30 Days of Truth. Day 14 - A hero that has let me down.
Oh. My. God. Do you know what is kind of sad?
I can not for the life of me think of who the heroes are in my life.
(thinking.....
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thinking.....
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thinking)
Okay, NOT true. I DO have heroes.
My mom. She raised four kids on her own and not one of us is in jail or on a reality TV show. HERO!
My grandmother. She was ostracized by her family for being an unwed mother at the age of 45. Immigrated across an ocean to a new country and made a life for her and her daughter. HERO!
My sister. My much younger sister and in so many ways, so much wiser than me. HERO!
My husband. My rock, my love and my hero because he is my kids' hero, each and every day! BIG HERO!
And yes, perhaps at one time or another they have all let me down. But not in a big unforgivable, you are no longer my hero kind of way.
If I had to pick a hero, someone who has let me down (and I really hope I don't get struck down for this) I have to say that it is...
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God.
Now, now, don't get your panties in a knot, I am not about to get all preachy and stuff. Just keep reading.....
I grew up in a very Catholic household. When my mom was a kid, she and my grandmother used to go to mass daily and at one point early on in her life my mom contemplated a life in a convent (and then she kind of got knocked up with me, so...that didn't quite pan out)!
From a very early age, the Catholic church was a big part of our lives. Our baptisms, first communions, confirmations, all BIG deals at our house. We said the Lord's prayer every night before bed and we all knew how to recite our Hail Mary's and the full rosary by the time we were six years old. My brothers and I were all altar servers and proud of it.
I think growing up without a father made me appreciate God and the Church even more. Every Sunday, I would go to mass and know that I was loved by God, that He would never leave us and that I could always count on Him for a good 'chat'. And He never judged me. I was taught that at a very early age. God sees all and forgives all as long as you ask him for it.
And then one year something changed. And although I know it really was not God's fault that this happened, I felt let down and hurt and unable to forgive.
I was 13 years old, it was right before Easter and we were going to church for the Sacrament of Confession (which by the way, they now call Reconciliation-sounds nicer I guess). Going to confession always made me nervous. It meant that I would have to sit down with a grown-up and admit (out load) all of my sins. What, you ask, are the sins of a 13-year-old girl? Well, they mostly had to do with not listening to or honoring my mom and grandmother, hitting my brothers and possibly some other stuff along those lines. None of the major sins committed here, just your run of the mill tween-girl-in-the-early-1980s stuff.
As I sat in the confessional and recited my sins to the priest, my heart pounding out of my chest, I just hoped and prayed that I would only have to recite three Our Fathers and maybe five Hail Marys, get my absolution and then go get some cookies and juice. Nope, not with this guy. Someone has obviously pissed in this particular priest's Holy Cheerios that morning, because instead of the loving absolution that I had come to expect from my confessional experiences, I got a harsh scolding. I was told that I was a bad girl, that God was disappointed in me and that if I wanted his love I would have to try a lot harder. I can't remember what my penance was that night, but I do remember crying a lot as we left the church.
And then I got mad. Mad enough that I refused to go to church for a while, and mad enough that I have NEVER, ever, not even once gone back to Confession/Reconciliation ever again!
I do know that God really had nothing to do with this particular experience and that it was the priest that ruined it for me, but I can't help it. These men are His representatives here on Earth. They are the ones who are supposed to spread His message and His love to us and this man took that away from me. He made me question GOD and consequently my whole belief system and in the end we (God and I) have never really been the same.
We do still talk and I know that He takes very good care of my brother and my grandmother, but I don't visit Him at His house very often. My trust in the Catholic Church was broken that day and I was seriously let down. Someone told me that God did not love me as much as I thought he did and to a kid already suffering with abandonment issues it was just too much.
I will not go to confession ever again, but I will forgive and God knows that and I am pretty sure that we are good. We have an understanding and I know now that regardless of what any priest ever says, that He is always and will always be there when I need Him.
Love and forgiveness,
Natasha~
30 Days of Truth: Day 13-A band or artist that has gotten me through some tough days.
I like to put my own spin on these 30 days of truth posts and today's is no different. I don't think I can say that I have only ONE band or artist that has gotten me through tough times. So instead, I thought I would give you a list of some of the MUSIC that has been instrumental (total PUN intended!!) in shaping my life and my love of all genres of artistic expression!
First you need to understand that I have no musical talent whatsoever. My husband (Mr. Perfect Pitch, Royal Conservatory of Music graduate, concert pianist guy) tells me that I am tone-deaf. He is probably right. The only instruments I ever played were a recorder, an organ and a clarinet, and not one of them did I play particularly well!
I tell you this so that you know that I have DEEP, deep respect and admiration for anyone who can play an instrument, sing in tune and otherwise musically entertain me!
So here is my list of 'musical memories' as it where:
1. As far back as I can remember, the 1965 timeless classic The Sound of Music has been in my life. It was a special treat for us as kids to stay up late and watch it every Christmas and I don't think I have missed watching it at least once a year since I was 2 years old. I know EVERY SINGLE WORD to every song in that movie and the first song both of my children heard sung from me was "Edelweiss". I am transported to a happy place every time I watch this movie or listen to the soundtrack (that is a much played staple in our iTunes library) and am reminded of my childhood and also of how much I wanted to be Maria when I grew up!!
2. U2. Need I say more? 
Okay, I will. My best friend in Grade 7 introduced me to these four boys from Ireland and I instantly fell in love! Particularly with Larry Mullen Jr. Joshua Tree was one of the first LPs that I owned, but I think "I will Follow" from Boy and "Sunday Bloody Sunday" from War are still up there in my list of all time faves from the band. Their music has been in either a cassette deck, CD player or iPod for more than half of my life and I have much respect for these men both as artists and people. I saw them in concert in June of 1997 for the PopMart Tour and while everyone else at Commonwealth Stadium was on their feet and screaming when they started their first set, I was glued to my chair with my mouth wide open and tears streaming down my face.
3. Ramsey's Soul Revival. WHO? Double Points go to anyone who leaves me a comment telling me you saw these guys in concert! RSR was a freaking fantastic local Edmonton band in the '90s. They had a funk/soul/dance genre going on that spoke to me and I fully admit that I was a full-on RSR groupie! I never missed a gig, I (ahem) 'dated' the lead guitarist (and possibly one other member as well) and it was great!! If there is ONE band that got me through a tough time, it was probably these guys. The day my brother died, they had a gig in Edmonton and I needed to get out of my house. I could not be around all the shock and sorrow and could not deal with my own grief just yet. I went to the gig and just danced....I danced all night, non-stop. Their music took me somewhere I needed to go and afterwards I went home and slept in my brother's bed and cried for 2 days straight.
4. Vivaldi's Four Seasons. Not sure why, but this is my favourite piece of classical music. Always has been. In University I would study while listening to it over and over on my stereo and then during exams I would simply recall the music and answer the questions much easier! I know, some 1st year Psych student can tell you why this is so, but whatever, Vivaldi made me a smarter person. End of story.
5. In the late 1990's I had my 'angry-girl-music' phase. I was really into Tori Amos, Garbage, Hole, Alanis Morrissette and the like. I was single, I went to lilith fair and I 'may' have thought I was a lesbian for a minute or two. And then I met my future husband.
6. THIS is our song. Please have a listen. And yes, we are this cheesy.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CYI5bKZMes]
I also love this clip because, a) Billy Idol was the first concert I ever attended and, b) I love Drew Barrymore and want her to play me in the movie of ME.
7. I now realize that I could go on and on and this list is already getting rather long.....
I do however have one ALL TIME favourite song. It is a song that can have many interpretations, which may be why I love it. It can uplift me, it can calm me, it can make me cry and it just gets me every time....very deep, deep down in the pit of my gut.
Here it is for you to enjoy. Thank you Leonard and thank you Jeff!
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8AWFf7EAc4]
Sweet Dreams everyone,
Natasha~
P.S. I would love to know what some of your musical memories are!
30 Days of Truth: Day 12 - Something I never get compliments on.
This is going to be a short one. (I am having a rough day-not sure why exactly, but I will still get a post up!!) I never get compliments on my PUNCTUALITY!
Probably because I don't seem to have any!
Seriously, I can not be on time for anything!
And I do try, really I do!!
I start getting the kids and I ready LONG before we need to be anywhere and yet somehow, 97.8% of the time, we are always LATE!
It is a good thing I have kids though--at least I can blame them for some of my tardiness. As in, "Really kid? Boots and coat on and NOW you have to poo!!"
Just this past week alone I was late not once but twice at my hair salon. First for my own appointment and then on Friday for my daughter's appointment, which we had to reschedule. Try to explain THAT to a two-year old who has been asking all week about going to get her hair cut!
So, it is no wonder that I don't get compliments on my punctuality!
I am working on it, I swear!
Goodnight all. Tomorrow is another day and I have to be somewhere....ON TIME!!
Natasha~
30 Days of Truth. Day 11: Something people compliment me on all the time.
These posts where I have to talk about myself are hard for me. I don't want to come across like I am bragging or like I am totally awesome, but this time I totally AM. People CONSTANTLY compliment me on my children.
Yup, I have perfect kids!
In all seriousness, it is true, complete strangers come up to me all the time in restaurants, at the grocery store, at the coffee shop etc... and tell me either that my children are gorgeous (why, yes, yes they are!) and/or that they are so well-behaved.
I think the reason my kids are so well-behaved all the time (okay, let's just be realistic and say it is about 92.7% of the time) is because they have always come with us everywhere. We went our for dinner when C was about 5 weeks old and since then we have simply always taken our kids with us wherever we went.
I don't think it was a conscious decision that we made, it just was how it had to be. We did not want to leave our kids with anyone else or we could not leave them because someone was always nursing. So, they came with us everywhere.
I also think this is important for kids. They need to go to the grocery store, to restaurants, to weddings, on planes and anywhere else you go. They learn from each and every one of these experiences. They learn proper behaviour and these daily life experiences can provide you with incredible teaching moments as well.
I am sure people must think I am a crazy woman when I go grocery shopping with the kids. Even when they were babies I would talk to them the whole time, going through the store and our list and rattling off all the names of every fruit and vegetable and box we passed.
At restaurants it is the same thing. We bring the kids some activities, we let them choose their meals and we show them by example how to behave in public. And invariably, wherever we are, someone will always come up to us as we are leaving and tell us how well-behaved and beautiful our kids are.
The best compliment we got was in Maui last year. We were eating dinner at the fabulous Mama's Fish House in Paia and little did we know, but the Mama herself, the matriarch of the founding Christenson family was sitting just a table away from us. She stopped by our table after she had finished her meal and told us that in the 30 years that she has been in the restaurant business she has never seen two more well-behaved young children!! It was the highlight of an already amazing night and meal! (You really have to eat there if you ever get to Maui!)
Babywearing has been a big part of how easy it is to take my kids with me everywhere we go. That and breastfeeding. And babywearing and breastfeeding at the same time. I can't count how many times I have been walking around the mall with a baby in a carrier and on the boob at the same time and no one was the wiser!
Don't be afraid to get out with your babies. Teach them about their world, expose them to different situations and provide them with the example they need to know how to behave. And having a good baby carrier while you are doing all of this is not a bad idea either!!
So yeah, I am bragging a bit. I have me some good kids. And I know this because everyone keeps telling me so!!
Thank you!
Natasha~
30 Days of Truth: Day TEN - Someone I need to let go or wish I did not know.
I read an eye-opening post the other day and realized just a few lines into it that the writer and I have a mutual acquaintance. And unfortunately this is someone who I wish neither one of us knew. This person is NOT nice. She makes everyone she knows feel bad about themselves. And here is the thing-we ALL know her. She comes by for visits when we are at our lowest lows, usually when what we need most is a hug and not her constant barrage of negativity.
She is that ugly voice in our head. The one that is always telling us that we are not good enough.
She has been to my house a fair amount these past few months as I have been dealing with a lot more than my usual share of stress and personal and physical upheaval, and she has had lots of oh, so lovely things to say to me.
You are a terrible mom. You need to do more with these kids. Of course they scream at each other, because you scream at them all the time. What are you doing eating MORE junk food. Get off the computer already and go spend some time with your husband. Fold the freakin' laundry woman!
And the list goes on and on....
Her visits to me are all too frequent as of late and she really is a bitch.
I for one REALLY need to let her go. She drags me down and at times I can't help but listen to her and start to think she may be right.
I do know that she is not. Really I do.
So, I am going to try to shut her down and say goodbye to the bitch.
I know she will try to weasel her way into my head again, but I know the signs, I know how she operates and she will NOT be allowed in.
Yup, that is the plan.
I hope it works,
Natasha~
30 Days of Truth: Day NINE - Someone I did not want to let go, but just drifted.
Today is my day NINE of 30 Days of Truth and it is about someone in my life who has drifted....
She is still around and I see her a lot, but our relationship is not the same.
When we first met it was like we were meant to be forever friends. She looked at me with her beautiful brown eyes and had the most beautiful golden locks and I said to myself--how can I NOT be her friend. She is the most patient being I have ever known and can sit and listen to me for hours. She was (and is) still my most loyal friend.
She stayed by my side every day for two months when I was on bed rest while pregnant with our first child. She has this weird sixth sense and has always known when I am sad or hurt or in pain and tries her best to comfort me.
We have traveled together and experienced many firsts together. And we have a lot in common. She loves the woods, the mountains and swimming, as do I.
Although she will never be a mommy herself, she has taught me more about nurturing than a lot of others. How to pay attention, to be patient, and most importantly to love unconditionally.
We don't do as much together as we used to. Kids and life in general have taken up more and more of my time. I miss the things we used to do. Going for long walks in the river valley, taking exercise classes together, heading to the mountains for a weekend getaway, and much more.
The thing is, that no matter where my life has taken me, she has always been there for me. Ready to go at a seconds notice, whenever I call. And my kids love her too! She has unending patience with them.
So although our relationship has changed in the six years that I have known her, she is now and has always been so, so dear to my heart. I know our friendship will keep changing and one day we will do more with each other again.
For now, I believe she knows how much I love her still.
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....and really how can I not? Just look at that face!!
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| My Willow |
Lots of love, Natasha~
30 Days of Truth: Day EIGHT - Someone who has made my life hell or treated me like shit.
I am back. Sorry for the '30 Days' hiatus. Christmas, birthdays, 40 feet of snow in Alberta (only a slight exaggeration) and a hip injury take a lot out of a gal! (Disclaimer: Uh-oh, why does she need a disclaimer? Well, cause there are a few cuss words in this post, it is not for your kids to read and if you know me or anyone in this post, well.....just deal with it, I make no apologies for my truthiness!)
Day Eight is about someone who has made my life hell or treated me like shit. My initial thought was, really, I can only pick one? So, no, I did not just pick one, I thought I would make a list....it could be a long list... I do have, ahem, 39 years worth of shit to dredge up!!
So here it is, a list of the people and situations that I wish I had had the maturity, insight or ummm, balls to handle differently. If you are on this list, well, then I am super surprised that you are reading this blog! If you are not on the list, then aren't you glad to know that I keep these kinds of lists (insert evil laughter here)!
It is all People's Choice awards-show like, so feel free to comment on who you think the winner(s) should be!
And the nominees are:
1. The kid in grade six who thought it was all cool to punch a girl in the stomach. It is NOT and I kind of hope you are bald and living in your mother's basement now.
2. My mother's second husband. I really hope there is a special section of hell for drunk-ass motherfuckers like you who call 14 year old girls, and I quote, "two-bit whores" and who trash said 14 year old's bedroom in a booze-induced blackout! (That marriage lasted all of 14 months and we hightailed it outta there as soon as we could!)
3. The guy who told me I was 'pleasantly plump' right before we had relations (at far too young an age I might add). Do you know that at that very moment, you killed any ounce of self-esteem that I had left in me?
4. The bully/most popular/got away with EVERYTHING guy in high school who picked me up and threw me, not once, but twice into something hard and painful (a bus seat and bathroom door to be specific). You were a mean bastard and I kind of wish ill on you even though I know you are doing just fine Dr. Bully, DDS.
5. My first long-term boyfriend and supposed best friend. Thank you so much for sleeping with each other (on more than one occasion). That made me feel oh, so special. Fuckers.
6. My on again, off again, on again, off again, on again, off again, on again, off again, I thought you were my soul-mate, why did you hurt me so bad and so often, university boyfriend (who may just be reading this right now). You may not have made my life hell, but I just wish that I had had the self-awareness then to tell you that I deserved better.
7. The woman that I worked with who spread rumors that I was sleeping with the boss. NO, I was just BETTER than you bitch and you could not deal with that!
And...hmmm, I think that is it actually. (Oh, I could name a few more, but then I would just be getting petty.)
To be honest (and this all goes back again to Doc Brown in "Back to the Future" and messing with the space-time continuum), if all of these things had not happened to me, would I be where I am today? Would I be the strong, confident (I say with a smirk), 'I know where I have been and I know where I want to go', kind of person that I am? I really don't think so. I truly believe all things happen for a reason, even the crappy things.
So take your lumps folks, cause it is true...what does not kill us, makes us stronger. And smarter. And able to start a blog and tell the whole Internet about that time when you did a bad, bad thing....
30 Days of Truth: Day SEVEN - Someone who has made my life worth living.
Someone who has made my life worth living.....hmmmm, I have a feeling this could turn into a very predictable post. Or not, let's see how it goes...
I have three people who make my life worthy every day. My husband, my son and my daughter. And let me tell you, THIS life is never boring!! Well, OK, some days it is boring (laundry, laundry, what's for dinner, laundry, do a puzzle, watch a Disney movie, more laundry), but for the most part, all three of these fabulous creatures that ARE my life make me smile, laugh and sigh (big happy ones) at least once a day! They show me the simplest things are sometimes the most amazing ones and for all that they do for me and are to me, I am eternally grateful.
So many people come and go in our lives that it is often hard to pinpoint that ONE person that has made it all worthwhile. Or is it?
I have had a few conversations lately with people about fate, coincidences, and the so-called laws of attraction (I understand these, even though I have not read The Secret - please don't all gasp at once!). And I have come to a realization through all of these interactions, a constant, so to speak. No matter who comes and goes in our lives, the situations and challenges we are faced with each and every day, the joy and the sorrow, the people we meet, the days we love and those we hate...all of it, all of LIFE is a CHOICE. And the one person who is the constant, the one person who has the power in all of it, is YOU.
So, this may sound a bit funny, but I think that the ONE person who has made my life worth living is...
.....ME.
Does that sound selfish? Self-centered? I don't know, maybe?
In my life, I could have made a lot of different decisions. I could have chosen to do or not to do quite a few (sometimes questionable) things. I could have chosen an easier path, or a harder one. But all in all these were my choices and my life is what it is today because of those choices. If I had chosen differently, even though at the time of some of these events the outcome may not have been that great, would I have learned what I was meant to learn, would I be where I am today? (I keep thinking about Doc Brown telling a young Marty McFly about the consequences of messing with the Space-Time Continuum! Not worth it, IMO).
Did I and do I have incredible mentors, friends and people who have guided me on my path? Absolutely! And yet, again it was my choice to either seek out these people and/or accept their presence in my life.
When I was in university, and was having a rough go with life, I made myself a scrapbook. I would take magazines and cut out pictures of people, places, faces, words, clothes, cars, houses, and all the things I wanted in my life and I would paste them in my scrap book. I made a 'Vision Board' for my life, even before it was all trendy and cool to do so. I like to take that scrapbook out every now and then and see how much of my vision has been realized.
And you know what, a lot of it has been. It may not have happened in the order that I thought or the exact way I had pictured it, but it has and is happening every day. And my life is worth living not because of someone else's influence, my life is worth living because I am ME (the good, the bad, the lipstick and the crunchy!) and I am good with that.
This is likely my last post before Christmas, and so I want to wish you all a very Merry and Happy next few days and remind you to always remember your truthiness, breathe deeply and love yourself no matter what!
Natasha~