For future reference.

If you are a regular reader of my blog, you know that I do a weekly round-up of what I like to call "Feminsit Fare" on Fridays. I post interesting and thought provoking articles I have read, videos I have seen, and information I think you will like or that will further our conversations about feminism and motherhood and life. Today, I am collecting posts together in this space for another reason. These pieces are about feminism, misogyny, terrorism, murder, derailing important conversations, and hashtag activism. I have been sharing most of these posts on my Facebook pages and if you haven't figured it out already, they are pieces that have been written or recorded in response to the murderous attack planned and executed by Elliot Rodger in the Isla Vista community in Santa Barbara, California.

And I am saving them all here, because here is the hard truth...

We will need to refer to them again in the future. 

Violence against women is a systematic problem in our world and until and unless a MUCH larger majority of us are willing to DRASTICALLY change that system, this violence will continue. I hate to write this, but there are other Elliot Rodgers out there, just like Elliot Rodger was another George Sodini and George Sodini was another Marc Lepine. Young men growing up in a world of toxic masculinity believing that they are entitled to their prize - a hot woman to have sex with. And denied this prize, they resort to violence to "prove themselves" to the world or to exhort a kind of retribution for being slighted.

Today in a separate Twitter conversation with another young man on the topic of breastfeeding in public, I was called a "relentless feminist". I am 100% sure he meant it as an insult. I did not take it as one.

Because I AM relentless in this. I will never stop trying to change this system. I will never be quiet in the face of oppression and misogyny and violence against women and women's rights. I will amplify the voices of my peers, female and male, who are speaking larger truths that we all need to really listen to and I will keep a chronicle of them all here...

For future reference.

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Jessica Valenti writing for The Guardian about how yes, misogyny does indeed kill.

If we need to talk about this tragic shooting in terms of illness, though, let's start with talking about our cultural sickness – a sickness that refuses to see misogyny as anything other than inevitable

Jenni Chui writing at Mommy Nani Booboo about the #YESALLWOMEN hashtag.

Though Elliot Rodgers is an extreme case, the entitlement he expresses mirrors a large societal ill, and has spurred women by the hundreds of thousands to speak up about how it affects them and yes, all women.

Chuck Wendig writing at terribleminds that while it is of course, not all men, it still if far too many.

Show them by cleaning the dogshit out of your ears and listening to their stories — and recognize that while no, it’s not “all men,” it’s still “way too many men.” Consider actually reading the #YesAllWomen hashtag on Twitter not to look for places to interject and defend your fellow men, but as a place to gain insight and understanding into the experiences women have. 

Harris O'Malley writing at Paging Dr. Nerdlove about the price of toxic masculinity.

This is what happens when we grow up in a culture that teaches men that hypermasculinity is what defines them. It tells them that they’re only as good as the sex that they’re having or the ass that they’re kicking. It teaches them that being rejected isn’t a sign of a lack of compatibility or a need to improve but a referendum on their value as a man. That they’re being robbed of what they’re owed.

Laci Green's video about this culture of angry, entitled men is quite powerful and worth a watch.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPFcspwbrq8&feature=share&list=PLTXiNEUzXWKTfNYKThSk-kmJdf7AJRP5K[/youtube]

Phil Plate writing at Slate discussing how and why derailing this potentially system-changing conversation occurs and how unhelpful it is.

Instead of being defensive and distracting from the topic at hand, try staying quiet for a while and actually listening to what the thousands upon thousands of women discussing this are saying.

Lindsay Beyerstein writing at Duly Noted about why Elliot Rodger is in fact a terrorist fighting a War on Women.

By any meaningful standard, Rodger planned and executed a terrorist attack. He orchestrated the violence for maximum symbolic impact and took steps to disseminate his message through the mass media.

(updated on May 29, 2014)

Jeopardy Champion Arthur Chu writing at The Daily Beast discussing the "script" that most nerdy boys grow up with.

...the overall problem is one of a culture where instead of seeing women as, you know, people, protagonists of their own stories just like we are of ours, men are taught that women are things to “earn,” to “win.” That if we try hard enough and persist long enough, we’ll get the girl in the end. Like life is a video game and women, like money and status, are just part of the reward we get for doing well.

Madeleine Davies at Jezebel writing about being not an angry feminist, but a furious one.

And I'm still angry, still furious. I'm furious that growing up, I wasn't allowed to do the same things that my brother did because it wasn't safe for me. I'm furious that my parents ingrained in me from a very young age that I should never wear heels because I should always be ready to run at a moment's notice. I'm furious that walking alone at night feels more like an act of rebellion than a simple act of transit.

(updated, June 1, 2014)

Melissa McEwan at Shakesville writing about "the geek guys Elliot Rodgers think pieces" and how they are still getting it wrong.

And one of the things I'm seeing over and over in these pieces, despite their ostensibly being about how acknowledging women's humanity and agency is important, is a distinct failure to acknowledge women as anything but the sex class. That is, there is very little discussion about how straight men should and do have other reasons for interacting with women than trying to have sex with them.

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I know more will be written about this in the days to come and I will continue to add to this list. If you have read something that you think needs to be here please post the link in the comments.

Relentlessly,

natasha~

Cleaning out the draft folder: a year of random posts started, but not finished

Words were just not coming to me today, so I decided to go check on the 20+ posts I had sitting in my drafts folder. Some where just junk, a few words jotted down, an idea come and gone. Others I think could have been really good, but fizzled for one reason or another. Here is a sampling of some of those "could have been" posts from the last year....

..........

Nothing makes me feel more weak and useless than when my body is rebelling against me. I know that this is part of living with a chronic disease, but trust me, it doesn't make it any easier. This past month has been particularly tough. All the things that I want to do, the things that make me feel good and happy and calm and centered, are all things that I can't do right now. There has been no yoga, no personal training, no spin classes.

My knees have made an executive decision to be royally effed-up right now and they are taking the whole system down with them. It's been a while since I have had such a long flare of my Rheumatoid Arthritis and all my coping methods seem to have left on some tropical vacation and didn't tell me they were going away!

Bitches.

(may, 2013)

..........

L -"Mommy, do boys want to be beautiful?"

Me -"Of course, honey, everyone is beautiful in their own unique way."

L -"Mommy, do boys want to be responsible for their kids?"

Me -"Yes, daddies and mommies are both responsible for looking after their kids."

L -"Mommy, do daddies want to eat their kids brains?"

Me - "Ummm.....only if they are zombies."

These are the types of conversations I am having lately with my almost 5 year old daughter.

She is an observant little thing and notices everything around her.

Observations about  a woman in full burka. "Look mama, a ninja girl" Observations about a boy with Cerebral Palsy. "He has cool robot legs"

(july, 2013)

..........

As of this week I have one child in grade one and one in kindergarten. According to everyone, everywhere, I should be an emotional wreck of a mother right about now. Crying and wailing as my babies leave me and I realize that I won't be there if they fall and scrape their knees, if someone says something to hurt their feelings or if they need help doing ANYTHING!

The thing is, I am not that mother. Not anymore.

The past few mornings at school as my daughters class lines up to go inside, there are a couple of kids who just don't really get the routine just yet. This is totally understandable, it's their first week, it's all new to everyone and it's a bit of a zoo in the mornings as everyone rushes in after the first bell rings. As I looked over to one mama I know, I could see the tension in her face and I asked her what was wrong?

"Oh, its just {kid's name here}, she is so spaced out and distracted about everything."

I grabbed this mom by the shoulders and I said, "YOU need to relax. She is feeding off of your energy and if she sees you calm and focused, she is going to get there too."

And there you have it Mamas (and daddies). If there is one lesson of parenting that I can impart to this world it is this.

Take a deep breath, slow your anxious heart rate and CALM THE FUCK DOWN!!

(september, 2013)

..........

I feel like the human race has lost its way.

That we are de-evolving as a species.

That Skynet or something like it is not that distant a reality if we are not careful.

The internet makes us all next door neighbours and it is harder and harder to live in our safe little bubbles when we can easily access each others bubbles 24/7. Our social networks make it hard to hide our indiscretions, our little (or big) faux pas of life, our oops moments and all those things that people used to say "behind closed doors" are now out there, for everyone to hear/read/watch.

It also makes it hard for people to hide their racism, their sexism, their ageism, their sizism... all the ISMs really. And I am not sure that we actually have MORE of it now then we have had in the past, I just think that we are FACED with it more each and every day via Facebook, or Twitter, or whatever other means of social networking people are using. And since we all know that the internet is forever, so to is everyone's memory of that time you totally wore "blackface" for Halloween and didn't get why that was such a big deal. Or that time you texted a picture of your penis to a much younger woman behind your wife and your constituents backs. Or that time you actually made a hashtag called #whitegirlsrock, in response to one called #blackgirlsrock because... I can't even think of a reason why?

I am pretty convinced that most of the world has been living in somewhat of a delusional state for quite a while now. Slavery was abolished, women got the vote, everyone has a Pride Parade these days and fat girls can even make it on the cover of fashion magazines. It's all good. No need to fight for anything anymore, the world is just hunky-dory.

Yeah, right...

(november, 2013)

..........

I spent 2 hours glued to my couch on Sunday night to watch the finale of the 27th season of Survivor. It was kind of a done deal for this season's winner, Tyson O, but I watched nonetheless, as I have every season for the past 13 years.

And because I have watched Survivor for over a decade, I kinda GET this show. I get how you play it and I get how you win it. I have a visceral response to EVERY tribal council and my body actually shakes uncontrollably. It's weird, I know.

This week's final tribal council was an interesting one to watch. Tyson, Monica and Gervase gave their final speeches to the seven voted-out jury members and they in turn asked their questions of the final three. What I found interesting were the questions that everyone was asking of Monica. At least three of the jury members asked Monica to reveal something vulnerable, something REAL and authentic about herself and her game play. I admit that it was a bit painful to watch her struggle to answer these questions. At one point she asked everyone, "Have you all never met a nice person?"

And so, this got me thinking, what does a nice person look like? Sound like?

And when we do see one of these strange beings, why are we so leery of them?

(december, 2013)

..........

I went to a yoga class this morning at my friend Mandy's studio. It is this small, peaceful, perfect space and myself and five other ladies had a wonderful yoga practice together. The energy that flows from Mandy is serene and this morning's practice was one of those things that I didn't really know I needed until it was over.

It is amazing what opening up your body physically can do to your mind and opening it up as well. So today, I am open to possibility, to wonder and to listening to my own needs and giving myself what I need to be a better human being for those who need me.

(may, 2014)

..........

I had no new words today, but I do have some very pretty flowering trees blooming in my yard and that makes me happy!

Newness  will come when it is ready.

natasha~

Feminist Fare Friday: Edition #25

I have that damn Friday song in my head! Which is a good and bad thing. It's good because, YAY! IT'S FRIDAY and bad because, OMG! that song. Either way, here's some of what I read this week that made me think. (Which is not what that damn song does!)

~~~~~~~~~~

1. Ready for another round of which Hollywood starlet wants you to know that she is definitely NOT a feminist and LOVES all the mens? Yeah, me neither, but you know, stupid sells. With some notable NOT stupid feminist actresses stepping up to the plate.

The actress Amy Poehler, 42, told Elle earlier this year: “Some big actors and musicians feel like they have to speak to their audience and that word is confusing to their audience. But I don’t get it. That’s like someone being like, ‘I don’t really believe in cars, but I drive one every day and I love that it gets me places and makes life so much easier and faster and I don’t know what I would do without it.’ ”

~~~~~

2. Get into any kind of conversation about rape culture or feminism/anti-feminism or sexism or misogyny and you are going to hear from at least ONE person (usually male) tell you that NOT ALL MEN think/act/believe THAT way. For a brief history of every dudes favourite argument (and perhaps it's signalling of some kind of positive shift for SOME men), please read the following from Jess Zimmerman at TIME.

It’s true that previous derailment favorites like “patriarchy hurts men too” were paraphrases in a way that “not all men” is not. The demand is the same — “please move me to the center of your discussion” — but “not all men” is, in many cases, straight from the horse’s mouth; even an amateur Reddit spelunker can turn up plenty of sulky or defensive uses of the phrase.

~~~~~

3. When Hip Mama magazine tried to publish it's latest edition with a photo of artist Ana Alvarez-Errecalde's breastfeeding her son on it's cover, the backlash was swift. It showed us just how far we have NOT come in our efforts to normalize images of breasts performing their primary function - breastfeeding. Vendors refused to carry the magazine in their stores and (not surprisingly) Facebook banned the photo multiple times from multiple accounts. Please read the following from Ariel Gore, the editor of Hip Mama, about what happened next.

Violence towards women begins with the repression of sexuality, the appropriation of childbirth, the interference with all vital cycles and the creation of manipulative roles. A negated mother will also negate her body and her presence to her children, so they will all ultimately conform to our unattended, unloved, and unnourished society. 

~~~~~

4. Last Thursday was the end of this season's Grey Anatomy and the end of the era of Cristina Yang. I have watched this show since its beginning and have always been invested in the lives of these characters and the choices that they make for themselves. And it wasn't until Cristina uttered those final lines to Meredith last week that the full scope of what this show has done for women (and perhaps even for me) really hit me.

"Don't let what he wants eclipse what you need;

He's very dreamy, but he's not the sun.

You are the sun."

I just loved these lines; they perfectly define the secondary roles we adopt because we have been conditioned to think this is normal, natural. Women are malleable, and so, we sacrifice because we think we want to. It's easier, isn't it, to just go along with the unspoken rules?

~~~~~

4. And finally, the video "Hugs" by JC Little is pretty much the best thing on the internet this week!

[youtube]http://youtu.be/SHFhepoy-Rs[/youtube]

~~~~~

"HUGS" everyone!

Have a great weekend.

n~

Feminist Fare Friday: Edition #24

Ah! May long weekend! I don't know about you, but for me, this marks start of me feeling the beginnings of summer (even though I live in Alberta and it did briefly snow for a bit last week). It's a weekend of clearing out the closets, figuring out who needs new shoes and rubber boots and finally packing away all of the winter gear and getting the box of summer and outside play things ready for use! Before you get into spring cleaning/gardening/going camping mode, what better way to start your weekend than with some wonderful feminist food for thought.

Enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~

1. "Why aren't you happier?"  "You should smile more?"  "What have you got to be unhappy about?"

Ugh, so many questions. So many times directed mainly at women. Jessica Valenti breaks it down for us in this Guardian post about why women seem to be so "unhappy".

"Maybe the trade-off for having our eyes opened to inequality is feeling a little miffed about getting the short end of the stick. Dissatisfaction seems a fairly normal reaction to injustice."

~~~~~

2. It is prom time once again. You know, that time when teenage girls all across North America beg their mothers for a custom made red taffeta strapless dress with layers & layers of tulle under it (or was that just me in the late 80's??). Seriously though, it's a special time of year for these students as they celebrate their scholarly achievements and a rather big transition in their young lives. And they get to dress up all fancy-like for it. For some though, what is supposed to be a wonderful night with friends can turn into a complete sexist shit-show, as it did for Clare last week when she was asked to leave her prom because of her non-dress-code violating sparkly dress and a bunch of ogling 45-year old dads who blamed a teenage girl for their own pervy-ness!

"I’m a tall and fairly curvy girl and you know something? I looked hot. Not trashy, but you definitely would look twice when I walked through a doorway. And you know what happened? I got kicked out of prom because of it."

~~~~~

3. This week was not a great one for women in positions of power. Which begs the question? Is all this "leaning in" really working out or are we still just telling women to play a {male} role in a world not set up for them? Soraya Chemaly examines this phenomenon in this Ms. Magazine article.

"Reading yesterday about the abrupt firing of Jill Abramson, the first woman at the New York Times, along with theresignation of Le Monde’s Natalie Nougayrède, was like watching a ripple of misogyny move through the air in slow motion. Similar, in fact, to watching the slow, then fast, build to AustralianPrime Minister Julia Gillard’s removal from office. There’s no way to examine these situations and ask, “Do women fear power and success?” Instead, the question is, “Why are powerful and successful women so feared?”"

~~~~~

4. The kidnapped Nigerian girls are still missing and the world is still talking about it (although the Solange V Jay-Z Elevator thing seemed to take centre stage this week). What the world needs to know is that Nigerian women, these African women are the reason, and will likely be the main reason, that these girls will eventually be found and rescued. Please read this powerful piece from Nobel Peace Laureate Leymah Gwobee.

"...the bravery of Nigerian women, who took to the streets to demand that the world pay attention. African women tend to be portrayed as victims — the raped, the suffering, the poor mothers of the poor girls. But across Africa, women are ending conflicts, reshaping governments and bringing attention to crucial issues. In this story, as in many others, they are the heroes."

~~~~~

Have a wonderful and restful long weekend everyone. At least that's my plan.

natasha~

A battle within: the stay at home mom vs the feminist.

Confession time. I am not always 100% on board with this whole "Stay at Home Feminist" thing.

I know, I know....

It's the name of my blog/Twitter/Instagram. I have claimed this moniker as ME. It is, as the marketing world calls it, "my personal brand". And yet, while I embrace this label that I have given myself and all the tongue-in-cheeky-ness that it implies, I have to be honest and admit that sometimes there exists within me a kind of battle of the two seemingly opposite sides of myself. As integrated as I think these two parts of me are, the "in-fighting" and negative self-talk that can happen from these two can be downright nasty at times.

The Stay-at-Home mother and housewife goes on and on about how I should DO more with the kids and around the house. More baking, more reading of books to the kids, more cleaning, more timely folding of the laundry, more crafts, less TV and iPads. She's can be a very demanding bitch and has obviously been spending way too much time on Pinterest, comparing all the way I am doing things to some kind of perfectly photoshopped vintage/retro/modern ideal of motherhood and housewifery.

And then there is the Feminist. She seeing things from a different angle and wants so much for a different world for her children. She gets upset that I am not doing more "active" activist work and wants me to find a way to "lean-in" and make some real changes for women in our world beyond just learning to play the game according to the current status quo. I know that there is a part of her that looks at the Stay-at-Home Mom and sneers at the level of privilege that she has and tells her that she just can't - absolutely CAN NOT - speak for other women who do not have it as good as she does.

Some, or all of these thoughts live together in my head at any given time and on any given day. Depending on the circumstances of the day, it can be an ugly battle that leaves me paralyzed with feelings of complete inadequacy in either role, or there can be an arbitrary truce and a certain level of acceptance that exists between the two.

I know what some of you are thinking, "Whoa there Natasha, how could YOU feel like this? You are supposed to be all, "Rah-rah-women can choose to do whatever they want-that's what Feminism is for!" and now your saying this? You are sending some serious mixed messages here! What is up with that?"

Let me try to explain.

A few weeks ago, I saw the CBC documentary "The Motherload". The film takes an in-depth and new look at the subject of working mothers - the current issues, challenges and triumphs that come from trying or having to do it all and that ever elusive utopian world called "work-life-balance". A lot of the film hinges on Anne-Marie Slaughter's 2012 article in The Atlantic in which she pointed out all the reasons "why women still can't have it all". While there were plenty of people who argued and disagreed with her take on this "motherload" phenomenon, I found most of her arguments compelling and very similar to my own.

"I still strongly believe that women can “have it all” (and that men can too). I believe that we can “have it all at the same time.” But not today, not with the way America’s economy and society are currently structured." 

Except I do not think it is just America's economy and society, it is our whole world. I have written about this before, about how there is no winning (read: having it all) in a game where one group of players has ALWAYS gotten a head start or where the playing field is always tipped in favour of one side.

One of the most strikingly true lines from the film is one from York University Women's Studies professor Andrea O'Reilly, in which she points out that "motherhood is the unfinished business of feminism." This statement is undoubtedly at the very core of a lot of the issues surrounding modern feminism today. And because most theories of feminism were based on the "unencumbered subject", I believe that this is why there exists this general feeling and misconception that feminism is done, that we've "arrived", and that there is no need for a continued movement towards equality for all women.

I need you to know that whether this is the third or fourth wave of feminism or modern feminism or whatever you want to call it, it is decidedly NOT done. And not just because women are not leaning in to more high profile corporate and political positions, but because we've been sold a version of equality that simply can not exist within the framework of our current society.

In the film, Slaughter says that she receives emails from women all the time who have some version of the same story that goes along the lines of "I had a promising career, I got married, I had children and then LIFE happened. I felt like such a failure, like I had betrayed my younger self." These sentiments gave me great pause while watching the film and made me think that we are doing a major disservice to our daughters and young women when we don't actively talk about motherhood as part of their life plans or career paths. Statements like the one above, obviously felt by many women, actually hurt my heart. And while I know that these women are not necessarily saying that becoming a mother was a failure, in our world that values the primacy of work and what we "do" versus who we are, motherhood just doesn't quite fit the bill of valuable work. Not only does it not compare to our paid work, women who are mothers are often penalized for this 'life happening' as well. In Ann Crittenden's 2001 book The Price of Motherhood, she points out that:

"We talk endlessly about the importance of family, yet the work it takes to make a family is utterly disregarded. This contradiction can be found in every corner of our society.

First, inflexible workplaces guarantee that many women will have to cut back on, if not quit, their employment once they have children. The result is a loss of income that produces a bigger wage gap between mothers and childless women than the wage gap between young men and women. This forgone income, the equivalent of a huge "mommy tax," is typically more than $1 million for a college-educated American woman."

and

"The idea that time spent with one's child is time wasted is embedded in traditional economic thinking. People who are not formally employed may create human capital, but they themselves are said to suffer a deterioration of the stuff, as if they were so many pieces of equipment left out to rust. The extraordinary talents required to do the long-term work of building human character and instilling in young children the ability and desire to learn have no place in the economists' calculations. Economic theory has nothing to say about the acquisition of skills by those who work with children; presumably there are none."

Not much has changed since she wrote that more than 12 years ago, except that now, not only is the pressure on for mothers to "lean in" and have it all at work, they are expected to be doing it all and doing it all FABULOUSLY at home too. If you are a women who had decided to stay at home with your children, it can sometimes feel like the pressure to be the "perfect" mother is just as great as the pressure to climb the corporate ladder and break the glass ceiling. From how to feed your baby, to what to put on their bums, what kind of school or 'un'school you choose, to what are considered 'essential' mommy and me classes, to getting a nanny or to sending them daycare, and for all the major and minor decisions made each and every day, motherhood has become a veritable rat-race in and of itself.

And in both the work and the home front women are paying an increasingly high price for being in these races. In Arianna Huffington's new book Thrive, she points out that,

"... women in highly stressful jobs have a nearly 40% increase risk of heart disease and heart attacks compared to thier less-stressed colleagues, and a 60 % greater risk for type 2 diabetes (a link that does not exist for men, by the way). Women who have heart attacks are almost twice as likely as men to die within a year of the attack, and women in high-stress jobs are more likely to become alcoholics than women in low-stress jobs."

The statistics are not that much brighter for mothers either, with upwards of 20% suffering from postpartum mood disorders. Katherine Stone of Post Partum Progress Inc. reports that,

"...more mothers will suffer from postpartum depression and related illnesses this year than the combined number of new cases for both sexes of tuberculosis, leukemia, multiple sclerosis, Parkinson’s disease, Alzheimer’s disease and epilepsy. This is not to minimize these other terrible diseases, of course. I simply want to illustrate just how prevalent postpartum mood & anxiety disorders are."

The pressure these days to have it all, be it all, and do it all are too much for our bodies and our minds to handle and it is a no-win situation for everyone involved. And yet, I can't help but wonder, as my two sides battle it out in my own head, how much of this pressure is coming from ourselves? We live in the era of the "cult of busy-ness" and 24/7 connectivity and 10,000 hours to mastery (Ha! I just calculated and I've been a mother for just over 60,000 hours! I am SO the master of this! -insert sarcastic eye roll here-), and putting our lives on display via social media for all to see (and criticize). And then we wonder why, for some reason, it is never, ever, enough?  We are a time-starved people living in a world of scarcity that is often of our own doing.

My question is: are we in fact the creators of this scarcity and if so, how do we change that?

Do you know what landed me in the hospital 26 weeks pregnant with my first child with a blood pressure hovering around 200/100 (normal is 110/70)? Because one hour before my OB appointment, I had gotten into an argument with a work colleague about a rather important event that we were planning. My life changed in an instant that day. My blood pressure would not go back down without medications and complete bed rest and I had to take an immediate medical leave from work.

That was my first AHA! moment of motherhood and it was a scary-ass wake up call to the reality that would now be my life. One responsible for the safety and well-being of not only myself, but of this other person I was growing inside of me. In essence, motherhood made me look up. Look up from my self-centred, looking-out-for-Number-One, how-do-I-get-ahead, life and see the world in front of me. One that sadly, as Joan Williams, law professor at the University of California Hastings, says in the Motherload film "was never set up for women."

So what is a woman to do in a world that is not set up for her? How does one reconcile the need to be a valuable, contributing member of our economic society and also one who is nurturing the human capital that will one day be valuable, contributing members of said society?

I don't know that anyone has the answers to this just yet. Slaughter thinks that a woman in the White House will affect changes, but I question this as a blanket solution. Other women have held the highest offices of government in other countries before and still the world has not changed significantly for women. Sheryl Sandberg thinks that women need to lean-in and actively seek the higher paying, higher ranking jobs we want, but she forgets how she got to the place she is in now, in part by hiding the fact that she was sneaking home at 5:30 to have dinner with her children.

In THIS world, one has to make compromises. For me, the decision to stop working was made for me due to medical circumstances, but the decision to STAY at home after my children were born was all mine. This is the compromise I made. My former career, for this new version of my life. It's one that I would likely make again and one that in hindsight, made me realize how much I was trying to play the game of "work/career" with a set of rules that were never going to let me win. So, yeah, I forfeited the game and 'opted out'.

And so the two sides of me sometimes get into a bit of a kerfuffle with each other over this. I strive to be an example for my own children of living a wholehearted life and valuing myself and my work, both as a stay at home mother and as a feminist, but the guilt of not being the ideal or "perfect" version for either of these sometimes still gets to me.

Today I came across this post from Karen Walrond, photographer and blogger extraordinaire, and someone I had the pleasure of both meeting and hearing speak at Mom 2.014 last week. Here's what she had to say about comparison.

"I believe that comparison -- that is, comparing yourself or your work or your art with another person('s) -- is ultimately and almost without exception a waste of time. In my opinion, when you compare yourself with someone, you're comparing all of you -- your work, your thoughts about your own work, the effort behind your work, your thoughts about yourself -- with the appearance of someone else or their work at one instance in time, having no knowledge of its context. In other words, comparing yourself or your work with anyone else or their work is inherently an unfair comparison. It should be avoided. Besides, I do believe that it is patently impossible to create effectively in someone else's voice -- the inevitable result is disappointment. Accepting that you will do what you do differently from everyone else is incredibly freeing, and should be lived whole-heartedly."

This made me think... do you know what I do differently from everyone else?

I do this whole Stay at Home Feminist thing differently than anyone else. I know that in however small the ways may be, I AM affecting change. I am giving a voice, my voice, to other mothers and women in the world of feminism and beyond. And I am going to do my darnedest for the rest of my life to make sure that motherhood does not remain "the unfinished business of feminism".

n~

Miracle Milk. make it, donate it, love it.

2,078 Days ago, I delivered a 3 lb, 6 oz baby boy. I kissed his tiny little head and then he was taken away, accompanied by his daddy, to the NICU one floor above me. This is how I entered the world of motherhood. It was at least 3 hours before I was able to see my child and another 5 more before I was able to hold him and all the various tubes and wires attached to him.

I had gestational hypertension throughout my first pregnancy. It was discovered early enough at 26 weeks and we knew that regardless of how well controlled we could keep my blood pressure, the chances were VERY high that I was going to have to deliver the baby before we reached full-term. Outside of my weekly visits to the neonatology clinic for NSTs and ultrasounds, I was put on bed-rest for the remainder of my pregnancy. And I read. I read every book about premature babies that I could find. I learned about the challenges that they face, the complications of early birth and the best practices for how to overcome them.

This was how I learned about the benefits of kangaroo care and babywearing. And this was the first time I heard the phrase "liquid gold" in regards to colostrum and breastmilk. This was also when I learned about the #2 killer of NICU babies, necrotizing enterocolitis (NEC). In medical speak, "necrotizing enterocolitis (NEC) is one of the most common gastrointestinal emergencies in the newborn infant. It is a disorder characterized by ischemic necrosis of the intestinal mucosa, which is associated with inflammation, invasion of enteric gas forming organisms, and dissection of gas into the muscularis and portal venous system." (1) In laymans' terms, part of a baby's immature gut basically dies and needs to be surgically removed. It is extremely painful and has both short and long-term complications.

I was fortunate to carry my baby to 35 weeks and have a rather uneventful, albeit quick, delivery. My son was very small and very jaundiced, but otherwise healthy. He even ripped off his oxygen tube in those first few hours in the NICU (a fact my husband is still kind of proud of). Because we had done our research before heading into the NICU, both my husband and I were very insistent that our child only ever be fed breastmilk. I started pumping within hours of his birth and then set my alarm for every three hours and religiously pumped either at the hospital or at home to ensure that my milk came in and that he would have enough human breast milk at all times.

Some of the babies in our "pod" in the NICU were not as fortunate and had indeed succumbed to NEC. I remember the young mom of the baby next to us coming in every day to change her baby's ostomy bag (she insisted on doing it herself) and hoping that this would be the day that the doctors told her that his gut was healed, he could have his next surgery and that the hole in his belly would be closed up.

NEC sickens 5,000 U.S. and Canadian premature babies per year, of which roughly 500 die from the disease. Feeding fragile and compromised babies human milk – whether from the mother or by donor — has been shown to reduce the risk of NEC by 79%. For all these reasons, The Canadian Pediatric Society says “human breastmilk provides a bioactive matrix of benefits that cannot be replicated by any other source of nutrition.” The American Academy of Pediatrics also recommends human milk, by mother or by donor, for all preterm infants. Both the AAP and CPS clearly recognize the life-saving power of donor milk for preterm babies.(2)

Yesterday, I participated in the first Best for Babes Miracle Milk™ Mother's Day Stroll. This North American campaign was started  to raise awareness, funds and donor milk to save lives and spare the suffering of our most fragile population -- preterm and compromised babies. This is the first year for the Miracle Milk Stroll and Edmonton was one of almost 70 sites – 11 in Canada, 57 in the US and 2 on military bases in England who participated.

There are still NICUs within Canada and the US who do not or can not provide human milk for these preemie babies and this is why we stroll. To raise more awareness of the importance of human milk for human babies and the need for donor milk and for more milk banks across North America. Parents, health care providers and hospital administrators need to know more about the critical importance of an exclusive human milk diet in a preterm baby’s care or about the accessibility, safety and life-saving power of donor milk if mother’s own milk is not available.

I was extremely proud that the kids and I got to be a part of this inaugural campaign and encourage you to find out more about how you can help these tiny babies in your community.

Yes, that is my preemie now in the grey sweatshirt. 

Find out where your local milk bank is and donate and please check out the Best for Babes website and all the ways you can help mothers and babies.

In Canada, we now have four human milk banks that you can donate to {monetarily or milkily} in Vancouver, Calgary, Toronto and Montreal. Edmonton has it own Milk Bank Depot at the Grey Nuns Hospital where donations can be dropped off as well.

Tell your friends about how important human milk is for these compromised babies and how easy and safe it is to donate milk!

And of course, wear your Miracle Milk™ T-shirt with pride!

Happy Mother's Day Everyone!

natasha~

1.  Neu J. Necrotizing enterocolitis: the search for a unifying pathogenic theory leading to prevention. Pediatr Clin North Am 1996; 43:409.

2. Fast Facts: Miracle Milk from Best for Babes foundation.

Feminist Fare Friday: Edition #23

Here is the thing. I flew from Edmonton, Alberta to Atlanta, Georgia and back again in the span of 3.5 days. I spent most of those days awake and in the company of so many amazing people that sleep just wasn't big on my priority list. This essentially means that this week, I have been a total mess. Jet-lag, lack of sleep, a brain on overdrive, a soccer season that started on Monday and has us on the field 4 days a week and all the regular daily stuff, has caught up to me and people, it is NOT pretty. My eldest child looked at me yesterday and in a concerned voice said, "Mama, are you tired? You should go lay down." So, I did.

But first, I've been collecting some awesome posts this week! So here you go, some good Mother's Day weekend reading!

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1. Gabourey Sidibe's speech from the Ms. Foundation Gala. Pro-tip: never ask a women how she is so confident. Just admire it and perhaps, let it rub off on you a bit.

 "If I hadn't been told I was garbage, I wouldn't have learned how to show people I'm talented. And if everyone had always laughed at my jokes, I wouldn't have figured out how to be so funny. If they hadn't told me I was ugly, I never would have searched for my beauty. And if they hadn't tried to break me down, I wouldn't know that I'm unbreakable."

 ~~~~~

2. Remember that time I was on an airplane and the guy behind me protested loudly as I lowered my seat to get more comfortable and then I folded in on myself? Did you know that I constantly apologize for taking up too much space with my "stuff" when I am at the coffee shop? This space issue is a gendered one, a societal one, and it's one we learn early on. And while it may be her school headmistress that Soraya Chemaly hears in her head, it is my grandmother in mine.

To this day, when I sit—in a chair, on a bus, a train, at a desk—I hear my primary school headmistress explain that ladies never cross their legs at the knees. The thought of sitting, arms stretched out on either side on the top lip of the back of, say, a park bench is laughable to me, it’s so physically alien. Usually, in public space, I fold myself up and try, by habit, to make room for others.

~~~~~

3. Mother's day is on Sunday. Did you know it is the 100th anniversary of Mother's Day? Did you also know about it's radical feminist beginnings too?

The American incarnation of Mother's Day is the result of years of women's activism that coincided with other women's movements -- like women's suffrage and labor movements -- around the turn of the 20th century.

~~~~~

4. Mothering in the digital age. Google that. You'll find pages and pages for almost any topic/issue/need that you have as a mother, as you prepare for motherhood, as you struggle with motherhood, as you celebrate motherhood. Meagan Francis wrote this incredibly personal and insightful post after the Mom 2.0 Summit this past weekend and well... just read it. You'll understand.

These days, parents take a lot of flak for being online too much. We're called everything from neglectful to egotistical for wanting to share our lives and our opinions and our struggles and our adorable Instagrams with the rest of the world.

~~~~~

Happiest of Mother's Day to each and every mother out there. I wish you 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, a closed door to pee behind. a book to read that has more than 10 pages in it, a quiet moment and a nice cup/glass of {insert whatever you love to drink here} and love, lots and lots of LOVE!

XO,

natasha~

Go to blogging conference. Make a list.

I am tired.

Not like, "Oh, the kids didn't sleep well and I may have stayed up too late to watch whatever I had on the PVR" tired. I am 'OH MY GOD, I spent 72 hours with 600 of the most wicked people on the internet this past weekend" tired!

THAT my friends, is exhausting, but in the most amazing way possible.

I am still processing my weekend at the Mom 2.0 Summit in Atlanta, but I did want to write down some of my top moments of the conference. Here they are, in no particular order and so I too don't forget how awesome a weekend it was...

1. Arriving at the hotel and seeing so many beautiful and familiar (Canadian) faces made it feel not so scary being a newbie amongst the 600 attendees at Mom 2.0. Thank you Annie, Elan, Shannon, Jennifer, and Connie for providing me with a that sense of "home" away from home.

2. I REALLY had to pee towards the end of the first keynote session on Friday morning. I was packing up my bag and about to sneak out when Derreck Kayongo took the stage. And then I couldn't move. Maybe it was the bright pink flower he was wearing on his jacket lapel, maybe it was his beautiful Ugandan accent, or it could have been the energy with which he bounded onto the stage. Whatever it was, I was not going anywhere. Watch this and you'll understand why. A simple thing. A bar of soap. And idea. This is the power of story and of being a change maker in our world!

[youtube]http://youtu.be/sauWSDPBV3g[/youtube]

3. This weekend, I got schooled. We ALL got schooled. I learned the true meaning of 'leaning in' and found myself doing just that. As Kelly Wickham, aka Mocha Momma, read her post "Calling out my sisters", there I was physically leaning forward to truly hear her words. Leaning in to the discomfort that is a conversation about race, about real solidarity and about truly, publicly being there for each other when things get rough. (Please read her post and lean in to this with me.)

4. And then, this one time at Mom 2.0 Summit, I sat down with Heather Armstrong (yes, THAT Heather Dooce Armstrong) for 10 minutes, told her how much I love what she does and how she writes and tells stories and asked her for her advice about how to keep doing just that while the landscape of the blogging world shifts - or as she said, "is completely destroyed" - beneath our feet. It was a good chat. (So good that I did not get any photographic evidence of our time together. Total rookie fangirl mistake.)

5. Mint Julips from the Minted folks. Let me just say this: bourbon is the devil's drink and therefore I can not be held responsible for whatever I said/did after drinking it!

6. Shoe shopping and dinner and thought-provoking and brilliant conversations about blogging and feminism and life. With Annie @PhDinParenting, Shannon @Shasherslife, and Jennifer @HartGalla.

7. Trying to be in two places at the same time on Saturday morning for two amazing sessions. While this in fact did not quite work out, I did find Elizabeth Jayne Lui of FlourishinProgress.com in one of them and for that alone, it may have been all worth the frantic running around the conference centre at the hotel. She is by far the tiniest, and quite possibly one of the funniest bloggers I met this weekend.

8. Front row keenering (totally a word) at the rest of the sessions on Saturday. So much change-maker/writing/story-tellng/hot-topics/sexy beasts blogging goodness!

The panelists (from L to R).

The #sexybeasts are: @laflowers, @schmutzie, @bostonmamas @titaniajordon @justicefergie

The #changemakers are: @mamanongrata @ElenaSonnino @postpartumprog @HeatherBarmore and @morraam (not pictured)

9. When Karen @chookooloonks Walrund, totally Kanye'd Jenny @thebloggess Lawson at The Iris Awards ceremony.

10. And then, 10 minutes later when I stood less than 12 inches from Jenny at the back of the theatre while holding another woman's very adorable baby, I managed to spit out the words, "This is the baby that pooped during your acceptance speech."  Cause, you know, WORDS is what I do y'all!  #facepalm

11. This photo. And this woman. Outfits totally not planned, I swear. Damn we look good!

12. Having only ONE degree of separation from Amy Poehler because of meeting the amazing Meredith Walker of @smrtgirls!

13. The panels. The painted bellies. The party. The people. MY People! I found them, we talked, we danced, we knew each other before we had even met, and then when we did meet, it was good. It was very, very, good.

Selfies from top to bottom with:

@lifewithroozle, @phdinparenting and @dresdenplaid, @schmutzie, @DebontheRocks and @farrahbrannif.

Bonus #14: Having the best conference roomie = She who takes #365feministselfie shots with a lovely butt bomb from yours truly!

{photo credit: Annie @phdinparenting}

Now, I really do need to catch up on some more sleep.

Goodnight lovelies,

natasha~