#notbuyingit-part two

I wrote a post last night about how I was upset about the gender stereotyping that occurs at stores like Gymboree and Old Navy for Halloween (and all year long really) and I made a terrible and glaringly awful mistake in that post. I forgot about the boys.

And it is because I totally got called out by this comment from reader Dave (highlighting is mine), that I am writing this now.

...gender stereotyping starts much too young and invades far too much of our society. As bad as it is for the girls who want to be an EMT or Astronaut, and it is really bad, it is even worse in the opposite direction. That’s right, if girls are highly stereotyped as ‘Pretty’, then the degree of stereotyping aimed at boys is far, FAR worse. It is so bad that it is not even recognized as stereotyping – indignation is expressed against the lack of images of girls as pirates or dragons, but no mention is ever made of the lack of boys as butterflies or flowers. The image of girls in traditional ‘boy’ roles may be having trouble breaking into the mainstream, but the image of boys in traditional ‘girl’ roles is almost universally viewed as “queer”, “gay”, or “immoral” to the point where it is never seen and virtually never mentioned – I note that it is not mentioned in your own blog. If we want to see gender equality, then both sides of this inequality have to be addressed...

To be perfectly honest, I didn't quite forget about the boys, I was thinking about them the whole time I was writing the post and struggling with my own ingrained stereotypes.

Because here is the thing...

Even though Natural Urban Dad and I  have not purposely focused on anything particularly gender specific for our children, we are the parents of a superhero, dinosaur, Transformers, and Hero Factory loving boy and a puppy dogs, unicorns , Hello Kitty and fairy loving girly girl. Now that is not to say that at any given point in our house there may in fact be a tea party happening with fairies, puppies AND Transformers all enjoying a sip or two kids running around the house roaring  like the scary T-rex's that they are while wearing their baby dolls on their backs, but for all intents and purposes I am a mama to two kids who A) love each other a whole lot and B) who have pretty specific and somewhat traditional likes and dislikes.

And why wouldn't they?

I am quite the girly girl myself. I like to wear skirts and dresses and jewelry and have pretty shoes and painted toenails and all that jazz. I like to have tea parties (or coffee playdates as we mamas like to call them) and go shopping and I happen to have a love of all things fey as well.

{Case in point: My new sparkly 'Goddess' shoes!}

And Natural Urban Dad is a {ridiculously gorgeous} superhero nerd, who loves his comic books, will never wear pink (although a nice lavender is OK) and firmly believes that all of life's important lessons can be learned from the likes of Superman, Spiderman and The Avengers.

{And it is a key factor in his decorating choices as well.}

Somehow, without quite meaning to do so, not only have we have created  two incredibly lovable and beautiful little creatures, but we have also quite literally created them in our own images!

This is not a bad thing at all, it just means that I need to be a bit more honest about my own thoughts and feelings about gender inequality and stereotypes that exist in this world and in the reality that is my kids lives as well. Am I still upset about the ad images and marketing that kids stores use? YES! Absolutely. Costumes are just that, costumes. To be used to inspire imagination and role play and for kids to pretend to be anything they want to be. Be it a flower, a bug, an astronaut or a dragon. But like Dave said, until we address this from both sides of the gender coin this inequality and stereotyping will continue unchecked.

No one illustrated these points better than my dear friend Alex in this incredible post about her son and his wings! Please read it and know although I am still #notbuyingit from Gymboree, Old Navy or any of the 'girl' this and 'boy' that toys and products that companies keep shoving down our throats, I will likely have a Minnie Mouse and a Zombie on my hands come Halloween this year.

Of course, because he is my son, that zombie may in fact be a daddy zombie wearing his baby zombie in a carrier on his back.

Who knows....?

Till tomorrow,

Natasha~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is Day 20 of the 31 Days of the Summer Blog Challenge.

Comments and retweets and sharing makes us all feel special.

Go do some of that over at these blogs too! Thank you.

Zita at The Dulock Diaries.

Meaghan at MagzD Life

April at This Mom’s Got Something to Say

Aramelle at One Wheeler’s World

 Jessica at 2plus2X2

and Liam at In the Now

But, but, but....

I was supposed to write a different post tonight. {Sorry Z, I decided that I wanted to think on that one a bit more.} Instead, you are going to get a look at the emotional turmoil that is a mother more than half-way through summer holidays, about to send not just one, but both of her babies off to school in less than three weeks!

Here we go...

I  am anxious for summer to be over and to get back to the routine of the school year

but,

I don't want summer to end, because we haven't done all that I had planned for us yet.

~

I love our carefree days and NOT having to live by a schedule

but,

I miss MY schedule and any time for just me.

~

I want to have crazy summer nights out with my girlfriends

but,

My evenings are the only time I get alone with Natural Urban Dad.

~

At the end of our days, I am touched out, talked out, and I need a time-out

but,

At the end of our days, all I want is to cuddle them as they fall asleep,

breath in their just-bathed smell and memorize every small detail of them at that very moment.

~

I want Summer to be over.

I want Summer to never end.

~

I want them to grow up.

I want them to stay like this forever.

~

Sigh,

Natasha~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Day 15 of the Summer Blog Challenge!!

HALF-WAY!

Go! See my friends. Comments and sharing is nice too!

Zita at The Dulock Diaries.

Meaghan at MagzD Life

April at This Mom’s Got Something to Say

Aramelle at One Wheeler’s World

 Jessica at 2plus2X2

and Liam at In the Now

A letter to my daughter.

My dearest L, We've started talking about it.

About you growing up and getting to be a big girl now.

I see you taking so many steps and leaps into life that only a few short months ago, I know would have been impossible for you to navigate.

Today, I dropped you off for your first ever day of summer camp and I was SO worried. I was worried that you would not want to participate. That you would not let me leave you there with your camp leaders for the few hours of fun and learning.

But I was wrong.

You put that bike helmet on, told your Bike Camp instructor your name and with a big smile and a wave back at me, took off with the rest of the kids.

I stuck around for a bit, just to make sure you settled in OK {and to be honest, more for my peace of mind than yours}. But there was really no need, because you my girl, ROCKED IT!

And I am so proud of you.

We have also started talking about you going to preschool in the Fall and how when that happens and because you will be such a big girl then...

...that we are going to stop nursing.

And I know that you my beautiful girl will likely be far more OK with this decision and transition than me, the grown up. For you it is another milestone. A stepping stone on your amazing flower strewn path of life and a beginning of a new phase of self-discovery. For me it is going to be something a little different.

It is an end of something for Mommy. Something that has meant more to me than I ever, in my wildest dreams, could have imagined it would mean. And I may be a bit sad about it.

But I know in my heart that it is time. It is time that we both take those big girl steps and grow up a bit. You into the super-girl preschooler that I know you are going to be and me into the mama of two KIDS and no longer the mama of babies.

I hope that one day we can both look back on these days fondly. That you will remember nursing and how it made you feel. How you liked to snuggle into me, take a deep inhale and say that I smelled like boobie-breasts - your sly little hint that you wanted to nurse.

I want you to know that this experience with first your big brother and then you, has shaped me in more ways that you can imagine.

Nursing you has made me a more patient mama. A more present mama. And a more pragmatic mama too. YOU made me just BE in a way that I wasn't doing before you. And I am not sure I can ever thank you properly for that.

I see so much of myself in you my girl. We look similar, we have similar mannerisms, and yet, there you are, your own little person. Your creative spirit, your sillyness, the way you thank me every night without prompting for "making a delicious dinner" and for the way you hold my hand so tightly when we are out and about.

There are so many things about you that make my heart swell and I know that this is a list that is just going to keep on growing as you do too.

And although you are leaving the realms of baby and toddler-hood behind and taking me with you, know this my child...

You will always be my beautiful baby girl!

Love you forever and ever and ever,

Mommy~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is my Day 6 post for the Summer Blog Challenge. Yes, yes I know.. it's a day late.

Please visit my fellow bloggers and Psst... we all REALLY enjoy your comments!

Zita at The Dulock Diaries.

Meaghan at MagzD Life

April at This Mom’s Got Something to Say

Aramelle at One Wheeler’s World

 Jessica at 2plus2X2

and Liam at In the Now

Nothing in life is ever really 'FREE'

I am confused. And I don't want to add fuel to the fire of the ridiculous and never ending how you feed your baby Mommy Wars, but I am serious. I am really confused.

New Your City has a new initiative called "Latch On NYC". It is aimed at promoting breastfeeding in the city's many hospitals. In order to do this, the plan is to limit access to "free" formula samples and any advertising and marketing materials from the formula companies that are distributed to new mothers and their babies in the first few hours and days after birth.

And there is a lot of hulabaloo about it all over the interwebs this week. Especially because it is World Breastfeeding Week.

A lot of people are quite upset about it and like in this article from Cafe Mom think that this is removing a woman's choice in how she feeds her baby (it is NOT). Some media outlets are sensationalizing their headlines and falsely interpreting it as a BAN on formula in hospitals (again, it is NOT). Some are using all those ugly words again, like bullying, breastapo, etc.... to describe the initiative and the counselling that mothers will (and should always) receive about breastfeeding while still in hospital.

The source of my confusion in all of this goes back to my first paragraph. You see those airquotes around the word FREE?

Yeah, that.

You know that old saying that if it something seems to good to be true, it usually is? I think this applies here.

Because in the long run, there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING  "free" about the formula samples that are given to new moms in hospital. NOT. ONE. DAMN. THING.

Here is just a short list of what is the COST of these freebies:

1. The average cost to formula feed an infant for the first year of life is in the range of $1350.00 to $2160.00 and can be as high as $5000.00 if the child needs a specialty formula. NOT FREE.

2. Research PROVES that giving formula in the first few hours and days after birth can significantly compromise the breastfeeding relationship between mom and baby. No more breastfeeding = more formula = NOT FREE.

3. On most cities Food Bank MOST NEEDED ITEMS List you will ALWAYS see Baby Formula. And this one really gets to me. So often it is the lower income families that seem to get the least amount of support and information about breastfeeding. They leave the hospital with samples of the most expensive brands of formula and then can't afford it on their own! DEFINITELY NOT FREE.

4. The public health and economic savings that could be had with more breastfeeding versus formula feeding are well documented as well. For most working parents (especially in countries with no paid maternity leave), babies who are sick more = parents who have to take time off of work = lost wages = NOT FREE.

5. The only thing that IS free here is the free advertising and marketing that the formula companies are getting from hospitals and health care workers. This is a quote from Dr. Laura Sinai, from the American Association of Pediatrics 2012 Leadership Forum taken from the ammendment to divest from formula marketing in pediatric care.

"There is no “gift” in a “gift bag” except that  from the healthcare system applying a seal of approval to the formula manufacturer without compensation. Research reveals that when a health care provider distributes a formula manufacturer’s goods, the recipient interprets that action to indicate that formula feeding is superior to breastfeeding and that the brand distributed is superior to the alternatives."

So Mamas, here is my request.

Before you believe all the hype and crying foul about New York's new breasfeeding initiative, lets really examine who is getting what for FREE here and see this initiative for what it has the potential to be. A really good step in the right direction for moms and babies everywhere!

OK?

Thanks,

Natasha~

P.S. If you would like a bit more perspective on this issue, I highly recommend that you read AskMoxie's post and also Dr. Jay Gordon's guest post from Susan Berger, IBCLC on the Huffington Post.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is the Day 4 post for the Summer Blog Challenge {31 posts in 31 Days}.

Check out these great posts from our other participants too!

Zita at The Dulock Diaries.

Meaghan at MagzD Life

April at This Mom's Got Something to Say

and Aramelle at One Wheeler's World

Learning to ride and learning to let go

After your first day of cycling, one dream is inevitable.A memory of motion lingers in the muscles of your legs, and round and round they seem to go. You ride through Dreamland on wonderful dream bicycles that change and grow. ~ H.G. Wells The Wheels of Chance

My son learned to ride his bike a few weeks ago.

And neither his father nor I had very much to do with it.

I enrolled Little C in the Pedalheads Bike Camp and after seeing the results of this week long, 2.5 hours a day camp program, I know that it was the best thing for all of us.

For one thing, they took the training wheels of his bike on the first day! (I know for a fact that I wouldn't have done that for a long time because I would have been the one afraid to, not him!)

By the second day, he was riding about 10-15 feet on his own and at the end of the week, all he needed was a little bit of a push and off he went riding at least a block.

Every day he would come home and was just so proud of himself and also a bit "Meh, no biggie mom, just ridin' my bike."

And every day, I wondered if I was missing out somehow on this milestone in my child's life. Wondering if it should be me or his dad doing the teaching.

Then I would remember myself and my son and our personalities and know that there is no way that I would have been able to have the patience to do it and that we would have just ended up frustrated with each other and someone would very likely be in tears at the end of it (me!).

I think this is simply one more lesson I am learning as a parent.

Know thy limits.

I could have spent hours all summer trying to teach my son to ride and I know that it would not have been fun for either of us. Instead I chose to send him to bike camp, to learn with his peers, to be pushed without the pressure of Mommy or Daddy hovering over him and to be so proud of something that he accomplished on his own!

In fact, he had so much fun and I was so impressed by the program, that I am enrolling both him and his sister in one more week before the summer is out!

Every single day I learn more and more about this parenting gig. I see around me the kind of parent I want to be and I also see the kind of parent I don't want to be.

I don't want to be that parent that pushes my kid so hard that every lesson ends in tears. I want him to want to do the activities that make him happy (not me) and I want him to feel a sense of accomplishment doing them.  I also don't want to be the parent that is overly present and always there to pick up the pieces. And this may be a lesson for further on down the road, but I don't want to raise an entitled little shit who knows that mommy and daddy are always gonna bail him out of whatever mess or mistake or hiccup he faces in life. I want him to learn to pick himself up and learn from his mistakes and do better the next time around.

I DO want to be the kind of parent that instills a sense of work ethic in my children. And by work ethic, I mean, you get what you give. Give something your best shot, try your hardest and you will get the rewards. Often that reward is just the smug self-satisfaction of knowing that you did that something... ALL. BY. YOURSELF! Trust me, for a five and a half year old, this is BIG! And for my little perfectionist (sheesh is he ever his father's kid!) this is GINORMOUS!!

So next week, there I will be once again, the mom on the sidelines, drinking my grande soy latte and watching someone else teach my kids the finer points of balance, brakes and biking like a pro! And I am good with that.

I am learning what it is that I am good at as a parent and THIS, is just not one of those things.

It's called delegating people! Don't hesitate to do it... even as a parent!

See you on the bike trails!

Natasha~

--------------------

This post is Day TWO of the Summer Blog Challenge.

Check out these other posts from my friends joining in on the fun.

Zita gets very personal and has some news over at The Dulock Diaries

Meaghan has a confession and a colourful addiction at MagzD Life

April gives us the low down on her "new" parenting method at This Mom's Got Something to Say.

and Liam's BS meter went off the charts over at In the Now.

{breastfeeding} Ignorance is not bliss.

I have been good. Really. I have.

No ranting, no attacking, no blood boiling posts written in haste.

I have applied the way more than 72 hours rule here and I feel like I can now reply to the whole TIME magazine cover photo and extended breastfeeding ridiculousness with somewhat of a level head.

But here is the thing...

I am not going to go on and on about the benefits of extended breastfeeding. You can read THIS or THIS for more on that.

I am not going to go on and on about why that particular photo of Jamie Lynn Grumet and her son was chosen for the most shock value on the cover of TIME. You can read Jamie's own words HERE.

I am not going to go on and on about what attachment parenting is and is not and if I or anyone else is MOM enough. {Psst, we all are and then some BTW!}

What I am going to do is provide some clarification on a few points. Points that have been made in some common and ignorant comments I have read on my own Facebook Page and on quite a few other blog posts and articles written on the topic since the TIME cover was revealed to the world.

Last week I posted this picture on my Natural Urban Mamas Facebook page. It is of my little L nursing and I captioned it,

"In case anyone was wondering... THIS is what a 3-year-old nursing USUALLY looks like!"

Common Ignorant Comment #1. "Get that kid a t-bone", "Why can't she drink out of a cup?", "2/3/4 year olds should be eating solid food and drinking out of a cup." And other variations on this theme.

Really people?? Do you really think that because a toddler or a child is nursing that THIS is their only source of nutrition? Wait! Maybe this is the case and this is really what people think! And perhaps this is why people are so weirded out by it. Because they have only ever seen infants nursing they just assume that if an older child is nursing, they are not actually eating other foods as well.

Okay, so let me clear this up then. Children who are nursing beyond a year are doing so IN ADDITION TO eating solid foods and drinking other liquids (water, juice and/or milk) from a sippy cup, regular cup or other implement for drinking. To be perfectly honest, I am not sure that I or most nursing moms could keep up with the nutritional demands of a busy, constantly moving and growing toddler. So YES, these babies are eating food, YES, they can drink out of a cup and NO, contrary to popular belief and a lot of comments, it really is not easier to pump some breast milk into a cup for them. It is far easier to let my daughter nurse for a few minutes, get what she needs (be that a drink of mama's milk, some comfort or just a check-in with mama) and then happily go on about her day.

Common Ignorant Comment #2: "You are doing this for your own needs, not those of your child."

This one I find interesting and I sent it out to the Twitterverse for more clarification from my peeps. Some of them agreed with the statement and others said things along these lines from @kimliving:

"I'm thinking those folks haven't watched my toddler insist on breastfeeding during those moments I'd rather not...

Here is the thing, I don't completely disagree with this statement. I do think that when the nay-sayers are spouting off this one they mean that as mothers, we are trying to extend the baby phase for our kids so that we can keep them 'little' longer. That we are avoiding the inevitable and not letting out babies grow up.

Is there an element of truth to this? Perhaps. L is my last baby. And while I love watching her grow and learn and discover new things about her world, I would be lying if I said I did not feel those tugs at my heart every time she seems to not NEED me as much anymore. That being said, I have to also say that breastfeeding her is not something that I NEED. It is something that SHE needs. She is the one who asks to nurse once or twice during the day, she is the one who crawls into my bed in the morning for our routine snuggle and nurse.

I DO NOT spend my days chasing her around saying, "Come on L, it is time to nurse now." QUITE the opposite actually, I will often deflect her requests to nurse because I simply do not want to, or because we are in a public place or I am not wearing the right kind of top or any number of other reasons I can find.

You see, I am ready for her to be done breastfeeding, but SHE is not. So continuing to nurse at this point is indeed her NEED and not mine.

But just so you know, I do happen to get a whole lot of benefits from her continuing to breastfeed, like a reduced risk of breast, ovarian and uterine cancer, protection against osteoporosis and a reduced risk of cardiovascular disease.  Not bad perks if you ask me. I'll take 'em!

Common SUPER Ignorant Comment #3: "You are psychologically, emotionally, and/or sexually abusing your child!" or "This is not normal."

I find this whole line of comments and opinions frustrating, laughable, disrespectful, mean AND SO WRONG!

There is plenty of research that shows that children who are FORCED into independence prematurely are the ones who suffer more both mentally and socially, NOT the kids whose needs are met in a warm and loving way like breastfeeding.

My children do not have an unhealthy attachment to me. They feel safe and confident to explore their worlds and know that there is always a comforting and safe place (ME) to come back to when they need to.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics,

“There is no upper limit to the duration of breastfeeding and no evidence of psychologic or developmental harm from breastfeeding into the third year of life or longer.”

And also the American Academy of Family Physicians says that the natural age of weaning in humans has been estimated to be between 2 and 7 years, and that

“There is no evidence that extended breastfeeding is harmful to mother or child.”

These rather large bodies of medical experts can't be that far off base on something like this and I am pretty sure that they need sound research and studies to back up what they say in print.

As for the sexual abuse comments. I seriously don't even know where to start with these and I will fully admit that it was one particular comment that got me riled-up enough to write this post. This is what one young mom wrote to me... (Yes, I creeped on her FB profile to see just who would say this kind of thing. This is also a good reminder to you all to check your privacy settings!)

"After the age of 2 years old, I consider breastfeeding child abuse. All women know that when a child is suckling your nipple, you have what they call a "mini orgasms" in order to produce your milk. So after a certain age, regardless of stress, you are creating a orgasm with your child. Try going for a "bath" you will get the same destressed results."

Do you see the magnitude of the ignorance and lack of education about breastfeeding that we are up against here Mamas?

I can only assume that she was talking about the feeling of a milk 'let-down' and I don't know about you, but mine where FAR from orgasmic!! Physiologically, the same hormone (oxytocin) is involved in both a let-down and an orgasm, but that really is about as much as the two have in common.

All I can really say is that the over-sexualization of EVERYTHING in our North American society is so far gone, that I don't know if we can ever go back. We live in a world where it is more shocking for a mother to be shown breastfeeding her three-year old (in whatever position and on whatever piece of furniture required) than it is for a 4-year-old to dress up like a hooker and parade around a stage for money. Can someone please tell me how this makes sense?

In the end...

Breastfeeding, babywearing, co-sleeping, discipline, parenting, MOTHERING.

These are all highly personal decisions that we all have to make for ourselves and for our children. I just hope that we all have the strength and conviction to stand by what we decide and not let all the ignorance and sensationalism that surrounds us cloud our own judgement and confidence in ourselves.

Stay strong Mamas. Let the haters hate themselves into oblivion.  Be the example and the change you want to see. Show that to your children.  And stay on the path of LOVE.

Natasha~

Not evil, just corporations and marketing 101.

I feel the need to also publish this post tonight. I wrote this at the same time as I did my previous post, but they needed separating in order for my thoughts on both to be clear and concise (and to make sense to me!). My friend who wrote about the "heart" vs "brain" conversations when it comes to breastfeeding or not, also brought up something that I feel I need to explore in a bit more detail. She said in her post that:

...groups that appear extremist seldom accomplish much beyond polarizing the already divided public and swaying public opinion away from their original goals. I think the breastfeeding “movement” falls victim to this, getting labeled by the crazy behaviours of a smaller subsection of our population.  This makes us feel sad and defeated, and we react from that emotional place as opposed to regrouping and considering more carefully our efforts.

Likewise, the women who find themselves on the other side of the debate, feel persecuted by the more extremist movement and, in an effort to self-protect and to defend, respond from an emotionally charged place to advocacy efforts that they perceive as being an attack on their choices.

These statements have forced me to take a very hard look at my advocacy efforts and my messaging to all mothers and to explore why this is happening as well.

I realize that I can never speak for or about mothers who have formula fed their children, as I have never done this. Really. If someone ever asked me how to prepare a bottle of formula, I would have absolutely NO IDEA!  And I would have to point them to the best resource I know, the formula manufacturer. I am also not a breastfeeding expert. I am not an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant or even a La Leche League leader. I am a mother who has continuously been nursing one or both of my children for 5.5 years and in a few special circumstances. I know where to go for advice and more education if needed and I share that along with my own personal experiences with any and all who want it (or in the case of my blog, choose to read about it).

I also want you all to know that I am not about being 'the hippy child' versus 'the big bad corporation' either. It would be very hypocritical of me to be that person, coming from a career in the pharmaceutical industry and also as someone who relies heavily on modern medicines to keep me healthy.

I  live by another saying in my life, and that is, "Nothing happens in this world until someone sells you something." Be that a product, a service, an idea or a cause. Formula manufacturers, along with most large corporations are not EVIL per se. They exist to make money for their shareholders and to sell their product. They are there to grow their market share and increase their bottom line. Plain and simple. Not evil, just capitalist. (I realize that this in and of itself could be a whole other conversation on it's own, but we'll leave it for another time!)

The problem with the formula manufacturers is that their market is mothers... with babies. And their main competition... yup, you guessed it, is BREASTMILK. And therefore their main target audience and how they GROW that market share is by focusing their efforts and advertising dollars on mothers who are breastfeeding (or the people who directly influence these mothers).

And here is where it gets all messy...

No one wants to believe that a company would willingly undermine a mother's breastfeeding relationship. No one wants to think that there is some evil plan conceived in a board room somewhere to get you to fail at breastfeeding. And you know what... NO ONE is actually doing that. There is no evil plan, there is just a corporate need (greed) to increase market share and make more money. Now to some, this may be the evil in and of itself, but really, this is just business as usual in a free market.

Does it suck? Yes. Are the marketing practices of these companies questionable and downright harmful to the breastfeeding rates in North America. Yes and Yes. Does this mean that they are being successful and doing a good job? Some would argue that yes, they are. This is after all a billion dollar industry and all this money = more dividends for shareholders and more market share. And so they continue on marketing, selling and growing their businesses.

On the other hand, we have breastfeeding.

NOT a billion dollar industry. Actually a free and readily renewable resource and with the right information, resources and support, a potentially life saving one as well.

Breastfeeding does not have fancy logos and pamphlets to pepper our doctors offices with. Outside of the ACTUAL breast milk, you don't get any free samples of anything in the mail or at the hospital after you've had your baby. Breastfeeding does not have millions of dollars to spend on ad campaigns with giggling, happy babies. Breastfeeding does not have any 'add-on' branded accessories that you need to buy in order to do it properly at home or 'on the go'. Breastfeeding does not have the 'continuing medical education' dollars from its manufacturers to spend on further educating our health care practitioners about it or give them the resources for referrals to the real experts.

So where does this leave us?

From an outsider's view it can look like a real David and Goliath scenario. A billion dollar industry with reach and scope worldwide versus...

Boobs. Big ol' breast milk producing boobies.

But the hard truth of this is that, in this fight, no one ever really 'wins'.

One side feels that the general public is being misled and misinformed about both breastfeeding and formula.  There are protests, there are efforts to help the public understand more about 'the competition', there are peer groups and grass-roots organizations formed to give support and alternatives for infant feeding. And what happens time and again is that in the zeal and desire to educate and inform and yes, even expose the formula manufacturers and to an extend formula itself, the message is lost. It gets lost to the point that even when good, solid, evidence-based and peer-reviewed research and new information is available (either about breast milk/breastfeeding or formula), this too gets poo-poo'd and chalked up something that those "crazy breastfeeding (insert derogatory and inflammatory word here)" are saying.

And this makes me sad.

Because here is what I think is also happening. I think that the more we 'fight' about how we feed our children, the more we continue this breastfeeder versus formula-feeder stance.... the happier the shareholders at the formula companies are going to be.

Let me explain.

Mothers (and most people actually) who feel that they are being PUSHED to do anything, will push back. And in this case, if the push is to breastfeed (and the message being heard by some is "at all costs"), I think what we risk doing is simply pushing more and more mothers away from our messages, our information and from breastfeeding at all, and into the open, waiting and seemingly so very understanding (cue the BRILLIANT marketing) arms of the formula manufacturers.

So what is the answer here. How do we as breastfeeding advocates help spread a message and help further educate mothers and families with ALL the information they need about both breastfeeding AND formula feeding, without all the 'bashing' of the formula companies? To be perfectly honest, I don't know. I have been breastfeeding for over 5 years, have been an active participant in the advocacy movement for the past 3 and in all that time, not once have I ever seen a discussion about breastfeeding or formula-feeding progress beyond the "I am a mother, doing the best I can for my babies and it is my choice." rhetoric. From both sides.

What I do know is this. Formula manufacturers are companies (not people). They have a bottom line and that is to make money. In order to make more money they need to grow a market. And anyone who knows anything about marketing or has even taken a rudimentary Marketing 101 class in university knows that in order to do that, you need to convince said market that they NEED your product. If you create the NEED, they will COME! If you focus on how difficult it can be to breastfeed, provide 24 hour 1-800 numbers to help whenever that NEED arises, show TV commercials of happy, giggling babies who have had a "happy feeding", well... it is what it is folks. We live in a nation that, although we may embrace the World Health Organization and their standards for the International Code of Marketing of Breastmilk Substitutes, neither  the Canadian or the US governments have enacted legislation to ensure that anyone is bound in any way by its guidelines. Companies are free to market and advertise their products in the best way they see fit to make more money and grow their shares.

I don't really have any answers here and I don't know that there are any. In the face of all of this, I can only promise that I will COMMIT to keeping the dialogue open and to continue to advocate from a place of positivity.

I can not fight the Nestles and Similacs and Enfamils of the world on a grand scale. But I can use my voice, a NOISY one I think, and I will continue to speak out against what I believe are unethical and undermining marketing practices by these giants of industry.

I will not judge anyone's choice in this matter. Breastmilk, donor milk, formula. Doesn't matter to me one iota. As long as it is your choice and you are happy with it. (Happy with it, being the operative term here.)

I will share my experiences and those of others that have chosen this path. I will share as many resources as I can here on my blog and if you need more please email me and I will help you find someone in your city, town or hamlet who can help.

And I will not stop talking or writing about breastfeeding, and the many options for infant feeding that are becoming more available to mom's who are willing to seek them out and explore these options.

Thank you,

Natasha~

P.S This very lengthy post is an OPINION piece. MY opinion. Please keep that in mind when you are commenting.

P.P.S. Any comments that are inflammatory or divisive or that PROVE MY POINT about being over zealous in either camp, will be reviewed and probably deleted.

P.P.P.S. I am very excited to have found a way to use the word IOTA in a blog post! Just saying...

Passion and Compassion

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

~Erma Bombeck

Oh Erma, how I wish this was more true.

Compassion. A feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

As mothers we (are supposed to) have it in spades.

For our babies, who need us 24/7 to nourish, nurture, love and keep them safe.

For our husbands and partners, who for the above reasons need us as well and because they are there for us when we need them. Sharing our lives, bringing home the bacon, or doing the stay-at-home parent thing while we go back to work.

And for our fellow {wo}man. Our sisters, our friends, the stranger with 4 kids under 4  struggling at the grocery store, the new mama doing her best to figure this all out, the grandmother who has been there and done that and now looks on with a touch of nostalgia in her eyes.

BUT...

Throw in any bit of information about how you feed your baby, how you get your baby to sleep or what you do to discipline your child (just to name a few polarizing parental choices) and BAM!!

Our compassion and understanding seems to revert right back to judgment!

Especially on the interwebz!

Why am I bringing this up you ask? Am I being like one of the many blogs and sites out there trying to stir up page views by "fueling the mommy wars" as they like to say?

GOOD GAWD NO!! Please know that this is NOT my intention at all.

This post is being written because over the past few days, I have had a lot to think about. I have had a chance to see things from a different perspective and have come to some personal conclusions that have left me needing to write it all down to make sure I completely understand what exactly happened and why.

The other night, I got riled up. Full on, blood boiling, hands shaking, MAD! I was on Facebook (mistake #1) and followed a link to a site that had posted an article about the cancelled #GNO Twitter party. The post asked if indeed the party was in violation of the WHO Code of Marketing for formula manufacturers and I commented and said that yes, it absolutely was. A few replies later, the author stated that the party was shut down by a bunch of women who have a PERSONAL BIAS against women formula-feeding.

Cue my blood pressure shooting through the roof! REALLY? A personal bias against these mothers? ME?

In a fit of frustration and with a very strong desire and intention to have a real conversation about all of this on my personal Facebook Page with my Facebook Friends, I posted a status update requesting this. (mistake #2)

What happened next was 4 hours and 153 comments of a very passionate discourse. It was FILLED with emotion, it was exhausting, and in the end I did not feel like it got us anywhere and did not even come close to the conversation I was looking for.

And I should have known better.

I should have given myself 24 hours to cool down after I read the original post and then figured out if I did indeed need to have this discussion... AGAIN. (And perhaps not on Facebook, where filters are often off and we say or type things when we probably should have left well enough alone.)

Here is what I have learned in the last few days after some personal reflection and thanks to a very long note from a friend that helped immensely. This topic, these breast milk and formula feeding conversations, regardless of how you frame them, will ALWAYS be a case of 'the chicken and the egg" and I fear that there will never be a 'right' answer or a 'winning' side. And as Albert Einstein himself said,

Doing (or in this case, saying or asking) the same thing over and over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.

My very smart friend, who did take 24 hours to formulate her response to my original post, also very wisely said that,"Breastfeeding (or the ability or choice NOT to) is a 'heart' issue." Meaning, that most mothers can't help but talk to you from an emotional level on the subject. And in one of the many side conversations that were also going on that night, another dear friend sent me a message and said that, "A breastfeeding mother is changed forever emotionally." I can not emphasize enough how much I agree with her on this and firmly believe that breastfeeding changes us on an emotional, physical and biological level. What I also learned that night is that a mother who desperately wanted to breastfeed, was told from a trusted source that she could not, had to supplement with formula, felt judged for that decision and who continues to harbour guilt and shame for it, is also FOREVER EMOTIONALLY CHANGED.

Both are mothers, both have struggles and triumphs, both are doing the best that they KNOW HOW for their children and themselves and neither deserves to be judged or criticized for her decisions.

I am a very firm believer in the saying "When you know better , you do better." Trust me, I knew a lot more going into my second pregnancy and having Princess L than I did with Little C. Do I wish I was better informed the first time around? Absolutely. But hindsight only serves to build frustration and regret, and I really don't have time for either of those in my life. If I was to have a third child (not gonna happen y'all!) you can bet I would even more, very differently than I did in Round 1 or 2.

Being an advocate for something (anything really) doesn't mean condemning or judging people's past, present or future choices. There should never be any  "You should have..." or "Why did/didn't you...?" in advocacy conversations. There should only be, "Here is the information and resources we know and have NOW, please listen, read, hear what I have to say and make your decision(s) with them in mind. Thank you."

Which brings me back to compassion.

As mothers, I think we need to have way more compassion in our conversations, especially our online ones.

Having discussions about "heart" topics in not a bad thing, but we must keep in mind not only our own hearts, but those of the people we are communicating with as well. If someone is being defensive about something, we need to do our best to find out why? Don't be afraid to ask about someone's feelings and experiences, find out what is behind a person's hurt or anger. Be compassionate.

This becomes even more important in the world of advocacy and especially so in the world of motherhood. There will always be things that come easier to some than to others, there will always be things that work for you that don't for me, and there will always be new information coming forward that may or may not change the way we do all of these things.

In these matters of the "heart", that are so deeply rooted in us and our identities as mothers, that rouse our passions and our emotions to such heights, let us not forget that we are all mothers doing the best we can for our beautiful babies and travelling this long and dusty and often pot-hole filled mothering road together. Let us hold each other up, pass the canteen and keep on moving forward.

And here is something else that I think needs to be said about any 'how I feed my baby' conversations,be it in person or online (and please feel free to correct me if I am wrong and completely off on this one). I think that the mothers who CAN and DO breastfeed, whether it is an easy road or not, may need to have a teensy bit more compassion for the mom who did not or can not do so. For whatever the reason, be it misinformation, lack of resources and support, personal choice, medical reasons or whatever the case may be, we need to show compassion along with our passion. Because deep down, I am pretty sure there exits an element of guilt or regret or failure in all these mamas about the one thing their bodies are supposed to do for their babies.

Thank you for reading and I do appreciate your comments...

Please keep them respectful and compassionate.

Much love,

Natasha~

Photo Credit: Lawrie Cate's Flickr Photostream