Isn't it Ironic

I wrote a post last week that seems to have fueled an already burning fire. You know the one, the much-debated, 'Why do we do this to each other?', so-called "Mommy Wars". And while I stand by my message in that post, that not everyone has to or is going to like me (or you) or what we have to say, whether it is in person or online, I have since realized that the way I conveyed this message and the words I used may have seemed insensitive and {unintentionally} hurtful to some of you.

I have just read a most compelling post by Meredith Fein Lichtenberg, which echoes the thoughts I was trying to convey in my post, but does so in a much more gentle and compassionate way.

In it she talks about mom to mom cyber-bullying and compares it to the It Gets Better Campaign by Dan Savage (whom I LOVE BTW!) and she states the following:

How can you teach your children not to be mean and hateful, but turn around and diss, name-call, or hatefully criticize mothers you don't even know online?

Don't do that!

Instead, strive to understand others' decisions and predicaments, even where you can't agree with them. It's okay to be angry, but even then, try to use balanced, thoughtful language.

Try to comport yourself as a model, even when you disagree. Try to be your most honorable self.

Stop snarking at each other.

Did I use balanced, thoughtful language in my post. No, I did not. I used myself as an example of how I do things, but did not give an example of the other side of the coin or state that both are valid choices. I should have done that.

Was I my most honorable self? To me honor means honesty, so in that sense, yes, I was honorable. I was being honest about MY feelings and MY thoughts on the subject at hand.

Was I snarky? Yes. I told everyone to "suck it up" and THAT was definitely snarky.

I read the comments on my post, the local "mommy community" twitter chatter and subsequent blog posts written and struggled to not engage and fuel the fire even more...

Ha! The irony of that struggle is not lost on me.

So here's the deal everyone.  I get it.

My choice of language may not have been the most productive.  Boiling it down to the basic premise of my post, I simply want us to be free to have our opinions, to own our choices and to stand by them in the face of judgement. Because unfortunately, yes, that judgement is going to come. How we respond to it, that is also a choice we must make.

I will very likely still stick my foot in my mouth write things here or on Twitter or on Facebook that not everyone will agree with and I just want to say thank you.

Thank you for taking the time to read MY blog and thank you for reminding me that we are all so much more than our parenting practices. And finally, a big thank you to April, for pointing out that all may not always be as it seems.

All the best,

Natasha~

P.S. Please visit the It Gets Better site and sign the pledge to end online and all bullying of gay teens everywhere. (And then substitute 'gay teens' for 'all moms' and then say it again).

Coming clean...

It has come to my attention that people may think that I only do things a certain way. That I am all natural, all attachment parent, all breastfeeding, all babywearing, ALL THE TIME. I am here to set the record straight.

First of all, my births were not strictly speaking all that 'natural'. I was induced for both with Cervidil. Once out of necessity and to save both of us, and the other because my OB was on call that day and I was SO DONE with being pregnant. Yup, that's right. I ASKED for it!

I chose to breastfeed both my kids. Doing so with my son was NOT an easy thing to do (my boobs were twice the size of the poor kid's head)! I also can't stand NOT doing something well and so I persevered. Through a preemie birth, use of a nipple shield, crying every night for three months (both of us) and worry every day and over every ounce that he gained or lost. I did it for him, and I did it for me too (I am crazy stubborn like that and just not a quitter!). The plan was to continue nursing for at least 6 months, but the funny and perhaps ironic thing about our eventual 3 year breastfeeding relationship (yes, even throughout my whole second pregnancy) is that it took that first 6 months to actually 'get it right'.

Breastfeeding my daughter was relatively easy. She was latched on within 45 minutes of her birth and has been a veritable breastfeeding star since then. My boobs on the other hand, not so much the stars. They decided to plug up, multiple times, and then get infections, multiple times. This shit hurts people. But again, I am NOT a quitter! I am also an egalitarian-type parent and was not about to give my daughter any less of a nursing relationship than I had given my son. So we pushed through and here we are today on the brink of her third birthday.

I try very hard every day to practice gentle discipline. Some days I am able to control MY feelings and reactions to my kids' misbehaving, some days I am not. And yes, (please don't all gasp at once) I have smacked my kids in the heat of the moment. Moments that I am not proud of, but moments that do exist. Moments that let me know that it is time to reset myself and that I am the one who desperately needs a time-out. Did I mention that I am re-reading my favourite discipline book again?

I buy organic and local as much as I can. I do so for a few reasons. I buy organic products (groceries specifically), because I believe there are real health consequences to the alternatives. That being said, some organic products are just beyond what I am willing and able to pay and so I will find the next best thing. I buy local because I am also a somewhat 'local' business and I know what it means to me when, even though there may be a cheaper option from a giant chain store somewhere, a customer decides to buy from me and sees the value in doing so. I want to support our local economy and the many extremely talented entrepreneurs that work and live right here in my own city, province and country.

I am a very lucky person. I have a partner who trained hard for a lot of years and works hard to provide for his family. We are able to exist very comfortably as a single income family and I am able to be the "stay-at-home" parent. This was not our initial intention. I loved my career and fully intended on returning to it after my maternity leave. I was a pharmaceutical sales representative with one of the biggest pharma companies in the world and I was the farthest thing from a Natural Urban Mama. Then I got pregnant (totally planned by the way) and then it got complicated...

...and then we had a baby. And with him all that we knew or thought we knew went out the door. We were bombarded with a whole new set of life lessons, instructions, and a sort-of paradigm shift in our thoughts about the world we live in and the world we were about to raise our child in. And all of these new thoughts left us with a very strong desire to make that world a better place.

I am not a parenting expert, I am a parent. Everything that I know I have learned on the job. I have made mistakes, I will very likely make many more. I have made selfless decisions as a parent and I have made selfish decisions too. I am a work in progress.

I read, I learn, I research and I advocate for the parenting practices that have been extremely beneficial to my family and those at I think provide the best start for all babies and families. My opinions are mine alone, and you are free to take what you can from them, leave what doesn't work for you and apply these to your own life as you see fit. My aim is to educate others and provide information and support for new moms and parents of all walks of life.

But know this. I own my own choices, my opinions, my mistakes and my triumphs. No one ever said this parenting gig was going to be easy, and as Yoda says...

"Do or do not, there is no try!"

Natasha~

 It's not only children who grow.  Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself.

~Joyce Maynard

I hear you....

I have a four and a half-year old who "doesn't love me". No wait..., no, now he wants me....no, needs me....

...no... yeah, he's pretty sure he doesn't love me anymore....

....and now he needs a hug.

The above is a fraction of a 'conversation' that is happening on a daily basis at our house right now. Interspersed within this 'conversation' are the ear-piercing screams and stomping of feet and crying and a myriad of other rather unpleasant behaviours. The boy's, not mine (I swear)!

And I know it shouldn't, that I should not let this get to me, that it is a 'phase', but I can't help it...

....it is breaking me down.

Today after the third incident of screaming and 'I don't love you'/'I need a hug' and I want to do everything MY way or else, etc.... I had to walk away and go and have a good cry myself.

And I just don't know what to do. I wonder every day where my sweet boy went and who this defiant, mood-swinging maniac is??

We try to talk to him, but when he gets worked up it is completely useless trying to communicate with him. He can't even hear himself, let alone what we are trying to say to him.

Our usual reward system is not working (he earns points for good and loses points for bad behaviours, and once his points have accumulated to a certain level he gets the reward of his choice). He has lost ALL his points this weekend!

We talk to him after the fact and once everyone has calmed down and he seems to understand what went wrong and that his behaviour is unacceptable. We offer him alternative ways to express himself at the times when he is getting worked up and angry and he says he will try harder.

This past week I had my Reiki practitioner come over and do a session with him before I had mine (I am seriously willing to try anything at this point).

C was very excited for the session and was so calm while Kim worked her energy flowing and balancing magic on him. One of the main things that came up during his session was that Little C seems to be having feelings of 'not being heard' lately and mainly by me.

And as much as it pains me to admit it (on a lot of levels), the kid is not wrong...

I have been extra busy with a lot of other things lately. Work, volunteer work, more volunteer work, and then more work have been dominating my mind and my days for the past few weeks. There has been no time for proper scheduling of work hours versus play hours because it all just has to get done and as a result our play hours have suffered.

And so, it seems, have my children.

I fully admit that the TV has been on too much, I have asked them to go play by themselves too much and my mind is always on a billion things at once and my phone or laptop never leaves my side. Little C has said to me on more than one occasion..."Mom, turn off your computer and come and play with us." and he has even modified it to, 'Mom, come play in my room...you can even bring your computer with you." And I have said, "just one more email, or "just one more phone call", more times than I want to admit.

(heart breaks and sinks to stomach. BIG sigh.) 

So what is a Mama to do?

Something has to give. And soon. Because it can NOT be my kids anymore. We are all suffering because of this now and I don't want to continue like this.

I think I also need to re-read a few of my go-to books again:

Playful Parenting to get my head and myself back into the games (and off the computer all the time)!!

and Discipline without Distress to help us all find better solutions and ways to deal with attitude, anger and frustrations.

In the end, no amount of work, or anything else for that matter is ever going to be as important to me as my child. And perhaps {publicly} admitting that I am not doing such a great job at this Mommy gig at the moment is what I need to get me back on track.

Well that and I visual reminder too...

...one of the very cute reasons why I get up in the morning...

Natasha~

The GASP heard across the world...(or at least the living room).

There is not much in this world that can physically shock or rattle my husband. He is a physician and has done his fair share of rotations in emergency rooms and ICUs and has seen a lot of bad sh...um, stuff. So the other night when from the other room I heard a HUGE GASP and subsequent Oh MY GAWD! I was somewhat shocked and ran into the living room. Seems as he was perusing his usual before bed news websites, he came across this.

Cue, HUGE GASP number two from me!!

No, your eyes are not deceiving you. This is a picture of 4-year-old Maddy Jackson on the TLC show Toddlers & Tiaras in a Dolly Parton costume. Complete with 'C-cup' padded boobs and a padded butt to boot! The clip above of her mother explaining the 'costume' is even more disturbing and uh, yeah, her "enhancements" are hysterical - NOT!!

This story has been the lead headline all week all around the world. Some people have said that this kind of behaviour, outside of being just plain wrong, is criminal. Is it? I don't know. What I do know is that this type of pageant lifestyle and the big hair, big make-up, half-shirts, high heels and "look at me I am so pretty, please give me the big-ass crown and the $500.00 cash to fan out for the cameras" teaches our baby girls one thing and one thing only.

YOU ARE ONLY HERE AND ONLY VALUED FOR YOUR LOOKS AND YOUR FAKE SMILE!

Good Gawd people! Are we really no further along in our views of girls and women and the females of our species that THIS is what we teach our young?

Now yes, I realize that this pageant crowd is a small percentage of the world and to each their own, and yadda-yadda-yadda...but, these people have a television show and an international viewing audience and it is ALL over the interwebs. This story has been picked up by news sites in the UK, in Africa and in India too.

Pageant mothers will defend their decisions to put their children into pageants because it teaches them poise and gives them confidence. Others are quoted as saying ""She learns skills such as going out in a crowd, not to be shy, and to be herself while people are watching and focusing on her." (1)

And even other moms are more blunt and will just tell you, "My daughter looks like Barbie. I tell her to exploit it. This is your life; you take what you have and run with it." (1)

BEING herself? She looks like BARBIE? Since when do hair extensions, fake eyelashes, a pound of make-up and a fake spray-on tan, not to mention the fake teeth (because God forbid one happened to fall out right before a competition), constitute being oneself?  I'll say it again, all of these things teach our girls just one thing...

Being yourself is NOT good enough.

It is a line that is pushed and then crossed over and over and over in the pageant world, but even in everyday life with our children, is one that we need to be aware of and ready to address at any moment. Our little people are inundated with media and fashion images and insidious marketing messages daily and we need to be there to help them interpret these and understand what is being said or portrayed.

Take my daughter for example. She is a month away from her third birthday and as of late has taken a keen interest in my morning make-up routine. She insists on putting on 'her' make-up too and emulating what I am doing (this mostly involves taking one of my brushes and doing whatever I am doing, sans the actual make-up). And even though she has not directly asked me any questions about 'why' I wear make-up, she does ask what the products I am using are for. "What's this one for Mommy?", "That one is for your cheeks." "What's this one for Mommy?", "That one is for your eyes." I tell her what I am doing, but nowhere in the conversation do I say anything along the lines of the make-up 'making me beautiful". My daughter, and my son for that matter too, are learning from my husband and I that true beauty comes from within. Your heart, your mind, your soul-these are the things that make someone beautiful. Make-up and even clothes are only things that can help you feel beautiful. And even then, truly feeling beautiful still has to come from the inside and shine outwards.

Why is it so hard for these pageant parents and the judges and organizers for that matter, to set new guidelines for kids in pageants? Why can we not celebrate individuality, their true personalities, their authentic, unadorned little selves? Are we so far gone that we can not even see true beauty in our own children anymore? Bare mid-rifs, botox and now boobs and butts....I for one am afraid to ask what's next!

And....uhm...helloooo....did any one of these people ever actually SEE 'Little Miss Sunshine'?

Frustrated and flabbergasted (and not really digging TLC these days),

Natasha~

1. The whys and woes of beauty pageants. William J. Comrie. Harvard University Gazette.

2. Toddlers and children beauty pageants – Risk factors for severe psychological turmoils. Dr. Lucia Gosaru. Psychology Corner.

The Chart Versus the Child

My son was 3 lbs, 13 oz at birth. He was born at 35 weeks gestation. He was the average size of a 30 week old pre-term baby because I had a lovely trifecta of pregnancy complications: a very poor functioning placenta, pre-eclampsia and subsequent intrauterine growth restriction (IUGR). In terms of Infant Growth Charts and Percentiles, our teeny little guy did not even register on a chart, let alone fall within anything resembling a "normal" growth percentile.

AND HE NEVER HAS!

To this day, at 4 years, 9 months old, and 33 pounds, he is still below the 5th percentile on any growth chart. He has always had his very own growth curve that hovers somewhere near the 3rd percentile.

In those early weeks and months of his life I stressed A LOT about his growth. I was at the public health unit weekly, having him weighed and measured and plotted on the very bottom of those very stress-inducing, mother- fuc...frightening charts.

He was an exclusively breastfed kid and for the most part, I lucked out with the nurses and doctors that I had contact with. Not once was I told that I should be supplementing him with formula, although I was told on more than one occasion to nurse him and then give him some pumped breastmilk to "top him up". Sometimes I did, most times I did not.

"Hey, who you calling teeny?"

And not only was he a teeny, tiny preemie, he is also the kid of an 5'9" Asian man and a 5' 3" Caucasian woman. His paternal grandmother is barely 5' tall and he has the metabolism of a Eurasion Pygmy Shrew. Genetically, he was never destined to be a really big guy or gain a huge amount of 'baby fat'!! And this is kind of my point here.

What all mamas (and daddies too) need to realize is that generally, your new baby check-ups at the Public Health Unit are done with a check list in hand.

Weigh baby -Check

Measure baby's length and head circumference - Check

Plot on Standard Infant Growth Charts - Check

Discuss baby's feeding/nutrition (whether breastfeeding or formula feeding) - Check

• Offer up suggestions/advice if , according to above chart, baby is NOT gaining weight properly.

Get Mama to fill out or answer post-partum depression questionnaire - Check

Discuss vaccinations required and give said vaccines - Check

• FYI - You have the right to ask for any kind of vaccine schedule you want for your child, whether that choice is none at all, or as we did, a delayed one (max 1-2 at a time).

Hand you pamphlet with age appropriate Baby Milestones - Check

Now, I am not knocking the public health nurses. They see A LOT of mamas and babies and have a lot to do in the short time they have with them. What I am saying is that these health care practitioners, and a lot of doctors too, need to look beyond the numbers on the charts and the checklists and really SEE their patients and the parents and babies before them.

Dr. Jay Gordon wrote an excellent post about this last year that sums up the issue of looking at the charts versus looking at the baby. You can read the full article here. In it he makes the point that,

"...if someone were to ask you what weight a 33-year-old man should be, you would laugh. The range of possibilities varies according to height, bone structure, ethnicity and many other factors. Yet babies are expected to fit onto charts distributed throughout the country with no regard to genetics, feeding choice or almost anything else."

I personally think that as new moms, the more charts and spreadsheets and schedules and logs that you have for your baby, the more exponentially you will drive yourself batty! While yes, it is important to track a few things in the beginning to ensure everything is trucking along nicely (I am mainly talking pees and poops here), for the most part, if we follow our instincts, listen to our babies and respond to their cues and needs (feed me, hold me, change me, love me), then they will be just fine. And if for some reason they are not, then trust me (and trust yourself), your Mama Bear instincts will kick in and you will seek and get the help that is needed.

People come in all different shapes and sizes and colors. And babies, well, they are people too (the best kind really)! Trying to fit them all onto a nice perfect curve is simply NOT going to work. And maybe, just maybe, this kind of 'chart versus child' outlook marks the beginning of our crazy North American obsession and misconception of what the ideal body should look like.

Like Dr. Gordon says, "Look at the Baby, not the scale."

Good advice for everyone really, baby or not!

Natasha~

(This post was inspired by a lovely mama that I met today at Cafe O'Play, who has the cutest and teeniest and completely healthy and beautiful 10 month old baby girl! Thank you.) 

Still {and always} my baby...

Tonight while I was out for dinner with a few friends, I received this text from Natural Urban Dad.

So I called and Little C and I talked and I promised I would give him his goodnight cuddles as soon as I got home.

When I got home, I went straight to his room as I promised. I walked in and saw him sleeping on his big boy bed, looking so sweet and beautiful and peaceful and I was reminded of another moment in our lives together.

This one when he was a mere 5 days old.

He still looks like this when he sleeps.

I wish I could freeze these moments in time, our special nightly cuddles and talks.  I would put them in a jar and take them out one by one later in his life when he is older and doesn't want them (or me) as much as he does now.

Sometimes I bitch and complain about my kids and how attached they are to me. And then I realize that, umm, DUH, I raised them to be this way, and I should take all the attachment that I can, while I can. I know it won't last forever. And one day, he will be the one out with his friends and it will be me sitting up in bed at night saying over and over,

"Please, my baby, please come home soon...."

Schedule, Schmedule!!

I am in full on panic mode.

In three weeks time, BOTH of my babies will be in playschool!

Last year when I was thinking about this it seemed like a no brainer. Lil' C would be in the 4 year old program at our amazing playschool and Princess L would go into the 3 year old program. And I would have 2 mornings a week all to myself!!

Heaven right!?

I am not so sure anymore.

As I sit here and work on what our schedule looks like for the coming school year and figure out how to fit all of our other activities and appointments in to it as well, I am slowly realizing that this may not be the nirvana that I had envisioned.

I try very hard not to over-schedule our lives. I don't believe in having the kids in so many activities that they don't have time to just PLAY and be with me, with Natural Urban Dad and with each other.

But it is getting harder and harder to do this. Lil' C is a very active 4 and a half year old and he NEEDS more physical activity than I can realistically give him. He is starting Gymnastics in a few weeks and will likely continuing with his awesome Hip Hop class (he is kind of a natural).

Princess L is the musical one amongst us (she makes up little songs all the time, mostly to the tune of 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star) and totally thrives in this kind of environment. So more music classes for her and likely gymnastics too since we will be at the gym already for her brother's class.

And then there is swimming, and Sportball and art classes and martial arts and...and... and....

...and it is enough to drive a Mama batty!

And I have not even tried to fit in the things that I want and need to do for me yet! I have a feeling that I will be living and breathing solely based on whatever iPhone App I decide is the best one to use for scheduling our lives (I am SO open to your suggestions please)!

So, if you will excuse me, I have to get back to figuring out this schedule and see if I can at least fit in a shower for me a couple of times a week!!

Natasha~

How are you managing your 'back to school' and back to activities scheduling? Please Share!! 

~~~~~~~~~~

Summer Blog Challenge posts for August 23, 2011

• Peter beats his chest: Crazy Wookie Cookies
• Shaun : Expedition of Truths
• Earl declutters and takes a deep breath: My Name is Earl (J. Woods)
• Zita is a unique snowflake: Ignite Strategic Solutions
• Brad rants about game publishers: Kick Me Out Soon
• Natasha’s head is spinning with schedules: Natural Urban Mamas
• Kim as ringmaster: Nature Baby Bloggings
• Cliff has a REALLY BIG graphics card: Peer Pressure Works
• 6 ways to piss Tammy off: Tam I Am
• Vlad : Analog Coast
• Chad didn’t notice the passage of time until it impacted D&D: The Daily Grind
• Liam looks at two series: In The Now

Mom Nation: Real Stories for Moms Everywhere

Some of you may not know this, but I also write for a great Canadian online publication called Mom Nation!

I encourage you to check it out and get the real scoop from REAL moms (and a dad too), with REAL stories! The women and men who are sharing their stories here are truly inspirational, often quite funny and always authentic!

You can check out my latest Mom Nation post HERE.

Happy Monday Everyone,

Natasha~