Words were just not coming to me today, so I decided to go check on the 20+ posts I had sitting in my drafts folder. Some where just junk, a few words jotted down, an idea come and gone. Others I think could have been really good, but fizzled for one reason or another. Here is a sampling of some of those "could have been" posts from the last year....

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Nothing makes me feel more weak and useless than when my body is rebelling against me. I know that this is part of living with a chronic disease, but trust me, it doesn't make it any easier. This past month has been particularly tough. All the things that I want to do, the things that make me feel good and happy and calm and centered, are all things that I can't do right now. There has been no yoga, no personal training, no spin classes.

My knees have made an executive decision to be royally effed-up right now and they are taking the whole system down with them. It's been a while since I have had such a long flare of my Rheumatoid Arthritis and all my coping methods seem to have left on some tropical vacation and didn't tell me they were going away!

Bitches.

(may, 2013)

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L -"Mommy, do boys want to be beautiful?"

Me -"Of course, honey, everyone is beautiful in their own unique way."

L -"Mommy, do boys want to be responsible for their kids?"

Me -"Yes, daddies and mommies are both responsible for looking after their kids."

L -"Mommy, do daddies want to eat their kids brains?"

Me - "Ummm.....only if they are zombies."

These are the types of conversations I am having lately with my almost 5 year old daughter.

She is an observant little thing and notices everything around her.

Observations about  a woman in full burka. "Look mama, a ninja girl" Observations about a boy with Cerebral Palsy. "He has cool robot legs"

(july, 2013)

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As of this week I have one child in grade one and one in kindergarten. According to everyone, everywhere, I should be an emotional wreck of a mother right about now. Crying and wailing as my babies leave me and I realize that I won't be there if they fall and scrape their knees, if someone says something to hurt their feelings or if they need help doing ANYTHING!

The thing is, I am not that mother. Not anymore.

The past few mornings at school as my daughters class lines up to go inside, there are a couple of kids who just don't really get the routine just yet. This is totally understandable, it's their first week, it's all new to everyone and it's a bit of a zoo in the mornings as everyone rushes in after the first bell rings. As I looked over to one mama I know, I could see the tension in her face and I asked her what was wrong?

"Oh, its just {kid's name here}, she is so spaced out and distracted about everything."

I grabbed this mom by the shoulders and I said, "YOU need to relax. She is feeding off of your energy and if she sees you calm and focused, she is going to get there too."

And there you have it Mamas (and daddies). If there is one lesson of parenting that I can impart to this world it is this.

Take a deep breath, slow your anxious heart rate and CALM THE FUCK DOWN!!

(september, 2013)

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I feel like the human race has lost its way.

That we are de-evolving as a species.

That Skynet or something like it is not that distant a reality if we are not careful.

The internet makes us all next door neighbours and it is harder and harder to live in our safe little bubbles when we can easily access each others bubbles 24/7. Our social networks make it hard to hide our indiscretions, our little (or big) faux pas of life, our oops moments and all those things that people used to say "behind closed doors" are now out there, for everyone to hear/read/watch.

It also makes it hard for people to hide their racism, their sexism, their ageism, their sizism... all the ISMs really. And I am not sure that we actually have MORE of it now then we have had in the past, I just think that we are FACED with it more each and every day via Facebook, or Twitter, or whatever other means of social networking people are using. And since we all know that the internet is forever, so to is everyone's memory of that time you totally wore "blackface" for Halloween and didn't get why that was such a big deal. Or that time you texted a picture of your penis to a much younger woman behind your wife and your constituents backs. Or that time you actually made a hashtag called #whitegirlsrock, in response to one called #blackgirlsrock because... I can't even think of a reason why?

I am pretty convinced that most of the world has been living in somewhat of a delusional state for quite a while now. Slavery was abolished, women got the vote, everyone has a Pride Parade these days and fat girls can even make it on the cover of fashion magazines. It's all good. No need to fight for anything anymore, the world is just hunky-dory.

Yeah, right...

(november, 2013)

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I spent 2 hours glued to my couch on Sunday night to watch the finale of the 27th season of Survivor. It was kind of a done deal for this season's winner, Tyson O, but I watched nonetheless, as I have every season for the past 13 years.

And because I have watched Survivor for over a decade, I kinda GET this show. I get how you play it and I get how you win it. I have a visceral response to EVERY tribal council and my body actually shakes uncontrollably. It's weird, I know.

This week's final tribal council was an interesting one to watch. Tyson, Monica and Gervase gave their final speeches to the seven voted-out jury members and they in turn asked their questions of the final three. What I found interesting were the questions that everyone was asking of Monica. At least three of the jury members asked Monica to reveal something vulnerable, something REAL and authentic about herself and her game play. I admit that it was a bit painful to watch her struggle to answer these questions. At one point she asked everyone, "Have you all never met a nice person?"

And so, this got me thinking, what does a nice person look like? Sound like?

And when we do see one of these strange beings, why are we so leery of them?

(december, 2013)

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I went to a yoga class this morning at my friend Mandy's studio. It is this small, peaceful, perfect space and myself and five other ladies had a wonderful yoga practice together. The energy that flows from Mandy is serene and this morning's practice was one of those things that I didn't really know I needed until it was over.

It is amazing what opening up your body physically can do to your mind and opening it up as well. So today, I am open to possibility, to wonder and to listening to my own needs and giving myself what I need to be a better human being for those who need me.

(may, 2014)

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I had no new words today, but I do have some very pretty flowering trees blooming in my yard and that makes me happy!

Newness  will come when it is ready.

natasha~