The baby deer made me do it.
I realized this past weekend that I am falling back into a familiar pattern.
One that threatens to remove me from life outside of my own mind. From people, from friends and family, and from engaging in anything more than a quick status update or Instagram photo.
Lately, I've been cocooning.
And not in a good caterpillar-turning-into-a-butterfly way, more like a "this seems like a nice warm place to stay and not have to deal with anything" kind of way.
The problem with this, is that we as a family kind of have a lot to deal with at the moment, and me being in a state of trying to hide away from it all is not that helpful.
So, to combat the forces in my brain that tell me to hide away from it all, I am forcing myself to do certain things that bring me joy, even if the effort of doing them right now seems particularly joyless and a hell of a lot of work.
I am currently in a Starbucks, drinking a fancy coffee, and writing this post. I just bought new frames at the attached Chapter's to make a gallery of inspirational artwork on the wall in front of my desk. This morning, I cleared the clutter filled surface that was in fact my desk, in order to make way for my creativity and my desire to write (which has been completely GONE) to find it's way back to me.
It has taken me nearly 45 minutes to write these few paragraphs, but you know what? Here they are. They may not be pretty, they may seem disjointed and all over the place with some weird ass metaphors, and they may not be good writing at all. I mean, it is taking all I have in me not to just trash this whole damn thing and say FUCK IT! (Like I have for the last three posts that are sitting half started in my drafts folder).
But I won't. I am not going to succumb to this self-inflicted Giant Scary Spider scene from Lord of the Rings, and let myself become paralyzed by fear and wrapped up in layers of sticky web. I may not have Sam and his shiny elf-light thingy, but I do have all of you, and I have three people at home who light up my life and June is almost over and I AM going to get out of this funk.
It is now almost 10 pm. I got through today and my kids still love me, even though C came home with a story he had written at school about me being mad at him. I made a menu plan for this week, and managed to whip up a pretty decent paella for dinner. I know it sounds silly, but doing that one thing - making a meal plan for the week - makes a huge difference to my mental health and general having most of it together-ness. Want to know how I know this? Because I didn't make one last week, and I was a shouty, angry, miserable person all week with no desire to actually feed the beasties that I live with (don't worry, I did and no one starved).
I just finished putting up the aforementioned gallery wall in my office and now I am feeling OK. And today, OK is better than not-OK. Plus, it's kind of hard to not feel at least a tiny bit of wonder and delight when this little baby deer is staring at me while I write. I've surrounded myself with images, words, and my kid's artwork to remind me of why I do what I do and why I love it.
My soul is happy right now, my mind is calm and my body is not in too much pain (more on that later).
Tonight, I'll take that.
N~
Can you see what I see?
I see teenage girls taking a stand for themselves, their bodies and fighting back against a society that tries to police and shame them for having bodies at all.
You see a blatant disregard for the rules of proper conduct and disrespect for the hidden curriculum of our educational institutions that teaches our kids about the expectations of society and how they should behave as a civilized member of said society.
I see students pushing back because they understand that dress codes are often disproportionately enforced for female versus male students and perpetuate the thoughts that women's bodies as inherently sexual and objectified distractions to male students. I see a system that seems to have one set of rules for boys and another for girls and I worry about what kind of "hidden curriculum" of casual and systemic sexism this kind of culture creates and how this seeps into the minds of our children over the years.
You see this fight as an insult to the many people who are fighting for gender equality and "real" women's issues across the globe.
I see young girls taking up the mantle of feminism at this very moment in their lives. I see them looking at the world with different eyes now and perhaps becoming the future leaders in our continued fight for equality in all things.
You see an image of a mother breastfeeding her six-year old and think that there is something so very, very wrong with it and that this practice is scarring the child forever and doesn't actually have any health "benefits".
I see a mother-child dyad that is incredibly bonded and that will come to the natural end of their nursing partnership when both are ready.
You see a kid who can go to the fridge and get her own cup of milk and wonder what is the point of the continued breastfeeding.
I see that breastfeeding a child is about far more than being a food source. It is about warmth, and love, and closeness, and comfort, and help to fall asleep, and is not about any so called "benefits", it is simply the way mammals feed and nurture their young.
You see a mother flaunting her "extreme" parenting style all over the internet and on magazine covers, and say that she is making THIS not just about her and her choices, but inviting everyone to comment about it.
I see a breastfeeding advocate who knows that "one can not be what one does not see" and is showing the world the simple, normal, healthy, and loving way that she has nursed her child.
I see that western cultures have very disheartening breastfeeding rates and by sharing photos of mothers nursing their children (at any age) and showing these practices more in the mainstream, more women will witness it and know that there is no shame in nursing (in public or not).
NURSING, because she fell off her bike
You see a new government in our province that has a cabinet of ministers with parity of gender and a specific portfolio for one who is now the Minister Responsible for the Status of Women and ask where the ministry for the status of men is?
I see a government who is embracing the fact that women make up 50% of the population in this province, who is taking a serious look as to why the two largest cities in Alberta ranked lowest on a study of 20 cities in Canada as the worst for women, and is committed to making it a priority to see changes to these issues that can only benefit our whole province and our economy.
You spout off reasons that the gender pay gap is a myth, that women are CHOOSING lower paying jobs and CHOOSING to stay home to care for children, and that you want equality for men too.
I see someone who doesn't want to step into my (or any woman's) shoes for a moment and actually see things from the perspective and the reality of these choices (hint: they are not actually choices for many). I see someone who is hurting and likely needed support at some point in his life, but didn't feel he could ask for it, because he lives in a culture that has taught him that vulnerability is weakness and that his only choice is to "man up".
You see feminists as your enemies.
I see a person who doesn't understand that there are no enemies here and that deep down, we ALL truly want the same things. To be treated with kindness, compassion and respect as human beings.
N~
Love > power
I'm having a week where I am contemplating a lot of abstract feminist thoughts and I thought I had better write them down to better understand what it is exactly that I am trying to figure out.
Earlier this week I read the New York Times opinion piece, 'Poor Little Rich Woman'. It's an social researcher's observations of the ultra rich housewives from the Upper East Side of Manhattan and well, you can go read it for yourself, or kind of guess what it's all about (think Nanny Diaries or Jane Krakowski's character in Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt).
But the article and the author's commentary on the lives of these women, however observational (and also maybe just a tad judgmental), where not what really got me into this contemplative mood. It was a comment I read on Facebook that has stuck in my brain. It read, "This is not disempowerment of women, this is abdication."
This made me start to examine the words we use when discussing feminism and our efforts towards full equality. It made me think that in our aim to constantly EMPOWER woman, are we not also saying that they are in fact weak? To empower someone literally means TO GIVE THEM POWER. If we are looking at the world from a perspective of power and who holds it, then, let's be honest, do we really think that true equality is ever going to happen within the social, political and economic structures as they exist today?
This is the situation as I see it; especially when it comes to most of the anti-feminist rhetoric one reads and any and all arguments about women actually having agency in their own lives. Women ARE gaining personal, professional and political power in our world. This power though, is often perceived as a finite resource, and therefore any gains that women are making, is seen as power being taken away from men. And this is just not cool for the current power-holders.
I am also not completely convinced that I need to feel empowered as a woman. The thesaurus says that synonyms for empower are "to LET, ALLOW and PERMIT". And I am sorry, but no one needs to PERMIT or ALLOW me to be a full, equal and valued member of society. As a feminist, I believe that ALL PERSONS have this right just by being born. It's not about empowering or allowing someone to have these rights, it's about making sure that everyone knows this as the truth and feels it from the day they come into this world.
Also, do you know what is DISempowering? Governments that resort to the lowest of lows to limit power to women by regulating our reproductive systems. Workplaces and schools that continue to function as they did in the 1950s when a parent (mother) at home full-time was the norm and not the exception. Childcare costs that are so hefty, that they alone can eat up half of a person's annual income and make it seem like having children is in fact a burden on society.
The aggressions, both micro and macro, that women experience daily are all there for one purpose - to keep the power right where it has always been. In the hands of the patriarchy.
#nosharesies
My Webster's dictionary and I are getting all cozy up in here today.
Abdication (noun): to formally give up a position.
As a stay-at-home-parent, is this what I have done? Is this what women who "opt-out" of careers and professional lives to care for children and households do? And if so, is it such a terrible thing?
In 1936, Kind Edward VIII abdicated the Throne of England so that he could marry Wallis Simpson. This man gave up his birthright and the ruling of the Commonwealth of Britain to marry the love of his life. At the time, this was considered a "crisis", that Wallis was a twice-divorced floozy, and just after the king for his literal crown jewels. And yet, he gave up his crown, they married, and remained so until he died 35 years later.
My question is this: Is it wrong to want LOVE more than one wants power?
I say NO.
Power doesn't crawl into your bed in the early hours of the morning and fit perfectly in the warm space between your arms and your chest.
Power doesn't ask you to still do "The moon is round" rhyme every night before he closes his eyes, even though he is almost 9-years old.
Power doesn't take a three-hour car ride with you in complete silence, not because you don't have anything to talk about, but because you are so comfortable with each other that you don't have to talk about anything.
Yes, I abdicated my position as a 9-5 career woman. I gave up the jewels (perks) that came with my job. I chose to renounce the paycheque, the benefits and the possibility of bigger and better things and the power that came with them. I was also in a very privileged position to do so and am so very grateful for that.
And yes, I would do it all over again if I was given the chance and/or the choice. (As I suspect King Edward would have too!)
I feel like that random Facebook commenter was using the word abdication and meaning it in a derogatory sense. As a form of "crisis" for the feminist movement.
To this person I would say this - Nothing in my life; no high powered career, no promise of a corner office, no amount of money offered, has made me more of a feminist, and has "EMPOWERED" me more, than mothering has.
After yoga one morning last week (because, yes, I am one of THOSE moms who goes to yoga after I drop off my kids at school), one of the moms was telling a story about how her daughter had asked her if there is a course at university to learn how to be a stay-at-home mom. She proceeded to tell us that she told her kid in no uncertain terms that NO, there most certainly is not and that she is to have a career FIRST!
I wasn't about to get into a big feminist discussion in the parking lot or stick around for the MRS. degree talk that was starting to happen, but I did wonder... How would her daughter, how would MY own kids for that matter, know this? We are our children's first role models and if you are a stay-at-home parent and have been since your kids where born, that part of the equation (the career FIRST part) is not something they have been exposed to.
And also, have we been so conditioned by our society, that this is what must FIRST define a woman's worth? Her career. And then, once she has established that value, THEN she can opt (out) to become a mother and perhaps, if she can, choose to stay at home with her children.
My kids have never witnessed me with a 9-5 job. They have never been in full-time day care. They don't take the school bus or have to be in before- or after-school care. We've had discussions about what Mommy's job is versus what Daddy's job is and how both are very important in order to help our family function and thrive. Sometimes it hurts to hear them say that I don't have a "real" job, but I can't deny that this is the truth in the literal sense of the word.
Because of the choices that we have made, and that we are privileged to make for our family, I feel that as a woman, a feminist, and a mother, it is my responsibility to show my children how to be the best at all three of those things. So that my daughter finds her own footing in this world as a strong, confident woman and so that my son respects and admires this in the women in his life and looks for these traits in his future partner(s).
It also means exposing and introducing them to people from all different walks of life. Moms who work, dads who stay home, same-sex couples, single-parent families, couples with no kids, and everyone in between. That means not shying away from the tough conversations that come up when they ask questions, be they about race, sex, work, religion and privilege. This also means being the ones to bring up these topics when they DON'T ask about them and making sure they are getting their information from a reliable, albeit often-fumbling-through-it-all-as-best-we-can, source.
In the end, do I want my daughter to get an education and have a career before she has children? Do I also want the same for my son? I don't really know. We believe this is the best thing for our kids, because it's what we've been taught to believe and what our parents where taught to believe as well. I'd like to think that I am teaching my children that what THEY want in their lives is what is most important and I can only hope that I am giving them the tools to know themselves well enough to figure this all out and make the best choices for themselves.
I want them to know that sticking with the status quo, just because that's the way it has always been, doesn't have to be their way. I want them to know that their value as human beings is not tied to a paycheque or a lofty title or a high-powered career. I want them to know that choosing and being guided by love is never a bad thing. I also want them to know that working hard and doing their best at whatever they decide to do, is to be done not simply to make their parents proud, but to make them proud of themselves and the good things that they are doing for others.
Apparently, this one wants to make everyone dance! Dance!
This feminist parenting stuff is not always easy and sometimes, my brain gets overloaded with all the thoughts that I have, all the articles that I read and all the news that I consume. I know that to some people, it may be tiring to hear me "make a point" about EVERYTHING all the time, and that not everything has to be about some kind of feminist agenda.
I am not sure I can agree with this. Nothing will ever change if we just keep doing what we've always done. If we don't stop and think about the way we talk, and the way we act, we'll never see the kind of change we want not only in ourselves, but in those around us as well.
And so I'll keep contemplating, keep writing down my thoughts and keep on making my points. Until such time that the world we live in looks a lot more like the one I envision in my head.
N~
driving at night in the fog
I will never forget this one particular day, many years ago, covering the FAR NORTH rural route of my pharma sales territory. I was driving from Grande Prairie, Alberta to Fort St. John, B.C. and stopping at all the small towns, doctors offices and pharmacies in between. I don't think it was winter at the time, but I can't remember if it was not quite spring or not quite fall either. What I do remember, is that by the time I had reached the bridge crossing over the Peace River right before the town of Taylor, B.C., it was dark outside, I was driving in the thickest fog I had ever seen in my entire life, I could only see about 5 feet in front of my car and I had no idea if any other vehicles where even on the road with me.
And I was TERRIFIED of going onto that bridge and actually making it over and onto the other side.
I couldn't risk stopping to get my bearings, psych myself up and perhaps offer up a few prayers to the universe and every god I could think of. I had no idea there were other cars or logging trucks behind me and if they would be able to see me if I stopped and so I just had to keep going. I slowed down to maybe 10-15 km an hour, kept the steering wheel as steady as I could, and my eyes on that five feet in front on me. It was very slow going, but I did not drive off the side of the bridge, and did eventually make it to the other side. And the ball of fear that filled me from the back of my throat to the pit of my stomach did not subside until I was safely in the comfort of my Quality Inn hotel bed in Fort St. John later that night.
And apparently, according to E.L. Doctorow, writing is EXACTLY like that night. "You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way."
Last week while I was at the Mom 2.0 Summit in Scottsdale, Arizona, I had the incredible honour of sitting front and centre in an intimate session with @The Bloggess, Jenny Lawson. She read us the first chapter of her new book, Furiously Happy and it was incredible! And for Jenny, because of the content and context of this book and what she was revealing to all of us, most of it out loud for the first time, it was also very likely an incredibly terrifying experience for her.
Her honesty, her willingness to just be so ridiculously and sometimes painfully herself and do so even when she is afraid and anxious and yes, often in need of various medications just to stand up on a stage, made me love her even more than I already do. Listening to Jenny read from the bedazzled binder that holds the manuscript of her book and then share some of her insights about writing and life was just the thing I needed to hear.
I needed to hear (again) that writing is hard. Even for those for whom we think it comes so naturally. I needed to know that imposter syndrome is a real thing and that a lot of people have it and it's very much like having a mean girl live in our head and tell us our outfit sucks all the time. I needed to know that perfect prose does not just happen in a day or an hour sitting in front of a computer screen. It takes work, editing, and time, and usually it is a lot of all three of those. I needed to hear that you don't have to be perfect at doing something in order to do it. That it's OK to tell yourself to "pretend to be good at it" and to even write that on your arm if you have to, as a reminder for when you think you are totally going to mess up.
Quick fact about me: I am terrified all the time.
Not in an "OMG the world is going to end and I can't leave my house!" kind of way, it's more of a, "I feel so broken and insecure that the only way I can function is if I make everything look perfect on the outside" kind of way. I know that doesn't sound terrifying, but there is an insidiousness to perfection and therein lies the terror. Because, if perfection (in any or all it's forms) is the goal, mistakes can't happen. And if you are constantly living with a fear of making mistakes, well, life can get rather intimidating and overwhelming. And then paralysis sets in. Because the best way to avoid making mistakes, is to NOT DO ANYTHING.
This particular pathway of thinking/not doing is a road very well travelled in my brain. It is quite literally the path of least resistance in almost all creative and personal risk-taking endeavours in my life. When something gets hard, when I can't wrap it up all pretty-like or find a way to say something without offending, or please as many people as possible, then I stop doing it. {For reference - see my overflowing draft folder of posts and rants and things I "can't" write about started and then left to die.}
My dear friend and unofficial (as in, I don't know if she knows this) life coach, Marissa, calls me on this all the time. I physically do not make eye contact with people when topics of conversation become messy or when I have to confront any of the imperfections in myself or my actions (or inactions). I literally break off the connection with whomever I am talking with and will do all I can to deflect the conversation elsewhere, more often than not, all the way over to a topic, or subject, or very well-rationalize excuse that I have already perfected.
Perfection and fear are strange, yet completely compatible bedfellows in my life, and I feel like it's time they get their own bedrooms, in their own houses, far, far away from me.
Stephen King once said, "If a fear cannot be articulated, it can’t be conquered." And so, in that vein and because, well, he is Stephen King and I figure he knows a few things about fear, I thought I would go ahead and articulate my fears.
**deep breath**
1. Clowns. Thanks Mr King. I got that one from you!
2. I've never really felt like I "fit in" anywhere. We moved around a lot when my parents split up and starting in a new school and in a new language in Grade 3 was a tough transition that I don't think I have ever fully recovered from. I wonder if I purposely keep myself on the outskirts of groups, never really fully committing myself to them or the people in them, because that is where I know how to at least feel a completely dysfunctional sense of "belonging".
3. I fear that no matter what I do, no matter what I accomplish, it is never going to be enough. Not necessarily enough for me, but enough for the people around me whom I fear I am going to disappoint.
4. I am afraid to unlock the truly vulnerable parts of me, on the page/screen, as well as in real life. When I have done so in the past, there have been consequences that, while out of my control (ie: other's responses), still affected me and made me question myself, my writing and my chosen medium of artistic and personal expression and exploration.
5. All racquet sports. I have no depth perception and therefore I have an intense fear of balls flying at my face/head!
6. Gossip. I fear gossip on two fronts. First, I fear that people are talking about me and making assumptions about and judging me, my life, my parenting and my choices, and secondly, I fear how easy it is to get swallowed up in gossip about others and the judgement that then comes from me.
7. I fear the fact that there are huge chunks of my childhood that I don't remember AT ALL and I wonder why that is. I am deathly afraid of what is behind those locked doors in my mind.
8. I am afraid that I am not a good mother. Ok, wait. That is not true. I am a GOOD mother. I am afraid that I am just not the kind of mother I think I am supposed to be. And that right there is the most fucked up sentence and thought ever. Replace "mother" with "woman" and it's the same kind of messed up. As a woman and mother, I HATE being told what to do and how to do it. Yet we live in a world where that is our reality, every day, all day. In magazines, blogs, television, movies, we are forever being told and shown how to be a "good" mother or a "good" woman. The bar is set and reset and reset yet again. And we are constantly being measured and weighed and it is exhausting. I fear that in my efforts to keep up, to do what I am supposed to do, I am losing sight of what and who (myself, my children) are right in front of me.
9. I am afraid that I don't have a "good enough" story to tell. Which is kind of a bummer when your dream in life is to be a really good storyteller.
10. I am afraid that I lack ambition, that I am lazy and not really trying hard enough. But then I wonder, do I actually lack ambition or am I just paralyzed by ALL THE DAMN FEAR??
Fears, articulated.
Notes, written on arms.
Driving in the fog, at night, over a bridge.
Slowly...
Slowly getting to the other side.
N~
it's a kinda magic
What makes a good story?
We all know it when we read one or watch one unfold on TV or in the movies. They have character development, prose or cinematography that paints incredible pictures and scenes for us, there is conflict, cliff hangers, love, loss, strife, triumph, laughter, sadness... the list goes on and on.
But what really makes something a GOOD story?
I think it's one that makes you feel something deep in your core. One that makes you think. One that takes you on a journey away from your familiar places and the spaces in your own mind and opens you up to new ideas, new thoughts, different lives... even if it's just for a minute or two.
For me, blogging has always been about the story. Whether it is my own story or me learning from and sharing the stories of others. I truly love this medium and the stories that I get to read and the ones I get to write and share as well.
My daughter is currently obsessed with the movie Maleficent and we are reading the novelized version of it at bedtime these days. We've just reached the chapter where Maleficent puts Aurora to sleep and floats her beyond the thorn wall into the faery land of the Moors. To me, this is what if feels like when I read a good story: I am completely entranced and taken away to a magical land and I just don't want the magic to end.
I am currently at the Mom 2.0 Summit in Scottsdale Arizona, surrounded by wonderful faeries of all walks of life who are sharing their stories and casting their magical spells of word-craft all over and around my heart and my mind.
We are here to celebrate these feats of wonder, to share our spells and potions with each other and to come out on the other side of the thorn wall even more ready to share our magic with the rest of the world and rain faery dust all over the internet and bring you all into our lands to feel the magic of...
STORY.
The Arizona version of the wall of thorns
N~
(Basically, I just wanted to warn you that all my tweets, posts and Instagram pictures for the next 72 hours will be of amazing people, this beautiful faeryland called The Phoenician Hotel and all the magic that is the #mom2summit.)
deja vu
On Thursday last week, my husband and I sat down to watch Grey's Anatomy, like we do every week. I had been online earlier in the evening tweeting about our local political debate and upcoming election and inevitably saw a few spoilers for the show and had an inkling of what was coming.
And then IT happened. The final scene. The ICU room, the machines, the ventilator, the sounds, the silence. It was all just too much. I cried, along with millions of others about the death of one of TV's dreamiest characters, but I cried more because it was a scene that was way too close to our not very long ago reality.
Two weeks ago my therapist told me that I have not really processed the trauma that we all went through last year. And like I always do when she brings this up, I countered with, why do I have to? (BTW, my therapist just LOVES me.) I mean, he, we, I... we are all good. We came through it fine, we are on the other side. My son has completely recovered, we are moving on, it's all good now. I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK THERE!
Because whenever I do, my mind plays endless variations of the "What if?" game. And it is not a fun game. I know the statistics now. I've spoken with the doctors who tell me know how many sleepless nights THEY had during those days and while we are now almost a year away from that time, it doesn't take much for my mind to get back there in an instant and for panic and fear to set in.
Thursday night's primetime TV programming was just one part of a very triggering week for all of us. On Wednesday afternoon, I sat in a waiting room at yet another local hospital as once again, my child was being taken away to have more tests.
An MRI this time. There I sat, coffee in one hand, the other on my heart, as I experienced the worst case of deja-vu possible and just tried to calm my breathing and my heart rate, doing all that I could to fend off the impending panic attack!
“He’s fine. He’s fine. He’s fine. It’s nothing. Just regular kid growing pains. HE’S FINE.”
This was my mantra for the excruciating 30 minutes or so that he was out of my sight. And then the radiology tech brought him back to me and said they needed to do another X-Ray.
***RED FLAG***
“Keep calm. Keep calm. Keep calm. Ask to speak to the radiologist. It’s just routine. KEEP CALM.”
When my husband got home from work later, after having spoken with the radiologist, I learned a few new words.
Avascular necrosis of the femoral head, also known as, Legg-Calve-Perthes disease.
And then I had a few choice words of my own for The Universe, Fate, God or whom or whatever is in charge of all of this STUFF....
Because, really?
REALLY???
This kid? After all that he has been through this year? When he is finally starting to feel normal and confident and strong again and all he is looking forward to a summer of playing soccer and... Ok, well mostly just playing soccer. On a team. With all his friends.
Now he can't do that. His age and this diagnosis means that most likely some kind of surgery is going to be needed to correct and/or maintain the integrity of his hip joint to prevent further damage. We will know more when we see the orthopedic surgeon in a few weeks. For now, we restrict his activities and we monitor and manage his pain, both physical and emotional.
And I keep the thought in my head that this child of mine, my warrior babe, who has fought the odds against him since he was in utero and continues to do so 8 years later, well...
He is just not meant for a mediocre life.
n~
What I like right now.
I've been meaning to write a #FridayFavourites post all week, but with kids having nightmares and keeping me up at night, binge watching Netflix shows until after midnite, and dealing with a bunch of jerky MRAs and Gamergaters Friday morning, I just didn't have the energy to finish this one until today!
And it's full of good shit! Trust, me you are really going to want to read it. :)
So without further ado, here are some of my favourite things right now.
1. Sometimes you go shopping with your twenty-something, absolutely gorgeous cousin-in-law and she convinces you to buy a hair product that you didn't know you needed until that moment. That is what happened a few months ago and, what can I say, the girl knows her hair products! The Bumble and Bumble Pret-a Powder is quite simply AWESOME! I always thought that dry shampoos or powder volumizer products where only for people with long flowing locks, but I was wrong. Very, very wrong. A quick shake of powder into my hands and then rubbed into my roots gives my short style just the right amount of volume it needs, whether it is a no shower day, or after the gym or just to zhoosh up my coif before I head out the door! A little goes a long way with this product, and I think it is well worth the $30 price tag for the 2 oz bottle.
Before and after
2. I really like coffee. Not drink a whole pot kind of like, more of a "make me a nice latte and sip it in a cafe" kind of like. The problem being that $5 a day for a coffee eventually adds up to $1800+ a year and that is just plain ridiculous! When I cracked the carafe of our 11-year old coffee maker earlier this year, I crowdsourced my friends online as to which machine I should replace it with. Turns out you don't actually need a machine to make the perfect cup of coffee. You just need an Aeropress! And it only costs $35 from Amazon.ca. I am pretty sure that now, after only a few months of using it almost daily that my barista skills have improved to the point where my home Flat White is pretty much on par with one from Starbucks and costs me a fraction of the price! I make mine like this guy - minus the 3 minutes of steeping, because I don't like my coffee to taste too bitter, and I add warm milk instead of more water - and I am never going back to drip coffee again!
3. I am spending a lot of time at my gym lately and as such, I am in leggings and workout gear 4-5 days a week. I caved a few weeks ago (after many newsletter emails and ads on Facebook), signed up for Fabletics and ordered 2 outfits. They arrived late last week and I immediately tried them on and was pleasantly surprised by how much I really, really liked most of it! I say most, because I am returning/exchanging two items (a tank top that really doesn't have a back and falls weird on me, and the bra top that I need in a bigger size). The capri leggings that I ordered are AMAZING and are a bit compression-like with a lovely fold-over waist and the black joggers are threatening to become my spring/summer wardrobe staple this year. The other top I am keeping is wonderful (see picture below) and a total keeper. I am not sure I'll be up to getting a new outfit every month and will likely opt-out more than I will opt-in for the monthly subscription, but so far I am loving my purchases and will definitely get a few more of the pants/leggings! And if you use this code, you'll get a discount on your first purchase too!
Image from Fabletics.com
4. I have a thing for any and all movies about dance crews, cheerleadering squads and drumline bands. And it seems I have passed this down to my kids as well. A few weeks ago, we all sat in front of the TV completely enthralled with the struggles of the rag-tag dance crew of the latest in the Step Up dance movie instalments, Step Up: ALL IN. Something must have clicked for my son while watching the smooth moves of the SYTYCD contestant-filled cast, because as soon as it was over, he asked if I could find him a hip hop class, so he could dance "like those guys in the movie".
Enter 3rd Street Beat Studio, "...the first all hip-hop dance studio in Edmonton, designed to educate and train students in the many diverse dance styles authentic to the street dance culture. At 3SB students are immersed into this culture from the moment they step into the classroom."
This is 100% true! C has been going to the youth drop in class for the past three weeks and it really is the coolest place and he is learning and discovering a dance style that speaks to him and he is loving it. And I can not tell you the joy I feel when I see him conquer a complicated new move or routine! If you are local to Edmonton and looking for something different for your kids, you must check this place out. They offer all kinds/styles of classes from "Funky Tots" toddler classes, to competitive adult classes, and every style that you can think of in between!
5. One of my favourite days on our recent trip to Maui was when we ventured into Upcountry and spent the day exploring the Kula area and the wonderful old town of Makawao. The shops and art galleries in this town really are a special treat and it is so nice to be away from a lot of the more tourist-y areas on the island. In one of the shops we found the most amazing candles and I fell in love with one in particular. We decided not to get it that day because it was in a glass jar, and one or both of the kids were complaining loudly about their inability to find yet another shave ice place. When we got home, my lovely husband surprised me and had ordered the candle online. It is now my most favourite candle ever and makes my house smell ridiculously amazing and reminds me of that lovely day (and yes, we eventually found the shave ice place). You too can find such bliss, at least in candle form, online at paddywax.com.
That's it for this month's favourite things. What about you? What do you love right now? Share you faves with me in the comments!
Cheers, all!
N~
Unleash the fury... or not.
Hell hath no fury than that of a mob of angry mothers reading their Facebook timelines!
This is what is happening today and again, much like my last post, I find myself faced with the dilemma of just staying out of it and letting the internet have it's way with the whole thing and jumping in and attempting to be a voice of reason.
So, obviously, I am jumping in...
It's Spring Break and the Easter long weekend in our city. The weather is not that great for a lot of outside activities and that being the case, practically EVERY indoor playground or play place in the city is packed with kids and families just trying to make it until Tuesday when we can all get back to normal and....
Oh My God! Now I GET why my kids love recess so much! (SO much energy, so little jumpy castle/playground structure in my house!)
So, let's just say you are a mom of three young kids and you decide to go to a local play place. One of your kids is only seven months old and at some point during your time there, as infants are apt to do, he gets hungry. So you feed him. With your breasts. Because that is the way you do it. And you can't really go to the lovely little quiet room that the establishment has set aside for just such a case, because you also have two older kids who are quite happily playing and who are NOT hungry at this very moment and you have to stick around where they are and supervise. So you nurse your baby. No biggie.
But another mother at the establishment sees this and is uncomfortable about it. She decides to go and complain about you to the management. She gets quite angry and confronts both you and management and it gets ugly. Words are exchanged, some of them racist in nature, some perhaps misunderstood, some arguably seen as unsupportive and unconstitutional of a mother's rights. One need only imagine the heights of everyone's emotions during this incident.
The employees and management try to defuse the situation as best they can and/or know how to. They ask the complaining/racist mother to leave (they are in fact very supportive of breastfeeding in their establishment), and they offer you, the nursing mother, a space to get away from the conflict. You are angry and you refuse and decide to leave of your own accord, feeling judged, shamed, insulted and discriminated against.
And then, emotions still high, you take to Facebook and write about your experience and ask everyone to share it and boycott said establishment because of your terrible, horrible, awful, very, VERY, bad experience there.
And the internet complies. In droves.
In a matter of less than 24 hours, one mother's shaming experience has gone viral.
And another mother's business and livelihood is likely going to suffer because of it.
People are flocking to said business's Facebook page and leaving 1 star ratings. Not based on their own experiences or opinion of the establishment, but because they saw a post about one person's unfortunate time there and decided that was enough/all the information they needed.
Please know that I am not diminishing that nursing mother's feelings or her right to be angry about what happened. She has a protected human right to breastfeed her child anywhere and anytime she needs to and was completely correct in her assertion of these rights. I fully support her and all mothers who need to feed their babies, however they choose to do so and where and whenever they need to do so.
What I fail to see as helpful for anyone in this situation is the shit storm of epic proportions that is falling upon a local, family-run business that specifically caters to families and children in our city. This particular play place has made it a priority to have a nice, comfortable and quiet room for mothers and babies IF THAT IS WHAT THEY NEED/WANT. This is far more than any mall, big box or department store that attaches it's "Mother's" rooms to the bathroom does. Where is the outrage at the mom who made the complaint and the racist comments? Where is the acknowledgment that management asked this person to leave, because HER behaviour was unacceptable in their establishment?
Did the staff and management of this facility do everything right in the heat of the moment during this incident? No, they did not. Does there need to be a concrete policy in place for just this kind of incident. Most definitely. Was some of the conversation that occurred between the nursing mother and the staff taken out of context or misunderstood? Well, honestly, we'll never really know that, so it's no use contemplating it and getting into a big he said/she said debate over it.
What I do know, is that this establishment is being as pro-active as they can be in regards to responding to this incident and has set up a Breastfeeding Information session for later this week and is trying to work with the mother in question to apologize to her and move forward from this. I will be at this event to both support the mother and her right to breastfeed her child wherever and whenever AND to support a local family-run business and help them become an example of a breastfeeding-friendly organization with full policies and procedures in place for all employees and patrons. I encourage all those who are planning to come to this event to keep both of these objectives in mine.
But, I've got one more thing to say...
And it goes back to that word, shame (and again, please see my last post for more on that).
These days, our immediate reaction to "bad things that happen to us" is to pop it up on social media and gather ye thy mobs and pitchforks and torches and ATTACK! If and when we feel shamed in any way, our knee-jerk reaction is to fight back with more shame.
In an interview about her book "Women & Shame", Brené Brown says;
“...the greatest challenge to developing shame resilience is the way shame actually makes us less open to giving or receiving empathy. Shame protects itself by making it very difficult for us to access its antidote. When we are in shame, reaching out for empathy feels very dangerous and risky. And, when we are in shame and someone reaches out to us, it is unlikely that we will be willing to dig deep and find anything besides fear, anger, blame and confusion.”
Today, I have seen so much anger and blame and confusion online. It's messy, it's disheartening and it's frustrating as well. Because in all of it; all the comments, the news interviews, and the shared posts, empathy is the very last thing that anyone has on their minds. And it is the one thing that is needed most in these kinds of situations.
Social media is a great way to get your voice heard and I would never take that away from anyone, especially women, mothers and marginalized and oppressed communities or peoples. I would just really like it if along with the "making of a big fuss", there also came a "making of a big effort to find a solution to all the fuss". And by solution, I mean one that moves everyone forward, that makes us all better human beings and that doesn't resort to tearing down people and places and threatening to drown us all in the big bad sea of shame.
Empathy.
The life-preserver we all need thrown out to us at these times.
n~
P.S. Are you or do you know of an organization that would like to become a Breastfeeding Friendly Community Partner? If so, please check out this handy Toolkit created by the good folks at BACE, The Breastfeeding Action Committee of Edmonton.
