vagina.... CHECK.

I am halfway through reading "How to be a Woman." by Caitlin Moran for my next book club get-together (aka, evening of wine and no kids or husbands).

Now, a) I am not in the habit of writing about a book before I have even finished it, and b) I do NOT like being told how to be or do anything, most of all anything at all about how to be a woman, but I have identified with so much of this book already, that I really have to write down some of my thoughts before I forget everything.

Add to that the things I am learning about and for myself in my counselling sessions and it is adding up to a lot of things jumbling around in my head and well, if you know me at all, you know that I have to PURGE it all out here, to clear some space up there.

First of all and for Caitlin, I must say this:

I AM A STRIDENT FEMINIST! (And I am wearing proper, cover all my bits underwear.)

It has taken me a long lifetime to say those words and be proud of that fact. Feminist is one of those words that almost has the status as the other F-word these days. For some people, it is a whispered thing, or it is denied altogether (Hello Taylor Swift--I am talking to you!). In her book, Caitlin has a quick test that you can administer to see if you too are a feminist and all you have to do is answer the following questions.

1. Do you have a vagina?

2. Do you want to be in charge of it?

If you answered yes to these questions, you guessed it, YOU are a feminist!

Personally, my evolution as a feminist happened rather organically. I have not read the "required reading" book list for "Capital F " feminism. No Virginia Woolf, no Simone De Beauvoir, no Germaine Greer. I HAVE read one of Elizabeth Badinter's books (The Conflict) and was decidedly put off by it and her.

I don't feel like I identify with any particular WAVE of feminism, and while I do like waves and the ocean, I think that this kind of rhetoric and need to qualify what kind of feminist one is, is somewhat backwards in its thinking. I am a feminist for the reasons stated above. Vagina. CHECK. In charge of it. CHECK.

It is through motherhood that I have truly uncovered the feminist part of myself. She was always there peaking out from behind my business suits and at big meetings and in relationships, but never seemed to be quite brave enough to reveal herself fully. You may find this ironic given that at that point in my life, I was doing all the "right" feminist-y things; having a career, climbing the corporate ladder, providing for myself and not relying on a man for anything. No, it wasn't until I held my first child in my arms that I truly understood two things. My power as a woman and my great responsibility to my child(ren).

And with those two realizations in mind, I forged ahead. I started a business, I started to write, I started to advocate for women (and children) and each and every day I learned so much. About myself, about my child, about the world around us and what I wanted in it for his (and then his sister's) future.

It's a big list, but here are some of the highlights...

I want a world in which colours are colours. Everyone has a favourite one and it can be whatever you choose.

I want a world in which words like "throwing like a girl" means having a damn scary curve ball!

I want a world where I don't have to teach my daughter the rules of "how not to get raped".

I want a world where my son has the choice to be the stay-at-home parent and no one thinks any less of him for it.

And most of all I want a world where we can all look at each other and instead of seeing the differences and judging them immediately, we look towards ourselves first and discover what it is in us that is out of order for us to think that different or 'not what I would do' somehow equals wrong.

My friend Alex wrote a post this week about this phenomenon in the mommy world. And while yes, like her, I too want to wave the white flag and say "Enough is enough!" on this front, I also wanted to add something.

I think that a mother (and possibly a father's) greatest fear in raising our next generation is that somehow we are going to royally fuck up our children. It is why we sweat ALL the stuff so much as parents, BIG and small. I mean, look at us! We are all kind of messed up ourselves and the things we are fighting about are DIAPERS! Really folks??!

The thing is, that no matter how much you vow to do things differently for your kids, part of them is gonna end up a bit messed up. You know, that part that is HUMAN. All we can do is try really hard to teach them empathy and respect for their fellow messed up human beings. And the best way to teach this is to model that behaviour for them.

Kids grow up and as they get older, they also get smarter. They see what we do and they emulate us. And NOTHING is a better wake up call to how we behave towards others than seeing the same kind of behaviour in our children. Do you laugh or make fun of overweight people? Do you say things like "OMG, that is SOOO gay!"? Do you tell people to "man up" or "stop acting like a little girl"? Do you not listen to a person (no matter who) asking you to stop tickling/poking/touching them? Because kids see this, and if they see that you think these kinds of behaviours are OK, then they will think they are OK too.

So, what else do I want in this world for my children? I want grown-ups willing to admit that they need to change THEIR behaviours, to understand their role in the culture that we have around us and around our kids and BE BETTER HUMANS.

My goal (and my homework this week) is to catch myself when I am feeling judge-y or feeling judged and find out why I am feeling this way. What is it about myself that I need to reconcile to calm the waves of my righteousness or my indignation? What am I feeling insecure about and how can I change this behaviour?

I want to be a better human for my kids and for my world. That is what being a feminist means to me. Treating all humanity as equal and deserving of love, respect and a voice that is heard.

Now who wants to join me and my 'strident-feminist-and-human-who-is-somewhat-messed-up' self in this brave new world?

Natasha~

I have been up to...

... a whole lot of nothing really. Just what I needed.

Well, aside from travelling halfway around the world that is...

First we went here.

That is a very busy {and clean} China Town in Singapore.

And then we went here...

The beach outside our rental house in Kailua, Oahu, Hawaii.

I was planning on writing while I was away, but that just didn't happen. I am back home, I am relaxed, and I am hoping that the year will only get better from now on. (And I am already planning our next trip to Hawaii! I love it there SO much!)

Aloha folks,

Natasha~

It's not you, it's me

Today had the potential to be such a good day. And I needed a good day.

REALLY BADLY.

And then...

Well.

It was not.

.

.

.

.

.

Let me back up a few days.

On Saturday, January 12, 2013, with myself, my sister, my brother and his wife surrounding him with as much love as we could, my father passed away from complications of ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease).

I have written about our reconnection and how bittersweet this whole process has been for both of us. Time, the one thing we needed, was the one thing we really did not have.

He was suffering and now I know he is not. We had a brief moment on Friday to talk and forgive each other before his level of consciousness prevented him from having further conversations. Given the situation, I am at peace with that and I can only hope that he was too.

So, I am grieving.

And on two fronts. I am grieving for the loss of the man that he was and I am also grieving (again?) for the loss of the father that I could have had. Details are not important anymore and life takes us in all kinds of different directions that are not in our control, but this is hard. Hard to try to understand the circumstances of the past and the motives of the people (including ourselves) that kept us so far apart, and hard to reconcile the fact that answers will never come.

Add to all of that the fact that I am also prepping this little family of mine for a whirlwind vacation half way around the world that starts VERY soon, and well... let's just say it is a busy week up in my head.

I don't have time to grieve. I have to pack, and I have to get kids to school and back, and I have to make meals and actually feed these people who depend on me and also find time for regular things, like showering and shaving my legs and such. There is playing and reading and laundry and dentist appointments and walking the dog and getting in a workout and doing my volunteer commitments and keeping up with the everyone on Facebook and well....

Something has to give.

Remember the good old days?

If someone had a baby, or if someone had a birthday or yes, if someone died. Remember what we would do, or what our parents and our parents friends would do? They would come over with a meal. Or call. Or send an actual card or note or flowers. They would come over and give you a big heartfelt hug. Not a ((hug)).

Now we take to the internets to express EVERYTHING. Our congratulations, our condolences, our breakfast, lunch and dinner and every waking moment in between. We are all more connected than we have ever been before and yet, I can't help but feel so disconnected right now.

This has been bothering me long before this past weekend and I was afraid to do anything about it, but now...

Now, I am done.

I am done with Facebook.

I am done with feeling like I am a good "friend" because I didn't forget to write "Happy Birthday" on whomever's timeline is listed on the top right hand corner of my page. I am done reading about peoples passive aggressive feelings through silly meme images. I am done with feeling the "Oh, that would be a good sound bite on FB" thought about something that happens in my day-to-day life, instead of actually BEING IN THAT MOMENT in my life.

My friend Tom wrote this very poignant post last week and in it he says,

"...you get only ONE chance at being a dad or a mom to your child. You won’t be allowed to try it again. You’ll be left with a void, a gap where you could have done something for or with your little one. And sadly, those are gaps in life we will never be able to go back and fill."

This week that message hit home for me more so than ever before.

Because I am that little one. I am that kid that lost out on having a father because of reasons that I will never understand. And yes, I know for a fact that there was a big void in my fathers life as well. And while we did get a chance to reconnect in the end. The sad reality is that it really was the end. We had less than 2 months to fit in 30 years of life.

It was not enough.

This week has been rough on all of us here at the SAHF household and I am trying to figure out what we all need around here.

The best solution and answer I can find is that we need MORE of each other. Or more specifically, my kids and my husband need more of me. And I need more of me.

We need more playing together. We need more reading books. We need more cuddles and silliness. We need more kitchen dance parties. We need mommy to NOT get on the computer the minute we walk in the door . We need to actually go visit with friends and family and spend time with them. Time that does not include any kind of mobile device bleeping every 10 seconds. We need to take pictures for us alone, not to be shared on Instagram or Facebook immediately. We need to get our validation from the joy of living, not from the amount of "likes" we get on a status update.

So like any addict who has to hit rock bottom before they see the light, here I am.

Today was my bottom.

My name is Natasha and I am addicted to social media. I check my phone and my computer all the time out of fear that I am going to "miss" something. And I do mean ALL. THE. TIME.. I panic if I can't find my phone. It is the first thing I check in the morning and the last thing I check at night. And sometimes, when I wake up in the middle of the night, I'll check it then too.

What hit me today, is that I AM missing something. I am missing my life. I am missing my children's lives. All the things that I keep saying that we will do later, just one more minute, one more message, one more video to watch....well, one day it will be too late. And I won't be able to go back. There is no 'delete' or 'undo' or 'refresh' button in life.

There is just DO and DO it as well as you can.

So...

As of tonight at midnight, I am deactivating my Facebook account.

I will still manage the community Pages that I am responsible for, but even that will be at a limited capacity.

If anyone wants to get ahold of me, call me, come and see me, meet me for coffee. Let's really CONNECT.

And hug.

Really everyone, it's not you, it's me.

I just need some space.

For a REAL life lived in the moment.

Lots of love,

Natasha~

P.S. {For my online friends who are far away, you can still find me on Twitter or via email or here too. Baby steps folks! :)}

A year of endings.

Since everyone else is doing it, I guess I'll jump on the bandwagon too. You guessed it, this is my "Year in Review" and also my Birthday post rolled into one.

Oh, don't worry, I wont recant all of my previous posts from this past year for you, that's what that handy dandy "Archives" button is for over there to your right and part way down the page. Click on it, choose a month and peruse at your leisure, I promise you, some of those posts were really, really good!

If we back up 365 days, turning 40 on this day last year was not as traumatic as I expected. I was with the three people I love the most in the world. I was spoiled with everything I asked for and more and it was a beautiful sunny winter day. It was perfection.

I had also made up my mind at that point to make some drastic changes in my world and all was well in my mind and in my heart with regards to my decisions. I did not make resolutions for 2012, I made choices that I needed to to be happy, healthy and present in my life and for my family.

Before I go one though, a word on 40th Birthdays.

They are a BIG deal. They should be celebrated with all due largesse and magnanimity. AND, in my opinion, that celebration should not just be for one day. I took some inspiration from a fellow blogger, Julie Harrison, and her #MonthofMe 40th Birthday celebration, and decided to stretch out my 40th birthday ALL YEAR LONG! My sweet husband indulged my desires (and my cheeziness) and surprised me on the 1st of every month in 2012 with a silly, yet totally AWESOME card and a small gift. Some months it was a night out to one of my favourite restaurants, one month a cool new camera lens for my iPhone, and another month it was the full Hunger Games series. Little things that he knew I wanted and that let me know that he actually does listen to me! It was fantastic and something I highly recommend you tell all your significant others about for your 40th birthdays (Just tell them Natasha said it is a thing, so they have to do it!).

{My dear husband also understood my trepidation with this rather BIG number and found a nice way to ease my transition into my fifth decade on this earth!}

What stuck me the most in the last few days of 2012, (and trust me, I had a lot of time to think about this as I was sitting here suffering from the zombie flu and blowing chunks of my brains out through my nostrils) is that I started out thinking that 40 was going to be a year of new beginnings for me. What it was, in so many ways, was in fact, a year of endings.

In February, I ended my foray into the online world of e-commerce with the closing of Natural Urban Mamas, the store. I've talked and blogged about this decision ad nauseum already, but just like a good party, it's always best to leave while you are still enjoying the night, and before you'll regret anything in the morning. I loved what I did with my business. I loved all of the mamas and babies and families that I helped. I have no regrets. It was a good party.

In April, as a family, we ended our time in our first home. A home that we designed and built for our growing family. One that bore the scratches and scuff marks of our puppy and our baby boy and then his little sister. The house that both our kids took their first steps in and the house where we celebrated our first family Christmas. The house that hosted many dinners with family and friends, birthday parties, massive playdates, mother blessings and kiddie pool parties alike. It was a good house. A home that we will remember fondly and forever.

Spring and summer were spent moving into our new home and finishing up all the bits and pieces that go along with that. Furnishing, decorating, landscaping, and getting to know our new neighbours and neighbourhood. Its been a big year and after building three houses in less than 10 years, I can most definitely say that we are finally done. Done, done, DONE!  I could not ask for more in a home and to be honest, don't have it in me to move or build EVER AGAIN! This home is the END to our construction bug! (Someone please be sure to remind either myself or my husband of this if ever our eyes or minds start to wander!)

My babies have grown so much this past year. Little C is not so little anymore and is so independent. He gives me a swift kiss and takes off to play with his buddies when I drop him off for kindergarten every day. And my shy little girl has come out of her shell and is a regular chip of the ol' block, kooky personality and all! And without even knowing it or realizing that it happened, our days of regular babywearing slowly came to an end this year.  With riding bikes and running like the wind and wanting to do everything on their own, we just didn't have the time or, as much as it pains me to say, the need for it anymore. The last time I got to wear L, my lovely friend Kyla came by and snapped a few shots of us and I am forever grateful that she captured these last beautiful babywearing moments. And while my days of wearing my own babies may be at an end, my arms are always open and my baby carriers always available to snuggle any and all babies that come my way!

Photo courtesy of Feschuk Photography

2012 was quite the banner year for breastfeeding. It was in the news, A LOT. From Facebook's continued witch hunt for and discrimination against mother's breastfeeding photos, to Jamie Grumet's cover shot on TIME Magazine, to celebrities talking about it and taking and posting their own beautiful photos. And in our house too, it was still a regular occurrence. Unlike her brother, who stopped at age three, L showed no desire to be done breastfeeding and so we kept going. I think that the concept of this part of our relationship being done was difficult for both of us and through lots of cuddles and discussions, my little girl and I came to the decision that we would stop on her fourth birthday in October.

Well. October came and we tried to stop and some days we nursed and others we did not. It went on like that for a while longer and then this past month, we are just... done. Another beautiful ending that came of its own accord and on its own time. She doesn't ask to nurse anymore, but does want to cuddle with 'her boobies' every now and then. I thought I would be a lot more sad about this ending than any of the others in my parenting journey, but I am not. I feel like I gave both my children all that they needed in this regard and I respected their needs and my own. Two children and six years is a lot to ask of my breasts, but they did their job and did it well. I am proud of myself, proud of my children and yes, I'll say it, proud of my "girls" too!

{You gotta love when they play with your 'waddle' while nursing!}

So you see. It really has been a year of endings.

The final ending of course being the chapter that is/was NaturalUrbanMamas.com, and you can read all about that in my previous post.

I saw a post and picture on Facebook today that said, "Chapter 2013, Page 1 of 365."

For me this is Chapter 41, Page 1 of 365. Many of those pages will get published here and some will not, but this year....

This is the one that will be all about new beginnings.

Happy 2013 Everyone!

Big Birthday Love and Kisses for all of you,

Natasha~