Memory Lane
Christmas is over for another year.
It was a crazy, loud, lovely, family (and turkey) filled couple of days. The kids were thrilled with their gifts from Santa and sad to see their little Elf pal leave until next year (yes, we have one too). And as per the family tradition that my mother tells me I started as a child, my children woke up promptly at 6:00 AM to inform us of the big guy's annual break and entry!
I've got to say though, Christmas felt a bit weird to me this year. If felt like it snuck up on me very, very quickly and just as fast, it was gone. All that is left are the two dozen gingerbread cookies that SOMEONE is going to have to eat and half of the turkey begging to be made into who-knows-what kind of leftover dish.
I've done a lot of reflecting for the past few weeks (and little else apparently). And I keep coming back to the thought that the magic that we associate with Christmas, that we remember from our own childhoods, just can't be recreated. Or maybe it can, but we, as grown-ups, just don't see it the same way anymore.
As kids, my mom used to take us to Candy Cane Lane every year. As I remember it, this yearly tradition was always a spectacular highlight to the season! So many lights, so many little Christmas montages on everyone's front yards, and practically every single house on that eight block stretch lit up like an multi-coloured airport runway of Christmas kitsch for Santa to land his sleigh on!
Last week my sister and I took our little ones to the lane as we have done almost every year, but for some reason, this year, I just wasn't feeling it. And upon debriefing with my children afterwards, it seems I was not the only one. Oh sure, there are still the few houses that really do make the effort and try to capture all the awesomeness that I remember from long ago, but the gaps of three or four houses in a row with no lights at all, or the one who put out a string of lights and a sign that reads, "No Time, NO money!", really kind of puts a damper on the whole Christmas spirit thing, especially when your kids can now read and ask you why someone would put up a sign like that.
At one point on our trek down this literal memory lane, I looked over and saw a packed horse-drawn sleigh ride going by and on it an over-tired and over-stimulated toddler losing his ever-loving mind and screaming his head off while his mother just held him on her lap and stared ahead with a look of utter defeat. That sleigh ride is 45 minutes long people. FORTY-FIVE minutes.
Mediocre effort IMO, but we do love paris around these parts.
It makes me wonder about my mother taking us there all those years ago. She was a single mom, with four kids to keep an eye on. There HAD to be some whining and crying and yelling and not-so-much-with-the-Christmas-spiriting at some point. She MUST have been that mom with at least one kid losing his or her shit on one of those occasions. The thing is, I just don't remember it that way. I remember the magic. I remember the wonder. I remember the way that a tree full of twinkly lights, a Santa being pulled by reindeers attached to someone's roof, and a full-sized manger scene with a real, live donkey makes my heart feel. I remember getting home after and having hot chocolate with all the marshmallows we wanted and telling each other which house was our favourite. (Mine was always the house with the GIANT star way on top of it with strings of light "falling" to the top of the elaborate manger scene - did I mention we were a very Catholic family?)
I keep going back to Candy Cane Lane every year because I want to believe that this tradition will somehow evoke those magical feelings that I used to have in my own children. This year was the first year that I realized that this may not be the case and that it may be time for a new tradition. That my memories of something the way it was, just don't add up to the way it is NOW.
In some ways, this realization makes me profoundly sad. It is one that I am making about a few things in my life right now and this is a major breakthrough (struggle?) for me. It is hard to let go of the habits or traditions or thought patterns that take us back to who and/or how we think we are supposed to be. Regardless of what Elsa sings on that mountain top, letting go is not as easy as conjuring up a giant ice castle with your bare hands in a matter of minutes!
I believe that part of what I have been feeling this year was this need to tick off a list of all the "must do" Christmas activities and then feeling disappointed in myself when we didn't do them or no one wanted to do them. And I know this may sound silly, but I think that in those few seconds that I looked over at him, that screaming toddler, on what I can only assume was a very long, ear-splitting sleigh ride, may have taught me the most valuable life lesson this Christmas season. Family traditions should be fun. For everyone. And if it they are not, then it's time to pull the pin on it and find a new one (or perhaps try again later).
The fortunate thing is that my wonderful city is full of great winter and holiday season activities and we won't have to look far to find that special family tradition that will be OURS. That we can all truly enjoy and that my children will one day look back on and only remember the magic, the joy and the special heart-feels that they got from doing these things as a family.
And then they will very likely wonder all of these exact same thoughts that I just have and move on with their own families and traditions.
Freaking circle of life...
N~
six months ago : today
Six months ago, this day seemed so very, very, far away.
Six months ago, he was fighting for his life, with machines breathing for him, pumping his heart for him and cleaning his blood for him.
Six months ago, for the most terrifying five minutes of my life, I was thinking I'd have to plan a different kind of celebration of life.
Six months ago, he was my tiny baby boy and all I could do was hold his hand and hope that my love and strength flowed into him like the cocktail of medicines did via his intravenous lines.
infusing love and strength
Six months ago, he had to learn to walk again. And then run. And then climb.
Six months seems like forever, and somehow also not that long ago. We have daily reminders of what was and the challenges ahead, but they are getting smaller and smaller as we get further and further away from that time.
TODAY, he is 8 years old!
Today, he is wearing the new T-Rex shirt that I got him for his birthday. He made Holiday Rice Krispie treats to share with all his classmates. He ran and jumped in the snow this morning as we took the dog for a walk before school.
Today, he will swim at his swimming lessons like the fish-boy he is and as usual, he'll outpace most of the other kids in his class.
Today, I am getting everything ready for his birthday party tomorrow and have never been happier to make this many cupcakes in all my life!
Today, I am grateful for so much. For the immense and wonderful health care team that brought him back to us. For so many friends and family who held us up and provided us the needed strength and support to make it through the past six months. For his teachers and coaches and friends who don't see a kid with a disability and who continue to challenge him to grow and learn and be his very best self every day.
Today, I am the proud, thankful, and overjoyed mother of this KID!
Birthday Cuddles
Happy Birthday Beautiful Boy!
{I love you ONE}
Natasha~
Being a feminist is hard... or is it?
Staying warm is hard too!
Sometimes being a feminist is hard. I mean outside of the obvious stuff like the continual oppression and marginalization of women, our bodies, our opinions and all that. I am talking about the other stuff.
The things that I used to be able to enjoy because of a deliberate ignorance or wilful blindness to how it made women look or feel. Oh, yes, I hear you Katy Perry and even you Madonna, and you too, Juliette Binoche. There are days when it totally sucks to be a feminist.
Like when that new song by Maroon 5 comes on the radio, and I really do like that Adam Levine and his ability to pull off skin tight pleather and make it look sexy as hell, and then I listen a bit closer and catch the drift of the lyrics and it all seems rather aggressively stalker-ish to me. And then I watch the video and IT IS ABSOLUTELY ABOUT CREEPY STALKER ADAM! I get that it is art and meant to provoke and blah, blah, blah, but why does so much art always have to have as its subject the terrorizing, objectification, and/or attacking of women?
Or like when everyone is going on and on about how they can't wait for their annual viewing of everyone's favourite holiday movie, Love Actually, and all I can think of is how every single story line in that movie trots out a tired old misogynistic trope of the female movie character and none of the story lines has a women as the MAIN focus. Not once does this movie even veer in the vicinity of the Bechdel Test. Emma Thompson is the tired housewife whose husband is on the verge of cheating on her and she just has to suck it up like a good girl. Hugh Grant, charming as he is, has a crush on the "chubby" girl from the wrong side of the tracks. The weird and twisted obsession that Andrew Lincoln's character has with his best friend's wife - and then she KISSES him? Laura Linney may have a pseudo-main-story line, but it is just so bloody painful to watch, as she sacrifices any happiness of her own for her brother. And the "I'm going to America to get me some hot girls", well... do I really have to say anything about that story line?
These days, the only thing that saves the movie just a teeny bit for me is the relationship that Martin Freeman and Joanna Page strike up in the most awkward of circumstances and the fact that little Jojen Reed (Thomas Brodie-Sangster) looks like a ginger version of my kid. So, fine, I'll watch it. BUT, I am not going to like it that much and I will be rolling my eyes A LOT!
Being a feminist is hard when I am trying to watch a Disney movie with my kids. I grew up with Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty. I know all the words to all the songs for all the movies, I had a MAJOR crush on the Beast when he changed back to the handsome prince and have always loved the idea of having a Fairy Godmother to look out for me. Nowadays though, things are different. And even though I don't actually do this (for fear that they may never want to watch a movie with me again), I feel like I should be pausing these movies every few minutes for short feminist lessons. NO, it is not right that the Beast took Belle away from her father and locked her up - that's called kidnapping and it is illegal. NO, what Ursula is saying to Ariel is not the way to "get a guy to love you". Actually... let's just fast forward this whole bit.... because it is really quite awful. And while Frozen may have it's own feminist issues and is not perfect, Anna is right - you really CAN NOT marry a man you just met that day!
Now, of course I know that these instances of hardship while being feminist are not actually that hard. That there are women who have been murdered because of the simple fact that female is their gender, that being a woman and having an opinion on something makes you a target for threats and hate these days. That there still exists a pay gap between men and women doing the exact same job and that for most girls and women in the world, an education is a privilege and not a right.
But those little things, they do matter too. The choices that we make every day add up. Not listening to or buying music that is clearly about violence towards women is a choice you can make. Choosing to watch movies with your kids that don't relay the tired old messages of the prince saving the princess or that girls being pretty (or boys being strong and hard) is all that is needed to succeed, is a choice you can make. Saying something to that friend who is making a really sexist joke at a party, is a choice you can make. Supporting organizations that are working to provide education for girls around the world is a choice you can make.
It is not actually that hard to be a feminist. Because if you believe that all people are entitled to the same civil rights and liberties and can be intellectual equals regardless of gender, then guess what? You are a feminist.
Yes, some issues or habits or things that you used to not really care about, or perhaps didn't pay attention to or think about that deeply are going to come up right in your face and make you question both yourself and whatever that thing is. And while this may suck for a bit, trust me, in the end, we will all be better for it!
N~
Feminist Fare Friday: The Christmas Gift Guide Edition
Everyone's got one.
A Christmas Gift Guide that is.
I've got a few ideas that I hope you'll like, and that may make that someone special on your list very, very happy this coming Christmas morning.
So, without further ado, I am going to don my helper shopping elf hat, put on my sparkly shoes and get to it!
(Disclaimer: I have not received compensation for any of these recommendations, they are simply products/people/companies that I think are awesome.)
1. CanvasPop
CanvasPop is a Canadian company that will take any digital file (Instagram, Facebook photos, or from your camera/computer file) and make it into a brilliant piece of artwork for your walls. Get those great shots off your camera and Instagram feeds and display them on your walls. You can make a collage, do a tryptich of canvases, or think big and do a whole gallery wall or series of canvases. They even include the hanging hardware and those little bumper thingies with all of their canvases (it's the little things that make me such a fan). I have one huge wall in our Natural Urban Home that will soon be covered with 6 new canvases and I can't wait to see how it is going to look when they are all hung! And did I mention that their customer service is beyond exceptional? I had already received 3 of the canvases and while the quality of the printing and craftsmanship was excellent, I wasn't 100% satisfied with the size that I had ordered. I called them to see what could be done and within minutes, I had new proofs to approve, a small charge to my Paypal account and new canvases being reprinted for me, exactly as I want them!
If you use this link to order from CanvasPop you'll get a sweet little discount too!
2. Lostmy.Name
For the past few weeks I have been seeing the Facebook ads for this company popping up all over my timeline. I eventually clicked on it one day and it took me to the website where I discovered these super sweet personalized story books.
I love that this is a company of dads (and an uncle), that they started this as a DIY project, and that they are making magic and memories for kids all over the world. I have ordered one for my daughter and one for my nephew and can't wait to see the look on their faces when they realize that the books are about them! And bonus feature for bilingual kids, you can also order the books in French, Spanish and Dutch. You've still got a few days to get your order in for Christmas as the cut-off date is December 9th.
I have been a fan of this local #YEG company for years. They are one of the main reasons I visit our downtown Farmer's Market so often in the summer and because of those visits, The Consort and I have a nice little collection of their wearable art in our wardrobes. The two talented women behind Salgado Fenwick make t-shirts, sweatshirts, leggings and pillows featuring their original hand-drawn artwork. Everything is silkscreened in small batches right here in Edmonton, Alberta and sold online, at craft fairs, and at their newly opened brick and mortar store as well. I love that each season they create a new and limited edition collection and I know that I'll continue to add to ours as the years go by! Local, wearable, art - the trifecta of reasons to shop with them!
I call her Zena, eagle warrior.
Last weekend I attended the Royal Bison Art & Craft Fair and stumbled upon these soaps. The Consort is a notoriously hard man to buy for, as he is always saying things like, "I don't need anything" and "Don't worry about me"... Why doesn't he understand that I LIKE TO GIVE GIFTS! Anywho.... the one thing he does like is soap, nice smelling, manly soap. And you can't get any more manly then these BROBRICKS. With names like Cedar & Beer, Barber Shop, and Leather Scrub and a tag line that says "Smack the Filth Off!", you really can't go wrong putting a few of these in your man-dude's stocking this year!
BroBrick Soaps
5. One Red Bead
My friend Mandy is an inspiration to me and many others as well. She is also one of the driving forces behind the India Nepal Yoga Project, a grassroots organization that is working to heal the wounds of trafficked girls and women in that part of the world. One of the missions of the INYP is to assist in the creation of sustainable means for the financial future of those effected by trafficking and HIV/AIDS. On her most recent trip in Nepal, Mandy had a dream one night about one red balloon. The next day, after some brainstorming with the INYP group and the residents of an HIV/Aids hospice, they came up with the idea that blossomed into ONE RED BEAD.
One Red Bead
The red tibetan healing bead is crafted from yak bone and is representative of the precious girl, affected by the devastation that is human trafficking and HIV/AIDS. Not only do the women feel a sense of pride and purpose in hand-crafting these wonderful bracelets, but the bracelet itself offers awareness, hope and support. 100% of the profit from the sale of these bracelets goes directly to help those living with HIV/AIDS and girls rescued from trafficking. This is the kind of giving that truly makes Christmas wonderful. Give a beautiful gift to someone you love and give the gift of hope to a girl or woman a world away. Order HERE.
There you have it folks.
The 2014 Stay at Home Feminist Christmas Gift Guide!
Now, go get that shopping done so that everything arrives in time.
Merry, Happy!
Natasha*
notice anything?
I kinda moved.
I have been dreaming about having my site professionally designed for the last few years and I finally decided that this was the year to do it. And I knew from the get-go who I wanted to design it for me.
After a couple of very tangential Skype conversations with the uber-talented Elan Morgan of Schmutzie.com (we tend to catch up/shop/talk about ALL THE THINGS when we "see" each other), she managed to piece together the actual website designing parts of our "meetings" and build me a website that is SO MUCH ME, I seriously can't stop smiling when I look at it!
MY "LOOK AT MY NEW SITE" PERMA-GRIN!
Welcome to my new home on the internet. I really hope you like it as much as I do, although I am not sure if that is entirely possible, because I love, love, LOVE it!
Have a peek around. You can find past posts by Month, Tags or Categories by clicking on the picture of my little family of shadows, learn all kinds of quirky things about me by clicking on my lovely selfie (taken in the restroom at the Cookoo in Coombs Trattoria & Pizzaria restaurant because I was having a really good hair day!) and be sure to Subscribe to get new posts delivered right to your email or RSS feed by clicking on the kids and their real life hungry, hungry caterpillar friend!
Yesterday I wrote the Stay at Home Feminist's Christmas Gift Guide post and was all set to publish it on my Wordpress site as a kind of last hurrah over there. And then, like some kind of karmic message from the internet, WP ate my post. I guess it was just not meant to be anymore. As you can see, I am now working and writing on Squarespace and I am excited to figure out all the cool things that I can do on this platform.
Right now I am re-writng the Christmas Gift Guide and it will be posted tomorrow for Feminist Fare Friday.
Until then, Subscribe! Catch up on posts you've missed and please leave me (and Elan) comments and feedback on my new internet home!
'Til tomorrow!
Natasha~
Days that don't suck are a good thing.
Late last night I got an email from the little one's teacher asking if I could step in for a field trip in the morning. I knew Little L would be thrilled and so I agreed and then surprised her this morning when I told her I would be going on the trip with her class today. Of course, then I looked outside and saw the foot and a half of snow that we had to navigate through to actually get to school. I realized that the last time I was on a yellow school bus in a snow storm was sometime in late 1989 when my bus got stranded and stuck in traffic for 5 hours on our way home from school. This was going to be interesting.
And yet, despite the odds against us, the snowpocalypse, 50+ six year olds Grade One students going to see the ballet, and no time for me to get a coffee, it went remarkably well. My kid has the best teacher (I am not kidding, she is amazing and I am seriously worried that my kids are going to peak with their best teacher in Grade 1), and she had her class of 20 kids running like a well-oiled and extremely colourful snow-geared-up machine.
The ballet itself was so much fun. It was a production/adaptation of The Night Before Christmas put on by the students of Vimy Ridge Academy and I was incredibly impressed by the caliber of dance and performance that these kids have.
I watched Little L from my seat at the end of our aisle. She was the one kid who sat on the very edge of her seat, who clapped the loudest, and who noticed little details like the different costumes and different music used by the contemporary dancers versus the ballet dancers. I saw in her eyes that her love of dance is thoroughly entrenched and my life as a dance mom is all but inevitable.
After everyone had been safely bussed back to school and to a much needed "collation" (that's French for snack), I made a snap decision to go to the mall and check out Black Friday at a few of my favourite stores. It was a gamble to be sure; would I even make it there with the streets covered in snow? Would I find parking? How bad were the lines and how good were the sales?
In the end it was all worth it. I found a decent parking spot, the mall was surprisingly not as busy as I expected, and after circling Anthropologie a few times, I asked a sales person to find my lobster, the one item that I have been coveting in the catalogue for the past few months. She found it. I bought it - at 25% off too - and my day was officially made!
I am not sure what to call her yet (I am leaning towards Frida), but I do think I may be developing a little bit of a throw pillow problem...
Today was one of those days. One that defies (bad) expectations. One in which it feels like time is on your side, that there is plenty of it, and that all will be good in the world.
At least for today.
n~
folding to the panic and chaos
Last night, everything kind of hit me all at once. Some things I can talk and write about, others I can not.
I am trying to take care of everyone and everything and starting to feel very overwhelmed.
There is just too much going on and not enough of me to go around...
My reserves are severely tapped. I feel as if I am driving an old beat up car and just filling it up $5.00 at a time and never running on a full tank.
This is not a good way to live.
I spend my days daydreaming of sleeping for a whole day (or a whole weekend). Of taking off to a far away island somewhere to stand in the sun, like some kind of mom-version of Olivia Pope. Of not having to worry about anyone or anything for just a few hours.
It just doesn't seem to be the year for that.
We are in the height of flu season, I have had a head cold for over a week that I just can't shake, and I am perpetually paranoid about passing any kind of respiratory illness to my son. I know I am going to have a giant panic attack the day he gets his next fever and while I rationally know that this is ridiculous and that he will be fine, it's not something I can get away from yet.
Yesterday, he had a follow up appointment with the audiologist. It's an almost 2 hour appointment and halfway into the second hour, my phone rang. It was the kid's school. They were sending my daughter to the office and asking me to come pick her up because she had a fever and a tummy ache.
I froze. I didn't know what to do. I was on the other side of town, finding out that my son's hearing is not improving and may, for some reason, be getting worse, and my daughter was at school with a fever and a tummy ache and historically, these symptoms usually precede some kind of expelling of bodily fluids. I am fully aware that I have had far worse days than yesterday, and some quite recently, but it was just all too much. We cut the audiology appointment short and promised to follow up on another day for the debriefing part. We made it to the school within 25 minutes and I found her with a warm forehead, red cheeks, and a rumbling tummy, waiting quietly for me in the office. We all went home, changed into our pyjamas, laid out some towels on top of the bed (just in case) and had a nap.
Well, that was my plan at least. The kids "napped" for all of 15 minutes and then went off to play and demand things like snacks and Netflix access and reading of books and a bunch of other things that were not SLEEPING. And damn it, I was just so tired (and a certain someone got over her feverishness very quickly).
After dinner, The Consort and I managed to get the kids to bed early and then I planted myself in front of the TV in the living room and settled in for my version of a soothing, brainless, providing-order-when-I-feel-surrounded-by-chaos, activity: folding laundry. I sat and folded and surrounded myself with neat little piles of my family's perfectly folded wardrobes and felt a calm descend upon me.
And then I decided to watch Benjamin Button and cried all the tears.
{Sigh}
Maybe I should just take up colouring like my friend Elan has.
n~
Two things.
I spent the day in a room full of babies and baby carriers today at a local Babywearing Swap & Shop organized by a friend of mine. I had a bin full of demo carriers left over from my personal babywearing stash, the Natural Urban Mamas store and my babywearing educator days. I took along The Little Lady and we set up our table (she brought two of her doll carriers to sell) for a day of babywearing and de-stashing. This event confirmed a few things for me.
The first, is that I really am done with that phase of my life.
I don't long to hold every baby that comes my way, although I'll gladly do so if you need me to. I don't look at mamas with beautiful blossoming bellies and instinctively touch my own and wonder what it would be like again. Neither my ovaries, nor my boobs, feel any kind of twinge-ing or tingling when I hear a baby coo or cry. And surprisingly, I no longer yearn for the days of wearing my babies anymore - although I am almost 99% sure that my daughter would jump at the chance if I offered.
It's officially official. I am done with babyhood. So much so, that I didn't even wrap a baby on myself today OR take a babywearing selfie!
The second thing that was confirmed for me today, is that I am still really good at two things: educating and selling.
I love the look on a parent's face when I am able to show them how to use a carrier properly and it's like a whole new world has opened up for them. Or when a mama tells me that she has a ring sling, but her baby hates it and then I tweak it just a bit (upright positioning people!) and again that "OMG, I had no idea!" face happens. The best one today was the sweet, 8-week old, baby girl who fell asleep within 10 seconds of being put into a wrap carrier for the first time. That was the easiest $100 bucks I have ever made! Well, except for that one time at... oh, never mind. ;)
Sales has always been something that I am good at. In retail, as a pharmaceutical sales rep, and as an online boutique owner, it's just kind of what I do, and do really well. I catch myself doing it even when I am not making any money at it! Did I ever tell you about that time when we where building our first home and I spent a day at the show home office and sold two houses for our builder? Yup, that happened.
I once attended a brilliant talk by Arlene Dickinson (I highly recommend you go see her speak if you ever get the chance). Arlene talks about how marketing is all about story telling and there is a very good reason that Arlene is as successful as she is, she is a DAMN GOOD story teller! Sales is a bit different though. Selling is about listening to another person's story and asking questions and then finding the right product to fit into that story. Sometimes that product is what you have on your table and sometimes it isn't and you have to send them somewhere else to find what they need. To me, THAT is the sign of a good salesperson. Remember that next time you are shopping and/or trying to sell something.
~~~~~
It's nice to have days that affirm certain aspects of your life for you.
It feels good to not have that nagging feeling of what if following you around and taking your focus away from the currently IS.
It's also nice to have that "I've still got it" feeling too.
Now, I've just got to figure out how to work what I've still got into where I am now in my life...
That's the next challenge.
