Free Gift with Purchase
It's been another one of those weeks online. You know, the ones where one woman posts an article about why HER choices as a mother are the BEST ONES and everyone else is just so, so selfish and then the internet erupts in yet another round of She Said and then She Said and then SHE Said. (In all seriousness, please do go read that last one.) I swear this shit happens on a cyclical basis, and by my casual observations, it's usually around every three months or so.
I have a theory about this cycle and why it happens, and after much thought about whether or not I should add to the #shesaid noise of this particular cycle of ridiculous link-baiting, CRAP, I have decided to share it with you all.
My theory is this:
Motherhood comes with a Bonus Gift. Kind of like the ones you get at the cosmetic counter at the department store, but without the cute toiletry bag to carry it in. And what exactly is this lovely bonus gift you ask?
It is SHAME. Or to be fancy we can call it La Honte.
I know. It's not exactly the gift you want and not one that you can give back either, but EVERY MOTHER gets it. I am sure some Fathers get it too, but their gift is usually just the sample size and it gets buried deep down in the bottom of a briefcase somewhere. Moms? Well, we seem to get the full size jumbo bottle. Lucky us!
Some days we just dab on just a little bit of shame, cover up our perceived "flaws" with a good concealer and then get on with our days. Other days, we bathe in it and the shame overwhelms us and it takes all we have in us to not pass out from it's miasma. And then there are times when, even after the bonus gift has run out, we go back for more and keep putting it on and don't even realize how much of it has seeped into our skin and unbeknownst to us, this shame becomes a part of who we think we are.
The problem with motherhood and this bonus gift of shame is that it is assumed that they go hand in hand. That you can't have one without the other. It's just another one of those things that comes with being a mother. Sleeplessness - check. Some form of bodily fluid on you at any given time - check. Disproportionate sense that somehow you totally suck at this, you are going to fuck it all up and you will indeed completely mess up your kid(s) - CHECK, CHECK, AND CHECK.
This week, the internet has given us yet another rehashing of the "this is why I work/stay at home", dumb-ass, link-baiting, PLAYED-OUT, SHAME-FUELED, mommy-wars rhetoric.
JUST STOP IT ALREADY!
No, I really mean it. STOP.
These posts are nothing more than cheap vessels to ship out even more shame to others and they are not needed or appreciated. Remember, we have all received our own free gift to deal with already! We DO NOT need anymore.
My initial response to this ongoing and seemingly on perpetual repeat discourse was one of anger and seething feminist rage. And judging by a thread in one of the feminist groups I belong to on Facebook, this is the knee-jerk reaction of many, many others. It has been two days now since I read that damn "Dear Daughter" post, and I have calmed down and realized two things. One, I am at a point in my life where my compassion for other women far outweighs my scorn for someone else's personal choices in their life. And two, I am SO OVER the scent of Eau de Motherhood Shame.
As human beings, we seek connection and attachment in all things in our lives. This is a scientific fact and it is hard-wired in our brains. Motherhood is no exception. We seek to find out "tribe", our fellow mothers going through this life-altering process and who can provide that connection for us. And you thought all those play dates were for the babies and that attachment parenting was just about which kind of carrier you had!
What I think happens a lot of the time in this quest, is that we often mistake sameness as connection. And when we start seeing motherhood as US vs THEM, this makes it very difficult for us to connect with others. We are focused not on what makes us human and what will connect us to others, but on what makes us feel better than others, or perceiving someone else's decisions to do thing differently as a criticism of our choices and not simply as a another path along the same journey. In other words, we try to displace our own shame and regift our bottle to someone else. Let me tell you something, this doesn't work. When we isolate ourselves in sameness, we lose our ability to feel empathy for those that we perceive are not like us.
We don't have to be this way. We can find connection without sameness, in Motherhood and in all things. Once we rid ourselves of all the expectations that we put on ourselves and that we feel from the world around us, once we can truly see each other as we are, once empathy replaces judgement in our minds, only THEN we can find a way out of that awful cloud of shame stench that we sometimes get trapped in. And when we strip is all down to the bare bones of what makes us human, it is just like the song says folks,
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is to love and be loved in return...."
SO STOP TRYING TO REGIFT YOUR BOTTLE OF SHAME ALL OVER THE DAMN INTERNET ALREADY!!
Namaste my friends, namaste.
n~
Why Lego is not really our "friend" right now.
I have this kid. She is a 6 year old version of me, except saying that is not exactly fair is it? She is her own person, she has her own thoughts, her own likes and dislikes and her own feelings about herself and her place in this world. Genetically we may have MANY, many things in common, but sometimes I have to remind myself that there is a limit to all the "mini-me" comparisons, and I have to let her be the person that SHE is meant to be.
The thing is that lately, the unfortunate and yes, similar trait that she is exhibiting is one of worry and anxiety about what people are thinking about her. She has become concerned about how she looks, about people laughing at her, and about looking or being thought of as 'stupid'. She has inherited a bit of a perfectionist streak from both her father and myself and while we both try to quell our own tendencies towards "perfection" in ourselves and we never ask of it from our children, it seems that our actions and our behaviours are speaking louder than we thought.
And so, here we are.
With a six-year old who has been asked by another six-year old in her dance class, "Why do you have such a fat belly?". Who told me the other day, after we watched a trio of Russian gymnasts perform an amazing floor routine that, "I can't do that mommy. You have to be skinny to do gymnastics." And who asked me if we could "work out" together this weekend because she thinks that her legs are too jiggly.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
How is this happening already? What have I done wrong? Why are some kids such little assholes?
What the hell do I do now? Because we all know this won't go away. The images and messages of beauty and perfection and SKINNY that she will be exposed to will just grow and grow and grow and they will continue to infect her beautiful, creative, wonderful little mind. And I will have to be ever vigilant about the language I use when talking about myself and about others, because damn it, these kids hear and notice EVERYTHING these days!
My daughter asks me why girls aren't allowed to go to school in some parts of the world. She asks me why I wear make-up. She asks me about my "jiggly" arms and why I have them. She notices all the "sexy" ladies in TV commercials and giant billboards in the mall and ask why they are walking like that and only wearing their underwear. She asks me why I won't let her have any Monster High dolls, even though all her friends have them. She wears her heart on her sleeve this one - another trait she got from me - and I am so afraid of it getting crushed by the constant messages of BEAUTY > Everything Else That Makes Up A Person that we are bombarded with every day.
So yesterday, when I read about LEGO "beauty-trolling" 5-12 year olds, I felt defeated. I felt like any strides that we are making as women, any steps towards a better world for our girls (and our boys) is pointless when we have to start FIGHTING THIS KIND OF MESSAGE being purposely aimed at our very young daughters.
In her article for the New York Times, Sharon Holbrook, can't help but also wonder why her own 7-year old daughter is in need of these "helpful" beauty tips from her "friends":
“Children far too young to be told by the oval-faced (of course) Lego “Friend” Emma that little girls with square faces need a haircut to “soften the edges of your face” while the unfortunate long-faced girls — remember, ages 5 to 12 — can get a haircut to “help your face appear slightly shorter.””
Now, we don't subscribe to the Lego Friends publication in this house, but my daughter does have a shelf full of the pink and purple and teal blocks and buildings. My kid wants to be a veterinarian when she grows up and the Lego Friends line has that particular career path tied up very nicely with one of those ridiculously small purple bows. We have every little animal and animal house Lego created for this line and she loves them all. She puts the damn teeny, tiny purple bows on all the little animals and creates stories about them and these stories are elaborate and complex and funny and heartbreaking (especially the one about the lost baby penguin!) and you know what? No one in the story is ever worried about the shape of their face or the right hair cut for said face.
AND I WANT TO KEEP IT THAT WAY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
Seriously, though, LEGO, cut it out! Yes, yes, I know. You've got a market for the Friends line now and we get it. It's a half-way decent 'gateway' toy to get girls into building things, but I think you've gone far enough. You need to STOP perpetuating the notion that girls only want to go to pool parties and shopping and hair salons and jet-skiing with dolphins (although, I do admit, I kind of want to do that last one.) That's what we have Barbie for. And I mean, for god's sake, even Barbie is at least trying to BE more these days.
LEGO, what happened to you? You used to be all about instilling the gift of BUILDING and PRIDE in our children - at least that is what you did for my brothers and sister and I. This ad from your early 1980's campaign could have been my little brother and sister. And you know what, it CAN be my daughter and my son NOW too, if you'd just stop telling kids how and what they are supposed to build and dividing them according to a colour chart and the shape of their mini-figurines.
So LEGO, as a gift to you, and since I assume you are not about to give up on the whole Lego Friends line, I'd like to give you a few suggestions for future sets:
1 - Make the damn Supreme Court Justice - Women Supremes Set.
2 - Can we get a female Olympic Hockey Team set please? USA vs. Canada. In appropriately coloured team jerseys. (That means no pink vs purple, OKAY??!)
3. How about a nice Women of History set, with the likes of say; Boudicca, Joan of Arc, Marie Curie, Emily Murphy, Queen Elizabeth I, Rosa Parks, and Anne Frank. With future expansion sets to come!
4. Enough with the Harry Potter and The Hobbit and Star Wars. Let's get some Hunger Games/Katniss Everdeen sets going, and maybe a Divergent/Tris-centered set too. And while you're at it, do you mind making me one with Hit Girl from the movie Kick-Ass please!
5. Give WyldStyle her own full line. She is a Master Builder after all. And maybe a whole movie too!
6. And my friend Lizz and many others too, would like you to make ALL the mini-figurines the same size and shape for seamless play between the sets.
As for me and my little mini-me, we'll be over here plugging along on the road of being female in this world. We will NOT be reading beauty tips in LEGO magazines, or any other ones for that matter. We will NOT be purchasing anymore Lego Friends sets unless we start seeing some more substance to them. And we WILL be having all kinds of conversations about what it means to be a strong, intelligent, confident girl, how we can help others feel that way about themselves and what it means to love ourselves first and foremost.
And I'll be re-reading these powerful lines from this viral Huffington Post article from a few years ago, over and over and over again:
“Maybe you and your daughter both have thick thighs or wide ribcages. It’s easy to hate these non-size zero body parts. Don’t. Tell your daughter that with her legs she can run a marathon if she wants to, and her ribcage is nothing but a carrying case for strong lungs. She can scream and she can sing and she can lift up the world, if she wants.”
n~
the middle child syndrome of parent blogging
I was filling out my nomination form for the Mom 2.0 Summit Iris Awards this week. In the second line under Honour and Achievement Awards, the form asks to nominate your favourite parenting blog of the year...
And I was stumped.
If I was filling this out five years ago, I would have said Tanis Miller at Attack of the Redneck Mommy, or Annie Urban at Phd in Parenting, or Alice Bradley at Finslippy, or Julie Cole at The Yummy Mummy Club. Because I used to read these blogs religiously. Eating it all up like the sleep-starved mother of two tiny beings that I was. These bloggers fed me my late night, 2 AM feedings worth of words and laughs and advice. Words and stories that sustained me throughout those long nights and well into my days. These women spoke to me, they made me feel OK with what I was doing, assured me that it was all going to be okay in the end. They were ahead of me on the motherhood train and were showing me which tracks to follow.
And follow those tracks I did, all the way to blogging myself. I started to write my stories, share my advice and my parental nuggets of wisdom along the way. I actually became friends with all of the bloggers I mentioned above and they are all just as funny and amazing in real life as they are on the screen and I continue to look up to them in all things blogging and living.
And yet, I am still stumped as to who/what my favourite parenting blog is THIS year.
This year, when my kids are six and eight years old, and we are done with breastfeeding and babywearing and potty training and making organic baby food and worrying about them only playing with handmade, wooden, non-toxic-paint-covered toys. This year, that I have looked forward to for so long, when they are both in the same school for full days and I FINALLY have all this time for myself again and then I mope around because I miss the little buggers. This year, when getting my son to talk to me about anything is like we are in some kind of cold war interrogation room and he is not gonna crack! This year, when my daughter is getting asked about her weight (SHE'S SIX) and is constantly worried about people thinking she is stupid - FYI, some kids are really mean. This year, when questions and conversations about God, divorce, sex, death and whether the police are good or bad, are topics that just pop up, in the car, at the dinner table, on the way to dance class and rock climbing, and you have to roll with it, find that line between telling them enough and not too much for their young, curious minds to grasp and hope you get at least part of it right.
I feel as if there is a hole in the parent blogging world. Maybe it is because, "OMG! We are all so damn busy!!". Maybe it is because I am not looking in the right places. Maybe it is because we get so distracted by all the other big events and news going on in our world. Who knows? What I do know is that if you thought the baby and toddler years were the busy ones, the ones where you had all the questions, you were wrong. Now is the busy time: make the lunches, get them to school, go to work/gym/grocery shopping/etc..., make dinner, pick up from school, take to activity A, B or C, do homework with them, get ready for bed, read, sleep, rinse and repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat.
Now is the time when not only are the kids asking you questions, you're wondering about a whole lot of new slew of parenting issues too. And there just doesn't seem to be a lot of time for reflection and writing about all the trials and tribulations of the regular 6-10 year old kid phase. That phase doesn't even really have a name. I mean, we have whole websites dedicated to The Baby Year(s), The Toddler Years, and then it all kind of skips ahead to the Tweens and then the Teens. What the heck do we call this time anyway? School-age? Childhood years? Somehow it just doesn't have the same ring to it and this time in our kid's (and our) lives also doesn't seem to get the same kind of press.
I need the post telling me that the weird forced laugh and the 10 decibels louder in public that my 8-year old son now speaks at is completely normal. I need the post reassuring me that quitting an activity that all three of us dread on a weekly basis is not going to be the downfall of my kids personal development and deprive them of some essential life skill. I need the post letting me know that my own inner worries about my 6-year old daughter's weight are normal and tips on how to deal with both my body issues, while also helping her develop a healthy sense of her own body and self-worth. I need the post letting me know that I am not the only one who HATES making lunches, and if I see another Pinterest board full of ever changing, rainbow-filled bento-box bounty, I am going to fucking SCREEEEEAAAAM!
I also need the post talking about school reforms and new research into standardized testing and the pros and cons of alternative programs and community-based educational initiatives. And the one about the best way to initiate an allowance schedule for kids at this age. I need that post that somehow finds the happy medium between the care-free "come home when it gets dark" era that we grew up in, with the helicoptering "I must plan all of your time and activities and play dates for you and be there to supervise it all" exhausting (and anxiety producing) thing we are doing now. And that one talking about why the word FART is somehow the most hilarious one in the English language and is the topic of conversation at least 48.7 times a day!
I get it though. I mean, I am not writing these posts either. My kids can both read and use Google now and that combo is a scary one for someone like me who opens up her life and her family's life to the internet. And there is the whole digital footprint thing to consider as well. If I write about them or post their pictures online, am I telling stories that aren't mine to share? Where is the line that says, this story is OK to share and this one is not. And why did all of this not seem like such a big deal when they were babies and toddlers?
All of these words to tell you that I really don't have a favourite parenting blog this year. I don't have a go-to resource or someone who is telling the stories that I can relate to right now. Which is also a bit depressing, because if I am feeling this way, there must be others feeling it too? And then I wonder who is relating to me and my journey as a parent and as a blogger? Am I speaking to you? Are you getting what you need from this blog?
Please, I want to know.
And if nothing else, I guess if I can't find the kid-zone (that's what I am calling it) parenting posts I am looking for elsewhere, I suppose I have just given myself a nice little editorial calendar of topics to write about for the next few months.
n~
P.S. In an odd kind of ironic twist of fate, I just found out late last night that I have been nominated and short-listed for a local Social Media award in the category of Best in Family and Parenting.
Lessons from Hawaii
These are the things I learned on my recent 12 day vacation with my family to the islands of Kauai and Maui:
1. It is completely possible (and a lot cheaper these days due to airlines charging for checked bags) to pack for four people with one large duffle style suitcase and 4 small carry ons. And yes, that includes shoes and toiletries. **Caveat: This works best if you have laundry facilities at your final destination.
Plus two more carry ons.
2. Do not assume that all flights have those back of the seat TV monitors and in-flight movies. BRING BACK UP!
3. Your kid (and most of the others on the flight) will not fall asleep until 20 minutes before you are scheduled to land.
- 3b. Don't be the asshole who gets on the plane and immediately says to the dad and toddler sitting in the row with him, "He isn't going to be a problem is he?"
4. You just don't know if you are a bidet kind of person until you try it. This all-in-one seat thing is HEATED and does all the ahem... dirty work for you, all with a touch of a few buttons! Now where do I get one in Canada?
5. Never underestimate the value of two $3 inner tubes OR the amount of time your children will want to spend in the pool with said inflatables.
- 5b. DON'T FORGET TO SUNSCREEN YOURSELF MORE THAN ONCE IN THOSE 4.25 hours!
Me, poolside and pre-burned.
6. Something called an Island Coconut Latte is always a good idea.
7. We have ugly chickens in Canada and we eat them. Kauai has pretty ones and it is illegal to kill them. AND they are feral, and LOUD, and everywhere and sometimes they even lay eggs on the goods at the stalls at an outdoor market.
8. There is a little town in Kauai called Old Koloa that is an almost exact replica of Coombs on Vancouver Island. Just swap out palm trees for pines and Douglas firs and chickens and roosters for goats on the roof.
9. You can make friends with little green lizards with a dab of guava flavoured shave ice.
10. Be nice to people, especially the dude at the car rental place. Because he just might upgrade you to a fancy hybrid. (The Ford C-MAX is my new car crush!)
11. A day at the beach without kids is about sunning, reading, walking and an occasional dip in the ocean.
12. A day at the beach with kids is about always having to be in the ocean, because that is where they want to be and the waves are relentless and there will be sand EVERY-DAMN-WHERE!
- 12b. You just have to go with it, embrace the sand and the waves, make epic sand castles and learn to boogie board!
13. DO NOT WEAR YOUR SUNGLASSES IN THE OCEAN WHILE BOOGIE-BOARDING.
14. Poke is SO GOOD! If you love sushi/sashimi, you have to try this local Hawaiian dish.
15. When your daughter gets it in her head that she wants a pink ukelele with flowers on it, she will not rest or stop asking you for it until it is in her hot little hands.
- 15b. And every time she plays it and sings Twinkle, Twinkle (which is a-the only song she knows all the words to and b- is at least 1000 times a day), your husband will give you some serious side-eye.
16. Leave the beaches and go exploring. Upcountry Maui is beautiful, slightly cooler (both weather-wise and you know, coolness-wise) and you find the best artisans and shops in the most unlikely places.
Watching a glass artist iN Makawao
17. Keiki (kids) menus, might just be my undoing!! (Future ranty post about this coming soon.)
18. I don't care how many times I see it, EVERY time I see a humpback whale exhale, do a tail dive, or any kind of breach, I will squeal and excitedly point it out to anyone around me like it's the very first time I've ever laid eyes on this marvel of a mammal!
19. All the males in my family have issues with boat travel.
20. Mama's Fish House never gets old and is a must on every trip to Maui.
21. There are times to obey all the signs and times to venture off the beaten/paved path.
The forbidden path at I'ao Valley
22. Sunrise yoga at Maui Yoga Path. A perfect way to start your day, I only wish I had found them sooner and bought a five day pass for the week.
23. Not all Shave Ice is created equal. Get yourself to Tobi's in Paia for the good stuff.
24. When a piece of art moves you, you should buy it. Because you are at a time in your life when you can. Same goes with original clothing designs and locally made jewelry.
25. Hanging out with friends also on the island is a fun day for everyone. Also, Napili Beach and ALL THE TURTLES! Who knew??
no filter needed.
26. Nothing bottled will ever truly compare to the pure smell of the plumeria flower that has just fallen off the tree.
And finally,
27. The direct flight home is always the right choice.
N~
What do you expect?
Wednesday was February 11th.
The 100th Day of School. For some reason this is a big deal (although I never remember doing anything to mark this day when I was in school and thankfully, I didn't have to do any kind of 100 things project with the kids like some of you did.)
The day Mercury got its sorry ass out of retrograde and back into proper orbit, thank you very much!
And, if my grandmother were alive, it would have been her 107th birthday. Happy Birthday Helen! (Pronounced the French way, Helène, and we never, EVER called her Grandma.)
I have been thinking about my grandmother a lot this past week. Most likely because I have been watching a lot of Downton Abbey. In my mind, and in reality, my grandmother was a complex woman who was a mix of Mrs. Hughes and the Dowager Duchess Violet Crawley, with a dash of Mrs. Patmore thrown in for a bit of spice.
It is interesting (and frustrating) to watch Downton through a feminist lens. (Spoiler ALERT - stop reading now if you haven't watched Seasons 4 and 5). I find myself rooting for Edith and her writing career and single motherhood and wish they would explore this further, wanting to slap Mary for her coy, better than everyone else attitude, and loving Maggie Smith's delivery of Violet Crawley's poignant and biting lines so perfectly every single time!
The expectations of proper behaviour and everyone, especially women, knowing their place in the world of Downton and 1920s England is such a predominant theme of the show, that after binge-watching Seasons 4 and 5 over the course of a week, I can't help but think about and see how these very same kinds of expectations actually affect us all to some degree in 2015 as well.
A few months ago I read something that made me have what I would call a LIFE CHANGING epiphany. So much so that I have had to sit on it for a while, mull it around in the depths of my memories and watch it play out as I recapped most of my early life and childhood. It all kind of gelled for me a few weeks ago.
I had crowd-sourced my online friends for some good podcasts to listen to on the days that I spend close to 2 hours driving my kids back and forth to their various after school activities. High up on that list was an NPR show called Invisibilia. This new show, hosted by Lulu Miller and Alix Speigel, explores the intangible forces that shape human behaviour – things like ideas, beliefs, assumptions and emotions. The first episode I listened to (and have since listened to at least two more times) is called "How To Become Batman" and is about how profoundly the expectations of others can affect us. Lulu and Alix interview researchers and scientists looking at this phenomenon as well as a man named Daniel Kish. Daniel is blind. He has no eyes, he lost them to cancer as a toddler, and yet, he claims that he can SEE. Really, you must go listen to the whole podcast, you'll be hooked. And now, I can't get the concept of expectations as a force that shapes us out of my head.
The epiphany article I read earlier was published in 2011 in Psychology Today and is titled "The Trouble with Bright Girls". It talks about how girls and boys in the 5th grade differ in terms of how they interpret and then perform difficult tasks and why this difference exists. And perhaps not surprisingly, it all comes back to expectations.
“...bright girls believe that their abilities are innate and unchangeable, while bright boys believe that they can develop ability through effort and practice.
How do girls and boys develop these different views? Most likely, it has to do with the kinds of feedback we get from parents and teachers as young children. Girls, who develop self-control earlier and are better able to follow instructions, are often praised for their “goodness.” When we do well in school, we are told that we are “so smart,” “so clever, “ or “ such a good student.” This kind of praise implies that traits like smartness, cleverness, and goodness are qualities you either have or you don’t.
Boys, on the other hand, are a handful. Just trying to get boys to sit still and pay attention is a real challenge for any parent or teacher. As a result, boys are given a lot more feedback that emphasizes effort (e.g., “If you would just pay attention you could learn this,” “If you would just try a little harder you could get it right.”) The net result: When learning something new is truly difficult, girls take it as sign that they aren’t “good” and “smart”, and boys take it as a sign to pay attention and try harder.”
Think about this a bit. At a very early age, the expectations that "boys will be boys" and that girls need to focus on being good and "sugar and spice and all things nice" is already being felt by our children and embedded in their minds.
And this is when it all hit me and I had that AHA! moment.
I can attest to this kind of messaging from my youth. A lot of it from my former governess grandmother. And almost all of it was about how to be a "good" and proper young girl. How to sit properly (cross your ankles, not your legs), how to eat properly (no soup slurping), how to set a table properly and which fork and spoon to use. I was told that a lady doesn't laugh TOO loud. She never makes a scene. She must sit up straight (Helen would run a very boney knuckle down our backs if we slouched). We had a set of the giant Encyclopedia Britannica books and on most nights I would have to walk up and down the hall with one balanced on my head. You know, for my posture. Funny thing, I don't recall my brothers ever having to do this.
As I reminisce about all of this now, I can't help but wonder at the expectations that she and others had for me to be such a good and proper girl and how these affected my own sense of self-worth as I grew up. I dug out my old report cards from Grade 4 to Grade 7 and the amount of time that I was referred to as a "good girl" in the comments from my teachers was indeed rather ridiculous. I also called my mom and asked her to find my younger brother's report cards and read them to me and the phrases, "needs to concentrate" and "must make greater effort" were written in his comments more often than any mention of his "good" behaviour. My mom also read me an excerpt from her own Grade 5 report card (seriously, the woman keeps EVERYTHING) and the comment that stuck out was that "she controls her emotions". So, you know... these kinds of expectations have been going on for quite a while.
Grade Five
But if the message you constantly receive growing up is that your goodness is your most important trait, where does that leave you? And if for some reason you don't meet the expectations of goodness that people have of you, what does that do to your self-esteem and self-confidence?
I'll tell you what it does. It makes you hide. It makes you ashamed of anything "bad" that you do or feel or think or that happens to you and you'll do whatever it takes to keep up the illusion of "good", both for yourself and for those around you. Back at Downton, think about Edith and her illegitimate child. She'd rather concoct an elaborate ruse with her Aunt and go away for months to hide her pregnancy, then have a bastard child in the midst of life at the Abbey. Because of expectations. A good girl doesn't do that to her family or the family's GOOD name.
So yes, I truly believe that the expectations that others have of us are immensely powerful. They can be at once empowering and also debilitatingly paralyzing.
When we watch Daniel Kish, a man who is completely blind, riding a bike, it's one of those mind-blowing moments. FOR US. Because of our expectations of what a blind person can do. For him, it's just regular, every day, life. And it's not just him thinking and believing and Little Engine That Could -"I think I can, I think I can" -ing it up the hill. It was his mother not interfering with him being the unstoppable climbing child and exploring his world, it was her not stopping him from clicking and discovering echolocation, despite others telling her his behaviour was not socially acceptable, and it was her not stopping him from getting on a bike. It is because of his mother and others around Daniel not putting "blind people can't do that" expectations on him, that he can see (yes, he says he can actually SEE), and do all that he can.
The paralyzing part of expectations, especially those that are specific to gender, comes when we start hearing at such a young age that girls shouldn't do {_______}, or boys don't play with {_______}, or that it's more important to be a good girl than it is to be a curious one. Or that boys aren't supposed to be emotional and girls are valued more for their obedience and not their thoughts and actions.
The Always #LikeAGirl commercial that was aired during the Superbowl is a prime example of this concept of expectations and their effect on young girls. And it is right around the ages of 10-12 (Grade 4/5) when we see this dramatic change in confidence in girls.
I believe a lot of these expectations are driven by fear. In Downton Abbey, there is the fear that the world around the Crawley family is changing and certain members of the household (both upper and lower) cling dearly to the way things were to maintain a sense of order in their lives. Fear is a powerful force in the parenting world as well. We all have certain expectations of what our kids can and can not do and whether we are right or wrong, those expectations affect our children, are internalized by them and will follow them throughout their lives.
In the Batman Invisibilia podcast, Daniel Kish's mother tells Lulu and Alix how she had to abandon her fears for her child in order to let him become who he is today. I can't help but think about her making that kind of conscious choice and am in total awe of her. I also wonder how different our world would be if we could all abandon some of our fears and let go of our expectations to a greater degree. If we looked at people of different genders, people with all kinds of abilities, people from different parts of the world, without so many of our limiting expectations. What if we too left our fears behind and started to believe in people beyond what we expect or more importantly, what we have been taught to expect?
Can you just imagine the feats of mind-blowing-ness that could be accomplished in that world?
I don't know about you, but that is a world I want to be in, one that I'd like for my children and one that I'll gladly re-examine my expectations for.
How big is your village?
I am about to do something I swore I would never do.
I am going to write about vaccines.
Before I do though, I have a few disclaimers.
Disclaimer #1: My children are both fully immunized and both had a reaction to their first immunizations. Nothing that I would classify as a major reaction, just a change in behaviour, fevers, and a few restless nights. As a result of this, I decided to put our kids on a modified immunization schedule and only get one (max 2) immunizations at one time, especially the combo ones. Needless to say, it took a lot longer than the prescribed pediatric immunization schedule, but neither of them have had any kind of reaction after that first time (when they both got 4 shots at once), and they are now fully immunized.
Disclaimer #2: I am a former pharmaceutical sales rep. Yes, it's true, I worked for the BIG BAD PHARMA Wolf. Only, it was the best job I ever had, the one job where I felt that what I was doing was actually helping people and damn it, I was really good at that job!
Disclaimer #3: During my career as a pharmaceutical rep, at one point, it was my job to sell vaccines.
Disclaimer #4: I have a chronic disease (Rheumatoid Arthritis) and have been on many different medications for it since 1991. I have been in clinical trials for new drugs and I have injected various medicines into my body weekly for the past 15 years. Without these medicines, made by, studied, and marketed by pharmaceutical companies, I would most likely not be alive today. And also because of these medications, I am now considered an immunocompromised person.
Ok, I think that's about it for the disclaimers. Now, back to this whole vaccination "debate".
Conversations about vaccines. HA! My friend Heather posted a comment on Facebook the other day about vaccines and it has since garnered 782 comments. SEVEN HUNDRED AND EIGHTY TWO COMMENTS! That is a lot of feels people. Shit, if that post was one of those "comment on this post and a kid in Africa gets a vaccine so he/she doesn't get polio!!", that post alone could have saved 782 kids from a disease that is LITERALLY non-existent on our country. (Canada was deemed a polio-free country in 1994 - thanks to, you guessed it, a vaccine!)
Look, just so we are clear, I am not here to condemn or condone anyone's choices in this matter. I am going to make an assumption (and hope I am not making an ASS out of U or ME) that both those who vaccinate and those who don't, do so with all of the information that they need to make an informed and educated decision. What I am going to do, is ask for a bit of consistency in these decisions and maybe some deeper critical thinking about what these "choices" mean, not just for you, your child and your family, but for everyone around you.
I know for a fact, that all of us are all doing the best we can to keep our children safe. Safe from disease, safe from harmful chemicals, and safe from, well... any and all the bad things that are out there in the world that could harm them in any way.
So here is the hard truth for everyone. Sometimes that's going to work and sometimes it just doesn't.
Sometimes you can do all the right things according to your set of values and choices; vaccinate, don't vaccinate, eat organic, eat McDonald's, breastfeed, formula-feed, and on and on and on and on... and still, things can happen that you have no control over.
Example:
My kid had a lung infection this past summer from a bacteria called Streptococcus Pyogenes. Most of you know it more commonly as Strep Throat. You or your child have most likely had it at some point in your life. Your throat hurts, A LOT, you go to the doctor, you get a prescription for some penicillin (a medicine made by a pharmaceutical company) and bam, you are back to work/school in a couple of days. Easy peasy right?
Not always. In RARE cases, Group A Strep infections turn SUPER NASTY!
That lung infection in my child turned out to be a very bad pneumonia and he quickly went into severe septic shock and had a cardiac arrest in the pediatric ICU. He was put on a heart-lung bypass machine for 6 days because his own heart and lungs couldn't handle the work of fighting the infection and keeping him alive at the same time. My son survived this infection and the measures that had to be taken to save him, thanks to many factors, not the least of which was the medicines that he was given (again from those darn pharma companies), the blood products that he needed, the incredible team of doctors, nurses and respiratory techs that looked after him and all the love that we could muster around him.
I think back to those days before he got sick and I remember the talk on the school playground at drop off and pick up times. "There's something going around", "So and so has been sick too", "Everyone's been fighting a bit of a cough lately". It's not like it was much different than any other time, because really, there is always "something" going around at school. Germs and viruses just LOVE schools and all the nooks and crannies and multiple tiny bodies cramped into not very big spaces. The only difference this time was that someone's kid got a sore throat and a bit of a cough, and my child almost died, and NO ONE could have foreseen either of those events. And there was no medication that either of them could have taken to prevent either the sore throat or the sepsis. Sometimes, it's all comes down to just dumb luck.
Vaccines and the diseases that they prevent are a bit different though. There is at least some measure of control that we have with these diseases. One that is readily available and rather effective. Have you ever seen anyone with the measles or the mumps or diptheria? I know I haven't. And to be honest, up until a few minutes ago when I Googled it, I wasn't exactly sure what Rubella was, and why it needed to be eradicated, but 30,000 infant deaths and 20,000 infants born disabled during the last U.S. outbreak in 1962-65, is PLENTY good enough reason for me!
Yes, I know that vaccines have side effects. ALL medicines have side effects. Many of the products that we consider "natural" medicines have side effects too. As a former pharmaceutical rep, I am actually quite well versed in medication side effects, the measures taken to study, document and report these side effects and the analysis that both health care professionals and individuals have to make to assess the risk/benefit of taking, versus not taking a medication for any given condition or situation. And as a chronic disease sufferer and life-long medication user, I also know quite intimately how the side effects of medications can affect ones life significantly. No medication is completely benign and no one is saying that vaccines are either.
Let's have a look at something. Below is the list of side effects listed in the product monograph of a common medication. I warn you, its a long list.
“More common side effects:
Abdominal pain
acid or sour stomach
belching
bloating
cloudy urine
decrease in amount of urine
decrease in urine output or decrease in urine-concentrating ability
diarrhea
difficulty having a bowel movement (stool)
excess air or gas in stomach or intestines
full feeling
heartburn
indigestion
itching skin
pain or discomfort in chest, upper stomach, or throat
pale skin
passing gas
nausea
noisy, rattling breathing
rash with flat lesions or small raised lesions on the skin
shortness of breath
swelling of face, fingers, hands, feet, lower legs, or ankles
troubled breathing at rest
troubled breathing with exertion
unusual bleeding or bruising
unusual tiredness or weakness
vomiting
weight gain
Less common side effects:
Abdominal cramps
stomach soreness or discomfort
Rare side effects:
Agitation
back, leg, or stomach pains
bleeding gums
blistering, peeling, loosening of skin
blood in urine or stools
bloody, black, or tarry stools
blurred vision
burning feeling in chest or stomach
change in vision
chest pain
chills
clay-colored stools
coma
confusion
constipation
cough or hoarseness
dark urine
decreased urine output
depression
difficulty breathing
difficulty swallowing
dilated neck veins
dizziness
dry mouth
extreme fatigue
fast, irregular, pounding, or racing heartbeat or pulse
fever with or without chills
frequent urination
general body swelling
general feeling of tiredness or weakness
hair loss, thinning of hair
headache
hives or welts
hostility
impaired vision
increased blood pressure
increased volume of pale, dilute urine
irregular breathing
irritability
itching
joint or muscle pain
lab results that show problems with liver
lethargy
light-colored stools
loss of appetite
lower back or side pain
muscle twitching
nosebleeds
painful or difficult urination
pains in stomach, side, or abdomen, possibly radiating to the back
pinpoint red spots on skin
puffiness or swelling of the eyelids or around the eyes, face, lips, or tongue
rash
red skin lesions, often with a purple center
red, irritated eyes
redness of skin
seizures
severe abdominal pain, cramping, burning
severe and continuing nausea
sore throat
sores, ulcers, or white spots in mouth or on lips
stiff neck or back
stomach upset
stupor
swollen or painful glands
tenderness in stomach area
thirst
tightness in chest
unpleasant breath odor
upper right abdominal pain
vomiting of blood
vomiting of material that looks like coffee grounds
wheezing
yellow eyes and skin”
In case you haven't guessed, this is the list of the common, less common, and rare side effects listed for Children's Advil. If we used the same criteria that some use for not giving vaccines (based on the risk of less common or rare side effects) on our use of Children's Advil, would we ever use it? Why is one medication deemed less harmful than another? Are they not both made by large pharmaceutical companies just out to make the big bucks? How is the science behind one medicine not given the same credence as another? I seriously want everyone to think about these questions and at least answer them for themselves.
And about Big Pharma. The thing you may not know about these companies is, that while they may not be perfect, and I completely agree that they do need to be held to a higher standard, they are also full of good, hard-working people who care about making people's lives better and healthier and they care about making a good living while doing that. Trust me, the two concepts are not mutually exclusive.
Let's try this another way. How many times have we heard "it takes a village" in regards to raising children? And while we may be able to control our mini-villages when our children are young and primarily stick within our circles of friends and family who follow a certain way of doing things, we can't control the bigger villages that our kids are inevitably going to venture out into. At what point do we consider and teach our own children that there are others in these bigger villages that we all need to take care of as well? If we look at immunization programs as less of a "choice" to make for our families alone and more of an approach to population protection for our youngest and, immunologically-speaking, weaker members of society, present company included, then are we not responsible as members of our larger villages to provide that protection to them?
I can't help but feel that in all of the discussion (and I do use that term lightly) about pro-vaxxing vs. anti-vaxxing that is going on these days, that there is a sense of some #firstworldproblems, Capital P, Privilege accompanying it. We take for granted that many of the diseases that we vaccinate against don't exist in North America anymore. It is as if we've been lulled into a state of complacency. We don't see babies dying from rubella or measles anymore. We don't see the devastating effects that polio can have on a child's body. We think that a case of whooping cough is no biggie, because we easily have access to medicines that can treat it (even though in 2012, there were 20 pertussis-related deaths in the US, the most since 1955, and most of these in infants under 3 months of age.)
In many developing countries, this is not the case. Mothers and fathers will literally walk miles with their children to get them vaccinated. These parents know death, they see children dying of diseases that are treatable and preventable in other parts of the world and they don't have access to the hospitals and medicines that we all take for granted. I can't help but wonder how they would feel about these 'debates' about vaccinations that we keep having from behind our laptops and iPhones, sipping our lattes and watching our kids climb all over those germ-infested slides and tunnels at the local play place, while they watch their children suffer and die.
There are many choices that we make as parents and many of them are true choices that affect only us and our kids and our immediate families. There are other decisions that we have to make that take us out of our little bubble worlds and that need to be made with our larger 'villages' in mind. I know that no one makes these vaccine decisions with the intention of hurting or harming another child or human being, but the reality is that this can and does happen. There could be a child fighting cancer in your son's class who is immunocompromised. Your daughter's best friend may have a new baby sister who is too young to be immunized. And an unvaccinated child carrying a communicable virus, that could seriously harm them, is a risk that these vulnerable villagers shouldn't have to take. And you just don't know for sure about any of these things, until way after the fact.
Just like you don't know if your child will be the one in a million who will have a major reaction and long term side-effect from a vaccine (or any medication).
Just like you don't know if your kid is going to go into septic shock and almost die from a common bacteria that causes sore throats.
Just like you don't know if or when you or your child will need some of those medicines made by pharmaceutical companies to stay alive or even to just keep a fever down.
My point is that there are no guarantees in this life. But there are risks that we can mitigate, not just for ourselves and our children, but for the villages we claim to be a part of and all the vulnerable people within it. And THAT is what vaccines do. For almost everyone.
My hope is that we can all start looking at these risks and the decisions that we make about them from a broader, more population protection perspective and will a lot less complacency than what we are currently doing.
N~
STELLLLAAAAAA!!!
If I have an hour to myself these days, you will likely find me firmly attached to my iPod via my headphones, under a ton of blankets (because - scary bits yo!), and completely engrossed - a few times to the point of forgetting to eat, drink and pee - in my latest Netflix obsession.
I am of course talking about the BBC2 series The Fall. This psychological thriller, set in Belfast, follows the story of two people, both hunters in their worlds. One is a serial killer who hunts, stalks, terrorizes and kills his female prey and the other is the police officer who is hunting him. And while this sounds like every other television crime drama out there, I assure you, it is SO NOT!
The main character, Detective Superintendent Stella Gibson, is portrayed brilliantly by Gillian Anderson. I hadn't realized how much I have missed watching her on television until I started binging on this show. Jamie Dornan (yes, he of the upcoming 50 Shades of Grey film) is so damn creepy as the serial killer/father/husband/counsellor, that even writing about him right now has my stomach in knots!
And while the subject matter of the show is gritty and violent and potentially triggering for some, Stella's continual take-downs of the casual and not-so-casual sexism and misogyny in her world (and in society in general) is so masterful, that I seriously want to go HUG the writer and creator of the series, Allan Cubitt.
I could seriously go on and on here, but I don't want to ruin the whole show for you. If you are looking for something new to watch on Netflix, and want to be simultaneously creeped the Eff out and feel empowered as a feminist and a woman, while totally girl-crushing all over Gillian Anderson, then this is the show for you.
Trust me, you won't be disappointed.
n~
Wake up and smell the... advertising company selling you stuff!
There is a moment in the movie Pleasantville, when the world of Pleasantville changes forever. It's right after Chip (the beautiful Paul Walker) makes out with Mary Sue (Reese Witherspoon) in his car. He looks over at the rose bush beside the driveway and sees colour for the first time ever. One beautiful deep RED rose.
Theologians across the internet think of this movie as a bit of a metaphor for the Garden of Eden and the "perfect" world of Pleasantville being disrupted by the "sex-crazed" Mary Sue. (I don't recommend you go googling and looking for that, because, well, it's all BAD Mary Sue, bad!) Anyway... the reason this scene keeps coming to me, has little to do with religion and a lot to do with being AWAKENED to and aware of certain realities all around us. (Which, some might argue, is kind of what happened in the Garden of Eden also, so... po-TAY-toes - po-TAH-toes.)
For the past week, my social media pages have been blowing up with a new parenting video. Oh, you know the one. It's got everyone saying things like, "This is FANTASTIC!!", "I laughed and cried within 2 minutes!", and "The most awesome video I have ever seen."
Yes, I am talking about the new Similac Ad and their we-are-all-in-this-together "Sisterhood of Motherhood" and #sisterhoodunite campaign. (I don't have a sarcasm font, but if I did, I WOULD USE IT FOR THAT HASHTAG!) It's been a while since I have written anything about formula advertising, but I think I still get the gist of how they do things. Oh so fucking subtly.
Tracy over at Evolutionary Parenting broke it down for everyone, first on her Facebook page and then in this post:
“Go back and watch this ad and see which one group doesn’t actually insult anyone else. Which group is simply the brunt of attacks? Whereas which groups are the meanest?
If you couldn’t guess, the formula feeders don’t actually insult anyone (outside of one remark, not about breastfeeding, but in response to an attack on them). They are simply the punching bag for the breastfeeders who are totally antagonistic. Just as the babywearers are also some of the ruder ones. (Anyone see an anti-AP stance going here too?) Dads are stereotypically funny and into boobs (because we shouldn’t take them seriously should we, but they are likable presumably because they’re using formula – after all, what about the kind dads who are just having fun, what will they feed their babies?).
At the end of the day, this ad is about making sure that if you are someone who speaks up for breastfeeding, you are the “meanie”. ”
And before anyone starts in on why breastfeeding didn't work for them, or why formula feeding was their choice, or wasn't because they didn't get the support they needed, please know that this post is not about that. And don't go telling me that this kind of advertisement doesn't actually work and people are smart enough to see it for what it is and not be swayed by it. Just STOP.
Wake up and see the roses, Pleasantville-ers! If advertising doesn't WORK, then no one would pay the Superbowl folks a dime for a 30 second spot during the game. If advertising doesn't work, then how on earth would we know if we are Pepsi or Coke drinkers? If advertising doesn't work, then why are you CRYING after watching a video about a bunch of stereotypes?
Advertising works BECAUSE it makes you FEEL something, whether you are consciously aware of it or not (preferably not) . And as we all know, nothing makes us feel more than our children and all the potential ways that we are completely messing up at this whole parenting gig! The folks at Similac know that too and they have capitalized on that and hashtagged the shit out of it. Because if you don't follow suit and line up all nicely with the "Sisterhood of Motherhood", you MUST be one of the meanies, right? And look, formula feeders are the nice ones and it doesn't matter because WE ARE ALL THE SAME and OH MY GOD, SOMEONE SAVE THE BABY!!!!
Do I even have to mention the flippant way that dads are included in this ad? One more stereotype of the father/buffoon, confused about boobs, of course. Or how about the LGBTQ parents off to the side, like they are somehow outsiders and observers of all the cis-hetero-normative folk getting all up in each others faces? GAH! So much of this video is just so freaking WRONG and I am shocked at how everyone keeps calling it "brilliant" and "groundbreaking" and how it is sending us all a great message about parenting.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am all over the "it takes a village" philosophy of parenting, and my children and I have benefited from the many people who have made up ours over the years. I guess I just don't want or need anyone, let alone a formula manufacturer, defining what that village looks like or is called, especially when we all know that they aren't doing it purely out of the goodness of their hearts.
You can like that video. You can share it all over the internet. You can do whatever the hell you want. I am not YOUR mother. But, please, PLEASE, I am begging you, in this regard, and in many of the narratives that we are presented with in our daily consumption of media, listen to that little voice inside your head that may be saying, "Hmmmmm, why doesn't this sit quite right with me?". Let that little voice get a bit louder, don't believe all the hype, and understand the forces and motives behind big brands that make BILLIONS of dollars off of us, the silly, brain-dead consumer, living our pleasant little lives.
Our world is not in black and white, and it is up to us to open our eyes and SEE ALL THE COLOURS!
And I don't know about you, but like Chip, I am seeing a lot of RED right now!