One more for the road.
The other day I spontaneously started crying in my car on the way home from picking up my oldest from preschool. Why you ask?
Because I have recently come to the realization that I may actually want to have another child.
If you had asked me a year ago if I wanted more kids, I would have said, "No Way Jose! We are done. My next 'babies' are going to be the stunning and perky boobie kind that I get from a plastic surgeon!" And not only that, but my husband has always only wanted two children and we have one of each, so we are good. Right?
Wrong. Here I am, seriously LONGING for another child in our lives. I swear it is to the point that I can literally feel my ovaries popping out eggs every time I am near a baby or a pregnant woman. And in my line of work, that is quite often.
So I've been gingerly trying to bring up the topic with my husband for the past few weeks to gauge his receptiveness to this whole idea. I have dropped little hints every now and then about babies and being pregnant again and of course, being the man that he is, he has remained totally oblivious. So the other night I just said it outright to him.
"Honey, I think I want to have another kid."
And his response was, "WHAT? Are you serious? I thought we were done!!"
It was pretty much what I expected him to say. And then we had a long conversation about what that would mean for us and why he doesn't think it is the best idea. I listened to him and I know that all of his reasons for NOT having another child are good ones and make total sense.
- We will be OUTNUMBERED! A scary thought in and of itself.
- I have to go off of my Rheumatoid Arthritis meds and I have a history of high risk pregnancy.
- I will be a 40 year old woman in 9 months and the risks of having a child with Down's Syndrome goes up rather exponentially at that age (1/75).
- Where would we put the kid?? We are building a three bedroom house (I told him this one doesn't really fly-the kids can share rooms!)
- He was just starting to look forward to 'getting me back'. I know this sounds terrible, but I see where he is coming from. I have been nursing for 4 years, we have been co-sleeping for most of that time as well, and we have not taken a couples only holiday since our first son was conceived in 2006.
He also said something to me that made me really think. He told me that I need to realize that motherhood is not just about being pregnant and breastfeeding and babywearing and all the "baby" stuff. Our kids need me in a different way now and I need to be able to grow-up as a mother, just as much as they are growing up and into little people. (Damn him and his logical, I am making too much sense, brain!)
And when he asked me WHY I felt the need to have another child, all I really had for him was that I just did. I can't explain it rationally, and no, it really does not make a whole lot of sense, but I just FEEL like I am not done yet. And I did not have these feelings a year ago, or even six months ago, but something has changed and it is a deep down gut feeling that we are supposed to do this.
We have not come to a decision just yet. I have asked him that we keep the discussion open and on the table. And he has agreed to that. He really is a good man.
All I can say is that right now I feel like sparklers are shooting out of my pelvic region a la Katy Perry in her Fireworks video every time I am anywhere remotely close to a baby or pregnant mama.
Just stand back a bit....
Natasha~
Every Mother Counts
I don't buy a lot of music these days. It gets downloaded, or watched on YouTube or listened to on one of the many Apple devices that are scattered throughout our home, but I am not doing a lot of going out and buying of an actual CD. Until recently.
And at Starbucks of all places.
A few weeks ago, I picked up the not one but TWO CDs at my local Starbucks coffee shop. The amazing new album from ADELE and another one called Mele O Hawaii (I believe we have already covered my love of Hawaii this week and I needed this one mostly because I was REALLY sick and tired of our six months of dreary winter).
I love both of these CDs and they have quickly become my new in-car listening tunes (Sorry Glee Volumes 1 and 2).
So, when I went to get a coffee earlier this week at a different Starbucks location, I noticed a new CD called Every Mother Counts. And, well, you just have to know that with a title like that, I was going to pick it up. And then seeing names like Ani Difranco and Martha Wainwright and Angelique Kidjo on it.....of course I bought it.
Then I actually got to my car, unwrapped the CD and put it in the player and love, love, LOVED every track on it. I read the album cover and insert and learned more about why this amazing compilation was created and about the cause and the documentary that Christie Turlington has directed and is about to debut on Mother's Day weekend on the Oprah Winfrey Network.
And I was sold. On so much more than just a CD.
Here is the gist for you.
Christy Turlington suffered some pretty serious complications after the birth of her daughter. Luckily, she had a great team of health care professionals who worked quickly to remedy the situation and all ended well. But what she learned after this experience was that for over half a million women worldwide that is NOT the case, and the results are fatal....and 90% of these deaths are completely preventable!
Christy was inspired to make a documentary film about at risk pregnant women around the world and to share their stories, raise awareness of the problems that exist and "help create a mainstream maternal health movement that ensures the lives and well-being of mothers worldwide, for generations to come."
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8F6hngJFGOk&feature=player_embedded]
Birth and motherhood. Two things that are so, so dear to my heart. How could I not want to be involved and get involved in this movement?
So today when Christy tweeted that she wanted pictures of Canadians who had purchased the Every Mother Counts CD, I quickly snapped this and sent it her way.
And she tweeted back to me!! And now, after perusing the whole Every Mother Counts website and reading about the staggering worldwide maternal health statistics, I can't help but think of more ways to get involved and to take action.
I have the CD, which by the way, not only supports the cause, but also features some of the most amazing and talented female singers around (and yes, it has even bumped Glee Volume 3!) and I am now thinking that a local Edmonton Watch Party for "No Woman, No Cry' may be in order.
I am encouraging all of you to take action as well. There are many ways that you can do so and you can find them all here on the Every Mother Counts website.
So Mamas? Can we Count YOU In?
Thank you,
Natasha~
Not a great start to the weekend....
This is a picture of my pillow. I have wanted to be asleep on it since 9:00 AM this morning when I suddenly got hit with a crazy wave of dizziness, nausea and extreme fatigue.
The kids are in bed, the dishes done and now I am about to go to bed too. I really hope I just need some sleep and I am not coming down with the feverish flu illness that I hear is making the rounds.
I apologize for the lame post tonight, but I think my body is trying to tell me something and I had better listen!
Goodnight all, Natasha~
Spring Fever
It is definitely spring in my neck of the woods this week. And to further prove that point, it seems that my mind and my body have gone into full-fledged Spring Fever mode. The result... ....I want another baby!
I think.
I mean I am pretty sure I do. Natural Urban Dad is not so sure. We are not quite on the same page just yet in this regard, either way. I keep telling him that three is the new two and he keeps telling me that he needs us to just settle into our life and not add more stressors to it.
I see his point and I know what he means. For us having babies is not always an easy ride. I have to be off my RA meds, a certain, ahem, device needs to be removed, and then well there is the whole getting pregnant part (fun) and then the pregnancy part (can be fun, but is often not for me).
Add to the equation the fact that I am a soon to be 40 year old woman and the risks that that entails with pregnancy and really it does look like the cards are stacked against me.
Yet still, my heart, my mind and my body yearn for another baby.
Maybe I am just ovulating and have a huge hormone surge happening right now. Or maybe all the oxytocin that has floated around in my system for the last four years of breastfeeding has effectively erased my memories of how tough this job really is.
And maybe, just maybe I am seeing my babies grow up and need me less and less (L refused to let me help her down the stairs today) and that realization, although wonderful for them and their developing little minds, is a bittersweet one for me.
A little delirious with {spring} fever, Natasha~
Friends.
I had the greatest weekend this past week. I went out with three separate and completely different groups of women on three different (and consecutive) nights! For the record, I am pretty sure that has NOT happened in at least 4.5 years, and so yeah, I am kind of bragging too! After my rare weekend of female bonding I got to thinking about women and our friendships with each other and what makes and what breaks these relationships. How is it that we can be BFFs with someone one minute and the next, cut them out of our lives like they never existed? How can we all be in the same boat and yet, so often be willing to toss someone overboard at the slightest misunderstanding? Why do I feel like I really do want to have more close girlfriends, but at the same time I am guarded and cautious with new relationships?
One of my nights out this weekend was for a girlfriend's stagette. I was out with her and a group of women that I have not seen for at least two years. These were the friends that I made when I was a first time mommy and they very quickly became my 'tribe' back then. We all had similar parenting philosophies, our kids where all roughly the same age and we all 'needed' each other. We needed to know that what we were doing was the right thing. Geez, what new mom doesn't need that. We valued and validated each other! And if you did a rewind of my life to three years ago, not a day would go by that I did not talk to one if not all of these women and never a week would go by without at least one big play date for both mommies and babies.
And then something happened....
And to be honest, I can't even remember what it was. Someone said something to someone and it hurt someone else's feelings and then someone gossiped about it to another person and then well, it just got worse and worse. And then there where different camps and if you were on one side it became harder and harder to continue being friends with the other side. And it became next to impossible to hang out with both Person A AND Person B and remain Switzerland.
So my Tribe dissipated, and with it all the support and friendship that I had relied on for over two years. I have managed to hold on to only one of those relationships and the rest I still see occasionally and talk to, but it really is not the same anymore. And even though we all came together and had a fabulous time celebrating our lovely bride-to-be friend last week, there was still an ever-present undercurrent of tension.
Any of this sound familiar to anyone? I feel like I could be talking about any number of female friendship 'break ups'.
Why are women so judge-y? Come on, don't deny it, we ALL judge. We judge each other, ourselves, our 'friends', our friends kids and just about everything else around us. It's the truth. And yes, it is ugly.
Kelly Valen, the author of "The Twisted Sisterhood", said this in an interview, which I think kind of sums it all up.
I think the outward comparisons, judgments, status and one-upmanship games are manifestations of our insecurities -- about whether we fit in and are good enough, or, in fact, better. Many women (and men, too, let's face it) get that little buzz when they know they compare more favorably -- whether it's intellect, beauty, wealth, Martha Stewart-like accomplishment on the home front, whatever.
It's human nature, but can be uniquely intense and painful with other females. If we felt more secure in ourselves and accepted the body and mind we were dealt with at birth rather than looking outside ourselves for valuation all the time, we wouldn't get so caught up in those frantic games.
My other two nights out last weekend were with two groups of women that I have just recently met and started to spend more time with. It is always terrifying for me to go and do new things and meet new people, but I am always amazed by these experiences. I met and got to know some fabulous, strong and beautiful women on both occasions, and I can't help but want to hang out with them again. I really hoped they liked me too (there go those darn insecurities of mine needing validation)!
I really have no answers here, and to be honest, I have had a hard time actually gathering my thoughts on all of this and what it all means. I did however read something else today that kind of stuck with me. It was about how DEEP our friendships are and the different levels that exist and how our friends are categorized. It may sound a bit callous, but I can see how I have lots of Level Four friends, a bunch of Level Three friends, a handful of Level Two friends, and one or two Level One friends.
And maybe this is not a bad thing....
....as long as I remember not to judge any of them, or myself, too harshly.
Natasha~
The Fine Print
There is a lot about motherhood that no one tells you before you start this gig. Of course there is all the usual stuff. You'll never sleep, kids will poop and/or puke at the most inopportune times and life as you know it is never going to be the same. Just remember that you did sign up for this mommy thing!
For those of you who have been at this for a while you may have figured all of this out, but for anyone new to this, here are a few things that you may have missed in the fine print.
- Set all your clocks 1/2 hour ahead of the actual time. Otherwise you will never again be on time for anything in your life (add 15 minutes per child).
- Learn to love your body hair. Time for personal grooming (and even showering) may be very hard to come by!
- Doors lose all of their function when you are a mother. Especially bathroom doors.
- Be prepared to walk out of the grocery store and leave a full cart of food at some point in your toddler's life. AKA-The Mother of all Tantrums!
- Poop comes in all the colors of the rainbow. Don't panic-think about what went in first!
- If you spend 3 hours prepping and then cooking a great meal for your family, understand that A) NO ONE will acknowledge your efforts and B) invariably someone will refuse to eat it!
- Breastfeeding is a fabulous way to lose weight, but understand that "those last 10 pounds" are not going to go until you STOP breastfeeding. So stop beating yourself up about it, understand this and for god's sake keep breastfeeding!
- No matter how many times you and your spouse talk about it, he/she is just NEVER GOING TO UNDERSTAND what being a stay at home parent is like all day, everyday. Learn to accept this (both of you)!
- Sex. Think of it as a grown-up play date and get it in the household schedule. And give it at least as much (preferably more) significance as the swimming lessons, art classes and all the mommy and me programs you have signed up for!
- Know that we are all in this together. When you are having what you think is possibly THE worst day ever because the baby has reflux and has puked on your last clean anything and the toddler just flushed Batman AND Superman down the toilet, just remember that somewhere, some how, another mother is probably having an even worse day. If you happen to know this mama, Email, call, FB message or tweet her and let her know you GET it!
- Deep breathes and counting to ten are essential MOTHERING SKILLS!
All in all it is a pretty darn good gig even with all of the above fine print. And for me at least, it is the moments like this that balance out all the crazies!!
I for one would not trade my life for anything else.
How about you?
Natasha~
P.S. Please feel free to add to the list of items in "The Fine Print"!
Wardrobes and Well Intentions.
I used to watch TLC's 'What Not to Wear' a lot. And I promised myself that I would never be one of those moms that they ambushed on a weekly basis. You know the ones, the "sweat pant wearing, ponytail sporting, UGGs on and out the door" kind.
Oh wait, that is baby C.
Hmmm, I swear I have some hot MILF pictures of me somewhere in iPhoto. Just a minute, I'll be right back....
Well, that was a bust. I can hardly find any pics of me at all, let alone the hot MILF-y ones in my cute outfits. Lots of babies and Daddy ones, but as with most households, I am the one BEHIND the camera more often than not. Natural Urban Dada tries, sometimes, but he really is a bad photographer!! And trying to get one and then two babies to cooperate long enough for the self-timer to kick in, well that is a different story (one with lots of blooper pics)!! I guess you will have to take my word for it.
So here I am. Wife to a hard working man with a great professional wardrobe (that I buy for him of course!) and Mama to a four year old who insists on wearing only his 'cool' shirts and a two year old 'skirt-wearing-regardless-of-the-weather' fashionista. I am a small business owner and sadly also the owner of FAR TOO MANY pairs of Lululemon sweatpants. Which I wear on a regular basis and (don't tell Stacy and Clinton) sometimes out of the house! Okay, okay, I admit it, more than sometimes.
What is it with motherhood? When did 'wick-able' and 'contains 10% spandex' become the new black? And no, Mamas, just because we are paying $90.00 for a pair of sweats, it still does not make them fancy pants! Even if you do get the cute matching hoodie and built-in-bra top too! This is not and should not be our mama uniform. At least not the one we wear out of the house.
Which brings me to a conversation that I had with a friend and fellow mama blogger last night.
How many of you made all kinds of plans and promises to yourself before you had kids and now find yourself doing just the opposite of said best laid plans?
- I will not be the sweat pants Mama...uhm...CHECK
- I will not buy UGGs or where them with skirts or shorts....also CHECK
- I will not let my kids watch too much TV...oops, I forgot about that one.
- I will not bribe, cajole or otherwise do crazy things to get my kids to do what I want, when I want. Well, I can explain that, you see......
- And the list goes on and on...
...you get the point right?
It's one of those life lessons that hits you smack dab in the face.
Motherhood (parenthood) does not follow a plan, no matter how hard you try to make it so.
You really do need to go with the flow and not fight against it. Babies don't know about feeding charts and schedules, they just know when they are hungry. You need to be dressed to accept company after baby is born and nothing is more comfy postpartum than that great pair of Lulus. You do what you have to do stay sane, whether that is letting the kids watch some Treehouse so you can have a moment to yourself, or giving them the chocolate chip cookie BEFORE the chicken parmigiana that you just spent an hour and a half preparing, because that is what it is going to take to get them to eat it!
So I say don't sweat it too much Mamas (hee hee)! Be one with your new 'black'. Try to find your zen within all the chaos of life as a mama and know that plans are just that, and can be altered by you at anytime (without any accompanying guilt, I might add)!
Maybe just limit the trips to the mall in the full Lulu gear get-up! And when all else fails, wear fancy earrings and sexy underwear!!
 |
| You'll have to trust me about the underwear! |
Much love,
F'in Perfect!
I wrote a post last week that seemed to really hit a cord with a lot of people. If you missed it ,you can read it here.
Essentially, I was having a really bad week and feeling quite crappy and needed to just 'let it out' so to speak. Which is one of the big reasons that I have this blog. To let all the crazy, random, sometimes silly, sometimes profound thoughts and conversations I have with myself OUT. I am an emotional person and sometimes I can't quite verbalize my feelings as eloquently as I can when I write them down and so, here I am.
I received quite a few comments and emails and personal Facebook messages from a lot of you and I wanted to thank each and every one of you who did comment or send a message (and those of you who didn't but I know felt the same). You don't know how much I needed to hear that I am indeed NOT alone in feeling sometimes inadequate or ill-equipped for this whole motherhood job!
Here are a few gems that really stuck with me.
Pam wrote this and I could not help but feel better about myself (and not just because of the skin comment!)
"Please try to be happy with who you are - the amazing mama that loves her children more than anything and has a beautiful smile (and great skin that women half your age would kill for)."
....and Shannon wrote this,
"...you are exactly where you are supposed to be at this time and it is your choice on how to perceive that."
....and Allison really got me thinking with this,
"I have been preaching to my daughter from the time she was just a baby that she should never say anything to herself, about herself - aloud or in her head - that she would not say to her best friends. If it is not kind enough to say to a friend you love, then you should never say it to yourself either."
....and Kim actually wrote this post that I think you should read too.
And then I really listened to the lyrics of Pink's new song and saw the video and cried (again! Yoohoo, remember me, Miss Emotional!). And so I am dedicating this to all mothers out there, young and old, vibrant and wise, baking 17 loaves of bread or watching a movie with your kids.
YOU ARE ALL FUCKIN' PERFECT!!
Especially in the eyes of the most important people in the world...your babies.....
Much Love,