Feminism: A myriad of differences.
I was about to write "it's a tough time to be a feminist" as the opening line to this post and then I realized where I am, WHO I am, what year it is and I gave my head a good shake. In the past few months and weeks it has become very apparent to me what it means to wear the moniker of 'feminist' and truly embrace what this means in our modern society. And to be perfectly honest, it is not an easy road, or a pretty one, and more often than not, my heart and my mind hurt from the things that I read about or see in my daily life. It is enough that some days, I just have to turn off my phone/internet and remove myself from the hate that exists towards women and retreat back to my easy, pretty, and yes, fully-acknowledged, privileged, bubble of a life.
My bigger problem though is that I am a born 'fixer'. Not on the scale of say, an Oliva Pope mind you, but ask around and you'll know that in a crisis or in the face of problems, I am the level-head, the straight talker, the reality-checker and the one looking for a solution, having the tough conversations and trying to find actionable items that move everyone forward. So when I see a problem, big or small, and when I think I can somehow make a difference, I will more often then not try to fix it.
This explains why I get very invested in causes and peoples stories that may or may not have anything to do with where I live (ex: American politics), what colour my skin is (racism in North America) or whom I choose to love (equal rights for same sex couples). These issues may not be as prominent (or publicized) in my privileged middle class backyard here in Canada, but they are issues that in some way, shape or form, affect the greater world that I live in. Standing idle while these marginalized groups fight for rights so many of us take for granted just doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel like I am working at making this world a better one for my children and it doesn't feel right to be an example of complacency in the face of injustice.
I tell my kids all the time that if someone is doing something that they know is wrong or mean, to step up and say, "Hey, that's not nice, please stop doing that'. I also tell them that more often than not, they can accomplish much more when they are working together, than when they are fighting over the semantics of whose turn it is to do this or that.
Which brings me back to feminism.
I've said it before; having children was the turning point for my acknowledgment of my own feminism and the realization that yes, by golly, I am a FEMINIST. But I do understand that for a lot of women, young and old, even saying that out loud can be a tough thing to do. A quick google image search of the word feminist and you come up with four subcategories, Women, Angry, Stereotypes and Anti-Feminist, as well as image after image of protest signs, angry women and memes of "Man-hating, ball-breaking, hairy-legged feminists." I can see how that can be a hard pill for some to swallow. Feminism isn't portrayed as being all that pretty and of course, as we all know, girls and women are supposed to be pretty and feminine and sugar and spice and all that NICE bullshit... RIGHT?
According to who? (That may be the bigger question here.)
Since the beginning of time, women have been portrayed in writing (and therefore in media) as the lesser of the sexes. I mean geez, according to some theologies, GOD even got it wrong the first time and had to replace Lilith (created from the earth as Adam's equal) with Eve, who was then created FROM Adam. And then Eve went and used her brain to question her surroundings and supposedly effed up that perfect utopia for all of us! Seriously ladies, our struggle for equality goes back way farther than we can even imagine!
And we continue to struggle. Only lately, there is something about feminism, especially within the online community that has me concerned. I have seen it before with the dreaded "mommy wars" and the "Breastfeeding vs. Formula-feeding" battles that erupt online and in the media. These so-called (and much baited) wars and battles serve only one purpose. They take attention away from the REAL problems in our society, they deflect any kind of blame or responsibility from the corporate or political culprits who in turn only benefit from this continued in-fighting. These word battles within our communities that are often fraught with emotion and personal investment rarely further any kind of real conversation about the issues at hand and become fodder for trolling and contribute to divisiveness amongst those that are seeking to make positive changes for the good of all.
We all come to our feminism through different paths and from different backgrounds, just as we do to all aspects of our lives. I can not, nor would I presume to understand the journey of a woman of colour on her feminist path, nor would I think I could know the thoughts of a lesbian or trans* woman on her path, nor for that matter, even the journey of the white, cis-gendered, heterosexual woman down the street from me. We are all different people, with different lives, loves and histories. I won't presume to say who has it rougher than anyone else. I also won't dismiss our differences, our histories, nor the inherent privilege that exists on my own journey.
What I also can't dismiss anymore is the fighting that is happening within the feminist movement. Especially within the online feminist community. I appreciate different points of view and I appreciate the education that I have received in the past few weeks, especially from and about WOC and feminism (Please go and read, Audre Lorde's essay, Age, Race, Class and Sex: Women Redefining Difference, RIGHT NOW!). I have a backlog of blog posts and articles that I am reading every day and I while I have read some very awful, racist, anti-feminist writing, I have read even more incredibly insightful and beautiful posts, by some of the internet's best feminist writers. I have to say that I have also seen a little too much of the "Bitch Please!" kind of post where the point of our battle is lost in the mire of checking or unchecking one's privilege or lack thereof or lamenting how someone is not doing feminism 'right'. Isn't the point of intersectionality to acknowledge our differences and not judge them?
Late last year, my friend Zita had a line in a wonderful post that I feel once again, fits this situation to a T.
The greatest trick patriarchy ever pulled was convincing women that we are each other’s enemies.
Maybe I am naive in my activism. Maybe I myself am not doing feminism "right" and I'm too idealistic. The thing is, I am not sure we are winning anything right now. Audre Lorde's essay was written in 1980 (have you read it yet?) and it may as well have been written last week. In America, women's rights to bodily autonomy are being revoked in a dangerous state by state game of falling dominos. In the UK, a woman received death and rape threats because she successfully campaigned to have a woman's face on a banknote, in a country that has a QUEEN as head of state. There is a brutal and appalling thing called 'corrective rape' that happens to girls in Africa who are gay and in my own city, we have a men's rights group, with members who truly think that feminists are "the monster that has had so much power and say in our laws, government, and culture."
We have to stop fighting each other. As you can see from the examples above, there are so many other things we have to combat. We have to embrace our differences and stand together. Black, white, asian, Latina, bi-racial, lesbian, gay, queer, trans, straight, and whatever else you want to add to that list... We are all in this together and our voices have more meaning and more impact when they are raised in unison and not against each other. Look at what happened when Wendy Davis stood up (literally) not just for the women of Texas, but for ALL OF US. Never in all my time on the internet did I feel so much a part of such a powerful, positive, and inspiring movement as I did that night! THAT is the kind of feeling and rallying and unity that is going to affect change in our world. If I could have bottled that feeling of hope and solidarity from that night and mass produced it, I would have!
Feminism is not going anywhere anytime soon. We still have a lot of work to do. I will continue to use my own 'fixer' skills as best I can from my end. I will stand up for the women in my community and beyond. I will do everything in my power to see that this world is a better one for my daughter and my son. I will work harder to see feminism from all its myriad of differences and perspectives. For as Audre Lorde said more than 30 years ago:
"The future of our earth may depend upon the ability of all women to identify and develop new definitions of power and new patterns of relating across difference."
Honouring our differences and in solidarity with all,
Natasha~
make your bed and be on time
Happiness is a funny thing. Sometimes it hits you just as hard as its arch-nemesis, sadness and/or depression.
And then you don't know what to do about it.
You don't want to talk about it, because then you'll *JINX* it. You don't want to celebrate anything too wildly, because you don't want to seem boastful or like you are rubbing it in anyone's face. And because of the nature of our often cruel and spiteful world, you hold your breath, silently enjoying your happy, while at the same time, constantly looking over your shoulder, waiting for that ominous other shoe to drop.
But why should anyone feel ashamed of being happy? That just seems incredibly counter intuitive to the whole concept.
Yet, there it is.
I'd like to blame the Internet for this shame (or more specifically, Facebook), but that's not quite right. The Internet, for all that we capitalize the word, it not an identity, not a person or persons that we can "blame" for our happiness, our sadness, or any emotion that we feel. The Internet is a means of communicating, of connecting and of sharing information. How we FEEL about that information is completely up to us. We are in charge of our use of it and of how much or how little of it we filter.
Last week, I read about tech journalist Paul Miller's return to the Internet after 365 days offline. I think most people, including Paul, expected this grand epiphany to occur during his time away from the digital world. He left the internet to find the 'Real Paul', because he thought that being online had somehow 'corrupted' him. What he in fact ended up realizing was not quite what he had in mind.
What I do know is that I can't blame the internet, or any circumstance, for my problems. I have many of the same priorities I had before I left the internet: family, friends, work, learning. And I have no guarantee I'll stick with them when I get back on the internet — I probably won't, to be honest. But at least I'll know that it's not the internet's fault. I'll know who's responsible, and who can fix it.
Right now, at this moment in my life, I am happier than I have been in months.
Life does not feel overwhelming to me right now. Maybe it is because I have slowed down and am paying closer attention to the little things more. Maybe it's because I am paying someone a crap-load of money to let me cry buckets in her office and leave all of the sadness there before our time is up. Maybe it's because I have FINALLY realized that flying by the seat of one's pants is not always the best way to go about one's life, especially when you are the one responsible for other, smaller people's lives as well.
I believe that a strange combination of a lot of little things has added up to me being a happier, more calm, more zen version of me than I have ever been before. Some of these things may seem silly, but here are just a few examples of what makes me feel happy these days.
All the beds are made every morning in our house. I never thought of unmade beds as a big deal before. We were just going to go to sleep in them again in 12-16 hours, so why bother making them? Well, I am here to tell you that it does make a difference. A made bed looks better, it makes you feel ORGANIZED and it gives you a good jumping off point in the mornings. And why spend all that money on a fancy duvet cover only to crumple it up in a ball every day?
Being on time. For those of you who don't know me very well, punctuality is NOT one of my virtues. It's a running joke within my family that I am told to arrive at least 30 minutes before the actual start time for any important events. My clock in my car is set 17 minutes ahead for the same reason. It got to the point that the one time a few months ago when we were early for an appointment and I mentioned this to the kids, my son looked at me and said, "Mom, what does early mean?" I vowed then and there to change that and for the most part, I have. Now he asks me if we are going to be TOO early everywhere we go.
Date nights. My husband and I have always had date nights, but we used to fill them with things to do. We would go to a movie or shop or stroll through Ikea or go for a drive. Date nights now are dinner at a new restaurant we haven't tried before. They are a minimum of three hours long and we eat wonderful food and we TALK. We talk about our life, we talk about others, we discuss plans for the future, we people watch and and *sometimes* we make up funny stories about the folks at the next table. We sit across the table and give each other our undivided attention. It's not just about getting out of the house and away from the kids, it's about growing together and discovering all over again why we love each other so much. And... *ahem*... all that intellectual stimulation makes for great foreplay!
No more Facebook. I know it seems silly and according to Paul, was not what was making him unhappy, but for me, not engaging on Facebook has somehow given me a release from something that was holding me back. I can't quite articulate what that something was just yet, but I do know that it is not there anymore. I admit that I do creep on FB sometimes and have to keep my account active to manage the page for the Natural Urban Mamas community, but I do not LIKE or COMMENT on anything. It simply doesn't seem genuine to me anymore and although I can see and love all the new baby/new house/new car/fabulous vacations that you are all posting about, I really would rather we went for coffee or I popped over to see you and the baby/house/car/pictures in person.
Losing the fear of just being ME. The other day, my good friend Jen Banks asked me to present an award at The Yeggies, a celebration of all the local and amazing social media folks in my fair city. I was thrilled to do so and immediately said yes. The wonderful Tanis Miller won for Best in Family and Parenting and it was an honour to present the woman who inspired me to blog this well-deserved award. Afterwards someone asked me if I was scared speaking in front of a room full of so many people. I said no, not at all. I may have been nervous right before I hit the stage, but I was not afraid. A few weeks ago, I changed my Twitter handle from @SAHFeminist to @NatashaChiam. And while it is a bit scary to put one's REAL name out there for all the Internet to see, it felt right. Just like being up on a stage with a microphone in front of me does.
It's a strange thing to be fearless. I don't think that it means to fear nothing. That would just be silly, because if a tiger escaped from the zoo and made its way to my back yard, trust me, there would be FEAR (and possibly some soiled underpants as well). I think fearless means to be brave and the dictionary defines brave as "being able to face fear and danger without flinching." *I* say being brave and fearless means being able to face LIFE without flinching.
And in that regard, I believe that fearlessness is a direct line to happiness. If we can face our lives without flinching, if we can own who we are, the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly, and if we can do so honestly, than one day, without you even seeing it coming, HAPPINESS is going to come right up to you, smack you in the face and say,
HA!!
GOTCHA!!
Natasha~
Photo Credit: Sparklerawk on Flickr
~~~~~~~~~~~~
What about you? How do you define happiness? Or fearlessness?
How to be a proper "mommy blogger".
I have just finished watching all three first seasons of Downton Abbey. It took about three episodes of season one to hook me, but after that I was a goner. It really is a very well written, acted and produced show and I am looking forward to season 4.
I was drawn to the show for a few different reasons. One, EVERYONE and their well-bred dogs kept going on and on about it and so I had to see what all the fuss was about. Two, I have a secret obsession with all kinds of historical dramas set in England (I am a quarter British BTW). I have seen the Elizabeth movies about five times each, I am a huge fan of The Tudors, and this just seemed to fit in with the whole genre. And three, my maternal grandmother (the British part of me) was a governess for a very wealthy French family in the 1930-40s in and a glimpse into this kind of life, albeit an earlier version, was very eye-opening for me and somehow has made me feel close to her again.
The show also gave me chills at times, especially with regard to the way that women of that era where regarded. I grew up with MANY lessons from my grandmother on how to be a proper lady, on how to act properly and to know and show proper etiquette at all times. At quite an early age, I could have told you what all of the forks, spoons and knives where for in a formal dinner setting. Also, a lady never crosses her legs, a lady sits up straight and a lady has a dainty and ladylike laugh. My grandmother had a full set of the large sized Encyclopedia Britannica and would make me do laps in the house with one on my head, for proper posture of course. She used to brush my hair one hundred times a night. EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. And then we would say the Lord's prayer and at least one Hail Mary, in French, before going to sleep. I was on my way to being a good and proper little lady! Oh Helene (what we called my granny) if you only knew!
It may not come as a surprise that I have ended up relating most to Lady Edith Grantham as a character. She is not the overtly rebellious one like Sybil or the super-traditionalist, doing her duty for the family, Mary. She constantly gets overlooked by everyone and eventually comes into her own, by her own devices and finds a way for her voice to be heard, if not by her family, then by a much wider audience as a writer for a London magazine. Go Edith!!
Why all this Downton Abbey talk?
Well, it has been an interesting week in the "mommy blogger" world. Let me just check my calendar... yup, it has been about three months since anyone took a good swing at the bloggers/writers/business women who are also mothers. And swing they did.
The Wall Street Journal published the incredibly condescending article about "The Mommy Business Trip" and, well... you can imagine the fallout. Or if you can't, you can go read all about it HERE, and HERE and HERE and oh, just Google it, you'll see.... Hell hath no fury like a belittled blogger and mother!
I admit that I too was rather upset about the article. I am not a blogging conference expert or anything, but I have attended a few and in my former career, I have also attended multiple large medical conferences, as both a sponsor and an attendee. For the medical conferences, I left my husband for 2-4 days at a time, I stayed in fancy hotels, I ate at 4 and 5 star restaurants-sometimes on my dime, sometimes on someone else's and I attended sessions that were of interest to me and my profession. I also attended the sponsored cocktail parties and mingled and met with, and was awe-stricken by people whose names I had only ever seen in the British Medical Journal or the Lancet on papers that listed them as lead authors and researchers!
For the blogging conferences, I left my husband and children for 2-4 days, I stayed at a fancy hotel, I ate at 4 and 5 star restaurants-sometimes on my dime, sometimes on someone else's and I attended sessions that were of interest to me and my profession. I also attended the sponsored cocktail parties and mingled and met with, and was awe-stricken by people whose names I had only ever seen on Twitter or on their VERY successful blogs!
Anyone spot the MAJOR difference between these two scenarios?
Children. That's about it really. But that seems to be the crux of it. In the WS article, there is no mention of the men attending blogging conferences, no mention of the childless attendees, themselves also eating ten dollar bags of chips of the floors of hotel rooms. Nope, just the mommies, the ones not living up to some archaic notion of what a proper mother should be and do with her time (and from the implications in the article, with her husband's money as well).
Yes, I started blogging after I had children. My writing before then was of a very different kind. It was scientific and was about proposals and presentations and such. Those business trips and conferences were seen as an integral part of my job and it was expected that I attend them to keep up to date with the most current research, to keep my face and expertise in front of important clients from all over the world and to enhance my knowledge in my field.
My conundrum this past week has been this. Why is this so hard for everyone to understand about blogging conferences? Are the people who attend these conferences, YES, even the "mommy bloggers", not doing the exact same thing? Keeping up to date with the current (and VERY fast moving) pace of online publishing, getting those crucial face-to-face meetings with clients/potential partners and meeting the ever important "connectors" and "mavens" of the blogging world. And most of all, to enhance their knowledge in their chosen field of work, be it SEO, working with brands, finding writing inspiration, being a better photographer/vlogger, etc....
I made the mistake of reading the comment section of the WSJ article and what hit me the most, and what brings me back to Downton Abbey, is that, from the incredibly condescending lede, to the overall tone of the article (which, by the way, was written by a woman), the one major impression I got from it, and what I feel from a lot of these "mommy blogger", click-bait, page-view hungry articles, published mostly in old-school mainstream media outlets, is the incredible misogynistic tone taken against women and especially mothers. There is an overbearing feeling of someone reminding us to "know our proper place in the world". Of us being scolded and reminded of how to be the proper lady and the proper mother and the proper hobbyist. God forbid that we all decide, just like Lady Edith does, to use our brains and voice our opinions to a larger audience. To start businesses and be successful at them and then need to stay up to date with the world and work that we are doing through conferences and meetings.
It seems ridiculous that I have to point this out in 2013, but just like post-war 1920s in England, the times they are-a-changing people. It's a business trip. NOT a "MOMMY" anything.
End of story!!
Now, do please excuse me. I am off to brush my hair. 1, 2, 3, 4....
Natasha~
Cookies before dinner.
You tell yourself you are just going to try it. To see what all the fuss is about. I mean its free, right? So there is no harm done there and besides, all your friends are trying it too.
It's pretty fun actually. You have a good time, play some silly vampire vs werewolf games, find out your stripper name, poke some people, catch up with old friends and even find some new ones.
You start doing it more and more. You start adding pictures of your life. What you made for dinner, what you did that day, funny shots of the kids. You like more of your friend's stuff and your 'friends' like your stuff too. Soon you are sharing all kinds of things with all of these friends. Things that you like and things that you think they will like too. And they do, they really, really like YOU and all your things!
This all starts to feel really good. Whenever you share a picture or a status or a post, it gets liked and then YOU feel good and popular and LIKED. And repeat
and repeat
and repeat.
.
.
.
.
And then one day, somewhere between a healthy dose of keeping in touch with friends, obsessive ranting about EVERYTHING, and scrolling through your timeline to like as much as you can and see how many likes you have that day, it somehow becomes more important to constantly update your Facebook status and check on all your "friends", than it is to actually spend time with the real live people in your life.
.
.
.
This is your wake up call....
for you and your kids!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This past weekend I attended a lecture by Dr. Gordon Neufeld on Raising Children in a Digital World. My friend Nancy has been bugging me for years to go to one of his talks and I finally listened to her.
Dr. Neufeld is a clinical psychologist and the author of the wonderful parenting book, Hold On to Your Kids. If this book is not in your possession yet, then I highly recommend it (just maybe wait for the updated edition coming out this summer). Dr. Neufeld's research and field of study is that of human attachment and how this affects development in our children. His book is all about why parents need to matter to our kids more so than their peers and his theories and practical application of them is even more relevant in the bright lights of the digital revolution than ever before.
Dr. Neufeld started his talk with a quote from Marshal McCluhan, who said that for every tool of the media that extends our reach (and I guess that would include social media these days), there is an equal and proportional amputation of something else.
What I learned at Dr. Neufeld's talk is that we, the parents of all of these "digital native" kids, are quite possibly that "something else" at risk of being amputated from our kids lives!
In his book and in his lectures, Dr. Neufeld talks about a phenomenon he calls peer orientation. Simply put, this means that children become more attached to their peers than to their parents or the adults responsible for them.
Attachment is the most significant and pre-eminent need of human beings. We need to connect with each other. This is true of the newborn baby needing closeness and proximity to their mothers and it is also true for the toddler who is having a complete temper tantrum and needs a hug far more than he needs a time-out. It is true for the teenager who is desperately looking to belong and to simultaneously be their own individual and it may very well be true of the grown-up on Facebook, trying to make connections with people who are like her, who understand her, and who can validate her life.
So what does this all mean? What are we, the parents, to do in this digital age when our kids have such easy access to their peers practically 24/7?
We can't turn back the clocks and take away all the digital media in our lives, so how do we make sure that it is not RUNNING or RUINING our lives and the lives of our children?
Dr. Neufeld gave a very simple analogy at his talk that made everything so very clear to me.
Cookies.
Yes, cookies.
Cookies are delicious treats and everyone likes them.
BUT...
There is an optimal time for cookies.
If we eat cookies before we eat dinner, than we will ruin our appetites for the real meal that fills us up with all the vitamins and nutrients that our body needs to grow and stay healthy.
In the digital world, cookies are the internet and all it's fudgeo, marshmallow-y, gooey chocolate chip fillings!
The cookies he is talking about refers to any form of digital media - Facebook, texting, gaming, Instagram or the new and in my opinion, kinda sketchy, Snapchat. The MEAL is the attachment we have with our children, our connection to the people in our lives that are closest to us. We need to fill our children with a good healthy meal of attachment, of love and trust and respect (for self and for others) before we let them out into the digital world to have cookies.
And even then, when we do let them out into that world, we have to make sure that they are not INGESTING more cookies (information) than they can actually DIGEST. This can be a tricky thing to figure out and is probably different for every kid, but one thing is certain, we are putting these devices into the hands of our kids, giving them unlimited access to all of this information and education, and what we are failing to realize is that they are then re-purposing them as a means of connection and attachment. If we are not filling them up with that kind of connection with US, that sense of belonging and sameness, then all we are doing is sending them out into this world hungry for those connections and that intimacy.
And intimacy they will find online. IN SPADES. It will be a superficial kind of connection though, one that is empty and does not actually provide any kind of lasting fulfilment. Just like cookies. They are delicious, but they don't fill you up properly and in an hour, you are just hungry for more cookies.
At the halfway mark of Dr. Neufeld's talk, I literally grabbed my head and gave it a shake, because what he was saying just then, quite literally BLEW MY MIND!!
He was talking about his sabbatical in a small town in Provence, France and how he coud not figure out why he and his wife where not getting good service from the local merchants in town. It wasn't until a resident told him that he was being "barbaric" in his interactions with people, that he understood the problem. He had not been making eye contact, getting a smile and a nod from the town merchants, before launching into his needs or wants from them. In other words, he was not using basic manners for human discourse! It wasn't until they understood this concept of "collecting", this face-to-face setting of the stage for human interaction, that things started to turn around for them in town.
Now take this concept and apply it to FACEBOOK!
There is no 'collecting' in social media. There is no eye contact, no smiling, no acknowledgment of 'Yes, I SEE you, I KNOW you.' Basic manners and rules of human interaction have left the building people! Trust me, I've been in one too many Facebook "conversations" to know that this is precisely the case. Digital intimacy is EMPTY because this simple attachment invitation does not get across. Nowadays parents, not only do we need to talk to our kids about unsafe intercourse, we have to talk to our children about the dangers of UNSAFE DISCOURSE!
Dr. Neufeld points out that the consequences of this kind of empty digital intimacy can be just as devastating for our children:
- it spoils the appetite for true intimacy and meaningful connection
- it takes them away from their parents who are meant to be their 'answers'
- it fuels obsessions and addictions (new research from Germany shows that digital addictions are more addictive than cigarettes and alcohol)
- the preoccupation arrests the maturing process, rendering them stuck in immaturity
- and ironically, it increases feelings of loneliness and frustration
And really, it's not just our kids who are in danger here. These kinds of empty and superficial connections are affecting grown-ups as well and perhaps this is the real danger. If we are spoiling our own appetites for meaningful connections, if we are not being fulfilled in our own relationships and are depending more and more on superficial ones via social media, than how on earth are we to be the example for our children and show them how to foster proper human attachments?
I went home Sunday night with my mind abuzz with so many swirling thoughts about my own dependency on social media, and what and how I can keep that attachment component of parenting alive within my life and with my family. The concept of attachment seems so easy when they are babies. You just keep them close to you physically. Wear them, breastfeed them, sleep with them - Easy peasy, lemon squeazy as my kids like to say!
The real challenge of parenting comes as they get older, as they start to learn that they are not the same as us and as they start to emerge as their own separate beings, with their own ideas and thoughts and intentions. This emergence does not signify a release from us and from attachment. It means that we need to work harder to keep those attachments viable, even when we are apart. BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT ATTACHMENT MEANS! It is EXACTLY about how to stay close, especially when we are apart.
We wonder all the time "what is wrong with kids these days?" Where is the empathy? Where are their manners? Where or when or how did things get so messed up?
You don't have to look far to figure some of this out. Dr. Neufeld points out that we are routinely use a child's need for proximity against them. We use time-outs for discipline, we do "123 Magic", we shun them when they misbehave and do the one thing that is the polar opposite of attachment and we send them away from our presence. We also use the things that children are attached to against them - do this or that/don't do this or that or I will take away your lovey, your soother, your leap-pad, your phone, MYSELF. This is a dangerous game we are playing, parents, and we are the ones courting a lack of attachment and empathy because of it.
But fear not! All is not lost and we CAN still make a difference for our little digital natives!
Dr. Neufeld finished his lecture with some key tools and behaviours for moving forward and parenting in this digital world of ours.
He says that we need to:
- Believe that we are what our children need (and not just as babies and toddlers, but well into the teenage years).
- Invite dependence in other ways. No one can compete with Google, so share something that only you can teach them, be it cooking, wood-working, drawing... Whatever it is, invite your kids into your world and give them a legacy that is from you and only you.
- Create rituals and rules that safeguard healthy attachment. Make family meals a priority, have a game night with no electronics, have weekly or monthly family date night, vacations together, etc...
- "immunize" our children by fulfilling their attachment hunger. Don't let them out into the world hungry and looking to fill up on cookies, because they will find them, they always do!
- Be the example for our children and take the lead with our own use of digital technology.
We all know that being a parent is a tough job. Throw the digital revolution into the mix and things just get that much more complicated. We can't stop our kids from being a part of the revolution, but we can equip them for it. And I don't mean by getting everyone their very own laptop, iPad, iPod, smart phone and Facebook account.
We must equip them with the knowledge of our love, our trust, and our respect, and by fulfilling their need for attachment TO US! So that when they are out there navigating their way through the digital world and they get lost, they always know where and who to come back to to reset the compass.
And you know what, we should probably put that jar of cookies away from us for a time too...
Natasha~
Photo credit: Henriksnet's Photo from Flickr, used under Creative Commons licence.
430,000.00 Silver Linings
I am exhausted. A really good exhausted.
Today I spent the whole day moving my butt, shaking my groove thang and busting some moves with over 400 other people at the 2nd annual Bust a Move for Breast Health.
I was part of the BamBassadors Social Media team with the lovely @JenBanksYeg, the superb @realturkeylady, our at-home-with-a-concussion tweeter, @AprilWiens and the ever a good sport, wearing his pink tutu with pride, @ChrisTse_ . We are Team Hello Titties and we all had a blast today tweeting, Vine-ing, Instagram-ing, and Facebook-ing all about this amazing event (and we managed to get the #bamyeg hashtag into the top trending topics for Edmonton too)!
Bust a Move for Breast Health is a six hour fitness extravaganza that will have you move more than your feet to raise valuable funds for the Cross Cancer Institute. One small step for events, on large step for all breastkind!
And raise funds everyone sure did this year! Over $430,000.00 to be exact! THAT IS A LOT OF RESEARCH DOLLARS FOLKS! It really hit me today during the yoga session, just what we were all doing there. We unwrapped our yoga mats and while most of us had purple ones, the pink ones stood out. These were the cancer survivors, the ones who beat the odds. What really made me pause and appreciate all that was going on around me was the fact that every survivor that I could see around me was younger than me. Breast cancer does not discriminate based on age, race, religion or otherwise. It affects us all, either directly or indirectly and we can and need to make a difference and do what we can for all the pink mats out there.
I am grateful to have been a participant and volunteer at the event today and I can't wait for next years BAMtastic day of fun and fitness! And you know what, YOU too can join our team! We are going to be bigger, better and have even more fun (if that is at all possible, because my abs hurt just as much from the Bootcamp session as they do from laughing today)! Or make your own team! Do it for all the women battling breast cancer, do it for someone close to you, do it FOR YOURSELF!
Most of all do it because, I may be exhausted and sore and in need of a good gluteal massage, but I'll take this kind of pain ANY DAY over the pain and suffering that breast cancer causes to 1 in 9 women's bodies. And I will do whatever I can to help lower that number until it is ZERO!
Oh yeah, and we met Richard Simmons too! He REALLY liked Chris! A LOT!
This was one day so full of silver linings, that I lost count! Let's call this one #30.
I am so tired....
natasha~
Mirror, mirror on the wall...
OK. I have had enough.
No, not of parenting or motherhood or the never ending to-do lists that exist in my head and on my fancy new iPhone 5. Although that is a lot and it has been a full moon week.
I have kind of had it with women.
Not all women, mind you, just the ones who say they are all about empowering women and then go and do the exact opposite of that. It hurts my feminist heart to no end when it looks like the thing that undermine's the status of women and our ability to actually ever be equals, is not men, it is other WOMEN!
Feminism.
At least that is how a lot of the world sees it.
If you call yourself a feminist, there is an automatic assumption that you are an opinionated, man-hating, bitch with an agenda. And you like to wear flannel...
Let me clarify a few things for you then.
I am VERY OPINIONATED.
I LOVE men, one in particular quite a bit actually.
On more than one occasion, I have indeed been called a BITCH. I am OK with that.
I HAVE an agenda. A BIG ONE!
And I live in Alberta, flannel is just not an option some days!
This week in my own fair {OK, fine, completely snow-covered!} city, feminists young and old (I am one of the old ones, in case you were wondering) are up in arms over being silenced by OTHER WOMEN. And by silenced, I mean deleted. The complete and utter removal of a whole Facebook conversation that happened in response to the marketing of an event that in an of itself was so incredibly patriarchal that at first most of us thought it was a joke.
I really want you to understand the context here and so I would like you to head over to Brittany's blog and read about this particular public relations fiasco (click the links within her post for the transcript of the erased Facebook posts). And I would like to say that it was Brittany who alerted me to this event in the first place and put the bug in a lot of ears about it's validity and intentions.
At first, I thought this might be a prank. What I understood the event to be was an all-male panel, moderated by a male host, discussing gender politics in the workplace (“the old boys network”) and providing career advice (“nuances of climbing the corporate ladder”) to a audience of women. Oh, and with an opportunity to donate to a men’s cancer charity.
Again, please CLICK HERE and take a moment to go and read her post, she makes some very excellent points about what the "default perspective" is in most anything in this world, which I thought was most insightful.
Here is the thing.
Gender issues are hot button issues. If you don't believe that, than you have not been paying attention to the US Presidential race lately and/or you many be living under a rock. Whenever there is a blatant line in the sand drawn regarding gender, things get heated. The conversation that happened the other night on this particular Facebook event page was no exception. I was kind of riveted to the page because I was amazed by the quality of the arguments and discussion points being made both about the event itself and about feminism in general. I am happy to also say that I made a few new friends that night!
I went to bed that night with lots of thoughts in my head. What I came to realize was that I was not completely opposed to the event. Quite a few of the men on the panel are ones that I have a lot of respect for and I think having a conversation with them about gender issues would make for an interesting lunch hour. I was sorely disappointed by the marketing of the event, as were many others and while I appreciate that words where changed, I did not believe for one minute that intent was. As one of the organizers so eloquently pointed out, she "hopes that anyone with gender issues can see past the penises on the panel and take away some valuable information..."
Hmmm....
Fast forward to the next morning and I awoke to another Facebook message informing me that all of that awesome conversation was completely deleted and that no one was able to post anything to the event wall anymore.
Say what?
The irony of this action was not lost on anyone, of this I can assure you.
The marketing company in charge of an event, being put on by the Edmonton chapter of Canadian Women in Communications, targeted to women, with the intent of talking about the glass ceiling and succeeding in the corporate world, DELETED all comments from women communicating their opinions about said event.
It was too much for my feminist brain to handle!
Silenced.
Being told, explicitly or implicitly, that what we had to say had NO VALUE.
Two steps back people. Two VERY BIG steps back!
And then today, this happened.
A blog post. Written by Tamara Plant of YouAreFierce.com (she is also on the Board of Directors for CWC in Edmonton and part of the committee behind the aforementioned event).
A post in which she is concerned with the toxic energy on the Internet this week and goes on to quote Jenny McCarthy on her rather simplistic view of "projected identification". Coles notes version, everyone is a mirror of you, if you hate yourself, you are going to hate others and vice versa, love yourself and then you will love others. The problem is that not 10 lines later, Tamara says that "All of this catty malicious bullshit needs to stop now. It is a reflection on you..."
But you just said that negative feelings are a mirror of myself? You calling people catty and malicious and full of BS is kind of toxic and negative. I am confused.
Maybe I just don't get how this mirror stuff works...? And while I realize that the Internet is a big place, in Edmonton this week, it really is not.
And then THIS happened.
Another blog post. Written by Zita Dube-Lockhart, one of the silenced.
Zita is probably one of the smartest women I know. Like UBER-smart people and she writes with all her bad-ass smartness backing her up. Seriously, go read her blog!
You SILENCED us. You CENSORED us. You TOLD US that our voices are irrelevant and that WE ARE MEAN PEOPLE for thinking differently from you.So yeah...we're pretty freaking pissed. And understandably so.There’s no “projection” here. There are only facts. You are accountable to your own damn actions- stop trying to blame us for your mistakes.I’ve said it before, in this discussion and in others, and I will say it again:The greatest trick patriarchy ever pulled was convincing women that we are each other’s enemies.And now I’ll add to that by saying, the greatest lie we’ve ever told ourselves is that we are not accountable for our own decisions and our own actions.
I get very confused and tongue-bite-y every time someone has a differing opinion than another person, or dares to call someone out for making a mistake (be it on social media or in real life) and then in the next breath is called a bully (or cyber-bully) for doing so. It has happened before on this very blog, simple because I said that NO, I do not actually have to BE NICE to or like everyone around me. I got called a lot of names and was maligned on social media as a bully. And I did not DELETE a single one of those comments! (See how that works around here, everyone gets an opinion, a voice.)
And then THIS happened.
A note was published on Facebook by one of the few men who waded into the original discussion. I don't know this man personally, but he just explained to me why I am so upset about this. Thank you Reece.
In my view, what Zita is speaking to is, to put it bluntly, antifeminism in action. As Andrea Dworkin put it so eloquently: “The breaking down of women into the insults used to describe women, the use of these insults to describe or intimidate or discredit, granting validity to these critiques of a female’s posture, pose, stance, attitude, or act, are all expressions of both antifeminism and woman hating.” We need look no further than the description of a woman as being “catty” to see an implicit act of dehumanization, suggesting that their activities are somehow animal-like and uncivilized, versus well-reasoned and intelligently argued.
Anti-feminism. The other A-word.
By women towards women.
Wow!
To anyone who has witnessed these exchanges over the last few days on Facebook and on Twitter, and who thinks that this is just a bunch of chicks getting our panties in a knot over nothing...
TAKE A LOOK IN YOUR MAGIC MIRROR!
Look at your daughter, your sister, your best friend, your co-worker, your mother. What would you do if someone silenced them for having an opinion? For speaking their mind? For not being afraid to stand up and say to someone, "HEY, what you are doing is wrong?"
What would you tell them if they had made a mistake? Don't worry honey, we'll just erase that or shove it under the rug, no one is going to look under there anyway? 'Cause, I hate to break it to you, but that is not how the internet works people!
And it is not how REAL LIFE works either.
I said in my previous post that I wanted to be an example to the younger generation. That I wanted to be a voice for women in my community and yes, on the interwebs too!
Tonight I am being that voice. I am speaking up and adding my thoughts and my words to the many who are stepping up to say that we won't stand for this kind of behaviour from anyone and that NO, you can not simply delete us with the press of a button.
My name is Natasha Chiam and I will not be SILENCED!
Will you?
**I will not erase any comments posted here, but I do reserve the right to edit any profanity or straight up hateful ones. Peace out y'all!**
The #good100 experiment
About a month ago I had a very long and interesting conversation on Twitter with a few people whom I respect and admire. At the end of this convo (which, in case you are wondering, was about gender equality and relationships), my Twitter pal @DebMerriam invited me to a fabulous local event. The Good Hundred Experiment.
In the words of the day's organizers, it was "An unsectored gathering of Edmonton’s savviest do-gooders, with the objective of connecting with future partners & collaborators, getting meaningful & actionable feedback on your project (from people who know what they're talking about) and being inspired by some of YEG's most bad ass do-gooders."
I was honoured to be invited and also wondered if in fact, I was sufficiently qualified as a do-gooder to attend this event. I mean, one look at the list of attendees and I was inspired (and somewhat intimidated) just reading their bios, what on earth would it be like actually being in a room with all these folks!
Well, I can tell you.
IT WAS AMAZING!!
Do you have any idea how many awesome people are doing good things in our city?
Let me give you a couple of examples.
There is Catherine from iHuman, a fabulous non-profit organization helping at risk youth through the arts. And if you head on over to THIS LINK, they have partnered with Telus Empower You and every Facebook Like and Share and every Tweet is a further $2 that Telus gives to the iHuman program. Get clicking people!
Then there is Joey from Knottycase.com. Joey and his brother are the amazing and HIGHLY energetic team behind this fantastic company and they make beautiful, unique and environmentally sustainable iPhone cases from salvaged and reclaimed woods. And the best part--all the manufacturing is done right here in Edmonton! The energy that flows off of this man is infectious and his intensity makes you believe wholeheartedly in what he is doing and then some. Not only is he an environmental do-gooder, he is a true DO-ER!
For me, though, the person who made the biggest impact on me (and what I see my role is as a do-gooder) was the one and only Brittney Leblanc. If you don't already know or follow Brittney on the tweeter, then get on that. This 26-year-old woman is smart, funny, civic-minded and so, so darn cute. And she is on a mission. Well, actually, she is on a couple of missions, but of everyone there I think I learned the most from her. Not necessarily about Brit (cause I kind of have the great privilege of knowing her already), but about what it means to be a woman who wants to make a difference in this city, and by extension, in this world.
Throughout the day's workshop we were discussing some of the BIG PICTURE themes that kept coming up within our smaller groups and not surprisingly, women's issues and women's engagement were biggies. The last round table discussion at the end of the day was to find your theme and discuss what is being done, what needs to be done and how to collaborate together to get things done around those themes. Seven women and two men sat at the Women's Issues table and what happened next was... well... to be perfectly honest, less than stellar. The conversation quickly moved to women's rights in regards to reproduction and birthing and all things mother-focused. And across the table from me, I could see Brittney bristling. And I knew why.
Brittney is not a mother. And neither were a couple of other folks at the table. And all we were talking about at the table were issues that may or may not affect mainly mothers. All day long, my 30-second pitch to people was about how I want to help women to embrace all sides of themselves and break out of the "I am just a mom" talk that we do oh, so, well, and here we were at this table, discussing birthing options, infant feeding options, and the usual rhetoric that ensues whenever someone brings up women's, or as it turns out, MOTHER issues! And for all the talking that we did, we did not even get close to answering any of the what needs to be done or how to collaborate questions and this was frustrating for a lot of us.
Later that night at the #good100party at the very cool Kazbar, Brittney, the incomparable Jennifer Banks and I sat down, had some super yummy hummus and had a chance to discuss this topic some more. And what Brittney said to me was this. "As a young woman, I want to have women in my city who are visible, who are making a difference and who I can look up to as role models."
And that is when it hit me. HARD.
I talk about being an advocate for women, but in reality I have been primarily using my voice as one for mothers. I seem to have forgotten the main tenet of my do-goodery, that before we are all mothers, we are women first! And Ladies, we are SO MUCH MORE than the sum of what we can do with our uteruses and our breasts!
Motherhood may be one of the most rewarding and at the same time difficult roles of all time, but to think that all that we are, all that we have learned in this life as a girl and then a woman, serves only to prepare us for that role is completely narrow-sighted (and somewhat patriarchal too). If we forget what we have accomplished or can accomplish and reduce ourselves to being "JUST a mom", not only does this do a disservice to us, but it also does a disservice to the generations of girls following us who need role models and strong women to look up to and see that being a voice for ALL of our community is possible, that being a woman means more than just getting paid the same wage as a man and that our opinions in all things, be it work or home or politics, MATTER.
Later that night, Jen sent me the link to this TED talk by Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Facebook. Now while this talk is primarily about women in the workforce and why we don't see more of them in C-level jobs (CEO, COO, CFO, etc..) I believe the themes are kind of universal. Women need to step up more and sit at the damn table!
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18uDutylDa4[/youtube]
What became very evident for me this past weekend is that I myself have been limiting myself and my voice. Lately, I have said (more often than I would like to admit) to people who ask me what I do, that I am a 'Mommy Blogger'. Now, you all know how I feel about these kinds of terms, but with the name Natural Urban Mama, it is kind of hard to escape this kind of labeling.
In my opinion, the #good100 experiment was a successful day on many levels. So many connections were made in that room and I foresee a lot more do-goodery forthcoming in our beautiful city. I know that another workshop is being planned for the spring, and I hope that I get the privilege of being invited once again.
Personally, my take-aways from the day were three-fold.
1 - I really need to open my eyes to all of the good things that are happening here and be an advocate for the city that I have called home for every one of my almost 41 years on this Earth! Like Brittney very eloquently said in her recent Pecha Kutcha presentation, I need to bragg more about where I am from! It's EDMONTON y'all and it is AWESOME!!
2 - I need to broaden my definitions of what being an advocate for women and children means to me and to those around me. I need to use my voice and my passion to inspire and empower more women to get involved and to be heard and to break out of their own self-imposed insular lives of 'just' this or 'just' that. My hope is that one day, maybe I will be one of the role models that the female generations to come are looking for and looking up to.
3 - I may need to rethink my personal brand. Is Natural Urban Mama all that she can be? Is this name, this site, still a true reflection of me and what I need to be to do #2. This is something that I am seriously pondering people and I may need to get your input about this in a future post.
So, that was my weekend. My brain is still spinning from all of it and I can't wait to follow up on the connections I made and the ones I want to make for some of the people who were at this great do-gooder event. I highly encourage everyone to look for the good things being done in your own communities and find a way, however big or small, to contribute.
"Do your little bit of good where you are;
it's those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world"
~Desmond Tutu
Natasha~
I have hair growing in weird places
I feel like I need to explain some things. As I look back at the last few weeks of posts, I realize that all of them are rather self-centred. I have not written a babywearing post since the one I wrote about why I don't do 'forward facing out' went semi-viral (in my world that is) or a breastfeeding post since my journey, (Oh hell, let's call a spade a spade. At this point, 5 years, 9 months and 12 days, I think it is more of a breastfeeding odyssey), is finally coming to an end.
This past week I attended a wonderful Modern Mama event in our city called Mama Blogs. The expert panel consisted of Tanis Miller from Attack of the Redneck Mommy, Jennifer Banks from Techmommy and Make Jen's Day, Felicia Dewar from Single Mom of Two and Jenifer Shaefer of City and Baby fame. These fabulous bloggers talked to a room full of women about the why, what and how-tos of blogging in today's hyper-connected world. Through it all the one key message that kept coming up (for me) was about "knowing your voice" and "finding your voice" through your blog.
All of it got me thinking about my blog even more than I usually do.
So let me lay this out for you...
In the beginning, I did not want to blog.
True story.
If you know my old business partner, you can ask her. It was like pulling teeth to get me to write at least once or twice a month on our little business blog. I mostly wrote about our new products, why I loved them and why you should too and all other kinds of things hoping to drive more business to our little online natural parenting store.
And then, in the summer of 2010, something I like to call "The Twitter Effect" happened. Although I had opened my Twitter acount in December 2009, I really did not start using it much until the Spring of 2010. At that time I started to interact and connect with like-minded people and became a regular at the #BFcafe chats on Thursday nights.
One day I got an Direct Message that changed my {online} life. Claire, aka @lactating girl sent me a tweet asking me if I would like to participate in the Breastfeeding Cafe Carnival of blog posts for that year. I was flabbergasted! Really, I was. And I was not sure that I could do it! 14 days of blogging about breastfeeding. I mean, really, how much can one person say about it!
As it turns out, quite a bit actually. I blogged about breastfeeding at work, I blogged about breastfeeding under special circumstances, I blogged about nighttime breastfeeding and I blogged about what breastfeeding meant to me and for my children. For 14 days I wrote all about breastfeeding and in the end those two weeks taught me more about myself and the Internet and the power of words than anything else in my life so far.
Those 14 days turned me into a BLOGGER.
Perhaps it was the community I was becoming part of on Twitter and through the Carnival and on my blog. Maybe it was the comments that I was getting and the emails thanking me for my posts and asking me for advice. Maybe it was the thrill of capturing and remembering moments with my children that were long past. Whatever the reason, something awakened in me that summer and it felt amazing!
And the more I read of others blogs, the more I wrote. I discovered amazing blogs like Enjoying the Small Things and Phd in Parenting and Adventures in Babywearing and Mom 101 and I started to see the potential and the kind of blogger that I wanted to be when I grew up.
Keep in mind that at this point my blog was still a part of my online retail business and while my focus was mainly on the store, the seed of writing had been planted and was starting to take root. And while I still wrote posts meant to drive traffic and business to the store, more and more the posts that meant the most to me and as it turns out, resonated the most with YOU, where the ones that were more personal and the ones that delved deeper into the parenting and world issues that concerned me.
Some of them were funny (in retrospect) and some very raw and soul baring. I started paying closer attention to the world around me and realizing that my voice just might have some itty little bit of power and that I could use it to advocate for change and awareness or even to just rant a bit! I used my blogging voice to chronicle the building of our dream home and to capture moments with my children.
In 2011, I decided it was time to attend my first blogging conference. And then I went to two of them in a span of two weeks. And boy oh boy, did I ever get an education about blogging! I learned so much from so many great people at these conferences. I met the wonderful and insightful Alex from @clippo (who was a business and personal blogger at that point as well) and spent some quality time with some of my blogging heros like Tanis the Redneck Mommy and Elan "Schmutzie" Morgan. To say that these conferences where eye-opening would be the understatement of the decade for me and I blogged about that whole experience here!
I continued to hone my blogging voice and took on a few 30 day blogging challenges to really get the creative juices flowing. In the winter of 2011, after MUCH deliberation and discussion with Natural Urban Dad, I decided it was time to close my store. And yes, I blogged about that too.
After the store closed, my blog suddenly became less a place for me to talk shop and more a place for me to talk straight. To get all the rambling thoughts that were in my head out and onto the screen. It became a place for me to share more personal posts, to fully explore this creative and expressive part of me that was starting to take over and it became a place for me to let this process take it's natural course.
I was growing as a blogger and {dare I say it?} as a writer too.
As in all things in life, this is an ever evolving process. My blogging goals from three years ago are VASTLY different than the ones I have now. My writing style has improved tremendously (in my opinion at least) and I want to continue to work even harder and make it even better.
At the Mama Blogs event the other night, I mentioned to my new friend Sarah that I felt like my blogging voice was changing yet again and she said to me,
"That's OK, you are just going through blogger puberty."
And I couldn't have said it better myself!
So yes, in case you may have noticed, my voice IS changing. It may be a bit pitchy for the next little while, as I am sure I will hit some high notes and some low ones too. It is time to start using the grown up deodorant and deal with all the changes that this "coming of age" stage of my blogging career entails.
Trust me, it can {and will} only get better!
Bloggingly yours,
Natasha~
P.S. I started this post last night. I woke up today and read THIS wonderful post from Liz at Mom 101 and am even more resigned now to truly understand that if I LOVE what I am doing, my purpose will reveal itself. It's all very, "If you build it, they will come!" up in my head today!
P.P.S Here is an actual picture of me in the throes of puberty! It's not pretty and by the looks of it, I was maturing into some kind of feathered being!! {It was the eighties, what can I say.}
