I am not weak.

I am having a quicksand week. Or perhaps month. I started noticing it more after the time change. My kids were a mess and more so than ever, I was a mess. And I still am.

I am tired. Bone weary, not sure I should be driving some days, can't keep a thought in my head tired.

And I am irritable. I blame it on the tiredness, but I know it is more than that. I know I am disconnected from my life, from the people and things that are important to me. The schedule gets followed and I keep going, but there is little joy in it these days.

This is all leaving me with the slowly sinking into quicksand feeling. I can't struggle, because it will only make it worse. I will only get more tired and more irritable and I'll yell even more and grind my teeth and lose my patience and... and so I sink. I am not writing, I don't go to yoga, I don't play with my kids, I ignore others and I lose myself and hours in the mindless online black-hole that is social media.

I am not in a good place and I know it.

So I made a call.

I have an appointment in two weeks with someone to finally talk about all of this.

I am terrified.

And hopeful.

But mostly terrified.

Today, all I could think about was finding some inspiration to just keep going. To keep on my path, even though I am not 100% sure of that path and even though at the moment it looks like one fraught with thorny vines, brambles and lots of fallen logs. And quicksand.

My first stop was my go-to lady for inspiration, Elan Morgan of Schmutzie.com. Elan gave a TEDx talk in Regina last year and I had not watched it yet. So I did. And now I am telling you (and making is super easy for you) to go and watch it yourself. I love that she managed to incorporate one of her awesome lists in her talk. One that I want to copy and paste all over my walls and my brain and everywhere else I can think of.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MkaBXs9aPBU[/youtube]

Elan quoted Brene Brown in her talk, so next, I headed over to Brene's TED talks and was utterly and completely blown away. The tiredness left me for a moment. My brain perked up and paid attention and so much in my life just started to make sense to me. I am still terrified, but after watching Brene's videos, I feel like the hopefulness might have gained a bit of ground.

I can't stress how much I think EVERYONE, man and woman, NEEDS to watch all of these videos. Watch them, then get your husband to watch them and then send them to your sisters, your best friends, your mom.... EVERYONE.

Here they are.

Watch this one first.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Qm9cGRub0[/youtube]

Then this one.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0[/youtube]

Brene says that "Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativily and change."

Well, it's about to get all crazy-ass vulnerable around here for me and I am so ready for things to change. I really can't sink much further into this sand on my way to a breakdown spiritual awakening.

Please stick around until I come out on the other side of this.

{trying to} dare greatly,

Natasha~

I have hair growing in weird places

I feel like I need to explain some things. As I look back at the last few weeks of posts, I realize that all of them are rather self-centred. I have not written a babywearing post since the one I wrote about why I don't do 'forward facing out' went semi-viral (in my world that is) or a breastfeeding post since my journey, (Oh hell, let's call a spade a spade. At this point, 5 years, 9 months and 12 days, I think it is more of a breastfeeding odyssey), is finally coming to an end.

This past week I attended a wonderful Modern Mama event in our city called Mama Blogs. The expert panel consisted of Tanis Miller from Attack of the Redneck Mommy, Jennifer Banks from Techmommy and Make Jen's Day, Felicia Dewar from Single Mom of Two and Jenifer Shaefer of City and Baby fame.  These fabulous bloggers talked to a room full of women about the why, what and how-tos of blogging in today's hyper-connected world. Through it all the one key message that kept coming up (for me) was about "knowing your voice" and "finding your voice" through your blog.

All of it got me thinking about my blog even more than I usually do.

So let me lay this out for you...

In the beginning, I did not want to blog.

True story.

If you know my old business partner, you can ask her. It was like pulling teeth to get me to write at least once or twice a month on our little business blog. I mostly wrote about our new products, why I loved them and why you should too and all other kinds of things hoping to drive more business to our little online natural parenting store.

And then, in the summer of 2010, something I like to call "The Twitter Effect" happened. Although I had opened my Twitter acount in December 2009, I really did not start using it much until the Spring of 2010. At that time I started to interact and connect with like-minded people and became a regular at the #BFcafe chats on Thursday nights.

One day I got an Direct Message that changed my {online} life. Claire, aka @lactating girl sent me a tweet asking me if I would like to participate in the Breastfeeding Cafe Carnival of blog posts for that year. I was flabbergasted! Really, I was. And I was not sure that I could do it! 14 days of blogging about breastfeeding. I mean, really, how much can one person say about it!

As it turns out, quite a bit actually. I blogged about breastfeeding at work, I blogged about breastfeeding under special circumstances, I blogged about nighttime breastfeeding and I blogged about what breastfeeding meant to me and for my children. For 14 days I wrote all about breastfeeding and in the end those two weeks taught me more about myself and the Internet and the power of words than anything else in my life so far.

Those 14 days turned me into a BLOGGER.

Perhaps it was the community I was becoming part of on Twitter and through the Carnival and on my blog. Maybe it was the comments that I was getting and the emails thanking me for my posts and asking me for advice. Maybe it was the thrill of capturing and remembering moments with my children that were long past. Whatever the reason, something awakened in me that summer and it felt amazing!

And the more I read of others blogs, the more I wrote. I discovered amazing blogs like Enjoying the Small Things and Phd in Parenting and Adventures in Babywearing  and Mom 101 and I started to see the potential and the kind of blogger that I wanted to be when I grew up.

Keep in mind that at this point my blog was still a part of my online retail business and while my focus was mainly on the store, the seed of writing had been planted and was starting to take root. And while I still wrote posts meant to drive traffic and business to the store, more and more the posts that meant the most to me and as it turns out, resonated the most with YOU, where the ones that were more personal and the ones that delved deeper into the parenting and world issues that concerned me.

Some of them were funny (in retrospect) and some very raw and soul baring. I started paying closer attention to the world around me and realizing that my voice just might have some itty little bit of power and that I could use it to advocate for change and awareness or even to just rant a bit! I used my blogging voice to chronicle the building of our dream home and to capture moments with my children.

In 2011, I decided it was time to attend my first blogging conference. And then I went to two of them in a span of two weeks. And boy oh boy, did I ever get an education about blogging! I learned so much from so many great people at these conferences. I met the wonderful and insightful Alex from @clippo (who was a business and personal blogger at that point as well) and spent some quality time with some of my blogging heros like  Tanis the Redneck Mommy and Elan "Schmutzie" Morgan.  To say that these conferences where eye-opening would be the understatement of the decade for me and I blogged about that whole experience here!

I continued to hone my blogging voice and took on a few 30 day blogging challenges to really get the creative juices flowing.  In the winter of 2011, after MUCH deliberation and discussion with Natural Urban Dad, I decided it was time to close my store. And yes, I blogged about that too.

After the store closed, my blog suddenly became less a place for me to talk shop and more a place for me to talk straight. To get all the rambling thoughts that were in my head out and onto the screen. It became a place for me to share more personal posts, to fully explore this creative and expressive part of me that was starting to take over and it became a place for me to let this process take it's natural course.

I was growing as a blogger and {dare I say it?} as a writer too.

As in all things in life, this is an ever evolving process. My blogging goals from three years ago are VASTLY different than the ones I have now. My writing style has improved tremendously (in my opinion at least) and I want to continue to work even harder and make it even better.

At the Mama Blogs event the other night, I mentioned to my new friend Sarah that I felt like my blogging voice was changing yet again and she said to me,

"That's OK, you are just going through blogger puberty."

And I couldn't have said it better myself!

So yes, in case you may have noticed, my voice IS changing. It may be a bit pitchy for the next little while, as I am sure I will hit some high notes and some low ones too. It is time to start using the grown up deodorant and deal with all the changes that this "coming of age" stage of my blogging career entails.

Trust me, it can {and will} only get better!

Bloggingly yours,

Natasha~

P.S. I started this post last night. I woke up today and read THIS wonderful post from Liz at Mom 101 and am even more resigned now to truly understand that if I LOVE what I am doing, my purpose will reveal itself.  It's all very, "If you build it, they will come!" up in my head today!

P.P.S Here is an actual picture of me in the throes of puberty! It's not pretty and by the looks of it, I was maturing into some kind of feathered being!! {It was the eighties, what can I say.}

Phase one

Yesterday, I signed up for my first writing course. It is an online course being taught by the awesome Alice Bradley of FinSlippy fame.

I have been a big FinSlippy fangirl  for quite a while now and so, when Alice made the announcement about her course yesterday, I jumped at it!

And then I went and caught up on a whole bunch of her blog posts that I haven't read yet.

I didn't have to go too far back to find a post that made me feel like I got hit with a hammer in the head...

Alice posted this video on her blog and introduced me to the genius that is Jay Smooth, aka illdoctrine.com.

I swear he took all of these thoughts directly out of my head!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TpmJgSfZ_8[/youtube]

I don't care what you do. Be it a writer, an artist, a blogger, a stay-at-home mama, or you are working 40+ hours a week at a job you love/hate, we all have issues with the little hater.

I've written about my little hater before. She likes to come and see me from time to time and no matter how hard I try to exile her from my mind, she finds another way in. Lately her hate spewing is not so much about my parenting, but more so about ME. It's about my writing, it's about my purpose in life, it's about what I am contributing to my community and what will be my legacy in this world (besides the two amazing little humans I have helped create who are going to ROCK it!!).

And as much as I HATE the little hater, I think in some way I need her. Since watching Jay's video (about 5 times already!) I have really been thinking a lot about what that voice is saying to me and why? What is it that am I missing in all of this?

And then it hit me...

Jay talks about being a perfectionist in the video and I get that, I am one too, but beyond that, I love instant gratification. I am an impulse buyer, a watch it now even though I have a PVR television show watcher and a compulsive email checker. This is probably why I like Twitter so much. When I tweet something brilliant, people respond to me immediately. ;)

As a writer though, I think I really need to get over this. I need to realize that with any kind of creative outlet there will always be with those who love what you do, those who don't, those who will shout it from the rooftops and those who will silently enjoy it. And the trolls, there will always be BIG haters too. It is the price paid for putting our words, thoughts, and ideas on the interwebs for all to see.

Ultimately, I also need to remember who I am writing for. In a recent #blognow chat on Twitter, the awesome Tanis from The Redneck Mommy said it best.

[tweet https://twitter.com/redneckmommy/status/245693554645663744 align='center']

Moral of the story. Sometimes the little hater in our head in a necessary evil that helps us to figure out what really matters. We can give in to that little mean voice or we can use it to grow, learn and keep on going!

I choose the latter.

And Phase One of my learning and growth starts with getting my writing butt kicked into high gear by Alice!

Natasha~

P.S. I am VERY happy to have all of you as my audience and I do so love when you leave comments too. Even a little one is nice! {Thank you}

On writing... {oh wait, someone else already wrote that}

Reading usually precedes writing and the impulse to write is almost always fired by reading. Reading, the love of reading, is what makes you dream of becoming a writer.

~Susan Sontag

Yup. What she said!

There truly is nothing more inspiring than reading someone else's really great writing to get your own writing juices flowing. And right now, I feel like a flood-swollen river is raging through my brain.

I have just finished reading all of the Five Star Friday posts from Schmutzie's  weekly weblog round-up and all I can say is...

OH. MY. GAWD. It was one helluva good week for the writers of the interwebs!

I can't possible recap all of it, so just head on over there and read them all! It is well worth your time, I promise. (Also, I may be full-on fangirl crushing on Schmutzie right now, she really is kind of super-duper awesome!)

And speaking of WRITERS.

I said it last night.

Someone asked me what I do and I said, " I am a writer."

I am not sure that all would 'technically' agree with me on this one, but it is how I feel about myself. It is how I want to feel and think  about what I am doing with my life and since it now is what I am doing (in between all the mothering, wife-ing and life living stuff), I am going to say it again.

I am a writer.

I may not be a particularly GOOD writer just yet, but I am getting there. I am truly focused on becoming better at this craft and am right now setting new goals for myself in this regard! I have made the very tough decision to forgo any major blogging conferences this year in favor of taking a few creative writing courses and finding a great writing retreat or seminar to attend. I am getting serious here people!

And something else happened today. An idea popped into my head. One that has never happened before. A fictional idea.

A BOOK idea.

I have never thought of myself as a fiction writer (well, let's be honest, I have not really been thinking of myself as a writer at all until very recently), so the fact that I had this little brain toot today kind of came as a surprise to me. And I just can't stop thinking about it.

That must mean something right?

Now before I start getting WAY too ahead of myself, I figure I am going to need a few things to get me to the point that I (and others) can feel more comfortable identifying me as a writer. To that end, I am arming myself with some tools of the trade recommended to me by some amazing writers that I love and respect.

First up, On Writing, A Memoir of the Craft by Stephen King.

Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE that I know, who has read this book has said that it is life {and craft} changing! I have just finished reading the first two of his three forewords and I can already see that this will likely be the case for me too.

And because Mr. King said so in the second of the aforementioned forewords, the other tool of the trade that I am arming myself with is Strunk & White's The Elements of Style. I figure if I am to be any kind of writer, it is probably a good idea to have THE essential book of writing at my disposal. I am sure I am breaking all the basic rules of writing left, right and centre every day here, some of them I recognize, others I do not. Let's hope this helps me recognize the really awful ones and remedy what I can!

Writing is a funny thing. It is freeing, it is strangely addictive and it is incredibly empowering. It taps into that part of me that I often keep hidden deep inside. It lets me exercise my brain, work out my thoughts, ideas and feelings and it is something that is mine. ALL mine. I mean, I share it with all of you of course, but these are my words, my thoughts, my prose.

What I write may not always be that important or interesting to everyone, but for me, every sentence that I type is one step further into this world of words and thought and imagination that makes me feel whole.

And for the last few days all I keep thinking about are the books and blog posts and essays that I have read that have changed my life and I am wondering what it would feel like to be the one who wrote the words that actually did that for someone else....

Natasha~

Crap, this is harder than I remember...

I am sorry everyone. I am tired. I have a stupendous mother of a headache.

And I just can't get my mind to think straight tonight.

I don't remember this blogging for a month thing being so hard last time I did it.

I have a ton of great blog post ideas, really I do.

But once I get here, the words are just not coming out the way I want them to. (I have punted two posts already tonight.)

This CHALLENGE that I started is proving to be very, ummm... challenging!

NO! I am not giving up...

...but I am crapping out on you tonight with this as my post!

I need to clear my head. Go to bed before midnight and start fresh tomorrow.

Good night all.

This is me fooling around with Photobooth.

See, even when I am all 'thermal camera'd' I look tired!

Sleep tight,

Natasha~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is my {crap out} of a post for Day 5 of the Summer Blog Challenge {31 Posts in 31 Days}

Please visit the other fabulous bloggers who are doing so much better at this than I am...

Zita at The Dulock Diaries.

Meaghan at MagzD Life

April at This Mom’s Got Something to Say

Aramelle at One Wheeler’s World

And please give a warm welcome to our late comer to the party, the fabulous Jessica at 2plus2X2!

I was robbed...

... of my online space that is.

 

A few weeks ago, my home on the interwebz was broken into, and instead of taking shit, like 'normal' thieves do, these criminals left a whole bunch of NASTY stuff behind.

And all of the nasty made a REALLY BIG MESS and got my site 'black-listed' on the Googles!

Oh the Shame!

(Seriously, it sounds so damn ominous and cold war-ish. I feel like one of the Hollywood Ten. OK, not really, but seeing a big red screen shot saying your site is DANGEROUS every day for two week sucks big time and makes you feel awful and really mad that someone has taken away something kind of important in your life.)

Now given that I am no web genius by any means, I reached out to the universe (aka Twitter) and pleaded for help.

I have to give a huge shout out to @danaditomaso and @jkparker for coming to my rescue and being the geniuses that they are. They both gave selflessly of their time/expertise and helped get me and my little website out of this NASTY jam.

And on that note, I have a few reminders for everyone:

1. Keep your site(s) updated to the latest version and free from clutter (like unused plug-ins and such).

2. Change your passwords periodically and make them really, REALLY hard for anyone to guess or figure out (use upper and lower case letters, numbers and symbols).

3. Be nice to your IT friends, always!!!

Now, I have a back log of posts that are mostly in my head right now, but once I can get some alone time I will get working on them and get some posted as soon as I can.

Thanks for sticking around.

Cheers all,

Natasha~

Photo credit: devdsp on Flickr