make your bed and be on time

Happiness is a funny thing. Sometimes it hits you just as hard as its arch-nemesis, sadness and/or depression.

And then you don't know what to do about it.

You don't want to talk about it, because then you'll *JINX* it. You don't want to celebrate anything too wildly, because you don't want to seem boastful or like you are rubbing it in anyone's face. And because of the nature of our often cruel and spiteful world, you hold your breath, silently enjoying your happy, while at the same time, constantly looking over your shoulder, waiting for that ominous other shoe to drop.

But why should anyone feel ashamed of being happy? That just seems incredibly counter intuitive to the whole concept.

Yet, there it is.

I'd like to blame the Internet for this shame (or more specifically, Facebook), but that's not quite right. The Internet, for all that we capitalize the word, it not an identity, not a person or persons that we can "blame" for our happiness, our sadness, or any emotion that we feel. The Internet is a means of communicating, of connecting and of sharing information. How we FEEL about that information is completely up to us. We are in charge of our use of it and of how much or how little of it we filter.

Last week, I read about tech journalist Paul Miller's return to the Internet after 365 days offline. I think most people, including Paul, expected this grand epiphany to occur during his time away from the digital world. He left the internet to find the 'Real Paul', because he thought that being online had somehow 'corrupted' him. What he in fact ended up realizing was not quite what he had in mind.

What I do know is that I can't blame the internet, or any circumstance, for my problems. I have many of the same priorities I had before I left the internet: family, friends, work, learning. And I have no guarantee I'll stick with them when I get back on the internet — I probably won't, to be honest. But at least I'll know that it's not the internet's fault. I'll know who's responsible, and who can fix it.

Right now, at this moment in my life, I am happier than I have been in months.

Life does not feel overwhelming to me right now. Maybe it is because I have slowed down and am paying closer attention to the little things more. Maybe it's because I am paying someone a crap-load of money to let me cry buckets in her office and leave all of the sadness there before our time is up. Maybe it's because I have FINALLY realized that flying by the seat of one's pants is not always the best way to go about one's life, especially when you are the one responsible for other, smaller people's lives as well.

I believe that a strange combination of a lot of little things has added up to me being a happier, more calm, more zen version of me than I have ever been before. Some of these things may seem silly, but here are just a few examples of what makes me feel happy these days.

All the beds are made every morning in our house. I never thought of unmade beds as a big deal before. We were just going to go to sleep in them again in 12-16 hours, so why bother making them? Well, I am here to tell you that it does make a difference. A made bed looks better, it makes you feel ORGANIZED and it gives you a good jumping off point in the mornings. And why spend all that money on a fancy duvet cover only to crumple it up in a ball every day?

Being on time. For those of  you who don't know me very well, punctuality is NOT one of my virtues. It's a running joke within my family that I am told to arrive at least 30 minutes before the actual start time for any important events. My clock in my car is set 17 minutes ahead for the same reason. It got to the point that the one time a few months ago when we were early for an appointment and I mentioned this to the kids, my son looked at me and said, "Mom, what does early mean?" I vowed then and there to change that and for the most part, I have. Now he asks me if we are going to be TOO early everywhere we go.

Date nights. My husband and I have always had date nights, but we used to fill them with things to do. We would go to a movie or shop or stroll through Ikea or go for a drive. Date nights now are dinner at a new restaurant we haven't tried before. They are a minimum of three hours long and we eat wonderful food and we TALK. We talk about our life, we talk about others, we discuss plans for the future, we people watch and and *sometimes* we make up funny stories about the folks at the next table. We sit across the table and give each other our undivided attention. It's not just about getting out of the house and away from the kids, it's about growing together and discovering all over again why we love each other so much. And... *ahem*... all that intellectual stimulation makes for great foreplay!

No more Facebook. I know it seems silly and according to Paul, was not what was making him unhappy, but for me, not engaging on Facebook has somehow given me a release from something that was holding me back. I can't quite articulate what that something was just yet, but I do know that it is not there anymore. I admit that I do creep on FB sometimes and have to keep my account active to manage the page for the  Natural Urban Mamas community, but I do not LIKE or COMMENT on anything. It simply doesn't seem genuine to me anymore and although I can see and love all the new baby/new house/new car/fabulous vacations that you are all posting about, I really would rather we went for coffee or I popped over to see you and the baby/house/car/pictures in person.

Losing the fear of just being ME. The other day, my good friend Jen Banks asked me to present an award at The Yeggies, a celebration of all the local and amazing social media folks in my fair city. I was thrilled to do so and immediately said yes. The wonderful Tanis Miller won for Best in Family and Parenting and it was an honour to present the woman who inspired me to blog this well-deserved award. Afterwards someone asked me if I was scared speaking in front of a room full of so many people. I said no, not at all. I may have been nervous right before I hit the stage, but I was not afraid. A few weeks ago, I changed my Twitter handle from @SAHFeminist to @NatashaChiam. And while it is a bit scary to put one's REAL name out there for all the Internet to see, it felt right. Just like being up on a stage with a microphone in front of me does.

It's a strange thing to be fearless. I don't think that it means to fear nothing. That would just be silly, because if a tiger escaped from the zoo and made its way to my back yard, trust me, there would be FEAR (and possibly some soiled underpants as well). I think fearless means to be brave and the dictionary defines brave as "being able to face fear and danger without flinching." *I* say being brave and fearless means being able to face LIFE without flinching.

And in that regard, I believe that fearlessness is a direct line to happiness. If we can face our lives without flinching, if we can own who we are, the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly, and if we can do so honestly, than one day, without you even seeing it coming, HAPPINESS is going to come right up to you, smack you in the face and say,

HA!!

GOTCHA!!

Natasha~

Photo Credit: Sparklerawk on Flickr

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What about you? How do you define happiness? Or fearlessness?

Hitting {my} milestones

***As I was cleaning up my ridiculous draft folder full of half-written, what the heck was I thinking, random thoughts posts and I came across this one. I wrote it more than a year ago and can’t for the life of me figure out why I never hit publish on it.

So here you go… Oh and look at how LONG my hair was!!!***

~~~~~~~~~~~

Milestones.

We all have them.

Your first tooth.

Your first haircut.

Your first step.

Your first day of school.

Your first kiss.

High School Graduation.

Your first REAL job!

Your first time.

Your first vote.

Your first love.

Your first car. (Note to the guys that this is not the same as the milestone above!)

And all of a sudden you are a full-fledged adult.

You have a job, bills to pay, an apartment to clean, friends you can count on and perhaps someone special to love as well.

Your life is all before you and is really is your oyster!

You have dreams of your life and what you want it to look like....

You hit another major life milestone, turn thirty and there it all is laid out before you.

The career that gives you freedom and power and travel and perks and one heck of a nice salary.

The man who will sweep you off your feet and be the one who stands so far out of the crowd that you can't help but fall in love with him.

The perfect wedding in the mountains, surrounded by so many that love you.

The starter home that you build together.

The trips and travelling that will take you to amazing and exotic places.

The beautiful babies your love will create.

When I hit my 30th birthday I was excited. I had all of these amazing life experiences to look forward to.

The past 10 years have been the most fulfilling, challenging, character developing ones of my existence. They have {re} defined me as a woman, a wife, a mother, a sister and a daughter.

If you asked 30-year old me what 40-year old me would look like or be doing with her life, I am pretty sure THIS would not be it.

Not that what I am doing is a bad thing, just probably not what the newly-engaged, childless, career-focused, younger me would have envisioned.

I would have never seen myself being a stay-at-home mom. I didn't have one, so I just sort of thought I would never be one.

I would never in a million years have seen myself as a breastfeeding, natural birthing, babywearing, attachment parenting advocate. It's was not what I was brought up with or witnessed growing up and really, who ever REALLY thinks about all of these things before they even get pregnant. I assure you I did not!

I never imagined I would leave a career that I fought for and worked so hard at. One that gave me such satisfaction and great opportunities for moving up in the corporate world. I had my palms read sometime in my twenties and at that time the reader told me that I would always be a 'career' woman. I truly believed her. I guess I just ended up choosing a different kind of career.

Why all this retrospection you ask?

Last week I read a post by a mama on Twitter about her thoughts on turning 30 and it got me thinking about how our lives are so much the same yet so much different. A lot of what she has accomplished before her 30's, I did IN my thirties. I really do think it was my best decade. I entered it in 2002 a very different woman than the one I was when I exited it in 2011. I GREW so much in those 10 years. I also happened to grow people in those years and I know that those two amazing events accounted for a lot of the growth in me.

On January 1st of 2012, I hit yet another major life milestone.

I turned forty.

Up to that point I had all these thoughts of what this year would be like for me.

I wanted to have a BIG Birthday party to celebrate, but in the end, it just didn't really happen and I let the day come and go without it being a big deal.

I have been wanting to write about my year of being 40 here on the blog, sort of like what @CoffeewithJulie did for her 40th with her #MonthofMe posts in October 2011. You know, a diary of sorts letting you all know how wonderful it is and how yes, of course 40 is the new 20. (Side note: Can someone PLEASE tell me what that means? Because I may have done some things in my 20's that I am not overly proud of and could seriously not even attempt at this point in my life without a paramedic crew waiting in the wings!!)

My sweet dear husband has indulged my desires to make this the year of me and on the 1st of every month, he has been making me AWESOME cards and giving me a small present. He has been calling this year the "10th Anniversary of my 30th Birthday!" And man, do I ever love him for all that he is doing to make this year easy on me and so special. But I think herein lies the crux of my problem with forty so far.

I can't continue on like this, trying to relive or dwell on my past and think that my thirties where my best decade. I may be getting old{er}, but in this thing called LIFE, I am a far cry from DONE! If my thirties where so much better than my twenties, then what is stopping my forties from being that much more than my thirties?

Aside from myself that is....

You see, I may be having somewhat of a mid-life crisis right now. Okay fine, crisis may be too strong a word. Let's call it a mid-life, "oh-my-god-what-do-I-do-now?" moment. I really am having a tough time setting, or even figuring out what my life goals are right now.

The last ten years have been filled with so many goals and projects and such that I just kept going and going. Marry the boy, have the babies, build the houses, build the business, build a brand, be a baby mommy, plan the holidays, meals, activities, school, etc... It has all been so very non-stop. Until now.

The business was closed. The dream home was built. The babies are growing up {way too fast for my liking} and everything is good.

But...

If you asked me for my five year plan or that ever annoying "where do you see yourself in 5-10 years" question, you would get a big ol' blank stare from me. Because I really DON'T KNOW.

Now, I am not saying that everyone needs to have a very set and specific life plan, but it helps to have some goals and aspirations right?

I bought this back book in January and must have packed it away shortly thereafter. Looks like it might be high time to crack this baby open and figure out what exactly it is I want to do with the rest of my life!

I do know one thing for sure. My 40's are not going to be like my 20's or my 30's... they are going to better.

That is a goal right?

Natasha~

the ordinary life of a {closet} loner

This is what I love doing. I am sitting alone at one end of a dining room table that can easily sit 10-12 people. A cup of tea to my right and the Tar Beach Lullabies playlist from Songza playing on my iPad to my left and my sleeping pup at my feet (keeping them warm). The lights are mostly off and I am writing by the glow of my laptop and the still light dusk of a Northern Alberta spring night.

Today, I took my children to a birthday party at one of those jumpy castle play place establishments that are all the rage these days. I knew most of the parents and kids at the party and while it was nice to visit with everyone, I felt this strange urge to escape from this social situation. I wanted to hightail it out of there and run off for the two hours of the party, or at least plunk myself down in a corner and read a book, or pull out my iPad and get lost in the long list of Favourited links from my Twitter stream. I did manage to escape for about 45 minutes and ran a few errands (ie, went to Anthropologie and bought a new top. Shopping, also something that I love to do by myself.)

I know this is going to sound a bit crazy to those of you who know me, but I think I am a bit of a loner.

I sometimes dream of being that woman who hosts perfect big dinner parties or the one who has that group of Ya-Ya Sisterhood friends that meet on a regular basis and tell each other everything and know all of each others secrets - the good, the bad and the ugly. I dream of going on holidays with another family (or families) that we are so close to, our kids are more like brothers and sisters than friends. I think that these are the things that I should be dreaming about.

I just don't know if I am that person.

In one week, we will have been in our Natural Urban Home for exactly one year and we have yet to have an official house warming party. To be perfectly honest, I have only had a handful of friends over and never all at once. I am not ashamed of my house at all, it's just the opposite. I love this place so much and we worked so hard to make it 100% us and ours, that sometimes it feels strange to have other people here. And it's not just me, my husband has always been one to consider his home his sanctuary from the world and on any given day, my kids are usually 70/30 when it comes to going home to play or going out. This is our centre, our starting point and our end every day and walking through our door often feels like exhaling after having held one's breath for a long time.

Now, I know what you are all thinking, "Natasha, you are not a loner. We've seen you work a room! Your the most social of the social butterflies!" I won't deny that I feed off of the energy in a room and yes, I do like to be social, but at most events that I attend I am just that, a butterfly, flitting from one conversation to another, stopping in for a sip of the nectar from this group and then flying off to the next.  I know why I seem like the social, extroverted one. I know the reason behind my flitting about and social insect behaviours.

I fear depth.

I fear that if I spend too much time with people, that they will see deeper into the real me and then not really want to be around me. And I can feel it. I can physically feel the wall that I put up when things get serious. It's both a defence mechanism and a protective shield. I am defending myself from the inside out and protecting myself from any {perceived} attack from afar. If she could, my therapist would tell you that this all goes back to my very early childhood and my feelings of never being good enough, of always being an outsider, of always dealing better with other people's feelings and problems than facing my own. This all makes me think that perhaps then my home, my concrete walled home, and the sense of relief I feel when I walk through it's doors, is a physical manifestation of this fear.

Commander Chris Hadfield of the Iternational Space Station, tweeted this photo and caption today.

 

That is how I feel some days, like mostly liquid rock covered by a thin crust. For the most part I can control the hot spots and keep everyone {including myself} safe and sound on the surface. If anyone tries to crack that surface though, my biggest fear it that it is gonna get really ugly. Everyone will see the messy, not so pretty parts of me, and will head off running in the other direction. I know that this is not likely true of most people and that I should give folks more credit, but hey, it's fear! It messes with our minds!

I also saw this tweet from Maria at @boredmommy earlier tonight. It is what sparked this rambling train of thought and post.

I thought about this and then came to the realization that I wouldn't change anything. I have a really wonderful life. One that I am incredibly grateful for. I don't want to go back to the career that I had pre-children, it just wouldn't work for our family and I don't foresee myself getting back into the 9-5 workforce anytime soon. I made a choice to be the at-home parent for my children, not just for when they were babies and in the safety of my arms, but for when they are leaving them and beginning to navigate the world beyond the walls of our home. This is when I think they are going to need me the most. I believe that part of my fear in the aforementioned social situations is that someone is going to ask me the dreaded "What do you DO?" question. I am afraid that I won't have an answer that is good enough for them. That me being a stay at home mom and yes, a sometimes blogger/writer too, will not be interesting or extraordinary enough for them.

As it happens when I am tackling issues of fear and vulnerability, I defer to the expert on these things, the wonderful Brene Brown. Please watch this 2010 TEDx talk she gave. At 6:34 she kind of blows my mind (as she has a tendency to do to a lot of people I am sure) and takes ALL THE WORDS FROM MY HEAD and puts them up on her screen!

[youtube]http://youtu.be/_UoMXF73j0c[/youtube]

I am an ordinary woman, living an ordinary life, loving my ordinary husband and raising my ordinary kids. And I like to write alone, at the end of my huge table, in my big beautiful sanctuary of a home.

And I am trying not to be afraid of scarcity anymore.

Maybe one day you can come over for coffee and we can talk about ordinary things together.

natasha~

Choosing a better hill

There is no shortage of divisive topics in our world these days. Gun control, abortion, gay rights, how you feed your baby, team Jacob vs. team Edward... just to name a few. But the one that seems to get no less than at least a half a dozen mentions a day on my twitter feed alone, and that is nothing when you look at the plethora of dedicated Facebook, reddit and tumblr sites, is none other than the Great Leggings Debate!  Now for the record, and in the interest of full disclosure, I have been firmly entrenched in the "leggings are NOT pants" camp for quite some time. I did not wear leggings for anything other than the gym or yoga, I held off for a long time on buying any kind of jean that resembled a legging or hugged too tight (or was officially called a "jegging") and even though I sometimes peruse sites like Blackmilk to see the latest in printed styles, I have always resisted the urge to buy. I have gotten into heated discussions with friends about the legging. I have been accused of policing others choices because of my stance on leggings. And yes, I have even sent my 4-year old daughter back to her room to add a skirt or a longer top or dress to her outfit because of my strict leggings rules.

In my world, leggings ARE NOT PANTS.

A week ago I read a post from Amanda Hess over at Slate's XX Factor and by golly, I think this woman is on to something.  For one thing, she fully agrees with me that leggings are not pants.

Pants are great if you’re a woman with the perfectly-calibrated corporate-sanctioned ratio of waist to ass to leg. What are you, a ringer for the jeans industry? It’s time to stop squeezing our lower bodies into constrictive denim prisons and instead envelope them in a forgiving cotton-spandex jersey. Never again will we be forced to choose between visible ass-crack and bulging muffin top.

She goes on to list some very compelling reasons why leggings are in fact far superior to pants. They are sturdy, footless (think toe seams on tights), don't bind us with control tops and are as she puts it "the sartorial equivalent of a warm bath."  There was nothing in her post that I could argue with and much that I laughed out loud to.

Last Sunday as my daughter and I spent the day at the mall, I stopped into one of my favourite new stores, LOLE. It is an active wear clothing store that is bright and beautiful and it makes me happy every time I walk through it. They happened to be having a 30% off sale and without hesitation I grabbed these leggings, headed to the till and bought them on the spot. I didn't even try them on. I just knew. I knew they were the ones.

I went home and put them on immediately. And I fell in love, or as Amanda so aptly puts it, into a warm leg bath. She was so right! Leggings really are superior to pants. Pants do nothing but make you focus on your bodies short comings. If they are not too tight in one area, they are too low in another. How often do you hear of a woman's incessant search for the perfect pair of jeans! I know I have yet to find them. But these leggings, with their lycra goodness, are sheer perfection!

My rules do still apply to them. I will not wear them without covering up my bum (and front) and the preferable footwear choice is still a boot. These are my rules folks, if you choose to adopt them as your own, be my guest. If not, I am not going to judge. Your body, your clothing choices, your life. If this is how you feel comfortable, who am I to be the one to tell you otherwise. Perhaps it is my age (or the wisdom of my years), but I appreciate comfort a lot more these days. I also have a thing for knee high socks and boots right now and the legging really works with this look.

So YES! I am throwing up the proverbial white flag, surrendering myself to the spandex-y goodness and donning my leggings with comfort and yes, some pride too!

And to be perfectly honest, fighting about what someone chooses to put on their legs is not the hill I want to die on.

What actions do you choose when confronted with those who don't see things as you do? Do you fight? Do you argue? Do you negotiate? Do you surrender? Let me tell you something right now. If you live more than a few days you will find conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional. You don’t have to fight about everything. Even the Marines have a saying, "Choose the hill you want to die on." If you must fight about something, if there must be that thing that will make you raise your voice, grind your teeth and pound your fist on a desk, let it be something that has to do with respect, dignity and integrity; or someone's attempt to deny another of one or all three of those things.

 ~ Demitri C. Kornegay

My legs, my leggings, my pride socks!!

Peace out!

natasha~

#40silverlinings: Catching up on a weeks worth!

OK, fine, almost two weeks.

#22. A massage. A beautiful hour and a half all to me, about me and for me! And I booked another one too!!

#23. My slow cooker. Coming home to a meal that is cooked and ready to eat is the BEST THING EVER. Now if only I could get more organized and on this for more days in the week.

#24. 2.5 pounds. That is how much weight I have lost in the last couple of weeks. It's not a lot, but slow and steady is going to win this race.

#25. SCHMUTZIE!! And Palinode too! A night out in real life with two of my favourite internet folks. They is good people yo!

#26. My new front teeth. I am the only one who really notices them, but I feel damn sexy with these new chompers! {And the ability to eat apples again!}

#27. Jen Banks and her obsessive need to see more seasons of Sons of Anarchy. And Netflix. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

#28. My kid doing a Foghorn Leghorn impression mid conversation with himself that almost made me fall off the bed laughing. Teletoon Retro for the win!

#29. And this. An artistic breakthrough for my little dinosaur aficionado. I am one proud mama! In case you are wondering... THIS is a Spinosaurus, biggest mofo of the Cretaceous period!

Here's to tomorrows silver lining, whatever it may be!

natasha~

#40silverlinings: Vet bills, zombies and Taylor swift

Some days the silver linings are harder to see. I haven't posted anything since last week. We have been busy. The kids had Thursday and Friday off because of teacher's convention and we had a lot going on.

I know the silver linings were there, I just had to look really hard for them through the fog of the migraine that I had for two days and a road trip on my own with two kids.

#17. A new vet who actually gave me some answers and proper treatment for my poor puppy's infected ears!

#18. My kids deciding to sing along to all songs on the radio these days and how cute C sounds when he is singing Maroon 5's 'Daylight' and the hilariousness of my 4 year old daughter belting out "We are never, ever, ever, getting back together!".

#19. Getting to know my step-mother (my late father's wife) better and seeing my kids embrace her as their 'new' Grandma.

#20. Realizing that I do not have to keep every single piece of paper my kids bring home from school and subsequently clearing out two bins of crafts and two binders full of said papers.

#21. Sunday night and zombies and Rick and the gang.

It's a new week and the sun is shining.

That is a good start.

Won't you join me in this quest for #40silverlinings and share with me your daily moments that shine?

Also, this is what happens after two hours on the road and less than five hours of sleep the night before. I'm warn you, it's not pretty!

[youtube]http://youtu.be/5uQ_inuD9FI[/youtube]

Till tomorrow,

Natasha~

Silver Linings List

I am a couple of days behind for my #40silverlinings posts and so tonight, I give you a small list of things that have made my week have that slight little glow around the edges.

#11. A return to regular date night for B and I. AND, I actually ate some incredible bacon-wrapped chorizo-stuffed dates that night as well, so...  it was a double date night! (Seriously though, check out Canteen when you can, you won't be disappointed.)

#12. My incredibly cheesy pun-iness! (See above. Yes, I am a dork.)

#13. A friend who is there for me whenever I need her, even when she is about to lose her own shit! (Love you L!!)

#14. NAPS. I swear on days when we ALL nap, everything gets outlined in silver and rainbows and covered in unicorn farts!

#15. This picture.

You're welcome.

(I might have a slight obsession with Sons of Anarchy right now, and Charlie Hunman is MY TV boyfriend! Get your own!)

Have a great weekend everyone,

Natasha~

(I do not know the origin of this photo, sorry lucky, lucky photographer who got to do this shoot!)

 

Daylight.

Oy! I am one tired human tonight.

It was a good day. Bikram yoga, skating with the kids, some shopping with the SILs and then dinner at the inlaws.

I have a post that I have been working on that I wanted to finish tonight, but I just can't. I can barely keep my eyes open.

So instead, I am going to finally finish folding Mount Laundry and then take my tired bones to bed... EARLY!

And that ladies and gents, is my Silver Lining for today.

#9. An early bedtime.

Oh yeah, AND...

I can't stop singing this song. {Badly, just ask my kids!}

[youtube]http://youtu.be/AqR-ElB5kXY[/youtube]