Am I pretty? And other ways we use the internet...
A couple of weeks ago I came across something on the internet that made my heart and my head hurt. It made me hurt for the awkward, unpopular, misunderstood, lost teenage girl that I was oh so many years ago, and it made me hurt for all the awkward, unpopular, misunderstood, and lost teenage girls that are doing this THING today.. The thing I am talking about is a YouTube phenomenon called, " Am I Pretty or Ugly?". Girls, many of them young teenagers, upload a video of themselves and ask the collective opinion of the brutally honest (read: cruel) YouTube commenters to tell them if they are, you guessed it, pretty or ugly.
I am simultaneously saddened that hundreds of girls are doing this (There are almost 600,000 results when you search for "am I pretty or ugly" on Youtube) and I am curious as to how this phenomenon differs from our culture of sharing/oversharing/liking/+1'ing/RTing and so on that we do everyday on all our various social media sites. If you really think about this, have we actually progressed that far from that insecure teenager looking for some kind of validation?
And if we are also being brutally honest here and the answer is not really, then why is that?
We post multiple different kinds of selfies all over the internet. We post pictures of cakes we have baked and delicious meals we have prepared. We post before and after pictures of our house cleaning. We post pictures of our fancy new nail polish application. We post our #NewDo pics. We post our sweaty faces after a good workout. And then we wait. We wait for the validation of our efforts. We wait for the likes, the <3, the fancy emoticon hearts. We wait for the comments. We wait to be told from friends and strangers alike that, "Yes, yes indeed, you are pretty, talented, organized, creative, sparkly, strong, brilliant, hilarious!" We would all be lying through our teeth if we didn't admit to feeling that validation, that sense of "they like me, they really, really LIKE me" every time there is a new like or comment or favourite or RT on any of the different ways we broadcast ourselves each and every day.
I think we are all guilty of doing a bit of the "am I pretty or ugly" game. We just frame it differently now that we are grown-ups and are, of course, fully confident in ourselves and our lives (ha!). For the most part, we also choose our audience better too (although I suppose this is debatable depending on your followers or friends lists).
Is it any wonder that our children are now using these tools and these sites to seek validation about themselves? Think of the examples we are setting for them all the time. We record all of their special moments and tell ourselves that we are going to go home and make a wonderful video montage of their lives for posterity and what do we do instead? We upload it to Vine or Instagram or Facebook and wait for the "OMG!! So much CUTENESS!!!" comments. We lose the pure thrill of the moment and wait for the thrill of "sharing" that moment with everyone else. We are essentially showing our children that they exist for others entertainment, for mommy and daddy to broadcast to the world and we are telling them that the internet gets a say in their lives. So, it begs the question then, why wouldn't they then take control of this into their own hands once they are able to and seek that validation on their own?
Look, I am not trying to be a hypocrite. I post A LOT of pictures and videos of my kids online. As they get older though, I am becoming more and more aware of how this can and WILL affect them in the future. They will see their photos on the internet and they will see the comments. They will see MY comments and they will read what others have said about them too, the good and the bad.
Something in all of this brings me back to what I learned from Gordon Neufeld last year at his "Raising Kids in a Digital Age" lecture. I went back and had a look at my notes and his slides and found the one I was thinking about.
Dr. Neufeld calls this diagram the "roots of attachment". These roots are the things that all children, all human beings, need to feel like they belong, that they are loved, that they have a strong home base that they are attached to. It's our job as parents to provide all of these things, to ensure that these "roots" have a good strong hold in the ground before the "plant" can grow to its full potential. Yet if you take a closer look at all of these things, most of them can be associated with or superficially fulfilled by one form of Social Media or another. Contact and connection - Friend Request and Follow. Approval and significance - LIKE and RT. Belonging and loyalty - Groups and Lists and Circles. Warmth and Love - comments and <3 and :-) faces!
Listen, you don't have to be a renowned child psychologist to figure out that the internet in all its glorious connectivity, is actually removing us from true human connection and attachment. That in our attempts to give our children all they need to be independent and "successful" in this world, we are actually letting them loose into a world that, for the most part, does not CARE about their best interests, that can and will judge them anonymously for every flaw and every wrinkle in the pattern of their being. Unless we really start to think about how we are raising our children (and how we ourselves are behaving and using Social Media) in this digital age, we are running the risk that our children will see themselves through the distorted and superficial lens of something that, try as they might (through asking questions like "Am I pretty or ugly?) will never fill up their basic human need for connection and attachment and a true sense of self-worth.
I realize that Youtube and social media and the internet are not going anywhere. I just hope that I am setting a good example for my children about how to use it responsibly and also making sure that overall, the roots of their budding trees are getting all the watering and nutrients that they need to thrive in this world, both online and off.
natasha~
*For more information about the 'Am I pretty or ugly?' phenomenon, check out the website and project that performance artist Louise Orwin has started about it.
Somewhere in the world it is "Wine O'clock".
I like wine. Have for a very long time actually. And before I liked wine, I liked Strongbow and before that Traditional Ale and before that (well, to this day, to be perfectly honest) gin and tonic. I even like a few shots of tequila now and then.
Just no sambuca! NEVER, ever, any more sambuca! Or GoldSchlager. That stuff is just wrong.
I've liked booze for a long time. I REALLY liked it one particular year in university that is very much a blur to me and could explain why I just barely passed English Lit. that year (it was an 8 AM class people!).
There was always some kind of alcohol in our house growing up. It was my grandmother's drink. She liked gin. And whisky. And vodka. And beer. And I may have inadvertently sipped a few of her tumblers in my young life having mistaken them for glasses of orange or apple juice.
We also grew up with my very French Godparents who would offer everyone, kids included, an aperitif -a tiny glass of Dubonnet- before dinners at their place. I can remember feeling so grown up sipping that sweet red liquid out of my tiny little glass at these special celebrations.
So, just so we are clear, I like a good drink and have been a social drinker for most of my life.
Why all this booze talk you ask?
Because I have a bit of a rant in me that I must get out.
THIS IS DRIVING ME BATTY!
I can not stand all of the websites, twitter hashtags and chats, Facebook pages, memes, and yes, even books about mothers and their NEED to drink, their REASONS to drink, and all the ways that motherhood seemingly makes women RUSH for a bottle of booze to cope with all of it!
Maybe I am being too sensitive. Or maybe this is just another form of brilliant marketing on the part of the wine makers and sellers of the world. I mean seriously people, there are wines called "Layered Cake" and yes, even one that is actually called "MommyJuice". And let's not forget the "you can drink as much of this as you want because it's called Skinny Girl" creation (which I do also enjoy every now and then).
And these so-called reasons that moms need to drink? The implication is that it is our kids and the daily drudgery of caring for our babies. Of doing laundry and chauffeuring and making lunches and wiping snotty noses and breaking up fights and picking up toys and stepping on teeny tiny Lego pieces and finding glitter glue in our favourite pair of shoes and reading Good Night Moon ONE MORE FREAKING TIME. It is hard some days, that is for sure.
But...
I find the whole idea of marketing booze specifically to the "mommy" crowd condescending and belittling. And yes, I am throwing this beef of mine in there with all the other mommy-fying of words and concepts that the world continues to come up with simply because some women also happen to be mothers (you know my all-time faves - mompreneur and mommy blogger).
I also think this epidemic of memes and the cultural trope that is the frazzled mom and her glass of wine that we see all over the internet sometimes hides a darker underside of self-medication, alcohol dependence and addiction. I also worry about what kind of message this sends to our kids about responsible drinking. Mommy needs her 'special juice' to relax, to get through the day, to DEAL with all of it! What kind of example are we setting when what they see is Mama seemingly using alcohol to blur the lines of reality a bit so that all will be good in the world again.
Hmmm....
I repeat. I LIKE WINE.
I like it with a nice meal. I like it after a long day. I like it while I am sitting in a bubble bath with my special candle burning and some soft music playing. I like it at book club with my ladies while we spend about 15 minutes talking about the book and the other hour and 45 on just about everything else in our lives. I like it while I am sitting at my laptop writing and I like it on beautiful days enjoying my backyard and the view from the comfort of my deck chair.
What I don't like it this feeling that somehow mothers need a reason to have a drink, that we are only drinking our "mommy juice" as a form of coping with the stress of everyday life and not a way of celebrating or even just enjoying our lives. And I especially don't like that for some women who may be excessively drinking and putting their health or the safety of others in danger, all of these memes and Facebook pages and books serve as a way to sanction what could potentially be harmful behaviour.
What it all boils down to is this. The message that I hear in all of these memes and themes of mommy needing booze is that a woman can't just enjoy a nice glass of wine BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT SHE WANTS TO DO. Nope, she has to have a good reason to drink. And it's her children, those evil little beasts of burden, that are just that reason!
And for me, that is just wrong.
Please tell me that I am not the only one who feels this way?
Now....
Where did I put my coffee.....?
Natasha~
Feminist Fare Fridays: Edition #4
Phew! Is anyone else exhausted after the first week of school? And I don't mean the kids! This was my first week of making lunches everyday, of walking to school and starting to figure out our new one in full-day and one in half-day routines. And so, with school in mind, I give you somewhat of an education-based round up of feminist fare this week!
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1. I have a couple of blogging heroes and one of them is the wonderful Annie Urban at Phd in Parenting. (She is one hell of a dance partner too!) And just in case you need to know why, just check out her post on all the back to school and back to gender-role stereotyping that we are inundated with at this time of year. I personally have made a strong effort to stay away from and not buy clothing that turns my kids into walking brand advertisements and reinforces the pink/blue world that we live in! And while I may have favourited a bunch of those "what to make for my kid's lunch" posts" for future reference, the assumption and reinforcement of parental gender roles by mass media is maddening! And PLEASE, make sure you also click on that last link in her post and read up on why mothers shouldn't have opinions.
2. And speaking of mothers and their opinions. There were PLENTY this week in the world of the "mommy bloggers". One particular blogger, we'll call her Mrs. Hall, had a lot to say to all the girls tempting her teenage sons with their racy pyjama'd and {ahem} bra-less Instagram pictures. And then the internet quite literally exploded with various other "open letters" to Mrs. Hall, to the teenage girls she is supposedly addressing and to anyone and everyone who read her post and had an "Uhh, what the...?" kind of reaction to it. I don't have much to add to the conversation that has not been said in the above posts, but suffice it to say I believe that it is this kind of perpetuating of our sexual stereotypes that leads to....
3. THIS! A university's frosh week with 80 student leaders, "leading" 300-400 students into their new lives on campus with a chant about rape. Seriously people, I wish I was kidding. I wish the St. Mary's student union president had not called this chant an "oversight". I wish that just because something has been done "for years" doesn't mean that is is OK and should be continued. I wish that sending a daughter to university didn't mean having to send her with a rape-whistle and a talk about NEVER walking back to her room at residence alone at night. And I hope that this is indeed a teachable moment for these students and for all of us about the pervasiveness of sexism and rape-culture in our {children's} worlds!
4. And then I read something like this and my faith is somewhat restored and I know that the daughters we are all raising will be stronger. That one day very soon, they will be the confident, wonderful, intelligent and fierce women that this world needs!
5. This one has nothing to do with feminism. I just think that this might be the most ridiculously awesome thing I have seen on the internet in ages. And I like foxes!
[youtube]http://youtu.be/jofNR_WkoCE[/youtube]
Happy Friday everyone!
natasha~
(Update: If you have a few hours, Jenna Hatfield at Blogher did a nice round-up of most of the responses to the original post in #2.)
What I REALLY did on my summer holidays...
So... remember back in June when I was all, "I am making a Summer Bucket list and we are going to do ALL THE THINGS??" Yeah, well...
One week into summer holidays and I may have felt like this.
Ok, maybe not a huge mistake, but one that I needed to correct to ensure we all survived the summer (and each other!). Yes, that's right. We NEEDED a summer camp or two in between all our bucket listing to keep us from imploding and to give us all a slight break from each other.
I found two great programs that miraculously still had spots open and booked my kids in them as fast as I could type my credit card info onto the online registration page! Both programs were wonderful, the kids had a blast, they met new friends and learned a couple of new skills too. It was a win for us all.
Ah, but did we get to do all the things on our bucket list? That's the big question right? I am happy to say that for the most part, yes we did. Also, my kids like the simple things in life, so 'go to a movie' (Despicable Me 2), do a craft (lots of drawing happened this summer) and 'make friendship bracelets' (with their awesome babysitter) were easy ones to tick off the list.
C had a few on his list that we just didn't have the time or resources or know how to do, like learn to longboard, go fishing, and learn to play the ukelele, but we will definitely keep them on the list for the coming year. And L was all about spending time at our local spray park/playground, being a 'beach girl' on holidays and finally mastering the fine art of bike riding!
So, I don't know if I caved to the power and lure of the Summer Camp gods or what, but it's all kind of a moot point now. Summer is over, we all had fun, we made some great memories, I did not take enough pictures and school is back in session.
Now get to bed people!
Tomorrow is a big day.
natasha~
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I kind of wanted to take a break from my computer and social media for the weekend, but that is hard to do when one is supposed to be in a 30 day #SummerBlogChallenge.
So here is post one for tonight... there may be another...
In the meantime, please visit the other bloggers who are being much more vigilant than I with their daily posts.
Liam ~ Natasha ~ Zita ~ Peter ~ Christine ~ Cliff ~ Hethr ~ Tracy ~ Kim
How to relieve tension: A list.
I feel like today is a list day. The past few days (weeks?) have been trying ones around here. I have an almost 7 year old son who wishes he was a grown up so he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants, who thinks he KNOWS everything and who likes to speak at a volume that most people reserve for the front row of an ACDC concert.
So because of all the yelling that I have been doing, all the frustrations I am feeling, all the tension in my upper back, I give you the following:
The top 15 reasons my kid is the BEST EVER!
1. He gives full body hugs. Arms, legs, all of him is in it.
2. Regardless of how crappy our day is, he tells me how much he loves me before he goes to sleep at night. Most of the time it is "more than all the grains of sand on all the beaches in all the world".
3. He knows more about dinosaurs than any other person I know, big or little!
4. He still crawls into bed with me every morning for a snuggle and sleeps in my arms exactly like he did when he was an infant.
5. He has the core strength of an Olympic gymnast and could likely shame a grown man with his plank and one handed push ups!
6. He has some MAD illustrating skills and can draw a wicked Godzilla (circa 1998).
7. When he laughs, he does so with his whole body and soul!
8. He bugs her mercilessly every day, but on the playground, NO ONE messes with his baby sister.
9. He can climb anything. And scares the SHIT out of me doing so!
10. He wears his heart on his sleeve and is not afraid of his emotions or of showing them. It's the part of him I know he got from me.
11. We have a secret mom and kid handshake that means "I love you".
12. He will eat almost anything at least once!
13. He calls me on my bad language or when I break any of our house rules.
14. He is not fearless, but will push himself to face his fears and overcome them.
15. He is and always will be my baby boy!
I do love this kid!
natasha~
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Summer Blog Challenge: Updated List Here!
first instincts
As you may or may not know, my first foray into motherhood was not a smooth road. It was more like the Dakar Rally to be honest. At twenty-six weeks pregnant I was diagnosed with gestational hypertension and immediately admitted to hospital. And what followed for the next nine weeks was an uphill battle to grow a healthy baby, while flat on my back. Did I mention that we were building a house at the same time too? Yeah, this time in our lives was quite the opposite of stress-free and relaxed.
At our 35 week ultrasound we heard the words we had been preparing for, "It is time." Our baby was the size of a 30-week fetus and my body just wasn't giving him enough sustenance anymore and he needed to be delivered. On the evening of December 11, 2006, after a surprisingly fast induction, our tiny, fuzzy, 3 lb, 13 oz, skinny little baby, quite literally flopped his way into the world and onto the delivery room bed. I gave him one kiss and he disappeared with his father and a brigade of nurses and residents into the bowels of the NICU.
Our days and nights blurred and became about life in the neanatal intensive care unit. Wires, tubes, beeps, blips and alarms, blue lights, an emergency transfer to another hospital to see a specialist and back again the next day. I honestly can't remember much of those first few weeks of my child's life. I spent about 18 hours a day at the hospital and Christmas 2006 didn't really happen that year. I had one focus, and one focus alone; feed my baby, help him grow and bring him home.
I was a tired, stressed, on edge, first-time mother, with a tiny baby, who needed so much of me and from me and once we got him home, this did not change. He needed to be held constantly (or I needed to hold him constantly) and fed almost every hour. I did not sleep, I am sure I forgot to eat most days and I spent countless nights with tears streaming down my face and onto my sore nipples every time I got up and moved to another room to feed him, so as not to wake my husband.
I have the pictures from this time in our lives and in most of them I am smiling, but for the life of me, right at this moment, I can't remember half of what happened in those first 4-5 months. I know that at least once a day I would be breastfeeding him in our chair and then wake up 20 to 30 minutes later, with a kink in my neck, not able to remember falling asleep or knowing how long we had been there and thankful that I hadn't dropped the baby.
I was obsessed with my little preemie's weight and became a regular weekly fixture at the public health clinic. I charted his pees and poops and I timed how long he fed on each breast and the intervals between feedings. I scheduled his naps like a drill sergeant and I had a three ring binder to house all my colour-coded charts. My poor baby was slowly becoming a set of numbers that somehow I had to make sure all added up.
And then, probably around the same time that I was about to lose my mind and a friend suggested I attend a La Leche League meeting, something clicked. I realized that I was reading too many books and blogs and forums about how to do this mothering thing. I was listening to the advice and good intentions of everyone around me and I had not even considered listening to myself or to my child.
I threw away all the charts and the ugly binder. I got rid of the timers and gadgets to remind me which breast was up next and I let go of trying to control every aspect of our new life. I came to realize that doing so just meant that I ended up frustrated and depressed that I couldn't actually control any of it.
I looked at my baby and not the charts that I had assumed he had to measure up to. I listened to him. I fed him when he wanted to be fed. More often than not, in bed, lying down with him. We slept together. Better than we both had in MONTHS. I wore him in our favourite sling and we found our comfort zone with nursing in public. We started to go out more, made new friends and I continued to let go of my need to control and schedule every moment of his life.
I started to worry less and relaxed into motherhood more and a natural rhythm to our days and nights started to emerge. I admit that sleep was still our most difficult hurdle. My husband wanted our baby to sleep in his own room and my son wanted none of that! I believe that had we not pushed back on this so much and just let him continue to sleep with us (as we ended up doing most nights anyhow), we might have avoided all the nights of trying all the different no-cry-gentle-shushing-sleeping-on-the-floor-sleep solutions and whatever other tactics suggested in the sleep-book-du-jour we happened to be reading. Yet despite this, I finally felt like I was doing motherhood the way I was meant to.
Why all this reminiscing about early motherhood you ask?
I wrote this with a friend in mind. I think she may be struggling a bit with being a new mom and trying to figure it all out and get it right. The sleep, the breastfeeding, all the other stuff that still needs doing, all of it is overwhelming. I want to remind her, and all new mamas, that motherhood is in us. It is written in our mitochondrial DNA from our grandmothers, grandmothers, grandmothers and we just need to trust in our nature, our instincts, to access it.
Think of a mama cat who has her first litter of kittens. She has never done this before, but she makes a nest, she births her babies all by herself, she licks them out of their caul, chews off the umbilical cords, starts nursing the first one even before the next one is delivered and will eventually eat the afterbirth and placenta. No one taught her to do these things and she didn't read "What to Expect when you are Expecting a Litter of Kittens." She is following her instincts and doing what in in her nature to do and what her babies need her to do.
Perhaps, for some, the charts and the books and the schedules help to make the transition to motherhood easier. It makes sense to want an Operations Manual or Policy and Procedures binder for a new job, and in this regard, there is no lack of written material out there to read and use as our manuals for motherhood.
I would like to propose that we look deeper within ourselves for our own motherhood manual. It is there, just waiting to be accessed. And what I have learned is that the best way to access it, is to throw away all the other books, focus on your baby and listen to what your heart, your body and your mind are telling you do to.
If your child is crying and "the book" says don't pick him/her up, but your gut is twisting up with anxiety and the cries are like knives in your brain... LISTEN TO YOUR GUT and hold your child!
If you know what your baby does when he/she is hungry, but "the book" says to wait 3 hours between feedings to get a good schedule going... throw away that book, watch for these hunger cues and FEED YOUR BABY!
If you know that the only way your baby is going to sleep is safe and warm in your arms and against your chest and beating heart... then establish a safe place to co-sleep and SLEEP WITH YOUR CHILD! ( I am almost certain that you will get more sleep too!)
Trust your instincts mamas. They are there for a reason. And as it was for our grandmothers, grandmothers grandmothers, it is and always will be about survival. These days it may not be a saber-toothed tiger that is the main threat, but the constant bombardment of images and information about 'how to be the good mother" can be just as devastating to us!
Take a deep breath and relax.
You got this one, Mama!
[youtube]http://youtu.be/Vw4KVoEVcr0[/youtube]
natasha~
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I took a teeny little hiatus from the Summer Blog Challenge these past few days. I am sorry, but life trumps blogging and really, if I have no life, I have nothing to write about, so it is actually a win-win for everyone!
Be sure to check out the other fine #summerblogchallenge writers who have no lives... JUST kidding! Liam, Zita, MagzD, Peter, Christine, Cliff, Hethr, April, Karen, and Kim all have wonderful lives that you can go read all about on their blogs!
Back to School Worries
School brings out the scared, picked-on, not very popular, always in hand-me down clothes, gap-toothed, insecure, child of a broken home, 12 year old in me. In my mind I time travel back almost 30 years and walk down that long lonely hallway lined with army green lockers and ridiculous construction paper themed bulletin boards feeling the eyes of the more popular kids looking at me and judging, pointing, laughing. It's never a fun trip, I assure you.
So you can imagine my apprehension as the start of a new school year approaches. My oldest is entering grade 1 and my baby is going to kindergarten and I am a bit of a basket case right now.
Now, I am not a basket case in the unprepared and procrastinating kind of way. Nope. All school supplies are purchased, backpacks procured, new outfits and indoor shoe needs are all taken care of. I am instead worried about who their teachers are, who they are going to be in their classes with, how they are going to mesh with their friends, new and old, if anyone is going to pick on them, and how they are going to navigate the big bad world of life away from me and the sometimes brutal 'Game of Thrones' that is the playground at recess.
The problem is that while I am internally freaking out about this, externally, I am exhibiting all of these issues that are completely mine as frustration and exasperation with my children. I am yelling more, I am not actually being present for them RIGHT NOW, as I am too worried about what will be happening a month from now. This in turn is making them incredibly sensitive to everything I say or do. My poor girl thinks that every time I tell her something or correct her about anything that she is in deep trouble and then there are tears, lots and lots of tears. 'Not so Little Anymore' C just goes straight to tuning out almost anything I say, in what I assume is a pre-emptive move before he hears me try to say something that he just doesn't want to hear or tell him to do something that he doesn't want to do. If I had a SASS-o-Meter for that one, it would be out the roof right now!
What I am essentially saying is that the level of communication I have with my children at the moment is seriously lacking. I don't really have an excuse for it either, aside from the incessant worrying and my own internal bullies that keep threatening to drag me back to that hallway to be slammed into a locker once again. I worried back then that I was never good enough for anything or anyone, that I was unlovable (yes, yes, I know, I have abandonment issues), and that I would never have any friends who liked me for who I really was. And now, I am afraid I am projecting these fears onto my kids.
I worry that my behaviour as of late, is making them worried that I don't love and accept them for who and what they are. C is always seeking my approval and asking me if I am proud of him, and L worries that if I say I love you to someone other than her that I don't love her anymore. Somehow I have neglected to let them know or tell them the following. I am ridiculously proud of my son. He amazes me everyday with his artwork and illustrations and his incredible grasp of numbers and the basic physics of his world. I love that he is such a sensitive kid and is not afraid to show his emotions, it's the part of him that I know he got from me. And my daughter? She is so much me that sometimes it is a bit scary. She is a goof, has her own incredible sense of style, is carefree and easy with her love and blows me away with her daily silliness and her imagination. I am not sure I could love her more if I tried.
All this worrying and the worrying about worrying going on around here over has everyone functioning at such a heightened level of tension that it really doesn't take much for any one of us to snap. And trust me, you'd think this was a house full of crocodiles with the amount of snapping going on and it is high time for it all to stop.
And I am the only one who can actually do that. (Being a grown-up sucks!)
My kids are not me. They won't have the same experiences that I did growing up and no amount of me worrying about what happened 30 years ago is going to A) make it go away and B) make my relationships with my children any better today. I need to focus all of that energy that I am wasting on worrying, on letting them know all of the ways that I love them and on ensuring that they are secure, confident, kind human beings, who will be able to navigate their worlds better than I was ever able to do way back when. It's time for a good heart to heart with my children and for us to hit the reset button before school starts and I COMPLETELY lose my shit!
Natasha~
If only the people who worry about their liabilities would think about the riches they do possess,
they would stop worrying.
~Dale Carnegie
Photo Credit: abbmona on Flickr
P.S. ...this may or may not be the first post for the 2013 #SummerBlogChallenge.
hope > fear
In 2005, my husband and I took a trip to Tanzania. It was primarily to attend the wedding of one of his best friends and since we were half way around the world we decided to explore a part of the world we had never experienced before and booked a tour through Northern Tanzania and a safari as well. And while being 10 feet away from mating lions was indeed a highlight of the trip (ask me for the pics some other time), the experience that stood out the most for me was our friend's wedding.
It was the most amazing, joyous, vibrant ceremony of love that I have ever attended. It was also the first time that my husband (a first generation Chinese-Canadian) and I had to deal with questions about our inter-racial relationship. For the most part the questions were not offensive, just more curious and mostly from the younger crowd. How did we deal with people not approving of our being together? Do we hold hands and/or kiss when out in public? What did our parents think of our union? In those moments and conversations, the bubble of our privileged lives in Canada was effectively POPPED! We heard stories of interracial couples being spit on in the streets of Johannesburg. Of them having to leave places at different times so as to not arouse suspicion. Of not being able to share with their families their happiness in finding love. It broke our hearts to hear these stories and all we could offer these young couples was our hope that someday this would not be the case for them.
That somehow racism would cease to exist.
That trip was almost 6 years ago.
I am trying not to give up hope.
I am trying not to let it get over-run by fear.
A fear that is on television, in the news and in our faces EVERY SINGLE DAY.
That fear that feeds itself and grows exponentially in the wake of every incident of horror or injustice in our society.
This past week the verdict in the Trayvon Martin case fed this voracious fear one hell of a hearty meal. And once again, my heart was broken and my head hurt from trying to understand how this could happen in our world. I can't and won't speak for the millions of women of colour whose own fears for their sons were confirmed on the day Trayvon was shot dead and again on the day his killer was acquitted of his death. I refer you to The Feminist Wire to read Christen Smith's open love note to her son and to Ebony.com to read Asha French's A Time for Tantrums and to Heather Greenwood-Davis's post over at Embrace the Chaos. To read their words and too know that no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you imagine yourself in their shoes, you will likely never know that kind of fear for your child.
What the Trayvon case has done for me is make me question the things I haven't talked to my kids about. Specifically the topics of race and racism. We haven't really talked about our Canadian (and their Chinese) history and how we all came to be where we are today. And we certainly haven't come remotely close to discussing oppression in the Americas.
One of the many wonderful feminists that I follow on twitter had this to say the other day:
What followed was a great discussion about how to start this conversation with kids and a few others joined in to give ideas and suggestions on age appropriate books and materials as well. This was one of the posts shared, with links to some great books as well. I also picked up "If the World Were a Village" yesterday at our local library to start these conversations in our house.
[youtube]http://youtu.be/FtYjUv2x65g[/youtube]
And while we often hear parents saying things like, "Oh, they are just kids, they don't see the differences in skin colour, they just see another friend to play with" or some variant of the rhetoric of "colour-blindness" in children, I think that we need to help our children recognize and appreciate the differences in all their friends. Everyone is unique and special and instead of pretending that these differences do not exist, we need to teach our children to understand those differences and to accept those differences in each other. Because like it or not, at a certain point, they do see them, especially if they are the different ones. I have already started to notice that far too often there are not a lot of girls in stories and books that look like my daughter. Dark haired, dark eyed, slightly darker skin tone. And what pains me a bit every time it happens is that she chooses the books (and toys) with the girls with long blond hair over the ones that look more like her. One of her favourite movies is Disney's Tangled, but do you think you can easily find a Rapunzel doll with her great (and much more practical) AFTER hair cut? No, you can not. It is up to me to make sure my children see themselves as valuable and beautiful and worthy of their own stories and adventures.
I am not even going to pretend to understand the levels of hate and racism that continue to exist in our world. All I can do is teach my children to love themselves for who they are and to accept and love others for who they are regardless of size, colour, gender or orientation. And I will continue to work hard, and be an example in my life and as a parent and guide in my children's lives, so that one day, love and hope will drown out the fear.
Natasha~
Have you discussed the Trayvon Martin case with your children? How do you address issues of racism in your house? Please share any books or ressources you may have. Thank you.
**UPDATE**
Please read this post from Mahogany Motherhood with more links to the parenting community's conversations and posts about racism. Please read them to help you understand their stories and Trayvon's tragic one too..