Miracle Milk. make it, donate it, love it.
2,078 Days ago, I delivered a 3 lb, 6 oz baby boy. I kissed his tiny little head and then he was taken away, accompanied by his daddy, to the NICU one floor above me. This is how I entered the world of motherhood. It was at least 3 hours before I was able to see my child and another 5 more before I was able to hold him and all the various tubes and wires attached to him.
I had gestational hypertension throughout my first pregnancy. It was discovered early enough at 26 weeks and we knew that regardless of how well controlled we could keep my blood pressure, the chances were VERY high that I was going to have to deliver the baby before we reached full-term. Outside of my weekly visits to the neonatology clinic for NSTs and ultrasounds, I was put on bed-rest for the remainder of my pregnancy. And I read. I read every book about premature babies that I could find. I learned about the challenges that they face, the complications of early birth and the best practices for how to overcome them.
This was how I learned about the benefits of kangaroo care and babywearing. And this was the first time I heard the phrase "liquid gold" in regards to colostrum and breastmilk. This was also when I learned about the #2 killer of NICU babies, necrotizing enterocolitis (NEC). In medical speak, "necrotizing enterocolitis (NEC) is one of the most common gastrointestinal emergencies in the newborn infant. It is a disorder characterized by ischemic necrosis of the intestinal mucosa, which is associated with inflammation, invasion of enteric gas forming organisms, and dissection of gas into the muscularis and portal venous system." (1) In laymans' terms, part of a baby's immature gut basically dies and needs to be surgically removed. It is extremely painful and has both short and long-term complications.
I was fortunate to carry my baby to 35 weeks and have a rather uneventful, albeit quick, delivery. My son was very small and very jaundiced, but otherwise healthy. He even ripped off his oxygen tube in those first few hours in the NICU (a fact my husband is still kind of proud of). Because we had done our research before heading into the NICU, both my husband and I were very insistent that our child only ever be fed breastmilk. I started pumping within hours of his birth and then set my alarm for every three hours and religiously pumped either at the hospital or at home to ensure that my milk came in and that he would have enough human breast milk at all times.
Some of the babies in our "pod" in the NICU were not as fortunate and had indeed succumbed to NEC. I remember the young mom of the baby next to us coming in every day to change her baby's ostomy bag (she insisted on doing it herself) and hoping that this would be the day that the doctors told her that his gut was healed, he could have his next surgery and that the hole in his belly would be closed up.
NEC sickens 5,000 U.S. and Canadian premature babies per year, of which roughly 500 die from the disease. Feeding fragile and compromised babies human milk – whether from the mother or by donor — has been shown to reduce the risk of NEC by 79%. For all these reasons, The Canadian Pediatric Society says “human breastmilk provides a bioactive matrix of benefits that cannot be replicated by any other source of nutrition.” The American Academy of Pediatrics also recommends human milk, by mother or by donor, for all preterm infants. Both the AAP and CPS clearly recognize the life-saving power of donor milk for preterm babies.(2)
Yesterday, I participated in the first Best for Babes Miracle Milk™ Mother's Day Stroll. This North American campaign was started to raise awareness, funds and donor milk to save lives and spare the suffering of our most fragile population -- preterm and compromised babies. This is the first year for the Miracle Milk Stroll and Edmonton was one of almost 70 sites – 11 in Canada, 57 in the US and 2 on military bases in England who participated.
There are still NICUs within Canada and the US who do not or can not provide human milk for these preemie babies and this is why we stroll. To raise more awareness of the importance of human milk for human babies and the need for donor milk and for more milk banks across North America. Parents, health care providers and hospital administrators need to know more about the critical importance of an exclusive human milk diet in a preterm baby’s care or about the accessibility, safety and life-saving power of donor milk if mother’s own milk is not available.
I was extremely proud that the kids and I got to be a part of this inaugural campaign and encourage you to find out more about how you can help these tiny babies in your community.
Yes, that is my preemie now in the grey sweatshirt.
Find out where your local milk bank is and donate and please check out the Best for Babes website and all the ways you can help mothers and babies.
In Canada, we now have four human milk banks that you can donate to {monetarily or milkily} in Vancouver, Calgary, Toronto and Montreal. Edmonton has it own Milk Bank Depot at the Grey Nuns Hospital where donations can be dropped off as well.
Tell your friends about how important human milk is for these compromised babies and how easy and safe it is to donate milk!
And of course, wear your Miracle Milk™ T-shirt with pride!
Happy Mother's Day Everyone!
natasha~
1. Neu J. Necrotizing enterocolitis: the search for a unifying pathogenic theory leading to prevention. Pediatr Clin North Am 1996; 43:409.
Feminist Fare Friday: Edition #22
Happy Easter/Passover/Zombie Jesus/Egg laying Bunny weekend to everyone. Ok, no really, if this weekend is a serious one for you, I mean it, I wish you peace and blessings all around. And if for some of you it is just a good excuse to crack open those Cadbury eggs and slowly lick out the centres until you pass out from all the sugar, well, have at 'er folks! Just make sure you read some yummy feminist fare below before you get too full on all that creamy, sugary, chocolate-y goodness.
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1. No one has ever said that being a parent is easy. It's hard knowing that pieces of your heart are walking around outside of your body. This week was the release of yet another (timely) "motherhood is the toughest job on earth" videos. It's been shared and viewed close to a bajillion times already (my fact-checker is on vacation, but I am pretty sure that is accurate) and it's one of those 'love it or hate it' kind of videos. I kinda don't love it at all that much and not surprisingly, I am not the only one.
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2. Tuesday and Wednesday nights on Twitter it is usually PAR-TAY central. And by par-tay, I mean the corporately sponsored, hashtaged kind where you get to win prizes and answer all kinds of really important questions like, which bread you use, when was the last time you cleaned your bum with a wet wipe or what spunky outfit your kid is wearing this season. I do not usually participate in these twitter parties, for a variety of reasons; I don't use the product, I don't feel comfortable disclosing my personal toilet hygiene routines online or more often than not, I do not support the company sponsoring the party.
This last point has become increasingly important in my consumerism since the tragedy that happened at the Rana Plaza in Bangladesh last year. Annie at Phd in Parenting has been staying on top of what has been happening since the factory collapse and has put together a rather comprehensive post outlining some of the brands and companies that have, and those that have not, stepped up to the plate to compensate the victims and change the way that they do business in Bangladesh. There is no need to boycott all goods made in Bangladesh, but there is a need to hold accountable the companies that are NOT doing the right thing for and by the people they use to make their goods.
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3. I am not a fan of banning words. I like words. I write a lot of them here and I aim to write a whole lot more of them. One day I hope that my words will end up in a book that people will want to read and buy and keep in their libraries. And maybe, just maybe, it will be one that gets me on the list of most-banned books in America, along with the likes of Captain Underpants, The Hunger Games and Perks of Being a Wallflower - all three of which made the 2013 list of the top ten most challenged books.
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4. And a bit of good news from our local provincial government today.
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Have a wonderful long weekend everyone.
natasha~
world's toughest job - I don't have it!
Mother's Day is less than a month away. Cue all the cheesy videos, montages and clever ads telling you how motherhood is the hardest job in the world... and of course, the most rewarding one too. You'll probably tear up while watching these videos, you won't necessarily want to, but the magic of the ad-man is that they know how to get to you!
The most recent (and instantly viral - 1.5 million views as of today) of these videos is this one from CardStore.com describing and interviewing people for the position of Director of Operations at Rehtom, Inc., AKA, the toughest job in the world.
[youtube]http://youtu.be/HB3xM93rXbY[/youtube]
Here are a few quotes from the "interview" that really stuck out for me, and as a mother and current Director of Operations for my own household, I would like to address these points.
"Constantly on your feet, constantly bending over, a high level of stamina..."
Right now I am sitting on my butt at Starbucks drinking a chai latte. I've got my favourite Songza playlist playing in my earphones and sure, I may be bent over my laptop typing, but it's really not requiring a lot out of me. Motherhood is a marathon people, not a sprint. You've got to pace yourself. I am not sure where this "constantly on your feet and then bending over" imagery comes from (perhaps here), but it's just plain silly. I sit and play with my kids, I sit down for meals with my family (more on that in a bit), I took the "sleep when baby sleeps" message to heart and did just that. I am assuming the bending over is related to picking up little children, or picking up AFTER little children, but even in that regard, I'm pretty sure I have never been all, "Phew... this sure takes a lot of stamina!" (Unless it's picking up LEGO, that shit requires stamina, patience and a whole new SFK (safe-for-kids) vocabulary for when you step on it.) And I won't even start on moms who have mobility issues or are in wheelchairs... because obviously they need not apply!
"No, there are no breaks available."
Oh please. OK, fine, NO, there are no breaks from motherhood. Once a mother, always a mother. Yeah, yeah, I hear you, but know this, there are also choices in motherhood. There is the choice to be the martyr mom, the one who never does take a break, and who is constantly complaining about said lack of breaks, yet never does anything about that (hello - it's called self-care folks and it is a thing!). I think that the bigger problem here is that some people actually do look at motherhood like a JOB, as if it is something that has parameters to it. Like it is some kind of 18-year contract work that comes with a policy and procedures manual. I am here to tell you (and I probably don't need to if in fact you ARE a mother), there is no manual, AND THIS IS NOT A JOB. It is a life choice. Some call it a role or a vocation, others call it a biological imperative and some would even call it a divine plan. Whatever you call it, understand this, motherhood is not a job. You don't get your two 15 minutes breaks, a 45 minute lunch and overtime after you've put in your 37.5 hours per week. You do however, get to choose how and when you do take your breaks and recharge yourself and leave all that martyrdom behind!
"You can have lunch, after the associate has had their lunch."
I'll admit that yes, I do make sure that everyone else if fed before I feed myself. As all mothers know, this is often done out of necessity... to stave of the wrath of The Hangry Toddler. What I also do is insist on everyone sitting down together for at least one meal a day. In our house, that is dinner. We all contribute to this time together, whether it is choosing the meal, setting the table, or helping to prepare the food. Even when my kids were little and just starting to sit up and eat solid food, we did this with them at the table, as a family at meal times. The problem with the "feed everyone before you feed yourself" mentality is that, once the "associates" have eaten, they want to go and do other things and there is no time for you to eat. Then your left with the second most terrifying thing next to The Hangry Toddler, The Hangry {Over-Caffeinated} Mother.
"The candidate must have a degree in medicine, finance and the culinary arts."
I have a degree in laboratory medicine and one in business management. My husband actually does have a degree in medicine. Not one of these academic degrees gives either of us any more qualifications to be a mother or father than anyone else walking around with degrees is psychology, education, the fine arts, chemical engineering or what-have-you. Parenting is not a degree you earn. It is hands-on learning and perhaps what having a degree in ANYTHING does for parents, is give them the tools and skills to figure shit out! (A university or college degree is in now way a prerequisite here.) Parents need a good amount of critical thinking skills, a whole lot of "flying by the seat of your pants" skills and a good measure of imagination and improvisational skills too. Add all of that up and maybe, just maybe you'll get an imaginary Doctorate in Parenting, but just remember that your advanced degree is primarily going to apply only to those attending the U of YOF (Your Own Family).
"If you had a life, we would ask that you give that life up."
This is the moment in the video that I wanted to say a big, Eff OFF! Mothers (and fathers) do not give up their lives when they have kids! They make choices, they make sacrifices, they grow. Their lives change, they don't END. Now, if by life, the video meant JOB or CAREER, then yes, some parents do give those up. This line of thinking just furthers the notion that a person is valued not by who they are, but by what they do for a living. And if you need a reminder of the value of a MOTHER, well, then this post could go on for a LONG time!
"No vacations. No time to sleep."
This is just a continuation of the no life thing. Guess what Moms, you CAN take vacations! You can take them with your kids and yes, you can even take them without the kids. Now, if you are like me, it may take you a few years to work up to the whole leaving the kids for more than a day thing, but I promise you it will be worth it and you can take baby steps all the way up to that lovely week long tropical getaway for you and your significant other or your closest girlfriends.
The whole sleep thing is a different story. All I have to say about this is that my kids are 5 and 7 and some nights I may not be sleeping in my own bed... BUT, I am sleeping. Do what works for you and yours and do try to get some sleep!
"The position is going to pay absolutely nothing. Completely pro bono."
The reaction of the interviewees to this information is spot on. Who in their right mind would accept a job as all encompassing as the one described and not expect to get paid and paid quite handsomely at that? NO ONE! No, not even a mother. Why? I'll say this again... slowly.
MOTHERHOOD. IS. NOT. A. JOB.
Yes, sometimes it is tedious. Sometimes it is drudgery and you feel like you are drowning under piles of laundry, dishes, toys and expectations. Sometimes you can't even remember the last time you ate, showered, or pee'd by yourself and/or behind a closed door. Most of the time the little things that you do all day, the things that actually make up your day are thankless tasks that no one notices but you. Even with all of this, it is still not a job.
You are not paid by the hour or have a yearly salary. There is no HR department for you to go complain to about your lack of break time or all the overtime you've been putting in without anyone acknowledging it or all the things that you do that were not in the "job description" (clean poop off of ceiling comes to mind for some reason). And above all, you do not get to go home after a long day "on the job".
This whole idea of motherhood martyrdom or the equally damaging deification of "capital M" mother is getting out of hand. It further pushes the value we place on mothers into a separate realm of unattainable or untouchable (and therefore immeasurable). It is not empowering, nor is it glorifying. All this kind of advertising does is turn motherhood into a commodity. Our lives become a simple thing that someone else can make a profit from simply by pushing some emotional buttons, and letting you know just how damn hard and unrewarding and relentless and all consuming this "job" is.
And in that regard, well done CardStore Ad agency, well done.
Now go and make your mother an effin' card, you ingrate!
(and put a BILLION dollars in it!)
Natasha~
Oh Hi! It's just me... you know, sitting down "on the job"!
The value of MOTHER.
It's started to happen already. The question whispered on people's lips or straight up asked right to my face. Next year both of my children will be in school full-time and some people are wondering...
"What are you going to do then?"
"What is your plan?"
This full-time school thing is a time of transition for everyone in the family. It is a time of letting go, of lunches packed with love, of good-bye kisses on cheeks, and wishes of having a good day, one that, for the first time, is going to be primarily without each other. I won't deny that it is a time that I am simultaneously dreading and dreaming of; dreading because I won't be the central person safeguarding my babies throughout their days anymore, and dreaming of because it has been seven years since I've had more than 3-4 hours all to myself on a regular basis to do whatever the hell I want!
And I get it. I get why the questions are asked of many, many mothers, who like me, are in stay-at-home roles. The kids are good now, right? They don't need you as much. They can DO all the things for themselves now and for 6-7 hours of the day they will be in the care of other people and learning about their worlds.
The problem I am having with this "the kids don't need me anymore" logic, is that it feels like some kind of default assumption that, as a mother, what I have been doing for the past 7 years is nothing more than providing childcare for my children. That while it is true that I have given them all the basics to function on their own and they truly do not need me for said basics anymore (bum wipes, snotty noses, help with eating, zipping up jackets, etc...), I can now be relieved of my childcare duties. Now that they are school-aged, I can send them off for someone else to watch over for the day and then I can finally get back to being a regular, contributing member of society. You know, one with a 'real' job, and a purpose, and some kind of economic -and therefore societal- VALUE.
In her 2001 bestseller, The Price of Motherhood, Anne Crittenden discusses this concept in depth and shows us that although women may be liberated and on the path to economic equality, mothers are decidedly not.
"The idea that time spent with one's child is time wasted is embedded in traditional economic thinking. People who are not formally employed may create human capital, but they themselves are said to suffer a deterioration of the stuff, as if they were so many pieces of equipment left out to rust."
Don't get me wrong. Motherhood is not all sunshine and beautiful moments and crafting until your fingers bleed, but it is MUCH more than glorified babysitting. It is a long-term commitment to building human character and developing the beings who will be the future of our world. It is about maintaining a healthy sense of attachment with our children so that they can confidently venture out into the world on their own and be caring human beings. Yet for reasons we still can't fully understand or correct, there is no dollar value that society can attach to this 'human capital' development and therefore no value in the people, primarily mothers, doing this work.
I am no fool. I know that if I decided to try to go back to work full-time, it would be a challenge for me from the get go. I'd have to explain my 8 year absence from the workforce. I'd have to somehow bump up my resume with my volunteer work , my writing and the various new skills acquired as a stay-at-home parent (and there are plenty!). Then I would somehow have to make the math add up, fitting an 8 hour work day into a 6 hour school day. This of course leads me to the search for before/after school childcare and the cost of this for two children, which, upon a quick perusal of various programs, would be a minimum of about $800/month. In the few hours between school and bedtime and interspersed with any extra-curricular activities, is where time spent with the children occurs and then after bedtime is when household care occurs. Yeesh! I am exhausted just thinking about this!
Yes, I know that for a lot of families, the choice to work or not is not one that they can make and the scenario above is their reality. I am fully aware of the level of privilege that I have in my life. Single or married, many, many people figure this all out and make it work for their families, and for that they have my utmost respect and admiration. I grew up with a single working mother and three younger siblings and she did make it work. How exactly she did this, I still don't know, but growing up, I was always in awe of her strength and character and how much she sacrificed for us and for the people and institutions that she worked for. Yet as I got older and then had children myself, I wondered just how much of her own self and happiness she sacrificed for us.
In that first year of parenting, the reality of what me going back to work would mean to our family didn't quite hit my husband and I until a few months before the end of that year. That in two months time we would be handing our infant son over to a child-care worker to care for him for most of the day, all of a sudden didn't sit quite so well with either of us. That I would have to stop breastfeeding him on demand and either pump or switch to formula for his nutritional needs wasn't something I was prepared to do. And that the logistics of my job would require me to be away for upwards of 3 days to a week's time at least quarterly and the implications of what this would mean for all of us seemed too daunting. When I found out I was pregnant again around the same time I was to return to work, the decision for me to be the stay at home parent seemed to be the option we were most comfortable with and the one that worked the best for our family. So at the age of 36, and at a point of really starting to climb the proverbial corporate ladder of my career, to use the vernacular of the day, I "opted out".
It is a decision that I do not regret in the least. And of note, it is also a world that I have no desire to "lean {back} in" to either.
Recently I have had two close friends, who are in the same stay-at-home parental boat as me, tell me that they are going back to work later this year. They both have a multitude of reasons for doing so and I completely support these women and understand their reasons for making this decision for themselves and their families.
All except one.
Both have told me that going back to work will allow them to feel like they can finally DO THINGS for themselves without feeling guilty about it.
Here is the thing. I love both of these ladies and have seen them raise their children first hand for the past four years. Like most mothers I know, these are extremely dedicated women, who take care of house, home, children and spouses and all the logistics that go along with that. They have taken on the roles of economist and financial planner for their families, of early childhood educator, of artist/designer/house project manager, of cook/cleaner/chauffeur and mediator of family relations and the list goes on and on. If there were ever two people who deserved to do things for themselves, these two are IT (and yes, they are both probably reading this). They left their careers to be the primary at home caregiver for their families. A 40-hour work week traded in for one that is 24/7, that comes with no pay, no sick days, no health benefits and NO WEEKENDS OFF. Some will argue, "Well, that was their choice, so suck it up ladies!", but that argument falls apart when you take a closer look at the ridiculous expectations and societal parameters that are placed on mothers.
When you have a society that is constantly giving you the mixed messages that what you do as a mother is "the most important job on the planet" and glorifies you to semi-deity status and then simultaneously punishes you economically for leaving the workforce and shames you into sacrificing your very being to the glory that is Mother, it is no surprise that women feel a sense of guilt for wanting something that is just for them. That so many women echo the sentiments of losing themselves in motherhood and not feeling fulfilled in this role, despite all the wonderful praise capital "M" Motherhood elicits, is further testament to how undervalued a role it is, even by those fully entrenched in it. After all of this, the message that does get through is not "you are worth it", it is more often "you didn't earn it"," you don't deserve it", "IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU" and the ever popular "What exactly do you DO all day?".
I fully support all mothers, in all of their choices, and especially my dear friends on their decision to return to the workforce. I am actually quite excited for them both. My only wish for them and for any of you reading this is that whatever you choose to do in your life, be it working, staying at home, learning to paint, taking a yoga class, hiring a cleaning service, having a nanny, using a day care, getting a pedicure, going for a run or taking an hour long shower BY YOURSELF, that you make these choices with your agency intact and with full knowledge that you are worth it, that you should not feel guilty for wanting something just for you and that your work as Mother is not all of WHO YOU ARE. And even if, for a few years, it sorta-kinda is, please know that your work more than entitles you to being your own person, with her own needs and wants and that you can and should take care of yourself, however that may be. Do it for yourself and do it for your children as well. Let them see the value that you place on yourself, and let them take that message of self-care with them into the world that will one day be theirs.
In case anyone is still wondering what my plan is for next year, I plan on continuing to ensure the attachment and belonging that my children are growing up knowing with me as their mother. My "thing" is my writing and perhaps next year is the year of the great novel/screenplay/manifesto. I may even delve into some painting while I'm at it. Throughout it all though, please know that I support you in your choices, even though they may be different than mine, and that we all are deserving of doing the things that feed our souls.
{Psst.... I'll probably be getting a pedicure and a massage on a regular basis too.}
Take CARE of YOU,
natasha~
Michelle Obama, Katniss Everdeen and Me: Our choices & our agency.
I am an almost 42 year old woman. I have a Bachelor's degree in Medical Laboratory Sciences. I have worked in a blood bank, a microbiology lab, a transplant research lab and had a very successful career working for a billion dollar pharmaceutical company. Now, at the pinnacle of my life, I have been married for 10 years, I am a mother to two beautiful children and I left my career almost 7 years ago to care for them and manage our family household.
For a lot of the world, I am the prime example of the opt-out/lean-out woman. For some I am a 'bad' feminist because I am not using my education and contributing my talents to the greater society and earning a living and that I have taken two steps back for womankind, because I am not fighting my way up to and through the glass ceilings of the world.
Recently, Michelle Obama was called a "feminist nightmare" for making decisions in her life very similar to mine; for choosing her 'Mom-in Chief" role over her ivy-league credentials and career success. She has been criticized by some for not living up to their image of the ideal, high-profile feminist role model for women everywhere. And as one critic put it:
The "kind of thing" being referred to, is of course, being a mother. One who worries about what her kids (and what the nation's kids) are eating, one who is concerned with her children (and the nation's children) finishing high school and getting a higher education. You would think from these arguments that these are the kinds of things that only mothers do. That mothers are the only ones concerned about the state of our childrens health and education. That if you are indeed a brilliantly educated and well-connected woman than it is your duty to don your "power-suit" and lean all the way IN, get that big corner office and be in the 'game' with all the big players (read: men) and leave all of those "other" kinds of things for who exactly? All those less educated, less connected grown women?
This is where I think feminism actually starts to confuse people and why it may seem alienating to some as well.
A common theme that I read over and over lately, is how women are damned if we do and damned if we don't in practically all things. If we have children and work - neglect. If we have children and don't work - privileged. If we don't have children - selfish. If we have TOO many children - even more selfish. If we cover up our bodies - fat shamed. If we are naked - slutty. If we are passionate about something - too emotional. If we are not touchy-feely enough - bitch. I could go on and on...
The problem as I see it is that women are indeed damned in this world, because it is a world that was not made for us to succeed in. We are fighting for something that doesn't exist in our past or present society, a world where all humans are equal, where women are not seen as "other". And because this doesn't exist, because no where in our history do we see women valued as equals, we assume that equality means being like the dominant power holders, ie, the men. Regardless of the immense progress that has been made by women towards the goal of equality, our current world is still one of inequality and in our quest to reach our goal, sacrifices are made. Choices must be made by women within a framework that is not of our making and thus judgment ensues.
As I was hashing all of these thoughts out in my brain, the closest, most pop-culture-y analogy that I could think of was The Hunger Games. No, really, just stay with me here....
Think of Katniss and all of the people of Panem outside of the Capitol as women and the Capitol (political and financial power holders) as men. The Hunger Games are a metaphor for The Great Equality Playing Field. Women are all Tributes and placed in an arena that men have built and are forced to make choices that they would otherwise NOT make in order to survive in that arena and win the game. The players have to take down all other tributes on their way to the winners circle. They have to be ruthless. They have to be angry. They have to KILL. The only option for any of the tributes to become more than just a starving citizen of Panem is to win the Hunger Games and even when they do win, they are still living, albeit more lavishly, by the good graces and according the the dictates of the people of the Capitol.
When we take a look at our world and believe that the only way for women to be equal to men is by emulating them, then we are nothing more than tributes fighting in a game that was not created to have more than one kind of winner. There is no winning of the Feminism/Hunger Games given our current socioeconomic and political arena. What happens over and over is a society successfully pretending to change so that nothing changes. The goal is status quo and the outcome of this game is/has always been predetermined. No matter what decisions you make in this game, you are going to sacrifice something and you will be judged for that. And when one of the most visible and high-profile women in our world is maligned for her choice to be a mother first, no one is winning anything.
Oh, there is definitely a "Feminist Nightmare" out there alright, it is just not to be laid at the feet of this one woman and it is not because of her choice to be a mother. Like Kristen Rowe-Finkbeiner, the founder of MomsRising.com said:
What we need now is a different arena in which to shine this light. We need to change the rules of the game. We need to shake up the status quo and we need to start by placing real value on the roles that women choose to prioritize in their lives.THAT is what I see Michelle Obama doing. I see her taking a leading role in changing the way families look at healthy eating and healthy living. I see her making a difference by addressing issues that matter to all mothers (and really, these should be issues and policies that matter to everyone, like Whitney said... "I believe the children are our future.") FLOTUS is showing the world that there is immense value in being a mother and providing the care and nurturing that is important to the well-being of all families. By doing so, she is also bringing to light the issues of economic security for mothers and women, and how and why this is good for everyone.
Women like Michelle Obama are making it possible for women like me to answer the question, "What do you do for a living?" with a sense of pride and confidence in my own Mom-in-Chief-ness. And I am getting better at answering that question with a straight up, I am a MOM. The thing that irks me the most in all of this is that quite A LOT of people think that my life choices (and Michelle's) are not actually real "choices". That I have made them based on the belief that I have somehow been robbed of my agency and forced to make this terribly un-feminist choice for myself. And therein lies the crux of the issue...
How exactly are women to have agency in a world created BY and FOR men?
The hard truth of the matter is that the patriarchy isn't about to step up anytime soon and suddenly say, "Oh, FEMINISM... I see what you've been trying to say now!" Why would they? The playing field has been forever tipped in their favour. And sure, we'll get a few shots and even score some points now and then, but within the current framework of our culture, our history and our society, it is an unfortunate truth that women, and especially mothers, just can't win.
But that doesn't mean we won't stop fighting.
Because...
The landscape is changing and our time is coming.
natasha~
Somewhere in the world it is "Wine O'clock".
I like wine. Have for a very long time actually. And before I liked wine, I liked Strongbow and before that Traditional Ale and before that (well, to this day, to be perfectly honest) gin and tonic. I even like a few shots of tequila now and then.
Just no sambuca! NEVER, ever, any more sambuca! Or GoldSchlager. That stuff is just wrong.
I've liked booze for a long time. I REALLY liked it one particular year in university that is very much a blur to me and could explain why I just barely passed English Lit. that year (it was an 8 AM class people!).
There was always some kind of alcohol in our house growing up. It was my grandmother's drink. She liked gin. And whisky. And vodka. And beer. And I may have inadvertently sipped a few of her tumblers in my young life having mistaken them for glasses of orange or apple juice.
We also grew up with my very French Godparents who would offer everyone, kids included, an aperitif -a tiny glass of Dubonnet- before dinners at their place. I can remember feeling so grown up sipping that sweet red liquid out of my tiny little glass at these special celebrations.
So, just so we are clear, I like a good drink and have been a social drinker for most of my life.
Why all this booze talk you ask?
Because I have a bit of a rant in me that I must get out.
THIS IS DRIVING ME BATTY!
I can not stand all of the websites, twitter hashtags and chats, Facebook pages, memes, and yes, even books about mothers and their NEED to drink, their REASONS to drink, and all the ways that motherhood seemingly makes women RUSH for a bottle of booze to cope with all of it!
Maybe I am being too sensitive. Or maybe this is just another form of brilliant marketing on the part of the wine makers and sellers of the world. I mean seriously people, there are wines called "Layered Cake" and yes, even one that is actually called "MommyJuice". And let's not forget the "you can drink as much of this as you want because it's called Skinny Girl" creation (which I do also enjoy every now and then).
And these so-called reasons that moms need to drink? The implication is that it is our kids and the daily drudgery of caring for our babies. Of doing laundry and chauffeuring and making lunches and wiping snotty noses and breaking up fights and picking up toys and stepping on teeny tiny Lego pieces and finding glitter glue in our favourite pair of shoes and reading Good Night Moon ONE MORE FREAKING TIME. It is hard some days, that is for sure.
But...
I find the whole idea of marketing booze specifically to the "mommy" crowd condescending and belittling. And yes, I am throwing this beef of mine in there with all the other mommy-fying of words and concepts that the world continues to come up with simply because some women also happen to be mothers (you know my all-time faves - mompreneur and mommy blogger).
I also think this epidemic of memes and the cultural trope that is the frazzled mom and her glass of wine that we see all over the internet sometimes hides a darker underside of self-medication, alcohol dependence and addiction. I also worry about what kind of message this sends to our kids about responsible drinking. Mommy needs her 'special juice' to relax, to get through the day, to DEAL with all of it! What kind of example are we setting when what they see is Mama seemingly using alcohol to blur the lines of reality a bit so that all will be good in the world again.
Hmmm....
I repeat. I LIKE WINE.
I like it with a nice meal. I like it after a long day. I like it while I am sitting in a bubble bath with my special candle burning and some soft music playing. I like it at book club with my ladies while we spend about 15 minutes talking about the book and the other hour and 45 on just about everything else in our lives. I like it while I am sitting at my laptop writing and I like it on beautiful days enjoying my backyard and the view from the comfort of my deck chair.
What I don't like it this feeling that somehow mothers need a reason to have a drink, that we are only drinking our "mommy juice" as a form of coping with the stress of everyday life and not a way of celebrating or even just enjoying our lives. And I especially don't like that for some women who may be excessively drinking and putting their health or the safety of others in danger, all of these memes and Facebook pages and books serve as a way to sanction what could potentially be harmful behaviour.
What it all boils down to is this. The message that I hear in all of these memes and themes of mommy needing booze is that a woman can't just enjoy a nice glass of wine BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT SHE WANTS TO DO. Nope, she has to have a good reason to drink. And it's her children, those evil little beasts of burden, that are just that reason!
And for me, that is just wrong.
Please tell me that I am not the only one who feels this way?
Now....
Where did I put my coffee.....?
Natasha~
Faking it on the playground catwalk!
I have gotten a few comments lately from some of the mamas at the kids school that I always look so put together in the mornings. First off, I'd like to point out that most of these lovely ladies probably haven't had their first coffee yet and therefore they may be slightly groggy and not seeing things straight. And second.... HA! I've fooled them all. Now, I am not a fashion/style blogger by any stretch of the imagination, but man I do love all those pretty, pretty websites. One look at A Beautiful Mess or Adventures in Fashion and I am lost in post after post after post of beautiful photography and happy pictures and gorgeous outfits and I end up pinning and bookmarking for hours!
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Oh HI... SEE! I was a total goner for a bit there.
What was I saying again? Oh yeah...
If there is anything I have learned in all my years dressing myself (remember, I am really OLD), from the ladies of the style blogs and originally from my grandmother, is that one's style does not have to be complicated. And as most of us are moms and busy parents getting our little ones dressed and out the door in the mornings too, I thought I would share a few of my own simple style tips and share my "oh-so-put-together-look" secr.... hahahaha!! Oh, man, I can't even say it without laughing!
But if you really want to know, here's how I do it....
1. One word. Accessorize! I have always been an accessory gal and I have embraced my jewelry drawer (yes, I have a FULL drawer) once again with a zest that makes my husband VERY nervous whenever a new Stella & Dot catalogue comes out! Earrings, necklaces, bracelets, it's all coming out these days! Don't be afraid to jazz up the jeans and t-shirt practical mom uniform with a big chunky necklace or a long chain with charms or a funky cuff bracelet. And EARRINGS! I am obsessed with big dangly earrings (I highly suggest you check out the selection in the above S&D link).
And baby mamas, you are no longer being left out of the jewelry game for fear that your little one with wreck everything. Companies like Chewbeads, MommyNecklaces and KangarooCare on Etsy are providing moms with very fashionable and functional pieces to complement everyone's wardrobe and style!
2. Do not be afraid of colour! It's easy to get into a black/grey/neutral rut with your clothes. Yes, yes, I know, black is slimming and I am not saying get rid of all your black leggings (Ooooh! Remind me to tell you about THE BEST LEGGINGS EVER a bit later!!), but try to avoid the full head to toe black ninja look. Throw on a cardigan in a great colour or a bold scarf to break up the monochrome! Colour is your friend mamas. Trust me!
Even on a cold rainy day at a music festival!
3. Diaper bags have ruined me forever. I can't function without a big purse anymore. Even though I am no longer carrying an extra change of clothes for everyone, wipes, diapers, snacks, crayons, various lego pieces and something unrecognizably sticky at the bottom of it, I still need to have a big bag. And a nice big purse is a FABULOUS accessory! Again, try something in a different colour and move away from the practical black and browns that "go with everything". RED goes with everything. As does yellow, a great turquoise and a funky leopard print too! I am a sucker for the purse aisle at Winners and I do so love the stores that colour code all the bags too.
This is my current carry-all.
4. Make-up. I have a couple of must-put-on products in my make-up drawer and I seriously can't leave the house without them. One is my BB cream. I am currently using this one and it really is a little bit of magic in a tube. Then I add my bronzer and my favourite mascara and I am good to go. This simple routine takes me under 5 minutes to do. A little lip gloss in the car and then I am super fancy!
There you have it. My tips for looking like you're "all put together" on the playground. No one needs to know that you probably haven't had a shower yet or that under that scarf is a jam stain from a little person's sticky breakfast fingers. And here is another little tip from me to you.
Putting on those fancy earrings or that great necklace not only gives your look a boost, it gives you one too. It's something you are doing just for you. So YES, go get those earrings that you think are only for special occasions and wear them today and ROCK that playground!
“I admit it's tempting to wish for the perfect boss, the perfect parent, or the perfect outfit. But maybe the best any of us can do is not quit, play the hand we've been dealt, and accessorize what we've got."
~ Carrie {Sex & the City}
natasha~
P.S. I am smiling in this photo, but not 5 minutes later I was swearing a blue streak because I was 2 minutes late for my parking meter and got a martha-fockerring ticket!
But HOT DAMN, I look good in those earrings!!
P.P.S. Here are the leggings I was talking about! I bought a pair of the 3/4 length ones at Wilde & Sparrow (my favourite store in Parksville) when we were on holidays this summer and have just ordered another high-waist full length pair too!
P.P.S. DISCLAIMER: Not one of the products or stores mentioned in this post has compensated me for mentioning them. When I love something, I love it and I like to share with those who might love it too!
I didn't cry.
Even when this happened right in front of me!
My babies are both going to school.
Their classrooms are in the same hallway,
they see each other at recess and they are out there navigating their world without me.
For a few hours at least.
I am left with feelings of pride, some fear, MUCH love,
and much to my surprise,
very little sadness.
And really, it's just too hard to be sad about something that she is so excited about!
Yay School!!
Natasha~
P.S. I went for a massage this morning. NOT sad about being able to do that!