try something new they said...
we all put on masks
but taking them off reveals
the glow of being
literally.
(yes, this is my first Haiku.)
N~
Points for presentation?
Hillary Clinton almost passed out Sunday at the 9/11 Memorial Event in NYC, and almost everyone is in a freaking tizzy about it.
EXCEPT FOR EVERY WOMAN EVERYWHERE.
Because you know what?
Women just know. You keep doing what you have to do, no matter what. Even in the face of pneumonia, and standing for hours in "feels like 36 Degree Celsius" weather, and wearing a goddamn bullet-proof vest ALL THE TIME. And that was just one day people! This woman has been on the campaign trail for 8 months doing this every day.
Today, I had an appointment with my family doctor. I needed some prescription refills, and after almost three months of near constant back pain and referred pain down my leg, I figured it was time to mention it to her.
The thing is, I know why I have back pain. It's because of my knees. At this point in my life with RA (see X-ray below to really get it), the only thing that will help with the knees - and thus the back too - is getting them replaced.
It's not pretty in there!
Why am I telling you all this and what does it have to do with Hillary Clinton?
Because this is the conversation that happened today with my doctor:
Her: Hey, how are you? Ooooh, I love your boots. Let me see.
Me: Aren't they great? I got them on sale at Gravity Pope.
Her: Nice. Ok, so how are things going with the meds?
Me: Good. I am happy with both. I think they are helping and I just need refills.
Her: Ok, that's great. And what is going on with your back?
Me: Did you get the letter from the surgeon? I am on the waitlist for knee surgery, but this back pain is getting to be a bit much.
Her: Ok, take off your pants and let me see you walk.
Me: (strips to my undies and takes four steps)
Her: OH MY GOODNESS Natasha! Your alignment is terrible! Like REALLY awful! How did I not know how bad this is?
Me: I don't know. It's just how it is.
Her: I am so sorry. You just present so well, you don't complain, you are always so put together. I forget how much you have going on inside your body. You have to remind me to not just chat about your cute shoes and to check you more!*
Me: um.. OK.
And there you have it people.
That is what women do. We keep it together. We don't complain.
WE PRESENT SO WELL.
Until we can't anymore.
Until we pass out on the way to our car because we have pneumonia, and we didn't make a big deal about it because we can't appear weak in any way or it's the lead story on every national news network in the world, and then Trump's numbers go up, and we love our country too much to let him win.
Or
Until we can't walk our kids to school or take our beloved pup to the dog park anymore, because four blocks in, everything on one side of our body seizes up and we can barely move due to the damage in our knees, which is so bad, the word deformed is now being tossed around by all who look at them, and we have to finally admit that we need to use the cane that is sitting beside our bed and not worry about what everyone will think about that.
Or... you know... something like that.
I get why Hillz didn't want to announce that she has pneumonia. She's in the fight of her life right now, and she's fighting not just for herself, but for her country. What's at stake here is huge and she knows it. So she PRESENTS HERSELF WELL, at all times (and at all costs).
This is wrong people. She shouldn't have to do this. None of us should have to perform and/or present ourselves as invincible just to be taken seriously, or to not be seen as less than. This is beyond emotional labour. This is some kind of "Female Atlas Holding the World on HER Shoulders ALL THE TIME so no one is put out or inconvenienced by a woman's needs or senses any exploitable weakness in her" labour. SO wrong.
This presenting well that women do is a learned behaviour. Hillary said as much in her HONY interview,
“But it’s hard work to present yourself in the best possible way. You have to communicate in a way that people say: ‘OK, I get her.’ And that can be more difficult for a woman. Because who are your models? If you want to run for the Senate, or run for the Presidency, most of your role models are going to be men. And what works for them won’t work for you. Women are seen through a different lens. It’s not bad. It’s just a fact. ”
I have to disagree with her a bit on this one point though, while it may be just a fact, I do believe it is bad.
I mean, when is the last time you EVER heard anyone tell a man in any situation that he presents himself so well? No really, WHEN??
Is it because for some reason (cough... patriarchy... cough) the default for women is to present poorly? To throw our hands up when things get tough and just give up? To not DO all the things? Because, as far as I can see, women never do that. Most women that I know, do ALL the things, all the time, and most often without complaint.
So, I really don't get it. Why is everyone surprised about a woman not telling anyone she is sick?
Someone has to keep the ship on course and I am sorry, but it ain't gonna be the dudes. And dudes, before you get all up in arms about that statement and try to #notalldudes me - THINK ABOUT IT.
Here's what I say:
Rest up a bit Hillz (if you can). Take your meds, maybe top them up with some Zinc and Vitamin C too. Catch up on an episode or two of your favourite Netflix show.
I'll get my fancy cane out and use it, and take the damn painkillers when I need to. I'll stop being a hero and start being realistic about my limitations.
Because we still have a lot of work to do.
And britches get shit done!
NO MATTER WHAT.
N~
*(I am totally not dissing my physician here. We have a very casual and laid back doctor-patient relationship and it's how we are with each other. I wouldn't trade her for anyone.)
Feminist Fare Friday: The Soy Yo Edition
Another Friday and another trip to the laundromat for me.
Yes, our washing machine is still broken, but at least today my old friend Ryan, who just happens to own an appliance repair company, came over see what the problem is, and to let us know at least how much longer we have to wait to get parts!
What else is one to do while you wait for your laundry to be done?
READ all the great feminist stuff that the internet has provided this week.
Which is what I did and now here it is for you.
**********
1. Brandon Stanton from Humans of New York photographed and interviewed Hillary Clinton this week. And I don't know ANY woman who can not relate to these words from the future President of the United States...
“But I had to learn as a young woman to control my emotions. And that’s a hard path to walk. Because you need to protect yourself, you need to keep steady, but at the same time you don’t want to seem ‘walled off.’”
2. I was a tried and true fan of What Not to Wear for many seasons back in the day, and have always loved Stacy London. This piece she wrote for Refinery 29 for their F*ckTheFashionRules September run - and probably one of the best I have ever read there - cements that love and makes me think Stacy and I should totally hang out one day, or at least be Facebook friends.
“It isn’t simply that I no longer play by the gender rulebook, it’s that the rules suddenly feel stacked against me. We still live in a culture where men grow more handsome, distinguished, and even trustworthy with age. Women are not afforded the same. Sociobiologically speaking, in caveman days, if we could no longer bear children our use-value dropped sharply and inevitably. And it was rather convenient that our lifespans were short enough that we would generally die soon after childbearing age anyway. So what’s a modern-day woman, who could live to be 120, going to do with all this extra time in the middle? In the middle of the middle? ”
3. I have recently learned about something called noncomplementary behaviour. It's really kind of fascinating and if you really want to have a super awesome AHA moment, listen to this INVISIBILIA podcast to learn more about it.
I bring this up, because I want to share the following comic created by a french illustrator on what to do if you are a bystander and witness islamaphobia. It's a technique I think would work in many situations, is based on the idea of noncomplementary behaviour, and really, it could save a life.
4. This music video from Bomba Estéreo is everything this week. Soy Yo means It's Me, and the little girl in the video is ALL OF US.
**********
Have a great weekend everyone!
N~
P.S. If you haven't guessed already, I am writing a post a day for the month of September. Come back every day! I'll try to keep it interesting ;)
honestly
Honesty.
"How was your summer?"
My summer wasn't fabulous. It was just OK. There are reasons, but you probably don't really want to know about them.
"Are you OK? Did you hurt yourself?"
I'm limping because I have a chronic disease that eats away at my joints, and has done so daily for the last 25 years. I can barely walk more than 5 blocks before my knee completely stops working. Do you want to hear what bone rubbing on bone sounds like?
"I see you kept your hair like that."
Did you mean to use your inner voice for that random and completely unnecessary comment about my appearance?
"You say you are a feminist. Can you tell me all your beliefs and why you are for it?"
I can, but I won't, because I see you know how to use a computer and have a big interest in playing Call of Duty. I am going to also assume you can find your way to GOOGLE and do some self-education for your "little project".
"Are those new pants?"
Yes honey they are. (END of conversation.)
"So, umm.... how much money do you make writing?"
How much do you make doing your job? Oh, we just met and you don't really want to tell a stranger what your salary is, and how this does or does not set your value as a human being.
I see...
"You sure take a lot of selfies. Isn't that a bit narcissistic?"
Sure is. Check out the lighting and angle I got in this one. {Pulls up Instagram on iPhone}
#ICAMETOSLAYBABY!!!
"Hey, would you like to come to this (insert event/party/social gathering here)?"
No. Contrary to popular belief, I am a socially awkward introvert, I never remember people's names, I feel like I don't fit in at large gatherings of people, and most times I would prefer to stay home, watch Netflix and Tweet random shit to strangers on the internet.
Honesty.
Honestly,
N~
You can't be the voice of a generation if you keep saying dumb shit!
Ok, I've let this stew for a few days now and I think it's time to say something...
I DO NOT NOW, NOR HAVE I EVER LIKED LENA DUNHAM OR AMY SCHUMER.
I mean, sure, I watched one season of Girls, but I was so damn bored with every single character and storyline. And I didn't find much of the writing/acting/subject matter that compelling. It could be that I am a middle-aged woman, married with children, with relative stability in my life, who is so past all of the drama of being a "girl", or it could be the fact that I am simply not the target audience for this show. Either way, the whole "Girls" phenomenon was terribly "meh" for me.
Add to this all the weird and effed up things Lena has said, and keeps on saying, and this chick's sense of entitlement and delusions of grandeur go way beyond that of any of her whiny Girls characters. Perhaps the media should have held off on dubbing her the "voice of this generation's feminism". Or perhaps the media just conveniently forgot to put the word "WHITE" in that phrase. 'Cause all this feminist icon shit seems to have made her think she can say WHATEVER pops into her head without consequence, and centre herself in all things.
Now, now, I know, ALL our faves are problematic in some way or another, and we must acknowledge this and make choices. We also need to learn how to do so in a way that allows us to celebrate these folks and their accomplishments, while also holding them accountable for the things they say or do that make them problematic. A task that is sometimes much easier said than done. (cough... Nate Parker.)
The thing with Lena (and don't worry, I'll get to Amy in a minute) that concerns me - or pisses me off - the most, is she doesn't seem to want to learn. Or if she does eventually learn a thing or two after her missteps, these lessons come at the expense of, or via the unacknowledged work of others (mainly Women of Colour) continuing to offer her these opportunities for learning. FOR FREE!!
Lena honey, enough! Your self-importance is showing and it's not foolin' anyone.
Now, about Amy Schumer...
Is she funny? Sure. But I've seen and heard funnier.
Does she try to get people thinking about casual sexism and rape culture in her comedy? Yup, but personally, I don't believe a rape joke or a racist joke is any funnier coming from a (white) woman - even one trying to make a point.
Did I love "The Last Fuckable Day" Skit from her HBO show? Yes, yes I did. That was a smart and funny critique of the shitty Hollywood standards that are so vastly different for women vs. men.
What I find most annoying about Amy Schumer is her insistence on portraying herself as a "real" woman. You know, "160 pounds and can catch a dick anytime she wants". She plays up this frumpy, sexually adventurous, doesn't give a fuck, big girl act when it suits her and her comedy bits. BUT, the minute she is grouped with women who are considered plus size (and who are actually funny), we see the real Amy come out. Tall, blonde, and with a white-girl-ego fragile as fuck.
Look, I know we all would like to have heroes and icons and leaders and "voices of our generation" for whatever "wave" of feminism we are in, but as I see it, neither of these women are IT. And frankly, it is too much to expect one person to be a voice of a generation or a movement. One person can not embody all the intersections of feminism at once. It is literally impossible.
Feminism doesn't need a national or international spokesperson. We don't need a mascot, or a white coat gladiator (although, I would make an exception for Olivia Pope if she was real). Feminism needs every one of us doing our best to address inequality in our own worlds, be they big or small. It's teaching these concepts at home with our kids and modelling them in our communities. It's reading and educating ourselves on diversity and intersectionality, and understanding our own innate biases, and how we can overcome these and do better.
It's listening when we are called out by our sisters, and acknowledging the work of others to help us get on the right path. AND then staying on that path!
And that's the thing that really pisses me off about both Lena and Amy. They keep messing up over and over and over again. Now, I am by no means perfect, and I mess up, A LOT; but I try not to make the same mistake more than two times - AT THE MOST. These two are rich, privileged, white women with huge platforms and audiences, and they keep fucking up, then sending up lame-ass apologies to appease mainly the media (and never those they hurt with their statements), and when the hoopla dies down, they DO IT AGAIN.
It's like they are doing it on purpose....
Whatever.
I am so done. With both of them.
I have - WE ALL HAVE - a shitload of work to do feminist-ing all the things around here, and I am done talking about these two.
B-Bye Girls.
OK, fine. Seven can be our mascot.
N~
Musical Decades
I am sure this would make a fun Facebook pass-around game/meme, but I decided to do it here instead.
Also, I got the idea from this book that's been sitting on my shelf for a few years. I knew it would eventually come in handy!
Here it is...
Each decade of my life represented by a pop song, artist or album.
Decade One, 1972-1982:
ABBA Greatest Hits Vol. 2
My mom had (technically, still has) this humongous record player and I am 98% sure that ABBA's 1979 compilation album was the first record I ever heard. By the age of eight, I could sing every single song on that album. And yes, Dancing Queen was, and still is my favourite track.
Decade Two, 1982-1992:
Michael Jackson, Thriller
There had to be two here, I mean, really we are talking from age 10 to 20, and that's a LONG time in one's life. This first one is kind of a DUH! I mean, seriously, what child of the eighties did not have this album, did not know MJ's Thriller dance off by heart (or in my case, also the Beat It dance, and the Billie Jean dance), and did not know how to moon-walk? To this day, I will break out in a few iconic MJ moves whenever anything from Thriller comes on, and I am proud to say that my kids excitedly "name that tune", whenever they hear a Michael Jackson song.
followed very closely by
u2, the joshua tree
My BFF in high school introduced me to U2 in 1985 and this started a long-lived love affair with the band, and a GINORMOUS CRUSH on Larry Mullen Jr. for most of my teenage and young adult life. The Joshua Tree is still my favourite U2 Album of all time.
*****
Decade Three, 1992-2002:
No Doubt, Tragic Kingdom
I know, I know... so cliché, right? These were my GRRRL Power years, without me having discovered the Riot Grrl scene at all. I don't think I knew it at the time, but Just a Girl might have been the song that first stirred the wee feminist in me. Alanis Morrissette's You Outta Know was particularly poignant at the time as well. I think I heard it right after a rather nasty break up. Also, I smoked a fair amount of pot and sniffed a lot of poppers in the nineties and may have been really into Moby and rave music at one point.
*****
Decade Four, 2002-2012:
Snow Patrol, Chasing Cars
I fully and completely blame Shonda Rhimes and Grey's Anatomy for me simultaneously loving and hating this song. DAMN IT WHY DID DENNY HAVE TO DIE!??!! OMG! and Christina and Burke...
Oh my heart :(
That's all I have to say about that. I am too emotional now.
*****
Decade Five, 2012 - Present...
I can say Beyoncé's Lemonade right? Cause I am pretty sure nothing is going to live up to how amazing this whole visual album is for a VERY LONG time.
#wecometoslay
*****
Ok, that was fun, now it's your turn. Share this wherever you want and let me know what your album/songs per decade are and what they say about you.
N~
Measure twice, cut once.
How does one measure a life?
The job you have? The car(s) you drive? The school you went to? The followers you have on Instagram? How much you have in your bank account? Your refrigerator? Your closet?
Is it the house you live in?
I don't really know the answer to this question.
I thought I did. I thought that fulfilling a dream, checking off those shimmery boxes on the glitter page of life, meant I had arrived. And then the universe showed me how wrong I was.
A life.
A life is not meant to be measured.
It is meant to be cherished, loved, lived, felt, touched, tasted.... EXPERIENCED.
It is not meant to languish in places that keep you stagnant. It is not meant to be owned. It is not meant to be weighed down by the sheer magnitude of THINGS.
We've felt this weight in our house the last few years. Encumbered by all the things that don't show up in the dream part of building a "Dream Home". The cost of some dreams, both financial and emotional, can sometimes be just too much. We envisioned this house as our "forever home". That was before our forever was interrupted. Before we could truly appreciate what "forever" means.
In February of this year, while looking at the magical mountains of Kauai, out the window of a tiny condo, 5200 kilometres from our home, over the phone with our real estate agent, we bought a new house.
(No, not in Kauai! Although that dream is still very much alive!)
We bought a 1200 square foot, 60 year old bungalow, close to our neighbourhood park and the kid's school. It was perfect and I knew it even before we Face-timed a showing with our agent.
We took possession in April.
We called our contractor in May.
We got the permits approved in July.
And excavation for the renovation/addition starts this week.
We've realized a few things this fourth time around. (Yes, you read that right.)
- Size doesn't matter. Thoughtful design does.
- More (square footage/lawn/length of a kitchen island) doesn't mean better. **This concept applies to many things in life and we are all trying to embrace it.**
- We like to design and build houses.
- HOUZZ is my best friend. Sorry to all other besties - you will get me back in 10 months or so.
I am not going to say that this house is IT. That this one will be our forever home. I can't. I don't know what the universe will offer up next, and I am accepting the notion that home is not the four walls around me. It is the four souls that I share space with in this world (yes, Willow counts).
As far as I am concerned, the biggest lesson I have learned in the past two years is:
Life can not be measured by WHAT you have. If it has to be measured at all, it must be by HOW you live.
And so here we are, changing the way we live.
To reflect the kind of life we want.
XO,
N~
i have a cold
IT SUCKS.
I NEED SOMEONE TO COME AND RUB MY BACK WITH VICKS VAPORUB AND THEN GENTLY BRUSH MY HAIR.
I don't know why I had to type that in SHOUTYCAPS.
I have taken a lot of cold and flu medicine today. My brain is as foggy as Thursday morning was here in the valley.
But, I made a promise (mostly to myself), and so here I am.
Here are some pictures from today, because when your brain feels like it's pushing down on your eyes through your sinuses, it's important to keep up your Instagram appearance.
OK, just kidding, that's not important at all. Right?
Today I only did four things.
I cuddled and napped with Nine.
I also cuddled with #daisythedog, our ridiculously cute house guest.
Then I made my very first loaf of bread EVER (in our new, fancy, bought with all those expiring Airmiles, bread machine) and it looks amazing and will be some VERY YUMMY french toast tomorrow morning.
I tried to keep my eyes open during family movie night and mostly succeeded.
That is enough for today. I HAD planned on writing all about our new house., but I guess you will just have to wait until tomorrow for more on this.
I think the Tylenol Cold Night-time medication I just took is starting to kick in.
Eyes won't stay open....
goodni........