Chasing (choosing) the sun.
It's amazing what spring does to ones soul. With the snow (finally) melting away, the sun shining longer throughout the days and the birds singing louder on the newly budding trees, life all of a sudden just seems more hopeful. That is how I am feeling today.
But first, let me tell you how I got there.
Today I learned something new. It's a phenomenon called negativity bias, and we all have it. Since the beginning of humans actually. In a nutshell, negativity bias is "the psychological phenomenon by which humans have a greater recall of unpleasant memories compared with positive memories. People are much more biased to the avoidance of negative experiences and they tend to behave in ways that will help them avoid these events. With this, humans are much more likely to recall and therefore be influenced by the negative experiences of the past."
One of my family's favourite animated movies of the past year was The Croods and that family's mantra is a perfect illustration of negativity bias at work.
The main character, Eep, starts the movie narrating and sets the stage:
"My name is Eep. And this is my family, the Croods. If you weren't clued in already by the animal skins and sloping foreheads, we're cavemen. Most days we spend in our cave, in the dark. Night after night, day after day. Yep, home sweet home. When we did go out, we struggled to find food in a harsh and hostile world. And I struggled to survive my family. We were the last ones around. There used to be neighbors. Uh, the Gorts, smashed by a mammoth. The Horks, swallowed by a sand snake. The Erfs, mosquito bite. Throgs, common cold. And the Croods, that's us. The Croods made it, because of my dad. He was strong, and he followed the rules. The ones painted on the cave walls. Anything new is bad. Curiosity is bad. Going out at night is bad. Basically, anything fun is bad. Welcome to my world!"
Or very simply, as Thug, the dad, puts it, "Never NOT be afraid."
The problem with negativity bias and this kind of thinking is that the part of our brain that still tends to behave like that of a caveman (the amygdala or "primitive" brain) is wired to go negative and store all of that information for easy access. All our childhood (and adulthood) experiences, both experienced and seen are in there and as a result our brains are programmed to overestimate threats and underestimate opportunities and resources. This all served us very well, way back when food was scarce and the risk of getting eaten by a tiger or smashed by a mammoth were imminent. Nowadays though, this kind of thinking gets us into more trouble than we think. We are a world filled with anxiety, fear and unease. We are constantly being fed a steady diet of negativity, through the news, social media, TV shows and movies. It has gotten to the point that the positive things that happen in our daily lives can seem too small and insignificant when compared to all the terrible/awful/really bad things happening in our big world.
What's even worse than the negativity bias that makes us anxious and afraid of our big world is the smaller, and perhaps even more insidious negativity bias that affects us in our own minds. Some of you know this phenomenon as the bitch in the corner, others know it as the lizard brain, and some call it the little hater. It's that voice in our head that tells us we are not _______ enough. That voice that keeps us from doing or being our wholehearted selves, because of the fear, the doubt and the insecurity that it brings with it.
~~~~~
I started part two of the Brene Brown "Gifts of Imperfection" course this past week and ALL of the homework was centred around creativity and embracing ourselves as creative beings. We even had to print that on a piece of paper and place it where we can see it (and say it) everyday.
See...
And then we had to start to heal our creative wounds. The ones that we heard as kids, the ones that we inflict upon ourselves via our little haters or the ones that we internalize from the world and society around us.
I had some wounds left over from my childhood that I didn't realize still hurt ("You just don't have a dancer's body") and then there are the ones that I hear daily either from myself or that I perceive from others ("You are not the creative/play parent" and the ever present "You are not a writer, you are just a blogger.") Putting the bandages on those wounds seemed silly at first, but choosing the words to heal them was the real medicine.
And that is what it all comes down to in the end.
A choice.
Do I choose to believe the words that wound or the ones that heal? Do I choose to listen to the little haters in my mind or tell them to shut the hell up? Do I choose to live in fear, always with a certain threat level activated or do I choose to push past the fear and negativity and see the positive, no matter how small?
In The Croods, Eep and her family had to change the rules, they had to abandon their fears, reach for the sun and follow it until tomorrow. They had to evolve past the negativity bias in their brains and choose not only to live, but to live with intention. And if animated cavemen can do it, I think I can manage it too.
And that is why I am feeling hopeful today.
Because...
Every Moment is a Choice.
Retreat to the dark cave or reach for the sun?
N~
Operation Hermit
I saw this meme on Facebook the other day and thought about how perfect it was for how I am feeling lately.
I may not be hermiting (yes, I made it a verb) in the truest sense of the word, as I can't seem to stay away from the mall and/or Anthropologie when it is "Extra 25% off" day, but I am spending a lot of my time by myself, with myself and on myself. Or with my family or my dog.
Most people who meet me think that I am an extrovert. The life of the party, the loud, obnoxious one, the social butterfly. I am not going to lie, I love a room full of people. Conversations buzzing, laughter erupting, everyone connecting and sharing and coming together. That kind of energy is wonderful and contagious and I get caught up in it and I usually come down with an acute case of extrovertedness at these times. Promises of "we should do this more often" are made and "let's go for coffee" is said more times than I can count. And then I go home, take some Advil, have a good rest and after a few days of social media love bombs back and forth to everyone, am fully recovered from said attack. I return to my hermit cave (real or virtual) and retreat into myself and my little life and I feel safe. I feel unencumbered, happy to just be folding laundry or reading a book or playing Candy Crush, or doing all the mundane little things that make up my daily life.
My first assignment for the Year or Writing course that I am taking was to write down 20 ideas. It's harder than it sounds, trust me! One of my ideas for an essay or post or poem or something, was this statement:
Alone is freeing.
Maybe it is because I am a mom and being truly alone is often times a luxury. Maybe it is because I come from a family of four kids and I didn't grow up knowing a lot of alone time. And maybe alone is a way to not have to deal with a lot of the often nasty, mean, and bewildering world around me. Whatever the reason, I find being alone, with my thoughts, or with no thoughts, a very peaceful, soul {re}filling, calming way to be. When I am alone, I feel free. Free to figure out what going on in my head and in my heart and free of all the things in life that sometimes weigh me down.
My favourite moment in my days right now is right after I drop the kids off at school. I then head to the dog park with Willow and at that time of day, we are often the first ones there. It is an especially peaceful place right now, in the middle of winter; white and grey, somewhat bleak, not a soul in sight and all I hear is the crunching of my boots on the trail, the running of four legs zipping by me at top speed, and the intermittent knock-knock-knocking of the local woodpecker trying to find his breakfast. I find myself breathing deeper, walking taller and appreciating this space and time away from everything and everyone more and more every day. I like to think of it as my daily moment of meditation. Me, Mother Nature and my puppy, all together in that moment and yet all alone.
It's not that I don't want to see my friends or be around people. Quite the opposite really, I love being around people. I just like being around people and pretending that I am doing so enclosed in some kind of bubble. I can see and hear everyone around me, but I don't necessarily have to interact with anyone. I can immerse myself in my book or my laptop or in eavesdropping on strangers conversations, while still feeling like I am part of the world. I do this bubble thing a lot. I think it is probably a bit of a coping mechanism. I can truly enjoy a trip to a busy mall or to Costco or the grocery store with two kids in tow, because I enclose all of us in the bubble and continue on like no one else is around and we have the place all to ourselves. I liken this bubble strategy to that scene in a movie when a couple falls in love or has a big dance/kissing scene and everything and everyone else just fades away and the music swells and nothing else matters. If you ever see me out and about and I am in "the bubble", I probably won't see you until you come up really close and actually pop it. I will then be a bit disoriented and likely forget your name and say something particularly stupid and incoherent and then walk away from you while you try to figure out why I am being such a bitch? It's not you, I promise, it's just me readjusting to the sudden shift in air pressure outside of my hermit-bubble. It takes a few minutes... Expect a text later with an apology for my flightiness.
Last week I had lunch with a friend that I haven't seen in a long time. It was nice. She is a really wonderful woman, someone I admire and a truly gifted artist. It's sometimes funny how life works. People come into your life when you need them the most and I didn't know it at the time, but I really needed to spend some time with this person. I feel like she gets me on a different level than my other (younger) friends. We talked about this "hermit-ness" that both of us sometimes do and decided that we needed to have a club for all of us "Closet Introverts". After lunch, as I thought about this a bit more, I realized the irony of this plan.
Here's the thing. I know who my friends are. I know that no one is sitting around saying, "Damn, that Natasha is sure being a bitch for not calling me or making an effort lately!". I know that if anyone IS thinking that, then they are likely not really my friend. My friends know that I need to be a hermit now and then in order to get my brain to work properly. My friends know that a true connection is not based on the amount of hours spent together. Like anything really meaningful in life, I firmly believe that friendship is a quality versus quantity thing.
So you know what Internet Meme, NO, I am NOT being a bad friend lately, I am being a really GOOD friend to myself. I am giving myself what I need to live a wholehearted life and what I need right now is to be a really AWESOME hermit! And I thank every one of my true friends for letting me do that and for never judging me for it.
In gratitude,
natasha~
P.S. (Update) Look what I found tonight! I do love that Audrey Hepburn gal.
To tweet or not to tweet: That is the question.
I have been active on Twitter for almost 4 years. I was @naturalurbanmom for most of that, @SAHFeminist for a bit and now you can find me @NatashaChiam. I have sent almost 28,000 tweets in that time, have just over 4000 followers and am following ~1900 folks myself. I use Twitter in a few different ways. It is a way for me to stay up to date with news and world events (I follow a few trusted news agencies), to know what's going on in circles that matter to me (feminism, parenting, #YEG), to share my writing and blog with a larger audience and to stay in contact with friends near and far.
I LIKE Twitter. A LOT. I like that it is a real-time social tool and I like a lot of the people I have "met" via this platform. And on Twitter, I am ME. Yes, it also says Stay@HomeFeminist on my profile, and I live that reality every day, online and off.
But like anything in our highly digital world these days, Twitter has an ugly side. Or rather, Twitter allows for the ugly side of humanity to manifest itself a little bit easier.
We see it time and time again. A beautiful woman of colour wins the Miss America pageant and BOOM! The VERY ugly side of Twitter erupts. A woman wants to talk about Tropes in video games/pop culture and her life is threatened. And you can find countless awful examples of sexism and racism all over social media. These days Twitter is the no-holds-barred medium of the troll, the bully, the poor-priveledged-me's and the NIMBY's of the world and you can actually fit quite a few mean and hateful words into 140 characters.
Twitter seems to also be the place for people to have "personas". There is a whole subculture of Twitter, the so-called 'Weird Twitter', where people have anonymous accounts to which they can post all kinds of wacky, often highly inappropriate for everyday conversation things and they get to be all, well... weird. I am not knocking it, I just really don't get it.
And then there are the people who are "really nice IRL (in real life) or offline, but assholes online." To be perfectly honest, these are the ones that I have a hard time wrapping my brain around and the ones that piss me off the most. These are the subtweeters, the "I am not saying anything directly to you, or about you, but I'll just tweet MY OPINION about this topic and you can't get offended because it is only my opinion and it's not my fault if you don't like it." These online assholes are the subtle or not so subtle mockers of the internet. The ones that for some reason actually believe that their ONLINE personas do not represent the 'real' them and because of this and to keep up the act, think that it is totally acceptable for them to be assholes online.
The problem as I see it is this. An asshole is an asshole is an asshole. Whether you are online or off, 140 characters or 1200 words or face-to-face. And you can replace asshole with bully, or someone who plays the victim all the time, or any number of folks who insist on maintaining that their online 'personas' are separate from the real them.
This clip from Louis CK on Conan has been making the rounds this week and I am going to post it again. And while he is talking about why cell phones (and by extension what kids are doing on said cell phones) are toxic for our children, I think that too much of anything is toxic for ANYONE and that too much social media puts us all at risk of losing some of our empathy and turning into the "stupid kids".
[youtube]http://youtu.be/5HbYScltf1c[/youtube]
The validation that people get with a RT or an LMAO or a 'LIKE' is NOT real. The mean words that people write on any social media platform are and can have profound effects on others and for the most part, there are no real world consequences for them. Often these exchanges get chalked up to, "You misinterpreted my TONE' , and/or the apology of the bully, 'I'm sorry you felt bad and misunderstood my words, but that is on you, not me'. Yeah, online or IRL, that shit doesn't fly with me (and for me that kind of behaviour online often results in an unfollow and/or block).
Like she was reading my mind today, Glennon at The Momastery wrote about the dangers of social media (and cereal). She took a 40 day hiatus from social media and learned some life lessons that I definitely needed reminding of today.
And I'd go one step further and say that social media is also a breeding ground for those that like to bulldoze over others in the name of "having an opinion" and for people to let their inner asshole out to play with little to no regard for others or the consequences of their 140 characters.
It's enough to make a girl want to go on an internet fast of her own.
Which is what I just might do.
Maybe.
Starting in about 10 days.
You know, after I get back from that, ahem... social media/blogging conference thing.
{I know, I know, I have a problem.}
Signing off
{for today},
natasha~
Faking it on the playground catwalk!
I have gotten a few comments lately from some of the mamas at the kids school that I always look so put together in the mornings. First off, I'd like to point out that most of these lovely ladies probably haven't had their first coffee yet and therefore they may be slightly groggy and not seeing things straight. And second.... HA! I've fooled them all. Now, I am not a fashion/style blogger by any stretch of the imagination, but man I do love all those pretty, pretty websites. One look at A Beautiful Mess or Adventures in Fashion and I am lost in post after post after post of beautiful photography and happy pictures and gorgeous outfits and I end up pinning and bookmarking for hours!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Oh HI... SEE! I was a total goner for a bit there.
What was I saying again? Oh yeah...
If there is anything I have learned in all my years dressing myself (remember, I am really OLD), from the ladies of the style blogs and originally from my grandmother, is that one's style does not have to be complicated. And as most of us are moms and busy parents getting our little ones dressed and out the door in the mornings too, I thought I would share a few of my own simple style tips and share my "oh-so-put-together-look" secr.... hahahaha!! Oh, man, I can't even say it without laughing!
But if you really want to know, here's how I do it....
1. One word. Accessorize! I have always been an accessory gal and I have embraced my jewelry drawer (yes, I have a FULL drawer) once again with a zest that makes my husband VERY nervous whenever a new Stella & Dot catalogue comes out! Earrings, necklaces, bracelets, it's all coming out these days! Don't be afraid to jazz up the jeans and t-shirt practical mom uniform with a big chunky necklace or a long chain with charms or a funky cuff bracelet. And EARRINGS! I am obsessed with big dangly earrings (I highly suggest you check out the selection in the above S&D link).
And baby mamas, you are no longer being left out of the jewelry game for fear that your little one with wreck everything. Companies like Chewbeads, MommyNecklaces and KangarooCare on Etsy are providing moms with very fashionable and functional pieces to complement everyone's wardrobe and style!
2. Do not be afraid of colour! It's easy to get into a black/grey/neutral rut with your clothes. Yes, yes, I know, black is slimming and I am not saying get rid of all your black leggings (Ooooh! Remind me to tell you about THE BEST LEGGINGS EVER a bit later!!), but try to avoid the full head to toe black ninja look. Throw on a cardigan in a great colour or a bold scarf to break up the monochrome! Colour is your friend mamas. Trust me!
Even on a cold rainy day at a music festival!
3. Diaper bags have ruined me forever. I can't function without a big purse anymore. Even though I am no longer carrying an extra change of clothes for everyone, wipes, diapers, snacks, crayons, various lego pieces and something unrecognizably sticky at the bottom of it, I still need to have a big bag. And a nice big purse is a FABULOUS accessory! Again, try something in a different colour and move away from the practical black and browns that "go with everything". RED goes with everything. As does yellow, a great turquoise and a funky leopard print too! I am a sucker for the purse aisle at Winners and I do so love the stores that colour code all the bags too.
This is my current carry-all.
4. Make-up. I have a couple of must-put-on products in my make-up drawer and I seriously can't leave the house without them. One is my BB cream. I am currently using this one and it really is a little bit of magic in a tube. Then I add my bronzer and my favourite mascara and I am good to go. This simple routine takes me under 5 minutes to do. A little lip gloss in the car and then I am super fancy!
There you have it. My tips for looking like you're "all put together" on the playground. No one needs to know that you probably haven't had a shower yet or that under that scarf is a jam stain from a little person's sticky breakfast fingers. And here is another little tip from me to you.
Putting on those fancy earrings or that great necklace not only gives your look a boost, it gives you one too. It's something you are doing just for you. So YES, go get those earrings that you think are only for special occasions and wear them today and ROCK that playground!
“I admit it's tempting to wish for the perfect boss, the perfect parent, or the perfect outfit. But maybe the best any of us can do is not quit, play the hand we've been dealt, and accessorize what we've got."
~ Carrie {Sex & the City}
natasha~
P.S. I am smiling in this photo, but not 5 minutes later I was swearing a blue streak because I was 2 minutes late for my parking meter and got a martha-fockerring ticket!
But HOT DAMN, I look good in those earrings!!
P.P.S. Here are the leggings I was talking about! I bought a pair of the 3/4 length ones at Wilde & Sparrow (my favourite store in Parksville) when we were on holidays this summer and have just ordered another high-waist full length pair too!
P.P.S. DISCLAIMER: Not one of the products or stores mentioned in this post has compensated me for mentioning them. When I love something, I love it and I like to share with those who might love it too!
and he's off...
To Grade One that is.
A full day,
a very full backpack,
a mama's heart full of pride and love for her little man,
and about 25 retakes just to get one decent "Back to school" photo!
Seriously folks, six year olds and cameras = opportunity for all the faces!
This one is the keeper!
And yes, he has decided to be an illustrator. The kid has some mad drawing skillz folks!
I hope the first day of school (or non-school) was awesome for you and yours too!
Natasha~
What I REALLY did on my summer holidays...
So... remember back in June when I was all, "I am making a Summer Bucket list and we are going to do ALL THE THINGS??" Yeah, well...
One week into summer holidays and I may have felt like this.
Ok, maybe not a huge mistake, but one that I needed to correct to ensure we all survived the summer (and each other!). Yes, that's right. We NEEDED a summer camp or two in between all our bucket listing to keep us from imploding and to give us all a slight break from each other.
I found two great programs that miraculously still had spots open and booked my kids in them as fast as I could type my credit card info onto the online registration page! Both programs were wonderful, the kids had a blast, they met new friends and learned a couple of new skills too. It was a win for us all.
Ah, but did we get to do all the things on our bucket list? That's the big question right? I am happy to say that for the most part, yes we did. Also, my kids like the simple things in life, so 'go to a movie' (Despicable Me 2), do a craft (lots of drawing happened this summer) and 'make friendship bracelets' (with their awesome babysitter) were easy ones to tick off the list.
C had a few on his list that we just didn't have the time or resources or know how to do, like learn to longboard, go fishing, and learn to play the ukelele, but we will definitely keep them on the list for the coming year. And L was all about spending time at our local spray park/playground, being a 'beach girl' on holidays and finally mastering the fine art of bike riding!
So, I don't know if I caved to the power and lure of the Summer Camp gods or what, but it's all kind of a moot point now. Summer is over, we all had fun, we made some great memories, I did not take enough pictures and school is back in session.
Now get to bed people!
Tomorrow is a big day.
natasha~
...................
I kind of wanted to take a break from my computer and social media for the weekend, but that is hard to do when one is supposed to be in a 30 day #SummerBlogChallenge.
So here is post one for tonight... there may be another...
In the meantime, please visit the other bloggers who are being much more vigilant than I with their daily posts.
Liam ~ Natasha ~ Zita ~ Peter ~ Christine ~ Cliff ~ Hethr ~ Tracy ~ Kim
How to relieve tension: A list.
I feel like today is a list day. The past few days (weeks?) have been trying ones around here. I have an almost 7 year old son who wishes he was a grown up so he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants, who thinks he KNOWS everything and who likes to speak at a volume that most people reserve for the front row of an ACDC concert.
So because of all the yelling that I have been doing, all the frustrations I am feeling, all the tension in my upper back, I give you the following:
The top 15 reasons my kid is the BEST EVER!
1. He gives full body hugs. Arms, legs, all of him is in it.
2. Regardless of how crappy our day is, he tells me how much he loves me before he goes to sleep at night. Most of the time it is "more than all the grains of sand on all the beaches in all the world".
3. He knows more about dinosaurs than any other person I know, big or little!
4. He still crawls into bed with me every morning for a snuggle and sleeps in my arms exactly like he did when he was an infant.
5. He has the core strength of an Olympic gymnast and could likely shame a grown man with his plank and one handed push ups!
6. He has some MAD illustrating skills and can draw a wicked Godzilla (circa 1998).
7. When he laughs, he does so with his whole body and soul!
8. He bugs her mercilessly every day, but on the playground, NO ONE messes with his baby sister.
9. He can climb anything. And scares the SHIT out of me doing so!
10. He wears his heart on his sleeve and is not afraid of his emotions or of showing them. It's the part of him I know he got from me.
11. We have a secret mom and kid handshake that means "I love you".
12. He will eat almost anything at least once!
13. He calls me on my bad language or when I break any of our house rules.
14. He is not fearless, but will push himself to face his fears and overcome them.
15. He is and always will be my baby boy!
I do love this kid!
natasha~
~~~~~~~~~~
Summer Blog Challenge: Updated List Here!