I am a tired old mama and I am having a pity party.
Sometimes I wonder at the choices I have made in my life and if I am strong enough to live them.
That statement might give you some indication of the week I am having. Or maybe the month I am having.
I have never been one to really focus on my age. My life really started for me in my thirties. I FOUND myself in my 30s. I found my husband, my career, my happiness in who and what I am and in what I was doing. On Janurary 1, 2011, I turned 39. And here I am, almost out of my thirties, and this year more than any other I am feeling my age.
I guess you would call me a 'late bloomer' in the getting married and having kids gig. I was married at 31, got a dog at 32, had my first child at 34 and my second at 36. And we are done. We have our 'perfect' little family and this old girl really can't imagine having another baby (even though I get some REALLY strong urges just about every day to do just that)!
And here is the thing. When I really start to think about it, and for some reason I am thinking about it a LOT lately, I am WAY older than a lot of the mamas that I hang out with. To the tune of up to 10 years older then some of them. And yes, I know, I should not compare myself to other women, other mothers, others' lives, but let's be real here, WE ALL DO IT! We can't help ourselves.
Social media is a marvelous tool for my personal and business life and also a bane on my existence right now. On Facebook I read about Mama A doing amazing DIY crafts with her kids, Mama B taking her kids to a bajillion different music and dance classes, Mama C baking 17 loaves of bread and teaching her kids how to do fractions at the same time and I can't help but feel like an inadequate and tired old mama while I look over and see my kids watching 'The Lion King' for the tenth time this week.
And now I am crying...
Because I feel like maybe I have cheated my kids. Cheated them from having a younger, stronger and maybe healthier mom. Oh, believe me, I have cried about this before. I can't help it. I imagine the future and wonder what it will be like to be 50 and have teenagers? What about 60 with two kids in university? Will I be around for their weddings or to see my grandchildren? I know that it is useless to wonder about all of this, but like it says above-this is MY pity party and I'll cry if I want to!
I guess I am really just having a bad week. My kids are acting up more than usual. I am still recovering from my hip injury. My husband and I have not had a date night in almost 2 months. And to top it all off, we are likely going to be selling our house in the next few months (more on that in a later post). You know that feeling you get when you have so much to do or so much that you want to do, but you really don't know where or how to start and so you just sort of float through your days not really doing anything??
Yeah, THAT!
It will get better, I know it will, but for now, this month, this WEEK, I feel old and tired and constantly just trying to get through my days.
Please tell me I am not alone in this....
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| Me. Unplugged. So to speak... |
Parenting and the things that never occured to me.
I have had two winter babies, born in Northern Alberta. One was 4 lbs when we brought him home. If anyone had a reason to stay indoors for 4 months while the snow piled up outside, it was me. But I couldn't. We were in the midst of building our new house and our little bundle would come with me to visit the site, visit home stores, lighting stores, and you name it, my little man came with me. We had our Cuddly wrap and our ring sling and of course the carseat and it just did not occur to us NOT to bring him with us wherever we went.
I think a lot of my parenting decisions have been like that.....it just did not occur to me to do otherwise.
Take breastfeeding. Maybe it was because we knew we would be having a preemie and being on bed rest for two months, I did a lot of reading about the subject. Preemies NEED breastmilk. Not to sound all cliche, but it really is liquid gold. I pumped every 3 hours 24 hours a day for the two weeks he was in NICU and refused to let any of the nursing staff supplement my child with any kind of formula. And this was before I even really knew a whole lot about formula and formula companies. It just did not occur to me to do otherwise and maybe I was one of the lucky ones, but not one health care professional ever told me that I needed to supplement him with or speed up his weight gain with formula. Even when he was being tube fed, it was with my pumped colostrum and breast milk.
Was it easy? Hell NO! I could post a picture of just how big my boob was compared to his head, but I'll just let you imagine it (think cantaloupe VS orange). We had latch issues, my let-down was to much for him, he needed to nurse every 1.5 hours and the list goes on and on. But, we persevered and eventually had a beautiful 3 year nursing relationship. What happened during this time was that I learned a lot, about myself and about breastfeeding. And as the saying goes, "When you know better, you do better." I don't think I did all that bad with my first baby, but I can honestly say that with my 2nd, I have NEVER had any issues with breastfeeding.
Before she was born, I learned about baby-led latch, upright or postural breastfeeding positions and even more about the benefits of babywearing for our breastfeeding relationship. And I never knew it could be this good!! Honestly, I have never had a cracked nipple, a yeast infection or mastitis, or a baby who refuses to nurse. I fed my baby on demand, no schedule, no timers, and when and where ever she needed. It just never occurred to me to do otherwise.
Babywearing was the same thing. I knew how important kangaroo care was for my son and having his tiny little body sleeping or nursing or just hanging out on my body was a normal part of our days. Maybe I lucked out a bit ending up with a sling and wrap (as opposed to a Bjorn or Snugli), but we fell into babywearing relatively easily and have never looked back. I found having my babies on me more convenient than not and hardly used all of the other baby paraphernalia that we had purchased. (I can seriously count on one hand the amount of times we used our play yard thing). Babywearing was like that for me too, it never occurred to me to do otherwise.
The thing is, I could go on and on about a lot of these baby barriers that we face, things that we have been told will be too hard, take to much time, are way too complicated.... And the point of this post is this: Why, oh why, do so many moms struggle with this? Who are the people that feed all those fears?
I realize that this post is kind of a rant, but so be it. Mamas, here is what I want! I want you to TRUST yourself and your mothering instincts, do what YOU think is best and right for your child, and don't let all those people talking about what you should be doing or not doing get to you. Don't have regrets, just educate yourself, seek help and expertise where you can and then next time around, when you know better, you will do better and it will never occur to you to do otherwise!!
Natasha~
Winners of My Favourite Things Day 4 - Modern Mama
Hello everyone and I am so sorry for the delay. Yeesh!! Christmas is in three days! How did that sneak up on me so fast? I still have so much wrapping to do! And now, in the spirit of giving and thank you so much to Connie Peters from Modern Mama the lucky winners of the three Modern Mama Membership Perks Cards are:
Check your emails ladies,
Connie will be contacting you shortly to send you your cards and we will see you at the next fabulous Modern Mama event!
30 Days of Truth - Day Three: Something I have to forgive myself for.
I have been pondering this post for a few days now and writing it and re-writing it in my head. You are probably wondering, why? What is so hard about this one, well trust me-these are all kind of hard... The truth is HARD. Hard to admit and often times very hard to face.
Here is some background that you are going to need. My almost 4 year old son and I are having 'issues'. I am sure it is all related to the fact that, a) He is 4 years old and stubborn and bossy and, b) I am 38 years old and stubborn and bossy. Ah, yes, it is very apparent at times like this that he is indeed my son. He does not like being told what to do, even if the very thing he is being told to do is exactly what he NEEDS to do at that moment (think pee, eat, sleep).
Then you add me and my flaws and well, it can get messy. I am not a patient person. I like things done when I ask and that is that. Repeating myself over and over and over and over and over and over and.....(are you getting the picture?), well that just drives me completely insane.
So along comes Monday morning this week and wow, it was a doozie! First, he did not want to get out of bed, then it was a fight to get him to go pee and then IT happened. Somehow he has it in his head that if he does not touch the toilet while he is peeing, then he does not need to wash his hands. This is NOT the rule in our house. The rule is, you go to the bathroom, you wash your hands-END OF STORY!! Always has been and always will.
He refused to wash his hands, I insisted, he refused, I reiterated the RULE, he refused again and again and again. At which point I LOST IT!! There I was repeating myself over and over, like some modern version of Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest, "Wash your hands, wash your hands, wash your hands, WASH YOUR HANDS!!!"
....and then I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and lost it on a whole other level. What I saw in that mirror was not pretty. I saw this ugly, red-faced, crazy woman SCREAMING at her child, who was cringing and afraid (and I don't blame him, because I scared myself too.) I immediately left the room, went and sat down and proceeded to bawl my freakin' eyes out.
I kept thinking in my head, what am I doing? What kind of image and message is this sending to my kid? Am I scarring him forever? What is MY problem? Why can't I figure out a better way to communicate with him? And so I cried, I gave in, I just let those rough waves of motherhood wash over me, pull me under and make me feel like giving up. My husband came in to check on me at that point and I said the words, "I can't do this anymore." I am not sure exactly what I meant, but I was DONE at that very moment. No more mama juice, out of gas, next station 225 miles from here!!
But of course that can't happen. So I picked myself up, revved my mama engine on the fumes that I had left and headed out to have breakfast with everyone. By this point I was all nice and puffy-eyed and sniffling from all the sobbing and not one to let anything slip, DS looks at me, big eyes and a big smile on his face and says:
"Mommy, are you crying? Why are you crying?"
LIKE THE LAST 15 MINUTES DID NOT JUST HAPPEN!!
Seriously, he was genuinely oblivious as to why I was upset and was obviously not in the least way suffering any ill effects from my psychotic outburst.
The problem I am having is that I am suffering. I remember what I looked like while I was screaming at my child. I saw the fear in his face (even for a few milliseconds) and made him cry. And I don't want to be that mom. The one who can't control her anger, who doesn't recognize when she needs a time out and not the other way around and so I really feel that I have to figure out a way to forgive myself for this incident. It is an easy thing to say and a very hard thing to do. No one sets out to mess up their kids, but in the end we all have some kind of mommy issues right?
Ack!!
Alright. I, Natasha, forgive myself for losing it on my kid and scaring the pants off of both of us! I can't promise it won't happen again, but I do promise to do better, to know my limits, recognize his limits, take my time-outs and realize that he is only 4 years old and not out to intentionally drive me crazy (at least not yet)!
And after a tough day like that, the best thing I can think of to help is some closeness and babywearing-no matter how old said 'baby' is!!
Natasha~
I am not the mama I want to be today....
We all have those day right? (PLEASE tell me I'm right). Those days when everything that can go wrong just does and no matter how many times you count to ten, your patience is run out. I have had a few of those days lately, not something I am proud of, but you know what, something I am strong enough to admit.
Fall is one of those seasons that I have a love/hate relationship with.
I LOVE the changing leaves, the crispness in the air and the colors that go with Fall (I am a green, brown, orange kind of gal). But I HATE the shorter days, and less and less sun. And if you have been in Alberta this summer, we have not had a whole lot of sun to begin with! I think I might suffer from a touch of seasonal affective disorder and every late September and October I feel like LIFE in general sometimes gets the best of me.
So, yeah, I've been yelling at my kids more than I want to, swearing more than I usually do and just generally not being the mama that I want to be or know that I am. It becomes even more important during these times for me to make sure that I am taking time for me, and doing all that I can to ensure that I don't let myself get overwhelmed with being a mom, a wife, a business owner, a chef, a chauffeur, a laundress, etc......
I must remember to breath, to know when Mama needs a time out (which is often the case) and know that a bad day is just that, one DAY and tomorrow is another day and hopefully a much better one at that.
How about you Mamas, how do you handle your less than stellar days as a parent? Really, any tips will be greatly appreciated and likely put to the test!
Just Breathe, Natasha~
Breastfeeding Thoughts: A Letter to my Kids
Welcome to The Breastfeeding Cafe Carnival!This post was written as part of The Breastfeeding Cafe's Carnival. For more info on the Breastfeeding Cafe, go to www.breastfeedingcafe.wordpress.com. For more info on the Carnival or if you want to participate, contact Claire at clindstrom2 {at} gmail {dot} com. Today's post is about breastfeeding thoughts. Please read the other blogs in today's carnival listed below and check back for more posts July 18th through the 31st!
My dearest son and daughter,
This is MOmmmeeee here. I thought I would write you both a letter to express what I have been feeling lately. Mommy has just finished two weeks of writing about our breastfeeding experiences and it has made me think a lot about this time we have had (and still have, my little lady) together.
For you my son, I would like to thank you. Thank you for teaching me patience, the kind that you need to have at 2 o'clock in the morning and you are a brand new mommy trying to nurse a premature baby who technically should still be in the womb and is having a hard time 'getting' this whole breastfeeding thing. Thank you for learning to sign "MILK" so early, so I would always know exactly what you wanted and when! Thank you for showing me the kind of mommy that I was meant to be, one who listens to her child and knows his needs (versus-all the nay-sayers and 'schedulers' and 'baby-trainers') and one who is willing to go with the flow of motherhood and let it take us to where we are naturally meant to be. My little man, you and I shared EXACTLY three years of breastfeeding and I would not trade one of those 1095 days for anything else.
To my daughter, my little me. You are a lucky, lucky girl. Your big brother paved a very nice path for you. Despite all the concerns everyone had, including me, about Mommy having another baby - YOU were and are perfect! And because of what I learned with your brother, you are getting a much calmer and a much more confident Mommy. Your brother showed me the kind of mommy I was meant to be and you, my dear are honing my skills. I am a better breastfeeding mommy, a better babywearing mommy, a better EC'ing mommy and....well, I am just better. You were my sensitive baby, my never-could-I put-you-down baby, my mama's girl and that was OK, because I was a better mommy. You still are my baby girl, even though you are growing every day, saying new words and sentences, figuring out your puzzles and games with your brother. I don't think I knew it before, but I am sure now that I needed you to be the 'needy' one. And I love that you can now ask for all the great things that we have done and continue to do together, like "Mommy nurse?" and "Mommy piggy back?"
Nursing both of you has been one of the highlights of motherhood for me. It makes me feel special, even though it is the most natural of our mothering instincts, and for that I can't thank you enough. I have written here about our time of nursing and I hope that through our experiences or maybe because some other mommy saw us nursing or read about it that the three of us can be an example and encourage others to seek the joys that we have known together.
I hope that one day you read this and know how special and wonderful you both are and that you have made me a MOTHER in more ways that I can say.
I love you forever,
Mommy~
Here are more posts by the Breastfeeding Cafe Carnival participants! Check back because more will be added throughout the day.
Amy @ Anktangle—just ONE thing
Sylko @ Chaotic Mama—Breastfeeding Carnival: The World
Timbra @ Bosoms & Babes—Ho Hum EXTRAordinary
Shelly @ Lousy Mom—What does breastfeeding mean?
Renee @ Just the 5 of us!—Amazing
Claire @ The Adventures of Lactating Girl—The Best Start Possible
Lisa R.D @ Harper Hoorahs—It's More Than Just the Milk
Sarah @ Most Revealing—One thing
Natasha @ naturalurbanmama—Breastfeeding Thoughts: A Letter to my Kids
Kimberly @ Monkey Tales Mama Thoughts—Do You Remember?
Mamapoekie @ Authentic Parenting—Breastfeeding: What It Means To Me
And of course the guest poster on the Breastfeeding Cafe’s Blog today is Marilee Poulson—The Normal Course of Breastfeeding
Nighttime Parenting and Nursing: I really just want to sleep!
Welcome to The Breastfeeding Cafe Carnival! This post was written as part of The Breastfeeding Cafe's Carnival. For more info on the Breastfeeding Cafe, go to www.breastfeedingcafe.wordpress.com. For more info on the Carnival or if you want to participate, contact Claire at clindstrom2 {at} gmail {dot} com. Today's post is about nighttime parenting and nursing. Please read the other blogs in today's carnival listed below and check back for more posts July 18th through the 31st!
I have not had 8 hours of sleep in a row for FOUR years. I am not lying. I probably wouldn't know what to do with myself with that much sleep! For us, and on some nights, nighttime parenting has been just as busy as daytime parenting-at least from a nursing perspective.
We are kind of a part-time co-sleeping family. We co-slept with our son until he was about 4 months old, had a month of bliss when he was actually sleeping for 6 hour stretches in his own bed and then it all went to pot again and he has refused to sleep by himself ever since. (A reminder to you all--he is 3.5 years old) I nursed him to sleep from the beginning and according to all the 'books' that was my first mistake. I also kept nursing him throughout the night well into his second year, much to the dismay of people who kept telling me he really didn't 'need' to nurse at night anymore. My husband and I switched roles at times so that he could take over all night-time parenting, and we would try to night-wean our son. This would work for a few days or weeks, but then something would always bring us back to nursing and sleeping with him. I read book after book on how to get my child to sleep (well, everything short of Ferber that is--I refused to do any form of Cry It Out strategies). I probably gave up on all the different strategies too soon, but damn it I really just wanted to SLEEP! And so to make everyone happy, I would nurse him and we would all go back to sleep.
He is still not a great sleeper. He gets scared in his room all by himself and wants one of us to come and sleep with him. And we do it, and I will tell you why.
He is THREE years old! He is our child and he needs us-to comfort him, to feel safe and to snuggle. I am not so naive to think that these feelings and needs are going to last forever (I can just picture the DO NOT ENTER sign on his teenage bedroom door in the future) and neither my husband nor I want to look back on these years and say, 'Man, I wish I had just been with him more when he needed me."
My daughter is now 22 months old and is a better sleeper. We did not technically co-sleep with her IN our bed, but rather beside it in her bassinet. I did learn to let her self soothe a bit more than I did with my son and it shows. She can be put down in her bed awake and will fall into a nice slumber all on her own. But...she is still up at least once or twice a night. She calls for me in the dark and I can't deny her that extra hug, that few seconds on the breast that lets her know that I am only a few steps away. I know that nursing her at night has no real nutritional value for her, but I nurse my kids for a whole lot more than just nutrition. I nurse them to comfort them, to nurture them, to soothe them and to help them sleep. And you know what, I'm OK with that.
I am not having any more kids. These two little humans are my only babies and I will keep them close to me for as long as possible, nurse them as long as they need to and do it NIGHT and day if need be. That is all folks.
Sleep well ;) Natasha~
P.S. I did NOT sleep well last night and neither did DS-up grand total of 5 times--it is not always what I want, but life is what it is. Time for COFFEE!!
Here are more posts by the Breastfeeding Cafe Carnival participants! Check back because more will be added throughout the day.
- Sylko @ Chaotic Mama—Breastfeeding Carnival: Nighttime Nursing
- Emily @ Baby Dickey—Nighttime Nursing & Parenting
- Timbra @ Bosoms & Babes—Will we ever sleep again?
- Lexi @ Life As A Mommy—Night Shift
- Kate @ KateIsFun—Nighttime Parenting & Nursing
- Kaitlin Rose @ Bring Birth Home—How I Parent & Nurse at Night
- Shelly @ Lousy Mom—How do I sleep this early
- Lauren @ Hobo Mama—Nighttime parenting and the right attitude
- Natasha @ naturalurbanmama—Nighttime Parenting and Nursing: I really just want to sleep!
- Claire @ The Adventures of Lactating Girl—Co-sleeping and Breastfeeding to Function
- Kimberly @ Monkey Tales Mama Thoughts—Breastfeeding, Co-sleeping & Nightweaning, oh my!
- And of course the guest poster on the Breastfeeding Cafe’s Blog today is Jasmine Jafferali—Jasmine Jafferali
Mommy, you have a big booty shack!!!
This is my son's favourite thing to say to me these days! He is at that 'oh, so wonderful' age of 3.5 years old when he is REALLY discovering his world and all the sights, sounds and smells that go along with it. And because he is 3.5 years old, he also talks about whatever it is he is thinking or seeing or smelling or discovering incessantly. It is an amazing time for him and for us, but can also be a very embarrassing time for us as well--like at Starbucks a few weeks ago, when he LOUDLY pointed out that another mommy had a VERY big booty shack, as I slowly tried to slide under the table and avoid all eye contact with anyone! All this brings me to the reason for this post. In another of his very observatory moments, this morning as I was getting dressed he pointed out that my underwear did not cover my bum, aka, the booty shack. I was wearing a pair of Hanky Panky underwear and he wanted to know why it did not cover my bum? Well, YOU try to explain thong underwear to a 3.5 year old!!
So this whole situation got me thinking about underwear and how my needs, likes, and general comfort level have changed since having kids. Pre-babies I was a Hanky Panky only girl--damn the $24/pair price tag, I needed to have them and in every color too! And why not, they are one size fits all, NEVER show a panty line and are THE most comfortable thong panty out there. And if you believe that the picture to the right is my bum.....then yes, it absolutely is.
And then I got pregnant with my son. And for the most part Hanky Panky's are a great maternity panty. Because of the stretchy lace, they easily accommodate the changing and growing body (and bum!) of a pregnant woman. So for baby number one, I managed to avoid going the route of the ridiculously HUGE maternity underwear and risk losing ANY and all sex appeal I could still muster up during that time.
Fast forward to 35 weeks pregnant and for some reason, NO ONE told me about the whole lochia thing until about a day or two before my son was born (we had a weekend to prepare for an early induction on a Monday), so there I was at Zellers on a Sunday afternoon looking for some cheap granny panties that I could just scrap after the 'after' stuff was all done. I found a nice 6 pack of Fruit of the Looms that served their purpose for a good six weeks and then were summarily trashed!! And it was right back to the Hanky Panky's thank you very much.
I was pregnant with my daughter 14 months later and again wore them throughout most of my pregnancy--now I say most because, again, unbeknown to me at the time, having 2 babies in less than 22 months can do things to your body that you were not expecting! I am talking about HEMORRHOIDS here people!!! Those darn little grape like protrusions that were not there before! And let me tell you, hemorrhoids and Hanky Panky's (or any thong underwear for that matter) DO NOT mix!! So I gave in and got me some not so huge Bravado panties that were not too ugly. Around that time I also discovered a line of Jockey underwear that has become a new staple in my undies drawer. The NO Panty Line Promise, Modern Brief. These do all the things I like about Hanky Panky's (stretchy, no lines, sit low on the waist) AND they cover my bum.
So skip forward a year and a half later. The hemorrhoids are no longer a problem (and for those of you who are pregnant and reading this and have this particular issue, all I can say is - TUCK's wipes my friends!!). Sadly, I have to admit that the days of my exclusivity to the Hanky Panky's thong are over. I wear a mix of underwear these days and some days a nice pair of cotton hipster undies is what a girl needs. If only to keep the 'big booty shack' comments to a minimum.....
How about you? How do you cover (or not) your booty shack?
Natasha~
P.S. I have in no way received any compensation from Hanky Panky, Jockey or Fruit of the Loom for the above mentions. Although if anyone knows someone who works for them and thinks that they would like to compensate me, then please pass this on!! :)