fabulous following you will soon be enjoying!!!
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I also believe in the power of Social Media!!
Night all,
Natasha~