Green is good.
Breakfast. I am not good at it.
I am very good at making it for other people and making sure they eat. I mean, I make a seriously delicious blueberry pancake, my omelettes are killer and I can pour a sweet bowl of cereal.
For anyone but myself.
My breakfast is usually coffee. And maybe some greek yogurt.
I started working with a new trainer at the gym last week and we discussed my goals and what I want to accomplish over the next six months. In an attempt to get me to break old, and perhaps make some new, habits, she challenged me to eat a proper breakfast all week long.
I decided a smoothie would be what I could stomach and was an easy and fast solution to my breakfast aversion.
Now, don't laugh, but yes, I am about to share a smoothie recipe here.
I don't do recipes, so forgive me if I don't give proper measurements, just use your judgement and stuff whatever fits into your Magic Bullet or whatever you are using to blend up everything.
1/4 cup-ish of pineapple chunks
1/4 cup-ish of orange pieces
1/2 cup or so of milk (I use almond)
1 tablespoon of Hemp Seeds
1 scoop of protein powder of your choice
One giant hand full of spinach - really, put in a whole bunch (especially if you are a bit iron-deficient like I am at the moment.)
If you want it a bit more hearty, add in 1/2 of a banana.
Mix it all up, pour into your favourite mug and drink up.
Cause it's good for you!
Wonderful Reclaim spinach from our weekly SPUD order.
Oh, and I am happy to report that I did in fact eat breakfast every day this week!
N~
An open letter to Arlene Dickinson about Feminism.
Dear Arlene,
You won't remember this, but we met once. It was a brief meet and greet, after you gave a great presentation in Bon Accord, Alberta, of all places. I told you how much I looked up to you and appreciated your amazing ability to turn your story and your story-telling into a multi-million dollar marketing company. You thanked me, shook my hand and then off you went with your entourage.
I've been a fan of yours for years and that moment was a total fan-girl one for me. I loved watching you on Dragon's Den and always thought you made the best decisions. You are wicked smart, incredibly well-spoken, and when you had to be, you were brutally honest with the entrepreneurs pitching you. You were what I aspired to be at one point in my life.
Today though, I am disappointed. And I suppose I shouldn't be, putting people on pedestals never really goes well for anyone involved, and I have to admit that I had you up on one and kind of thought you could do no wrong.
Last night you posted a status on Facebook that immediately set the hairs on my arms to "full bristle". And it's no secret why. I am a Feminist. My blog is called The Stay at Home Feminist. My feminism colours all that I do in my life, both online and off, and even though my husband and closest friends warned me to not publicly declare myself a feminist on the big bad internet, I ignored them and I do it LOUDLY and PROUDLY every damn day.
Because I believe in feminism. I believe that we live in a world that needs to see and hear how women (and by association children) are treated in all parts of our world as second class citizens, as objects, as people who have no agency over their most basic of human rights. You may think that I am exaggerating, but I assure you I am not, just turn on your nightly news and you'll see.
You said in your post,
“I confess that the word Feminism has taken on a different connotation for me. It has a meaning I personally no longer truly understand. I find myself wanting to distance myself from this word that doesn’t represent the way I feel about inequality in general. Forgive me but I simply don’t relate to the war that’s being waged. The fight that I have in me isn’t about baring my chest, or acting in a way where I make men submissive to me in some imaginary power struggle.”
Can I tell you something Arlene, just between you and me? I get it. I get tired of all of it too. I see the fighting online and women calling each other out and everyone telling everyone else that they are doing feminism wrong. Beyoncé dancing on stage in a revealing outfit in front of the word feminism was VERY confusing for some people. Women {and men} walking annually in rallies across Canada called SlutWalk, doesn't jive with certain folks. Women of Colour calling out White Feminists for their lack of intersectionality can sometimes seem counter productive, when in an ideal world we all want the same things. It's OK if you don't get it. Here is the thing Arlene, you don't have to understand everyone's feminism. I know I don't. But here is what I do know; when I don't personally understand something or feel like I just can't relate to it in any way, I DO NOT OUTRIGHTLY DISMISS IT AND TRY TO NAME IT SOMETHING ELSE. (Sorry, I won't shout again, I promise.)
You also said in your Facebook update that,
“The fight that I can be passionate about, however, is standing against inequality for any human. Why is THAT word – equality - not what we as women choose to stand in solidarity for? If we won the war on inequality then all humans would be treated fairly. Why focus only on women and not those of any human not being treated equally? Since when did women only stand for women? Why must it be just she for she?
I know this is not going to be a popular post. I profoundly recognize that without fighting for equality in this world we wont get it. And I want to continue to fight. I want to fight for equal pay for all people in the same roles. For equal rights for all humans. For equality that knows no colour, race, religion or gender. I am tired of bra burning to make a point. I love being a woman. And, as a woman, I love mankind. There are men treated unfairly, there are children treated horribly. I have a growing lack of concern for the human condition in general.”
Real question Arlene: what do you think feminists are fighting for, if not equality? And what makes you think that we are not standing in solidarity for that? This is where you lost me. Do you know why inequality exists? Because women and children have always been considered second class citizens of the world and women of colour even more so. You are talking as if the holders of the power in our world are just going to sit down at a table and say, "yes, of course you should have your equal share of the pie", but you fail to recognize that this means that they will then have to take some pie off of their own plates to do this. They will have to GIVE UP some of their power to make things equal and I think you and I both know that this is never going to happen. Not without a fight.
And we have to gear up more for this fight, not less. We have to dig in our {high} heels and like Roxane Gay said in her TED talk from earlier this year, "BOLDY claim your feminism". And for a lot of us, perhaps those of a certain vintage, we have a lot to navigate on this journey to turn in our claim tag. In her book Yes, Please, Amy Poehler says, "It takes years as a woman to unlearn what you have been taught to be sorry for. It takes years to find your voice and seize your real estate."
Arlene, I think that maybe this is what is happening right now. Women are seizing their real estate, and they are doing a lot of it online and in public spaces. I think that women who have traditionally stayed quite about a lot of inequality are starting to find their voices and USE THEM. Women, especially women of colour and those in the LGBTQ communities who have never had platforms to express themselves are doing so more and more, and yes, it's making it messy and confusing and very uncomfortable for a lot of people. People that I would hazard to say, are coming from places of relative social, racial and economical privilege. Revolution is never pretty, and I don't see why anyone would think that the work of feminism to bring about the kind of cultural revolution that would see women on equal footing as men, as FULL human beings, would be any different. In her 2013 TEDx talk, We should all be Feminists, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie said that she is angry. "That we should all be angry. Anger has a long history of bringing about positive change."
And I don't think that women are only standing for women. I have a son and a daughter. Yesterday my eight-year old son asked me what a feminist is. I told him it was someone who believes that all people are created equal and should be treated that way in all things. That includes him, and it includes us fighting the harmful gendered messages that boys receive as they grow up, just as much as we fight the ones that girls hear. These are messages that I know I am going to have to fight continuously through out their lives, because as sad as it is to admit it, we still live in a culture that socializes us to believe that being male is better, that our gender prescribes how we should be and not how we actually are. All you have to do is take a look at this recent ad from BIC Pens celebrating Women's Day is South Africa to see what I mean. Think like a man, you know, because thinking like a woman is not good enough.
As the CEO of a marketing agency, after seeing this, can you really say to me, and to women everywhere, that we don't need feminism?
Arlene, you don't need to ask for forgiveness because you don't relate to another person's feminism, but you do need to sit back and understand that just because you don't relate to something or someone, doesn't mean that their reality is any less valid than yours. In 1980, the Carribean-American civil rights activist and radical feminist, Audre Lorde, wrote a paper titled, Age, Race, Class and Sex: Women Redefining Difference. I highly recommend you read the full paper if you get the chance, because even though this paper was written 35 years ago, almost ALL OF IT rings true right now, on this day, in 2015. On the subject of equality, Lorde tells us that "our future survival is predicated upon our ability to relate within equality. As women, we must root out internalized patterns of oppression within ourselves if we are to move beyond the most superficial aspects of social change. Now we must recognize differences among women who are our equals, neither inferior nor superior, and devise ways to use each others' difference to enrich our visions and our joint struggles. The future of our earth may depend upon the ability of all women to identify and develop new definitions of power and new patterns of relating across difference."
Relating across differences. This is the basis of intersectionality and is maybe the crux of why you are feeling this lack of relatability to the current iterations of feminism in our world. I would like to invite you to not back away from feminism because of this, but rather, step into it more. Speak to young feminists, feminist women of colour and those in the LGBTQ communities and find out what it is like being a woman trying to make it in the world these days.
The last words in your post where the ones that truly sank my heart Arlene. You said,
“Is there any reason at all we can’t change the misunderstood word “feminism” to the empowering word “Equality”? Women, as 50 percent of the human race, need to do what we do best and stand to protect the rights of all.”
They sank my heart because when I read them, they had a familiar ring to them, one that sends chills down my spine whenever I hear it and because I know that while it may seem to come from a place of solidarity, it really does not. It comes from a place of privilege. Changing the word Feminism to Equality and protecting the rights of ALL, smacks me in the face with the same kind of willful, blind, bullshit that is #alllivesmatter. In a blog post on BlackMillenials, it is explained like this: "#AllLivesMatter is a cheap attempt to neutralize the fact that certain injustices and brutality are experienced by those with darkened skin. Please do not reshape the narrative in attempt to remain colorblind."
Yes, Arlene, ALL people should be treated equally and that is what we all want. For ourselves, for our children, for every woman, man and child on this planet of ours. But we can't get there if we don't do the work. And Feminism is the work. Getting messy and uncomfortable and out of our safety nets is the work. Changing the narrative or the words, this is NOT the work. Some of us do this work on a small scale, influencing our neighbours, our schools, our online communities, and some like you, have over 200K followers on your various social media profiles and your words have immense power (your post has been shared 437 times and has over 2700 likes). Especially to women, like myself, who look to you as a role model not just in business, but also in life.
Roxane Gay says it best and most succinctly in the last few lines of her book, Bad Feminist (another one I highly recommend you pick up),
"No matter what issues I have with feminism, I am a feminist. I cannot and will not deny the importance and absolute necessity of feminism.
Like most people, I'm full of contradictions,
but I also don't want to be treated like shit for being a woman.
I am a bad feminist.
I would rather be a bad feminist than no feminist at all."
Feminism doesn't have to be perfect Arlene, it just has to BE. And no, we can not change the name of it.
Sincerely,
Natasha Chiam
The Stay at Home Feminist
deep wisdom from deep voices
The Inquisitive Ones!
My kids have a lot of questions these days. And by questions, I mean the BIG ones. The hard ones. The "who is God?", and "what is divorce?" and "does sex feel good?" ones! And they only ask me these questions - never my husband. And yes, I know, I know, this is all my own fault. Mainly because I am the one that insisted on teaching them that a vulva is a vulva. Anatomy and words, two things I am a bit of a stickler about.
Anyways, I digress...
When I started doing the Parent Panel on Dinner TV last month, another question came up that I was unsure of how to answer. My kids asked me why my co-panelist, activist and transgender woman Marni Panas, has such a deep voice. I answered that everyone is different and that this is simply what her voice sounds like and left it at that.
But I wondered... Should I tell them more? Is this the time to discuss what transgender means? And how exactly does one explain that to kids who are almost ready for the FULL talk about the mechanics of how a baby is made and sex*, but maybe not quite?
So, with the risk of sticking my foot all the way into my mouth, I asked Marni about this. And in her incredibly eloquent, wise and gracious manner, she answered me in a beautiful email. She has given me permission to share parts of that email. I figure that if my kids are asking about these things, others might be too and there are some aspects of these kinds of conversations that Marni explains better than anyone else could and that I think we should ALL consider - grown-ups and kids alike.
“Dear Natasha,
Generally ... my feeling is that the easiest and most accurate way to describe it is that everyone is different. Some women have deeper voices than others. Some men have higher voices. People come in different shapes and sizes. This woman has a deeper voice. That’s usually all it takes for kids. ”
Phew, looks like I was on the right track!
Gendered differences have never been something that we've focused on with our kids. We don't think pink is a girl colour or that there are specific girl and boy clothes or toys, regardless of what many stores and manufacturers tell us. We talk about how no two people are ever completely alike, not in voice, height, body type or hair/skin colour and we never make fun of others because they are different than us. I strive to teach my children to love and accept that our differences make us interesting, and our world, and our world views, bigger and better.
“The question I also heard you ask in that is how does one explain being transgender? In the case of my voice, my being transgender is irrelevant. Actually, in almost all situations someone’s status as being transgender is no more relevant than someone’s status of being straight, red-headed or tall. And in all cases, it’s up to the transgender person to disclose their status if they choose to. It would never be ok to disclose that to someone else without permission. Then it becomes merely gossip, because there is often no relevance to the conversation. The other time it is relevant is when the child, especially, has a relationship with someone prior to transition. Then, clearly, a discussion needs to take place. ”
This was the part that was an AHA! moment for me. (And I blame that squarely on my fully acknowledged, hetero, cis-gendered privilege.) My need to explain what transgender means to my kids would effectively have me outing another person without their consent. To what end? There is literally no reason to do this. Like Marni said, until my children have some kind of relationship with a person prior to a transition, this kind of information about a specific person is not relevant to our family's ongoing conversations about gender, or sex, or anything else and is not mine to share.
And if/when that conversation does need to happen...
“That discussion for children at a younger age (and for most adults, to be honest) would NOT reference to me once being a boy, but is now a girl. I’ve always been a girl. People thought I was a boy when I was born, but later she (always refer to me in my past as she, not male pronouns) realized she was a girl. Sometimes I will explain that I was designated a boy at birth because I was born with a penis, but I’m actually a girl. That may lead into a more detailed and complicated discussion about the difference of sex and gender. Any further discussion of anyone’s genitals is off limits (e.g. if I still have a penis or not). It’s amazing what people will ask trans people. Ugh. That [information] is between me, my wife and my doctor.”
This is the crux of a lot of discussions about LGBTQ people that has always seemed weird to me. Everyone becomes so focused on what kind of sex people are having and with whom and "how it all works?". We don't ask our straight, cis-gendered friends about their sex lives, and I know I don't generally ask people about their genitals or what happens between them and another consenting adult. Just because someone is gay, or transgender, doesn't mean that this is some kind of free pass to ask ignorant and rude questions. EVER. And while, like I said at the beginning of this post, I am a fan of proper language for proper body parts, other people's body parts are NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
The more complicated discussion about sex and gender may yet happen with my kids. It would be naive of me to think that their lives will not be filled with people from all walks of life. Truth be told, I want their lives to be full like that. And I'll take the tough questions when they come. I'll embrace the fact that I've created open lines of communication between us so that they trust me enough to ask me ALL the BIG ones. Even when they choose to do so while we are at the Starbucks drive through window as I awkwardly thank the barista for my grande flat white, manage to stall them for a bit, and take the time to find an outside source for help with the answers I don't have.
I am also incredibly grateful for people like Marni in my life. People who are honest and giving, who live their lives truly and openly, and who show all of us the very meaning of loving one's self for who they really are.
Thank you for letting me share your wisdom and your words Marni - and the Happiest of Birthdays to you!!
N~
*In a related note, I finally found a copy of the book that was recommended to my by a few people, Marni included, that talks about the facts of life (SEX) "without any nonsense and with illustrations." I'll let you know how it goes after we all read it!
10 things about my legs
I hate my legs.
Not in the "Oh, I really wish I had some of that thigh gap everyone keeps talking about" kind of way, it's more of a "please don't hurt so much today so I can get shit done" thing.
Pain is exhausting and exhaustion is not something I can afford right now. Neither is self-pity. So, to counter at least one of these things, I have decided to make a list. A list of all the things that I actually love about my legs and all the things I have done in my life with these legs of mine - regardless of how messed up with RA they are, how much metal makes up my hip joints or how much my knees hurt right now.
Here they are, in no particular order...
1. I have climbed a mountain with these legs. Ok, so it was a small-ish mountain and I almost died on the way up because I was probably in the worst shape of my life at that time, but after all the tears, the bitching and moaning, and finally, the dude who RAN past me and told me the gondola was for the other 80%, I kept on going and I made it. TO THE TOP OF A FREAKING MOUNTAIN.
2. I've walked the narrow cobblestone streets of Zanzibar's Stone Town with these legs. I've stepped on the plains of the Serengeti and walked on the same grass as giraffes and zebras and elephants and lions. I've danced with women and children in a Massai village. I've stood at the Olduvai Gorge next to the earliest footprints of humans and left a few of my own. That is what I have done with these legs.
3. I danced for seven years with these legs. And every time I hit the stage, I felt like my legs where about to fall away to nothing under me. And yet they did not. They kept me up and moved me to new heights of expression and artistry.
4. I played soccer and basketball with these legs. I hustled, I ran, I jumped, I scored. I was a proud member of my high school's ball teams and I never gave up. Ever.
5. I walked from one class in the Tory Turtle to another in the Clinical Science Building on the University of Alberta Campus in under 10 minutes, every Tuesday and Thursday for a whole damn semester! (Only U of A Alumni will get this.)
6. My legs have carried three bodies. Mine, and those of my children. They have taken on the extra weight of pregnancy and parenthood, both literally and figuratively. They quivered uncontrollably at the births of both of my babies. They anchored me to the ground and to this world as I welcomed these children into it.
7. My legs have taken my beloved dog for at least one walk "around the block" almost every day for the past 10.5 years. That is over 7000 walks with my best friend.
8. My legs have bathed in the waters of three different oceans.
9. I have buried my legs in the sands of many beaches. Ones on Hawaii, in Mexico, in Tanzania, on Vancouver Island, Singapore and St. Lucia. I've walked these beaches hand in hand with the love of my life and our footprints following behind us.
10. My legs have been chairs, horses, trains, boats, and beds for small people's imaginations.
My legs....
They have 8-inch scars at the top of them to remind me that parts of them are metal-based and will need repair at some point. They have veins lining the backs of them, making it look like a drunk spider designed her web on me after a big bender. There are spots on my legs that weren't there a few years ago, remnants of a sun-worshipping, baby-oil slathering, misinformed youth. Sometimes they rub together when I walk and some days the inflammation in my knees makes it hard to tell where these joints actually begin - those are my maxi-anything wearing days.
These are my legs. Imperfections, scars, cellulite, giant melting freckles, wonky knees and all.
And while I could do without the pain, I do love my legs and I especially love all that they have done and all the places that they have taken me to in this life of mine.
N~
Sharing time.
Life is kind of throwing me a few curve balls at the moment. So to get myself out of my own head and out of this funk, I thought it was about that time again.
Time to let you in on all the cool and awesome, people, places and things that I am loving right now!
Here we go...
I get a lot of compliments on my eyebrows. Which is kind of hilarious, because you should have seen these thick hairy babies when I was in high school. Or in the early 00's when I went a little pluck crazy! I've since learned my lessons on proper brow maintenance and these are my three secrets to great looking eyebrows.
- Threading. NO MORE WAXING! I feel a bit like Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest when I write that, but I swear I will not beat you over the head with the hot wax popsicle stick. Threading is gentler on the sensitive skin around your eyes, you rarely get the bumpies afterwards like you do after waxing and is quite a bit cheaper than waxing (I have never paid more than $10.00)! If you are in #YEG, go see the talented women at Tres Xhic Salon in Terwilligar.
- Kevin Aucoin's Precision Brow pencil. Long-wearing, water-resistant, with a brush on one end and the retractable pencil on the other. This is one of my MUST HAVE products in my make-up drawer and it should be in yours too. In Edmonton, you can find it at LUX Beauty Boutique.
- I've been a big fan of Blinc's tubing mascara for a few years now, so when the ladies at LUX recommended I try the new Blinc Eyebrow Mousse, I listened. And I am so glad I did. This product goes on with a bit of colour (or you can get the clear one), helps keep all your eyebrow hairs in place for the whole day and doesn't smudge or wipe off, even in hot & sticky weather.
Now off with you all to the salon for some threading and brow products!
What woman is not constantly on the hunt for the perfect pair of underwear? Ones that don't ride up, leave panty lines, or are just a bit TOO much thong. The struggle is real people!
I have been a Hanky Panky Low-Rise wearer for a very long time, but recently have wanted something to cover up my tooshie a bit more (Seriously, this is what middle-aged does to a woman-SIGH). I crowd-sourced my peeps on FaceBook to see what they recommend and then I was off on the "Great Underwear Search of 2015". Or so I thought. One of my friends had recommended a new brand that is carried by my hyper local friendly clothing boutique (it is literally blocks from my house) and off I went to check them out. I bought a boyshorts style and one of the more high-tech activewear thong styles as well.
HANDS DOWN, these are the most comfy undies I have ever worn, and to be honest, it almost feels like I am not even wearing any. These fancy knickers are called Knixwear and they have a full range of undies that are seamless, moisture wicking, feel light as air and are perfect under all those summer dresses or skirts. I have to say that the Seamless Boyshorts are my faves. The thong is good too, but definitely not as seamless as I was looking for. I warn you, these are not cheap, and will put you back $26.00 a pair. So don't go crazy - just get one or two (in each neutral colour).
For reference, and because I have a rather round boot-ay - I am wearing the boyshort in a Size Medium.
Happy covered bum = happy me!
I love cafés. If someone were to ask me what my happy place is, I would tell them it is a quaint little neighbourhood cafe, with a perfect cappuccino in front of me and either a good book to read, or my laptop open to do some writing. I love watching all the different people that come and go from the café, sometimes I eavesdrop on conversations, sometimes I meet with friends, but more often then not, I love just sitting alone, having what I like to call my noisy-quiet-ME-time. I've been doing a bit of a café tour in my city lately and have stumbled upon two wonderful gems that I must share.
The first is Little Brick Cafe. It is a perfectly lovely cafe situated in the old refurbished 1903 house of one J.B. Little, the original owner of The Brickyard in Edmonton. I love everything about this place. The wonderful outdoor space and various tables scattered throughout the yard, the pallet gardens growing their own veggies and herbs, the General Store that sells everything from a bocce ball set, to locally made soaps, to handmade salted caramel marshmallows. Oh, and the coffee is FANTASTIC, as is the food. My go to dish is the Smashed Egg on Toast, but if you want to indulge a bit, then you must try their french toast. SO GOOD!
Little Brick is definitely a destination café stop, unless you are lucky enough to live in the Riverdale community and can simply walk over, but I promise you it is one you won't regret!
My second local café recommendation is one that has been opened by one of my favourite shops in town. The talented women who design, make, and own Salgado Fenwick have opened up Barking Buffalo Cafe right in their store! Yes, that is right people, they make their clothes AND coffee right in front of you. I've raved about their clothing line before and I'll do so again - BEST t-shirts and designs ever! And now you can shop, sip on a delicious ethically-sourced coffee, enjoy the seating-inside or out, and soak in all the locally made goodness all around you. Shopping and eating and drinking coffee on 124th Street just keeps getting better and better!
A good pair of summer pants can be hard to find. Especially if you are someone who doesn't like to/want to wear white, is not into anything linen (hello saggy bottom), and has that impossible waist to bum to hips ratio where every pair of pants need a belt, because you are one size for your bum/hips, but another for your waist.
Enter the perfect pants. I AM NOT KIDDING!
The Pilcro Hyphen Chinos from Anthropologie.
I am so in love with these pants. They come in a whole rainbow of colours-I went with the soft pink-which was as close as I was going to get to white, fit true to size AND come in Tall, Regular and Petite, and I DON'T NEED TO WEAR A BELT! I love pairing them with a white graphic tee or tank top and my gold trimmed gladiator sandals. I love these pants so much, that I braved trying on the shorts version of them (which are a much shorter short than I am usually comfortable wearing) and they too are perfect!
Moral of the story - you can go to Anthropologie and buy something without a bird, oddly placed stripe, or doilie on it. Wardrobe staples can be found too and they will fit YOU!
It's hard to take a good picture of pants that is not an awful bathroom selfie. So here you go, the perfect pants, right hand in my pocket and yes, that is a brand new pedicure!
That's it for this time around. Happy shopping and coffee drinking everyone!
N~
On dream homes, sacrifices and joy
Every now and then someone writes something somewhere on the internet that makes everyone go, HUH???
A few weeks ago it was a blogger names Sarah Scott.
She wrote an article for Elle Decor telling the world how she and her husband have sacrificed their very strong desire (she mentions her "aching uterus" at one point) for a third child in favour of having/keeping their dream house. I say dream HOUSE and not dream home, because I kind of think this woman has the two mixed up a bit.
Now, please understand that I am not here to judge another person's choices about where they live, how many kids they have and how they define happiness and living fully. I do however, have some thoughts about the kind of world we live in that makes us think that "having all the things" and living in a Pinterest-worthy "American Dream" is what is going to make us happiest in our lives.
My husband and I have built three homes together. Each one bigger and better then the last. Each one designed, decorated and built with as much hands on that our contractors would let us have and with the full intention (each time) of being our dream home. The first was a modest three bedroom, two story house in a new development and was a definite learning experience. After three years in the house, too many disputes with our builder, one dog, and one child later, we made the decision to move to a more mature neighbourhood and start fresh.
House number two was an infill build; a lovely Craftsman style bungalow situated on a beautiful tree lined street, in the neighbourhood we loved. Our contractor was amazing, our house was practically perfect in every way, and we moved in when my son was six months old and had spent at least one day a week of his entire life on a construction site. We had the best neighbours, lived a three minute walk from a playground and an elementary school and couldn't really ask for more.
Except at some point we could and we did. Another kid arrived on the scene and all the stuff that comes along with two children started to pile up and the space in our house seemed to shrink. The flaws in our original design became apparent (to us), and we found ourselves buying more and more home magazines, and spending a lot more time watching HGTV and browsing through the HOUZZ app looking at modern houses with big windows and even bigger everything else. We started to dream of yet another "dream home". We convinced ourselves that with the kids getting older and needing more space, that we would soon outgrow this house. We needed better planned out space, professionally-designed space, much, much, more SPACE.
And here we are in house number three. Still in the same neighbourhood we love (yes, another infill build), but now with a modern, 2500 square foot bungalow, on a 13,000 square foot lot. We wanted more space and we got more space. A LOT of it!
We do love our space. The house was designed so that all the rooms in it were thoughtfully designed and are used every day. When you walk into our home, every part of it oozes US. My husband and I sat down one night and sketched out the floor plan as it exists today. We hired our previous contractor to build it for us and it is everything we ever wanted in our ultimate dream home. And this one, THIS ONE FOR SURE was going to be our forever home. Our home with the big back yard and beautiful giant trees, the expansive driveway that the kids can play on, and the huge deck that we can use as our outdoor room. My dream kitchen with a 14-foot island that is the centre of everything and huge windows that span one whole side of the house. The house with another 2000 square feet of undeveloped basement area to be decided upon and designed when the kids are bigger and need even more of their own space.
Dream Home level unlocked. Living the good life. Fully.
Except...
A funny thing happens when Life decides to show you just how fleeting and fragile it can be. A lot of the things you had dreamt about and had previously thought were important and would somehow bring you joy and fulfillment, become just that - THINGS.
This past year has been one of healing, transition and re-prioritizing for my little family and in a lot of ways, we are still on this path. Spending time together, learning from each other, taking care of our bodies and our minds, truly listening and seeing each other, and enjoying the precious time we have together on this earth. These are the things that we want to do. There are also quite a few things we do not want to do, like spend all of our weekends and family time doing lawn work, weeding the giant flower/shrub beds, repeatedly shovelling what seems like a full city block of snow (in the winter), and constantly cleaning 2500 square feet of floors and 5 bathrooms. We don't want to have to limit our travelling and exploring because we have to think of how much our municipal taxes are increasing every year, and it is no fun being literally OWNED by our banking institution for a good part of our adult lives.
What we are starting to realize is that this house may not be our dream anymore and that more space, more things, and more house, doesn't necessarily translate to more joy in our lives. One of the most important lessons I have learned this past year is that my dreams, my happiness and that of the most important people in my life, are not attached to things. Home is not where you spend the most amount of money to get the biggest lot, the nicest countertops, coolest light fixtures and fanciest new stovetop. Home is not about the perfectly decorated playroom or the walk-in closet the size of a small bedroom. Home is not the things in your house, or even your house itself.
Home is the people in your life and the time you spend with them and the love that you have for each other. Home is wherever you are together, living joyfully.
This is what bugged me the most about Sarah Scott's post (and trust me, there are so very many things that were problematic about it and my friend Dresden covered them nicely in this letter to Sarah). Aside from the extremely privileged space that Sarah is writing from (and full disclosure, I am as well), the fact that she seems to be placing a higher value on the THINGS in her life, i.e., her dream home, over her and her husband's desire to expand their family, makes me feel very sad for her. Not in a judge-y way that I think I have any kind of say in how they live their lives, but in a way that in some ways I can identify with, because I have been there too.
I get where Ms. Scott was coming from, really I do. It is extremely easy to become attached to an idea that you have worked so very hard for, and I see this in Sarah's sentiments about her dream house. I also see her need for some kind of validation and acknowledgment of the sacrifices that they made to build their home and have their "American Dream". What I also see, is the growing resentment that she is feeling about her one huge sacrifice (I would call it a decision, but whatevs - poTAYto/poTAHto) of not having another child and I only hope that this resentment doesn't turn to regret and spill out into her family and her relationships.
The truth of the matter is that life happens, and all our carefully laid plans can be up-ended in an instant and staying attached to an idea or a dream that no longer fits into your life becomes limiting. The great thing about dreams is that ultimately, we are the ones in control of them, and they can change, grow, and evolve as we do, and this is not a bad thing.
Sometimes, the best thing to do might be to read a little book called "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up", take away the main concept of the whole KonMari process, focus on what #sparksjoy in our lives, and try to apply that simple concept to ALL the things - even our dreams.
Because when we are focused on what brings us joy in our lives, and not what brings resentment or regret, that is when our dreams are truly fulfilled.
And yes, (since I know you're probably wondering) my Houzz app is getting used a whole lot more once again, as we continue to re-evaluate how much space we really do need.
#allyouneedisless
N~
on dress codes and what I am really afraid of
This week I was on my second Parent Panel for a local television news hour show. It's a short 5 minute spot during the show, but it is fun, I get to hang out with some very cool people, and you know me and a microphone - we GO together!
The topic of the day was inspired by the recent event that happened in Guelph, Ontario, when an 8-year old girl was told she couldn't swim without a top on a a local wading pool. The show broadened the topic to include school dress codes and asked the panel - are girls and young women unfairly targeted on dress codes issues?
I have written about my thoughts on dress codes and the way society shames girls for having bodies HERE and HERE, and I reiterated a few of these points in the segment, which you can watch below.
Something our host Jason said during the panel has been stuck in my head since then and I wanted to expand on it a bit more. He mentioned that when it comes to his daughter he feels a stronger need to protect her from predators taking pictures of her and therefore thinks that he needs to be more conservative in the way he dresses her versus the way he dresses her brothers.
I agree with Jason. We all want to protect our children from the very bad, no good, awful people that do exist in our world. What parent wouldn't do everything within their power to protect their kids?
BUT...
What has been stuck in my head is this: How is telling girls and boys what they can and can not wear going to protect them from the perpetuation of the sexist "norms" that exist in our society and the consequences of these?
We're really starting them off early on the road of blaming and shaming and sexualization/objectivication when we start telling girls as young as five that wearing anything with spaghetti straps is inappropriate attire. That they have to cover up their bodies - for their own protection and/or for the comfort of everyone else around them.
Boys and girls learn from an incredibly young age that even though their bodies are 98% identical, for some reason (read prudish North American sensibilities) , girl nipples are different than boy nipples and must be covered up. Grown-ass adults complain about mothers breastfeeding because there are kids around who will - GASP!! - see a baby nursing from a human and possibly glimpse a bit of areola/nipple, and yet, giant-sized billboards of women in barely-there lacy bras and thong panties line the walls of our shopping malls and we have no issues walking our kids past or into those stores without blindfolds over their innocent little eyes! Men routinely strip their shirts off after a sweet game winning goal, but Brandi Chastain is FAMOUS not because of the goal she scored to win the 1999 Women's World Cup, but because she took her shirt off, while still wearing a sports bra, to celebrate that fact!
And here's a thought, if we don't want girls clothing to be overtly sexy, maybe as consumers we should do something about that and stop buying from stores that make skinny jeans for babies and t-shirts that tell girls that their biggest ambition in life should be to marry a super hero. Maybe we can stand up to the giant corporations who continue to exploit children as labourers in third world countries and make the short shorts and padded bikini tops for four-year-olds and tell them ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
So, no, I am not so much worried about protecting my 6-year-old child from the very low (statistically speaking) probability that a bad man is taking pictures of her at the splash park, as I am from the CONSTANT barrage of mixed messages she gets on a daily basis about how her skin and her body are to be covered up because {sexist} REASONS, and yet, "Oh, look at these cute pink cut off short shorts and this "Future Mrs. Batman" t-shirt. Size 3T."
Because in the end, do you know what's more likely to happen (and does happen far too often with today's youth)? If we continue to do nothing about these double standards and the perpetuation of this sexist culture and blaming/shaming of girls for having bodies, they won't need protection from the big bad predators out there, they are going to need it from "that really sweet guy from class" who has also been the recipient of the same mixed messages that she has about whose fault it is that HE can't control himself and he read the situation wrong because she was wearing something with GODDAMN SPAGHETTI STRAPS!
We need to do better people. For our girls and our boys. And this type of protection and education is well within our power as parents.
n~
P.S. Catch me on Tuesday's on Dinner TV at 6:15 MST for more Parenting Panel topics and discussions. (At least until they take the mic away from me!)
P.P.S. To hear more about "That really sweet guy from class" and a powerful spoken word performance about consent, check out this video!
Bad Feminists unite!
I am in love with Roxane Gay.
I have been reading her book Bad Feminist and it is fan-freaking-tastic. She is one of the handful of writers I want to be like/write like when I grow up.
And her TEDWomen 2015 talk just made me cry and then clap like I was in that audience listening to her (while I am in fact, alone in my office, with my kids watching more "Almost Naked Animals" in the other room.)
Watch it. Roxane's talk, not the weird naked animals cartoon.
And then watch it again, because it is that good and you are going to want to absorb all of her words into your brains! (You can also read the transcript on the TED site if that's more your style.)
I love you Roxane.
Thank you.
N~
P.S. Oh, and speaking of style, this bad feminist just got herself a bad-ass haircut this week! And I am learning to embrace those well-earned laugh lines around my eyes and the fact that my freckles are melting together.
