Dinos and darlings

I had a lovely, but long day. I just dragged my fully dressed and almost fully asleep butt out of my daughter's organic, all-natural, 2 inches of wool topper, ridiculously comfortable bed just so I can write something.

I barely have the strength for this, but a #summerblogchallenge is a summer blog CHALLENGE damn it!

We spent the first part of today exploring prehistoric times at our local, uber-cool, full-sized-mechanical-dinosaurs theme park/forest and the afternoon playing at my sister's acreage.

The kids roared and stomped and climbed and dug for fossils and hatched out of giant eggs, all while Lil' C schooled us with the details of his favourite dinosaurs. At my sister's place, they caught frogs and grasshoppers and made gobble-y noises at the not-so-baby-anymore turkey babies.

After a quick car-nap on the drive home, a change of clothes and a hastily made salad, we headed over to our old neighbours place for a BBQ. It was nice to sit and visit with our friends and watch the kids bounce and collide and take turns injuring each other in the trusty old backyard jumpy castle. No permanent damage was done and a wonderful time was had by all.

Sometimes it is helpful to see that other seemingly normal people have kids that are just as crazy as yours are and that you are not the only one dealing with tiny little shitheads darlings who are constantly testing their (and your) boundaries. I am POSITIVE our neighbours felt the same way!

Back home, the poor dog wondering where on earth everyone has been all day and now completely glued to my side, it was bath and bedtime for the darlings.

And alas, it is that time for me too!

Bonne nuit tout le monde et à demain.

Natasha~

P.S. I am a dolt. Last night's post was my Day 1 for the #summerblogchallenge although TODAY is the official first day of the challenge (I don't read instructions well). There are quite a few others joining in on the fun and I encourage you to check them all out as there is a little bit of something for everyone in our eclectic group of writers (Liam, Zita, Magz, Peter, Christine, April, Cliff, Hethr, and Karen).  

P.P.S Also... The UPS man brought me my new booties!

P.P.P.S. This post is shit. I am sorry. Let's call it a poem and chalk it up to artistic license (or something like that)! 

P.P.P.P.S. I did say that I was tired, right?

Back to School Worries

School brings out the scared, picked-on, not very popular, always in hand-me down clothes, gap-toothed, insecure, child of a broken home, 12 year old in me. In my mind I time travel back almost 30 years and walk down that long lonely hallway lined with army green lockers and ridiculous construction paper themed bulletin boards feeling the eyes of the more popular kids looking at me and judging, pointing, laughing. It's never a fun trip, I assure you.

So you can imagine my apprehension as the start of a new school year approaches. My oldest is entering grade 1 and my baby is going to kindergarten and I am a bit of a basket case right now.

Now, I am not a basket case in the unprepared and procrastinating kind of way. Nope. All school supplies are purchased, backpacks procured, new outfits and indoor shoe needs are all taken care of. I am instead worried about who their teachers are, who they are going to be in their classes with, how they are going to mesh with their friends, new and old, if anyone is going to pick on them, and how they are going to navigate the big bad world of life away from me and the sometimes brutal 'Game of Thrones' that is the playground at recess.

The problem is that while I am internally freaking out about this, externally, I am exhibiting all of these issues that are completely mine as frustration and exasperation with my children. I am yelling more, I am not actually being present for them RIGHT NOW, as I am too worried about what will be happening a month from now. This in turn is making them incredibly sensitive to everything I say or do. My poor girl thinks that every time I tell her something or correct her about anything that she is in deep trouble and then there are tears, lots and lots of tears. 'Not so Little Anymore' C just goes straight to tuning out almost anything I say, in what I assume is a pre-emptive move before he hears me try to say something that he just doesn't want to hear or tell him to do something that he doesn't want to do. If I had a SASS-o-Meter for that one, it would be out the roof right now!

What I am essentially saying is that the level of communication I have with my children at the moment is seriously lacking. I don't really have an excuse for it either, aside from the incessant worrying and my own internal bullies that keep threatening to drag me back to that hallway to be slammed into a locker once again. I worried back then that I was never good enough for anything or anyone, that I was unlovable (yes, yes, I know, I have abandonment issues), and that I would never have any friends who liked me for who I really was. And now, I am afraid I am projecting these fears onto my kids.

I worry that my behaviour as of late, is making them worried that I don't love and accept them for who and what they are. C is always seeking my approval and asking me if I am proud of him, and L worries that if I say I love you to someone other than her that I don't love her anymore. Somehow I have neglected to let them know or tell them the following. I am ridiculously proud of my son. He amazes me everyday with his artwork and illustrations and his incredible grasp of numbers and the basic physics of his world. I love that he is such a sensitive kid and is not afraid to show his emotions, it's the part of him that I know he got from me. And my daughter? She is so much me that sometimes it is a bit scary. She is a goof, has her own incredible sense of style, is carefree and easy with her love and blows me away with her daily silliness and her imagination. I am not sure I could love her more if I tried.

All this worrying and the worrying about worrying going on around here over has everyone functioning at such a heightened level of tension that it really doesn't take much for any one of us to snap. And trust me, you'd think this was a house full of crocodiles with the amount of snapping going on and it is high time for it all to stop.

And I am the only one who can actually do that. (Being a grown-up sucks!)

My kids are not me. They won't have the same experiences that I did growing up and no amount of me worrying about what happened 30 years ago is going to A) make it go away and B) make my relationships with my children any better today. I need to focus all of that energy that I am wasting on worrying, on letting them know all of the ways that I love them and on ensuring that they are secure, confident, kind human beings, who will be able to navigate their worlds better than I was ever able to do way back when. It's time for a good heart to heart with my children and for us to hit the reset button before school starts and I COMPLETELY lose my shit!

Natasha~

If only the people who worry about their liabilities would think about the riches they do possess,

they would stop worrying.

~Dale Carnegie

Photo Credit: abbmona on Flickr

P.S. ...this may or may not be the first post for the 2013 #SummerBlogChallenge.

Ding dong, the witch....

...has Bell's Palsy. Last Thursday was C's last day of school. As I dropped him off in the morning for his end of year field trip, I mentioned to a friend that my tongue felt weird. It was kind of numb on both sides and that my coffee tasted "off" that morning. I didn't think much about it for the rest of the day (although the taste thing was still wonky) and we finished the school year with a bang and a slushy drink and a farewell to most until next year.

That night after dinner, I already had the beginnings of a headache and an hour later was in full migraine mode. I popped some meds, had a hot shower and hit the hay pretty hard. When I woke up in the morning, the headache was still there. I gave the kids full reign of Netflix on my iPad a carefully screened movie to watch and fell asleep for another hour. When I finally dragged by sorry head out of bed, I went straight to the shower and spent another 20 minutes trying to steam/soak/spray the ache-y pain away.

When I was finally fully awake and looked at myself in the mirror, it wasn't pretty. I figured things just looked a little "off" because of the massive post-migraine bags under my eyes. And then I went to lick my lips and well, I kind of couldn't. It felt as if I had just had dental work done and the freezing was slowing starting to come out. I could feel touch, but there was some weird numbness and a definite lack of movement in parts of my face.

I chalked up all of these wonky symptoms to the migraine, text-ed my husband about it and just hoped they would go away soon enough.

They did not. And I started to freak out a bit. I checked in with Dr. Google and I was all of a sudden on a medMD page about Hemiplegic Migraines and starting to get more and more concerned. I text-ed B again, proceeded with our plans for the day and took the kids to their summer hair cut appointment.

My anxiety was growing as was the numbness in my face and after a few calls back and forth between B, myself, and my in-laws, within the hour the kids had new do's, they were hanging out with my brother-in-law and I was registered in the emergency room of the hospital. Neurology was called and I was starting to calm down.

By this point, between Dr. Google, my husband and the help of some Twitter pals, I was pretty sure about what was going on and just needed the "official" diagnosis from Neurology. Which came after a relatively short stay in the emergency room and a nice nap thanks to the "courtesy" migraine cocktail the emergency doctor thought couldn't really hurt.

I did indeed have Bell's Palsy.

What exactly is Bell's Palsy you ask? Well, here you go (info from the National Institute of Neurological Disorders)...

Bell's palsy is a form of temporary facial paralysis resulting from damage or trauma to the facial nerves. The facial nerve-also called the 7th cranial nerve-travels through a narrow, bony canal (called the Fallopian canal) in the skull, beneath the ear, to the muscles on each side of the face. For most of its journey, the nerve is encased in this bony shell.

Each facial nerve directs the muscles on one side of the face, including those that control eye blinking and closing, and facial expressions such as smiling and frowning. Additionally, the facial nerve carries nerve impulses to the lacrimal or tear glands, the saliva glands, and the muscles of a small bone in the middle of the ear called the stapes. The facial nerve also transmits taste sensations from the tongue.

When Bell's palsy occurs, the function of the facial nerve is disrupted, causing an interruption in the messages the brain sends to the facial muscles. This interruption results in facial weakness or paralysis.

....

Bell's palsy occurs when the nerve that controls the facial muscles is swollen, inflamed, or compressed, resulting in facial weakness or paralysis. Exactly what causes this damage, however, is unknown.

Most scientists believe that a viral infection such as viral meningitis or the common cold sore virus—herpes simplex—causes the disorder. They believe that the facial nerve swells and becomes inflamed in reaction to the infection, causing pressure within the Fallopian canal and leading to ischemia (the restriction of blood and oxygen to the nerve cells).  In some mild cases (where recovery is rapid), there is damage only to the myelin sheath of the nerve.  The myelin sheath is the fatty covering-which acts as an insulator-on nerve fibers in the brain.

....

The prognosis for individuals with Bell's palsy is generally very good.  The extent of nerve damage determines the extent of recovery.  Improvement is gradual and recovery times vary.  With or without treatment, most individuals begin to get better within 2 weeks after the initial onset of symptoms and most recover completely, returning to normal function within 3 to 6 months.  For some, however, the symptoms may last longer.  In a few cases, the symptoms may never completely disappear.  In rare cases, the disorder may recur, either on the same or the opposite side of the face.

It's been a week. It has not gotten any worse, which the neurologist says is the best news. He also laughed at me when I told him I was frustrated that it has not gotten any better yet. Seems THAT is not going to happen for a few weeks (or months). Treatment has been some pretty high dose steroids and anti-virals and I am going to go see my acupuncturist this week for some pain relief and general help to, as she puts it, "move the wind".

The most important factor in treatment is protection of the affected eye. I don't know if it will get worse at this point and if I will need to upgrade to an eyepatch,  but since wearing contact lenses (and thus sunglasses) is out for the summer, I have been stocking up on hats this week to keep my eye protected while out and about. I have also invested in a fancy pair of over the glasses granny goggles for driving. Oh, yes, people, BP is all kinds of sexy!!

On the plus side, drinking wine (or any beverage for that matter) now involves a straw, so I bought a jumbo pack of rainbow ones just for me! And as I found out last weekend, half a bottle of Skinny Girl, plus another glass or two of white wine makes both sides of my face feel almost equally numb!

So if you see me and I am covering my mouth or trying not to laugh too much (seriously, it hurts to laugh and I look positively evil when I do and then I laugh harder, and look even more like a deranged monkey, so really, it's just not pleasant for anyone), please excuse me.

I have the Palsy.

And NO, I am not winking at you!

Natasha~

Week 8: chug a lug baby!

The latest from my #infinitecoaching nutritional program with Jessica at Infinite Fitness:

Water!!

Human beings are made of at least 60% water. So it kind of makes sense that we need water to survive.

Our brains are 80% water and at a mere 1% dehydration level, our mental performance and physical condition starts to become impaired. This is even before thirst kicks in. People don’t usually start to feel thirsty until they have already lost up to 3 % of their body’s water.

The problem here is that water is just so…. BORING!

We all know we should be drinking the recommended 8-12 cups a day, but how many of us ACTUALLY do that?

I know I don’t.

Click over here to see how I figured out how to actually do this (hint: there is an App for that)!

Outside the adventure zone.

I am not the "play" parent anymore. There, I said it.

I swear it wasn't always like this. I did play with them when they were smaller. A lot. There was painting and puzzles and peekaboo and play dough and all the other play stuff. We would bake cookies and get messy and then all tumble into my big bed for a nap, exhausted and blissful. I used to take pictures all the time, I needed to capture all our silly adventures together. And we had lots of them. Swimming, forest walks, bug hunts, a day at "Fish Mouth", hanging out with Lucy the elephant or howling with the wolves or Gibbon monkeys at the zoo, roaring at dinosaurs at Jurassic Forest. Life with the littles was ridiculously fun!

I am not sure when things changed. Maybe it was when both of them started going to preschool at the same time. And then came the other activities to fill up our days. All of a sudden there were swimming lessons, gymnastics, Sportball, music, dance... All the activities and programs meant to enrich our lives and give my kids new skills and learning experiences. This year it was kindergarten, soccer, school events, and more.

I have became obsessed with our schedules, finding programs that they can both do or at least do at the same time and then getting us from point A to point B to point C and back again. I wait outside their classes with all the other parents or sneak away quickly to grab a coffee or run an errand. Somehow, lost amidst the thrill of them being old enough for "unparented" classes and finding all these great programs and activities, I have become the person outside of the adventures. It is second nature to me now to get them to their classes, find my favourite waiting chair, pop open my phone and entertain myself on social media for 30-45 minutes. Yes, that is right, I am THAT parent. On the phone, with my head phones on, in my own world, separate from the one I have paid a lot of money for my kids to be in.

I am ashamed to admit it, but all of that sitting on the sidelines or in the waiting rooms "unparenting", seems to have seeped into my world at home too. Too often I find myself telling the kids to go play together without me (which they do really, really well) while I sit back and waste time online or busy myself with housework. It took me overhearing a conversation between Little C and his dad last week to make me realize how much this kind of behaviour is affecting my kids.

Dad: "Why are you so upset with Mommy right now?"

Little C: "Because she never wants to play with us anymore and is always chit-chatting or working on her phone."

And there I was, standing around the corner with a laundry basket in my hands and my heart breaking into a thousand pieces.

What have I done? How did I let this happen? And more importantly, how do I change things?

Here is my plan.

It is time to find the FUN again. School is done in less than 2 weeks. We have one bike camp booked and will continue with our swimming lessons throughout the summer, but other than that, we are not enrolled in any other programs. The kids and I are going to make a list. A summer bucket list. A big one we will write out and can put up on the wall, full of all the fun adventures we want to have this summer. And then we are going to do it ALL and I am going to take a LOT of pictures!

Because this tiny bit of disconnection that my child is feeling from me, and to be honest, that I am feeling from my child, I have done this to us. For all the good intentions I have enrolling my kids in extracurricular activities and enriching arts and physical activity programs, somehow in all of it, I have let them down. In my efforts to provide them with new life experiences and skills, I have forgotten the most important one.

Being connected to me and a part of my world.

And the thing is, they are not only a part of my world, they are THE MOST IMPORTANT AND PRECIOUS parts!

So if you'll excuse me, I have some reconnecting to do and a bucket list to make with my children!

Natasha~

P.S. I will post our #summerbucketlist once it is completed (and which will likely be a dynamic one) and we can all have some great adventures this summer! I'd love to hear what's on yours too!

Week 6: the status quo revolution

More lessons learned on my path to being Lean for Life with @Infinitefit. 

The status quo. The existing condition or state of affairs.

In layman’s terms, the status quo in everything is what we like to call our “comfort zone”. It’s the place of good enough, not rocking the boat, keeping the peace, and the happy medium.

And a lot of people are very happy with the status quo.

I spent last weekend in a room full of do-gooders from my city looking for ways to challenge the status quo, to move people out of their comfort zones that privilege or race or gender has granted them. And this was one of the biggest challenges we all faced in our projects, our endeavors and our desires to do-good for our communities.

The status quo.

These feelings of “everything is just fine; this is just the way things are; you just have to accept the world we live in” are hard to eschew. They make up all the stories we tell ourselves to make us feel good about our lives. That we are not bad people, we aren’t hurting anyone, we pay our taxes, we eat relatively well, we “exercise” enough. In essence, we keep telling ourselves that we are A-OK.

But are we?

Head over here to keep reading... 

Thanks,

Natasha~

Fairy Tales & PIE: why we need both in a marriage.

I am a sucker for a good love story. I love a happy ending when the girl gets the boy of her dreams or vice-versa or the girl gets the girl of her dream, or the boy the boy of his dreams. I am, of course, an equal opportunity love story junkie.

The problem with most love stories is that they end at the "and then they lived happily ever after" and we just assume that this is exactly the case. That love conquers all and it is all they need to keep them happy and together until the end of time.

Imagine if we could see the rest of the story. What happens after the Beast turns back to the Prince and he and Belle start having babies. Or after Ariel loses her fins and becomes human to be with Eric and then decides to take a job that requires her to be away a lot. What happens to all that fairy tale love when reality sets in?

In the past six months it has become painfully evident to me that I am in a phase in my life where I am starting to see the statistics about marriage play out around me. I don't know if it is the 'seven year itch' phenomenon or the 8, 9, 10 or 12 year itch... it just seems to be happening  more and more. Every couple is different and has their own struggles to overcome, but I do see a little bit of a recurring theme in a lot of relationships.

It sounds so bloody cliché, but having kids really does change your life. And until it happens to you, it is hard for anyone around you to really "get it".  Everything for the next few years (read FOREVER) is all about the kids. This is not all terrible, it is after all, what you signed up for. You and your partner created these little humans together and now it is your job to love and provide for them. Your focus gets easily pulled to nurturing these new relationships with your children and it can be a steep learning curve to figure out how to love them, love yourself and love your partner all at the same time. Life is about growth and development and it is not only our babies who are doing the growing. We are too - as parents, as partners, and as individuals. If we don't recognize this growth, if we stop paying attention to our life partners, a vital connection can be lost. And then, one day, there is a very sobering realization that we don't recognize the person sitting across the table from us or even the person (ourselves) looking across the table anymore.

I am a huge proponent of the attachment theory of parenting and how important it is for our babies to have that strong sense of attachment and bonding with us from the get go. Dr. Gordon Neufeld, and many others who study human psychology and development, say that attachment is THE most significant and pre-eminent need of human beings. Connections and a sense of belonging are what make us human. And if we lose those connections in our most important and intimate relationships, if we try to replace them with things or focus our connections away from our partners, we risk losing those relationships altogether.

If life and the kids and the laundry and the yard work and work work and Facebook time and gaming and working out and taking everyone to their activities and whatever else you've got going on, is taking up ALL OF YOU, it is doing so at an expense. We may think that that expense is being tired all the time and not having time for ourselves, let alone our partners, but I am telling you now, that NO, that is not it. The expense is the subtle, slipping away of trust and confidence and the very foundation that supports our relationships.

It is very easy to fall into patterns of behaviour when our babies and toddlers are small and require so much from us. We have a schedule for naps and for feedings, a routine for bedtime, a weekly colour-coded calendar full of music/swim/parent&me/gymnastics/art classes. Not to mention all the rest of the work that needs to be done at home, at the office, at the home-office or what have you. I don't know about you, but I remember so many days that I would forgot to even feed myself, let alone have a conversation or a meal with my husband. Being an attached and connected parent is a wonderful thing, but if you don't continue to nurture the original connection and attachment that MADE your child(ren), then where does that leave you?

I just finished reading Brené Brown's book, "Daring Greatly". In the chapter about Debunking the Vulnerability Myths, one paragraph really struck me. In it Brené talks about the betrayal of disengagement:

"When the people we love or with whom we have a deep connection stop caring, stop paying attention, stop investing and stop fighting for the relationship, trust begins to slip away and hurt starts seeping in. Disengagement triggers shame and our greatest fears - the fears of being abandoned, unworthy, unlovable. What can make this covert betrayal so much more dangerous than something like a lie or an affair is that we can't point to the source of our pain - there's no event, no obvious evidence of brokenness. It can feel crazy-making."

My husband and I have always had a little bit of a relationship radar in place that lets us know when life is getting the best of us. I am pretty sure that everyone has some kind of early warning system in their own relationship. It all comes down to how much or how little attention is paid to it. The increased bickering, the loss of physical connection, the muttering under the breath, being super sensitive to every little thing said to each other - these are the warnings that we can sometimes overlook or not really think too much about, but this is just a small list of the tiny betrayals that can build on each other. And if no one is paying attention to the physical, intellectual and emotional needs of their partner (I think I'll call that P.I.E.!) than going through the motions of a marriage or life partnership will never leave anyone feeling fulfilled. Every little hurt starts to adds up and disconnection is the sum result.

We've all heard it said before, love takes work. It is a choice we have to make every day. It takes a fair amount of vulnerability too. And for a lot of people, accessing that vulnerable place in themselves is a major hurdle. It's a risk to say to the person you are supposed to be totally in love with that something is off. That THIS, the way things are RIGHT NOW, is not working for you. We'll do a lot to avoid these kinds of conversations and our fears only serve to push us further away from each other. We work more, take extra shifts, spend more time on Facebook/Pinterest/Twitter. We become obsessed with perfection and our focus becomes on how we look, how the house looks, and how the world sees us. We drown our fears in booze or food. We live with what Brené Brown calls "scarcity" and become governed by self-talk and thoughts of never being "enough" of anything to anyone. It's the mother of all shame spirals and the only way out of it is to face those fears, be your most vulnerable self and start paying attention.

For me, that meant finding a good therapist to help me face my own negative self-talk and the ways that I avoid my own vulnerability. Jane* has made me realize that I can choose to change the way I think and I don't have to revert to my default avoidance setting of "fixing" everyone else's lives around me and ignoring my own problems. It has also meant having some very honest conversations with my husband and of us sharing our greatest fears within our relationship with each other. Trust me, this was not an easy task for either of us, but I truly believe that it has made all the difference. We are both more aware and focused on making sure that we are both getting our fair share of the P.I.E. more so now than ever before.

I said it above, but it bears repeating:

Attachment, connection and belonging are the pre-eminent needs of all human beings.

We are all doing our very best to ensure that we are nurturing that kind of relationship with and for our children and most of us are getting pretty good at this attachment parenting stuff. We need to remember that we too are humans and have those same basic and vital needs. To satisfy them within our significant and intimate relationships, we all need to remember to keep working on our ATTACHMENT MARRIAGE-ING and keep the focus on our own happily ever afters!

Natasha~

P.S. You all know how much I love Pink and she always know exactly what to say way better in song version...

[youtube]http://youtu.be/OpQFFLBMEPI[/youtube]

Everything looks harder than it is....

Here is my latest update from my #InfiniteCoaching and #LeanforLife program with Jessica at Infinite Fitness.

 I can just imagine the ad team for Nike.

All sitting around a conference room table one day, brainstorming about slogans for their biggest client. They are all talking about fitness and exercise and running and someone makes an off-hand remark… “Why doesn’t everyone just do it?”

And there you have it. Three words that have revolutionized a brand and made Nike a recognized and household name worldwide.

BUT…

Even with the biggest brand in the world telling us to “Just do it”, so many of us just DON’T.

The problem in our fast-paced, busy, busy world is hidden in that original question…

Why don’t we eat better? Work out more? Go for a walk or a bike ride? Plan out our meals better? Clean out the storage room? Or our inboxes? Or our pantries?

Head on over HERE to continue reading...