space
I should really write something.
Like a post about Blissdom Canada and my first speaking gig. Or a post about the bullshit that is going on with Gamergate and the horrendous abuse that women in the gaming world continue to be subjected to. Or how my much younger and newly single cousin just showed me what Tinder is and OH MY GOD!! I am so thankful that I am not in the dating world right now. Or how I have the best friends ever, because upon learning of my first trip to Victoria, my friend Sarah sent me TEN texts in a row full of restaurant and shopping recommendations. Apparently, we will be eating non-stop for three days!
Instead of writing though, lately, I have been organizing. Tidying. De-cluttering. De-STUFF-ING. I came home from Blissdom and cleared out 50% of my wardrobe (and posted most of it HERE). Today I tackled the linen closet and shoes. The kids toys are an ongoing project and get done once every three months. There is just too much stuff. And we don't need it. All of this unused or just-in-case stuff just sits in closets and boxes and drawers and the case never arises? It has to go.
~~~~~
Did I mention that I started meditating regularly? I think I did. And I think this new practice of mine may be part of why I am feeling this need to clear space. Literally. And while I am clearing all of these spaces, I am noticing that I am starting to feel lighter. The mind is a wonderful thing and when we use it to actually become mindful of our everyday thoughts and behaviours, the perspective this can provide is... well, for lack of a better word, kind of mind-boggling.
What I have learned is that when I stopped telling myself the same, tired old story over and over about myself, that is when I start to see the kind of changes I want in my life. When I stopped saying "I am just an impulsive person", I stopped making impulsive choices. Be they about food, shopping, work-out trends, over-volunteering, etc... When I stopped thinking that people only wanted to talk to me/be my friend because I am a "fixer", I stopped feeling the need to fix everyone and was more able to just be with people and accept them as they accept me.
The kids are even starting to get in on this mindfulness business as well. They have asked if they can meditate with me (I've found a few nice bedtime guided meditation videos on Youtube) and we regularly practice mindful eating at the dinner table. This is as simple as just taking a bite of food, putting down your utensil, closing your eyes and chewing and really tasting your meal. Bite by bite until your body tells you it is full. And really, isn't this how we should eat and enjoy all of our meals?
~~~~~
I was reading about the meaning of Mercury being in retrograde this morning and came across this explanation:
Mercury retrograde gives us time to catch up with ourselves, and reflect. Something from the past returns in a different form. People, ideas or buried insights that are keys to moving forward, float to the surface. Often it's felt as a slowed down, contemplative time, and depending on the sign, a chance to go over old ground again, to claim what you missed the first time.
Mercury has been in retrograde since October 4th and that seems to coincide with all of what I have been feeling and contemplating since I returned from my trip to Ontario. I've slowed down. I've needed this time to catch up with myself. I've cleared my spaces and perhaps after this weekend (Mercury moves out of retrograde on the 25th), I'll be ready to get all of those words and ideas floating to the surface once again.
I know this is a weird post and I swear, I had no idea where it was going when I sat down and typed that first sentence. But here is where I am. Breathing, clearing space, making room for all that is to come.
Namaste my friends.
N~
this is six: the reboot
Six years ago to the minute (it is now 8:55 PM), after about 7 hours of labour, I was fully dilated and about to start pushing. By 9:05 pm, I had delivered my second child, a girl. Our perfect, full-term, straight to the breast, easy-peasy girl. When my husband first told me that she was a girl, I felt two things. Panic and complete and utter surprise.
And then panic again.
How was I going to raise a girl? I only know boy stuff. I have a house full of boy stuff. I know how to change boy diapers. I can DO boy. And I fully expected to be doing all that boy stuff again with our second one - hence the surprise part of my feelings.
Under the surprise and the joy was the panic though. That first night, she latched on to my breast within 45 minutes of being born and only came off for a quick wipe down and check by the nurses. She suckled all night long (her big brother had kept my supply going throughout my pregnancy so there was no real waiting for my milk to come in). And while she did, I stared at her. I stared and marvelled and traced every inch of her tinyness and fell in love.
And yet, the panic was still there.
It wasn't so much the logistics of caring for a newborn girl baby that had me all tied up in knots (although the amount of dirty diaper wiping needed for girl babies versus boy babies is vastly under-reported in all the baby books!), it was the whole concept of RAISING a girl in this world that had me feeling ALL the anxiety. It was the feeling of being a previously (and most likely still) slightly broken girl raising another girl. That first night, all the thoughts of what her life would be consumed me. I thought of how I was going to manage to not pass on to her all of my own issues with self-esteem and self-worth? Of how I would be able to help her navigate a world that automatically sees her as an other, just for being born a girl? Of how I was going to be able to help her through the mean girl years - teaching her both how to not be one and how not be picked on by one? But mostly, I thought of how this was the universe telling me that what goes around comes around. That she was going to be my mini-me and I had better be prepared for that.
Dear Universe. I do so hate it when you are right.
She is a mini me.
Except, it's in all the best ways possible.
And while I still panic every now and then about raising my daughter in this messed up world of ours, it is somewhat less than what it was on that first day when I held her and stared at her for 24 hours straight. Not because our world is any less messed up than it was then, but because I am. And because I am fixing the broken parts of me, the ones that tell me that I am not good enough, not strong enough, not {insert ingrained pattern of belief here) enough, I am in turn raising a girl child whom I hope will never internalize those kinds of beliefs about herself.
At six years old, my own world came crashing down around me as my parents split up. No one was able to tell me why in a way that made sense to my then six-year old brain, and the messages about myself that I have carried with me ever since have been ones of low self-worth and un-lovableness. It is hard to unlearn 30-plus years of patterned beliefs about one's self. BUT... Because I see so much of myself when I look at my daughter now, in those hard parenting moments {and in the good ones too}, I get to stop and think of what six-year old me needed to hear those very many years ago and say those things to my own child.
I want the words that my daughter hears me speak to and about her now, to become the voice that she hears in her head as she grows up.
Loving words. Forgiving words. Kind words.
That is my birthday wish for her today and all her days.
My beautiful life lesson.
My gift from the Universe.
My girl.
XO,
n~
Feminist Fare Friday: The Justice Edition
There is a theme and perhaps a lesson in today's selection of posts from the femisphere. For some reason, this concept depicted above has always made sense to me when it comes to child-rearing. It has been especially driven home this week in regards to feminism and racism and the concept of true social justice versus the constant 'equality for all' rhetoric. So, go grab your afternoon latte and have a read.
~~~~~~~~~
By now you've probably seen the video of Emma Watson's compelling UN speech launching the new #HeforShe campaign. It's pretty good. A young woman, using her voice, her fame, and her privilege, to bring light to the oppression of women all over the world, to bring feminism into more of the mainstream conversation. This is all good. There was something missing though... I did share the video on my social media sites and applaud Ms. Watson's efforts, but it wasn't until I read this article from Mia McKenzie of Black Girl Dangerous that I was finally able to put my finger on what that missing piece was. Emma invites men of the world to "to take up this mantle. So their daughters, sisters, and mothers can be free from prejudice…", and Mia points out why this is a flawed way of looking at the issues of equality.
~~~~~
As a white, cis-gendered, middle-class feminist woman, I have quite a few innate privileges in my world. And I am not going to lie, when I get told that I am doing feminism wrong, when I hear that I am just another white feminist spouting off from her position of privilege, I sometimes get defensive. My instinct is to scream my ally-ship to the four corners of the world, and say the dreaded words, #notallwhitefeminists!
But I don't.
Because of people like Brittney Cooper and her ability to take a complex topic like the future of feminism, break it down, and make me almost spit out my morning tea while reading her words. Words that somewhat mirror what I have said before about changing the game/playing field, but in a much more succinct and eloquent way. There is a reason her Twitter handle is @ProfessorCrunk, this woman is a capital E educator and I am the white girl geek sitting in the front row, mouth shut, ears wide open!
~~~~~
Ever feel like you have the same conversation with people, over and over and over again? OK, I have a 5 and a 7-year old, so this happens daily in my life, and it is less of a conversation, and more of me reminding them of the basics like socks and teeth brushing and please don't put [insert disgusting thing here] in your mouth or on your sister/brother. In all seriousness though, how would you feel if every day you had to be the one to explain to people the basics of human decency? Anne Thériault of The Belle Jar and Lily Tsui of Scantilly Clad, two Canadian feminists (yes, Toronto Star, they do exist!), have come together to bring you a compelling post looking at the parallels between the oftentimes explanatory conversations about feminism and racism.
~~~~~
That is some pretty heavy material for today, so I will leave you with your thoughts. Or you can share them with me in the comments too.
Have a great weekend!
N~
If you build her....
Where are all the feminists?
~~~~~
What was it that Kevin Costner heard whispered to him in that baseball movie? Oh, right. "If you build it, they will come."*
Well, apparently, according to Heather Mallick at the Toronto Star; Canada needs to get on with building itself a better, more prominent/famous** feminist. Because apparently, there are none, NONE, in this vast country of ours.
Now granted, earlier this week Heather sat in a sold out crowd, watching PROMINENT British humourist and feminist, Cailtin Moran, do her schtick and promote her new book, How to Build a Girl, hot on the heels of the best-selling success of her 2011 book, How to be a Woman. Heather's enthusiasm and desire for a loud, in your face, this is the best time to be a woman, empowerment for all, ra-rah feminist is not surprising, Moran's wit and humour can be very infectious. I myself have had a bad case of Moran-itis in the past and thankfully, so very, very thankfully, have developed an immunity to it. So, I am going to give Heather a bit of a break, due to a possible fever and some delirium post-Moran, so to speak.
Because Canada does indeed have some very effective, and somewhat famous, feminists living and working and doing the hard job of actually BEING a feminist in our country and I have the great honour of being friends with some of them!
We have feminists like Annie from Phd in Parenting being asked to write for the NY Times. We have feminists like Lyndsay Kirkham, with her giant head, and outing of the continued misogynist culture in the tech world, being featured on The View. There is Danielle Paradis, whose a regular contributor at Policy Mic and whose writing has been published, well, pretty much everywhere (but, hmmm... not so much by many Canadian media outlets). We have feminists working to end violence against women, we have feminists working hard to pressure our government into making formal inquiries into missing and murdered indigenous women in our country, we have feminists who are raising the bar for everyone in the fight against street harassment.
What we don't have is a token "rock star" feminist. We don't have a Caitlin Moran telling/yelling at everyone, "If you have a vagina and want to be in charge of it, you are a feminist!" We don't have a Beyoncé with her glowing giant proclamation of FEMINIST behind her at the VMAs, we don't have an distinctively Canadian iconic feminist similar to Gloria Steinem, passing the torch to the younger generation and the next wave of feminism.
The thing is, I don't think we should have just one go-to feminist. That in and of itself is problematic. No one person can encompass all of the differences and intersections and individuals that make up modern day feminism. I can hear the critics now, "But Natasha, why not? Feminism just means equality for all and if we are all on the same team, why can't we have a team captain?" Because. We can't. No one person will experience and practice feminism exactly the same as the next. My white, cis-gendered, middle class feminism, is not the same as that of a person of colour or indigenous woman, it is not the same as a new immigrant's feminism and it is not the same as a LGBTQ person's feminism. It would be selfish, extremely self-centered, and irresponsible of me or any one feminist to claim to speak for or represent all feminists in Canada. What we can do though, is speak of our experiences and create a feminist collective. What I can do is speak about my life experiences, give my opinions within my frame of reference and when I can, amplify the stories of others to the audience I have and on the platforms that I have built for myself.
And that right there is the round about long way of coming by the simple answer to the question that Heather Mallick originally asked. "Why can't Canada build a prominent/famous** feminist?" Because Heather, most of the mainstream media in Canadian, does not really care to bother themselves with us. Canadian feminists for the most part are doing their work, being advocates and activists, and getting the message out via personal blogs and Facebook groups and grass-roots, non-profit, academic and non-academic organizations. They are doing their feminist work by being an example for and influencing, either directly or indirectly, people in their families and in their communities (online and IRL), their groups of friends, their children and their children's friends too. And that kind of feminism is just not that flashy and in-your-face, it is not the firebrand-rock-star-famous-making kind of feminism and therefore not usually deemed worthy of any kind of serious media attention.
Just like there is no one way to be a feminist, even though many will try to tell you otherwise, there is no one Canadian feminist that can lead us to the great land of milk and equality. Collectively though, we are a force, we may not be a nationally or internationally recognized one, we many not have best-selling books and go around telling folks that "I literally couldn't give a shit about it" and have an I'll be as crude and ableist and transphobic as I please attitude about one's feminism, we choose the more polite, inclusive and distinctively Canadian way. We pick ourselves up by our bootstraps (we all have boots) and get to doing the work that needs doing in whatever way we can. Not for the glory and the fame...
Because it is the right thing to do. And because as this GoodReads reviewer puts it in her analysis of How to Be a Woman,
Feminism doesn't need to be rock and roll, it's much better than that.
Cheers,
A not very famous Canadian Feminist doing her part.
(AND who would definitely consider a nationally syndicated column in which I could feature and profile our collective Canadian feminist voices. I'm just saying...)
~~~~~
What do you think?
Who are your favourite Canadian Feminists?
Please share your answers here and on Twitter with the hashtags #canfem and #BraveCanadianFeminist
*The actual quote from Field of Dreams is "If you build it, HE will come."
**The original title of the Toronto Star article was "Why can't Canada build a feminist?" and after much backlash online, the editors changed it to read, "Why can't Canada build a famous feminist?"
Sharing is nice.
Sometimes I like to share new things that I find with everyone. This is one of those times.
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These are quite possibly the most comfortable and flattering (on anyone) dresses I have ever owned. I have this one that I have worn at least 3 times since it arrived in my mailbox a week and a half ago and another one on the way! They have pockets that fit your phone/keys, come in great colours and patterns, and are made in the USA in small batches by a women-run company. I could go on and on, but really, just check out their website and get yourself one. I promise, you won't be disappointed. I only wish I had gotten this red one in my size before it sold out :(
Poppy King is The Lipstick Queen and in her own words,
"FOR ME, NOTHING IS AS GLAMOROUS OR AS EMPOWERING AS LIPSTICK.
It doesn’t just brighten up my face, it fires up my confidence, making me feel like I can take on the world! My mission is to help you feel the same way! Ever since I fell in love with the transformational power of a simple slick of lipstick, I’ve been obsessed with finding the perfect textures and shades to express every facet of a woman’s personality. There’s a lipstick for every mood, every occasion and every outfit and I am devoted to helping you find them.
So stick with me and my lipstick will stick with you!
Like Poppy, lately I too have been on the hunt for the perfect red lipstick shade that will work for me. I tried MAC, I tried Bobby Brown and then I went to my favourite local store, LUX Beauty Boutique, and was introduced to Lipstick Queen. And just like that, I have suddenly become a lipstick girl. Which my kids think is hilarious and have started insisting that I kiss them on the cheek to leave my lip marks on them.
I opted to get the Discovery Kit with three shades in it (Retail price $54.00 CDN) and I love all of them. The lipsticks are more of a mix between a gloss and a full coverage lipstick and don't feel overwhelming for a lipstick newbie like me. The Medieval shade is their universal red and I bought the red liner too, so I can intensify it for more of an evening look when I want to. I think the new red lips kind of go with all the fall leaves changing colours around here too.
Consignment Store Shopping
In the past week, I have shopped at two different consignment stores. While this is not really a big deal, it was a new thing for me. I usually like my new clothes or shoes fresh of the shelves with the perfect fold creases still on them or that distinctive "new" smell to them. I was getting frustrated by not being able to find a nice fall jacket anywhere, I remembered a friend telling me about the consignment store where she got her jacket last year and decided to check it out. While I didn't find a jacket that day, I did find a great Guinevere by Free People sweater for $34.00. Two days later at another store I scored a practically brand new pair of MizMooz booties and a turquoise Matt&Nat purse, and spent under $75.00 for both. Lesson learned; one woman's "not quite me anymore" is another's "these are PERFECT and half the price"!
My 10 minute morning meditation video.
I have been doing this thing where I choose one new habit to work on every week. Last week it was waking up 1/2 hour earlier than usual and doing some mediation and/or a quick workout before the rest of my family wakes up. I am happy to report that 4/5 days I did in fact get up and do this and already this week getting up earlier doesn't feel like a struggle. I found this quick guided meditation video on Youtube (it was literally the first one on the search list) and I liked it and it has now become my new way to welcome the day and get going.
~~
XO,
natasha~
rocket science
Momentum. In physics it is defined as the property or tendency of a moving object to continue moving. In life, and figuratively, momentum can refer to the tendency of a person or group to repeat recent success. And in both, it can come to an abrupt stop when a large obstacle is placed in front of the moving object and it can be difficult to regain that momentum again.
This in how I have been feeling lately. Like I just can't get my momentum back. I feel like I am free-falling like Sandra Bullock in Gravity, floating and spinning in space with no way to get back to the space station. Basically, I need George Clooney to tether me and tell me what to do.
(Okay, so I don't really need George to tell me what to do, but as I type this, I suddenly see a whole new internet meme starting...)
At one point in the movie, when telling her about the re-entry vessel, George says to Sandra, "You just point the damned thing at Earth and go. It is not rocket science."
This summer we had a huge obstacle placed in front of us and normal life stopped. Thankfully, we all made it through that time and are now getting back to normal, but it is a new normal for all of us. There is a weird kind of comfort to being in hospital and having that cocoon of professionals and therapy schedules and routines protecting everyone from the real world. And then one day, you are officially 'discharged" and forced out of that cocoon to figure out how to fly on your own with your new wings. The rush and excitement and anxiety of getting ready for back to school and then the actual getting back to school has passed. Our new routines, the kids new activities and our new normals are starting to establish themselves in our lives. And yet, *I* still feel untethered.
A lot of my life feels like it is in auto-pilot and while I am doing all the things that need doing, I am not necessarily doing them, to use a term both my therapist and my yoga teacher like to use a lot, MINDFULLY. I get up, I get everyone ready for school, I drive them to school, I do the errands, I pick up the kids from school and take them to activities, I make dinner, I clean up, I do laundry, I watch TV/play Candy Crush/read, I go to bed. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I am finding it difficult to switch off that dial that has been on at full strength for the past four months. You know, the 'take care of all the things and all the people' one. Granted, as a mother, it is one that is never fully off, but I think I have to figure out how to at least dial it down a bit and turn up the one beside it called "take care of YOU". The trick is actually doing that and then not feeling guilty about it. Because the thing is, while I still have a role as mom and protector and wife and home-keeper to do, I have a larger role as Natasha too. And without her, all those other roles can't and won't be done with any sense of fulfilment and joy.
So.
Even though my momentum and personal growth journey may have come to a hard stop a few months ago due to circumstances beyond my control, now it is time to get going again. To pick up where things stopped and start/continue moving again.
Because George is right.
Okay George, whatever you say.
n~
Under the bridge
When you combine a voice like sweet honey and words that, without fail, reach deep, deep into your soul, you get the incomparable, spoken word poet, Shane Koyczan. His latest release is heart-stirring, beautiful, haunting and so utterly true. Especially for those of us who live parts of our lives online.
Here it is. "Trolls" by Shane Koyczan...
[youtube width="650" height="400"]http://youtu.be/670if6Etx0o[/youtube]
In Shane's words and on the power of our words:
“It's sad to think that we live in a world where so many are careless with their words, or still do not realize that the things they say have weight. Hiding behind invented identities doesn't free anyone to behave inhumanly... any more than wearing a mask grants someone the right to impose physical abuse on another. I've received thousands of letters asking me to address this issue, and have been very reluctant to speak up because I didn't want to draw the attention to myself. I then remembered being in school, and the pattern of silence that gave others quiet permission to continue torturing myself and others. We live in a society that asks us to keep quiet... to allow the world to spin unimpeded. Our silence is a commercial for a peace that will never be achieved unless we do speak up... unless we stand in the way of fear and hate showing others that there is a path that leads away from tyranny. We choose who we allow into our lives... we can choose who to evict.”
To find out more about Shane and when he may be performing in a city near you, check out his website!
n~
willow
I have this beautiful girl in my life. She is my constant. She loves me like no one else, is always happy to see me and somehow knows just what to do whenever I am feeling blue. She is my companion, my protector, my goof, my comfort and yes, sometimes my headache too. And since the very first day that we met, and she put her head on my lap and looked at me with those big brown eyes, she set up camp in my heart and has occupied it without fail every day of her life. This week marks the tenth year of that life and of our lives together.
This is my Willow.
~~~~~
We didn't know her when she was this teeny, but look at what a cutie she was. The runt of her litter, with what our breeder called a bit of an anxiety issue (which she still has), we fell in love with her the day we met her at 12 weeks old and two weeks later, we brought her home with us.
Then the fun started. Crate training, puppy school, 2 AM pee-pee walks and that time when we woke up in the middle of the night and panicked because we couldn't find her - she was stuck under our bed. You know, regular new dog parent stuff. Then, there was that other time when I went to work and she chewed her way out of her metal crate and proceeded to pee and poop on the floor in front of my desk in my home office, as if she was telling me how NOT cool it was to leave her.
She came on road trips to the mountains and hiked our favourite trails with us. She learned how to swim in a river in B.C. and then we couldn't get her out of any body of water, EVER! She had a boyfriend across the back alley who was the biggest and most beautiful Bernese Mountain dog you have ever seen and the sight of them playing together and then spooning and cuddling after they had tuckered themselves out is still one of my favourite memories of all time.
She used to like to sleep in very um... interesting positions.
When I was pregnant with my first child and on bed rest, she became VERY protective of me and would always stand/sit/lay down between me and anyone else coming to the door or visiting. And when we finally brought home the baby, would do the same with him. She was and has always been very gentle with her little people. Her name was my daughter's first word, besides Mama and Dada.
She knows she dropped some on the totem pole with the arrival of each kid, but she also knows that she is now loved beyond compare by twice as many humans. Two more bi-pedals to walk and run with her, to throw the ball with her and to rub her belly for her. Yes, they dress her up every now and then, but this is the price you pay for being so loveable and so loved.
She is our family dog, but let's be honest, she is mine and I am hers and we all know it. I am the one whose side of the bed she wants to sleep on. I am the one who gets the jumping up and down crazy paws dance when it is time for a walk, I am the one who gives her ear medicine when she needs it and then all the treats and puppy massages afterwards. I am the one she cries for whenever I have to leave her anywhere (sorry doggie daycare workers and pet groomers and people outside the cafe while I get a coffee for our morning walks) and I am the one whose lap she jumps on to at the vet.
I am her mommy and she is my baby and if that makes me some kind of crazy dog lady than so be it! Because there is nothing in the world that is like the unconditional love of a dog. And this one, she loves me. And I love her. How else do you explain my willingness to go for a walk with her in -40° C in the middle of an Alberta winter?
Happy Birthday my girl!
Mama loves you.
n~