#40silverlinings: Vet bills, zombies and Taylor swift
Some days the silver linings are harder to see. I haven't posted anything since last week. We have been busy. The kids had Thursday and Friday off because of teacher's convention and we had a lot going on.
I know the silver linings were there, I just had to look really hard for them through the fog of the migraine that I had for two days and a road trip on my own with two kids.
#17. A new vet who actually gave me some answers and proper treatment for my poor puppy's infected ears!
#18. My kids deciding to sing along to all songs on the radio these days and how cute C sounds when he is singing Maroon 5's 'Daylight' and the hilariousness of my 4 year old daughter belting out "We are never, ever, ever, getting back together!".
#19. Getting to know my step-mother (my late father's wife) better and seeing my kids embrace her as their 'new' Grandma.
#20. Realizing that I do not have to keep every single piece of paper my kids bring home from school and subsequently clearing out two bins of crafts and two binders full of said papers.
#21. Sunday night and zombies and Rick and the gang.
It's a new week and the sun is shining.
That is a good start.
Won't you join me in this quest for #40silverlinings and share with me your daily moments that shine?
Also, this is what happens after two hours on the road and less than five hours of sleep the night before. I'm warn you, it's not pretty!
[youtube]http://youtu.be/5uQ_inuD9FI[/youtube]
Till tomorrow,
Natasha~
I love my twitter stream....
Because I find hashtags like #MAKERSchat, that take me to the most inspiring, frustrating, idealistic, political and personal piece of television I have ever seen! I just spent the last 151 minutes watching Makers: Women who make America, and I highly recommend you watch it too. Download the video from iTunes, catch it again on PBS, find a friend who saved it on her PVR.
Just watch it.
It is our story, the story of women, the story that is not over...
[youtube]http://youtu.be/OOBo4hnk2g0[/youtube]
That my dears, is my silver lining for today (#16).
Good night my sisters!
Natasha~
this side of pro-choice
***Trigger warning: The following post covers the topic of abortion.
Please be aware of this while reading and sharing.***
** It also comes with some book spoilers too.**
I am part of a book club. Really, who isn't these days?
We are a bunch of women from all walks of life that meet once every 6-8 weeks and drink wine and eat chocolate and cheese and yes, we even discuss books!
This past week was Book Club Week and I was especially looking forward to it, because, 1) I really needed a night out and said wine and chocolate and 2) I actually finished this month's book choice a whole week ahead of time.
The book was Caitlin Moran's half autobiography, half feminist manifesto, "How to be a Woman". And if you haven't read it already, then I highly recommend you get yourself in the queue for the e-book from your local library ASAP! (See what I did there? Talking like a Brit. QUEUE!)
I am not going to lie, I really LOVED this book. It has already inspired this post a few weeks ago and after the many discussions had at book club last week, I can't help but write even more.
Once we had all settled in with our wine and chocolate and a hand-full of mini Licorice Allsorts (SCORE!!), it was time to get the formal discussion part of the night underway. I wasn't surprised that the first question, "Do you consider yourself a feminist?", caused some in the room to hesitate with an answer. I think the definition of feminism (we had the 39-page Wikipedia print out) has undergone so many waves and permutations that most women are confused by its meaning and as such find it hard identifying with it as part of who they are. This was a good a place as any to get the discussion going and go it did!
And while the topic of feminism and it's definition generated a lot of good idea sharing and clarification for some, the one chapter that got the most air time and perhaps evoked the most emotion in all of us, was Caitlin's very candid, brutally honest chapter on abortion.
I had to read this chapter twice to really absorb it and to understand what she was trying to say in it. It is a touchy subject, no matter how you frame it and Caitlin forced me to reexamine my views on the subject from all angles. All I could think of afterwards was how much respect I had for this woman. Caitlin writes that in the few minutes after she learns of the pregnancy, the minutes that pass in which she imagines this baby, this boy's whole life, she says:
"I can't have you," I tell him sadly. "The world will fall in if I have you."
She goes on to describe her abortion in detail and also how easy this decision was for her to make. Some in my group saw this as narcissistic and selfish, and I would suspect they thought it very unmotherly of her. Everyone around the room claimed to be pro-choice, but a lot of them had a very hard time with the way that she described her unborn child, the abortion itself, and the speed with which Caitlin made her choice to have one.
But I got it.
And when I was reading this chapter all I could think about was two years ago, when B and I were discussing whether or not to have another child (also known as me insisting that I "had a feeling that I wasn't done" and him telling me that he didn't have it in him again), HE got it too. Way before I did.
..........
I believe that as mothers, we are programmed (and to varying extents, expected) to give and give and give. We have a child and all of a sudden the weight of the world is literally on our shoulders and God forbid you have an unmotherly thought in your mind or do something that does not fully acknowledge you as the self-sacrificing martyr that you somehow have now become. Sometimes we lose sight of how much of ourselves we are constantly giving. That for some it gets to the point that we are no longer happy, no longer fulfilled, feeling resentment, suffering in silence from anxiety and depression and just going through the motions of our lives. Why do we do this to ourselves? There is no prize for who sacrificed the most, who is the most giving, who loses themselves the most in this gig.
So why on earth would we ever tell a woman that all zygotes conceived must be born, or that she should not have that choice, especially if it indeed does mean that her world will fall in?
One of the mamas in our club said that the reason she wanted to have three children was because she wanted that sense of happy chaos in her family and not just the easiness of two kids. I understood what she meant, but her comments gave me pause and got me thinking more about this.
Who decides what level of chaos is "happy" for any family?
For some that may be three children, for others it is one child, for others still it may be 5 or 6, or if you are the Duggars it is 20+. Whatever your number is, what is important is that YOU know what that threshold is, that you know your capacity for love, for giving, for, as Caitlin so aptly puts it, "...being life support to someone who weeps for me and rages against me..." Because when it comes down to it, no matter how much we are told that it is, that capacity is NOT without its limits and without sacrificing something in return.
I left this chapter with a new understanding of what pro-choice means to me. It is not just about choosing to have an abortion or not, it is about choosing a life that is versus a life that may be. I have a deep respect for Caitlin and all other women like her, who are strong enough to make a choice that says, "THIS. This is all the family that I WANT, all that I NEED and I simply can not do more than this." Her words and her story and her ease with which she made her decision, a decision based on her threshold for keeping her world together, keeping herself whole and sane, and made with no guilt or shame, made it very clear to me that so many of our choices in life (and especially in motherhood) are not made like that.
Last week Annie at Phd in Parenting took a closer look at the issue of choice and why it is seen as stalling feminism these days. The one line in her post that struck me the most was when she said,
"Shame is a barrier to social change, in feminism and in many other spaces."
And this is what was bothering me that night at book club. I was in the minority in my feelings about Caitlin's chapter and opinions on abortion and I couldn't understand why. Then I read Annie's post and it hit me, the other women in the room did not feel that Caitlin showed enough shame or guilt about her decision. That she was too flippant about it. That is was callous of her to describe this child and imagine his life, knowing full well that he was never to be born. The problem was that everyone was thinking about the potential child in this situation and not the ACTUAL WOMAN LIVING HER LIFE RIGHT NOW, who showed no shame in her decision and made it with a certainty that made a lot of people uncomfortable.
And then, two more very important questions and issues arose for me that night that I am realizing are quite complex and quite possibly rooted in some deep, deep patriarchy.
Why do we always question (and judge) the motives of a woman's decisions when it comes to her body and those she brings forth from it?
AND
Why are decisions made out of love (and knowledge) of ourselves as women and mothers almost always seen as inherently selfish?
I would love to hear what you have to say on this.
Natasha~
this side of pro-choice
***Trigger warning: The following post covers the topic of abortion.
Please be aware of this while reading and sharing.***
** It also comes with some book spoilers too.**
I am part of a book club. Really, who isn't these days?
We are a bunch of women from all walks of life that meet once every 6-8 weeks and drink wine and eat chocolate and cheese and yes, we even discuss books!
This past week was Book Club Week and I was especially looking forward to it, because, 1) I really needed a night out and said wine and chocolate and 2) I actually finished this month's book choice a whole week ahead of time.
The book was Caitlin Moran's half autobiography, half feminist manifesto, "How to be a Woman". And if you haven't read it already, then I highly recommend you get yourself in the queue for the e-book from your local library ASAP! (See what I did there? Talking like a Brit. QUEUE!)
I am not going to lie, I really LOVED this book. It has already inspired this post a few weeks ago and after the many discussions had at book club last week, I can't help but write even more.
Once we had all settled in with our wine and chocolate and a hand-full of mini Licorice Allsorts (SCORE!!), it was time to get the formal discussion part of the night underway. I wasn't surprised that the first question, "Do you consider yourself a feminist?", caused some in the room to hesitate with an answer. I think the definition of feminism (we had the 39-page Wikipedia print out) has undergone so many waves and permutations that most women are confused by its meaning and as such find it hard identifying with it as part of who they are. This was a good a place as any to get the discussion going and go it did!
And while the topic of feminism and it's definition generated a lot of good idea sharing and clarification for some, the one chapter that got the most air time and perhaps evoked the most emotion in all of us, was Caitlin's very candid, brutally honest chapter on abortion.
I had to read this chapter twice to really absorb it and to understand what she was trying to say in it. It is a touchy subject, no matter how you frame it and Caitlin forced me to reexamine my views on the subject from all angles. All I could think of afterwards was how much respect I had for this woman. Caitlin writes that in the few minutes after she learns of the pregnancy, the minutes that pass in which she imagines this baby, this boy's whole life, she says:
"I can't have you," I tell him sadly. "The world will fall in if I have you."
She goes on to describe her abortion in detail and also how easy this decision was for her to make. Some in my group saw this as narcissistic and selfish, and I would suspect they thought it very unmotherly of her. Everyone around the room claimed to be pro-choice, but a lot of them had a very hard time with the way that she described her unborn child, the abortion itself, and the speed with which Caitlin made her choice to have one.
But I got it.
And when I was reading this chapter all I could think about was two years ago, when B and I were discussing whether or not to have another child (also known as me insisting that I "had a feeling that I wasn't done" and him telling me that he didn't have it in him again), HE got it too. Way before I did.
..........
I believe that as mothers, we are programmed (and to varying extents, expected) to give and give and give. We have a child and all of a sudden the weight of the world is literally on our shoulders and God forbid you have an unmotherly thought in your mind or do something that does not fully acknowledge you as the self-sacrificing martyr that you somehow have now become. Sometimes we lose sight of how much of ourselves we are constantly giving. That for some it gets to the point that we are no longer happy, no longer fulfilled, feeling resentment, suffering in silence from anxiety and depression and just going through the motions of our lives. Why do we do this to ourselves? There is no prize for who sacrificed the most, who is the most giving, who loses themselves the most in this gig.
So why on earth would we ever tell a woman that all zygotes conceived must be born, or that she should not have that choice, especially if it indeed does mean that her world will fall in?
One of the mamas in our club said that the reason she wanted to have three children was because she wanted that sense of happy chaos in her family and not just the easiness of two kids. I understood what she meant, but her comments gave me pause and got me thinking more about this.
Who decides what level of chaos is "happy" for any family?
For some that may be three children, for others it is one child, for others still it may be 5 or 6, or if you are the Duggars it is 20+. Whatever your number is, what is important is that YOU know what that threshold is, that you know your capacity for love, for giving, for, as Caitlin so aptly puts it, "...being life support to someone who weeps for me and rages against me..." Because when it comes down to it, no matter how much we are told that it is, that capacity is NOT without its limits and without sacrificing something in return.
I left this chapter with a new understanding of what pro-choice means to me. It is not just about choosing to have an abortion or not, it is about choosing a life that is versus a life that may be. I have a deep respect for Caitlin and all other women like her, who are strong enough to make a choice that says, "THIS. This is all the family that I WANT, all that I NEED and I simply can not do more than this." Her words and her story and her ease with which she made her decision, a decision based on her threshold for keeping her world together, keeping herself whole and sane, and made with no guilt or shame, made it very clear to me that so many of our choices in life (and especially in motherhood) are not made like that.
Last week Annie at Phd in Parenting took a closer look at the issue of choice and why it is seen as stalling feminism these days. The one line in her post that struck me the most was when she said,
"Shame is a barrier to social change, in feminism and in many other spaces."
And this is what was bothering me that night at book club. I was in the minority in my feelings about Caitlin's chapter and opinions on abortion and I couldn't understand why. Then I read Annie's post and it hit me, the other women in the room did not feel that Caitlin showed enough shame or guilt about her decision. That she was too flippant about it. That is was callous of her to describe this child and imagine his life, knowing full well that he was never to be born. The problem was that everyone was thinking about the potential child in this situation and not the ACTUAL WOMAN LIVING HER LIFE RIGHT NOW, who showed no shame in her decision and made it with a certainty that made a lot of people uncomfortable.
And then, two more very important questions and issues arose for me that night that I am realizing are quite complex and quite possibly rooted in some deep, deep patriarchy.
Why do we always question (and judge) the motives of a woman's decisions when it comes to her body and those she brings forth from it?
AND
Why are decisions made out of love (and knowledge) of ourselves as women and mothers almost always seen as inherently selfish?
I would love to hear what you have to say on this.
Natasha~
Silver Linings List
I am a couple of days behind for my #40silverlinings posts and so tonight, I give you a small list of things that have made my week have that slight little glow around the edges.
#11. A return to regular date night for B and I. AND, I actually ate some incredible bacon-wrapped chorizo-stuffed dates that night as well, so... it was a double date night! (Seriously though, check out Canteen when you can, you won't be disappointed.)#12. My incredibly cheesy pun-iness! (See above. Yes, I am a dork.)
#13. A friend who is there for me whenever I need her, even when she is about to lose her own shit! (Love you L!!)
#14. NAPS. I swear on days when we ALL nap, everything gets outlined in silver and rainbows and covered in unicorn farts!
#15. This picture.
You're welcome.
(I might have a slight obsession with Sons of Anarchy right now, and Charlie Hunman is MY TV boyfriend! Get your own!)
Have a great weekend everyone,
Natasha~
(I do not know the origin of this photo, sorry lucky, lucky photographer who got to do this shoot!)
gap
When I was 12 going on 13, I was kind of a messed up kid. I was dealing with my father remarrying and in my mind abandoning us for a whole new family, I was still hiding the fact that a neighbour had molested me and I was facing the terrifying prospect of starting Grade 9 at a brand new school. And I had a gap between my two front teeth.
While that list up top should have been tops on the priority list of un-messing me, it was my teeth that became the focus of my insecurities. I BEGGED my mother to take me to our dentist to have caps put on to get rid of the offending gap. For some reason that I still don't understand, she agreed to this, and before I started school that year my gap was gone.
As it turns out, no amount of dental work takes the target off your back once you are get in the cross hairs of the 'wrong' crowd. I won't bore you with the details of teenage cruelty, but let's just say that high school was not a great time in my life. I rejoiced at the end of each year of it, because that meant one less class of the mean girls and jackasses picking on me.
Fast forward to sometime in late 1998 and having grown up and lived and come to love myself a bit more, I decided it was time to let my gapped tooth smile shine for all the world to see. I was gonna rock that thing Lauren Bacall and Madonna style!
I went to my then dentist and told him what I wanted. What seemed to me to be an easy fix (take of the caps), was in fact, not possible. After too many years bonded to the front of my teeth, the old caps had to be drilled off and the only option I had then was to have full crowns put in place.
I remember being quite disappointed about this. I really wanted to own that gap of mine and be proud of it. To reclaim a teeny tiny part of me that I had lost so many years ago. This wasn't just about my teeth, it was about being proud of myself and celebrating my fight back to the land of self-esteem. Alas, this was not meant to be and crowns were made and new front teeth I got.
Those chompers have served me well up until now and it seems I have a new "gap" to deal with. My advancing age, an annoying case of receding gums and a new dentist who swears she can make my smile even better, all added up to me sitting in her office for three hours this morning, shedding the old crowns and prepping for my new, NEW front teeth.
So why exactly am I telling you all about my dental history?
I am not sure really.
Maybe it's because sitting in that reclined dentist chair, watching The Marilyn Denis Show on the TV in the ceiling, brought back memories of the reasons I wanted to get rid of that gap in the first place. Maybe it is because in those days, I was so worried about being made fun of, that my only thought was to get rid of any imperfection that I thought would give the mean kids more ammo against me.
And maybe because I was thinking about this so much today, that this video and the penetrating voice of the incredible Shane Koyczan hit me square in the teeth!!
Please watch it, and share it and remember it.
As I remember that gap-toothed tween from so long ago and give her a big huge hug and tell her she is BEAUTIFUL!
[vimeo]http://vimeo.com/59956490[/vimeo]
Thank you,
Natasha~
P.S. This whole getting new, new front teeth is my silver lining for today (#10) ... I have been waiting for a few years to do this and now was the time.
motherhood mountaineering
Why is it that every few months someone gets it in their head to go on a rant against motherhood? It's as if these people forget that they actually have mothers and in most cases are themselves mothers too. This week's target was none other than 'the mommy blogger'. Her crime you ask? Taking feminism a step back because she has discovered a hidden talent for making crafts out of paint swatches or finding the best homemade organic baby food mix for her fussy little eater and subsequently blogging about it.
In her Huffpo piece this past week, Amana Manori of The Purple Fig says that the problem (as she sees it) is this:
"... many of these blogs perpetuate gender stereotypes and generalize female behaviour. Intentionally or unintentionally, many mommy bloggers do one of two things. First, many mommy bloggers may be living very fulfilling and well-rounded lives that you don't get to see through their blogs. However, when all they talk about is such things as making homemade organic-only baby food, they disregard these other aspects of their lives resulting in a partial portrayal of motherhood.
On the flip side, it is true that some mommy bloggers are solely occupied with such tasks as canning baby food yet; their blogs suggest their lives are deeply fulfilling and they wouldn't want to be doing anything else. This type of blog not only perpetuates the false notion that women are only happy to be in the home and would prefer to spend their days fussing over things related to the house; but also, inadvertently isolates other mothers who don't measure up."
To me this sounds like nothing more than another mom feeling some kind of inadequacy in her life and looking for someone else to blame for that. Oh and for page views, she wraps it all up with keywords like anti-feminism. Correct me if I am wrong but anyone who starts a post with the words, "I consider myself a feminist." and then proceeds to condemn other women for their choices, seems to me, decidedly NOT very feminist.
Aside from that though, let's consider her argument for a minute. Is it really so bad to fully immerse oneself into a new position or role? Would we expect anything less from someone in the workforce starting a new job, or managing a new project? Why, oh why, are mothers {and specifically the stay-at-home type} always put into a completely different (undervalued, yet overly judged) category than anyone else, male or female?
Think about it. No other group or subsection of society has so much scrutiny placed on them, so much pressure to NOT SCREW THINGS UP, than mothers. From the moment of conception, everything we eat, everything we do to ourselves is up for comment and general concern. That is a lot of pressure folks! And even if you do manage to DO everything perfectly, eat all the right foods, take all the right vitamins, rest, work out, whatever, none of that is a guarantee that something won't go wrong.
And then you give birth (in whatever way is best for you or you know the most about) to this new little human. And the pressure mounts and life as you have known it, changes forever. Having done this twice, I have this to say to Ms. Manori, YES, everything I was before that moment, the woman I was, Natasha A.B. (ante-baby), flew right out the window.
And then I became MORE.
I became a true citizen of the earth, with newfound cares and thoughts for more than just me and my life and comforts. I will be the first to admit that before I had kids I was selfish. I lived my life for me and my concern for others was not as great. I had the tunnel vision of a lot of DINC (double income no children), upwardly mobile thirty-somethings. Yes, my husband and I were planning for a family, but we had things on our bucket list to check off first and even then, we really did not think that life would be that much different once kids entered the picture. He would take a few weeks off, I would go back to work after six months and life would be peachy keen.
HA!
Having a child is akin to coming out of a very long tunnel under a mountain {pun TOTALLY intended}. One one side of the mountain, you have the hilly (pre-baby) side. Everything is nice and pretty and the trails are relatively easy to manoeuvre around. You can take long leisurely walks and picnic by the stream whenever you want. Then, one day, you decide to try going over to the other side. You get in your car, turn on your lights and enter the tunnel and drive for a while. After a bit, you finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and you come out of it and...
BAM!!!
The terrain has completely changed.
Now you are faced with this jagged, wild, uncharted territory. Their are no easy trails in this side of the mountain, you have to hack through some pretty thick brush and make your own. Sometimes you are going to go the wrong way and end up at the edge of a cliff or up against a wall of rock. Other times you will blaze a new trail to the most amazing waterfall full of rainbows and find treasures you did not know existed. Either way, you learn. You learn what works, what doesn't and what it takes to keep going.
Along the way, you may also learn that you are really, really good at things that previously did not exist in your life {on the other side of the mountain}. For some that may be uncovering their inner craft-onista and getting your grandma's old sewing machine or knitting needles out. For others, like myself, it may be discovering a whole new world of parenting through babywearing and building a community around that. And yes, for some it is even about turning their kitchens into tiny testing grounds for every conceivable mix of pureed organic baby food.
And because we live in an era of online sharing and often find our parenting "villages" or community through our internet connections, some moms like to blog about these new things that they have discovered about themselves and on this new terrain. What Ms. Manori failed to recognize in her post, is that for some of these mommy bloggers, their crafting and puree-ing and babywearing and sharing of these activities through their blogs and social media, leads some of them to be incredible business women, entrepreneurs and leaders in their communities.
I don't have to look far to find the likes of such mommies in my own community. We have an organic-food-pureeing mom to thank for the wonderful, and very successful Baby Gourmet line of products that often satisfy even the fussiest of eaters. Or the ever crafty DIY Mommy, who took her craftiness and creativity to global levels with the creation of Golly Gee Baby, a kids clothing line that is now manufactured with a fair trade cooperative in Nicaragua. This list goes on and on and really, there is no shortage of "mommy bloggers" out there who are making their mark in this world and forging new trails on this side of the mountain.
So, no, I do not think that mommy bloggers are not a step back for feminism. I think they are brave mothers navigating their way across the rough terrain of the Motherhood Mountain Range.
And sometimes they leave breadcrumbs {or blog posts} for those of us following behind to help us on our own journeys across the range too.
The incredible Koolau Mountain Range, Oahu, Hawaii.
Happy Trailblazing,
natasha~
Daylight.
Oy! I am one tired human tonight.
It was a good day. Bikram yoga, skating with the kids, some shopping with the SILs and then dinner at the inlaws.
I have a post that I have been working on that I wanted to finish tonight, but I just can't. I can barely keep my eyes open.
So instead, I am going to finally finish folding Mount Laundry and then take my tired bones to bed... EARLY!
And that ladies and gents, is my Silver Lining for today.
#9. An early bedtime.
Oh yeah, AND...
I can't stop singing this song. {Badly, just ask my kids!}
[youtube]http://youtu.be/AqR-ElB5kXY[/youtube]