one year later. After the Mirena break up.

I feel like it is time for a follow up post about my Mirena experience. My original post receives between 700-1100+ visits daily and has generated over 200 comments from women from all over the world who have shared their own, sometimes very personal, struggles and experiences with this supposed innocuous form of birth control. I appreciate each and every one of these women for sharing their stories, for listening to their gut and for persevering for answers when they were not getting any from their health care professionals. It is proving difficult to answer every single comment, but there are some common questions within a good majority of them that I feel like I can answer, at least from my perspective and from my experiences at this point, one year post-Mirena. The dreaded "Mirena Crash".

Before I had my IUD removed, I too did a lot of research and reading on the Internet and the number one thing you hear about is the Mirena crash. This plummet in hormones can cause all kinds if symptoms ranging from general malaise and feeling unwell to outright rage, depression and severe mood swings. It seems to last for about a week in its most severe form and then tapers off. Thankfully, I do not believe that I suffered through any major crash after my removal and I honestly started feeling better within days of having it out.

Bleeding.

I did have some removal bleeding initially the first night and into the next day. It was very bright red, and I admit that after 3 years of not seeing that kind of blood with my 'sort of" periods, I was a bit concerned. Turns out that it really was nothing that a couple of sturdy panty liners couldn't handle and it stopped after that second day.

A return to normal menstrual cycles.

Since that initial visit from Aunt Flo 5 weeks after I had the Mirena removed, my periods have been like clockwork. I have a pretty nice 28 day cycle and a 3.5 day period. And all I use during that time is my Diva cup. THAT IS IT! I can't complain about anything on this front. I feel like a normal woman and aside from the fact that I think I may be a bit peri-menopausal now and experiencing an increase in emotional PMS symptoms, I feel good about all of it.

Hair loss.

The hair loss that I was experiencing while I had the Mirena was REE - diculous!! I would run my fingers through my hair in the shower every morning and they would come out completely COVERED in strands of my hair. Normal daily hair loss for women is between 50-100 strands a day, with new ones growing almost immediately to replace the ones lost. I estimate (based on what I removed in the shower and what I swept up off the bathroom floor every other day) that I was losing about triple this amount EVERY DAY. Luckily I have a lot of hair to begin with and wasn't noticing any balding patches, but I do know that some women are not that lucky. In my opinion, I believe I am back down to a normal hair loss pattern and did notice this difference within about 4 months post-removal.

Weight loss.

I'd love to tell you all that I had the Mirena removed and magically dropped 20 pounds. Alas, this did not happen. Unlike some of the brave women who have posted their stories and comments on the original post, I did not have a huge amount of weight gain while on Mirena. What I did have was an inability to LOSE any weight even with a pretty strict fitness routine and a healthy, balanced diet. One year after my Mirena removal and four months since I stopped nursing my daughter and finally, that extra 10-15 pounds of what I liked to call my "Milk Reserves" is slowly starting to come off.

EXTREME fatigue.

This was one of the side effects that disappeared the fastest. I went from not being able to keep my eyes open while DRIVING and absolutely NEEDING to nap every day, to sleeping better at night (no more night sweats either) and having more energy throughout the day. I am serious people, the level of fatigue I was experiencing was dangerous. I would literally fall asleep at red lights and I even think I somehow fell asleep with my eyes open a couple of times and jerked "AWAKE" just in time to avoid crashing the car with all of us in it.

Libido.

It's BAAA-aaack. And it was relatively soon after removal. The fact that I was not feeling like I could literally fall asleep at any given minute of any day had a lot do do with that. I had ENERGY again. To be with him, to care about my sensual and sexual needs again and to want to just get it ON! Now don't get me wrong, we are still a busy family with a lot going on in our lives and some nights I am thoroughly exhausted and it's a quick peck on the cheek and lights out, but now, I at least have my DESIRE back. While on the Mirena, it was as if that part of me was completely removed from my mind. And I am kind of a sexy beast, so this was very troubling for me! ;)

Abdominal Pain, Bloating, Cramping.

I am very happy to say that since my Mirena removal I have not had one bout of the severe abdominal cramping and the excruciating pain that was a monthly occurrence with it in. As it turns out, I do not have ovarian cysts, I do not have appendicitis or endometriosis and I do not have ridiculous levels of noxious gas in my bowels! Whether my doctor agrees with me or not, I truly believe that I had a device in my body that was poisoning me.

...................

The one thing that has bothered me the most about all of the comments and stories that have been shared with this post, is the fact that so many women (including myself) have had to FIGHT with their healthcare providers to be heard, to be believed and to have this device removed from their own bodies . This speaks volumes to me about the state of our society, where a woman's voice and decisions about her body own are constantly questioned, where the simplest answer is not even considered and where women are being bombarded with more and more medications to treat what may actually be the side effects of what is considered a fairly benign medication.

So benign in fact that last September, the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology made this statement in their Committee Opinion on Adolescent Health Care:

"Increasing adolescent access to long-acting reversible contraceptives is a clinical and public health opportunity for obstetrician-gynecologists. With top-tier effectiveness, high rates of satisfaction, and no need for daily adherence, long-acting reversible contraceptive methods should be first-line recommendations for all women and adolescents."

And while I understand that the issue that the College was addressing was the increasing rate of unwanted teen pregnancies, I wonder at the long-term effects of this kind of contraception (hormonal IUDs) on these teenage girls still developing bodies and hormonal systems. Will these long-acting contraceptive methods affect their future ability to conceive? We don't know the answers to these questions and I for one don't think it is a risk that I would want to take with my teenage daughter.

Of the 218 comments that have been shared on the original post, there are maybe 5 that reflect a positive Mirena experience. Granted, most women who find my post are doing so by using search terms like "Mirena IUD" and "Mirena side effects" (my post is second only to the official Mirena website on a Google search), the statistics of this small sample population make me feel very good about my decision to remove my IUD and return to a normal menstrual cycle. I am glad that my post has been helpful for so many women and I am grateful for all the shared stories. I feel for each and every one of you who have suffered so much because of this teeny tiny not-so-innocent device.

I can not tell anyone what to do in any given situation, even though a lot of you have asked. I can only tell you to trust your gut, trust your body, and TRUST yourself. If this form of birth control is causing you more problems than it is worth, than try to find an alternative. (For anyone wondering, my husband and I are condom users and NO, he still has not booked his vasectomy!) And if your health care provider is not listening to you, find one who will.

I have one last thing to say to those of you who have decided to have your IUD removed. Please don't let your family doctor or OB/GYN tell you that you shouldn't have it removed or make a big deal about the removal or tell you to go to the doctor who inserted it. If the strings are visible and reachable with a simple pelvic exam, then removal is a 10 second procedure that requires nothing more than a speculum and some medical tweezers. It pinches a bit, but if you have had babies already, well,... enough said.

I hope this follow-up post about my experience with Mirena proves as helpful as the first one has been. I am very happy that one year later, I can say without a doubt, that life has been a lot better since I broke up with my Mirena IUD.

selfie

Take care of yourselves ladies,

Natasha~

the ordinary life of a {closet} loner

This is what I love doing. I am sitting alone at one end of a dining room table that can easily sit 10-12 people. A cup of tea to my right and the Tar Beach Lullabies playlist from Songza playing on my iPad to my left and my sleeping pup at my feet (keeping them warm). The lights are mostly off and I am writing by the glow of my laptop and the still light dusk of a Northern Alberta spring night.

Today, I took my children to a birthday party at one of those jumpy castle play place establishments that are all the rage these days. I knew most of the parents and kids at the party and while it was nice to visit with everyone, I felt this strange urge to escape from this social situation. I wanted to hightail it out of there and run off for the two hours of the party, or at least plunk myself down in a corner and read a book, or pull out my iPad and get lost in the long list of Favourited links from my Twitter stream. I did manage to escape for about 45 minutes and ran a few errands (ie, went to Anthropologie and bought a new top. Shopping, also something that I love to do by myself.)

I know this is going to sound a bit crazy to those of you who know me, but I think I am a bit of a loner.

I sometimes dream of being that woman who hosts perfect big dinner parties or the one who has that group of Ya-Ya Sisterhood friends that meet on a regular basis and tell each other everything and know all of each others secrets - the good, the bad and the ugly. I dream of going on holidays with another family (or families) that we are so close to, our kids are more like brothers and sisters than friends. I think that these are the things that I should be dreaming about.

I just don't know if I am that person.

In one week, we will have been in our Natural Urban Home for exactly one year and we have yet to have an official house warming party. To be perfectly honest, I have only had a handful of friends over and never all at once. I am not ashamed of my house at all, it's just the opposite. I love this place so much and we worked so hard to make it 100% us and ours, that sometimes it feels strange to have other people here. And it's not just me, my husband has always been one to consider his home his sanctuary from the world and on any given day, my kids are usually 70/30 when it comes to going home to play or going out. This is our centre, our starting point and our end every day and walking through our door often feels like exhaling after having held one's breath for a long time.

Now, I know what you are all thinking, "Natasha, you are not a loner. We've seen you work a room! Your the most social of the social butterflies!" I won't deny that I feed off of the energy in a room and yes, I do like to be social, but at most events that I attend I am just that, a butterfly, flitting from one conversation to another, stopping in for a sip of the nectar from this group and then flying off to the next.  I know why I seem like the social, extroverted one. I know the reason behind my flitting about and social insect behaviours.

I fear depth.

I fear that if I spend too much time with people, that they will see deeper into the real me and then not really want to be around me. And I can feel it. I can physically feel the wall that I put up when things get serious. It's both a defence mechanism and a protective shield. I am defending myself from the inside out and protecting myself from any {perceived} attack from afar. If she could, my therapist would tell you that this all goes back to my very early childhood and my feelings of never being good enough, of always being an outsider, of always dealing better with other people's feelings and problems than facing my own. This all makes me think that perhaps then my home, my concrete walled home, and the sense of relief I feel when I walk through it's doors, is a physical manifestation of this fear.

Commander Chris Hadfield of the Iternational Space Station, tweeted this photo and caption today.

 

That is how I feel some days, like mostly liquid rock covered by a thin crust. For the most part I can control the hot spots and keep everyone {including myself} safe and sound on the surface. If anyone tries to crack that surface though, my biggest fear it that it is gonna get really ugly. Everyone will see the messy, not so pretty parts of me, and will head off running in the other direction. I know that this is not likely true of most people and that I should give folks more credit, but hey, it's fear! It messes with our minds!

I also saw this tweet from Maria at @boredmommy earlier tonight. It is what sparked this rambling train of thought and post.

I thought about this and then came to the realization that I wouldn't change anything. I have a really wonderful life. One that I am incredibly grateful for. I don't want to go back to the career that I had pre-children, it just wouldn't work for our family and I don't foresee myself getting back into the 9-5 workforce anytime soon. I made a choice to be the at-home parent for my children, not just for when they were babies and in the safety of my arms, but for when they are leaving them and beginning to navigate the world beyond the walls of our home. This is when I think they are going to need me the most. I believe that part of my fear in the aforementioned social situations is that someone is going to ask me the dreaded "What do you DO?" question. I am afraid that I won't have an answer that is good enough for them. That me being a stay at home mom and yes, a sometimes blogger/writer too, will not be interesting or extraordinary enough for them.

As it happens when I am tackling issues of fear and vulnerability, I defer to the expert on these things, the wonderful Brene Brown. Please watch this 2010 TEDx talk she gave. At 6:34 she kind of blows my mind (as she has a tendency to do to a lot of people I am sure) and takes ALL THE WORDS FROM MY HEAD and puts them up on her screen!

[youtube]http://youtu.be/_UoMXF73j0c[/youtube]

I am an ordinary woman, living an ordinary life, loving my ordinary husband and raising my ordinary kids. And I like to write alone, at the end of my huge table, in my big beautiful sanctuary of a home.

And I am trying not to be afraid of scarcity anymore.

Maybe one day you can come over for coffee and we can talk about ordinary things together.

natasha~

#40SilverLinings: Happy Easter!

I did not post one every day, but having the thought of my #40silverlinings posts in my head, made me focus more on the good things going on in my life. It was a good exercise in positive thinking, in seeing the happy moments in days that can sometimes seem overwhelming. So here you have my last list to wrap up all 40 of my silver linings for Lent.

31. A hot bath after a long day, a real book (I don't do e-readers) and a husband who brings me a glass of wine after I am all settled in the tub!

32. The "Oh My Darling" twisted London fog tea latte from my neighbourhood cafe. Darjeeling tea, almond milk and coconut flavouring. It just makes everything better, I swear.

33. Date night. The best bowl of Pho in the city followed by chilling at what my husband is calling his new favourite cafe. {So much so, that he wants to use it as the blueprint for our basement development!}

34. Sprinter. It's what I am calling this ridiculous Spring/Winter season in Edmonton. It means rubber boots and mitts and sometimes a toque and sometimes just a fleece vest and FINALLY being able to have some outdoor play time!

35. Picking up my puppy after day surgery at the vet. She hasn't wanted that much cuddling in a long time and I didn't realize how much I missed it too.

36. That moment when every piece of laundry is clean, folded and put away. I am dead serious, this is total happy dance time around here!

37. Napping with my baby nephew. {Even though he cried for 20 minutes before actually falling asleep.}

38. Women all over the world (and very close to me) standing up for themselves, breaking the cycles in their  lives and knowing that they are worthy of happiness. XO.

39. The Toca Tailor stylings and designs of my four year old daughter!

40. A long weekend surrounded by the family that I love. A movie date with the little cousins, girls night out with my sisters {in-law} and making a special Easter dinner for my mom, my sister and her family.

I am truly blessed in this life. Maybe that is the true lesson of Lent. Perhaps it is not so much about sacrifice and giving something up ,as it is looking closely and really appreciating all that we have. All the little things we likely take for granted in our day to day lives can add up to a whole lot of silver linings and happy moments. It is up to us to choose to see them, to live in those moments, to take a deep breath and thank whomever or whatever you believe in for that special moment in time.

And then it is up to us to take that attitude of grace and gratitude and spread it around...

...it's the best kind of infection you can pass on to anyone.

Love and light to you all,

natasha~

Choosing a better hill

There is no shortage of divisive topics in our world these days. Gun control, abortion, gay rights, how you feed your baby, team Jacob vs. team Edward... just to name a few. But the one that seems to get no less than at least a half a dozen mentions a day on my twitter feed alone, and that is nothing when you look at the plethora of dedicated Facebook, reddit and tumblr sites, is none other than the Great Leggings Debate!  Now for the record, and in the interest of full disclosure, I have been firmly entrenched in the "leggings are NOT pants" camp for quite some time. I did not wear leggings for anything other than the gym or yoga, I held off for a long time on buying any kind of jean that resembled a legging or hugged too tight (or was officially called a "jegging") and even though I sometimes peruse sites like Blackmilk to see the latest in printed styles, I have always resisted the urge to buy. I have gotten into heated discussions with friends about the legging. I have been accused of policing others choices because of my stance on leggings. And yes, I have even sent my 4-year old daughter back to her room to add a skirt or a longer top or dress to her outfit because of my strict leggings rules.

In my world, leggings ARE NOT PANTS.

A week ago I read a post from Amanda Hess over at Slate's XX Factor and by golly, I think this woman is on to something.  For one thing, she fully agrees with me that leggings are not pants.

Pants are great if you’re a woman with the perfectly-calibrated corporate-sanctioned ratio of waist to ass to leg. What are you, a ringer for the jeans industry? It’s time to stop squeezing our lower bodies into constrictive denim prisons and instead envelope them in a forgiving cotton-spandex jersey. Never again will we be forced to choose between visible ass-crack and bulging muffin top.

She goes on to list some very compelling reasons why leggings are in fact far superior to pants. They are sturdy, footless (think toe seams on tights), don't bind us with control tops and are as she puts it "the sartorial equivalent of a warm bath."  There was nothing in her post that I could argue with and much that I laughed out loud to.

Last Sunday as my daughter and I spent the day at the mall, I stopped into one of my favourite new stores, LOLE. It is an active wear clothing store that is bright and beautiful and it makes me happy every time I walk through it. They happened to be having a 30% off sale and without hesitation I grabbed these leggings, headed to the till and bought them on the spot. I didn't even try them on. I just knew. I knew they were the ones.

I went home and put them on immediately. And I fell in love, or as Amanda so aptly puts it, into a warm leg bath. She was so right! Leggings really are superior to pants. Pants do nothing but make you focus on your bodies short comings. If they are not too tight in one area, they are too low in another. How often do you hear of a woman's incessant search for the perfect pair of jeans! I know I have yet to find them. But these leggings, with their lycra goodness, are sheer perfection!

My rules do still apply to them. I will not wear them without covering up my bum (and front) and the preferable footwear choice is still a boot. These are my rules folks, if you choose to adopt them as your own, be my guest. If not, I am not going to judge. Your body, your clothing choices, your life. If this is how you feel comfortable, who am I to be the one to tell you otherwise. Perhaps it is my age (or the wisdom of my years), but I appreciate comfort a lot more these days. I also have a thing for knee high socks and boots right now and the legging really works with this look.

So YES! I am throwing up the proverbial white flag, surrendering myself to the spandex-y goodness and donning my leggings with comfort and yes, some pride too!

And to be perfectly honest, fighting about what someone chooses to put on their legs is not the hill I want to die on.

What actions do you choose when confronted with those who don't see things as you do? Do you fight? Do you argue? Do you negotiate? Do you surrender? Let me tell you something right now. If you live more than a few days you will find conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional. You don’t have to fight about everything. Even the Marines have a saying, "Choose the hill you want to die on." If you must fight about something, if there must be that thing that will make you raise your voice, grind your teeth and pound your fist on a desk, let it be something that has to do with respect, dignity and integrity; or someone's attempt to deny another of one or all three of those things.

 ~ Demitri C. Kornegay

My legs, my leggings, my pride socks!!

Peace out!

natasha~

Silver Linings List

I am a couple of days behind for my #40silverlinings posts and so tonight, I give you a small list of things that have made my week have that slight little glow around the edges.

#11. A return to regular date night for B and I. AND, I actually ate some incredible bacon-wrapped chorizo-stuffed dates that night as well, so...  it was a double date night! (Seriously though, check out Canteen when you can, you won't be disappointed.)

#12. My incredibly cheesy pun-iness! (See above. Yes, I am a dork.)

#13. A friend who is there for me whenever I need her, even when she is about to lose her own shit! (Love you L!!)

#14. NAPS. I swear on days when we ALL nap, everything gets outlined in silver and rainbows and covered in unicorn farts!

#15. This picture.

You're welcome.

(I might have a slight obsession with Sons of Anarchy right now, and Charlie Hunman is MY TV boyfriend! Get your own!)

Have a great weekend everyone,

Natasha~

(I do not know the origin of this photo, sorry lucky, lucky photographer who got to do this shoot!)

 

gap

When I was 12 going on 13, I was kind of a messed up kid. I was dealing with my father remarrying and in my mind abandoning us for a whole new family, I was still hiding the fact that a neighbour had molested me and I was facing the terrifying prospect of starting Grade 9 at a brand new school. And I had a gap between my two front teeth.

While that list up top should have been tops on the priority list of un-messing me, it was my teeth that became the focus of my insecurities. I BEGGED my mother to take me to our dentist to have caps put on to get rid of the offending gap. For some reason that I still don't understand, she agreed to this, and before I started school that year my gap was gone.

As it turns out, no amount of dental work takes the target off your back once you are get in the cross hairs of the 'wrong' crowd. I won't bore you with the details of teenage cruelty, but let's just say that high school was not a great time in my life. I rejoiced at the end of each year of it, because that meant one less class of the mean girls and jackasses picking on me.

Fast forward to sometime in late 1998 and having grown up and lived and come to love myself a bit more, I decided it was time to let my gapped tooth smile shine for all the world to see. I was gonna rock that thing Lauren Bacall and Madonna style!

I went to my then dentist and told him what I wanted. What seemed to me to be an easy fix (take of the caps), was in fact, not possible. After too many years bonded to the front of my teeth, the old caps had to be drilled off and the only option I had then was to have full crowns put in place.

I remember being quite disappointed about this. I really wanted to own that gap of mine and be proud of it. To reclaim a teeny tiny part of me that I had lost so many years ago. This wasn't just about my teeth, it was about being proud of myself and celebrating my fight back to the land of self-esteem. Alas, this was not meant to be and crowns were made and new front teeth I got.

Those chompers have served me well up until now and it seems I have a new "gap" to deal with. My advancing age, an annoying case of receding gums and a new dentist who swears she can make my smile even better, all added up to me sitting in her office for three hours this morning, shedding the old crowns and prepping for my new, NEW front teeth.

So why exactly am I telling you all about my dental history?

I am not sure really.

Maybe it's because sitting in that reclined dentist chair, watching The Marilyn Denis Show on the TV in the ceiling, brought back memories of the reasons I wanted to get rid of that gap in the first place. Maybe it is because in those days, I was so worried about being made fun of, that my only thought was to get rid of any imperfection that I thought would give the mean kids more ammo against me.

And maybe because I was thinking about this so much today, that this video and the penetrating voice of the incredible Shane Koyczan hit me square in the teeth!!

Please watch it, and share it and remember it.

As I remember that gap-toothed tween from so long ago and give her a big huge hug and tell her she is BEAUTIFUL!

[vimeo]http://vimeo.com/59956490[/vimeo]

Thank you,

Natasha~

P.S. This whole getting new, new front teeth is my silver lining for today (#10) ... I have been waiting for a few years to do this and now was the time.

Score!!

It seems I have been hit with an early Spring Cleaning bug. This week I finally cleaned up and organized the laundry room and unpacked the few remaining boxes that had migrated there for lack of a better place. I now can actually see and use the counter-top that is in there and even managed to organize the drawers with all the kids crafting supplies.

Today I tackled the next room and cleaned and de-cluttered my half of our joint office and my desk. And yes, it took me the better part of the day!

BUT...

While I was cleaning and purging and shredding A LOT of papers, this is what I found:

•  $70.00 worth of Chapters/indigo gift cards.
•  A $25.oo gift card for Superstore.
•  A $150.00 gift certificate for Cosafina (a home decor store here in Edmonton).

And...

•  Not one, but TWO gift certificates for a one-hour massage!!

All in all, I'd say that this is not too bad for a days work and a definite silver lining for today (#8).

Now to just figure out what I want to put on that very bare wall that I am staring at all day???

Any suggestions?

Natasha~

#40silverlinings: a list

It's Friday night.

I just got back home after a lovely dinner out with my two sisters-in-law (sister-in-laws ??) and for tonight's post I have a little list of silver linings for you.

#3. Today I finished a book! This is a big deal because for the past six months I have had about 3-4 books all ongoing at the same time and I have not finished one, I have not finished ANY of my book club books before the actual date of book club. This book, How to Be a Woman by Caitlin Moran, is now DONE and it is done a whole eight days before my next book club night!  Oh yeah!! I rock. And I can't wait to see what kind of discussions we are going to have about this one!!

#4. Good hair days should always be celebrated and today was a darn good one. Most of that has to do with a healthy dose of Maui Wowie Beach Mist by Philip B. (and now that you have my secret, go pick up a bottle of this hair magic locally from the lovely ladies at Lux Beauty Boutique) and also that weird point in my hairstyle's life when it is somehow the perfect length. Who know how long this "perfection" will last, so it gets a silver lining status for today!

#5. Wine. A nice Pinot Noir. Enough said.

#6. Finding that missing $50 iTunes gift card from Christmas. Today is now officially dubbed New Music for Natasha day!!

#7. It's a long weekend!! (In Alberta, we celebrate Family Day in February) Three days of chillin' with my little family and so many silver linings to look for in the days to come!

Cheers all,

Natasha~