om.....
Today I am running through all the phrases and sayings and meditations I can to keep my calm.
"Everything happens for a reason."
"Problems are not stops signs, they are guideposts." Robert Schuller
"The greater the difficulty, the more glory in surmounting it. Skillful pilots gain their reputation from storms and tempests." Epictetus
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...." Dory
It is kind of working. Although I am pretty sure I freaked my kids out real good when I broke down and started sobbing after I picked them up (25 minutes late) from school, got another phone call about the Natural Urban Home and YET another issue that is not going as planned that I have to deal with and after I yelled at them to stop the FUCKING WHINING ALREADY!! (Sad to say--that is a direct quote.)
I really just have to calm down, take some deep breaths and repeat the above words of wisdom over and over (obviously, not the part about the whining!). Sitting here in Starbucks and writing it all down with my lovely Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte seems to be helping a bit.
I feel like I am at a weird cusp in my life right now. There is a lot of "When this happens, it will get better..." sentences being said to me, from myself and others.
"When our current house is sold, we won't have to worry so much..."
"When the store is finally closed, you won't feel so stressed and can focus on the kids more..."
"After the move, everything will settle down and it will get all better..."
I know that this is all true and that our life will be a lot less hectic in a few months. It is the time until then that I am worried about. And my stress and anxiety over it is rubbing off on those that I love the most. Especially the kids.
And if I have taught my kids one thing it is to be very open with me about their feelings.
To hear from your 5-year-old that I am not a fun mommy or the dreaded "I hate YOU!", sucks ASS! And the 3-year-old even told me that I scared her the other day with my yelling. So, you can imagine the heaping, stinky pile of 'mommy guilt' that I am under right now. The boy is not wrong...I am not a fun mommy right now.
I really have to try to keep this in check and keep my eye on the bigger picture. I can't afford to let myself slip back to where I was back in October. I need to be the non-toxic glue keeping it all together right now. For myself and for my little family.
So on that note...
I give you the things I am grateful for today:
1. A husband who comes home from work and tells me to go sleep off my migraine and takes care of all parental and house duties.
2. An hour at the gym with my awesome trainer, who kicks my ass and reminds me that YES, I CAN do this!
3. Amazing friends who will pick up my kids from school when I am late and offer help whenever I need it.
4. My babysitter. Gawd, I am SO thankful for her on days like today!
5. My contractor's Site Manager. Cute, competent and completely honest with me at all times.
6. Sunshine on a winter's day.
7. The current roof over our heads as well as the new one we are building.
8. Friends who chat with me on Facebook and make me feel normal.
9. The way my daughter looks like such a big girl with her hair in a ponytail.
10. How they both speak louder and slower when I ask them to use their big boy/girl voice as opposed to a whiney one.
11. I said this already, but a nice hot Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte and the background noise of my local Starbuck's.
12. My favourite green t-shirt.
13. Bank tellers that know me by name.
14. Picking up my new designer spring dress from My Filosophy. (A beautiful orange number by Joeffer Caoc.)
15. A dog who comes in for a snuggle and a pet, especially when I am crying.
16. Writing as therapy...
See, I'm feeling better already.
Om.......
Natasha~
pointing out rainbows
This post has been a long time coming. And I don't really know how to write it.
So here goes...
I have come to a realization over the past few months. (You Mamas out there with little babies, listen up!)
What I have realized is this. We have all been duped.
We have been duped into believing that our babies need us the most when they are brand new. And while, yes, it is true that they do need us to clothe, feed, soothe, love and protect them while they are so tiny and vulnerable, once you get into a routine and you find your mama-baby rhythm, things can get relatively easy at this point. Yes, I know, I am making some big generalizations here, but stick with me on this.
Last year I went to visit a friend in Toronto who had just had her third daughter. Her two older girls were 4 and 6 at the time. When I asked her if she was going to go back to work again after her maternity leave, I was very surprised to hear her say no, that now she needed to stay home with the girls. I assumed she meant because of the baby, but she told me that it was more for the older two. At that point I really did not understand what she meant.
Now I do.
My kids are 22 months apart. And while this was a challenge when they were say teeny babies and then at 6 and 28 months old and then again at 1 and 3, it is NOTHING compared to right this very minute when they are 3 and 5 years old.
They NEED me!
A LOT.
The questions they have need answers. They need to DO more. With their growing bodies and with their expanding minds. They are both in play school now and are starting to navigate the world of friends who are not always of my choosing. And all this means we have activities to attend, playdates to go to, new skills to hone and way more emotions to deal with on a daily, if not hourly basis.
So I need to be here for them, while they are still little. I know, that to some degree they will always need me, I just can't let them down right now. These years are important ones, the degree to which they are learning and growing and becoming little individuals with their own opinions and feelings is astounding and I need to be giving them my full attention. It's my job to help them navigate through this time in their lives and it is the most precious and MOST IMPORTANT job that I have.
In the past year I have spent way too much time saying the following phrases over and over to my kids,
"Just one more email and then Mommy will come and play with you."
"I just need to pack up these orders and then we can go to the park."
" Please wait...."
"Just five more minutes..."
The list goes on.
And it is not only that. As a family, Natural Urban Dad and I made the decision that I would be the stay-at-home parent. We did not want to have both of us working, have our kids in daycare and have our money go to someone else to spend most of the day with our kids. We are very fortunate that we can make that choice and it is one that I never, ever want to take for granted or lose sight of why we made it in the first place.
In the past six months I have been increasing our babysitter's hours on a regular basis to the point that I might as well just call her our nanny and be done with it. Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE my babysitter, like, REALLY love her. And so do my kids. But for the months before Christmas, every time I would have to go to a meeting or an event or just lock myself in the office to get some work done, I would come home to kids who missed me the whole time I was gone, who became super clingy for the rest of the day and night and who kept saying over and over how much they wish I didn't have to go away so much. The guilt that I was feeling and the mounting childcare bill where getting to the point that I was starting to feel ridiculously overwhelmed. And I started questioning whether 'having it all' or 'trying to do it all' was really worth it anymore.
Turns out it is not.
And the time has come for me to make a few changes in my life.
The first of which is that...
Natural Urban Mamas, THE STORE, will be closing its virtual doors.
This was a very long and hard decision to make, but one that I know is right for me and for my family at this time. I want to thank each and every one of you who has supported me on this journey. I have learned so much about life, about business, about myself and about the strength and determination that lives in so many of you through this adventure called entrepreneurship. I have made some life long friends and probably a few frenemies along the way too. I thank you all for lifting me up and making me want to be a better person, a better mother and a better business woman.
I want you to know that I am not going away. I have spent a lot of time and effort in educating myself about and being an advocate for babywearing and breastfeeding and all kinds of aspects of natural parenting. This part of Natural Urban Mamas will remain. I will still be doing workshops and speaking engagements and you will be able to find me here on the Natural Urban Mama blog or on Twitter or Facebook whenever you need to. Just know that I may not respond as quickly as I have in the past, because I will likely be watching someone learn to float on their back all by themselves or I'll be hanging out at the museum with a certain bug-crazy small individual.
“The work will wait while you show your child the rainbow, but the rainbow won't wait while you do the work.”
Patricia Clafford
I want my kids to remember these years and our time spent together and I want to know that I did all that I could to make it memorable for all of us.
Thank you all!
Much Love,
Natasha~
And lucky YOU! Starting on January 30th and while supplies last,
Our "UNTIL IT IS ALL GONE" Blow-out Sale will be happening at Natural Urban Mamas.com!
three days
Day 10: Childhood...
heroes that is.
Day 11: Where I sleep...
well, at least it will be in about 6-8 weeks.
Day 12: Close-up
My beautiful "Renaissance Baby" nursing.
For most of my #JANphotoaday shots I have been using a new photography App called Camera+ and I am really liking it.
I hope you are enjoying my shots!
N~
learning to love forty
I have been forty years old for 12 days now. It's growing on me. Slowly.
And so when I saw this in my Facebook feed today I immediately clicked on it.
Check out what the ever so wise Andy had to say about us gals.
I particularly like this one...
"A woman over forty knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of forty give a hoot what you might think about her or what she’s doing."
I think I love him.
And just because I can, you can expect some 'Imma gonna get my forty freak-on!' posts coming very shortly.
Cheers my young grasshoppers!
Natasha~
The Tenth Anniversary of my Thirtieth Birthday.
Okay fine. Exactly 40 years ago today at 11:37 PM, I was born.
The last baby born on the first day of 1972.
I think my mom got a blanket and some kind of baby cup from the hospital to commemorate the birth of her New Year child.
Today I woke up and felt refreshed.
For the first time in a LONG time, I awoke and my body and my mind felt good. Like REALLY good.
And as some of you may know, feeling good has been a struggle for a few months.
In September of this past year, I was really looking forward to 40. I kept telling myself that 40 is the new 20 and kept planning all the things that I was going to to before I got there and then during my big milestone year. And then as the months progressed, I felt like I had a slow leak somewhere and all my enthusiasm and my plans just seeped out of me.
Even last night as I was celebrating the new year and my birthday with my best friend and her family, I still wasn't sure how I was feeling about my big day.
So I am not sure exactly what happened during my sleep last night, but I woke refreshed, with a sense of purpose and also a huge desire to clean and purge my closets, cupboards and well, yes, my life too, of all the clutter and excess that exists there.
I don't want to set resolutions for this year. I don't even think I want to set goals.
What I do want to do is set myself on a journey. One in which I truly discover who I am and who I am meant to be. One in which my life and my mind is not preoccupied with so much 'stuff' that does more harm than good and one in which I can clearly find and see the path that is mine.
Because trust me, nothing makes you realize how fast time is moving like looking in the mirror and seeing a 40-year-old you looking back at you and then looking down and seeing your now 5 year old looking at you too.
I have a starting point for my journey, thanks to some dear friends.
My good friend and personal trainer, Jessica, gave me the book and DVD of "The Secret" to read and get me going.
Karissa, another friend that I 'talk' to a lot on twitter gave me these words of advice, "Ask yourself "What is it that I want?" If no answer comes, ask the next day and the next day and the day after that until it does."
I also bought myself a journal to write my intentions down in because I find that things stick more for me if I go all old school and actually write them down.
And so my journey begins, today, right now and I am excited about it.
Happy New Year Everyone!
Happy Tenth Anniversary of my Thirtieth Birthday to me!!
Walking shoes on,
Natasha~
thick
This week has been a tough one. As I knew it would be.
Natural Urban Dad is on call at the hospital this week and also had to go out-of-town for a night to deal with some urgent business. We steel ourselves for his weeks on call and I thank God that they are few and far between. He knows he will get frustrated and not enjoy his time there, and I know that I will be dealing with a grumpy spouse for a week.
But, it is more than just this.
I am somehow just feeling off.
I was doing really well for a few weeks. Feeling happier, like I was making good choices for me and for my family, focusing on the positive and removing all that I felt was weighing me down. I felt that, although I was still in a tunnel, I was able to see a light at the end of it.
And then this week started and I am not sure why, but there seems to be a thick fog following me around.
I am tired. So very, very tired. And believe it or not, the kids are actually sleeping relatively well this week, so I can't even blame my fatigue on them.
I am also feeling overwhelmed. I know it is partly because of Christmas and making sure that I make it a special time for the kids. I feel like I am going through my days and constantly saying to myself, "Just get through this day and then tomorrow, you can do A, B, C...).
I want to do some Christmas baking and help the kids make presents for their Aunties and Uncles and wrap their presents and go to Candy Cane Lane and ....
...all I have been able to do this week is make sure I PVR every damn kid Christmas special on TV and then sit the kids down and have them watch them over and over and over again while I try to stay awake and at least make sure they have clean underwear.
They have their Christmas Concert at playschool tomorrow and because I have not done any clothing shopping for them in forever, I am scrambling tonight to figure out what they can wear that is festive enough. A red Transformer's sweatshirt will work right?
I just feel aimless.
I picked up some 'Winter Joy' room spray and my personalized 'Calm and Centered' Flower Essence blend from my friendly neighborhood holistic practitioner. Hopefully these will start to kick in soon! Because trust me, I need all the joy, calm and centering I can get these days!
I have no real point to this post. I guess I just keep hoping that one of these days I am going to wake up and snap out of it. Unfortunately, that does not seem to be happening and I am just not ready to go see my GP and have her tell me I need to be on an anti-depressant. So I will keep plugging along. Trying to find my joy in the little things and in my little people.
The good news is that I am happy that I made the decision to close my store for the holidays. I did this to be able to figure out how to be the best wife and mother that I can be and the happy and fulfilled person that I deserve to be. I think I just need to take a deep breath now that I am in this 'taking a break' time and realize that I don't have to figure everything out this very minute.
Here's hoping the fog is a little thinner tomorrow.
Natasha~
Five Years
I am a five year old mother.
As in, five years ago, a beautiful baby boy was concieved of the love that Natural Urban Dad and I share, was born of my body and completely transformed my life. This is for him.
For all that you have taught me. About life, love, and laughter.
For all that you do that is sweet, loving, and kind.
For the lessons in patience, perseverance and the power of a hug.
For your independent spirit. Your love of LIFE. Your utter BOY-ness!
Thank you, Little Man.
You really have made me the Mama I am today.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ayRqFLjNcJI[/youtube]
Friend?
You know when you write a word over and over and over and over...and eventually it starts to look somehow wrong?
Or when you use a word over and over and over and over, like "OMG, I love that sweater!", "I love that movie!", "I love that couch!", "I love these socks", "I love pomegranate lip gloss!" and eventually the word LOVE loses some of its true meaning and meaningfulness?
I think this is what has happened to the word and perhaps by extension, the concept of a FRIEND. Quite specifically in the realm of social media.
I write this after almost a month of not writing a whole lot because of personal issues and insecurities about myself and my place in this online world and with my friends within it.
Recently on Facebook, I was 'un-friended' and blocked from someones personal page. I did not think this was a big deal. We are not very close and have more of a professional relationship than a personal one. I read her status update before she removed me (and quite a few other people too) and I respected her decision to keep her page personal and for her close friends and family members.
Remember when that was what we used Facebook for? To keep our friends and family updated on our lives. Remember how fun it was to post pictures of the kids and our vacations for all our friends and family to oooh and ahhh over? When we could write personal messages on our pages and not worry about who was lurking about to see where we are and who we are with and who we are talking to? When no one was taking screen shots of our pages and forwarding them on in emails to other people for God knows what reasons? When every App on earth wasn't asking to 'GeoTag' you and announce to the world where you are "checking-in"?
Back then (a whole two years ago, if that even), you had maybe about 67 friends on your Facebook page and hadn't even heard of Twitter. And every one of those friends was either AT your wedding or at one of your birthday parties in the past 5 years!
So, {at least in my mind}, this begs the question....
Has the inescapable realm of Wifi, and unlimited data plans and Twitter and Facebook and Google+ and FourSquare and... and... and... completely wrecked our understanding, interpretation and definition of FRIENDSHIP?
Think about this for a minute.
How many of your {insert number here} Facebook friends would drop everything and come over to watch your kids if you were stuck in bed with the worst flu of your life? How many would dog-sit for you in an emergency? How many would buy you coffee and give you an ACTUAL hug if you were having a really bad day? How many would pick up the phone and call you....or even have your direct phone number for that matter?
What then constitutes a true friend? The Merriam-Webster Dictionary definition of the word is this:
Definition of FRIEND
1 a: one attached to another by affection or esteemb:acquaintance2 a: one that is not hostileb: one that is of the same nation, party, or group3 : one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)4 : a favored companion
I do believe that there are levels of friendship and some friendships are closer than others. Some are deeper. Some are based on a long history together, some on mutual life experiences, some on similar belief systems and some on the simple foundation of a love of all things shoes. And these days, some are IRL and some are SOF (strictly online friend - I think I just made that up).
For the sake of full disclosure, I have ONE Best Friend. I have known her for over 20 years and she has seen me in all my good, bad, ugly, beautiful, sick, elated, sad-beyond-belief and so-excited-I-could-fly glory! And I hers. And we RARELY talk via social media.
On the other hand, I have 190 Facebook Friends. And if I sat down and set up some form of criteria for who and what I truly believe a friend is, I know that this number would decrease significantly. Or at least be divided into categories.
I found this post by Kristen Tennant about the four levels of friendship and I think she does a pretty good job of describing these levels or categories.
Category 4 friends are people you say hello to and maybe stop and chat for a while if you run into them at the cafe or bar. They’re probably friends of yours on Facebook, but if it weren’t for Facebook, they would have almost no clue what’s going on in your day-to-day life.
Category 3 friends encompass a lot of people like co-workers, members of your church or community, the parents of your kids’ friends, and others you see and talk to regularly but don’t necessarily go out of your way to get together with. Every once in a while, you might decide to call them up and see if they want to meet you for lunch, or you might invite them to a big party you’re having, but the expectations of your relationship are low and the interactions are casual.
Category 2 friends can get more complicated, because the relationship is deeper, but the expectations often aren’t clear. They’re your go-to friends when you feel like getting a group of people together on a Saturday night, or you want to go out to dinner to celebrate a birthday, or you feel like inviting someone over for dinner. These are the friends you spend time with once or twice a month, but I also think we keep ourselves (or our hearts?) at a bit of a distance, to protect ourselves from feeling left out, hurt, or disappointed when they don’t come through.
And Category 1 friends? I think I would describe them exactly the way my nine-year-old daughter would: They understand you—they get who you are at your core, which means you can completely be yourself around them, without worrying what they will think. Category 1 friends like to spend time doing the things that you like doing best. And they always want to see you. Whenever you feel the urge to see them, they’re ready and waiting, thrilled to see you if they can possibly make it happen.
Now, no, I am not about to go and categorize everyone on my Facebook page, but I will make the case for having Lists on Twitter and Facebook and deciding how much you want to interact or share with these lists. You can set these criteria in your account privacy and settings pages on both platforms and on Facebook, no one knows when they are added/removed from one of your lists and on Twitter you can make both private and public lists.
How you use social media is of course your prerogative. These are after all your pages and what you do with them is your choice. So if you want to remove me, un-friend me, un-follow or block me from your friend list or your feed because we really are not much more than acquaintances or we have more of a business relationship than a personal one, go ahead, it is OK.
I will not be offended and I will respect your wishes.
And if need be, I generally know how to get in touch with you outside of stalking ...uhm, I mean, social media.
Natasha~
P.S. And now for my favourite song about Facebook by the incredible Kate Miller-Heidke. (WARNING: EXPLICIT LYRICS-NOT FOR THE KIDDIES!!)
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0FdR7dEAYU[/youtube]
P.P.S. I'm BaaaAAAAACK!!!