Back to School Worries
School brings out the scared, picked-on, not very popular, always in hand-me down clothes, gap-toothed, insecure, child of a broken home, 12 year old in me. In my mind I time travel back almost 30 years and walk down that long lonely hallway lined with army green lockers and ridiculous construction paper themed bulletin boards feeling the eyes of the more popular kids looking at me and judging, pointing, laughing. It's never a fun trip, I assure you.
So you can imagine my apprehension as the start of a new school year approaches. My oldest is entering grade 1 and my baby is going to kindergarten and I am a bit of a basket case right now.
Now, I am not a basket case in the unprepared and procrastinating kind of way. Nope. All school supplies are purchased, backpacks procured, new outfits and indoor shoe needs are all taken care of. I am instead worried about who their teachers are, who they are going to be in their classes with, how they are going to mesh with their friends, new and old, if anyone is going to pick on them, and how they are going to navigate the big bad world of life away from me and the sometimes brutal 'Game of Thrones' that is the playground at recess.
The problem is that while I am internally freaking out about this, externally, I am exhibiting all of these issues that are completely mine as frustration and exasperation with my children. I am yelling more, I am not actually being present for them RIGHT NOW, as I am too worried about what will be happening a month from now. This in turn is making them incredibly sensitive to everything I say or do. My poor girl thinks that every time I tell her something or correct her about anything that she is in deep trouble and then there are tears, lots and lots of tears. 'Not so Little Anymore' C just goes straight to tuning out almost anything I say, in what I assume is a pre-emptive move before he hears me try to say something that he just doesn't want to hear or tell him to do something that he doesn't want to do. If I had a SASS-o-Meter for that one, it would be out the roof right now!
What I am essentially saying is that the level of communication I have with my children at the moment is seriously lacking. I don't really have an excuse for it either, aside from the incessant worrying and my own internal bullies that keep threatening to drag me back to that hallway to be slammed into a locker once again. I worried back then that I was never good enough for anything or anyone, that I was unlovable (yes, yes, I know, I have abandonment issues), and that I would never have any friends who liked me for who I really was. And now, I am afraid I am projecting these fears onto my kids.
I worry that my behaviour as of late, is making them worried that I don't love and accept them for who and what they are. C is always seeking my approval and asking me if I am proud of him, and L worries that if I say I love you to someone other than her that I don't love her anymore. Somehow I have neglected to let them know or tell them the following. I am ridiculously proud of my son. He amazes me everyday with his artwork and illustrations and his incredible grasp of numbers and the basic physics of his world. I love that he is such a sensitive kid and is not afraid to show his emotions, it's the part of him that I know he got from me. And my daughter? She is so much me that sometimes it is a bit scary. She is a goof, has her own incredible sense of style, is carefree and easy with her love and blows me away with her daily silliness and her imagination. I am not sure I could love her more if I tried.
All this worrying and the worrying about worrying going on around here over has everyone functioning at such a heightened level of tension that it really doesn't take much for any one of us to snap. And trust me, you'd think this was a house full of crocodiles with the amount of snapping going on and it is high time for it all to stop.
And I am the only one who can actually do that. (Being a grown-up sucks!)
My kids are not me. They won't have the same experiences that I did growing up and no amount of me worrying about what happened 30 years ago is going to A) make it go away and B) make my relationships with my children any better today. I need to focus all of that energy that I am wasting on worrying, on letting them know all of the ways that I love them and on ensuring that they are secure, confident, kind human beings, who will be able to navigate their worlds better than I was ever able to do way back when. It's time for a good heart to heart with my children and for us to hit the reset button before school starts and I COMPLETELY lose my shit!
Natasha~
If only the people who worry about their liabilities would think about the riches they do possess,
they would stop worrying.
~Dale Carnegie
Photo Credit: abbmona on Flickr
P.S. ...this may or may not be the first post for the 2013 #SummerBlogChallenge.
Wordless Wednesday: Aliens from the Sky
An afternoon of play silks and superheros and aliens falling from the sky {AKA, leaves}!
And a Superdog too!
been slacking...
Ooops, it was a busy week and while I did take my daily pics, I have not had the time to post them until today.
Enjoy!
Day 23. Something Old.
The only thing I have from my dad, an antique Dutch wall clock.
I love this thing!
Day 24. Guilty Pleasure.
We have impromptu kitchen dance parties!
Day 25. Something I made.
Brown Bear, Brown Bear rice bag pillows
that the kids warm up every night before bed.
Day 26. Colour.
In a ring sling...
the brighter, the better in my opinion!
Day 27. Lunch.
Mmmm....mmm.... chili!
Day 28. Light.
This was a fluke picture.
I left the phone on the table and accidentally took this one.
#JANphotoaday Challenge
Three more to go!
village people
My children and I are "regulars" at our own mommy and toddler version of Cheers. Yup, it is true.
We go to a place where everybody knows our names, they're always glad we came, and very often the people and our troubles are all the same.
They have even named a drink after me! (And I may have been sitting there, without kids, drinking one while I wrote this!)
I am of course speaking of our local cafe and play place, the wonderful Cafe O'Play.
This parent's dream of a cafe was the first of its kind in our fair city and it is a very busy, bustling and yes, often chaotic place to be. There are kids ranging from 0-5 years of age running around, playing, eating, sometimes crying, and otherwise behaving as kids of that age often do. And their parents all sit and sip yummy lattes and watch them play (or play themselves on their various mobile devices)!
With that many kids around there are bound to be some tussles, there will be hitting and/or pushing, play car crashes will occur and someone will fight over a toy. Really, it is all to be expected if you ask me (if you need some insight into toddler behaviour, check out my guest post over at PhD in Parenting).
But I have a beef. Not with Cafe O'Play, nor any of their great staff.
Nor is it with all the crazy, cute and chaos-inducing kids running around.
I have a beef with the parents.
Let me explain.
When we go to the cafe, we go in and get settled at a table. I then do a 30 second assessment of who is there. I check out the kids and try to match them up with their parents. If my kids start playing with or around another kid or group of kids, I try to make eye contact with their parents, so that we all know who is with who.
For the most part the layout of the cafe is great. The play area is in the middle and the tables and chairs surround it. You can see most of the action from just about any seat in the house. But there are a few blind spots, and kids go in and out of the play structures and you may not be able to see them 100% of the time.
Yesterday, about 5 minutes before we were about to leave, I heard my 3-year-old screaming. I could not immediately see her (she was behind one of the play structures), but I knew it was more than just a "someone hurt my feelings' cry, this was an "I am HURT" cry. And as I got up to go get her, I took a look around and saw a room full of blank stares. Everyone could HEAR her and some parents were very close to her, yet, no one DID anything.
When I finally got her calmed down enough to tell me what happened and also found her brother for corroborating evidence, I found out that another child had pushed her off the top of the stairs going on to one of the play structures.
And here is the crux of my beef...
Did not at least ONE of the parents on that side of the cafe see this happen?
Quite possible they did not, but when L started screaming and crying AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS, you would think that someone would pay attention, perhaps see what the problem was and oh, I don't know, check to see if she was OK??!!
Have we become so far removed from the 'it takes a village' mentality that we can not even make the effort to say or do something when a child is hurt or crying?
I don't know.
Maybe it is just me.
Motherhood changed me. A LOT.
Sometimes I feel like it made me a universal mother of sorts.
I don't mean that to sound all high and mighty.
What I mean is this.
If I see a kid about to do something dangerous or stupid and there is no other responsible adult around to stop them, I WILL.
If I see a kid about to hurt, hit, push or otherwise do something to another child (especially mine) and I am within reaching or reacting distance, I will remove one or the other from said situation.
If I see a dad with two older kids and a set of infant twins waiting to get a table at the cafe and trying to wrangle all of them and their winter gear together when they finally get called to go in, I will walk over and offer to help carry a kid, a car seat or a handful of coats and boots in for him.
If I see a mama struggling with her toddler while also trying to calm a crying newborn, I will offer to take the baby for a few minutes.
If I see a child stuck in a play car, about to fall off a play structure, who has slipped and fallen on the floor, or whatever else may happen RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, I will check to see if he or she is OK and look around to make sure mommy or daddy is coming over or take said kid over to them.
I will say something to an older child if I feel that he or she is consistently breaking the "house rules" and no one else seems to want to intervene.
Some may think this makes me a busy body.
Some may think that I should never say things, especially disciplinary type things to children that are not my own.
I just don't agree.
I believe that it does take a village to raise our children. At a large play date or at our beloved Cafe I think this concept applies even more.
Why?
Because quite often we are outnumbered!
There are always more kids than adults and although the effort is made to keep an eye on them while they play and wreak havoc have fun, another parent's eyes and ears can easily become the ones you have always wanted in the back of your head. I say use them!
Now, don't get me wrong. My kids are not perfect angels and more than a few times, I have had fellow moms come up to me at the cafe to tell me that one or the other was starting to get a little aggressive. Am I slightly embarrassed by this? Kind of. But more so, I appreciate that they took the time to find me and let me know what was up.
Letting a kid know that biting or hitting or pushing or whatever is not acceptable behaviour is NOT a judgment on your parenting skills. They are kids and mostly toddlers for that matter and certain behaviours are age-expected. Any discipline that occurs likely involves removal, re-focus and often a snack break. And I don't know about you, but hearing another mama say something about behaviour or rule breaking seems to have a lot more credibility with my kids and makes them sit up an listen just a little bit harder!
I think we would all benefit from more of a village mentality and if we all made the effort to looked out for each other and each other's children more, especially when we are sharing a space together.
What do you think?
Natasha~
Photo Credit: Toddler fight over the Car from joannamarieharris on Flickr
pointing out rainbows
This post has been a long time coming. And I don't really know how to write it.
So here goes...
I have come to a realization over the past few months. (You Mamas out there with little babies, listen up!)
What I have realized is this. We have all been duped.
We have been duped into believing that our babies need us the most when they are brand new. And while, yes, it is true that they do need us to clothe, feed, soothe, love and protect them while they are so tiny and vulnerable, once you get into a routine and you find your mama-baby rhythm, things can get relatively easy at this point. Yes, I know, I am making some big generalizations here, but stick with me on this.
Last year I went to visit a friend in Toronto who had just had her third daughter. Her two older girls were 4 and 6 at the time. When I asked her if she was going to go back to work again after her maternity leave, I was very surprised to hear her say no, that now she needed to stay home with the girls. I assumed she meant because of the baby, but she told me that it was more for the older two. At that point I really did not understand what she meant.
Now I do.
My kids are 22 months apart. And while this was a challenge when they were say teeny babies and then at 6 and 28 months old and then again at 1 and 3, it is NOTHING compared to right this very minute when they are 3 and 5 years old.
They NEED me!
A LOT.
The questions they have need answers. They need to DO more. With their growing bodies and with their expanding minds. They are both in play school now and are starting to navigate the world of friends who are not always of my choosing. And all this means we have activities to attend, playdates to go to, new skills to hone and way more emotions to deal with on a daily, if not hourly basis.
So I need to be here for them, while they are still little. I know, that to some degree they will always need me, I just can't let them down right now. These years are important ones, the degree to which they are learning and growing and becoming little individuals with their own opinions and feelings is astounding and I need to be giving them my full attention. It's my job to help them navigate through this time in their lives and it is the most precious and MOST IMPORTANT job that I have.
In the past year I have spent way too much time saying the following phrases over and over to my kids,
"Just one more email and then Mommy will come and play with you."
"I just need to pack up these orders and then we can go to the park."
" Please wait...."
"Just five more minutes..."
The list goes on.
And it is not only that. As a family, Natural Urban Dad and I made the decision that I would be the stay-at-home parent. We did not want to have both of us working, have our kids in daycare and have our money go to someone else to spend most of the day with our kids. We are very fortunate that we can make that choice and it is one that I never, ever want to take for granted or lose sight of why we made it in the first place.
In the past six months I have been increasing our babysitter's hours on a regular basis to the point that I might as well just call her our nanny and be done with it. Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE my babysitter, like, REALLY love her. And so do my kids. But for the months before Christmas, every time I would have to go to a meeting or an event or just lock myself in the office to get some work done, I would come home to kids who missed me the whole time I was gone, who became super clingy for the rest of the day and night and who kept saying over and over how much they wish I didn't have to go away so much. The guilt that I was feeling and the mounting childcare bill where getting to the point that I was starting to feel ridiculously overwhelmed. And I started questioning whether 'having it all' or 'trying to do it all' was really worth it anymore.
Turns out it is not.
And the time has come for me to make a few changes in my life.
The first of which is that...
Natural Urban Mamas, THE STORE, will be closing its virtual doors.
This was a very long and hard decision to make, but one that I know is right for me and for my family at this time. I want to thank each and every one of you who has supported me on this journey. I have learned so much about life, about business, about myself and about the strength and determination that lives in so many of you through this adventure called entrepreneurship. I have made some life long friends and probably a few frenemies along the way too. I thank you all for lifting me up and making me want to be a better person, a better mother and a better business woman.
I want you to know that I am not going away. I have spent a lot of time and effort in educating myself about and being an advocate for babywearing and breastfeeding and all kinds of aspects of natural parenting. This part of Natural Urban Mamas will remain. I will still be doing workshops and speaking engagements and you will be able to find me here on the Natural Urban Mama blog or on Twitter or Facebook whenever you need to. Just know that I may not respond as quickly as I have in the past, because I will likely be watching someone learn to float on their back all by themselves or I'll be hanging out at the museum with a certain bug-crazy small individual.
“The work will wait while you show your child the rainbow, but the rainbow won't wait while you do the work.”
Patricia Clafford
I want my kids to remember these years and our time spent together and I want to know that I did all that I could to make it memorable for all of us.
Thank you all!
Much Love,
Natasha~
And lucky YOU! Starting on January 30th and while supplies last,
Our "UNTIL IT IS ALL GONE" Blow-out Sale will be happening at Natural Urban Mamas.com!
Makes me smile.
and then chase her down...
Toddler trying to abscond with my new Kate Spade!
You really can't blame her! It totally goes with her outfit.
Day 6. Makes me Smile.
#JANphotoaday
Toddlers and Heros!
Call me silly, but I am SO, so excited tonight.
A week and a half ago Annie at Phd in Parenting asked me to guest post for her awesome Carnival of Toddlers this month.
And I really can't lie, I may have done a few internal cartwheels when she sent me that tweet! Because here is the thing, Annie is kind of one of my heros. I have so much respect for her as an activist, a parent and a writer. I even sometimes think in my head when confronted with certain parenting and/or ethical questions..."What would Annie Do?"
I had the immense pleasure of meeting her at Blissdom Canada this past October and she really is as awesome in person as she is online!
So without further ado, here is the link to my guest post all about 'Toddler Survival 101'!
I do hope you like it and that you can get some tips from it to help you make it through these often trying but really quite terrific toddler years!!
Giddy as all heck,
Natasha~