***As I was cleaning up my ridiculous draft folder full of half-written, what the heck was I thinking, random thoughts posts and I came across this one. I wrote it more than a year ago and can’t for the life of me figure out why I never hit publish on it.

So here you go… Oh and look at how LONG my hair was!!!***

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Milestones.

We all have them.

Your first tooth.

Your first haircut.

Your first step.

Your first day of school.

Your first kiss.

High School Graduation.

Your first REAL job!

Your first time.

Your first vote.

Your first love.

Your first car. (Note to the guys that this is not the same as the milestone above!)

And all of a sudden you are a full-fledged adult.

You have a job, bills to pay, an apartment to clean, friends you can count on and perhaps someone special to love as well.

Your life is all before you and is really is your oyster!

You have dreams of your life and what you want it to look like....

You hit another major life milestone, turn thirty and there it all is laid out before you.

The career that gives you freedom and power and travel and perks and one heck of a nice salary.

The man who will sweep you off your feet and be the one who stands so far out of the crowd that you can't help but fall in love with him.

The perfect wedding in the mountains, surrounded by so many that love you.

The starter home that you build together.

The trips and travelling that will take you to amazing and exotic places.

The beautiful babies your love will create.

When I hit my 30th birthday I was excited. I had all of these amazing life experiences to look forward to.

The past 10 years have been the most fulfilling, challenging, character developing ones of my existence. They have {re} defined me as a woman, a wife, a mother, a sister and a daughter.

If you asked 30-year old me what 40-year old me would look like or be doing with her life, I am pretty sure THIS would not be it.

Not that what I am doing is a bad thing, just probably not what the newly-engaged, childless, career-focused, younger me would have envisioned.

I would have never seen myself being a stay-at-home mom. I didn't have one, so I just sort of thought I would never be one.

I would never in a million years have seen myself as a breastfeeding, natural birthing, babywearing, attachment parenting advocate. It's was not what I was brought up with or witnessed growing up and really, who ever REALLY thinks about all of these things before they even get pregnant. I assure you I did not!

I never imagined I would leave a career that I fought for and worked so hard at. One that gave me such satisfaction and great opportunities for moving up in the corporate world. I had my palms read sometime in my twenties and at that time the reader told me that I would always be a 'career' woman. I truly believed her. I guess I just ended up choosing a different kind of career.

Why all this retrospection you ask?

Last week I read a post by a mama on Twitter about her thoughts on turning 30 and it got me thinking about how our lives are so much the same yet so much different. A lot of what she has accomplished before her 30's, I did IN my thirties. I really do think it was my best decade. I entered it in 2002 a very different woman than the one I was when I exited it in 2011. I GREW so much in those 10 years. I also happened to grow people in those years and I know that those two amazing events accounted for a lot of the growth in me.

On January 1st of 2012, I hit yet another major life milestone.

I turned forty.

Up to that point I had all these thoughts of what this year would be like for me.

I wanted to have a BIG Birthday party to celebrate, but in the end, it just didn't really happen and I let the day come and go without it being a big deal.

I have been wanting to write about my year of being 40 here on the blog, sort of like what @CoffeewithJulie did for her 40th with her #MonthofMe posts in October 2011. You know, a diary of sorts letting you all know how wonderful it is and how yes, of course 40 is the new 20. (Side note: Can someone PLEASE tell me what that means? Because I may have done some things in my 20's that I am not overly proud of and could seriously not even attempt at this point in my life without a paramedic crew waiting in the wings!!)

My sweet dear husband has indulged my desires to make this the year of me and on the 1st of every month, he has been making me AWESOME cards and giving me a small present. He has been calling this year the "10th Anniversary of my 30th Birthday!" And man, do I ever love him for all that he is doing to make this year easy on me and so special. But I think herein lies the crux of my problem with forty so far.

I can't continue on like this, trying to relive or dwell on my past and think that my thirties where my best decade. I may be getting old{er}, but in this thing called LIFE, I am a far cry from DONE! If my thirties where so much better than my twenties, then what is stopping my forties from being that much more than my thirties?

Aside from myself that is....

You see, I may be having somewhat of a mid-life crisis right now. Okay fine, crisis may be too strong a word. Let's call it a mid-life, "oh-my-god-what-do-I-do-now?" moment. I really am having a tough time setting, or even figuring out what my life goals are right now.

The last ten years have been filled with so many goals and projects and such that I just kept going and going. Marry the boy, have the babies, build the houses, build the business, build a brand, be a baby mommy, plan the holidays, meals, activities, school, etc... It has all been so very non-stop. Until now.

The business was closed. The dream home was built. The babies are growing up {way too fast for my liking} and everything is good.

But...

If you asked me for my five year plan or that ever annoying "where do you see yourself in 5-10 years" question, you would get a big ol' blank stare from me. Because I really DON'T KNOW.

Now, I am not saying that everyone needs to have a very set and specific life plan, but it helps to have some goals and aspirations right?

I bought this back book in January and must have packed it away shortly thereafter. Looks like it might be high time to crack this baby open and figure out what exactly it is I want to do with the rest of my life!

I do know one thing for sure. My 40's are not going to be like my 20's or my 30's... they are going to better.

That is a goal right?

Natasha~