There is a pretty hilarious video circulating on the interwebs these days called "The Parent Rap". Seriously, go watch it here, it is worth a few giggles. What is interesting is the reaction of the singletons to this video. There seems to be this feeling of "way to convince us to NEVER have kids" that is accompanying said video. Dad trading in his sports car for a more practical sedan. Yup, that happens. Mom doing most of the cooking, cleaning and kid wrangling. It's the truth, even for the moms who work out of the home.

Parenting is all THAT and a bag of chips folks. Really. It IS!

BUT...

Just in case you need more convincing, dear singletons of the universe, I have put together a list of 5 things that are so fantastic about being a new parent that you will all be clamouring to start the process IMMEDIATELY!

 

1. Poop.

You know how now you just never get to talk about it? It is simply not something that comes up in casual conversation, unless of course you are telling that story about your crazy German cousin on his cross country tour and the unfortunate yet highly hilarious incident at that hostel in Montreal after an all-night rave in 2003.

Well, no more worries for you my friend! When you have a baby, poop is pretty much the number one thing that everyone is talking about. How was your first poop after birth. (FYI-doesn't hurt AT ALL!) How often is your baby pooping? What color is the poop? How chunky is it? How much poop can a diaper actually hold? How do you actually get poop stains off of popcorn ceilings? Is that mustard? So many ways to talk about poop. And most of the time with a completely straight face too. It is awesome! Trust me.

2. Sleep.

You know all those crazy drinking and partying "all-nighters" you've been pulling up until now? Well guess what!? You get to keep doing them! You get to stay up till all hours of the night with a fellow drinker! One of you is going to pass out and likely pee your pants. I won't say who. Chances are you will flash your boobs a few times during the night and at some point someone is going to be completely naked and screaming their head off too. See? Just like the good ol' days! Just remember to rehydrate. And sleep it off during the day.

3. Advice.

You know how sometimes it is hard to ask people for help or get some advice?  Well, you need not worry about that anymore! Not one little bit. You won't even have to ask. The slightest twitch of an eyebrow or hint of confusion in your face is enough for almost anyone to understand that you truly do need their ever-so-gracious tidbits of life lessons. You will be surrounded by so many lovely people just aching to give you advice on pretty much everything you do as a parent that you literally won't have to think for yourself for at least one whole year. It's so great!

4. Sex.

Sexy time. Doing it. Making love. Whatever you want to call it, you can stop fussing and thinking about it so much. Sex is not going to be taking up any more of your precious time. No more hours of foreplay and having to do it in every position imaginable. And that romp in the morning before work? Gone. You won't have to sneak out of bed to brush your teeth in the wee hours ever again. Oh, you will have to still have some sex, but now it will be more of the sea turtle kind, really, really quiet and likely scheduled into your iCalendar (cause see turtles all have iPhones, DUH!). Just think of all the time you used to spend having sex. Now you get to spend all that time doing other fabulous parent-y type things. Your life will be richer for it.

5. Your body.

You know how self conscious you are about that little bit of a roll over your jeans? Or that mole that is in that weird spot under your left boob? Or how there is the hassle of having to close the bathroom door every time you want to go pee. All that is over and done with. No longer do you have to worry about not letting random strangers touch your boobs. Totally taken care of. And all that 'private parts are private' nonsense? No worries. A few stitches in you nether region will heal you of any and all dignity you once had. It was just holding you back anyway. Now you can be free to pee with the doors WIDE open and you will also (at least for a few years) always have an audience to perform you shower singing for! Nudity FOR THE WIN people!!

 

So there you have it singletons. Get on out there and start your procreating so you to can reap all of these incredible benefits and SO MANY more of being a parent!

Also, learn to laugh at yourself.

A LOT!

Sincerely,

Your poop-talking, booby-baring, peeing with the door open, too many bodies in my bed, parenting guru,

Natasha~