I love my twitter stream....
Because I find hashtags like #MAKERSchat, that take me to the most inspiring, frustrating, idealistic, political and personal piece of television I have ever seen! I just spent the last 151 minutes watching Makers: Women who make America, and I highly recommend you watch it too. Download the video from iTunes, catch it again on PBS, find a friend who saved it on her PVR.
Just watch it.
It is our story, the story of women, the story that is not over...
[youtube]http://youtu.be/OOBo4hnk2g0[/youtube]
That my dears, is my silver lining for today (#16).
Good night my sisters!
Natasha~
this side of pro-choice
***Trigger warning: The following post covers the topic of abortion.
Please be aware of this while reading and sharing.***
** It also comes with some book spoilers too.**
I am part of a book club. Really, who isn't these days?
We are a bunch of women from all walks of life that meet once every 6-8 weeks and drink wine and eat chocolate and cheese and yes, we even discuss books!
This past week was Book Club Week and I was especially looking forward to it, because, 1) I really needed a night out and said wine and chocolate and 2) I actually finished this month's book choice a whole week ahead of time.
The book was Caitlin Moran's half autobiography, half feminist manifesto, "How to be a Woman". And if you haven't read it already, then I highly recommend you get yourself in the queue for the e-book from your local library ASAP! (See what I did there? Talking like a Brit. QUEUE!)
I am not going to lie, I really LOVED this book. It has already inspired this post a few weeks ago and after the many discussions had at book club last week, I can't help but write even more.
Once we had all settled in with our wine and chocolate and a hand-full of mini Licorice Allsorts (SCORE!!), it was time to get the formal discussion part of the night underway. I wasn't surprised that the first question, "Do you consider yourself a feminist?", caused some in the room to hesitate with an answer. I think the definition of feminism (we had the 39-page Wikipedia print out) has undergone so many waves and permutations that most women are confused by its meaning and as such find it hard identifying with it as part of who they are. This was a good a place as any to get the discussion going and go it did!
And while the topic of feminism and it's definition generated a lot of good idea sharing and clarification for some, the one chapter that got the most air time and perhaps evoked the most emotion in all of us, was Caitlin's very candid, brutally honest chapter on abortion.
I had to read this chapter twice to really absorb it and to understand what she was trying to say in it. It is a touchy subject, no matter how you frame it and Caitlin forced me to reexamine my views on the subject from all angles. All I could think of afterwards was how much respect I had for this woman. Caitlin writes that in the few minutes after she learns of the pregnancy, the minutes that pass in which she imagines this baby, this boy's whole life, she says:
"I can't have you," I tell him sadly. "The world will fall in if I have you."
She goes on to describe her abortion in detail and also how easy this decision was for her to make. Some in my group saw this as narcissistic and selfish, and I would suspect they thought it very unmotherly of her. Everyone around the room claimed to be pro-choice, but a lot of them had a very hard time with the way that she described her unborn child, the abortion itself, and the speed with which Caitlin made her choice to have one.
But I got it.
And when I was reading this chapter all I could think about was two years ago, when B and I were discussing whether or not to have another child (also known as me insisting that I "had a feeling that I wasn't done" and him telling me that he didn't have it in him again), HE got it too. Way before I did.
..........
I believe that as mothers, we are programmed (and to varying extents, expected) to give and give and give. We have a child and all of a sudden the weight of the world is literally on our shoulders and God forbid you have an unmotherly thought in your mind or do something that does not fully acknowledge you as the self-sacrificing martyr that you somehow have now become. Sometimes we lose sight of how much of ourselves we are constantly giving. That for some it gets to the point that we are no longer happy, no longer fulfilled, feeling resentment, suffering in silence from anxiety and depression and just going through the motions of our lives. Why do we do this to ourselves? There is no prize for who sacrificed the most, who is the most giving, who loses themselves the most in this gig.
So why on earth would we ever tell a woman that all zygotes conceived must be born, or that she should not have that choice, especially if it indeed does mean that her world will fall in?
One of the mamas in our club said that the reason she wanted to have three children was because she wanted that sense of happy chaos in her family and not just the easiness of two kids. I understood what she meant, but her comments gave me pause and got me thinking more about this.
Who decides what level of chaos is "happy" for any family?
For some that may be three children, for others it is one child, for others still it may be 5 or 6, or if you are the Duggars it is 20+. Whatever your number is, what is important is that YOU know what that threshold is, that you know your capacity for love, for giving, for, as Caitlin so aptly puts it, "...being life support to someone who weeps for me and rages against me..." Because when it comes down to it, no matter how much we are told that it is, that capacity is NOT without its limits and without sacrificing something in return.
I left this chapter with a new understanding of what pro-choice means to me. It is not just about choosing to have an abortion or not, it is about choosing a life that is versus a life that may be. I have a deep respect for Caitlin and all other women like her, who are strong enough to make a choice that says, "THIS. This is all the family that I WANT, all that I NEED and I simply can not do more than this." Her words and her story and her ease with which she made her decision, a decision based on her threshold for keeping her world together, keeping herself whole and sane, and made with no guilt or shame, made it very clear to me that so many of our choices in life (and especially in motherhood) are not made like that.
Last week Annie at Phd in Parenting took a closer look at the issue of choice and why it is seen as stalling feminism these days. The one line in her post that struck me the most was when she said,
"Shame is a barrier to social change, in feminism and in many other spaces."
And this is what was bothering me that night at book club. I was in the minority in my feelings about Caitlin's chapter and opinions on abortion and I couldn't understand why. Then I read Annie's post and it hit me, the other women in the room did not feel that Caitlin showed enough shame or guilt about her decision. That she was too flippant about it. That is was callous of her to describe this child and imagine his life, knowing full well that he was never to be born. The problem was that everyone was thinking about the potential child in this situation and not the ACTUAL WOMAN LIVING HER LIFE RIGHT NOW, who showed no shame in her decision and made it with a certainty that made a lot of people uncomfortable.
And then, two more very important questions and issues arose for me that night that I am realizing are quite complex and quite possibly rooted in some deep, deep patriarchy.
Why do we always question (and judge) the motives of a woman's decisions when it comes to her body and those she brings forth from it?
AND
Why are decisions made out of love (and knowledge) of ourselves as women and mothers almost always seen as inherently selfish?
I would love to hear what you have to say on this.
Natasha~
this side of pro-choice
***Trigger warning: The following post covers the topic of abortion.
Please be aware of this while reading and sharing.***
** It also comes with some book spoilers too.**
I am part of a book club. Really, who isn't these days?
We are a bunch of women from all walks of life that meet once every 6-8 weeks and drink wine and eat chocolate and cheese and yes, we even discuss books!
This past week was Book Club Week and I was especially looking forward to it, because, 1) I really needed a night out and said wine and chocolate and 2) I actually finished this month's book choice a whole week ahead of time.
The book was Caitlin Moran's half autobiography, half feminist manifesto, "How to be a Woman". And if you haven't read it already, then I highly recommend you get yourself in the queue for the e-book from your local library ASAP! (See what I did there? Talking like a Brit. QUEUE!)
I am not going to lie, I really LOVED this book. It has already inspired this post a few weeks ago and after the many discussions had at book club last week, I can't help but write even more.
Once we had all settled in with our wine and chocolate and a hand-full of mini Licorice Allsorts (SCORE!!), it was time to get the formal discussion part of the night underway. I wasn't surprised that the first question, "Do you consider yourself a feminist?", caused some in the room to hesitate with an answer. I think the definition of feminism (we had the 39-page Wikipedia print out) has undergone so many waves and permutations that most women are confused by its meaning and as such find it hard identifying with it as part of who they are. This was a good a place as any to get the discussion going and go it did!
And while the topic of feminism and it's definition generated a lot of good idea sharing and clarification for some, the one chapter that got the most air time and perhaps evoked the most emotion in all of us, was Caitlin's very candid, brutally honest chapter on abortion.
I had to read this chapter twice to really absorb it and to understand what she was trying to say in it. It is a touchy subject, no matter how you frame it and Caitlin forced me to reexamine my views on the subject from all angles. All I could think of afterwards was how much respect I had for this woman. Caitlin writes that in the few minutes after she learns of the pregnancy, the minutes that pass in which she imagines this baby, this boy's whole life, she says:
"I can't have you," I tell him sadly. "The world will fall in if I have you."
She goes on to describe her abortion in detail and also how easy this decision was for her to make. Some in my group saw this as narcissistic and selfish, and I would suspect they thought it very unmotherly of her. Everyone around the room claimed to be pro-choice, but a lot of them had a very hard time with the way that she described her unborn child, the abortion itself, and the speed with which Caitlin made her choice to have one.
But I got it.
And when I was reading this chapter all I could think about was two years ago, when B and I were discussing whether or not to have another child (also known as me insisting that I "had a feeling that I wasn't done" and him telling me that he didn't have it in him again), HE got it too. Way before I did.
..........
I believe that as mothers, we are programmed (and to varying extents, expected) to give and give and give. We have a child and all of a sudden the weight of the world is literally on our shoulders and God forbid you have an unmotherly thought in your mind or do something that does not fully acknowledge you as the self-sacrificing martyr that you somehow have now become. Sometimes we lose sight of how much of ourselves we are constantly giving. That for some it gets to the point that we are no longer happy, no longer fulfilled, feeling resentment, suffering in silence from anxiety and depression and just going through the motions of our lives. Why do we do this to ourselves? There is no prize for who sacrificed the most, who is the most giving, who loses themselves the most in this gig.
So why on earth would we ever tell a woman that all zygotes conceived must be born, or that she should not have that choice, especially if it indeed does mean that her world will fall in?
One of the mamas in our club said that the reason she wanted to have three children was because she wanted that sense of happy chaos in her family and not just the easiness of two kids. I understood what she meant, but her comments gave me pause and got me thinking more about this.
Who decides what level of chaos is "happy" for any family?
For some that may be three children, for others it is one child, for others still it may be 5 or 6, or if you are the Duggars it is 20+. Whatever your number is, what is important is that YOU know what that threshold is, that you know your capacity for love, for giving, for, as Caitlin so aptly puts it, "...being life support to someone who weeps for me and rages against me..." Because when it comes down to it, no matter how much we are told that it is, that capacity is NOT without its limits and without sacrificing something in return.
I left this chapter with a new understanding of what pro-choice means to me. It is not just about choosing to have an abortion or not, it is about choosing a life that is versus a life that may be. I have a deep respect for Caitlin and all other women like her, who are strong enough to make a choice that says, "THIS. This is all the family that I WANT, all that I NEED and I simply can not do more than this." Her words and her story and her ease with which she made her decision, a decision based on her threshold for keeping her world together, keeping herself whole and sane, and made with no guilt or shame, made it very clear to me that so many of our choices in life (and especially in motherhood) are not made like that.
Last week Annie at Phd in Parenting took a closer look at the issue of choice and why it is seen as stalling feminism these days. The one line in her post that struck me the most was when she said,
"Shame is a barrier to social change, in feminism and in many other spaces."
And this is what was bothering me that night at book club. I was in the minority in my feelings about Caitlin's chapter and opinions on abortion and I couldn't understand why. Then I read Annie's post and it hit me, the other women in the room did not feel that Caitlin showed enough shame or guilt about her decision. That she was too flippant about it. That is was callous of her to describe this child and imagine his life, knowing full well that he was never to be born. The problem was that everyone was thinking about the potential child in this situation and not the ACTUAL WOMAN LIVING HER LIFE RIGHT NOW, who showed no shame in her decision and made it with a certainty that made a lot of people uncomfortable.
And then, two more very important questions and issues arose for me that night that I am realizing are quite complex and quite possibly rooted in some deep, deep patriarchy.
Why do we always question (and judge) the motives of a woman's decisions when it comes to her body and those she brings forth from it?
AND
Why are decisions made out of love (and knowledge) of ourselves as women and mothers almost always seen as inherently selfish?
I would love to hear what you have to say on this.
Natasha~
motherhood mountaineering
Why is it that every few months someone gets it in their head to go on a rant against motherhood? It's as if these people forget that they actually have mothers and in most cases are themselves mothers too. This week's target was none other than 'the mommy blogger'. Her crime you ask? Taking feminism a step back because she has discovered a hidden talent for making crafts out of paint swatches or finding the best homemade organic baby food mix for her fussy little eater and subsequently blogging about it.
In her Huffpo piece this past week, Amana Manori of The Purple Fig says that the problem (as she sees it) is this:
"... many of these blogs perpetuate gender stereotypes and generalize female behaviour. Intentionally or unintentionally, many mommy bloggers do one of two things. First, many mommy bloggers may be living very fulfilling and well-rounded lives that you don't get to see through their blogs. However, when all they talk about is such things as making homemade organic-only baby food, they disregard these other aspects of their lives resulting in a partial portrayal of motherhood.
On the flip side, it is true that some mommy bloggers are solely occupied with such tasks as canning baby food yet; their blogs suggest their lives are deeply fulfilling and they wouldn't want to be doing anything else. This type of blog not only perpetuates the false notion that women are only happy to be in the home and would prefer to spend their days fussing over things related to the house; but also, inadvertently isolates other mothers who don't measure up."
To me this sounds like nothing more than another mom feeling some kind of inadequacy in her life and looking for someone else to blame for that. Oh and for page views, she wraps it all up with keywords like anti-feminism. Correct me if I am wrong but anyone who starts a post with the words, "I consider myself a feminist." and then proceeds to condemn other women for their choices, seems to me, decidedly NOT very feminist.
Aside from that though, let's consider her argument for a minute. Is it really so bad to fully immerse oneself into a new position or role? Would we expect anything less from someone in the workforce starting a new job, or managing a new project? Why, oh why, are mothers {and specifically the stay-at-home type} always put into a completely different (undervalued, yet overly judged) category than anyone else, male or female?
Think about it. No other group or subsection of society has so much scrutiny placed on them, so much pressure to NOT SCREW THINGS UP, than mothers. From the moment of conception, everything we eat, everything we do to ourselves is up for comment and general concern. That is a lot of pressure folks! And even if you do manage to DO everything perfectly, eat all the right foods, take all the right vitamins, rest, work out, whatever, none of that is a guarantee that something won't go wrong.
And then you give birth (in whatever way is best for you or you know the most about) to this new little human. And the pressure mounts and life as you have known it, changes forever. Having done this twice, I have this to say to Ms. Manori, YES, everything I was before that moment, the woman I was, Natasha A.B. (ante-baby), flew right out the window.
And then I became MORE.
I became a true citizen of the earth, with newfound cares and thoughts for more than just me and my life and comforts. I will be the first to admit that before I had kids I was selfish. I lived my life for me and my concern for others was not as great. I had the tunnel vision of a lot of DINC (double income no children), upwardly mobile thirty-somethings. Yes, my husband and I were planning for a family, but we had things on our bucket list to check off first and even then, we really did not think that life would be that much different once kids entered the picture. He would take a few weeks off, I would go back to work after six months and life would be peachy keen.
HA!
Having a child is akin to coming out of a very long tunnel under a mountain {pun TOTALLY intended}. One one side of the mountain, you have the hilly (pre-baby) side. Everything is nice and pretty and the trails are relatively easy to manoeuvre around. You can take long leisurely walks and picnic by the stream whenever you want. Then, one day, you decide to try going over to the other side. You get in your car, turn on your lights and enter the tunnel and drive for a while. After a bit, you finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and you come out of it and...
BAM!!!
The terrain has completely changed.
Now you are faced with this jagged, wild, uncharted territory. Their are no easy trails in this side of the mountain, you have to hack through some pretty thick brush and make your own. Sometimes you are going to go the wrong way and end up at the edge of a cliff or up against a wall of rock. Other times you will blaze a new trail to the most amazing waterfall full of rainbows and find treasures you did not know existed. Either way, you learn. You learn what works, what doesn't and what it takes to keep going.
Along the way, you may also learn that you are really, really good at things that previously did not exist in your life {on the other side of the mountain}. For some that may be uncovering their inner craft-onista and getting your grandma's old sewing machine or knitting needles out. For others, like myself, it may be discovering a whole new world of parenting through babywearing and building a community around that. And yes, for some it is even about turning their kitchens into tiny testing grounds for every conceivable mix of pureed organic baby food.
And because we live in an era of online sharing and often find our parenting "villages" or community through our internet connections, some moms like to blog about these new things that they have discovered about themselves and on this new terrain. What Ms. Manori failed to recognize in her post, is that for some of these mommy bloggers, their crafting and puree-ing and babywearing and sharing of these activities through their blogs and social media, leads some of them to be incredible business women, entrepreneurs and leaders in their communities.
I don't have to look far to find the likes of such mommies in my own community. We have an organic-food-pureeing mom to thank for the wonderful, and very successful Baby Gourmet line of products that often satisfy even the fussiest of eaters. Or the ever crafty DIY Mommy, who took her craftiness and creativity to global levels with the creation of Golly Gee Baby, a kids clothing line that is now manufactured with a fair trade cooperative in Nicaragua. This list goes on and on and really, there is no shortage of "mommy bloggers" out there who are making their mark in this world and forging new trails on this side of the mountain.
So, no, I do not think that mommy bloggers are not a step back for feminism. I think they are brave mothers navigating their way across the rough terrain of the Motherhood Mountain Range.
And sometimes they leave breadcrumbs {or blog posts} for those of us following behind to help us on our own journeys across the range too.
The incredible Koolau Mountain Range, Oahu, Hawaii.
Happy Trailblazing,
natasha~
vagina.... CHECK.
I am halfway through reading "How to be a Woman." by Caitlin Moran for my next book club get-together (aka, evening of wine and no kids or husbands).
Now, a) I am not in the habit of writing about a book before I have even finished it, and b) I do NOT like being told how to be or do anything, most of all anything at all about how to be a woman, but I have identified with so much of this book already, that I really have to write down some of my thoughts before I forget everything.
Add to that the things I am learning about and for myself in my counselling sessions and it is adding up to a lot of things jumbling around in my head and well, if you know me at all, you know that I have to PURGE it all out here, to clear some space up there.
First of all and for Caitlin, I must say this:
I AM A STRIDENT FEMINIST! (And I am wearing proper, cover all my bits underwear.)
It has taken me a long lifetime to say those words and be proud of that fact. Feminist is one of those words that almost has the status as the other F-word these days. For some people, it is a whispered thing, or it is denied altogether (Hello Taylor Swift--I am talking to you!). In her book, Caitlin has a quick test that you can administer to see if you too are a feminist and all you have to do is answer the following questions.
1. Do you have a vagina?
2. Do you want to be in charge of it?
If you answered yes to these questions, you guessed it, YOU are a feminist!
Personally, my evolution as a feminist happened rather organically. I have not read the "required reading" book list for "Capital F " feminism. No Virginia Woolf, no Simone De Beauvoir, no Germaine Greer. I HAVE read one of Elizabeth Badinter's books (The Conflict) and was decidedly put off by it and her.
I don't feel like I identify with any particular WAVE of feminism, and while I do like waves and the ocean, I think that this kind of rhetoric and need to qualify what kind of feminist one is, is somewhat backwards in its thinking. I am a feminist for the reasons stated above. Vagina. CHECK. In charge of it. CHECK.
It is through motherhood that I have truly uncovered the feminist part of myself. She was always there peaking out from behind my business suits and at big meetings and in relationships, but never seemed to be quite brave enough to reveal herself fully. You may find this ironic given that at that point in my life, I was doing all the "right" feminist-y things; having a career, climbing the corporate ladder, providing for myself and not relying on a man for anything. No, it wasn't until I held my first child in my arms that I truly understood two things. My power as a woman and my great responsibility to my child(ren).
And with those two realizations in mind, I forged ahead. I started a business, I started to write, I started to advocate for women (and children) and each and every day I learned so much. About myself, about my child, about the world around us and what I wanted in it for his (and then his sister's) future.
It's a big list, but here are some of the highlights...
I want a world in which colours are colours. Everyone has a favourite one and it can be whatever you choose.
I want a world in which words like "throwing like a girl" means having a damn scary curve ball!
I want a world where I don't have to teach my daughter the rules of "how not to get raped".
I want a world where my son has the choice to be the stay-at-home parent and no one thinks any less of him for it.
And most of all I want a world where we can all look at each other and instead of seeing the differences and judging them immediately, we look towards ourselves first and discover what it is in us that is out of order for us to think that different or 'not what I would do' somehow equals wrong.
My friend Alex wrote a post this week about this phenomenon in the mommy world. And while yes, like her, I too want to wave the white flag and say "Enough is enough!" on this front, I also wanted to add something.
I think that a mother (and possibly a father's) greatest fear in raising our next generation is that somehow we are going to royally fuck up our children. It is why we sweat ALL the stuff so much as parents, BIG and small. I mean, look at us! We are all kind of messed up ourselves and the things we are fighting about are DIAPERS! Really folks??!
The thing is, that no matter how much you vow to do things differently for your kids, part of them is gonna end up a bit messed up. You know, that part that is HUMAN. All we can do is try really hard to teach them empathy and respect for their fellow messed up human beings. And the best way to teach this is to model that behaviour for them.
Kids grow up and as they get older, they also get smarter. They see what we do and they emulate us. And NOTHING is a better wake up call to how we behave towards others than seeing the same kind of behaviour in our children. Do you laugh or make fun of overweight people? Do you say things like "OMG, that is SOOO gay!"? Do you tell people to "man up" or "stop acting like a little girl"? Do you not listen to a person (no matter who) asking you to stop tickling/poking/touching them? Because kids see this, and if they see that you think these kinds of behaviours are OK, then they will think they are OK too.
So, what else do I want in this world for my children? I want grown-ups willing to admit that they need to change THEIR behaviours, to understand their role in the culture that we have around us and around our kids and BE BETTER HUMANS.
My goal (and my homework this week) is to catch myself when I am feeling judge-y or feeling judged and find out why I am feeling this way. What is it about myself that I need to reconcile to calm the waves of my righteousness or my indignation? What am I feeling insecure about and how can I change this behaviour?
I want to be a better human for my kids and for my world. That is what being a feminist means to me. Treating all humanity as equal and deserving of love, respect and a voice that is heard.
Now who wants to join me and my 'strident-feminist-and-human-who-is-somewhat-messed-up' self in this brave new world?
Natasha~
natural urban mama grows up
As with anything creative, change is inevitable.
~Enya
I am in the last few weeks of my 40th year.
It has been a very interesting year to say the least.
A lot has happened in my life, both personally and professionally these last 11 and a half months.
At the end of January 2012, after much deliberation and soul-searching, I closed my online retail business to focus my time and efforts on my family and myself. It was a bittersweet decision, but one that I do not regret in any way.
In April of 2012 we moved into our new Natural Urban Home. A house that we designed, that we put our hearts and souls into and that we continue to imbue with the spirit of our family every day. In one week we will have our first Christmas morning in this house and I have to admit that I may be just a tad bit more excited about this than the kids!
After finally getting all of us settled in the the new house, summer 2012 hit.
And was gone in a flash!
September rolled around and all of a sudden I had one child in Kindergarten and one in preschool, and it took all of us the whole month to figure out our new routines (and yet, to this day, we are late for school at least twice a week).
I think it was probably sometime around late summer that something awakened within me that made me realize what I truly wanted to DO with myself.
You know, that thing that is just for me. For my sanity, for my creativity, for me to fully express myself as a person.
I am sure you'll all have guessed by now that that "thing" was {and IS} writing.
When I am writing, I feel good. About myself and weirdly enough, about what I am contributing to the world as well.
My writing has taken a turn this year. I have figured out that I am indeed a feminist, and a somewhat outspoken one at that. I have tackled issues that are important to me and I hope I have challenged the image of what people expect a feminist to be or say or do.
I mentioned to a fellow blogger once that I felt that my "voice" was changing and she responded by saying, "Well, of course, you are going through blogger puberty."
So there you have it folks, at the ripe age of 40, this mama... this blogger... this writer, hit puberty!
Somewhere along the way and in the midst of the changes of my so called puberty, I think I outgrew the space that I had created here on the interwebs. I was no longer focused on just being the "Natural Urban Mama". My interests and my thoughts started covering broader spectrums of motherhood and feminism and community involvement. And I know that there still exists some confusion about Natural Urban Mamas and what exactly that entity was {is} now.
It wasn't until I attended a local do-gooder event and had a chance to sit down with two of my favourite blogger babes that I realized that it was time for a change.
So here we are...
On the brink of a BIG change.
One that I need and one that I hope you will all understand and choose to embrace with me.
The latter half of 2012 has been well... let's say, interesting. I am more so than ever focused on my writing and have the wonderful Alice Bradley to thank for that. I have been dealing with my usual case of the seasonal blues that kind of hit out of nowhere this year (and yes, I am getting help) AND I have two beautiful children who are venturing further and further into the world and I am feeling this overwhelming need to do something to make sure that the world they are navigating is a better one for them.
My babies are growing up, and kicking and screaming, they are bringing me along for the ride.
It's the last few weeks of December 2012 and it is time for this change to happen.
I am re-branding.
Puberty is over and it is time to shed the trappings of my {Internet} youth and be a full blown grown-up!
I am a WRITER. {I figure the more I actually type or write that out, the more I will start believing it myself!}
I am also a stay-at-home mom. Which means that with a four-year-old and a six-year-old, I am almost NEVER at home!
I am also a feminist. A label that I am wearing with more and more pride and conviction each and every day and one that speaks to all the topics that are near and dear to my heart, my soul and my mind!
So...
Without further ado.
I would like to re-introduce myself and this blog to you...
I am Natasha.
the stay at home feminist
{I think this song sums it all up very nicely! And I always love me some Stevie Nicks.}
[youtube]http://youtu.be/WM7-PYtXtJM[/youtube]
When girls build the world.
What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice And everything nice,
That's what little girls are made of.
I have been thinking about writing on the topic of little girls for a long time. What kind of world our daughters are growing up in and how we as modern women and feminists are shaping that world.
The US Elections were fascinating for me to watch. Time and time again we heard about and saw the attack on women by various members of the GOP and their ridiculously ignorant statements made about girls and women with regards to contraception, rape, even about actually being allowed to vote! As a woman I was outraged and shocked by some of the hatred and bigotry being spewed by this political party. As a Canadian, I was ever so thankful for the country that I live in. As far from perfect as it may be, my rights as a woman over my body and my mind have never been an issue here!
Last week, this internal 'war on women' by the GOP was lost. BIG time. More women (1 in 5 actually) have seats in the US Senate than ever before and Tammy Baldwin became the first openly gay senator in the history of the USA. Whether or not the analysts think it is true, I personally believe that American women and the men {and women} who love them sent a very clear message that this "war" will no longer be tolerated. Women want a voice in government and one that truly represents THEM, not necessarily one who thinks HE does, but really has no clue whatsoever and prefers to keep his women in a binder!
The whole idea of women gaining some ground in the Game of Life has me stoked. If you don't know yet about how the characters line up in this game, then I highly recommend that you head over to John Scalzi's post about this. Scalzi points out, in language that he hopes most dudes might understand:
"In the role playing game known as The Real World, “Straight White Male” is the lowest difficulty setting there is.
This means that the default behaviors for almost all the non-player characters in the game are easier on you than they would be otherwise. The default barriers for completions of quests are lower. Your leveling-up thresholds come more quickly. You automatically gain entry to some parts of the map that others have to work for. The game is easier to play, automatically, and when you need help, by default it’s easier to get."
It's kind of a interesting point of view and one that has come up more than once in the past few weeks, here and here and most recently (for me at least) again this week.
On Tuesday night on my Facebook page I posted a link to a video that I found on Upworthy that described an amazing new toy designed for girls. Have a listen to Debbie, the CEO and creator of Goldie Blox explain why she developed it.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-AtZfNU3zw[/youtube]
The response to her video was incredible and Debbie reached her Kickstarter goal in just 5 days! Goldie Blox is now heading to production with delivery dates scheduled for the Spring of 2013.
The next day, when I saw some of the comments left after I posted the video with the status that,"THIS toy should be on everyone's little girl's list for Christmas next year", I was confused.
One person wrote,
"Or how about every *Childs* Christmas list? My son would adore this. Wanting this toy for girls is really no different than saying certain toys are only for boys. It's definitely a great toy, would just warm my heart if it didn't have to be so gender biased. Equality, that's the goal right?"
There were more comments with variations on the same theme.Why a toy geared only to girls? Why not in more gender neutral colors? Why is Goldie a blond, blue-eyed girl? I want this kind of toy for my son too.
I thought to myself, crap, maybe I should have typed CHILD instead of GIRL in that status. Yes, it is about equality for all. Did I miss the boat on this one?
But then I stopped and thought about it some more.
And NO.
Debbie has it right.
Did you hear what she said?
"89% of the Engineers in our world are MEN. We LITERALLY live in a world built by men."
Men who were once boys, who played with Lincoln logs, Legos, Kinex and all kinds of gender neutral or primarily boy-centric building sets and toys. If this is what you want for your son, something that he is going to build things with to his little heart's content, then there is no shortage of toys and sets and games out there for him.
Girls need more toys like this. Toys that both appeal to them visually and challenge their brains as well as the status quo of what you have to be when you grow up. Heck, I'll even make a case for the pink Lego. My little girl was not really into Lego until her Auntie bought her a bucket of the pink stuff for Christmas last year. Now we can all sit for hours and make all kinds of things with our Lego. It is all mixed together at this point, but she needed that pink push to get interested and excited about playing with it and tapping into that creative builder part of her brain. And she still calls all the pink pieces, HER Legos.
The thing I think we all need to remember is this. We do not live in a world where "all things being equal" exists {yet}. Women and girls may be 50% of the population, but in pretty much everything else we are or have it is far from being equal. Fighting for equality for all means coming to terms with the fact that that very equality does not exist. Men and boys get the default "lowest difficulty setting" in our world and girls just don't. Women and girls have to work twice as hard to have our voices heard, our rights protected, and to even the playing field in all things economic, political and social.
So no, this toy does not need to be made in gender neutral colours so that it appeals to boys too. Those toys already exist, all you have to do is visit the Lego section at any Toys R Us to see that. Goldie Blox is a fabulous addition to the toy world that will get girls interested in building and maybe even a career in engineering. And just like Debbie, I too dream of the day when all of our children get to live in a world built by both women and men!
Happy Building Girls!
Natasha~
**This is by no means a sponsored post. All opinions here are my own and I was not compensated by the company in any way. If you are interested in purchasing a Goldie Blox for your daughter or grandaughter or niece, then head over to their website HERE to get in on the action!!**
Mirror, mirror on the wall...
OK. I have had enough.
No, not of parenting or motherhood or the never ending to-do lists that exist in my head and on my fancy new iPhone 5. Although that is a lot and it has been a full moon week.
I have kind of had it with women.
Not all women, mind you, just the ones who say they are all about empowering women and then go and do the exact opposite of that. It hurts my feminist heart to no end when it looks like the thing that undermine's the status of women and our ability to actually ever be equals, is not men, it is other WOMEN!
Feminism.
At least that is how a lot of the world sees it.
If you call yourself a feminist, there is an automatic assumption that you are an opinionated, man-hating, bitch with an agenda. And you like to wear flannel...
Let me clarify a few things for you then.
I am VERY OPINIONATED.
I LOVE men, one in particular quite a bit actually.
On more than one occasion, I have indeed been called a BITCH. I am OK with that.
I HAVE an agenda. A BIG ONE!
And I live in Alberta, flannel is just not an option some days!
This week in my own fair {OK, fine, completely snow-covered!} city, feminists young and old (I am one of the old ones, in case you were wondering) are up in arms over being silenced by OTHER WOMEN. And by silenced, I mean deleted. The complete and utter removal of a whole Facebook conversation that happened in response to the marketing of an event that in an of itself was so incredibly patriarchal that at first most of us thought it was a joke.
I really want you to understand the context here and so I would like you to head over to Brittany's blog and read about this particular public relations fiasco (click the links within her post for the transcript of the erased Facebook posts). And I would like to say that it was Brittany who alerted me to this event in the first place and put the bug in a lot of ears about it's validity and intentions.
At first, I thought this might be a prank. What I understood the event to be was an all-male panel, moderated by a male host, discussing gender politics in the workplace (“the old boys network”) and providing career advice (“nuances of climbing the corporate ladder”) to a audience of women. Oh, and with an opportunity to donate to a men’s cancer charity.
Again, please CLICK HERE and take a moment to go and read her post, she makes some very excellent points about what the "default perspective" is in most anything in this world, which I thought was most insightful.
Here is the thing.
Gender issues are hot button issues. If you don't believe that, than you have not been paying attention to the US Presidential race lately and/or you many be living under a rock. Whenever there is a blatant line in the sand drawn regarding gender, things get heated. The conversation that happened the other night on this particular Facebook event page was no exception. I was kind of riveted to the page because I was amazed by the quality of the arguments and discussion points being made both about the event itself and about feminism in general. I am happy to also say that I made a few new friends that night!
I went to bed that night with lots of thoughts in my head. What I came to realize was that I was not completely opposed to the event. Quite a few of the men on the panel are ones that I have a lot of respect for and I think having a conversation with them about gender issues would make for an interesting lunch hour. I was sorely disappointed by the marketing of the event, as were many others and while I appreciate that words where changed, I did not believe for one minute that intent was. As one of the organizers so eloquently pointed out, she "hopes that anyone with gender issues can see past the penises on the panel and take away some valuable information..."
Hmmm....
Fast forward to the next morning and I awoke to another Facebook message informing me that all of that awesome conversation was completely deleted and that no one was able to post anything to the event wall anymore.
Say what?
The irony of this action was not lost on anyone, of this I can assure you.
The marketing company in charge of an event, being put on by the Edmonton chapter of Canadian Women in Communications, targeted to women, with the intent of talking about the glass ceiling and succeeding in the corporate world, DELETED all comments from women communicating their opinions about said event.
It was too much for my feminist brain to handle!
Silenced.
Being told, explicitly or implicitly, that what we had to say had NO VALUE.
Two steps back people. Two VERY BIG steps back!
And then today, this happened.
A blog post. Written by Tamara Plant of YouAreFierce.com (she is also on the Board of Directors for CWC in Edmonton and part of the committee behind the aforementioned event).
A post in which she is concerned with the toxic energy on the Internet this week and goes on to quote Jenny McCarthy on her rather simplistic view of "projected identification". Coles notes version, everyone is a mirror of you, if you hate yourself, you are going to hate others and vice versa, love yourself and then you will love others. The problem is that not 10 lines later, Tamara says that "All of this catty malicious bullshit needs to stop now. It is a reflection on you..."
But you just said that negative feelings are a mirror of myself? You calling people catty and malicious and full of BS is kind of toxic and negative. I am confused.
Maybe I just don't get how this mirror stuff works...? And while I realize that the Internet is a big place, in Edmonton this week, it really is not.
And then THIS happened.
Another blog post. Written by Zita Dube-Lockhart, one of the silenced.
Zita is probably one of the smartest women I know. Like UBER-smart people and she writes with all her bad-ass smartness backing her up. Seriously, go read her blog!
You SILENCED us. You CENSORED us. You TOLD US that our voices are irrelevant and that WE ARE MEAN PEOPLE for thinking differently from you.So yeah...we're pretty freaking pissed. And understandably so.There’s no “projection” here. There are only facts. You are accountable to your own damn actions- stop trying to blame us for your mistakes.I’ve said it before, in this discussion and in others, and I will say it again:The greatest trick patriarchy ever pulled was convincing women that we are each other’s enemies.And now I’ll add to that by saying, the greatest lie we’ve ever told ourselves is that we are not accountable for our own decisions and our own actions.
I get very confused and tongue-bite-y every time someone has a differing opinion than another person, or dares to call someone out for making a mistake (be it on social media or in real life) and then in the next breath is called a bully (or cyber-bully) for doing so. It has happened before on this very blog, simple because I said that NO, I do not actually have to BE NICE to or like everyone around me. I got called a lot of names and was maligned on social media as a bully. And I did not DELETE a single one of those comments! (See how that works around here, everyone gets an opinion, a voice.)
And then THIS happened.
A note was published on Facebook by one of the few men who waded into the original discussion. I don't know this man personally, but he just explained to me why I am so upset about this. Thank you Reece.
In my view, what Zita is speaking to is, to put it bluntly, antifeminism in action. As Andrea Dworkin put it so eloquently: “The breaking down of women into the insults used to describe women, the use of these insults to describe or intimidate or discredit, granting validity to these critiques of a female’s posture, pose, stance, attitude, or act, are all expressions of both antifeminism and woman hating.” We need look no further than the description of a woman as being “catty” to see an implicit act of dehumanization, suggesting that their activities are somehow animal-like and uncivilized, versus well-reasoned and intelligently argued.
Anti-feminism. The other A-word.
By women towards women.
Wow!
To anyone who has witnessed these exchanges over the last few days on Facebook and on Twitter, and who thinks that this is just a bunch of chicks getting our panties in a knot over nothing...
TAKE A LOOK IN YOUR MAGIC MIRROR!
Look at your daughter, your sister, your best friend, your co-worker, your mother. What would you do if someone silenced them for having an opinion? For speaking their mind? For not being afraid to stand up and say to someone, "HEY, what you are doing is wrong?"
What would you tell them if they had made a mistake? Don't worry honey, we'll just erase that or shove it under the rug, no one is going to look under there anyway? 'Cause, I hate to break it to you, but that is not how the internet works people!
And it is not how REAL LIFE works either.
I said in my previous post that I wanted to be an example to the younger generation. That I wanted to be a voice for women in my community and yes, on the interwebs too!
Tonight I am being that voice. I am speaking up and adding my thoughts and my words to the many who are stepping up to say that we won't stand for this kind of behaviour from anyone and that NO, you can not simply delete us with the press of a button.
My name is Natasha Chiam and I will not be SILENCED!
Will you?
**I will not erase any comments posted here, but I do reserve the right to edit any profanity or straight up hateful ones. Peace out y'all!**