Not evil, just corporations and marketing 101.
I feel the need to also publish this post tonight. I wrote this at the same time as I did my previous post, but they needed separating in order for my thoughts on both to be clear and concise (and to make sense to me!). My friend who wrote about the "heart" vs "brain" conversations when it comes to breastfeeding or not, also brought up something that I feel I need to explore in a bit more detail. She said in her post that:
...groups that appear extremist seldom accomplish much beyond polarizing the already divided public and swaying public opinion away from their original goals. I think the breastfeeding “movement” falls victim to this, getting labeled by the crazy behaviours of a smaller subsection of our population. This makes us feel sad and defeated, and we react from that emotional place as opposed to regrouping and considering more carefully our efforts.
Likewise, the women who find themselves on the other side of the debate, feel persecuted by the more extremist movement and, in an effort to self-protect and to defend, respond from an emotionally charged place to advocacy efforts that they perceive as being an attack on their choices.
These statements have forced me to take a very hard look at my advocacy efforts and my messaging to all mothers and to explore why this is happening as well.
I realize that I can never speak for or about mothers who have formula fed their children, as I have never done this. Really. If someone ever asked me how to prepare a bottle of formula, I would have absolutely NO IDEA! And I would have to point them to the best resource I know, the formula manufacturer. I am also not a breastfeeding expert. I am not an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant or even a La Leche League leader. I am a mother who has continuously been nursing one or both of my children for 5.5 years and in a few special circumstances. I know where to go for advice and more education if needed and I share that along with my own personal experiences with any and all who want it (or in the case of my blog, choose to read about it).
I also want you all to know that I am not about being 'the hippy child' versus 'the big bad corporation' either. It would be very hypocritical of me to be that person, coming from a career in the pharmaceutical industry and also as someone who relies heavily on modern medicines to keep me healthy.
I live by another saying in my life, and that is, "Nothing happens in this world until someone sells you something." Be that a product, a service, an idea or a cause. Formula manufacturers, along with most large corporations are not EVIL per se. They exist to make money for their shareholders and to sell their product. They are there to grow their market share and increase their bottom line. Plain and simple. Not evil, just capitalist. (I realize that this in and of itself could be a whole other conversation on it's own, but we'll leave it for another time!)
The problem with the formula manufacturers is that their market is mothers... with babies. And their main competition... yup, you guessed it, is BREASTMILK. And therefore their main target audience and how they GROW that market share is by focusing their efforts and advertising dollars on mothers who are breastfeeding (or the people who directly influence these mothers).
And here is where it gets all messy...
No one wants to believe that a company would willingly undermine a mother's breastfeeding relationship. No one wants to think that there is some evil plan conceived in a board room somewhere to get you to fail at breastfeeding. And you know what... NO ONE is actually doing that. There is no evil plan, there is just a corporate need (greed) to increase market share and make more money. Now to some, this may be the evil in and of itself, but really, this is just business as usual in a free market.
Does it suck? Yes. Are the marketing practices of these companies questionable and downright harmful to the breastfeeding rates in North America. Yes and Yes. Does this mean that they are being successful and doing a good job? Some would argue that yes, they are. This is after all a billion dollar industry and all this money = more dividends for shareholders and more market share. And so they continue on marketing, selling and growing their businesses.
On the other hand, we have breastfeeding.
NOT a billion dollar industry. Actually a free and readily renewable resource and with the right information, resources and support, a potentially life saving one as well.
Breastfeeding does not have fancy logos and pamphlets to pepper our doctors offices with. Outside of the ACTUAL breast milk, you don't get any free samples of anything in the mail or at the hospital after you've had your baby. Breastfeeding does not have millions of dollars to spend on ad campaigns with giggling, happy babies. Breastfeeding does not have any 'add-on' branded accessories that you need to buy in order to do it properly at home or 'on the go'. Breastfeeding does not have the 'continuing medical education' dollars from its manufacturers to spend on further educating our health care practitioners about it or give them the resources for referrals to the real experts.
So where does this leave us?
From an outsider's view it can look like a real David and Goliath scenario. A billion dollar industry with reach and scope worldwide versus...
Boobs. Big ol' breast milk producing boobies.
But the hard truth of this is that, in this fight, no one ever really 'wins'.
One side feels that the general public is being misled and misinformed about both breastfeeding and formula. There are protests, there are efforts to help the public understand more about 'the competition', there are peer groups and grass-roots organizations formed to give support and alternatives for infant feeding. And what happens time and again is that in the zeal and desire to educate and inform and yes, even expose the formula manufacturers and to an extend formula itself, the message is lost. It gets lost to the point that even when good, solid, evidence-based and peer-reviewed research and new information is available (either about breast milk/breastfeeding or formula), this too gets poo-poo'd and chalked up something that those "crazy breastfeeding (insert derogatory and inflammatory word here)" are saying.
And this makes me sad.
Because here is what I think is also happening. I think that the more we 'fight' about how we feed our children, the more we continue this breastfeeder versus formula-feeder stance.... the happier the shareholders at the formula companies are going to be.
Let me explain.
Mothers (and most people actually) who feel that they are being PUSHED to do anything, will push back. And in this case, if the push is to breastfeed (and the message being heard by some is "at all costs"), I think what we risk doing is simply pushing more and more mothers away from our messages, our information and from breastfeeding at all, and into the open, waiting and seemingly so very understanding (cue the BRILLIANT marketing) arms of the formula manufacturers.
So what is the answer here. How do we as breastfeeding advocates help spread a message and help further educate mothers and families with ALL the information they need about both breastfeeding AND formula feeding, without all the 'bashing' of the formula companies? To be perfectly honest, I don't know. I have been breastfeeding for over 5 years, have been an active participant in the advocacy movement for the past 3 and in all that time, not once have I ever seen a discussion about breastfeeding or formula-feeding progress beyond the "I am a mother, doing the best I can for my babies and it is my choice." rhetoric. From both sides.
What I do know is this. Formula manufacturers are companies (not people). They have a bottom line and that is to make money. In order to make more money they need to grow a market. And anyone who knows anything about marketing or has even taken a rudimentary Marketing 101 class in university knows that in order to do that, you need to convince said market that they NEED your product. If you create the NEED, they will COME! If you focus on how difficult it can be to breastfeed, provide 24 hour 1-800 numbers to help whenever that NEED arises, show TV commercials of happy, giggling babies who have had a "happy feeding", well... it is what it is folks. We live in a nation that, although we may embrace the World Health Organization and their standards for the International Code of Marketing of Breastmilk Substitutes, neither the Canadian or the US governments have enacted legislation to ensure that anyone is bound in any way by its guidelines. Companies are free to market and advertise their products in the best way they see fit to make more money and grow their shares.
I don't really have any answers here and I don't know that there are any. In the face of all of this, I can only promise that I will COMMIT to keeping the dialogue open and to continue to advocate from a place of positivity.
I can not fight the Nestles and Similacs and Enfamils of the world on a grand scale. But I can use my voice, a NOISY one I think, and I will continue to speak out against what I believe are unethical and undermining marketing practices by these giants of industry.
I will not judge anyone's choice in this matter. Breastmilk, donor milk, formula. Doesn't matter to me one iota. As long as it is your choice and you are happy with it. (Happy with it, being the operative term here.)
I will share my experiences and those of others that have chosen this path. I will share as many resources as I can here on my blog and if you need more please email me and I will help you find someone in your city, town or hamlet who can help.
And I will not stop talking or writing about breastfeeding, and the many options for infant feeding that are becoming more available to mom's who are willing to seek them out and explore these options.
Thank you,
Natasha~
P.S This very lengthy post is an OPINION piece. MY opinion. Please keep that in mind when you are commenting.
P.P.S. Any comments that are inflammatory or divisive or that PROVE MY POINT about being over zealous in either camp, will be reviewed and probably deleted.
P.P.P.S. I am very excited to have found a way to use the word IOTA in a blog post! Just saying...
Passion and Compassion
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
~Erma Bombeck
Oh Erma, how I wish this was more true.
Compassion. A feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.
As mothers we (are supposed to) have it in spades.
For our babies, who need us 24/7 to nourish, nurture, love and keep them safe.
For our husbands and partners, who for the above reasons need us as well and because they are there for us when we need them. Sharing our lives, bringing home the bacon, or doing the stay-at-home parent thing while we go back to work.
And for our fellow {wo}man. Our sisters, our friends, the stranger with 4 kids under 4 struggling at the grocery store, the new mama doing her best to figure this all out, the grandmother who has been there and done that and now looks on with a touch of nostalgia in her eyes.
BUT...
Throw in any bit of information about how you feed your baby, how you get your baby to sleep or what you do to discipline your child (just to name a few polarizing parental choices) and BAM!!
Our compassion and understanding seems to revert right back to judgment!
Especially on the interwebz!
Why am I bringing this up you ask? Am I being like one of the many blogs and sites out there trying to stir up page views by "fueling the mommy wars" as they like to say?
GOOD GAWD NO!! Please know that this is NOT my intention at all.
This post is being written because over the past few days, I have had a lot to think about. I have had a chance to see things from a different perspective and have come to some personal conclusions that have left me needing to write it all down to make sure I completely understand what exactly happened and why.
The other night, I got riled up. Full on, blood boiling, hands shaking, MAD! I was on Facebook (mistake #1) and followed a link to a site that had posted an article about the cancelled #GNO Twitter party. The post asked if indeed the party was in violation of the WHO Code of Marketing for formula manufacturers and I commented and said that yes, it absolutely was. A few replies later, the author stated that the party was shut down by a bunch of women who have a PERSONAL BIAS against women formula-feeding.
Cue my blood pressure shooting through the roof! REALLY? A personal bias against these mothers? ME?
In a fit of frustration and with a very strong desire and intention to have a real conversation about all of this on my personal Facebook Page with my Facebook Friends, I posted a status update requesting this. (mistake #2)
What happened next was 4 hours and 153 comments of a very passionate discourse. It was FILLED with emotion, it was exhausting, and in the end I did not feel like it got us anywhere and did not even come close to the conversation I was looking for.
And I should have known better.
I should have given myself 24 hours to cool down after I read the original post and then figured out if I did indeed need to have this discussion... AGAIN. (And perhaps not on Facebook, where filters are often off and we say or type things when we probably should have left well enough alone.)
Here is what I have learned in the last few days after some personal reflection and thanks to a very long note from a friend that helped immensely. This topic, these breast milk and formula feeding conversations, regardless of how you frame them, will ALWAYS be a case of 'the chicken and the egg" and I fear that there will never be a 'right' answer or a 'winning' side. And as Albert Einstein himself said,
Doing (or in this case, saying or asking) the same thing over and over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.
My very smart friend, who did take 24 hours to formulate her response to my original post, also very wisely said that,"Breastfeeding (or the ability or choice NOT to) is a 'heart' issue." Meaning, that most mothers can't help but talk to you from an emotional level on the subject. And in one of the many side conversations that were also going on that night, another dear friend sent me a message and said that, "A breastfeeding mother is changed forever emotionally." I can not emphasize enough how much I agree with her on this and firmly believe that breastfeeding changes us on an emotional, physical and biological level. What I also learned that night is that a mother who desperately wanted to breastfeed, was told from a trusted source that she could not, had to supplement with formula, felt judged for that decision and who continues to harbour guilt and shame for it, is also FOREVER EMOTIONALLY CHANGED.
Both are mothers, both have struggles and triumphs, both are doing the best that they KNOW HOW for their children and themselves and neither deserves to be judged or criticized for her decisions.
I am a very firm believer in the saying "When you know better , you do better." Trust me, I knew a lot more going into my second pregnancy and having Princess L than I did with Little C. Do I wish I was better informed the first time around? Absolutely. But hindsight only serves to build frustration and regret, and I really don't have time for either of those in my life. If I was to have a third child (not gonna happen y'all!) you can bet I would even more, very differently than I did in Round 1 or 2.
Being an advocate for something (anything really) doesn't mean condemning or judging people's past, present or future choices. There should never be any "You should have..." or "Why did/didn't you...?" in advocacy conversations. There should only be, "Here is the information and resources we know and have NOW, please listen, read, hear what I have to say and make your decision(s) with them in mind. Thank you."
Which brings me back to compassion.
As mothers, I think we need to have way more compassion in our conversations, especially our online ones.
Having discussions about "heart" topics in not a bad thing, but we must keep in mind not only our own hearts, but those of the people we are communicating with as well. If someone is being defensive about something, we need to do our best to find out why? Don't be afraid to ask about someone's feelings and experiences, find out what is behind a person's hurt or anger. Be compassionate.
This becomes even more important in the world of advocacy and especially so in the world of motherhood. There will always be things that come easier to some than to others, there will always be things that work for you that don't for me, and there will always be new information coming forward that may or may not change the way we do all of these things.
In these matters of the "heart", that are so deeply rooted in us and our identities as mothers, that rouse our passions and our emotions to such heights, let us not forget that we are all mothers doing the best we can for our beautiful babies and travelling this long and dusty and often pot-hole filled mothering road together. Let us hold each other up, pass the canteen and keep on moving forward.
And here is something else that I think needs to be said about any 'how I feed my baby' conversations,be it in person or online (and please feel free to correct me if I am wrong and completely off on this one). I think that the mothers who CAN and DO breastfeed, whether it is an easy road or not, may need to have a teensy bit more compassion for the mom who did not or can not do so. For whatever the reason, be it misinformation, lack of resources and support, personal choice, medical reasons or whatever the case may be, we need to show compassion along with our passion. Because deep down, I am pretty sure there exits an element of guilt or regret or failure in all these mamas about the one thing their bodies are supposed to do for their babies.
Thank you for reading and I do appreciate your comments...
Please keep them respectful and compassionate.
Much love,
Natasha~
Photo Credit: Lawrie Cate's Flickr Photostream
Why oh Why do we do what we do...
This weekend I realized something. I am a purist.
Kinda...
Let me explain.
I attended my third blogging conference this weekend. It was the inaugural Blogwest 2012, the brainchild of my friend Felicia Dewar and a much-needed convergence of bloggers, sponsors, and experts in the social media and blogosphere world for Western Canada. In September of 2011 Felicia and I both attended the ShesConnected conference in Toronto and it was very clear then that western Canadian bloggers as a whole were both missing and also not being targeted by brands and sponsors. I am positive that it was after this conference that Felicia's wheels started to turn and that weekend, the beginnings of what would become BlogWest sprouted in her head!
At the time, I was quite excited about being invited to ShesConnected. I truly believed that connecting with brands and sponsors was what I wanted and needed to do with my blog. What happened in fact, was the exact opposite. I left the conference with a big case of information and sponsor overload and to be perfectly honest, I was also a bit disheartened by the focus on monetizing our online spaces and what it takes to work with brands (even though this really is the POINT of the ShesConnected brand and conference and overall it is a very worthwhile event to attend, if indeed this is your focus).
Fast forward two weeks later and again, Felicia and I (and fellow Edmonton blogger, Jennifer Banks) attended Blissdom Canada, also in Toronto. This much bigger conference brought together bloggers from all across Canada, but still only a mere handful from the west. The presentations, panels and sessions at Blissdom were divided into two tracks, the Arts one and the Business one. And while my brain was still telling me I needed to go to the business focused (read monetizing) sessions, my heart was telling me otherwise. For the majority of that weekend, and like I do in most things in my life, I followed my heart. I attended the Arts track and it has made all the difference to me. (I feel like a Robert Frost poem!)
Once home from both conferences and able to fully digest what I had learned, about blogging and about myself, I think what happened next can only be described as the perfect storm in my brain. I had a crisis of identity. Identity as a business owner, as a blogger and in the end as a mother and wife too. I was being pulled in far too many directions and not doing any of my "jobs" particularly well. So, I took some time off, closed the store for the holiday season and did some personal regrouping. And then I made some big decisions.
I decided that my identity was not that of an online retailer. That the Natural Urban Mamas brand was so much more than what I thought and that I had the power to shape it into something even better.
Just over four weeks ago, I closed my online store for good and flipped the switch on the newly redesigned Natural Urban Mama Blog.
And this past weekend at BlogWest 2012, I discovered even more about myself and the blogging world. For one, I met a whole schwakload of Western Canadian bloggers! Even some from my own city that I did not know about! I got to connect again with the likes of the very funny Kathy Buckworth and Julie Cole, and meet the lovely Maureen Dennis, with 4 month old Baby S in tow, who all came to BlogWest from Ontario (on their own dime, may I add) to be part of this western conference. I went for a great dinner with ever inspiring @SoberJulie and a few others thanks to the generosity of the Adult Essentials brand (one that I absolutely believe in by the way).
And I took away some very key messages about life and blogging and also further validation for my decisions over the past 6 months.
One of the major themes that kept coming up at the conference, was that of WHY? Why do we do what we do? Why do we blog? Why do we write at all? Why do we get up in the morning? In two of the sessions I attended, the amazing Simon Sinek was brought up along with his powerful message of The Golden Circle. If you have not had a chance to see his TED talk, PLEASE watch it, I promise it will change your life in some way or another.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zFeuSagktM[/youtube]
Simon's whole concept of WHY was what I had been looking for to explain my reasons for hesitating about the whole "monetizing" and blogging as a business model. And it wasn't until I was reminded of it at BlogWest by Kim Page Gluckie's "Getting Over The Fear of “Having Nothing To Say” session and then Jared Tabler's "Passion, Making Blogging Dreams a Career Reality", that the proverbial LIGHT BULB went off over my head.
And I think it can be summed up very succinctly as follows:
"The goal is not to do business with people who need what you have,
the goal is to do business with people who believe what you believe"
~ Simon Sinek
Now, as you may or may not know, I have some very strong beliefs about a lot of things.
I believe that babywearing is an essential parenting skill, I believe in breastfeeding my children and advocating for more education and resources for ALL mothers regarding infant feeding. I believe that a more hands-off approach to birthing from the medical community would empower more women to seek natural options in this regard. I believe that we are all women travelling together along this long and dusty road of motherhood and that we need each other to survive and thrive. I believe in leaving a legacy for my children and their children's children and not further polluting or disrespecting the Greatest Mother of all, our Earth.
And I also believe in standing up for myself and my beliefs and I am not afraid to express how I feel about them. Sometimes that means that I swear, sometimes that means that I tackle subjects that are controversial and polarizing, and sometimes it means that I take a very critical eye to a product or service. In all of it I am honest, about my biases, my opinions and my sources.
So where does this leave me and what does all this have to do with the Blogwest conference?
As I stood up in the middle of the 'Monetizing your Blog' session on Saturday morning and said the following (thanks to @lainiegal for tweeting it)....
...I realized that I am a blogging purist.
I write for me and because it is something that I love. It fills a need in my life. It fills my heart and my soul with love and joy and my mind with thought and wonder. I write to connect with people who believe what I believe, and for those who don't know it yet, but may want to come on over and believe what I believe (or at least hear what I have to say)! And if this happens to be a brand or a sponsor and they are good with ME and all that I believe in, then I welcome the opportunity to work with them.
My amazing (and much younger) friend, Tanis Miller, aka, The Redneck Mommy, the most famous (infamous?) of Western Canadian bloggers, gave the closing Keynote speech for BlogWest 2012. It was her story, and while it is a heart-wrenching one to read about, it is 10 times more so when you hear it from her in real life, her voice cracking as she recounts the mere 2 hours that changed her life forever. Tanis came to blogging to heal, to recreate herself, to laugh, and to celebrate and advocate for her children. She put in the time and effort to grow her corner of the interwebz, to become The Redneck Mommy and further than that, the incredible woman who is Tanis Miller today. She paid her dues. And 6 years later, she makes a living doing what she loves.
Simon Sinek also said this:
"...those who lead inspire us ...we follow them not for them, but for ourselves."
I am inspired by Tanis and many other great bloggers who do what they love, write from a place of honesty and with a rawness that I connect with. And yes, I follow them for me and because I believe!
And so in the end, what I learned at BlogWest 2012 this year and what I think I shall continue to refine at future conferences, is WHY I blog...
I blog to BE that inspiration for others.
That is my WHY!
{And if someone wants to eventually pay me for this... GREAT!}
What about you? What is your WHY?
Please share...
Mwah!
Natasha~
Attachment Parenting... Not as 'fringe' as you may think.
Kooky. Fringe. Unhealthy. Enslaving. Controversial. These are just a few of the terms I have heard this week to describe Attachment Parenting.
All of this in the wake of Mayim Bialik's new book, "Beyond the Sling: A real life guide to raising confident, loving children the Attachment Parenting way." being released.
Mayim tackles and explores the many aspects of attachment parenting in her book, including babywearing, baby-led weaning, elimination communication and co-sleeping.
I went to Chapter's earlier this week to see if I could get my hands on the book, but they had not received their shipment yet. :(
I am really looking forward to reading this book. I think that Mayim has a lot to offer the parenting world and not just the 'kooky' attachment parenting world. I mean, the woman does have a PhD in neuroscience and did her thesis on the properties of human attachment, outside of her own experiences as a parent, I think this gives her some definite cred in this regard.
What is getting me all hot and bothered about this though is that all the conversations, articles and interviews on this topic are treating these attachment parenting options as some kind of weird and crazy way to parent. Words like DIVISIVE and UNHEALTHY are being bandied around and people seem to be of the opinion that in attachment parenting, we are literally ATTACHED to our kids at all times.
I think what I have decided this week is that I really dislike the terminology being used here. If the attachment parenting style is a fringe style of parenting is the opposite of it, the so-called mainstream style, then DE-tached parenting? If you do not see yourself at an AP parent, would you want this detached moniker be the one that describes you and the way that you parent? I know I sure wouldn't, the implications just seem way too severe. As I believe they are at the other extreme too.
Because seriously mamas, how many of you have NEVER, EVER, slept with your child? If you have, guess what? You were co-sleeping! Anyone ever carry your baby in ANY kind of baby carrier? Baby Bjorn, Snugli, frame backpack, sling? That's right, you were babywearing! How many of you tell me or tell others that your baby decided he just didn't want to nurse anymore at 8 months or 10 months or 14 months? That kind of sounds like baby-led weaning to me, but I am no expert.
Now I completely understand that some things in the attachment parenting continuum may seem extreme to some, but in the grand scheme of things, maybe not so much. The resurgence of cloth diapering and subsequently elimination communication (babies peeing and pooping on a potty with the help of mommy/daddy) is not just for the 'hippies' anymore. Plenty of "mainstream" mamas are looking at cloth as a better alternative not only for their babies bottoms, but also for the environment. And to be perfectly frank, the leap from cloth diapering to EC is not that big a jump. And trust me, it can be a lot easier to get a 9 month old to sit still on the potty than to convince a kid after three years of pooping in one place to all of a sudden start doing so in another!
Breastfeeding is a whole other beast of a topic on its own, but the more we learn about breast milk and yes, formula too, the more information we have to make the decision that is right for our family and ourselves.
I am in no way telling you that AP is the way to go and that "my" way is the right way here. I mean really, this IS parenting after all and we all have to find a way to do it, enjoy it and yes, even survive it some days! But, what I do want to say is this. Parenting (or heck, LIFE for that matter) cannot be accomplished by trying to fit in a box of someone else's choosing. And parents, mamas especially, you really shouldn't live your lives being defined by how you do or do not do things or feel ashamed of any of your choices.
I mean if Beyonce can babywear and breastfeed Baby Blue (in public no less) and one of the queens of the blogosphere, the wonderful Pioneer Woman herself, is a homeschooler, the principles of attachment parenting can't really be all that 'fringe'. Can they?
Don't be the mama whose "secret" weapon to getting her kid to sleep is actually co-sleeping. Just do what you have to do. So what if you have a baby who needs to be held constantly? Find a good comfortable baby carrier and carry and hold your baby and do what you need to do to keep both of you happy (and NO, you will not spoil your baby). So you want to try out cloth diapering but still use disposable diapers some of the time, go right ahead! There is no need to feel ashamed of your choices and there is no need to EXPLAIN any of them to anyone.
A smile and a 'thank you for your opinion', a la Mayim will suffice and then you can go on your merry parenting way.
The best way that you see fit for you and your family!
Much Mama Love to all of you,
Natasha~
P.S. I promise a full review of Mayim's book, "Beyond the Sling", as soon as I get my kookie AP hands on it!
Irony and an Arrow
Do you know what sucks and is also kind of ironic? I am attending a blogging conference this weekend, the inaugural Blogwest 2012 AND I am also suffering from a seemingly unending case of writer's block!
I seriously have about 10 posts sitting in my drafts folder that I started writing, got to a certain point and then just sort of lost steam.
And this is starting to really piss me off!
I think it is because my brain is so full of a lot of other life events right now. Selling our house, building the new house, closing the store, getting the new site up and running, prepping the family and business tax returns (whoohoo fun... NOT!!), and packing, I really have to start doing more packing.
All of this has left me feeling like I may be neglecting my space and my readers here on my blog.
BUT...
What I am NOT feeling, is like I am neglecting my family.
And really, that was the point of pretty much every major decision that I have made this year. Right?
Little C wants me to help him make an imaginary recipe of sticks and twigs and play dough. Sure thing baby.
Princess L wants to read me a story and pretend that she is the mommy. Yup, just let me sit down first.
Starting each morning with a new favourite song of the day and a kitchen dance party. Check.
Ending our days together taking the dog for a walk and getting some sweet, fresh, snowy air. Doing that.
REGULAR date nights out with Natural Urban Dad every couple of weeks and an evening babysitter who loves my kids. Yes, I've got that too!
So while I may be not writing a whole lot lately, I am doing a lot more of what I am supposed to be doing. Looking after me and my little family.
Now, what I am also feeling, is that I need to really come to terms with and be a whole lot more vocal and proud that I am a...
Magnificent MAMA,
a wonderful WIFE,
and a brazen BLOGGER!
And kind of in that order too.
Inspiration with hit soon enough and my block will become unblocked. When it does, I will be ready for it, and so will my typing fingers!!
I have a feeling that it might happen sometime this weekend when I am surrounded by the many bloggers and brands and fabulous online folk that will be attending Blogwest 2012.
A friend of mine pinned this anonymous quote tonight and I thought it was very a propos!
Getting ready for a big 'launch'!
Goodnight all,
Natasha~
exhaustion
Yesterday was not the best of days. We ran into a snafu with the Natural Urban Home and I spent at least 4 hours with my contractor and one of the sub-contractors working on and coming up with a solution to the problem. I don't want to bore you with all the details, but it was a BIG one. And because of it, I felt like I was on the verge of throwing up all day yesterday. It is all straightened out today (thank GAWD!!) and the guys are back at work at the house fixing the problem and working very hard to give us exactly what we want. So that is a good thing.
What totally sucks though is that I feel like a Mac Truck rolled over me. I am so mentally and physically exhausted today that I am surprised I can even walk and talk properly. The bags under my eyes are so GINORMOUS that no amount of concealer would do the trick this morning and I was incredibly thankful that today was Pajama Day at music class. I just rolled the kids (and myself) out of bed and out the door. And yes, I am wearing sweats today... in public.
The good news is that the kids are finally down for a nap, I am about to go have one too and today ended up being a lovely fluffy mail day. My new Toad in a Tree top was waiting for me when we got home! Now, I am comfy and warm and about to hit my bed.
Sweet napping dreams y'all!
Natasha~
A Mama's Story of loss. Guest Post.
Pregnancy is a lot of things. It can be a joyous and wonderful time in a woman's life. A time filled with hopes and dreams for your future child and your family. And when a pregnancy is lost, all of those hopes and dreams are shattered. My blog is a place of sharing, of all of the experiences of motherhood and I am honoured to provide my friend Jacqueline Neher from Urban Chickadee a chance to share her story and to help her in her healing journey.
For those of you who do not know me, I am Jacqueline Neher. I am the co-founder of Urban Chickadee, Edmonton's premiere baby planning company and I deal with all things pregnancy and baby on a daily basis. Ironically, here I am writing my story of a pregnancy loss. I am doing this in an effort to heal, and to share. My story reflects my shattered hope and the heart breaking loss that comes with a miscarriage.
Let me take this back to December 2011. We had just found out we were pregnant after over nine months of trying. A person can only take so much rejection, and I was scared to even do the pregnancy test. With all the hope and anticipation I could muster up, I took the test and sure enough there was a "+" sign on that little stick. We were pregnant! My husband was at work until later that morning, and I decided to text him a picture of the stick - he was elated! The day was perfect!
We were going to wait to share the news with everyone until Christmas. We had our daughter’s 2nd birthday coming up, and wanted to embrace her time for what it was. My excitement got the better of me though, and I told my sister. I then I told my mom, and from there it slowly escalated to our entire immediate family and some close friends.
The timing of this pregnancy was absolutely perfect. My first trimester would be over on my birthday and we were due in the summer. I was not particularly looking forward to being pregnant in the heat, but I was excited because my mom would be off work and she would be able to provide the extra help we needed. It seemed like everything was working out in our favour! The nine months of trying would finally be paying off.
It wasn’t long before I found myself into the 9th week of pregnancy. I started to spot and my heart began to shatter. My gut wrenched at the sight of the little bit of blood. For those of you familiar with pregnancy and miscarriage, you will know that this can often occur and mean nothing. At the same time I was sick about the other possibility. I tried to act like it was nothing, but all day I was out of sorts. Then it happened again the next day, and that horrid feeling in my stomach would not go away despite my efforts to brush it off. In an attempt to ward off any potential loss of this baby I even tried not to do anything too physical and eat healthier. I told myself that maybe, just maybe, this could be the cause of the bleeding and I could stop it. This was all happening over the weekend it wasn’t until Monday that I could call my doctor. I held on to the hope that everything would be OK.
When Monday arrived I was able to get an appointment to see my doctor. They sent me for blood tests that would check to see if the pregnancy hormones were still going up. Thursday came, and my doctor called to tell me that the hormone levels were not rising, they but were still high. She asked if I was still bleeding, and I told her it was down to very minor spotting. To further assess the pregnancy I was booked for an ultrasound the next day – the morning of Friday the 13th. I’ve never liked that day. Maybe because of all the superstitious and bad things thought to occur on it. Turns out Friday the 13th can indeed bring bad luck, as we were about to discover.
During the ultrasound I knew something was wrong. The technician kept asking me "Are you sure your dates are correct?”. Of course I was! Throughout our attempt to conceive I had been charting and watching my cycles closely. The technician left to go get my husband, telling me "this is the hard part of my job".
There I was, left on the table with an ultrasound scope in-between my legs (oh yes - always fun). I waited to be told the news and tried to hold back tears (and of course the scope in-between my legs). The technician came back into the room with a parade - my husband, my daughter, and the radiologist. The radiologist and technician stood there, gazing at the screen and tilting their heads. They told us that even though they couldn’t get a good look at the "baby" it was only measuring at about 5-6 weeks. Apparently this is neither “good news nor bad news”, and they could not confirm anything. Either our dates were just wrong, or the "baby" wasn’t growing.
So we left... my husband remained the optimistic one, but I was not. I assumed the worst. We got home and talked things out. I Googled for hours and came to the conclusion that everything was still going to be OK. My hope returned.
We waited for my doctor to call on Monday. She was not feeling good about the ultrasound, and she wanted to do another blood test. At this point I was so MAD at her! I wanted her to at least be a little optimistic. Why was she being so negative? Why can’t we just wait? Despite my anger I trudged off to the lab to be pricked again. When I got home all I did was pray and hope.
My doctor called at 8 AM the next morning. The hormones had decreased again…and with that news, all my hope was gone.
We lost our baby.
I felt my heart shatter and watched as my husbands did too. We emotionally broke down and shared that pain with one another. Our two-year old daughter stood there watching us sob into each other's arms, not knowing why. Thoughts ran through my head: be strong, don’t be silly, this is no one’s fault, it’s only 9 weeks – get over it! This is not something you can just get over and I cried for the baby we will never meet, for the milestones that won’t be reached and for having to start attempts for a pregnancy all over again. I felt so cheated.
And as if that emotional turmoil wasn’t enough, my nightmare continued. I was told I would have to decide how I would like to "take care of this" miscarriage. They call my situation a missed abortion (what a horrific term) and refer to this unborn child as a fetus or embryo. I cringed at the medical terms and tried to make sense of what was happening. My mind fought to detach from the fact there is no "baby" and the fact that it has not left my body yet. A decision has to be made on how that is going to happen, and the nurse from the Early Pregnancy Loss Clinic walked me through my options. All of the options are upsetting and the nurse tells me that they don't like to do surgery, so my best one is to insert some pills. The pills that will end it all. When I talked to the nurse I just wanted this whole thing to be over, I didn't even want to go another day. I began to think of it as a fake pregnancy and I just wanted it to be done. I asked how soon I could get the pills and I planned for the weekend.
It's a surreal thing to plan your own miscarriage. You go through so many emotions. You wonder, is this really true? Can we just get this over with? You question if you can even get through it. You fear it is not really done.
The nurse described the horrific physical symptoms that may present during the process and we planned for my daughter to be with my mom. I didn’t want her to see me in any more pain and my husband wanted to be there for me. The morning I inserted the pills my husband and I braced for the worst. We waited... and waited... and waited... finally there is a bit of cramping and some blood, but nothing like they said it would be. My daughter came home from my mom’s place and we all sat in bed and watched TV together. I thought that maybe it won’t be so bad and checked in with the clinic. The clinic staff did not think I had miscarried yet and apparently the first dose of pills only works for 60% of women. I have to do it again.
The second attempt worked and it was SO bad. I won't go into the gory details, but it was the worst day of my life! I believe my mind tried to protect me and I felt numb. It was as if I couldn't process what I was actually going through. Then it continued...
...for three more gut-wrenching days.
I am now an empty shell.
Looking back at the last few months I think the only way I could have gotten through all of it was because of the support of my husband, who grieved with me and cared for me. I am also so glad that I reached out on social media. I can not believe how many people shared my story and reached out to me. I did not feel so alone.
In an effort to move on, we’ve planned a special trip for our little family. My focus will be on a healthier lifestyle for the future as I try to forget about the loss. Every once in a while it still hits me like a brick wall, but I try to refocus my thoughts and get through the moment.
My husband is such an optimist, and he tells me that this is one more experience I have to relate to with people in my life and in my business. My grandmother always tells me that "God only gives us what we can handle”. I guess God thinks I am one hell of a strong woman. If that’s the case, then that is what will be. I will be strong for me, my daughter, my husband, and for the future children that will grace this family.
Jacqueline Neher became mama to Little Q in 2009 and is one half of the amazing baby planning and design company, Urban Chickadee.
You can follow her on Twitter and on her Facebook page for all the latest in design trends for babies and the mamas and daddies who love them!
Progress, pictures and a bit of a panic!
Ok, so in July of 2011 I had this big plan to document and blog about the whole process of us building our Natural Urban Home. And now it is the end of February and we are about five weeks away from getting possession of said home.
Um...
Oops!
I am so sorry for leaving you all out of the loop, but if you have been following along for the past 6 months you'll know how crazy and busy it has been around here (and in my mind).
But I have been taking pictures...
Lots and lots of pictures!
So when we left off, the full height ICF (insulated concrete forms) had just been poured. I get a lot of questions about why we built the house like this, so here it is, the top 5 reasons why we choose to use ICF (information from the ICForming website).
- ICF is highly energy efficient. The foam in LOGIX brand ICF walls provides a thermal resistance rating of R-24. This exceptionally high R-value, along with high thermal mass and reduced air infiltration, allow ICF walls to deliver significantly higher performance levels. I swear I can feel this already! Even before the electrical and heating was hooked up, it was significantly warmer inside the house. I can't wait to see what this does to our energy bills!
- The sound insulation is superior. ICF walls offer you a quieter, more tranquil interior environment. An ICF wall can easily achieve a sound transmission classification of STC 50, which is twice as high as a typical wood-framed wall. Loud noises outside an ICF building will be reduced to a whisper inside the building. This is a big deal for me. While I do love our neighbours dearly at our current house, I can seriously hear a whole conversation through our bedroom wall when they are in their back yard!
- It's highly moisture resistant. ICF Walls don't need an extra vapor barrier. For below-grade applications, LOGIX ICF provides a waterproofing system that ensures a comfortably dry basement. Improved air quality is another benefit as ICF eliminates the studs and cavities that can hold moisture and foster mold and mildew growth. I am all for no mold! I hate that smell and the health concerns that come with it!
- It's stronger and safer. ICF buildings are up to 8.5 times stronger than conventionally framed buildings. As a result, ICF walls are much better able to withstand severe weather such as hurricanes and tornadoes. ICF walls have a 3-hour fire rating as opposed to 15 minutes for a comparable wood framed wall. Just in case! Fire is my number one fear as a homeowner and this gives me a bit more peace of mind!
- It's environmentally friendly. Buildings constructed with ICF are designed to last for centuries, not decades. LOGIX ICF walls conserve precious natural forest resources and their energy efficiency reduces fuel consumption. The use of LOGIX promotes sustainable, green building practices, and is an investment in the future. And really, that is what our goal was when we envisioned the Natural Urban Home. So there you have it folks, a house that will last forever and will also be our forever home!
With the walls and the roof trusses up, you can really start to see the shape of the house coming together! And I am SO loving the floor to ceiling windows in every room! I am looking forward to so much natural light infusing our daily lives.
A little 'inspection' by the boys!
A few of the other main 'green' building choices that we incorporated in the house include an upgraded window package, with HP triple paned Argon-filled windows. This further improves the energy performance of our home and also reduces noise from the outside. The heating system throughout the home is a radiant in-floor heating system. I found a great explanation of the differences between radiant heating and forced-air heating on the BuildingGreen.com site. Essentially, with radiant floor heating you are heating the PERSON from the floor (feet) up via radiation of the heat, versus heating the AIR around the person via forced-air. We have NO major ductwork in our house, except for the small amount we needed for the air circulation/venting. The heat is now on in the house and I have had a little taste of the in-floor heating and I have to say that walking on the floors is going to be such a joy for this constantly cold-footed chikita!
And speaking of floors. We decided to go with concrete floors throughout the house. Yes, that's right, no hardwood, no tile and no carpet anywhere on the main floor. We chose to do this for a couple of reasons. First, we are making use of the material already present - the concrete. Second, it is a durable, easy to clean flooring option that also reduces allergens, and finally, because of its solar thermal mass properties, a concrete floor has the potential to provide the house with passive energy gains. This past week the concrete floor guys were in doing the polishing/grinding on the floors to give it a more 'salt and pepper' look with some areas of full exposure. I gave them the example of the look of the floor at our local IKEA store and I have to tell you that they came through and then some! I am so in love with how our floors look already and this is before they apply the (eco-friendly) epoxy and urethane coatings.
The hallway floors.
The interior finishings are so much more than I expected and I have to give HUGE props to our contractor and his foremen (Derrick and Steve) for doing an amazing job in custom building ALL of it for us!! We chose a rift-cut white oak for the cabinetry and built-ins in the house and it is absolutely beautiful! And yes, the island in my kitchen is almost 14 feet long!! Can you say "kitchen party" anyone? The apron-wrap 'blizzard' white quartz countertops and the stainless steel appliances should be arriving in about 2 weeks and I am very excited to see how it all comes together!
The kitchen.
The house had a slightly sloped ceiling (1/12 pitch) and on the vaulted area in the kitchen/dining/living space we warmed it up by installing wood on the ceiling! This is a look we first fell in love with on one of our trips to Mexico and I am so happy with how the natural pine boards complement the other woods in the cabinets, window casings and doors!
The Living Room.
Last week, the guys started working on the exterior siding. We had originally planned on using an acrylic stucco for the colored portions of the exterior, but on the advice from our builder, we switched to using a James Hardie fibre-cement siding. The HardiePanel™ product being used is sustainable, durable, uses raw natural materials (sand, water, wood pulp, cement), creates a better building envelope and has been used on multiple LEED® certified buildings in North America. And to be honest, I really like the look of it and also like that we are not like all other modern homes being built in the city using the flat acrylic stucco.
The house has sections of cedar siding as well as some metal panels and the whole exterior look of the place is really starting to come together. And according to the crew, our little Natural Urban Home is starting to be quite the talk of the neighbourhood, with people stopping and asking all about the house and the materials being used.
The back of the house.
Alright.
Well, now that you are all up to date on the goings on at the Natural Urban Home. I have to get back to packing....
Five weeks are going to go by VERY quickly!
In a bit of a packing panic,
Natasha~
P.S. We have also successfully just sold our current house! WOOHOO for one less thing to be stressed about!