motherhood, parenting Natasha Chiam motherhood, parenting Natasha Chiam

30 Days of Truth - Day Three: Something I have to forgive myself for.

I have been pondering this post for a few days now and writing it and re-writing it in my head.  You are probably wondering, why?  What is so hard about this one, well trust me-these are all kind of hard... The truth is HARD.  Hard to admit and often times very hard to face.

Here is some background that you are going to need.  My almost 4 year old son and I are having 'issues'.  I am sure it is all related to the fact that, a) He is 4 years old and stubborn and bossy and, b) I am 38 years old and stubborn and bossy.  Ah, yes, it is very apparent at times like this that he is indeed my son.  He does not like being told what to do, even if the very thing he is being told to do is exactly what he NEEDS to do at that moment (think pee, eat, sleep).

Then you add me and my flaws and well, it can get messy.  I am not a patient person.  I like things done when I ask and that is that.  Repeating myself over and over and over and over and over and over and.....(are you getting the picture?), well that just drives me completely insane.

So along comes Monday morning this week and wow, it was a doozie!  First, he did not want to get out of bed, then it was a fight to get him to go pee and then IT happened.  Somehow he has it in his head that if he does not touch the toilet while he is peeing, then he does not need to wash his hands.  This is NOT the rule in our house. The rule is, you go to the bathroom, you wash your hands-END OF STORY!!  Always has been and always will.

He refused to wash his hands, I insisted, he refused, I reiterated the RULE, he refused again and again and again.  At which point I LOST IT!!  There I was repeating myself over and over, like some modern version of Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest, "Wash your hands, wash your hands, wash your hands, WASH YOUR HANDS!!!"

....and then I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and lost it on a whole other level.  What I saw in that mirror was not pretty.  I saw this ugly, red-faced, crazy woman SCREAMING at her child, who was cringing and afraid (and I don't blame him, because I scared myself too.)  I immediately left the room, went and sat down and proceeded to bawl my freakin' eyes out.

I kept thinking in my head, what am I doing?  What kind of image and message is this sending to my kid?  Am I scarring him forever?  What is MY problem?  Why can't I figure out a better way to communicate with him? And so I cried, I gave in, I just let those rough waves of motherhood wash over me, pull me under and make me feel like giving up.  My husband came in to check on me at that point and I said the words, "I can't do this anymore."  I am not sure exactly what I meant, but I was DONE at that very moment.  No more mama juice, out of gas, next station 225 miles from here!!

But of course that can't happen. So I picked myself up, revved my mama engine on the fumes that I had left and headed out to have breakfast with everyone.  By this point I was all nice and puffy-eyed and sniffling from all the sobbing and not one to let anything slip, DS looks at me, big eyes and a big smile on his face and says:

"Mommy, are you crying?  Why are you crying?"

LIKE THE LAST 15 MINUTES DID NOT JUST HAPPEN!!

Seriously, he was genuinely oblivious as to why I was upset and was obviously not in the least way suffering any ill effects from my psychotic outburst.

The problem I am having is that I am suffering.   I remember what I looked like while I was screaming at my child.  I saw the fear in his face (even for a few milliseconds) and made him cry.  And I don't want to be that mom.  The one who can't control her anger, who doesn't recognize when she needs a time out and not the other way around and so I really feel that I have to figure out a way to forgive myself for this incident.  It is an easy thing to say and a very hard thing to do.  No one sets out to mess up their kids, but in the end we all have some kind of mommy issues right?

Ack!!

Alright.  I, Natasha, forgive myself for losing it on my kid and scaring the pants off of both of us!  I can't promise it won't happen again, but I do promise to do better, to know my limits, recognize his limits, take my time-outs and realize that he is only 4 years old and not out to intentionally drive me crazy (at least not yet)!

And after a tough day like that, the best thing I can think of to help is some closeness and babywearing-no matter how old said 'baby' is!!

Natasha~

Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.  ~Mark Twain
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Our week de-railed by a nasty bug....

I am so sorry everyone, I was all set to get the 30 Days of Truth going this week and then, and I swear to God, not 20 minutes before I was about to write my first post, it hit me. THE FLU.  And not the ache-y, runny nose kind, the chills-fevers-can't stay too far away from the bathroom-have a bucket with me at all times kind!! This was Monday night and I did not sleep at all.  Tuesday I begged my sis to come and watch the kids so I could get a few hours sleep and good, God how I love that woman, she did!  And I washed my hands like crazy, disinfected everything and prayed that the kids would not get it.  Well, seems the messages did not get through, because Wednesday night was a rip-roaring puke-fest at our house.  I was washing someone's sheets at least every hour and a half and by the end of the night we were all sleeping on layers of towels.

This is the first time L has vomited since she was a baby and she was NOT happy about it and also not very good at keeping it in her puke bucket.  C was not a whole lot better, as it has been close to two years since he has vomited too.  (Of course, I attribute their relative healthiness to the extended breastfeeding, but this one broke through all of our defenses!)

So this is what our house looked like on Thursday.  Pathetic Baby #1 and Pathetic Baby #2.  Not pictured is Pathetic Mama (trust me, it was BAD).

We are all on the mend now.  Every sheet and towel and surface has been thoroughly disinfected and we are ready to face the world again this week.  And that being said, I promise that on Monday, November 15th, I will start my 30 Days of Truth!

Thanks for reading everyone, and make sure you get your entries in for our contest and giveaway.  You can find all the details here.  Up for grabs are a local Edmonton photo shoot with our friends at Timeless Edge Photography and a gurumama Ring Sling and a Gift Certificate from Natural Urban Mamas.

Here's to your health, and ours too!!

Natasha~

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motherhood, parenting Natasha Chiam motherhood, parenting Natasha Chiam

I am not the mama I want to be today....

We all have those day right?  (PLEASE tell me I'm right).  Those days when everything that can go wrong just does and no matter how many times you count to ten, your patience is run out.  I have had a few of those days lately, not something I am proud of, but you know what, something I am strong enough to admit. Fall is one of those seasons that I have a love/hate relationship with.

I LOVE the changing leaves, the crispness in the air and the colors that go with Fall (I am a green, brown, orange kind of gal).  But I HATE the shorter days, and less and less sun.  And if you have been in Alberta this summer, we have not had a whole lot of sun to begin with!  I think I might suffer from a touch of seasonal affective disorder and every late September and October I feel like LIFE in general sometimes gets the best of me.

So, yeah, I've been yelling at my kids more than I want to, swearing more than I usually do and just generally not being the mama that I want to be or know that I am.  It becomes even more important during these times for me to make sure that I am taking time for me, and doing all that I can to ensure that I don't let myself get overwhelmed with being a mom, a wife, a business owner, a chef, a chauffeur, a laundress, etc......

I must remember to breath, to know when Mama needs a time out (which is often the case) and know that a bad day is just that, one DAY and tomorrow is another day and hopefully a much better one at that.

How about you Mamas, how do you handle your less than stellar days as a parent?  Really, any tips will be greatly appreciated and likely put to the test!

Just Breathe, Natasha~

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breastfeeding, kids, motherhood, parenting Natasha Chiam breastfeeding, kids, motherhood, parenting Natasha Chiam

Nighttime Parenting and Nursing: I really just want to sleep!

Welcome to The Breastfeeding Cafe Carnival! This post was written as part of The Breastfeeding Cafe's Carnival. For more info on the Breastfeeding Cafe, go to www.breastfeedingcafe.wordpress.com. For more info on the Carnival or if you want to participate, contact Claire at clindstrom2 {at} gmail {dot} com. Today's post is about nighttime parenting and nursing. Please read the other blogs in today's carnival listed below and check back for more posts July 18th through the 31st!

I have not had 8 hours of sleep in a row for FOUR years.  I am not lying.  I probably wouldn't know what to do with myself with that much sleep! For us, and on some nights, nighttime parenting has been just as busy as daytime parenting-at least from a nursing perspective.

We are kind of a part-time co-sleeping family.  We co-slept with our son until he was about 4 months old, had a month of bliss when he was actually sleeping for 6 hour stretches in his own bed and then it all went to pot again and he has refused to sleep by himself ever since. (A reminder to you all--he is 3.5 years old)  I nursed him to sleep from the beginning and according to all the 'books'  that was my first mistake.  I also kept nursing him throughout the night well into his second year, much to the dismay of people who kept telling me he really didn't 'need' to nurse at night anymore.  My husband and I switched roles at times so that he could take over all night-time parenting, and we would try to night-wean our son. This would work for a few days or weeks, but then something would always bring us back to nursing and sleeping with him.  I read book after book on how to get my child to sleep (well, everything short of Ferber that is--I refused to do any form of Cry It Out strategies).  I probably gave up on all the different strategies too soon, but damn it I really just wanted to SLEEP!  And so to make everyone happy, I would nurse him and we would all go back to sleep.

He is still not a great sleeper.  He gets scared in his room all by himself and wants one of us to come and sleep with him.  And we do it, and I will tell you why.

He is THREE years old!  He is our child and he needs us-to comfort him, to feel safe and to snuggle.  I am not so naive to think that these feelings and needs are going to last forever (I can just picture the DO NOT ENTER sign on his teenage bedroom door in the future) and neither my husband nor I want to look back on these years and say, 'Man, I wish I had just been with him more when he needed me."

My daughter is now 22 months old and is a better sleeper. We did not technically co-sleep with her IN our bed, but rather beside it in her bassinet.  I did learn to let her self soothe a bit more than I did with my son and it shows.  She can be put down in her bed awake and will fall into a nice slumber all on her own.  But...she is still up at least once or twice a night.  She calls for me in the dark and I can't deny her that extra hug, that few seconds on the breast that lets her know that I am only a few steps away.  I know that nursing her at night has no real nutritional value for her, but I nurse my kids for a whole lot more than just nutrition. I nurse them to comfort them, to nurture them, to soothe them and to help them sleep.  And you know what, I'm OK with that.

I am not having any more kids.  These two little humans are my only babies and I will keep them close to me for as long as possible, nurse them as long as they need to and do it NIGHT and day if need be.  That is all folks.

Sleep well ;) Natasha~

P.S.  I did NOT sleep well last night and neither did DS-up grand total of 5 times--it is not always what I want, but life is what it is.  Time for COFFEE!!

Here are more posts by the Breastfeeding Cafe Carnival participants! Check back because more will be added throughout the day.

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family, healthful living, parenting Natasha Chiam family, healthful living, parenting Natasha Chiam

Happy New Year Everyone!

So, it's a new year, a new decade and yes, I am a year older (my birthday is January 1st).  I am not sure how I feel yet about being two years away from 40, but so far it is OK.  I mean, really, isn't 40 the new 20??  Or is that just in Hollywood? I have not made resolutions this year. I would call them more like life commitments.  I started doing Bikram (hot) yoga a few months ago and have fallen madly, deeply in love with it!  I have rheumatoid arthritis and had always assumed that I could not do yoga because of my joint limitations.  Well, thanks to a friend who dragged me to a class, I am a complete convert.  And the heat (it's between 95-105 degrees Farenheit) and 50% humidity just help to loosen up all my joints.  I wish I had started doing this years ago!

Life commitment #1 - Bikram Yoga at least 2 and hopefully 3 times a week.

Now onto number 2.  And this one involves baby #2 as well.  I am sure a lot of you feel like this, that baby #2 just does not get the same level of well, pretty much everything that baby #1 did.  I have been feeling like this lately with DD.  With my son, I did so many mommy and me activities his first 2 years and he had quite a few friends all the same age as him. With my daughter, I feel like she is not getting the same level of exposure to these kinds of activities or to kids that are her age, and so I am going to change that.  We started our library 'Fun for Ones' program today and we start swimming lessons for both kids in February.  Our local community league also has a Tot time weekly and we are going to start attending this to--hopefully we can all make some new friends!

Life Commitment #2 - Increase the amount of activities geared towards my daughter and find some new friends for both of us!

I am finding that as I am getting older, I don't want the next best thing as much as I used to.  I want to simplify my life, reduce my eco-footprint as much as I can and just find joy and peace in the simple things.  I find that I am purging drawers, closets, storage rooms, toys, etc... constantly these days.  We really just have too much 'stuff', which I am sure is the case for a lot of people.  And in doing all of this, I hope to teach my kids a lesson about giving as well.  Most of what is purged in our house goes to Goodwill or our local women's shelter.

Life Commitment #3 - Reduce the amount of excess 'stuff' in our house and our lives, re-use what we can and/or give to someone else to re-use and rejoice in the simple joys that everyday can bring.

I am sure that I will continue to add to this list, but I think it is a good start so far.  I hope that everyone else has a chance to make their own life commitments and that each and every day is a good one (even for a few minutes)!

Cheers all, Natasha~

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